Thursday, April 28, 2011


This churchadurp had a big thing on Egypt. DOO DO DO DOO DA DOO DA DO DA DOO~ (Read that as the snake-charmer song thing.) And there was a big churchadurp in Alexandria. It was really purdy :D But then the Mummies rose outta the ground and attacked the church because the mummies were Islamic. And they were all “MRWAAAA WE’RE ISLAMIC MUMMIES.”
Remember Mo? He cursed the mummies and made them Islamic. And since Egypt is like RIGHT THERE next to Saudi Arabia, Egypt got attacked real bad by the Mummy Islam Terrorists. A buncha Christians converted to Mummy Islam Terrorists. And they were all “MRAAA THE ISLAMIC MUMMIES WE WILL NOT DIE AND WE WILL FOLLOW YOU DURP.”
But there was this one guy named... Moaz Ladeen Allah El Fatimy. FATIMY. TROLOLOLOLOL.
And he liked watching people debate. SUPER TROLOLOLOLOL. Super epic trololololol win. And then he had a big debate over Christianity and Judaism. AND OH GUUURRRLLLL IT WAS ON.
So they had a buncha fights ad debates and junk. Then the guy who was representing the Jews found a verse in the Bibe, Matthew 17:20. It wassss: “He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” So genius over hurr decided to take it literally. He thought he was so smart and so he threw it out there and was all “OK SO YOU GUYS GOT THREE DAYS TO MOVE A MOUNTAIN, COVERT TO MUMMY ISLAM, GET OUT, OR DIE.”
But so Mr. P-to-da-ope was prayin’ and hopin’ and sleepin’ and dreamin’ and he had a vision and God said “YOU GO FIND A MAN WITH SOME WATER MR. P-TO-DA-OPE.”
So Mr. P-to-da-ope went and he found this dood Simon who was carrying some water to some widows and orphans. So Mr. P-to-da-ope took Simon to this mountain where all the other Jews and Christians were. And ‘pparently they were at the mountain and they had a earthquake and the mountain moved. And the Jewish guy was like “ZOMG IT’S MOVING :DDDD”
And everything was alright, and Kaylen was like “THE END :DDDD”

Monday, April 25, 2011


China is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to China.
If you get that, post in the comments. You will win a pan-galactic gargle blaster if you know what I referenced up there. If you know what a pan-galactic gargle blaster is, you’ll win one. But you probably wouldn’t want one if you knew what it was.
There was this one dood and he made it all better :D
His name was general Zhao Kuanguin. I have a game for you. Say this: “How long is a Chinese name.” Post answer in comments. YOU HAVE TO SAY IT OUT LOUD :D
He stole the throne from a 7 year old. Like takin’ candy from a baby :D
So this guy who I will now call Kanguin made a place called Kai Feng (Kai FUNG, not FENG) the capital. And there were a buncha restaurants. 24 hour restaurants. Now normally I would just say something like this because I can mislead you on history. I did not make this up. srsly go Google it. THEY HAD RESTAURANTS. TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY. AND They had markets. AND Theaters. AND they had festivals. Every. Week :D
Now NORMALLY When somebody asks you “Ok so if you had a time machine *cough* TARDIS *cough* when would you go to?” You don’t say “OHEHMGEE ANCIENT CHINA TOTALLY :D” But now you can. Because now I totally will. I MEAN, FESTIVALS EVERY WEEK MAN :D
So Kanguin’s birth is really interesting. He got his name, which is actually very literal, as a mixture of his parents. His father’s name was Zoo, and he was a Kangaroo. His mother was a Penguin named Hahaha. They were both from China, and the names were combined to make Zhao Kanguin. Makes perfect sense, yah :D
But so Confucius, whom I have nothing witty to say about, had his little religion going really hard right then. He was dead, but it went really big in this time. And Confucius’ golden rule was BE NICE. Doesn’t it sound a bit familiar? Yahhh :D
But so because people were nice everything went smooth. And they were real nice to the peasants. And the slaves weren’t treated too bad. Yayyy :D
And these guys had paper money OH YAH. Now this doesn’t sound so cool to us. But the Europeans didn’t have any paper money. Good job Europeans. Good job. And guess how they carried the coins? The Chinese made necklaces. Kinda like candy necklaces. OH MAYBE THAT’S HOW RAPPERS GOT THE IDEA :D

