HEY LOOK THESE PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO COUNT UNLIKE THE 100 YEARS WAR PEOPLE

ok thiss is a long one BRACE YOURSELVES.

Because this was a war. A complicated one. With lots of nations and lots of fighting and balauhaluhah.

IT’S CALLED THE 30 YEARS WAR.

and basically the Catholics and the Protestants had a big fight.

and this is not one of those stupid ones where it’s like OK THIS WAR IS CALLED THE THIS-IS-HOW-LONG-IT-LASTED WAR BUT NOT REALLY. It actually did last 30 years yay.

Started in 1618. Guess when it ended.

OK SO LET’S TALK ABOUT THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE FOR A SEC.

The HRE wasn’t even actually a country. It was just. This area. And it had a bunch of countries which just kinda fell under the rule of this one government. THOSE WERE. AUSTRIA, BOHEMIA, FRANCHE-COMTE (whut.), GERMANY, LORRIANE, LUXEMBOURG, MORAVIA, SWITZERLAND, AND A PART OF HUNGARY. so basically that whole general area over there ok.

AND FOR ALMOST 400 YEARS THE HRE JUST KINDA HAD ONE FAMILY IN CHARGE. The Hapsburgs. this is important yo remember this.

and ANYWAY THE 30 YEARS WAR STARTED HERE IN BOHEMIA.

the people got angry and started throwing their officials out the windows.

welp.

i. welp. i. this seems like a good idea let’s just throw our elected officials out of windows that will solve ALL OUR PROBLEMS

oh by the way this happened twice.

SO THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE. SOME PROTESTANTS. AND SOME CALVINISTS. AND THEY DIDN’T LIKE THEIR CATHOLIC PEOPLE. SO THEY ALL JUST KINDA. THREW THEM OUT OF WINDOWS. ALONG WITH THEIR KING. Because he wanted to shut down their churches.

yep.

by the way everyone who got thrown out of windows lived. The Catholics said it was because of Divine Intervention. The Protestants said it was because they landed in manure.

i cant

AND THIS WAS CALLED THE DEFENESTRATION OF PRAGUE.

AND THEN A WAR HAPPENED. Because the elected officials were not happy being thrown out of windows.

war happened and the people were not happy with anyone so they just got their own king. And they were gonna replace the old king (Ferdinand) with their king (Frederick).

but so after he was kicked out he got elected to be the Holy Roman Emire.

WHAT.

So as emperor, Ferd (The new Holy Roman Emperor) ordered that Fred (The King of Bohemia) get off the throne.

Fred said no.

So Ferd sent an army of 25,000 men to make Fred not say no.

So Ferd just kinda. Made Bohemia Catholic again.

AND IF IT STOPPED HERE, THEN THERE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN A WAR.

but no. word spread that the new emperor did NOT like Protestants. And people started freaking out. And people started just talking bad out each other and then people started just straight up fighting and then THE DANISH INVASION.

So the King of Denmark. And his name was Christian IV. Chris. And Denmark wasn’t actually a part of the Holy Roman Empire. BUT THEY WERE STILL FREAKING OUT BECAUSE THEY WERE RIGHT THERE NEXT TO IT.

And they were Lutherans. And Chris just kinda led 20,000 men off to war.

yep.

Also Chris had to deal with the other guy named Tilly (ok no lie) who had that army of 25,000 who got Fred off the throne.

Chris also had to deal with THE BEST GENERAL FERD HAD named Wallenstien. Pronounced with a V. VALLENSTIEN.

He also had a really weird mix of Protestants and Catholics in his army, but he was a Jesuit so?????

Chris couldn’t really compete. So he gave up.

so he signed a treaty so he could stay king of Denmark.

AND AGAIN, THE WAR COULDA JUST ENDED.

But some Catholics came all whiny to Ferd like THESE PROTESTANTS STOLE OUR PLACE and he was like “OK PROTESTANTS YOU GIVE BACK EVERYTHING YOU TOOK AND ALSO ALL THIS STUFF.”

it did not go exactly as planned.

SO THE SWEDISH. They also were not part of the HRE????? But they also were really close????

So this guys named Gustavus Adolphus. he wa

kay hold up

THE HECK SORT OF NAME I CANT JUST I WHAT AWHAKWJETKDFG ok back to business

HE WAS THE KING OF SWEDEN. And he also had an army. WITH GUNS. New guns. Faaaancy guns.

So this Gustavus guy was pretty cool. He was like “OK WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT BRO” and he pretty much let whoever he conquered have whatever religion they wanted.

SO YOU REMEMBER TILLY.

He defeated that army.

and then Wall.

who he met.

AND THERE WAS A BIG FIGHT OK.

a big big big fight

and the Swedes were way outnumbered

BUT THEY WON ANYWAY

BUT THEIR KING DIED

welp.

OK NOW THERE’S STILL MORE.

AND FRANCE JUST DECIDED THEY’D GET THEIR BUSINESS ALL UP IN EVERYTHING

because they’re stupid ahohnonohoho stupid french

this is backwards

OK ANYWAY THIS GUY RICHELIEU.

He was this guy for the Roman Catholic Church. And he was in charge of running France because the king was a little boy. And for some reason he was supporting the Protestants?????

Because the war wasn’t about religion anymore. It was mostly power.

Rich was a cool guy. He didn’t try to take away any rights from the Protestants or anything.

AND HE JUST DIDN’T WANT THE HAPSBURGS TO TAKE OVER FRANCE BASICALLY. So he gave some support to the Swedish Protestant army.

SO ANYWAY FERDINAND APPARENTLY JUST NONCHALANTLY GOT OFF THE THRONE OR DIED OR SOMETHING? IT DOESN’T SAY BUT NOW HIS SON IS ON THE THRONE.

Ferdinand III. Nice name.

And he wanted peace too!

And the Germans were just like GUIZ STOP FIGHTING PLEASE OMG. because people just totally messed up germany nice goin guys

AND THE DECISION WAS MADE TO HOLD A MEETING BUT EVERYBODY HATED EACH OTHER.

and this meeting took like forever beacuse it took like 6 months (no lie) for everyone to figure out where to sit.

THE HECK GUYS /YOU ARE ADULTS/

anyway

after like FOUR YEARS they signed this treaty. Except for the Pope. and some other stupid people.

SO A COUPLE OF THINGS WERE DECIDED.

The Calvinists were given equal rights. Yay!


Sweden was given access to some rivers. So they could stay in the trade business.


France was given some land.

YEP.

THREE THINGS THE WAR DID TO EUROPE.

1: IT SCREWED IT WAY UP.

2: A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THOUGHT ABOUT PACKING UP AND LEAVING GOING THE NEW WORLD.

3: A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ALSO SAID “FORGET EVERYTHING” and just didnt religion because OF STUPID PEOPLE LIKE THIS.

yep.

that was long.

and ended abruptly.

yeah.

lol idk how do i titles anymore

ok so you guys remember Pocahontas right.

OF COURSE YOU DO. HOW COULD YOU NOT.

Well she got married.

but actually she got kidnapped and married and then she had a baby

welp.

OK LETS RECAP

POCAHONTAS WAS A PRETTY PRINCESS

but actually not we’re not sure if she actually had that title

also pocahontas was actually her nickname which means “The Spoiled One” or “The Playful One”

so she wasn’t really princess like whoops

SO IT’S 1609. John Smith (Not Smyth.) got exploded almost so he got shipped back to England. But he was alive k. And then some jerks were like “HEY POCAHONTAS UR BOIFRUNDS DED”

i have no idea why.

AND THEN IN 1613 SOME STUFF WENT DOWN YO

there was this dude named Samuel Argall who bribed these people with a pot? He told them to get Pocahontas on his ship and they were like “K”

SO Sam just kinda decided to use her for a ransom deal thing.

however this didn’t really go over too well.

Because the chief, Pocahontas’ daddy, was like “NO I’M NOT PAYIN U NUFFIN BRO KEEP HER.”

so pocahontas just chilled with the people. Got moved around a bit. Got taught English and some basic Christian stuff. They were actually pretty nice to her ish?

She was also baptised. And she took the English name of Rebecca.

ok this is not how disney went and i dont really think anybody wanted it to go down this road??????

Except for Pocahontas/Rebecca, of course.

ALSO SHE GOT MARRIED. To John Rolfe. she pretty much only married him so se get get freedom lulz welp

but he did love her so that’s really nice because he wrote love letters and all of those sweet things aaaaaaaa

Also her dad was like “NUUUUU” and did not attend the wedding

AND THEN THEY HAD A BABY BOY

his name was thomas

He was probably a really pretty baby ok i’m just sayin i yeah ok.

And then John decided to take POCAHONTAS (shes still pocahontas to me k) to England. And their baby.

So Pocahontas also got 12 Indians to piggyback along with her.

SO SHE GOT TO ENGLAND And she was nice and wore heels and BIG PRETTY FRILLY DRESSES OK I LOVE THOSE K THE BIG FRILLY DRESSES WITH ALL THE FANCY OK sorrry ignore me ahaahaha

BUT She basically went along “When in Rome, do as the Romans” business.

also apparently she ran into john smith once whoops that must have been rlly rlly awk ahaha yeah awkward turtle “Uhm you got married and had a kid. “Uhm I thought you were dead.”.

BUT when they were gonna go back to England, she got sick. And she was only 20 or 21 and she got really really sick so she just stayed in England. And died. And was buried there.

Thomas and John Rolfe went back to America, but then they got in a fight with the indians where Pocahontas was from welp

yep

well

the best ending ever right here yep.

WELP THIS IS KINDA A LAME POST WHOOPS?

so apparently this dude was pretty controversial.

cool beans yo.

SO SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SAY THAT WE WAS THE FOUNDER OF THE BAPTIST DENOMINATION.

Whelp.

THIS DUDE IS NAMED JOHN SMYTH.

smyth.

yep.

SO ANYWAY WHO WAS THIS JOHN GUY.

He was an ordained pastor for the Anglican Church. The Church of England. The Church Henry VIII thought it would be a great idea to make to get rid of his wife. Even though his daughter Elizabeth was actually the one who really build the foundation for it.

so kay hang tight let’s talk bout some stuff.

IN THIS ANGLICAN CHURCH. There are two factions. Puritans and Separatists.

Puritans thought the Church needed to be fixed, basically. Basically they iconoclasts. DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. REMEMBER THAT. ICONOCLASTS. GO SEARCH UP ON HERE “Iconoclast Controversy” BECAUSE I WROTE ABOUT IT. COOL STUFF YOU GUYS. actually it was really bad lul w/e CHECK IT.

And the Separatists just were like SCREW EVERYTHING LET’S START OUR OWN CHURCH. they were persecuted. a lot. wonder why.

BTW NEITHER OF THEM ACTUALLY CALLED THEMSELVES PURITANS AND SEPARATISTS. that was a mean thing people like to call them who were neither puritans nor separatists.

AND TO COMPLICATE THINGS because things are a lot better complicated am i right THE SEPARATISTS ALSO WERE CALLED INDEPENDANTS, CONGREGATIONALISTS, AND BORWNITES.

and basically i threw all that on top of you TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING. That something is that THESE PEEPS ARE REALLY REALLY CONFUSING YOU GUYS.

NOW. WE KNOW WHAT THOSE TWO ARE AND THAT STUFF IS CONFUSING AS MONKEYS.

Now back to John.

He wasn’t very happy. He didn’t really like the church. So he just went and left. And therefore guess what people thought he was.

A SEPARATIST.

So he just got himself a new church. But it didn’t really go too well. Because they kinda got kicked out. SO THEY WENT TO AMSTERDAM.

which was actually good because it was a lot like the Church the Bible talks about for a lot of reasons i’m not going into because LAZY K IS LAZY WHOOPS except for one thing. The whole baptism thing. You don’t get baptised as a baby, you wait until you get saved and then you get Baptised. That was his belief. And some called him a Baptist and lots of people think he had the first Baptist church.

