Monday, October 31, 2011


So you guyz muhmeber the Italian Rennisance. You guyz muhmember Cosimo. Cosimo de’Medici. Well there were more de’Medicis in Italy. There were some great de’Medicis, and a lot were great. But there are only ONE magnificent. And he was Cosimo’s grandson. He loved the arts, the classics, music, architecture, and allathat jayazz. So the golden ages were returning, and Lorenzo the Magnificent was ruling.
Another family were 4srs about getting him off of the “throne.” And an Archbishop and Lorenzo weren’t really bestfrands.
So the family and the Archbishop got together and they ~planned~.
They were going to kill Lorenzo.
They were going to do it ON SUNDAY.
They stabbed Lorenzo’s brothah TO DEATH. It was not just a quick little thing, they like tackled him and did it over and over and over.
But Lorenzo only got a cut from the fight.
So Lorenzo was outta the church, and the Archbishop decided to rouse the crowd/mob/riot AGAINST the de’Medici family.
So do you think that they all were like “YAH FREEDOM WOO FORGET THE DE’MEDICIS.”
OR were like like “LOLNOPE”
Well, they were all pretty confused after the MURDER THEY ALL JUST WITNESSED.
however, they still had good common sense. They yelled something in Italian, which translates to “LONG LIVE THE BALLS!”
So the Archbiship did a pretty bad job of turning the crowd against the family. So what’d they do? THEY HUNG THE ARCHBISHIP AND THE MURDERER. So we just have, you know, a little riot.
The other murderer was stripped and dragged around the street.
Yeah. It’s a riot.

So news of this reached Mr. P-to-da-ope. He learned that the Archbishop had been hung, and he got rull mad. He punished the city of Florence and he excommunicated Lorenzo.

So if this weren’t Harsh enough (it gets worse.), Mr. P-to-da-ope started a war. Against Florence. WITH NAPLES.
BUT WAIT! It’s about to get more interesting.
In response to this crisis, Lorenzo decided tooo...
It’s like Obama goin’ over to have a little chit-chat wif (enter good analogy here because I can’t th ink of one.)
He could have gone and killed Lorenzo right there, but he was too confused to do it. So he decided to let Lorenzo explain what was goin’ on. Apparently, he explained himself pretty well, because he stayed in Naples for THREE MONTHS AS AN HONOURED GUEST.
So they cancelled the war.
And Mr. P-to-da-ope just said “Meh. Whatever.” and he forgot the war. Lorenzo went back to Florence and the unquestioned but loved ruler. He got 70 peeps to help him rule - a council, if you will. The Council of 70. That’s the legit name. It’s like the Super Committee. Council of 70, Super Committee. Original names.
So Lorenzo was in every parade, had a lot of books, was a good politician, and was, over all, a pretty great guy. He wrote songs for carnivals, went to carnivals, employed special musicians for carnivals, and pretty much had a good time. At carnivals. Andeven when there weren’t carnivals, people sang his songs and danced in the streets because everybody likes a good PARTAYY~.
His passion for music was deeper than carnival stuff though. He wrote sonnets, love sonnets, nature sonnets, hymns, Biblical plays, and allathat. And pretty much, everybody loved him. He was a patron of the arts, and he influenced a guy named Sandro Botticelli. He was a painter, and he brought Greek/Roman mythology to life via painting. lolno not really. But he painted a lot of mythology stuff and he did it REALLY well. So Botticelli had been paintin’ mythology stuff, and a preacher came in and said to all of Florence, “YOU GUYS SHOULD REPENT.” So Botticelli decided to stop painting mythology stuff and he decided to ONLY paint Bibley stuff.
Now because Lorenzo was so epicawesomesaucewin, I wish I could say he lived a long time. But he didn’t. So he died, and the whole town, and ALL of Italy, mourned his passing. He died at 43, with the same priest that converted Botticelli praying over him.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Renaissance Man.

