BLUHBLUHBLUH

POTATOES. TOBACCO.

This guy is responsible for a whole cultural stereotype! WELL DONE SIR. WELL DONE.

Sir Walter Raleigh singlehandedly introduced potatoes and tobacco to Ireland. And he was pretty much a stereotype himself, but whatever.

LET’S TALK ABOUT HIM.

He wasn’t actually Irish. He was English. And he went to France. And he fought with Huguenots. Otherwise known as the Protestants. And he just got out of France before that big giant massacre. Which is good. He started hating the Roman Catholics and kinda started breaking away from religions. Which didn’t mean he wasn’t a Christian, he was just sick of the BLUHBLUHBLUH.

So he kinda stood over here in the corner.

He went home and went to college and law and Aristotle but he never actually graduated. He decided he’d be a pirate instead!

And if I had the chance to drop out of school and be a pirate in 16th century England, three guesses as to my choice.

Actually you’d only need one guess because there are only two answers but oh well.

Walter and his half brother starting pirating. And being pirates. And stuff. He was pretty much Elizabeth’s favourite, uhh, pirate. He was all nice and ruthless and he put down a revolt and he was rewarded and he had ALL THE MONEY.

Er, well, he was actually rewarded with land.

BUT STILL.

He had 12,000 ACRES of land. In Ireland. Which is a lot. He was also Elizabeth’s boyfran, and he was handsome and yadayadayada.

Even though he was 20 years younger than she was.

AND THEN SHE GAVE HIM 42,000 MORE ACRES IN IRELAND. I’M PRETTY SURE HE LIKE HAD THE WHOLE COUNTRY NOW BUT WHATEVER.

He got knighted. So now he was a knight pirate. He was also the queens boyfran and a lot of people were jealous.

And for yeeears he was just kinda hanging out doing whatever he wanted. And then he started a colony in America and named it this little thing you’ve probably never heard of VIRGINIA.

So something really weird happened. He wanted to go on a second trip and Elizabeth was like “thats cool bro” BUT. She made him stay. He did stay, and the voyage left, HOWEVER.

Basically they all went and colonized and they hung out for a little bit. And then the Governor went back to England for food and moneyz. But Spain was like NEWWW and GOVNAH couldn’t leave for like three years.

And then when he went back THE COLONY WAS DESERTED. Which was really creepy. But it was probably Indians.

Anyway!

BACK IN ENGLAND.

Walter had a ship. He fought the Spanish Armada. And he was awesome and Elizabeth loved her and he had Ireland and he had this Poet.

THEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED.

HE FELL.

IN.

LOVE.

waitwat.

Basically there was this girl Her name was Elizabeth... Throckmorton?

AND HE CALLED HER BESS.

Basically she worked for Elizabeth. And HE didn’t want Elizabeth to find out he loved Elizabeth so he married Elizabeth in secret, and if Elizabeth ever found out he married Elizabeth then there would be trouble.

...

This isn’t gonna work.

ELIZABETH WORKED FOR QUEENSY. Walter didn’t want Queeny to find out he loved Elizabeth, so he married her in secret, and if Queeny ever found this out there would be trouble.

AND THEN SHE FOUND IT OUT.

AND THERE WAS TROUBLE.

So she threw them in the tower of London to have a wonderful honeymoon. And then Walter wrote a flattering letter to Queeny and Walter got released.

And then a little bit later Bess got out. But she didn’t have a job anymore so herpderp.

Anyway! Walter kept adventuring and he suddenly GOLD WANT. And you can guess how that went.

NOW THEN.

Later he brought the potatoes to Ireland. He sold some land and he went back to ADVENTURING~!

BUT.

Walter adventure came to a screeching, burning halt. Because Elizabeth died. And her cousin came to power. Walter was charged for, uhh, treason, and so he was locked up in the tower. And he sent Bess a love letter and it was sweet and happy. Because writing one to the king wouldn’t work the way it did on Elizabeth.

BUT!

Walter didn’t actually die! King James kept him alive for another 13 years. Which wasn’t as lousy as it could have been. He had books and stuff and his wife and kid could live with him and he had servants and he wrote and stuff was actually pretty nice.

Howeverrr, time in prison was still time in prison.

Still, he was kinda secretly plotting an escape. He told James that he could go to South America and find him some gold, and that’s what he did. He wasn’t allowed to attack the Spanish or their territories. Which wasn’t that bad.

However, this whole thing was jinxed because we all know that a) THERE WAS NO GOLD. and b) everyone hated the Spanish. Basically his crew just monkeyed around in the Spanish territories.

Basically he got killed. Er, executed. Same difference.

Anyway. He was a pirate knight awesome lover Elizabeth boyfran prisoner crusader awesome.

The end~