BUT.

THIS IS REALLY CONTROVERSIAL AND SOME PEOPLE DON’T THINK THIS COUNTS AS A BAPTIST CHURCH. Because of the whole Baptism thing. BUT I’M NOT GONNA GO ON ABOUT IT SO IF YOU’RE SUPER CURIOUS GO GOOGLE IT OR SOMETHIN.

but some people got mad at him due to the whole baptism thing. So they told him to leave. So he did. AND WENT TOOOO A MENNONITE CHURCH.

And then he died.

the end.

"CANADA IS FINE," THEY SAID. "THE WINTER ISN'T BAD," THEY SAID.

SO THIS GUY

Sam. Samuel de Champlian. And this other guy Henry. They went to this magical place BUT HOLD UP

You remember Jacques?

he didn’t really settle in canada.

BUT HE DID SOME TRADING.

and if you lived in Canada (or do live in Canada.) you’re going to want to be warm.

SO HE STARTED A FUR TRADE~!

and this attracted some people

ONE OF THESE PEOPLE BEING SAM.

Sam was probably the most mentally stable person we’re talked about this far.

no u get out

No actually he was a nice guy. And smart. And he wanted to settle in Canada.

K FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE MENTALLY STABLE THING no i’m sorry

He went to this little place called QUEBEC and build some buildings and made a moat. Right about the same time Jamestown was being settled, too.

And only 9 people out of 23 survived the first winter.

WELP.

He tried to meet some of the neighbours.

BUUUUUUT basically because of some reasons he got a lot of people mad at each other whoops.

And one thing that was nice about this guy is that he tried to understand the native Canadians. But that didn’t really work out so he just MADE FRIENDS YAY.

And his country France still wanted to find out HOW TO GET TO ASIA. But they didn’t really know how big Canada was. And also how remote Canada was.

BUT CANADA HAD A BUNCH OF STUFF? which might have been just as valuable as spices. And that was right. And Sam was all exploring and had a nice fur trade going. Most of the fur was Beaver. YAY BEAVERS.

so he chilled out with these people called the Hurons who was pretty cool people i guess.

He also wrote some pretty cool stuff. He was a Protestant Christian and he wanted to convert the indians but I don’t really know how well that worked out??????///?/?

SO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW HE WAS FRENCH?

ENGLAND DOESN’T LIKE FRANCE lolyeshedoesishipit

/cough

ANYWAY

so England just casually sailed over there and took Quebec and took Sam and probably locked him up in the tower of london becAUSE WHERE ELSE.

So Sam is referred to as the Father of new France. which is the French-speaking part of Canada. Well that’s nice.

and then he died. In Canada.

NOW ENGLAND.

They had a Canadaslporer too! Henry. Henry Hudson.

HE MADE 4 JOURNEYS TO CANADA. COUNT THEM ONE TWO THREE FOUR.

The first two were sponsored by this merchant company. Because LET’S GET TO ASIA GUYS.

So he was NOT BEING PUSHED OFF THE ISLAND BY THE GOVERNMENT.

so this first journey.

1607 LOOK A DATE. He only had 10 men on his ship and he sailed off to... China.

They did not make it.

THEY JUST RAN INTO GREENLAND.

So they just went home.

JOURNEY 2.

and on this one he recorded seeing a MERMAID.

which is so legit guys

did you know you can buy your own mermaid tail.

pretty dang awesome am i right. you too can be a mermaid. You can just buy it and put it on and then go swim around in your pool or the ocean note you still can’t breathe underwater oh shoot

get ‘em custom fitted and everything.

and in like 12 colours and you can even buy hand fins like their gloves with webbing between the fingers and face fins which don't do anything but they're pretty and I’M SORRY WHAT AM I DOING BACK TO THE STORY

THIRD VOYAGE.

SO HE WAS SAILING THIS JOURNEY UNDER THE DUTCH EAST INDIAN COMPANY.

WHICH WAS BASICALLY THE NETHERLANDS.

WHICH WAS TREASON.

But henry was like NO SCREW EVERYTHING and did it anyway.

So he sailed from Amsterdam to the north pole??????

To get to China???????

whut.

So he was just like NO FORGET THIS so he went south and hit South Carolina? And then Chesapeake Bay. Then he went north AGAIN and went into the Hudson River! This led him to New York.

Anyway.

FOURTH. VOYAGE.

This ship was called the Discovery and was THE INTERESTING VOYAGE.

Because he was being sponsered by the English. Again. So he went sailing off and kinda nonchalantly went into the Hudson Strait and into the Hudson Bay whee. And his crew was like “Whut.”

because he didn’t have anything to give to the asians to. like. get into their country.

SO MAYBE HE WAS ON A SECRET MISSION?

because he might have been looking for a place to put a port or something. Because he verryyy carefullllyyyy went along the very edge of the shore. and that might have been ok with that if THEY HAD FOOD AND WATER AND WARMTH.

and Henry wouldn’t sail home. And he wouldn’t tell anyone what he was doing.

and then MUTINY.

Because of hopefully obvious reasons.

Now there are stories that say they they lived or something. But there was a rescue mission and nothing was found.

welp.

The crew was arrested when they got home the England.

ahahaha welp.

that was an odd way to end this.

idk my bff john smith old meme is old im sorry for using it BUT I STILL THINK IT'S FUNNY DON'T JUDGE ME

SHIPS. 3 OF THEM.

They were sailing away from England.

TO NORTH AMERICA.

And these three ships carried people. One of the more important of these people is

JOHN SMITH.

Please do note this is not going to be written in the form of narration that has been avoided in the past. Absolutely nothing is going to happen like that. Hopefully. Maybe. We’ll see.

BUT WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT ABOUT THIS JOHN SMITH, WHICH HIS STEREOTYPICAL NAME AND SUCH?

Everything.

ELABORATE, PLEASE.

No.

WHY?

Because I said.

C’MON. I ASKED NICELY.

Ok, fine.
...
...
...
GET ON WITH IT.

Ok, ok, hold your horses.

JOHN SMITH.

He was the one who more or less got everyone who was traveling to North America through the winter.

ALSO, THIS NAME SHOULD SOUND FAMILIAR IF YOU’VE SEEN A CERTAIN DISNEY MOVIE.

Called Pocahontas.

BUT MORE ON THAT LATER.

Who was this

JOHN SMITH?

Well he was born in England. But when he turned 16, he kinda left his house.

FOR ADVENTURE.

He fought some battles, bluh bluh found ships. Three of them. No, not /those/ kind of ships.

THESE KIND OF SHIPS.

No. /These/ kind of ships.

So there was a voyage and John Smith was like “YES.”

AND THEN HE GOT ACCUSED, ABOUT HALF WAY THROUGH THE TRIP. OF PLOTTING MUTINY.

Which he wouldn’t do. Well, maybe he would. But he might or might not have done it. I don’t know.

GET ON WITH ITTT.

Anyway! He kinda got chained up to the wall and he very barely escaped execution. Because to be frank, nobody really liked him and he wasn’t really trusted either.

AND THEN THE SHIP REACHED NORTH AMERICA.

They landed on the coast of Virginia.

WHICH WAS NAMED AFTER ELIZABETH.

The “Virgin” queen.

ANYWAY.

The captain here decided he’d name their settlement Jamestown. Because James was the king.

WHO SENT THEM A SECRET BOX.

Well what was in this box?

IT’S A SECRET!

No ok. It had 7 names. Inside it. The names inside were not to be read until they reached their destination.

AND THESE 7 MEN WHOSE NAMES WERE INSIDE THE SECRET BOX WERE TO GOVERN THE NEW SETTLEMENTS.

Basically there’s this thing. Called Imminent Domain. So if you want to go up and be like “Hey. You. I’m just gonna crash here for a little. I hope you don’t mind. Because you have to let me. Because that’s what it says.”

IT’S KINDA MESSED UP.

But basically that’s what they did to the Indians.

ANYWAY, BACK TO THE NAMES.

Three guesses as to whose name was pulled up.

JOHN.

monkeying.

SMITH.

And everyone, more or less, hated him. He was still in chains for about 2 months after he was elected governor.

NOW AT THIS TIME, A FORM OF SOCIALISM WAS IN PLACE.

The settlers were not getting along.

WHY?

Because not everyone was pulling their weight. And people were suffering for it.

SOCIALISM BASICALLY MEANT EVERYONE ATE FROM A COMMON STORAGE, WEATHER OR NOT THEY ACTUALLY COLLECTED FOOD.

Which is a pretty bad system. Doesn’t it sound like one? It sounds like an ok idea. At least, for those not actually working. However, for those working for the food, it stinks really bad because you tend to

ABSOLUTELY HATE THOSE WHO DON’T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU SUFFER FOR IT BECAUSE THERE IS NOT AS MUCH FOOD FOR EVERYONE.

And a big problem with the system is that

HALF OF THE MONKEYING PEOPLE WERE

“Gentlemen.” And that means they don’t do anything. They don’t plow fields, they don’t harvest food, they don’t really do anything.

SO INSTEAD THEY LAZED AROUND.

And when John Smith got out of confinement, he called for... uhhh...

CHANGE.

First of all, he came in kinda jerkfaced because he had kinda been hated. He was jaded now after accepting the fact that nobody really cared about him and he wasn’t going win any elections anyway. He had nothing to lose.

NOW DUE TO THIS, HIS METHODS WERE A TAD QUESTIONABLE.

And what were they, exactly?

POISONINGS, FLOGGINGS, AND ASSASSINATIONS OF THE TROUBLEMAKERS.

Well that’s nice. He pretty much understood that everyone would have to do stuff for them all to survive.

AND HE FINALLY MADE A POLICY THAT SAID, “YOU DON’T WORK, YOU DON’T EAT.”

Socialism was out. Which was a good thing. Because nobody had to be mad at anybody except for John Smith!

AND PRIVATE LABOUR IS A FORM OF CAPITALISM.

Which is what we have in America. Sorta. It’s sort of an odd mixture of Socialism and Capitalism.

ALSO, IT’S GOOD TO NOTE THAT JAMESTOWN WAS IN A SWAMP.

Which means mosquitoes. And if you’ve ever been in, you know, anywhere, you know that mosquitoes are probably born in the bowels of Hell or something. Because mosquitoes suck.

MOVING ON.

People were not dying! Malaria, Typhoid fever, Dysentery, oh my!

TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, IF YOU ARE UNDER 500, HAVE HEART OR STOMACH CONDITIONS, ARE PREGNANT, OR ARE HUMAN, DO NOT GOOGLE ANY OF THESE DISEASES.

SERIOUSLY.

So!

John Smith decided to get help with the Indians. Because they know how to fix this stuff. Maybe. And there were about 18,000 Indians living around that area.

AND THIS CHIEF.

He never really trusted the settlers, but he kinda sucked it up and dealt with it.

AND THIS LED TO NONE OTHER THAN POCAHONTAS.

She was the chief’s daughter. And according to John Smith’s version of the story, He was about to be killed by the chief and then Pocahontas showed up. She was like “nooo” And so the chief stopped. Yay.

SO APPARENTLY, DISNEY KINDA SCREWED THAT ONE UP.

Anyway. Over the next few months, Pocahontas was tight with the peeps.

HOWEVER, THE CHIEF WAS STILL KINDA NERVOUS.

herpderp. They had to get a bunch of gifts for the chief to even get some corn from him. Like, he got some bling. He got a bed. He got a cape. He got a sink-thing. Bluhbluh.

AND THEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED TO JOHN.

He was hurt. Because he was walking around with some gunpowder.

AND IT BLEW UP.

herpderp. So he went back to England so he wouldn’t die.

AND WHEN HE LEFT, GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?

Stuff in Jamestown started going downhill. Because this new ship had come and people started getting lazy and angry. And they didn’t come with enough food and then winter and people starting dying and bluh bluh.