Ok. So. There was this guy. His name was Cosimo de’Medici. We’ll call him Mo the other Mo.)
And his family was very big and very famous. Three of the people in his family were Popes, Mo’s grandson was called “The Great” and three women in his family were queens. And Mo was the father of his country.
So Mo was responsible for getting the renaissance out the door.
So, Mo lived in Italy. Go figure. So it wasn’t all nice and together like you see it today. It was kinda like Greece was, with a buncha little city-states. They were ruled by rich peeps instead of kings, and they all fought with each other.
One of these city states was Florence, which was the home of Mo. They were bankers, and they had some moneh. And with wealth and power, they decided they’d rule Florence. Nobody stopped them. Mo was the second Medici to rule Florence, and everyone liked him. He liked to read stuffz, and so he bought books directly from the scholars that were fleeing from Istanbul/Constantinople. So Mo just bought the books, which were Greek Manuscripts and stuff from SPA (For those of you who don’t remember, SPA is Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle. SPA~!) So Mo spent lotsa moneh on books. He had THOUSANDS of books written in Latin and Greek. He shared his books with people though, so that was good. In fact, he started an academy centered around his books from Plato. The people that studied there were called Humanists, and you can guess what they studied. Most of these peeps left God out of their buzznezz though D:
Some didn’t though!
Anyway, most did leave God out. *le sniffle*
So now let’s talk about some of Mo’s friends. Four of them.
The first was named Philippo Brunelleschi. We shall call him Phil.
So he liked to build stuffz. And he didn’t like the gothic stuff that was old from the Medieval times.

So Phil decided to look at the Greek and Roman stuff. So you can guess why Mo and Phil were friends. In fact, Phil moved to Rome for a little bit so he could look at the ruins. Phil as a famous dome too. It’s called the Dome of Florence. SO ORIGINAL. But he got to do it over some buzznezz with an egg that I’m not going to get in to because it’s a really long story.
So another one of Mo’s friends was a dood named Donatello. We’ll call him Don.
So Don likah tah play wif dah clay.
Well it was probably stone, but whatever.
Don was a sculptor, and like Phil, he liked to study Greek stuffz for his inspiration. In fact, he went to Rome with his good buddy Phil. And Don was a really really good sculptor.
So Don left Rome and went back to Florence. His work spread, and he has a lot of good statues.
Some of you might know Donatello, though to most of you, he's a turtle.
We need to take a break real quick from Mo’s friends.
Mo influenced a lot of people about humanism stuffz. However, artists were slow with this stuff. There wasn’t a whole lot of Humanism stuffz in their art. Why? Because the church bought a lot of art. And they wanted nice, religious stuffz in their art. So if the artists were Christian, Humanist, or whatever, their work was mostly religious because the Church was paying them.
Ok. So. There were two artists. One was a Monk, and one was a Monk. One was painting sincerely, and the other was just doing it because he was getting paid.
Fra Angelico was the sincere one, and a friend of Mo. Fra was a nice guy. He was gentle and nice and kind and all that jayazz. His work is nice and inspiring, and even though he was invited to live the life of an Arch-Bishop, he decided to continue to live as a Dominican Monk. And Fra made a few paintings for out good buddy Mo.
Something odd about him was that he was still considered a Medieval artist, not a Rennisancian artist. Derp.
So now there’s... The other guy. Fra Philippo Lippi. ...
Ok, ok, sorry.
He was hardly the angle that Fra A. was. Now, Fra P. was a good artist and all, but he had a bad reputation for... mingling with the nuns. He even had... A GIRLFRIEND. *gasp*
So he was asked to leave the monastery. He still got to keep his monk title though.
And this one time Mo LOCKED FRA P. UP IN A CELL TO MAKE HIM FINISH HIS PAINTING. So he decided to tie his bed sheets together and escape.
So Soon, Mo died. He was a peaceful guy in his last few years. He was appreciated for all he did for Italy, and everyone grieved over him. He died peacefully, and is honored as the father of the Italian Renaissance.
There's a link up top. No, not the titles. When y'all comment (because I know you will), click the title again. Listen to the beeeutifuhl music from the History Lady, whose name I forgot again :c

Monday, October 24, 2011

So. Many. Henrys. =.=

Roses are not known to have great battles. But mother said our lesson is about the War of the Roses.