And thisss:

Ok, so yeah :D
And there was the movable print. Instead of thisss:

“Careful, careful, CAREFUL! Ok, there’s that letter. Ok, let's paint another one. Careful... careful... CAREFUL! Ok, cool. That one’s good, I guess. Careful... careful... CAREF- AWW REALLY WHAT I WAS ALMOST DONE LOOK STUPID GRAVITY I HATE YOU GOSH WHY DID YOU RUIN IT LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE RAHRAHRAHRAHHH DDDD:<<<<” You could just use a little stamp thing. Yeah, I’ll take the stamp. This invention was really really important :D And they invented compasses. Like, the kind that points around, not the circle-y kind :D And there was art. So much purdy purdy art! The folding Chinese lady fans, and all that pretty stuff :D But there was something really really nasty. They did something called “foot binding.” They thought girls were prettier if they had bitty feet. So they made their feet smaller by wrapping them. In rope. Eeew DDD: But now, I part you, WITH THIS :D

A girl worth fighting for does not have bitty feet.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Prime Minister is Trollin'

So there were peeps from Grease and Rome that lived in “Russia” but it wasn’t really a county. But so it took me really long to write that because I messed up on a buncha spelling, so I won’t tell you all who else moved in. But a buncha people from different places were living in South Russia. But all these people were ruuuully different, no duh. But they needed a buncha courts. 2 for Jews, 2 for Christians, 2 for Muslims, and 1 for Pagans. Poor Pagans.
So Ital, the biggy city like New York, was like New York. So I’mma call it New Italyork. But they were a trading city like New York, and they had Vikings, like New York. Well, New York doesn’t have a lot of vikings, but it should. New York would be cooler with Vikings. EVERYTHING is cooler with vikings :D
But so this brings us to Vladimer, not the Putin. Sounds like Pootin’, but he is present day. Bwah ha ha Prime Minister of Russia is trollin’ :D
But so Vladimer was all coo’ and made some churches and he knew Christianity was good and stuff. But so he didn’t know what kinda church he should do. So he picked some people to go to Constantinople and to Germany and the Eastern church was so purdy :D So Vlad picked East churches because they were so purdy and shiny.
But so people who weren’t Christians started gettin’ dead. And that was really bad. But so he got married to this chick from the Byzantine Empire :3 And then they had a wittle boy named Yaroslav the wise. And I guess he was wise. And again mom never ends these things really well so I’ll show you a picture of these Byzantine earrings:

Buy me a pair and send them to my address, which is listen here:
Kaylen Liggen
1234 Trollin Way
Gotham City, New York, 12345

Thanks :DDD

Monday, April 18, 2011

Tree is not a number.

So the Holy Roman Empire was not very Holy. Or Roman. Shame shame shame .-. But it turns out that this is about the Holy Roman Empire, but mom told me that it was about Otto. So I’m not changing the title.
But Otto was a princeyking and he hung out in Germany. He got buncha land for Germany. Coolio :D So he got a buncha success. Then he saw Italy and loved their pizza and spaghetti. So he wanted Italy. He married a pretty lady named Adelaide who was known far and wide for her pizza-making and spaghetti-making skillz. Well I think she was pretty. I hope she was.
I could care less about what she wears or what she looks like! It only depends on what she cooks like! Beef, pork, chicken! Mmm! Sorry. Mulan obsession :D
But so he married Adelaide chick.
But Mr. P-to-da-ope called him and asked Otto to help him with this little riot that was going on. So Otto helps out and calmed ‘em down. But Mr. P-to-da-ope wanted to thank him, so he crowned him KING OF THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE. WUTISTHISIDONTEVEN. Let’s take a look:
NUMBAR DOS: Otto was a GERMAN. German =/= Roman.
NUMBAR TREE: Tree is not a number.