THE WINTER CAME WITH 500 SETTLERS. THE WINTER ENDED WITH 60.

That means 440 people died.

THEN THIS GUY CAME.

His name was Thomas West. Thomas West de La Ware.

AND YOU HAVE THREE GUESSES AS TO WHAT STATE WAS NAMED AFTER HIM.

Anyway. He helped everyone out a lot, and he helped them raise pigs, tobacco, corn, and other stuff. They sent stuff back and forth between England and their settlement. Which meant more settlers. Which meant more women.

ONE SHIP WAS REALLY IMPORTANT.

Because it carried 40 women. And only 40 women. 40 young, educated, hard working women.

Which didn’t just mean. Uhh. More settlers. It also meant that everyone started working a lot harder, because people weren’t going to marry the lazy people. They were going to marry the ones who were out in the fields, hard working, and had all the pigs and tobacco and corn and bluh bluh.

THE RIGHT OF REPRESENTATION. FREE ENTERPRISE. PRIVATE BUSINESS.

The Right of Representation means that the people had a voice in what went on in, uhh, everything. And in 1619 there was a representative body called the House of Burgesses.

OH MY GOSH LOOK AT THAT I USED A DATE AND BIG WORDS.

So what does this mean? Well, they met to make laws. On the basis of representation.

AND AS GOOD AS ALL THIS SOUNDS, BASICALLY SOME STUFF WAS GOIN DOWN.

Free Enterprise and private business and all that jazz had a few problems. Some of the Europeans didn’t exactly

GIVE A MONKEY ABOUT THE INDIANS.

Well, some probably did care. But that was the minority. The very very small minority. And every pasture that was used? That was cleared of people. And animals. And everything. It took away hunting ground, to took away people, bluh bluh bad stuff.

AND WHAT DO YOU NEED IN ORDER TO FARM?

People to work the farm! Annnd guess who worked the farm?

SLAVES.

Now the obvious people to be the slaves were the Indians. But the Indians really didn’t want to be slaves. So the Europeans kinda gave that up. So they went over here to Africa and took some people from there.

NOW REAL QUICK. I AM NOT BEING RACIST. DON’T CALL ME A RACIST. OR CALL ME ONE. I DON’T REALLY CARE WHAT YOU CALL ME. THIS IS NOT AN ATTACK AGAINST AFRICAN AMERICANS OR STRAIGHT UP AFRICANS. THIS IS HISTORY. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED. I AM NOT THE ONE WHO ENSLAVED YOU OR YOUR ANCESTORS. MY ANCESTORS DID IT. THEIR BAD. NOT MINE. END OF STORY. OR MAYBE NOT EVEN MY ANCESTORS CONSIDERING WE’RE NOT DUTCH I'M PRETTY SURE WE CAME OVER HERE FROM LIKE WALES OR SOMETHING. WE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE OWNED SLAVES. I DON’T KNOW. ACTUALLY WE PROBABLY DID BECAUSE EVERYONE DID. SORRY. THAT WAS THE WORLD THEY LIVED IN. THIS IS THE WORLD WE LIVE IN. IF IT BOTHERS YOU TO READ ABOUT THIS, I KINDLY ASK THAT YOU DON’T. BECAUSE WE WILL BE TALKING MORE ABOUT SLAVERY LATER.



So! The King of England made Virginia a royal colony. Foreshadowingggg~

AND NOW WE HAVE A CLIFFHANGER.

Bum

BUM.

Bummm!

THIS POST IS KINDA DERP BUT STILL

So basically Spain is outta the race. Was outta the race. Bluh bluh whatever. Because basically England beat the stink outta Spain.

AND OH MY WORD.

DON QUIXOTE.

OK SO YOU GUYS MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF IT BUT OH MAN.

It was a book.

And basically he’s insane. And it’s beautiful. Not really. It’s hilarious though. Go read it. Right now.

AND WHO WROTE THIS BOOK?

This guy. His name was Miguel Cervantas. Cer.... vantas.... carvantas... k-

ok nevermind we’re not going down that road again.

BUT ANYWAYS. He wasn’t really one a dem lerned people. Just a soldier against the Turks for five years. And in the battle of Lepanto, he got a big giant gash on his left hand. And basically he and his bro got kidnapped. And sold as slaves. And it just so happened that Miguel had some ~important letters~ and the pirates thought he was one of those really important people. So his mom and sisters started selling ALL the things to get money, but it took 5 years to get enough for the ransom to free him.

dude.

SO.

HE GOT OUT OF SLAVERY. THAT’S NICE.

And he started writing! I mean, he had a few poems published but nothing big. And then he wrote a romance novel for his girlfriend? It wasn’t very popular with anyone but her, but they got married. That’s sweet. And then the girl adopted one of his illegitimate kids?

wat.

ok but so.

He was kinda unlucky with his writing. For about 25 years. starving hipster artist person.

So he was working for the Spanish Armada for a little. And then it got sunk. So he was outta work.

And then he went to jail!

Because he was so in debbbbt.

AND THEN HE WROTE THIS LITTLE THINGY.

OR BIG THINGY.

IT’S ACTUALLY A REALLY LONG BOOK.

But what was it ABOUT.

IT'S ABOUT DON QUIXOTE.

Don is pretty insane. He was also obsessed with knights. He was like.

A scary geeknerdu who thinks everything is real no matter what AND THAT HE IS A KNIGHT AND EVERYONE IS A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS.

So he got his hands on some armour?

And he wore it. And walked around. And he had a lance. And basically everyone was pretty scared of him because he eventually starts attacking innocent bystanders. He got himself a squire somehow. And basically his “squire” was a practical realist.

how did this even happen.

ANYWAY.

Miguel published the first half of the book. It was good.

AND THEN HE WAITED.

HE WAITED A LONGGG TIME FOR THE SECOND HALF.

He waited 10 monkeying years to publish the second half.

oh my word ok that's a long time how does 10 years feel waiting for an update wow

10 years.

OK.

Now. I’ll stop the pointless wallowing in confusion.

But basically this has no point at all besides I’m obligated to do this post apparently?

also read this book.

read it.

get a translation though. because it’s impossible unless you speak old.

so yeah awkward post ahahaha /casuallyends

HEY LOOK IT'S BACON LET'S USE THIS TO BUNP DOWN THAT AWKWARD POST ABOUT JAPAN OK GUYS OK.

NOMNOMNOMNOM.

MNOMNOM.

NOMITYNOM.

moar bacon.

This guy. This last name is Bacon.

FRANCIS BACON.

So you guys remember the Renaissance? Of course you do. WELL IT’S OVER NOW. Not really. It’s about to be. But not yet.

Francis Bacon was from England. And he was homeschooled. And when he was 12 he went to college.

Now doesn’t that make you feel good about yourself?

And then he went to law school!

While good old Elizabeth was alive, he had a few positions in the government. And he was one of the ones who voted to kill Bloody Mary. Well isn’t that nice.

And law was nice and all, but you know what he really liked?

PHILOSOPHY.

I know what I know if you know what I mean.

ANYWAY.

Like, he really liked philosophy. He loved Philosophy. He and philosophy went on multiple dates, had a meaningful relationship, he proceeded to propose to philosophy in a beautiful sentimental way, they got married, had kids, and lived a wonderful life together.

not really.

ON THEN HE GOT KNIGHTED.

And his wife philosophy was so proud.

well not really because philosophy is not a person but just go with it.

THEN HE WROTE A BOOK.

Called The Advancement of Learning. Which brought him a lot of fame. And to be frank, he was annoyed at these geniuses who were like ROME AND GREECE WERE THE BEST THING SINCE EVER. And Francis was like “no.”

Because he thought the answers was science and learning and bad grammar which bluh bluh bluh what am i doing.

THE SCIENCE. AND THE LEARNING. THESE WERE THE IMPORTANT THINGS. YOU CAN LEARN THIS, SO YOU CAN LEARN THIS, AND THEN YOU LEARN THIS SO YOU CAN LEARN THIS.

Does this make sense?

Yeah sure let’s go with that.

ALSO I FEEL THE NEED TO TELL YOU THAT HE SAID “KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.”

BECAUSE THAT’S IMPORTANT.

And he got married! He was 45 though. And it wasn’t for love.

herpderp.

But he got promoted! Twice. He was “The Lord Keeper of the Great Seal.” Which sounds awesome.

He also got another long list of titles which I’m not going into. But he was pretty awesome. And rich. And he spoiled himself like a prince.

WHICH MEANS ALL THE DEBT. And then he got in trouble. He was taking bribes from people, which was a very bad thing. And it was true. He said so. “I ACCUSE YOU OF TAKING BRIBES.” “Eeeeyup.”

AND WHERE DO PEOPLE GO WHENEVER SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS? THE TOWER OF LONDON. But he got out after four days because he was tight with King James. Like, the King James.

NOW.

After this embarrassment, he pretty much put himself into philosophy because he wasn’t allowed to be in government anymore. He wrote a few books and all that good stuff. Sorta I guess. He wrote one of those book essay things and stuff, but he also wrote stuff like Utopia. Except he had Atlantis.

No.

Not that Atlantis.

This is a different Atlantis I guess? I don’t know. This is all science though. I don’t think it says anything about it sinking though.

And he had an idea.

HE WANTED TO CATALOGUE ALL THE THEORIES.

He had all the theories. All of them.

Well not really but ok whatever.

AND HE WAS GONNA EXPLAIN THE UNIVERSE.

He thought big. Just... you know. Just a little. And as much as he loved science...

he wasn’t very good at it.

He spent a whoooole lotta time just thinking about it and writing about it. He didn’t do much. He just kinda sat there.

JUST.

LIKE.

PINTEREST.

“OH MY WORD LOOK AT ALL OF THIS IT’S SO AWESOME GONNA DO THIS STUFF ON THE WEEKEND!”

And then you spend allllllllll weekend surfing Pinterest more. And you say the same thing. GONNA GET STUFF DONE not really ever what am i doing with my life.

THIS RIGHT HERE IS NOT HOW THE AGE OF REASON WENT.

The age of Reason was like Pinterest. It was like people that pinned their own stuff on Pinterest. And they did everything on it. They like got to the beginning of Pinterest and did all the things. All of them. And the Renaissance kinda backed out.

And that sounds pretty nice, right?

Eh.

Wellll.

You see, people in the Age of Reason were like “WE HAVE PINTEREST SCIENCE WE DON’T NEED GOD”

which was/is sad.

FRANCIS DID NOT AGREE WITH THIS.

which was/is good.

He didn’t really have the best morals or anything, but he still thought that religion and science were like. buddies.

BUT THEN HE DIED IN THE SNOW WITH A CHICKEN.

It was a failed science experiment, basically.

So uh yeah that ended pretty abruptly but i cant do anything about it so go surf pinterest or something and pretend this never happened.

TOTEMO KAWAII U GUYS (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ HAVE SOME SPARKLES XDDD

OMG THIS LESSON IS GONNA BE SO TOTEMO KAWAII DESU NE YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA

BECAUSE JAPAN MAKES MY KOKORO GO DOKI DOKI DOKI DESU X333

erwait.

wait.

hang on.

what was that.

NO.

no way.

Japan kinda blocked off everyone from the everything.

Meaning they became isolationists. like, they closed off the entire country from the rest of the world.

JUSTLIKEHOMESCHOOLERS

wait, what was that?

I think it was the wind.

ANYWAYS SO I GUESS JAPAN WAS KINDA DANDERE FOR A LITTLE BIT TOTALLY NOT SUGOI GUYS (┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻

and that is really really important. Because they didn’t have a Protestant Reformation like EVERYONE ELSE. Because they didn’t know. Because bluh.

BUT WHAT WENT ON WITH JAPAN BEFORE THIS?!?!??!!?!1?

Who remembers who inhabitied Japan in the ancient times?