So it turns out that the War of the Roses was a battle between two families in England. These families were called houses.
So for 30 years, the House of Landcaster and the House of York fought. What did they fight over?
Who got to rule England!
So what’s this got to do with roses? Well, the color of the roses for the York family crest was White, where as the house of Landcaster had red roses.
Let’s review a little history of England!
So for a really tiny island, they have a pretty interesting history. We got Stonehenge. We got the Celts. We got Julius Caesar in ur England givin u Romans. And then the Roman Empire fell. So what happened to England after that? Well, the Celts were there, but they didn’t have the Romans to protect them. So the Angles, Saxons, and Jutes decided to get in on the action.
So these were the legendary days when King Arthur and his nights went around, killing dragons and saving princesses!
And suddenly vikings.
So The king of England decided to tell the vikings about Christ! And for the most part, that worked.
That’s why he has “The Great” before his name.
And William the Conqueror was all “HAY GUYS IT’S 1066 LET’S HAVE A BATTLE~!” So William won said battle and crowned himself king of England.
So a buncha French men moved in, and they brought the Feudal system with them.
So in came the middle ages.
And then the Hundred Years War.
And then the rats came wit the black death.
So, the Landcasters are ruling England. There are three kings named Henry. Henry the 4th, the 5th, and the 6th. We’re just gonna call them 1, 2, and 3. 3 had the problems that led to the awar of the Roses. Shame shame. *tsk tsk tsk*
He was weak and, well, pschyo. He showed signs of insanity, and probably suffered from catatonic schizophrenia. Which means he would go on for days at a time in a coma-like state, would snap back to reality, and would then go mad and throw screaming fits. Yaaay.
So the house of York had wanted to take over for YEARS. And they had their opprotunity. So they went and took over. They won a battle, but they didn’t make their guy the king, because the genius parliament decided to keep the mentally ill king in his position. So the Duke of York was made Lord Protector. Even though he was not king, he w as like the vice-king.
So this arrangement might have gone on, had it not been for the Queen. She was worried about her son. She was worried he wouldn’t inherit the throne, with the Duke of York having so much power and all. So she sent the army on the Duke of York.
And at the battle of Wakefield, she got what she wanted. Mr. Duke was slain in combat. So, in respect for the dead, she had his head mounted on the gates of York to rot in public in front of the townspeople.
Well, the Queen’s message was not as clear as she had hoped. Parliament decided to make the son of the duke of York to be the next king of England.

And his name was Edward.
Now Henry wasn’t dead, he was just... Locked up in the tower of London. The Queen got out of the country, and after a few bloody battles, the house of Lancaster was out of the picture.
But this isn’t the end of the story~!
Edward IV was the king. Everyone The House of York LOVED Edward. However, there was a guy who we’re gonna call Earl. He was the Earl of Warwick, but that’s cumbersome to type. So Earl.
He wanted Henry to be king again.
So Earl decided to break 3 out of the Tower of London. So he did. Henry 3 (or VI.) was out of the Tower of London, and Earl was waiting for his promotion to High Protector or something important like that.
And Edward was worried.
So after two battles, Earl was died, and Edward won. He claimed the throne again, and to prevent Henry from being king, he threw him up in the Tower of London and had him executed. Henry’s wife returned from Ireland, and she was thrown in prison.

