Ha ha yeah no. BUT HANG ON.
France. Catherine de Medici was like “LET’S HAVE A WEDDING” but then Jeanne died and everyone got sad but that’s ok kinda, because then there was a wedding which made everyone happy again.
BUT.
The groom was protestant, and the bride was Catholic. Which means there’s gonna be a big giant mess. And the Groom, Jeanne’s son, was like “yeah mom i’ll help you with alla that Protestant stuff yeah.” And he meant it. But, well, it was kinda hard to do that.
AND WHY?
BECAUSE PEOPLE ENJOYED BLOODY WARS.
18 attacks on Protestants, 5 on Catholics, and at least 30 assassinations. IN JUST TEN YEARS. And Charles IX was all up in the buzznuzz too and was like “IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE TAKE THESE” and he gave them four towns. Even though he was Catholic?
Anyways.
So Catherine wasn’t really as much of a problem as anyone thoughts, because she was a lot more humanistic than she was Catholic. Now she didn’t really help the Protestant’s either, but she was just kinda herpderp. But she was really really powerhungry. And she assassinated a little LOT OF PEOPLE.
BAI THUH WAI. THIS IS A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE OF MACHIAVELLIAN TENDENCIES YEW GUIZ.
and sadistic tendencies but that doesnt really matter because it’s a little obvious.
SO THE ROYAL WEDDING.
It was really awkward. Everyone was all smiley but on the inside everyone was FREAKING THE MONKEY OUT because they knew the marriage would probably start of ANOTHER MONKEYING WAR.
Anyway.
So this priest was kinda scared because he thought that Henry would be the French King soon and he would start protestants and oh man no. So he went up to Catherine and was like “YOU KNOW HE’S GONNA JACK YOUR THRONE.” and she was like “o noez.” So she was like “LET’S PLOT US SOME MURDERS” and then they did and had a nice time.
The victim was a protestant Admiral named Coligney and he was really big and she knew that’d help Henry be the not French King.
And then it failed.
SO MUCH FAIL.
And everyone knew that Catherine tried to do it, and she started panicking so she just kinda executed Coligney AND ALL THE PROTESTANT LEADERS IN PARIS.
That just kinda happened to line up with Saint Bartholomew’s Day and everyone was like “herpderp” and it was called a Massacre. Because it kinda was. They just shot everyone.
Which is really sad and sorta derpy because earlier Charles was like “If you were gonna try to kill Coligney y u no just kill everyone” but it was kinda joking.
But then Catholic was like “SORRY I ACCIDENTALLY ALL THE LEADERS.”
And Charles got to watch the whole thing yayy.
Eventually, an angry riotmobthing started going after EVERYONE and killing them and basically it was really really bad. And then it spread from Paris out and it went on for days and weeks and blah.
And what had started as a screwed up murder everyone just started getting murdered. And now Catherine was like OH MAN OH GOSH WHAT AM I GONNA DOOOO~ and she lied and she was like “NO I DUDN’T WANNA KILL HIM CAUSE PROTESTANT I WANTED TO CAUSE UHH LIES.”
Which was an obvious lie and nobody believed her.
And she basically singlehandedly ruined France by not murdering someone well enough. The Civil War went on for another Civil War. And then Charles died and Henry became king and then Catherine died and death and sadness and herpderpfails. And then Henry got assassinated AND THEN IT WAS FINALLY THAT OTHER HENRY’S TURN.
The groom from the wedding? Yeah.
HENRY IV. Even though there have been like a hundredthousandbillionzilliongajilion other Henrys. Anyway! There was a big giant mess for Henry to clean up, anddd he decided to say “SORRY MUMSIE~” and he was Catholic. He made the Edicts of Nantes which was basically “PROTESTANTS ARE COOL YEW GUIZ.” but that didn’t really keep them safe.
Awh.
BUT SOW.
These guiz were basically your greatgreatgreatgreat or however old grandfather. Because the Pilgrims were the descendants of the French Protestants.
OBAITHUHWAY I forgot to say the official name for the French Protestants is “Huguenot.” But I just realized I never put that in here and herpderpmonkeyfails.
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