Ok so I don’t know where to start back off. So I’m going to do this:

Now then. I have your attention. BACONY GOODNESS :DDD Now let’s get BACON track, and LETTUCE go back to the story. I can’t think of a pun with Tomato in it. Sorry. Pretend there’s something witty/punny here about tomatoes so we can make a word BLT.
But so Otto I was responsible for remaking the Holy Roman Empire. Or maybe it was Mr. P-to-da-ope. But like I said, the Empire was not Holy, or very Roman. Well, Mr. P-to-da-ope was kinda Roman but not really since, well, Rome fell and... Oh whatever. You get it. But so over the next 900 years
Yoda is 900 years old. So is Dr. Who. Who do you like more? Here are some pictures to help you decide:

Dr. Who:

I know which one. Tell me what you think in the poll/comments :D
German kings ruled over the “Holy” “Roman” Empire. FAIL PEOPLE ARE FAIL.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


Herpaderp so this king was good. No duh.
Kay so there were these guys named Methodius and Cyrill. Sorry I didn’t take notes on ‘em. Stinks for you. Bit in the middle of their stuff the guys went to Czechoslovakia they met this prince dood and his wifey. They were Chrisitians then.
But these cool peeps were Wencles’ grandparents. And his daddy was the Duke of Bohemia. But he died when Wencles was 13. So sad D: But so he moved in with his papaw and mamaw. And he was really close to his mamaw. And what about his mother? Oooh there was some drama. She didn’t like how mamaw was teaching little Wencles about Christianity. CALL IN THE DRAMA LLAMA!

But so Wencles’ mumma was banished for mamaw’s death. But then Wincles brought his mom back because he was nice.
So he was really really nice to everybody. He was smart and brave and nice. But there were some bad guys that didn’t like that. There was his bro that was all “HAI BRO I HATE JOO SO I’MMA KILL YA.” So he did. And at 929 he died, but bro didn’t kill him. It was some other guys but bro came real close. So so uber sad D:

Monday, April 11, 2011

Teh Trollfaceites TROLLOLOLOLOL

Be warned: This’ll probably have a buncha stuff about the Lion King.
But so Zimbabwe is in Africa. And Africa is pretty epic. I mean it has Egypt and the Sahara Desert and stuff. And the Kushites lived south’a Egypt. They were also called the Newbians. That is not how you spell it. I don’t care. Newb = noob = n00b = TROLLFACE.

Ok so this is a trollface + IE. So this isn't the real trollface picture. I don't care. I laughed really hard when I saw it. Problem?

See? Trollface.
But the Trollfaceites were pretty epic. But they stole da pyramids from the Egyptians. They even ruled the Egyptians for a bit. And they had swimming pools. And boats.
But so the Trollfaceites died out eventually. Nobody knows why - except for me. The Trollfaceites died because dey be trollin’, we hatin’. So they died out because they could not type, and therefore they could not order things from Amazon and you need to get stuff from Amazon to live. We would know more about the Trollfaceites if we could decipher their writings, but they wuz tpin lik tis and we cant red it because it gets realy anonying and makes whevr reds it BRIAN ASPOLE LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

But now let’s talk about Zimbabwe. They had some epic buildings mannn. Zimbabwe means “House of Stone” I dunno. But I think they built Stonehenge, and a magical wizard came and moved it to England. Makes tonsa sense, eh? :D
Uhm. Ok. So I really don’t know what to put here. So I’ll write about ducks. And by write, I mean directly copy off Wikipedia.

Duck is the common name for a number of species in the Anatidae family of birds. The ducks are divided between several subfamilies in the Anatidae family; they do not represent a monophyletic group but a form taxon, since swans and geese are not considered ducks. Ducks are mostly aquatic birds, mostly smaller than the swans and geese, and may be found in both fresh water and sea water.
Ducks are sometimes confused with several types of unrelated water birds with similar forms, such as loons or divers, grebes, gallinules, and coots.

Ok so now lets get back to Zimbabwe. their houses didn’t have roofs. Whut ._. You’d think these people that are all super uber duper builders. But whatever. This is going to be kinda anti-climatic because this isn’t a story or anything. So I’m just going to end here. PEACE.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Ok, so New Zealand is awesome. Nuff said. I can’t just leave you with that though. So I’ll tell you why it’s awesome :DDD
New Zealand is Australia’s shoes. Like, Australia is is the body, and New Zealand is the shoes. It’s as far down as you can get before you hit Antarctica. That’s pretty awesome. But there are more reasons. It was founded about the same time as Iceland. Coolio, eh? :D
There was this cool dood named Kupe. Fun to say. He discovered New Zealand because he’s awesome. Therefore that makes New Zealand awesome. Makin’ sense? Yeppers :D
New Zealand is also rully big. Well, in comparison. It was rully big to Kupe. Big things are awesome. And there was a really big flightless bird there that was wingless and could grow up to 13 feet tall. It’s extinct though D: But it reminds me of Kevin from up. And another epic bird there is a Kiwi bird. I LOVE KIWI BIRDS.