Ok. So. House of Lancaster and House of York. Well the House of York...
They had their own battles. With themselves.
In the house of York, there was some sibling rivalry goin’ on. Edward’s two sons and his brother were all fighting over who got the throne. His oldest son got the title, who was 12 at the time.
Well, their uncle did not like that. So what’s the logical thing to do here?
You know, after all this use, I want to know what it looks like. Here is a picture:

Oooh. It’s kinda castleyyy~!
Back to Business.
So, some people speculate that their uncle was doing this out of the kindness of his heart. You know, to protect the boys from the intense politics and all that.
I don’t think that’s right.
The true fate of the boys is still a mystery.
To trouble things further, a few years later, a young man came up and said that he was one of the escaped king. Nobody believed him.
So the House of Lancaster was just kinda watching over here. And they. Were. Terrified. So they made a plan.
So Henry Tutor, or just Henry, stepped in to the picture. He used force against the king. And the king, Richard, had a chance of winning. Until one of his lords switched sides.

So Richard died. And the house of York was gone.
He married a woman within the house of York.
He had hoped to make amends between the two houses. And it worked.
The house of Tutor was formed, and the house of Lancaster and York were dropped. They were now ALL the house of Tutor. Then Henry did something else.
He made bodyguards~!
I can't find a good picture of one because Google images is being a monkey :c
I love those guys.
So, you know ANOTHER thing that he did?
He made on their crest... A two colored rose.
Theee eeennnddd~

Thursday, October 20, 2011


So some of you people have seen the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean. I mean, you know, it was ok, but this isn’t a movie review blargh. But you know how they went off the edge of the world? Like this:

Well, some people legit believed that back then. (They still do today. The Flat Earth Society. 4srs.) They thought that there were big scary sea monsters and stuff if you went too far this or that way.

But so these peeps were right next door to Spain. They were in Portugal, and they were some explorers.
So you can really appreciate this, you need to know what happened to other explorers. People had tried to go from Portugal ALL THE WAY down the coast of Africa, around it, and head over to India. 14 trips had been attempted, but, well....


But more likely:

Yeah. They were getting kinda close to the equator, and they weren’t used to really hot weather. So they started SPAZZIN!!1! and freaking out and they thought the sun was going to boil them.
So why did they want to go to Africa and India anyway?
Well, they wanted a new trade route. BECAUSE SUDDENLY TURKS.

The Turks cut off trade routes to the East. Which means no moar silk. No moar spices. NO MOAR GEMS.
And spices were important. They didn’t have ‘fridgerators, so they spiced the meat to make it like beef jerky. Pepper was one of those more valued spices. In fact, it was almost as valuable as gold. Derp.
So the Portugal's also wanted to share the gospel with the Asians. More specifically, Prince Henry the Navigator, son of the King of Portugal, wanted to do that. DOOD, THESE GUYS ARE ORIGINAL WITH THEIR NAMES. Hmm.
Henry was a super legit Christian. He wanted to convert Muslims, he was in a cool religious group, they didn’t take slaves (like a buncha other traders), and they wanted to stop the spread of Islam.
Well they sound like some nice people.
Henry wanted to travel to preach the gospel, so he joined up with some Astronomers, Shipbuilders, Map Makers, and a buncha peeps.
They were trying to find a ~mysteriousss~ Christian king named Prester John. John supposedly owned kingdoms in India or Africa. A letter was received that pretty much said “OGURL I BE GETTIN TAKEN OVAR BY BARBARIANS.”
So I’m thinking dood probably didn’t really exist. Some kid probably wrote it up and dropped it in the mailbox to see where it’d end up. And then it spread through ALL OF EUROPE and everyone was looking for Prester John.
So there was another guy named Bartolomeu Dias... We’ll call him Bart.
So Bart was asked by King John II of Portugal to sail around Africa. The king paid for the ALL EXPENSE PAID VACATION~! He got three of the finest ships in Portugal, and sent Bart off.
So he got farther south than anyone had before. He and his men kept moving. Well, guess what?
So a really bad storm came. For two whole weeks.
After the storm was over, Bart still wanted to go for it.
He wanted to go up the east coast of Africa, but his men weren’t to hip on the idea.
Bart, sadly, gave in, and he went back to Portugal. This time, he maneuvered his ships close enough to the shore to see it. lulz.
So another explorer wanted to go around Africa. By this time, Portugal had another king. He was a good one, and gave the explorer, named De Gama, a few ships to sail him off.
So he brought a crew with him, and in that crew was Bart. Bart decided to come along, which was pretty cool. However, he ditched the guys about halfway there. ~And nobody knows why~
So the guys made it without any boiling water, end of the worlds, or sea monsters.
So they were pretty much kicked out of India because it was taken over by Muslims, and nobody wanted them there.