Ok good because I sure don’t.

THE AINU.

i nu that.

BA DUM TSS.

Then the first emperor!

Then the Yamato clan took over!

Then there was a big war. Until Prince Shotoku kinda took over and he kinda fixed some stuff.

And then Shoguns and Samurai. There was an emperor but he didn’t realy do anything. He just kinda was there. He didn’t do anything.

LOL BAKA GAIJIN ¬_¬

But so now we’re after that part.

WHY DID THEY STOP THE EVERYTHING THOUGH?

Because there was this guy. Named Tokugawa. Well he was actually Ieyasu. His name was Tokugawa Ieyasu, but it was like a regular name but flipped around. So his last name was actually Tokugawa but it came first.

PERFECT SENSE DESU THATS TOTEMO KAWAII I UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I LIKE TO PRETEND I'M JAPANESE WHEN I'M ACTUALLY AMERICAN BUT SHHHH DON'T TELL ANYONE XDDD

But this little kawai desu suteki moe shota lolli boy man girl child lived his life in captivity.

No man I’m serious this is like the saddest story everr ಥnಥ

He was in captivity until he was 15. Like, from 6 to 15. THAT’S LIKE FOREVERR.

Anyway he pretty much took over Japan. tee hee omg yandere bishies make my kokoro go doki doki no lie you guys (☉‿☉✿)

AND HE GOT TO BE A SHOGUN!

But he was 60. And he was nasty and old. And nobody really liked him but they respected him. And he sloooowlyyyy kinda cloooosed the couuuntryyy. Because he was afraid of westerners, apparently.

herpderpderp.

He was also scared that their class system would unravel.

andloosinghispowerbuthekindahidthatpart.

AND THEN HE MADE IT ILLEGAL TO MAKE IT CHRISTIAN IN JAPAN.

And what happens when you’re a Christian and it’s illegal?

YOU DIE.

THAT’S WHAT.

And a lot did die. And some where just shooshed. And the spread of Christianity was stopped. Only one port was open to outside traders, but then it got closed. And then they banned books from the outside.

THE HECK.

Basically, the islands started kinda competing against each other to be better. Not like war stuffs, but like “WE HAVE TO BETTER ANIMUUUU” “NO WE HAVE THE BETTER.” “NO WE DO.” “NO NO NO” and basically there was a really big middle class because no more export no more import. Economy awesome. Everyone is happy. And do you know what happens when everyone is happy, has money, and they get bigger and better stuff?

THEY HAVE BABY.

they all have baby.

the baby triple the population.

the baby crowded the population.

the population cannot feed the baby.

ALL OF THE RICE. ALL OF IT. And what do you need for rice? FARMERS. And even though they were poor, they were second to nobility.

ha ha ha wat.

WELL LET’S SAY YOU KNOW YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO THE SUCCESS OF THE COUNTRY. However, you are rice dirt poor. YOU’RE GONNA WANT SOME MORE MONEY, WILL YOU NOT?

Anyway, so basically the working class was frowned upon, which is really sad because they were the majority.

IN OTHER NEWS, THIS WAS ALSO KINDA A GOLDEN AGE.

kinda i guess.

NINJAS.

NINJAS.

NINNNNJASSS.

NINJAS ARE THE BEST THEY ARE BETTER THAN PIRATES AND WE WIN U BAKA GAIJIN OK WE ARE SO MUCH BETTER AND NINJAS RULE AND PIRATES STINK NO SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS NEED TO TAKE A BATH

They were hired to do ninjas stuff. like spy and fight and assassinate stuff.

AND YES THERE WERE GIRL NINJAS AND I AM ONE I’M LIVING PROOF.

And in the day there were totally normal people.

EXCEPT THEY HAD STUFF LIKE IRON SPIKES AND KATANAS AND STARS AND OTHER SMALL AWESOME OBJECTS UNDER THEIR CLOTHES ALL THE TIME JUST LIKE ME BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST THAT SUGIO DESU

Anyway.

Ninjas may still actually exist today. I mean pirates do too but those don’t count.

Now in this period, Japan also developed ORIGAMI.

which is impossible.

They also had big giant puppets.

Giant.

Puppets.

o(≧▽≦)o OMG I HOPE THEY HAD KAWAII NEKO ONES THATD BE SO SUGIO DESU!!!!

And kites. Big giant kites. Which is better and less scary than big giant puppets.

AND THEY ALSO HAD LITERATURE.

There was a poet. Named Matsuo Basho. AND HE WROTE HAIKUS.

Some Haikus make sense. This one does not make any sense. Refridgerator.

BUT.

BASICALLY JAPAN HAD IT’S OWN CHIBI KAWAII RENNIASANCE DESU.

SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED HERE?

1: I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME AROUND WEEABOOS, EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT ONE MYSELF I PROMISE (☉‿☉✿)

2: ISOLATION IS A GOOD THING.

3: I AM NOT A POET.

4: I AM ALSO REALLY REALLY BAD AT ENDINGS.

and also if this offends any japanese or otaku or weeaboo or whatever the heck you call yourself uhm sorry no offence?

Actually yeah i really meant to offend weeaboos and otaku is kinda derogatory anyway so uhm. yeah.~END OWARI.~

SUPER AWESOME TITLE BRO UHM IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M REFERENCING HERE YOU GET ALLLLLLLL THE BROWNIE POINTS. ALL OF THEM.

YOU GUYS.

YOUGUYSYOUGUYSYOUGUYSYOUGUYS.

GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

Your name is WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. You have many interests, which include POETRY, ACTING, and THE VARIOUS PERFORMING ARTS.

And if you think I’m about to start that narrative style you are dead wrong. Because I can’t do it right or for extended periods to save my life. And if you don’t know what it is then it doesn’t even make any sense.

ANYWAYS.

William Shakespeare was a dropout.

Fo realz.

He dropped out of school and got married at 18 to Anne Hathaway.

But not that Anne Hathaway.

AND THEN SHE GOT PREGGERZ.

With twins. By the way, she was 26.

And then William got arrested.

WHAT IS THIS. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE PROCEEDED TO LEAVE HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN TO MOVE TO LONDON.

Let’s get this straight. William Shakespeare dropped out of school, got some chick preggos, got arrested, left them, and moved away to start acting and writing.

ha ha ha wat.

He made a great deal of moneyz by investing in the theater. Er, a theater. The Globe Theater. Which he helped build. And it’s in London.

BUT THERE’S MORE TO IT THAN THAT.

Some people don’t think that who I just told you was actually THE William Shakespeare.

ha ha ha wat.

Apparently, this guy was not ACTUALLY the William Shakespeare. This guy here was just PRETENDING to be William Shakespeare. The fo realz William Shakespeare went up and was like “hay you take this and and tell people you wrote it ok.”

Because it doesn’t really sound like he’s capable of.

You know.

Writing that stuff.

SO IF IT WASN’T HIM, THEN WHO WAS IT?

And WHOEVER wrote it, why would they choose him? I mean.

Like.

Look at him.

Anyway. Some people think it was Francis Bacon. Which would be kinda weird because he was a really busy guy.

BUT WAIT.

Your name is CHISTOPHER MA

THIS IS STUPID.

This guy. Christopher Marlowe. He could have been a spy. He WAS a spy. He was killed, but he was actually under some sort of weird witness protection program of the 16th century that i would know absoltuely nothing about why are you asking me about this ha ha ha let’s move on.

But before he got into the spy buzznuzz, he was in the play buzznuzz. Even though that’s contradictory.

BUT HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

Your name is EDWARD DE VERE. You are the EARL OF OXFORD, and you are an ACCOMPLISHED GENTLEMAN, due to being the COURTIER of QUEEN ELIZABETH. Your interests include WRITING PLAYS IN SE

ok this has to stop right now.

This guy wrote plays in secret. Because the theater was like.

That place.

You know.

That... That place. Where all those weird people hang out.

But Edward liked to write, but Elizabeth was like “ew.” So he could have used a ghost writer OTHERWISE KNOWN AS WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE (that was not be using the aforementioned form of narration. That was me using caps for emphasis.) instead of publishing under his own name.

Plus, William was an actor over there anyways. So he just kinda GOT PAID TO TAKE ALL THE CREDIT.

Now I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the way to do things.

HOWEVER. Some people don’t believe this theory. Some think that William Shakespeare was William Shakespeare.

Also, he might have been a woman.

ANYWAY. THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT.

But what about the actual, uhh, plays?

There were three kinds. Historical, Comedy, and Tragedy.

The Historical plays were on a few Henries and some Johns (heh.) and Richard and some Julius Caesar. Of couse, all of these were added to for more drama and stuff. Because seriously.

Who wants to just watch history?

ANYWAY. COMEDIES WERE GOOD TOO. Because they were funny. I mean, they had some underlying themes too. Because it was William Shakespeare.

And then there were the tragedies.

ONE OF THEM IS ROMEO AND JULEIT. PLEASE SKIP THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THE RANT OF ANGER AND ANNOYANCE.

ROMEO AND JULIET IS A LOVE STORY. YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND DO NOT NEED TO REFER TO EACH OTHER OR YOUR LOVE AS SIMILAR TO ROMEO AND/OR JULIET. THEIR “LOVE” LASTED, IF I AM NOT MISTAKEN, THREE DAYS. IT CAUSED FIVE MURDERS. IT ENDED WITH TWO SUICIDES. BOTH OF WHICH WERE ROMEO AND JULIET’S. THERE’S A REASON IT WAS A “FORBIDDEN LOVE.” YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE IT WOULD LEAVE TO MULTIPLE MURDERS AND SUICIDE. TWO LITTLE TEENAGERS AND MOST OF THEIR FAMILY DIED DUE TO THEIR PURE STUPIDITY AND “LOVE”. YES, IT IS SAD. YES, IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE SAD. AND NO, UNLESS YOU WOULD MURDER FIVE PEOPLE AND COMMIT SUICIDE, YOU/YOUR BOYFRIEND/YOUR LOVE IS NOT LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET.

Continue reading here.

There were some tragedies. Insanity, death, “forbidden love”, etc. etc. bluh bluh bluh.

SO. Between writing writing THIRTY MONKEYING SEVEN plays, he wrote ONE MONKEYING HUNDRED AND FIFTY MONKEYING FOUR poems. Which were actually sonnets but whatever.

AND BASICALLY HE WAS SNOOP DAWGG. OR DOGG. OR WHAT THE MONKEY EVER.

Because he made up words and kinda changed words around so they’d rhyme. He made up:

Barefaced. Bumps. Fitful. Fretful. Fo shizze Frugal. Gloomy. Gnarled. Hurry. Puke. Recall. Spurring. Suspicious.

HE DOTH PUKE WHEN THE DUKE I’M NOT A POET I CAN’T FINISH THIS.

So we like use all of these words.

AND OH MAN HE USED PUNS.

He also coined “Dead as a doornail.” and all sorts of other things.

NOW.

Some of you aren’t old enough to read Shakespeare. Language is weird. Some parts aren’t really “good.” Plots are complicated (heh.) Stuff is wacky.

BUT NOW I HAVE TO GO READ IT. So I might or might not post some sort of summary on Much Ado About Nothing.

Please pray that I don’t die in the process.

Note: Uhm some stuff went down where everyone agreed that Much Ado About Nothing is seriously impossible forget everything derp none of the ados none of them.

IDK MAN JUST PLEASE IGNORE ME THNXBAI DUNNO WHAT IM DOING LOL

So basically this guy was kinda boring, apparently.

He was a writer, but he didn’t really.

You know.

Do anything?

I mean, he wrote a lot and he was kinda controversial, but I don’t think he ever actually.

You know.

Got in trouble?

But anyway.

MICHAEL MONTAINGE.

He was born in France. And he had a weird family. His dad was Roman Catholic, his mom a Spanish Jew Protestant, and his siblings were Catholics.

wat.