Adorable, eh? :DDD I LOVE IT. So the New Zealanders have epic birds. And no doubt you’ve heard of a kiwi fruit. It was named after the bird. And they grow in New Zealand! The people in New Zealand are called Kiwis, actually. Lotsa kiwi :D
And they had epic tattoos. Like, all over their faces. Elch. Kinda cool. The chief had a epic big tattoo and a slave had one on her nose. Heh heh. Nose tattoo.
They don’t do that anymore. But they do this crazy dance called the Haka. It’s uber funny and kinda scary to watch. They stick out their tongues and bulge out their eyes. Go watch it on youtube by clicking on the title. I’d be scared. But it’s awesome.
It also has tonsa plants that don’t grow anywhere else. Cool, amirite? Sorite. But the people didn’t write anything. They just told stories to each other and taught them to each other. Coolio, eh? Yep.
And they make epic epic movies. Epic epic EPIC movies. And it’s really pretty there. So yeah.
Bottom line, New Zealand is awesome. You agree? You’d better.

Monday, April 4, 2011


So a Swedish dood named Gardar got a bitty island ‘bout 500 miles south of Sweeden. But this guy got an island. But while he was sailing to it, he got all Gilligan's Island and crashed on Iceland. It was actually really really nice :3 Not too bad.But in the winter it was rully bad. It was really nice for the Swedish though.
But back then he named it after himself. Psch, lame-o.
But so a few years later there was this viking guy who found it. So he went back home and told people about it. So then there was another viking named Flocki Vilgerdarson. THAT’S SO FUN TO SAY. Vilgerdarson Vilgerdarson Vilgerdarson. But Flocki got there in the summer. It was great mannn :D There were fish and seals and sheepiesss. But then it got cold in the winter. So Flocki went back home.
Then there were these cousins that wanted to go to Iceland and live there. And they weren’t nice vikings. they were RAWR I’MMA EAT JOO DDD8{ vikings. But then people started moving there.


So anyways. There wasn’t a king. But people decided Iceland decided to set up different regions called things. Yes. Things. Then they voted for some little rulers, like a parliament. The was called the Althing. As in, all things. Win.
But there were people living in Iceland before the vikings came. They were monks living in caves, trying to escape from the bad stuffz in Ireland. Then the vikings came.
I can just picture a little cave and there are monks in there getting ready for a surprise party for Billy Bob Monk, and then the vikings come and crash the party. HAPPY BIRFDAY ;D
But yeah. Purdy awesome? Yeah. Purdy awesome.

Friday, April 1, 2011


The Vikings were really messed up. They were mean and stole stuff and all that D: But they were also called Norsemen or Northmen. Because they lived wayyy up there. Not in the sky or something, but up north.
So Slartibartfast made all the fjords and his face is in a glacier up there somewhere and- waaaiiitt...
But up there wasn’t really a great place to farm. So what did the Vikings do? They stole. And that ain’t good. No, no, not good at all .-.
But they made ships with nice flat bottoms. I LIKE BIG- nevermind. But so the Vikings liked raiding the Monasteries. The monk doods like having parties and they had a buncha food and people and stuff up there so it was really good for the Vikings but they were never invited to any parties so they just crashed. And it was really bad and evil and fail .-.
So they were realllly crazy man. The Swedish Vikings got Russia. They were known as the Verigans. The Dains were from Denmark. They got a place in England and called it York. TAYLOR YORKKK! No. And there were some Norwegian Vikings that went to Ireland. And they went explorin’ as far as North America. LEAF ERICSON DAY! Sorry, that’s a later lesson.
But I hear the vikings coming after me. DEY CLIMBIN’ IN YO WINDOWS DEY SNA- *gets snatched up.*