So they went back to Portugal, and everyone treated them like heroes.
Later, they went back to India, and they pretty much BROKE IN TO INDIA. They sank a Muslim ship that held THREE HUNDRED PILGRIMS GOING TO MECCA, and at that, India opened their trade routes.
So what about Bart?
Oh. Yeah. He drowned.
As for De Gama, he died in India. He was kinda an ambassador.
That was... Anti-climatic.

Monday, October 17, 2011


list goes on.
So we’re going to add another to the list~!
Originally, he was named Ivan III.
He was born in Russia, but it wasn’t exactly a country yet. The Mongols were ruling Russia.

They were the Tatar Mongols.

They were feared. At the time, Batu Khan ruled over the Golden Hoard tribe. And thought the Russians were ruled by the Tatar Mongols, they had a prince. And his name was Ivan.
And he was not impressed with the Golden Hoard. He couldn’t care less. I mean, he was a Russian Prince. He didn’t really care. But he wanted to free Russia. Someone, someday, was going to revolt anyways.
So being that Ivan is called Ivan the Great, you might have figured out that he decided to get the revolt over with. The Mongols had been in Russia for over 240 years, so it was about time Russia got control again.
So Then Ivan freed Russia and everyone was happy the end~!
OK. Wait. Back up.
Back before Ivan freed Russia, something happened. He gained power. How does one go about doing that?
Do you think he just went out and picked up a lady?
He married a VERY important person. Her name was Sophia, and she was the niece of the last Byzantine Emperor.
So The Byzantine Empire. Middle Ages. The Byzantine Empire was actually the Easter Roman Empire, but that was cumbersome to write. So they called it the Byzantine Empire.
And the Byzantine Empire had a church. It was the Eastern Orthodox Church, and the western had the Holy Roman Church. Ok. So even though the Eastern Orthodox Church was different, it blended Church and State, just like the Holy Roman Church.

So when the Byzantine Empire collapsed, Sophia was the last person in the whole entire Royal Byzantine line.

Ok. So Sophia had the remaining power of the Byzantine Empire and the power of the Eastern Orthodox Church.
So when Ivan got married, he got allathat power.

So Ivan appointed himself as the Protecter. Oooh... That sounds cool. Like a wrestling name or something. AND THEN THAT SONG IS LAYING IN THE BACKGROUND AND THE GUY GOES, “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... THE PROTECTOR!” and then he comes out and-
So we don’t know if he was a legit follower of Christ, but he took his position 4srs. He was like a crusader, because Mongols were Muslims, and he fought them off. He had a dream for a free Russia, and that’s what happened.
Sooo with Ivan married to Sophia, it was kinda like they were the eastern Roman Empire... In fact, that’s what Ivan thought.

Russia was pretty proud. It was like a new Rome. A Rome that had been brought back from the dead. A ZOMBIE ROME.
Ivan was successful in leading Zombierome. He refused to pay tribute to the Golden Hoard. Sophia agreed with him on the bold move.
So Ivan decided to call himself ruler of All Zombierome, and not just the little bit that he was ruling. He moved the capital to Moscow, and he had a bunch of buildings rebuilt. He actually brought in Italian architects to rebuild the Kremlin. Which was funny, because they were bringing back the Roman style.
Ivan dressed like a Byzantine emperor. He used the Byzantine Seal, which is a two headed eagle holding a sword and the Holy Hand Grenade. Oh, don’t believe me? You believed me about the Eagle on the blooming cactus eating a snake! Ok, well, here’s a picture of the seal:

Hold on.