ANYWAYS. His Dad sent him away when he was 3 to live with a poor family (?). He was brought back to his family later and was taught Latin (?) Nobody was allowed to speak anything but Latin to him (?) even though French was his first language (?)

lolwut

Basically, he learned Latin and pretty much ALL SORTS OF AWESOME STUFF without ever touching a book.

Well he probably did touch a book but whatever. But eventually he was kinda shipped off to boarding school to study law, but basically he got board so he left.

So eventually he started writing. He sat up inside his little castle and he wrote. A lot. For 10 years.

wat.

He wrote essays. He basically started the whole personal Essay thing. And before that, there were none. None of the personal essays. BLAME HIM FOR EVERYTHING GUYS.

Also basically he was kinda selfish and self absorbed. Which was kinda expected because he LOCKED HIMSELF IN A TOWER FOR 10 YEARS RIGHT AFTER HIS BFFSIE 4EVARS DIED.

Also basically he broke the 4th wall a lot. Like, there was no 4th wall. It was broken. No more 4th wall. Or I guess you could also say he just used 1st person kinda like I do but whatever oh well close enough right and run on sentence ramblerambleramble you’ve stopped reading anyway.

BUT.

He was also pretty skeptical. And if you don’t know what that means go google it or something. Mom told me to tell you what it is. But you should know and I don’t feel like telling you. SO GO. Or stay if you know what the monkey I’m talking about.

ANYWAY. Mich was actually a part of this philosophical movement called The Skeptics.

Who questioned EVERYTHING. I don’t know. Are you reading this? I don’t know. Or are you just staring at this screen? Will you reread that sentence? Are you actually even there? I DUNNO. I DON’T THINK SO MAN. I DON’T THINK THAT’S RIGHT.

but.

He didn’t really think love had much to do with marriage. So he married practically. He was skeptical about education. And he was skeptical about religion.

AND THEN THE AGE OF REASON.

Anyway.

So he went around and traveled a little. Then someone made him mayor of Bordeaux. So he had to go home and he helped some people out.

AND THEN THE PLAGUE HAPPENED!

Yayyyy!

He kinda died. Which was coming. Because the plague.

So.

Uh.

Yeah. The end? Not much else. Because he. You know. Died. /awkward

LOL WHAT AM I DOING

Ok So You Guys Remember How That Guy Was All Piratey?

COURSE YOU DO.

Anyway, that colony that disappeared? Well about that time, there was this whole war going on with the English and Spanish. As you’d guess.

AND THE ENGLISH BEAT THE SPANISH INTO THE DUST.

Er, the sand.

INTO THE SAND. OR, UH, THE WAVES. ER. JUST. FORGET THAT ANALOGY. THEY BEAT THEM PRETTY BAD.

But whai.

BECAUSE HENRY VIII WAS A JERK.

Remember Catherine?

phsaw that doesn’t help at all.

Catherine of Argon? His FIRST WIFE? To whom he was married for 20 years and proceeded to kick to the curb for a 15 year old?

That chick?

SHE WAS SPANISH.

And the Spanish never really got over it.

Then Bloody MAry!

Who died.

Then he courted Elizabeth!

And he got dumped.

Then his son did too!

Then war.

And Spain was also kinda derpy with the Netherlands because William the Silent.

So they just kinda sat there and tried not to kill anyone. Which was hard with Elizabeth and all her pirates. She was like, “GO, GO PLUNDER THE SPANISH. HA HAH HA HA~!”

So Philip just played hard to get pretended not to notice. And then Elizabeth was like “I THINK I MIGHT MARRY THIS FRENCH DUKE.” And then Philip turned on his swagger continued ignoring Elizabeth. Which she didn’t do. So instead she helped the Dutch. Against Spain.

Then Elizabeth executed Mary Queen of Scots, because she was Catholic. Which was kinda an “I HATE YOU SO MUCH.” wink towards Spain.

And then...

England learned about this littletinyGIANT ARMADA.

Anyway. Spain actually loved Philip, even though everyone else HATED HIM SO MUCH. He became king at 16, which was pretty young. He was married a lot, but most were political so it wasn’t all I’M GONNA BE HENRY.

He wrote letters to his wife and his daughters and he was actually a pretty nice guy.

except to his son who he locked in a tower :D

Anyway. He was nice and calm and he was pretty awesome. Except to everyone else but that doesn’t matter.

But Uhh.

He Kinda Lost.

So he kinda had the largest armada ever assembled ever. It was called the Invincible Armada. Which means they’re so gonna win.

And England had a pretty small navy. Herpderp. But everyone was all excited about war so basically they were better, I guess.

And all these pirates of England were like YEUH. But so were the Spanish.

But they had two way different strategies.

Spain thought it’s be a good idea to board all these ships and fight man to man. However, England liked to shoot things out of canons and sink ships.

((I am aware I spelled cannon “incorrectly.” It was totally intentional and you get all of my love if you know what im doing here iiiilll stop talking now please ignore this))

Anyway,

So basically one of the Admirals set fire to 8 of he ships and sailed them off into the Spanish Armada seawaterarea.

And they all yelled and screamed and fled over to France!

They kinda surrendered. However, they had to go AROUND ENGLAND because the wind was being stupid. So they just kinda went around England. And the ships were so big 17 of their ships derped.

That is beautiful.

Philip just kinda locked himself in an itty bitty room and didn’t really talk to anyone.

ELIZABETH WAS PARTYING.

And she just sent some more war fleets to Spain. Even though they already won. All of the win.

Basically, Spain got really weak 5ever.

The Dutch got helped and out from under Spain.

England got a lot stronger, and so did the Protestant Reformation.

And it also kinda let England go colonize up in North America. Because Spain couldn’t actually do anything.

THEN SUDDENLY THE GOLDEN AGE. Well, for England, at least. Spain was whining over there.

ANYWAY. SO THAT KINDA ENDED ABRUPTLY. BUT OH WELL~

BLUHBLUHBLUH

POTATOES. TOBACCO.

This guy is responsible for a whole cultural stereotype! WELL DONE SIR. WELL DONE.

Sir Walter Raleigh singlehandedly introduced potatoes and tobacco to Ireland. And he was pretty much a stereotype himself, but whatever.

LET’S TALK ABOUT HIM.

He wasn’t actually Irish. He was English. And he went to France. And he fought with Huguenots. Otherwise known as the Protestants. And he just got out of France before that big giant massacre. Which is good. He started hating the Roman Catholics and kinda started breaking away from religions. Which didn’t mean he wasn’t a Christian, he was just sick of the BLUHBLUHBLUH.

So he kinda stood over here in the corner.

He went home and went to college and law and Aristotle but he never actually graduated. He decided he’d be a pirate instead!

And if I had the chance to drop out of school and be a pirate in 16th century England, three guesses as to my choice.

Actually you’d only need one guess because there are only two answers but oh well.

Walter and his half brother starting pirating. And being pirates. And stuff. He was pretty much Elizabeth’s favourite, uhh, pirate. He was all nice and ruthless and he put down a revolt and he was rewarded and he had ALL THE MONEY.

Er, well, he was actually rewarded with land.

BUT STILL.

He had 12,000 ACRES of land. In Ireland. Which is a lot. He was also Elizabeth’s boyfran, and he was handsome and yadayadayada.

Even though he was 20 years younger than she was.

AND THEN SHE GAVE HIM 42,000 MORE ACRES IN IRELAND. I’M PRETTY SURE HE LIKE HAD THE WHOLE COUNTRY NOW BUT WHATEVER.

He got knighted. So now he was a knight pirate. He was also the queens boyfran and a lot of people were jealous.

And for yeeears he was just kinda hanging out doing whatever he wanted. And then he started a colony in America and named it this little thing you’ve probably never heard of VIRGINIA.

So something really weird happened. He wanted to go on a second trip and Elizabeth was like “thats cool bro” BUT. She made him stay. He did stay, and the voyage left, HOWEVER.

Basically they all went and colonized and they hung out for a little bit. And then the Governor went back to England for food and moneyz. But Spain was like NEWWW and GOVNAH couldn’t leave for like three years.

And then when he went back THE COLONY WAS DESERTED. Which was really creepy. But it was probably Indians.

Anyway!

BACK IN ENGLAND.

Walter had a ship. He fought the Spanish Armada. And he was awesome and Elizabeth loved her and he had Ireland and he had this Poet.

THEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED.

HE FELL.

IN.

LOVE.

waitwat.

Basically there was this girl Her name was Elizabeth... Throckmorton?

AND HE CALLED HER BESS.

Basically she worked for Elizabeth. And HE didn’t want Elizabeth to find out he loved Elizabeth so he married Elizabeth in secret, and if Elizabeth ever found out he married Elizabeth then there would be trouble.

...

This isn’t gonna work.

ELIZABETH WORKED FOR QUEENSY. Walter didn’t want Queeny to find out he loved Elizabeth, so he married her in secret, and if Queeny ever found this out there would be trouble.

AND THEN SHE FOUND IT OUT.

AND THERE WAS TROUBLE.

So she threw them in the tower of London to have a wonderful honeymoon. And then Walter wrote a flattering letter to Queeny and Walter got released.

And then a little bit later Bess got out. But she didn’t have a job anymore so herpderp.

Anyway! Walter kept adventuring and he suddenly GOLD WANT. And you can guess how that went.

NOW THEN.

Later he brought the potatoes to Ireland. He sold some land and he went back to ADVENTURING~!

BUT.

Walter adventure came to a screeching, burning halt. Because Elizabeth died. And her cousin came to power. Walter was charged for, uhh, treason, and so he was locked up in the tower. And he sent Bess a love letter and it was sweet and happy. Because writing one to the king wouldn’t work the way it did on Elizabeth.

BUT!

Walter didn’t actually die! King James kept him alive for another 13 years. Which wasn’t as lousy as it could have been. He had books and stuff and his wife and kid could live with him and he had servants and he wrote and stuff was actually pretty nice.

Howeverrr, time in prison was still time in prison.

Still, he was kinda secretly plotting an escape. He told James that he could go to South America and find him some gold, and that’s what he did. He wasn’t allowed to attack the Spanish or their territories. Which wasn’t that bad.

However, this whole thing was jinxed because we all know that a) THERE WAS NO GOLD. and b) everyone hated the Spanish. Basically his crew just monkeyed around in the Spanish territories.

Basically he got killed. Er, executed. Same difference.

Anyway. He was a pirate knight awesome lover Elizabeth boyfran prisoner crusader awesome.

The end~

UHM PLEASE EXCUSE ME BEING REALLY IGNORANT ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY SEEN THE SILENCE EPISODE PLEASE DONT HURT ME HALKJWHEKJH.

So this guy has a sorta weird nickname. It was “The Silent”

silence will fall when the question is asked.

Yay Silents. silence will fall.

BUT SO.

Silents are actually Dutch, and the Doctor is actually a Spaniard. And they both fought over the Netherlands. Yay!

WE KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THE NETHERLANDS.

So. William was pretty much the Father of the Netherlands. BUT LET’S STEP INTO THE TARDIS AND CONTINUE WITH THIS DOCTOR WHO THEME. silence will fall when the question is asked.

Charles V. Holy Roman Empire. And he was like “MARTIN LUTHER IS A HERETIC” at Wyrms. Turns out that the family he was from kinda inherited the Netherlands. Charles was fond of the city of Brussels. Which is in Belgium. Which was a part of the Netherlands. And Brussels was one of his favourite place to live. And even though they didn’t really like him, they kinda considered him to be Dutch.

Anyway, the Netherlands started being Protestant. And then the Inquisition! And people were burned and tortured and all that nice stuff. 5,000 protestants were put to death. THEN THINGS GOT WORSE. silence will fall.

Charles kinda retired and gave the throne to his son. Who was not named Charles. His son’s name was Philip II. But he didn’t like the Netherlands. He just kinda thought it was a place to herpderp. So he decided to declare war on the Netherlands!

ANYWAY.

William the Silent! silence will fall when the question is asked.

He was actually German. And he was the Prince of Orange. He was raised Protestant but trained Catholic. Which made things kinda awkward. And when he was old enough, he got put in charge of some Catholic troops in France. Which was good. His buddy was Charles V and everyone was happy.

THEN PHILIP.

Who wasn’t technically the Emperor, but he was still nice to Philip.

For a little. He made him governor of the Netherlands. Buuut then it was a steady decline and William didn’t really like how all of his people were getting killed. And he pretty much got told that Philip was teaming up with France to KILL ALL THE PROTESTANTS. silence will fall.

So William kinda had an official side-switch. He was now pro-Protestant.

AND OGURLLLLLLLL.

Then a revolt! silence will fall when the question is asked.

The leadership of said revolt was kinda thrown on to William, and he was kinda confused. But he fought anyway.

Also I guess we just kinda dropped that whole Doctor Who thing we had going. silence will fall when the question is asked.

ANYWAY.

So he was revolting against Spain. But he wasn’t a very good leader. And he had to ask France for help. And he didn’t go to church a lot because he was busy leading a revolt. And the Catholics didn’t really like him either. Oh, and his brother got dead too. silence will fall.

BASICALLY EVERYONE HATED HIM.

So this Dude Duke. He was sent from Spain to the Netherlands to set up the “Council of Troubles.”

Which was... Troubling.

:D

silence will fall when the question is asked.

...

Anyway!

So a lot of people were killed because they weren’t for the Spanish or the Catholics. And more just kinda got everything taken away from them. And it was also called the Council of Blood, but both names are good. Er, bad. They’re bad names. But they are accurate ones.

AND OGURLLLLLLLL.

THE CITY OF ANTWERP.

...

IT GOT PILLAGED. By the Spanish. They kinda went insane and moved south and they started killing all of these Dutch and oh man it was bad. It was really bad. silence will fall.

So pretty much the North and South part of the Netherlands had been divided. They were really different and they didn’t really help each other out.

UNTIL THEN. They signed this treaty thing and they fought together. Well, for a while. Because Spain won back the Southern Part.

herpderpderp.

But so a bunch of Northern Parts broke up and one was the Republic of the United Netherlands. And the other part was Belgium.

Anyway.

The Dutch signed their own Declaration of Independence and it basically said “WE’RE NOT HERE FOR SPAIN.”

And Philip didn’t like that.

So he was like “NO MOAR WILLIAM.” And then he put up an old west wanted poster. Hooowever, multiple attempts were made. Most failed. Until this insane Fenchman came, SNUCK INTO HIS HOUSE WHILE HE WAS EATING DINNER WITH HIS FAMILY, AND THEN SHOT HIM. WITH TWO PISTOLS. silence will fall.

herpderpderp.

This only made the Dutch more mad because that meant they had their very own martyr. Yay!

So the Dutch eventually totally won against the Spanish. They became a free country and they got a statue and they also got the colour orange.

YAY NETHERLANDS. DUTCH. BLEHBLUHBLEH.

/weirdending

P.S: In no way am I saying that the Doctor is a bad guy. And in no way am I in support of the Silents, or the Silence, or any of their associates. silence will fall when the question is asked.

A REALLY IMPRESSIVE FEAT THAT HAPPENED EVERY OTHER YEAR.

So the Spanish pretty much hated this guy. But the English were like “YESS.”

And his name was Sir Francis Drake. AND HE SAILED AROUND THE WORLD, JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

But he liked to steal stuff from Spanish ships. So he was a pirate. Who traveled around the world. And this was kinda a secret plot from Elizabeth and she made him do it.

herpderpderp.

SO JUST WHO WAS THIS GUY?

He’s Sir Francis Drake! He was born in wosrtistshireshireistchshire with 12 other kids. He got his first gig at 13 and they sailed around for a good 7 years until the captain died, so he was kinda given captainship and he took them back. Then he got another job and they sailed around the Caribbean and the Indies and cuiseship. And he wasn’t really interested in exploring on this little expedition, he was just like “MONEYZ!11!” so he took ALL THE MONEY.

But it turned out that the silver he took from them wasn’t really the Spanish’s either. Because they were kinda jacking it from the Indians’ silver mines. derpderpderp.

And Elizabeth wanted that silver mine. She really wanted it. So she was like “FRANCIS GO GET ME SOME SILVER.” so he was like “OK” This was an unofficial commission, because if they got in trouble Elizabeth was not going to help them. Because that’d look really bad. Anyway, he basically went through this town and basically got all the stuff and he had to leave behind some silver and gold because that had too much. And then he went back to England and got rewarded for being a horrible thieving pirate.

Then she signed a treaty with Spain so she couldn’t acknowledge Francis’s awesomeness.

Five years later he just kinda circumnavigated the world like it was nobody’s buzznuzz. BUT WHY?

So the crew kinda thought they were going to Africa to trade. That was a lie. They were going to Brazil...?

So was he just gonna circle the world fo realz or was it an accident or what? Well nobody really knew. He was just sorta there to steal more silver. More or less.

Nobody knew what was going on. Well, except for Francis. Sorta. Maybe. I guess?

ANYWAY. THERE WERE TWO OTHER CAPTIANS. WE ARE GOING TO MAKE AN EDUMACATED GUESS THAT THERE WERE THREE SHIPS BECAUSE THERE WERE THREE CAPTAINS.

Anyway. Francis’s ship got broke in a storm and they had to get rid of the flagpole mast thing. So everyone just kinda went home. And on take two, the fleet left with 6 ships and 164 people. So I lied. There were 6 ships, not three. They followed Magellan's route and after 8 months three out of 6 ships were gone, and so they kinda jacked Mag’s old strait.

AND THEN SOMETHING TOTALLY UNEXPECTED HAPPENED.

A storm came by and ate a ship. Two were left. The other got scared and left. The other just kinda got blew over on to an island. And then it sailed up the west coast of South America and just kinda RAIDED ALL THE SETTLEMENTS. And he also RAIDED ALL THE SHIPS. And he GOT ALL THE MAPS. ALL THE THINGS.

And then he just kinda sailed into a comfy little harbour. It was probably in Canada, or it was just really really cold and icey, because it was in the middle of.. uhh.... July?

Ok.

Anyway.

This affected a lot of people because England and Spain were all fighting for the general America continent. Basically it got all tense and some srs buzznuzz started goin down. The harbour was claimed for England with a little brass plate made by Francis. And in 1930, it was found!

lol no not really it was a fake.

SO ANYWAY, THEY LEFT.

In a few months they made it back to England. It had been 3 years and he asked if Elizabeth was alive. And she was. Which is good. Becuase that means he would GET ALL THE MONEY.

He got knighted on his ship and then he died a few years later. Like most people do. Well not the knighting part, but the dying part. Because he never found that fountain of youth. ANYWAY.

They kinda just put him in a lead casket and sunk him in the ocean. Some people argue that he should be brought up.

Which would be kind of disgusting. I mean, he’s been dead underwater in a lead casket for 500 years. I don’t think he’d look or smell that nice. I guess there’s no harm in it, but still.

MY OPINION IS UNIMPORTANT. WAIT FOR THE NEXT POST.

TODAY WE'RE HAVING A TWO FOR ONE SPECIAL ON ASTRONOMERS.

This dude. His name was Tycho. And he was a danish.

This means he lived in the bakery section in Kroger, and-

lolno

but serious he was Danish but not like that. And he didn’t live in Kroger. I don’t even think they had Krogers. But if he lived anywhere it wouldn’t be in Kroger because Kroger’s founder is German.

BUT ACTUALLY HE WENT TO UNIVERSITY IN KROGER. Er, in Germany. He went to university in Germany. And he had a swordfight and he basically got his nose chopped off. So he kinda made himself a fake nose out of silver, gold, and face powder.

herpderpderp

ANYWAY.

He did some pretty important star stuffs because he watched a supernova. Which would be awesome. Because a supernova looks kinda like this.

which is awesome. It’s basically a star bigger than the sun EXPLODING. It’s an unstable mass of gas and dust and other junk.

AND IT’S AWESOME.

Basically, it lasts for days or weeks and the light travels for years. Which means it lasts a while.

So anyways, he was like “KING OF DENMARK I CAN HAZ OBSURVUTORI” and the King of Denmark was like “YOU CAN HAZ OBSURVUTORI” and then he put one on a little island named Hven. But it’s pronounced Ven. The H is silent. I’m not sure why. Those silly Danish.

ANYWAY.

So there was al ittle paper mill and a print shop and an OBSERVATORY. And it had some tourists, but Tycho spent a lot of time in his obvservatory.

He was an awesome astronomer, basically. But he still held on to that belief that the Ear was the center of the universe.

derpderpderp.

Anyway, so eventually Ty got booted off that island. Because the old king died and the new king was like “herpderp astronomy no get out.”

So for a while, he just kinda traveled around and wrote his autobiography. Eventually, he settled down in Prague and he was the Holy Roman Math Guy. And then he met this dude named Johannes Kepler.

NOW WAIT A SECOND. WHO IS THIS GUY?

His name was Johannes Kepler and he was German and he was kinda poor but still he went to University and yada yada yada.

His professors taught ancient ideas about astronomy, but they had ~secret seminars~ to talk about Copernicus. Because he was, like, totally so heretical~

Anyway.

Kepler liked these seminars, and he was really smart but he had some questions. So he dropped Ty a line with some of these and Ty was like “DOOD WE SHUD BE FRANDS.” And Kepler was like “sure~!”

Annnd Ty and Kepler were kinda sorta friends, but they were more ~professional~ colleagues. They didn’t really trust each other enough to show each other all of their research, because I guess they were kinda scared they’d get stolen or something.

ANYWAY.

Kepler was better at the mathz than Ty was, and he put some numbers together and he got some weird stuff.

BUT THEN TY DIED.

Basically he had a lot of mercury in his body and he was probs poisoned, but it might or might not have been on purpose. Because sometimes he made “medicine” out of it because he didn’t know it was poisonous. Herpderpderp.

And then Kepler was made the big giant Math guy, because you know. Ty was dead. And zombies aren’t good math guys. But Kepler was pretty cool, because he had laws. And all cool people have laws.

THE FIRST ONE.

Planets don’t move in circles. They just move kinda in oval shapes. Yay!

THE SECOND ONE.

Planets start going FASTER when they go around the sun. Like, the closer to the sun it gets, the faster it goes. Kinda. Which is hard to explain. Just google it if you’re really interested.

Annnd then this:

The squares of the periods of the planets are proportional to the cubes of their semi-major axis.

ha ha ha wat

BASICALLY if you’re a genius astronomathperson than you’ll get it. Maybe. THE DEAL IS I don’t get it and the universe is weird.

Anyway.

Kepler did some shtuff OTHER than math and astronomy shtuff. He also worked with eyes and he learned to understand it. He learned how to make a telescope and he watched Jupiter and shtuff.

He kinda got fired by the new Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire though. Oh well. He still worked and worked and he fixed the callender, and he made some more awesome math shtuff.

Buuut his personal life was sad. His son died and that really really hurt because he was reminded of himself. Then a year later his wife died. And then he got married again and he had SIX MORE KIDS but three of them died and run on sentence. He also developed calculus, so you can yell at him you calculus people. And then he got excommunicated and the Lutherans didn’t really like him.

Anyway. He kinda died quietly without any acknowedgement. Yeah.

BUT TYCHO HAS A FANCLUB ON THE INTERWEBS.... SOMEWHERE. I’ll put a link when I can find it. And when I’m not lazy.

And also when this has a better ending.

YAY MASSACRE.

So this is gonna be a wonderful post, BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT A MASSACRE. Hooray, senseless killing!

Ha ha yeah no. BUT HANG ON.