Ok. But so.
Do you think everything was all peachy in Zombierome? Yeah! Totaly! Everything was aweso-
Ivan got kinda brainpowerhungry. He deiced that he’d ditch his government pals and just used his own ideas.
So he lessened the power of nobility because he decided it’d be a good idea to make a new class of land-owners. He gave land and power to his Armydoods. He decided to use the ABSOLUTELY PERFECT feudal system. He tweaked it a bit though. It became kinda like slavery, because they started trading their serfs. It wasn’t until 1861 that it ended. /lesob
And the serf class wasn’t little tiny. No. It was GIANORMOUS. They were entering the Dark Ages, unlike the rest of Europe. Well, Ivan wasn’t that horrible, and he wasn’t that great. He just kinda was. He was in the middle.
So even though we’re done with Ivan, we are NOT done with Russia. Soon, we will learn about his Grandon, whose nickname was not as lovely.

Monday, October 10, 2011


Ok. So. Everyone knows who Christopher Columbus is.
But he isn’t what this lesson is about.
What was the Spanish Inquisition? It was a court for ratting out Heretics. Gee, haven’t heard that one before.
So the Spanish Inquisition was not a fun place.
At this time in history, Spain was not all nice and unified. It was kinda like Italy, but it was different. If that makes sense. It had royal family rules instead of rich peeps.
Well Ferdinand was prince of Aragon, and Isabella was princess of Castile. Isabella went to church and was good and went on Sunday morning and nights and Wednesday night and al that jayazz.
SO FERDINAND AND ISABELLA GOT MARRIED. Now it was political and arranged and all, but it was still sweet. They really loved each other, and it was good and nice and sweet.
Aragon and Castile were already the largest kingdoms in Spain. Now they were, together, LIKE A MEGA ULTRA KINGDOM THING. Spain was in it’s golden age anyhoos, so Arstile was amazing.
That sounds good.
But so Spain is great. It has scholars and painters and all that. Woop woop.
Which means all the Christians drove the Mooselums down to the south of Spain

So Ferdinand and Isabella were raising money to fight them. However, they were getting a little extreme. They drove out anyone who opposed Christianity, which was not just Mooselums.
So that’s what started the Spanish Inquisition.
So it wasn’t really a thing, it was... Uh... A... Thing. A process, if you will.
The inquisition was how they drove the people out.
What they did was put people on trial. They would have to prove their guilt or innocence with crimes against the church. The idea goes wayyy back, but still.
The system was modeled after a court that the Dominicans used. They carried banners that said “Mercy” and “Justice”. They got a little carried away with the Justice bit though. They used. Very. Harsh. Measures.
As did Ferdinand and Isabella. They put their court in the hands of Tomas De Torquemada. We’ll name him Tom. He was Isabella’s childhood priest and a Dominican Friar who thought there wasn’t a thing wrong with the court system.
Oh! Also!
He thought there was nothing wrong with torturing people to make them confess their sins against the church.
So you’re pretty much gonna die either way.
On his behalf though, someone said that he thought he was saving people from eternal punishment by punishing them on earth.

So there were a lotta Jews in Spain. These Jews had a few choices when it came to faith: Convert to Islam and die. Convert to Christianity and live. Don’t convert and die.
So a lot of them decided that they’d convert to Christianity. Well, some didn’t convert fo realz, and they just practiced Judaism underground. Most of them were arrested, put on trial, and put to death, but others went on about their way.
Soon, Ferdinand and Isabella made Persecution even worse. They signed what is called the Edict of Expulsion. Expulsion does not sound like a fun word, does it? No. No it does not. Explusion means to be expelled. The Jews had 3 months to Leave Spain or be baptized.
So a lot of people decided to leave. As in, 800,000 people. Now I don’t know how many people were in ancient Spain, but when 800,000 people up and leave, that effects a country. All of these people took their businesses, left a ton of jobs, they spent some money to get out of the country, and Spain was hurt really bad.
So despite all of this, Ferdinand and Isabella were pretty great people. They sponsored Christopher Columbus, they were great rulers, and they had some pretty good ideas about the futtturee~!
So uhm.
The end~!