France. Catherine de Medici was like “LET’S HAVE A WEDDING” but then Jeanne died and everyone got sad but that’s ok kinda, because then there was a wedding which made everyone happy again.

BUT.

The groom was protestant, and the bride was Catholic. Which means there’s gonna be a big giant mess. And the Groom, Jeanne’s son, was like “yeah mom i’ll help you with alla that Protestant stuff yeah.” And he meant it. But, well, it was kinda hard to do that.

AND WHY?

BECAUSE PEOPLE ENJOYED BLOODY WARS.

18 attacks on Protestants, 5 on Catholics, and at least 30 assassinations. IN JUST TEN YEARS. And Charles IX was all up in the buzznuzz too and was like “IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE TAKE THESE” and he gave them four towns. Even though he was Catholic?

Anyways.

So Catherine wasn’t really as much of a problem as anyone thoughts, because she was a lot more humanistic than she was Catholic. Now she didn’t really help the Protestant’s either, but she was just kinda herpderp. But she was really really powerhungry. And she assassinated a little LOT OF PEOPLE.

BAI THUH WAI. THIS IS A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE OF MACHIAVELLIAN TENDENCIES YEW GUIZ.

and sadistic tendencies but that doesnt really matter because it’s a little obvious.

SO THE ROYAL WEDDING.

It was really awkward. Everyone was all smiley but on the inside everyone was FREAKING THE MONKEY OUT because they knew the marriage would probably start of ANOTHER MONKEYING WAR.

Anyway.

So this priest was kinda scared because he thought that Henry would be the French King soon and he would start protestants and oh man no. So he went up to Catherine and was like “YOU KNOW HE’S GONNA JACK YOUR THRONE.” and she was like “o noez.” So she was like “LET’S PLOT US SOME MURDERS” and then they did and had a nice time.

The victim was a protestant Admiral named Coligney and he was really big and she knew that’d help Henry be the not French King.

And then it failed.

SO MUCH FAIL.

And everyone knew that Catherine tried to do it, and she started panicking so she just kinda executed Coligney AND ALL THE PROTESTANT LEADERS IN PARIS.

That just kinda happened to line up with Saint Bartholomew’s Day and everyone was like “herpderp” and it was called a Massacre. Because it kinda was. They just shot everyone.

Which is really sad and sorta derpy because earlier Charles was like “If you were gonna try to kill Coligney y u no just kill everyone” but it was kinda joking.

But then Catholic was like “SORRY I ACCIDENTALLY ALL THE LEADERS.”

And Charles got to watch the whole thing yayy.

Eventually, an angry riotmobthing started going after EVERYONE and killing them and basically it was really really bad. And then it spread from Paris out and it went on for days and weeks and blah.

And what had started as a screwed up murder everyone just started getting murdered. And now Catherine was like OH MAN OH GOSH WHAT AM I GONNA DOOOO~ and she lied and she was like “NO I DUDN’T WANNA KILL HIM CAUSE PROTESTANT I WANTED TO CAUSE UHH LIES.”

Which was an obvious lie and nobody believed her.

And she basically singlehandedly ruined France by not murdering someone well enough. The Civil War went on for another Civil War. And then Charles died and Henry became king and then Catherine died and death and sadness and herpderpfails. And then Henry got assassinated AND THEN IT WAS FINALLY THAT OTHER HENRY’S TURN.

The groom from the wedding? Yeah.

HENRY IV. Even though there have been like a hundredthousandbillionzilliongajilion other Henrys. Anyway! There was a big giant mess for Henry to clean up, anddd he decided to say “SORRY MUMSIE~” and he was Catholic. He made the Edicts of Nantes which was basically “PROTESTANTS ARE COOL YEW GUIZ.” but that didn’t really keep them safe.

Awh.

BUT SOW.

These guiz were basically your greatgreatgreatgreat or however old grandfather. Because the Pilgrims were the descendants of the French Protestants.

OBAITHUHWAY I forgot to say the official name for the French Protestants is “Huguenot.” But I just realized I never put that in here and herpderpmonkeyfails.

CAWERHKJH SO UNORIGINAL WITH TITLES JUST LEAVE ME.

So this lady was lucky. Sorta. Because she ruled two countries sammiched between Spain and France. But they don’t exist anymore.

HIPSTER LADY.

You’ve probably never heard of Jeanna. Or her countries. But you might have if you’re a history major or something. But most people aren’t. Silly non-history majors.

THIS CHICK.

She King of France’s niece. And she lived in Paris, which was SO CATHOLIC. But she was SO PROTESTANT. But he wasn’t really as focused on the Catholic part as he was on keeping her away from Philip II of Spain, WHO WAS AN UNMARRIED LOOSER WHO WOULD SETTLE FOR ANYONE.

Seriously. Phil was turned down by Elizabeth, Mary of Scots, and probably anyone else who he stalked wanted to marry.

(except for Bloody Mary. But she was kinda in the same NOBODY WILL MARRY ME predicament so she doesn’t count.)

So her mummy shipped Jeanna off to Paris when she was about 9, and Francis was like MEDDLEMEDDLEMEDDLE and when she turned twelve he was like MARRY THIS GERMAN DUDE SINCE HE’S RIGHT HERE EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE TWELVE.

And so then Jeanne was like “no.” And Francis was like “YESSS.” and Jeanne was like “noooo” and then they got married anyway. By force. Like4srs she was DRAGGED DOWN TO THE ALTER. And right after she got married she ran away to her mumsie.

The marriage was annulled.

BUT.

Nowadays she was all up in the Protestantantismantprotantantantantantismantism. And she got best frands with John Calvin and she had some tutors (Not Tudor.) and awesomesauce.

And when she turned 20, she got married! And she didn’t have to be dragged or anything!

But the marriage still stunnnnk. Because the guy she married was a loserwagon and he was like “I LIEK THIS WOMAN. AND THIS RELIGION. AND THIS CHURCH. LOL NO I LIKE THIS ONE BETTER. HEY WAIT NO THIS ONE IS COOL. WAIT HANG ON THIS WOMAN IS PRETTY.” and herpderpderp.

And so Jeanne was like “GOD HELP ME.” but like seriously she prayed a lot to God. For help.

So after her daddy died she got to be Queen of Navarre, which was her little country! Which means loserwagon got the be king. But so she gave birth to like 5 kids, but only two of them, you know, lived. So she basically had two kids. And she got real original with the names, let me tell you.

CATHERINE AND HENRY.

But . So she had a pretty tough job between France and Spain, because they were both like “I WANT THIS COUNTRY.” but she was like “newww” but they kept wanting. Because her little country was a Protestant country. Spain and France didn’t like that AT ALL.

And in 1560, she was like “HAY EVERYBODY, GUESS WHAT? I’M PROTESTANT!” and everyone was like “WAAAT.” And so now France, Spain, and Rome were like “we gunnna kheeeel yewww.”

But anyways. Jeanne and her loserwagon hung out in Paris a lot, because they were just kinda getting ready for the throne to open up. And while they were in Paris, religion was like “LOL” and it decided to flip the monkey out. Because Catherine, Queen of France, was like “NO MOAR PROTESTANTZ~!!1!”

Loserwagon was like “ok” and he was Catholic because he didn’t want to die. And then he asked for a divorce. He made her LEAVE HER 9 YEAR OLD SON IN PARIS. And then he made her go home.

KJAHFDKASJBFKADF.

The heck dude.

Oh. Also. Baithuhwai. Jeanne had tuberculosis! She was already tiny and weak and shtuffs, but she still survived.

But her ex-loserwagon died first.

And then Jeanne ruled her little country AWESOMELY, even though she was sick. And tiny. And without a husband or son.

She finally decided to make her little countrycitything into an official Protestant state. She wasn’t one of those KILL ALL THE CATHOLICS people though. Which was good. There were no arrests, no trails, and no inquisition. Mass wasn’t allowed publically, but you wouldn’t get n srs trouble if you were all quiet about it.

THEN PHILIP THE SECOND CAME IN. Er, his son, at least.

And she said no. Because he was Catholic. And she wasn’t. And she didn’t want her little country to be Catholic.

So we’ve got Catherine de Medici, Mary Queen of Scots, Elizabeth, and Jeanne. AND PHILIP STILL CAN’T GET A DATE.

Herpderp.

So there was this scout guy from Mr. P-to-da-ope and he was like “wanna buy some girl scout cookies” and she was like “NO.” and he was like “BUT YOU’LL GET INQUISITIONED.” but she was still like “no.” and then he was like “YOU’LL GET EXCOMMUNICATED” and she was like “I DON’T CAREEE.” and then she slammed the door in his face.

Poor guy.

But so eventually she got frands with the Queen of Paris and she got her son back. When he was like 14. Meaning, it had been about 5 years.

THEN FRANCE’S CIVIL WAR.

Since they were like right next to France it was kinda hard to avoid. So she ran away over closer to Spain. With tuberculosis. And she was, like, fighting. Seriously.

But so eventually peace was made and there was a new king of France and this thing was signed which was good because everyone was happy and vagueness and run on sentence.

Jeanne went back home and Catherine was STALKING HER more or less, and she thought that a royal marriage would help with their peace.

BUT NOT FOR JEANNE.

For her son! Catherine was like “Hey, hey, hey, let’s arrange our kids marriages~!” and Jeanne was like “Ok~! I’LL PICK THE DRESS AND YOU PICK THE CAKE AND WE’LL HAVE A WONDERFUL LOVELY MARRIAGE AND BELHBLAHBLUH”

Which was kinda odd, because one was Catholic and one was Protestant.

Annnd two months before the wedding Jeanne died.

...

BWAHHH D:

But she was actually really young when she died, because she was like 44.

Which was kinda bittersweet, because if she lived much longer she would have seen ALL THE MASSACRE.

So yeah. Also, you’ll have to wait to see how that marriage turned out. But from that aforementioned massacre, you have three guesses about the outcome.

Yeah.

C-C-CLIFFHANGER.

just ignore me please kthnxbai.

So we’ve been all over Scotland and we’re all “HAI SCOTLAND WATS UP” and Scotland’s been like “reformation and queens and bleh whats wif you?”

So Mary! Queen of Scots!

Technically, she was 1 week old when she began her rule. Herpin ma derp like yeuh. So her Mom, who was French, was like “Oh yeah, yeah, my daughter is ruliiing ha ha ha yeahhh.” Because it was totally the baby who was making all of the political decisions. And when she was about 5 years old, she got shipped off to France! Which was terrifying. But after she got there it wasn’t really that bad.

But then the Queen of France. Catherine de Medici~! Yes, that de Medici. THE DE MEDICIS. FROM ITALY.

Anyway, so her son was kinda set up to marry Mary. But neither Catherine or Mary were hip on this idea. Catherine didn’t like Mary’s family, and Mary’s family wanted the French throne. And Francis, the guy who was going to be married to Mary, was kinda lame. And so Mary the marry marriage Mary Catherine Francis Mary marriagemarriagemarriage power Francis marriage power hate. Because it’s all really confusing.

BUT BASICALLY EVERYONE HATED EACH OTHER.

Except for Mary and Francis. They loved each other. BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT, RIGHT? THIS IS A MARRIAGE, NOT A ~MARRIAGE!~

But they got married anyway?

And it was all pretty and in a big church and it was all fancy and they loved each other and it was sweet. And everyone was happy for a little bit, because they were nice and it was both a political marriage, and they really did love each other.

THEN SOMEONE WENT AND DIED AND MADE EVERYONE SAD AGAIN.

But then Francis, Mary’s new husband, was king. Because his dad had died. Which means Mary was Queen of France.

And for some reason WAY BEYOND ME, some people also thought she was the Queen of England. And everyone was happy was because they were so sweet and they were the King and Queen of France and it was all happy.

EXCEPT FOR CATHERINE. Who enjoyed being a big dark storm cloud on a beautiful blue sunny sky :D

And Catherine was mad because her daughter in law was better than her in every single way.

THEN FRANCIS DIED. When he was 18. Two years into their marriage.

This means she was no longer Queen of France. Which is sweet, horrible, WONDERFUL IRONY if you ask me.

Because Catherine was like “I DUN WAN YEW TUH BEE QWEEEEEN.”

Annnd then Mary’s mom died in Scotland.

So she left France and hung out over there, where she was still Queen. So she hopped a boat and got outta there. But not without some weird sappy “GOODBYE, MY LOVE~” chickflick action while she was sailing away.

And then she got home. She was about SIX FEET TALL, and she had LONG SLENDER ARMS, with WHITE PALE SKIN, _{and she had dark hair and eyes but forget about that if you know who/what i’m referring to here brownie points for youuu~!} AND SHE ARRIVED WHEN IT WAS RAINING.

O_o

However, she liked to play golf and go outside and shtuff instead of talk about religion and politics. But she did ask if she could have Mass in her room and they were like “SURE WHY NOT”

So she traveled around Scotland and hung out wif her peeps and dey waz lyk “WATS HAPPININ MAH SISHTA” but then the Son of Philip II was like “MARRIAGEMARRIAGEMARRIAGE SOMETHING COOL IN SPANISH”

But then word got out about this arrangement, and John Knox was like “I’M GONNA SPEAK FOR MARY AND SAY NO.” Because nobody wanted a Catholic Spaniard for their King.

So John Knox met up with Mary and he was like “NO.” and Mary was like “but wai” And John was like “CUZ.” and Mary was all “u treason persunn”

Now he was never really convicted of treason, but Marry never married the marriage that Philip the Marriage son marriage person son. BUT SHE DIDN’T.

But then she...

SHE MARRIED HER COUSIN.

His name was Lord Henry Steward. Who we shall name Stewie. Even though he was known as Lord Darnley. But he was a really bad husband. Because he wasn’t a very good king and he liked other women better. Sooo she met this Italian musician who was her... “Private Secretary.”

Yeah.

They spent too much time together. And while they were EATING SUPPER TOGETHER (they really were only eating supper. I promise.) Lord Darnley and some goons came and killed him right in front of Mary.

BUT WAIT.

So Mary was freakin out for hopefully obvious reasons. She ran away for hopefully obvious reasons, and she gave birth to Darnley’s son. Herpderp.

His name was James. As in, King James Bible. He wrote it. Er, well, not wrote, but you know.

Then some suspicious series of events happened. Darnley got really sick and Mary visited him every night in the hospital. Anddd when she left to go to a wedding party, a LARGE STASH OF GUNPOWDER EXPLODED. However, you’d think they wouldn’t find any Darnley. But instead, they found him naked and strangled in the courtyard?

wat.

Since nothing was ever traced directly to Mary, she never really got in trouble. But a lot of fingers were pointed when she got married THREE MONTHS LATER.

Which was a mistake. Because she married this guy who was probs responsible for the explosion. And everrryone suspected her now and she had to give up the throne to her husband. Who was named James.

So basically she got fired.

And then her hubby got sent to prison and hung out with Mr. Rack’s cousin. He doesn’t have a name, because he’s only half a pole. Now what’s so bad about that? NO, NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT’S FOR. He had to stand next to it and he was chained to it. FOR TEN YEARS. Now, that’s not HORRIBLE, but it was only half his height. Which means he had to squat next to it. FOR TEN YEARS.

Also, Mary was in Prison too but she didn’t have the whole pole derps stuff. And she had tried to escape twice. Once in a disguise, but that didn’t work.

And then she tried to escape with some buddies, which actually did work. So she fled to England to find Elizabeth. BECAUSE WHO ELSE.

Actually it makes a lot of sense. Because Elizabeth was her cousin. But they had never really met. But it was kinda an awkward situation, because at first she was like “Y U COME TO ENGLAND.” but then right after she said that she was like “Come in~!” And that whole situation from a while back made it worse. And some thought that Mary should be queen instead of Elizabeth. And you had some people who were like “ANCESTORY” and some people were liek “CATHOLIC” and bleh blah bluh.

And with al these issues, stuff was weird. And a really failtastic trail was held to get to the bottom of Stewie’s death/murder. In England. Mary was not given a lawyer, and some letters were probably fake. So that whole plan of running away to England kinda backfired because she got in jail again.

herpin mah derp like yeuh.

Eventually, Elizabeth was all sad because she didn’t want to kill Mary but she had to so she did.

So basically the executioner did a really bad job and it took him THREE SWINGS TO KILL HER.

Uhh yeah.

So she died, and she died PAINFULLY. But not for very long, but still. Eww.

Eee uh. So yeah. The end?

Uhmmm SUPER WITTY SUBJECT TITLE I GUESS?

So you guiz know Mary Queen of Scots?

WELL YOU’RE NOT GONNA READ ABOUT HER.

You’re gonna read about her arch enemy, John Knox!

You have three guesses as to why. YES, IT WAS CATHOLIC VS. PROTESTANT SHTUFF. Mary was Catholic. John was not. And to mess things up even more, Mary’s mother was a French Catholic. Her cousin was the HEAD OF THE ENGLISH CHURCH. So Mary had some really weird roots.

But Knox can have weird roots too! He was raised catholic. But somewhere along the way he fell down a flight of stairs and sense was knocked into him.

Well not really but he did go to Catholic school but came out Protestant. However that works. And he was a really really strong one. He had a little preacher friend and he was basically his bodyguard. Because Scotland was Catholic at the time.

Like, srs. A few were captured and burned at the stake. One of these being John’s little preacherfran. Apparently, John did not do a very good job :|

This left a mark on John. Because after you watch someone you guard with your life burn to death, that is a little source of trauma in your every day life. So John and some other nobles took revenge!

ON THE ARCH BISHOP.

Which wasn’t good, but nobody really liked him anyway. So they just killed him and took over his castle. John wasn’t really into the whole revenge-murder stuff, but he did help take the castle.

And then he became a preacher!

And for a year, John and his friends had held the castle. And then Suddenly France was like “U MAD BRO?” and took it.

Now why the heck were the French in Scotland?

Because apparently, Scotland had been united with France a while back. And they bonded over their mutual hatred for England and it’s weird Religion mix thingy.

And as a Catholic nation, French troops came and jacked the castle again and imprisoned John and his buddies. They made them those people in the movies who rows the boats and were forced to attend Mass. FOR NINETEEN MONTHS.

John still hung out and was still Protestant. And then when he was freed. And he went to England and was a Chaplin to Edward. But then Edward died and and then Mary took over!

And Mary was a very strong Cathloc! Who burned Protestants! WHAT A WONDERFUL BOSS HE HAD.

So he got the monkeys out of England. And he went over to Geneva!

Which was a really smart place to go because it was all safe and nice and shtuff. He met John Calvin and they were best buddies and bleh bluh blah blah bluh bleh.

So it was really nice for Knox, but he got homesick so he was like “EVEN THOUGH IT’S DANGEROUS I’M JUST GONNA HANG OUT HERE.” but then the big fish were like “lol no ur not” and he was like “HA HA HA YEAH I WAS KIDDING!” And he went back to Switzerland. But then he was like “HAI GUIZ I’M BAAACK~” And he stayed for good.

So let’s pause. We have a lot of Marys.

Mary G. was French. She married WEDDED James V of Scotland.

Their daughter was named Mary. James V died.

Mary was a baby. She could not rule for hopefully obvious reasons. Mary G. ruled Scotland. Mary, who was half Scottish, half French, grew up in France. This Mary is Mary, Queen of Scots. Not Mary G.

Mary G. did not need to be on the throne because she was only Queen via Marriage. And she was French. Which is never good.

But she was a good queen because she allowed freedom of worship. A lot of Protestants ran into Scotland which made everyone happy.

Buuuuut! When Protestantism (Big words~!) started to get all over the place, Mary felt like the people were slipping away. Because Protestantism is slippery and it’s hard to pick things up when they keep sliding all over the place.

So she got one of those rubber things which help you open bottle caps when your hands are all slippery and she got a better grip. She started to make some rules which some people didn’t really like, and John Knox came over and was like HAI GUIZ and everyone was like HAI JOHN and he was like OH NOEZ THIS ISN’T GOOD LET’S GO INTO SWITZERLAND MODE!

Which sounded like a good idea at the time.

But he was kinda mean and hard with his preaching, and some mobs come and destroyed some Catholic Churches and stuff. Now he did not say openly “WE’RE GONNA GO START A RIOT YOU GUYS BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT CHRIST WOULD WANT US TO DO.” No, he was like “STRONG PREACHING STRONG PREACHING STRONG PREACHING” and the people had the idea for the riots. But not John. He wasn’t really related to that bit.

But he did write some stuff like “WOMEN ARE BAD. THAT MANS YOU, BLOODY MARY AND MARY G. AND MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS.”

“AND CATHERINE.”

They were all Catholic. And the Protestants were like YEAH!

And the Catholics were like WAT.

Especially the Marys.

And Catherine.

The book was banned, like, everywhere. Mary G. made possession of it PUNISHABLE BY DEATH. Even his buddy John Calvin was like “Dude.” and he banned the book too. But he just had it burned and didn’t really kill anyone for owning it.

But some how he got himself into Parliament. and after he was in there, HE WAS LIKE SUPERMAN. He basically transformed Scotland into a Protestant nation by preaching to them.

So this one time he was like “HAIII LIZABETHHHH” But Elizabeth was like “ha ha ha no im a woman im 2 week to rule i mean u said that riiiiiittteee?” And John was like “...CRUD. YEAH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.” And then she was all “ok heres some ships so france dosnt kil u kthnxbai”

And that worked and she drove the French Ships on to the land and then the Scottish dealt with them.

Then John was like “LET’S BOND OVER OUR MUTUAL HATED HATRED FOR FRANCE.” and then Elizabeth was like “kk”

Which was really ironic, because that is EXACTLY what happened with Scots and France.

John was grateful, but he was still like “I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT CHURCH YOU GOT THERE.”

So he secretly like “i want to make scotland more protestant than england because i’m cool and hipster like that.” So he preached a LOT, and he wrote some books, and basically devoted all his time to BEING MORE PROTESTANT THAN ENGLAND.

He prepared the “First Scottish Confession of Faith” and the “First Book of Discipline.”

And they were books!

They were standards/guidelines for the church and state and blah blah blah. However, he was a genius and thought the state was allowed to condemn heretics to death yayyy!

He was like “HA HA FORGET MR. P-TO-DA-OPE” And got rid of his rules, but then he was all “HA FORGET MASS” and he got rid of that too.

But so this is now the Presbyterian Church, which is all cool and dandy.

BUT THEN MARY.

Queen of Scots, this time.

She was 18 and pretty and smart and she was a widow (Which is sad, because she was married at really young) and since her French husband had died the French sent her packin’. Back to Scotland. As a really strong Catholic. In a really strong Protestant nation.

WELL THAT IS GONNA WORK REAL WELL.

She got married to a Catholic nobleman and everyone was like “WaT.”

Deja vu.

So everyone kinda guessed this would be a repeat of Bloody Mary, but it wasn’t really that bad. She was kinda ok-ish. Sorta. But she and John were like “RAH RAH RAH”

And John was like “RAH RAH MORALS RAH RAH”

And Mary was like “CRY CRY CRY I’M A BAD PERSON CRY.”

And then John was like “RAH RAH RAH YEAH RAH.”

And Mary was like “CRY CRY I DON’T CARE.”

Likesrs. John was a really brutal preacher. And Mary’s morals needed to be reformed. And eventually they were. But we’re not gonna talk about that right now ;D

So eventually John kinda calmed down a little. And then he died. Like most people do.

BUT SRS YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT LIKE A WHOLE THREE MORE DAYS TO FIGURE OUT MARY.