Monday, March 28, 2011

Aladdin's party unce unce unce unce

ARAAAABIANNN NNIIIGHHTSSS, LIKE ARAAABBBBIAN DAYYYYYS... Ohmygoodnezz maybe we can watch Aladdin for extracurricular stuffz :D
Ok, so Arabia is pretty cool, yeah? So in 750 there was this family called the Abased dynasty. They moved the main city to Bhagdad, which is in Iraq. There was this one guy named Harun al-Rshaid and he was pretty cool. He was #5 in the kingy line-up.
Ok so you’re probably mad that I didn’t write a bunch. Sue me. There isn’t a bunch about Arabia. It’s boring e’cept for Aladdin.

(Click on the title. Please. I beg you. Click it, and then when it takes you to this individual post, click it again. If you get it, I will love you forever. Maybe. Friendship is Magic, so is TARDIS.)

Thursday, March 24, 2011


The grandson of a HAMMAR :D
Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless, little flea, and then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives I WILL SMASH IT WITH MAH HAMMAR }:DDD
Er, Charles Martel’s grandson. Same thing. So Charles' son Pepin the Short (Pippin the Hobbit. Coincidence? I THINK NOT! So here be the story. We’re gonna talk ‘bout Pepin first ‘dough.
Pepin was not officially king. But he did all the stuff. They called him the mayor, but he had all the power and respect. So he went to Mr. P-to-da-ope and talked to him and Mr. P-to-da-ope crowned him in 751. EPIC WIN!
So Pepin started the line of the Carolingians. Not Christmas Caroling, the Carolingians. But Pepin gave Mr. P-to-da-ope a buncha land, called the Papal states. Reallll important here because it was kinda like a church-country. I’mma call it Churchtopia. Epic win!
Soooo Charlemagne inherited Pepin’s kingdom when he died. Someone told me Charley was good lookin’. I hope he was. He was real tall and he had blond hair. Good ‘nuff for me, yeah? He was said to be a reallll awesome ruler. But apparently he didn’t learn to read or write for a while. And that isn’t cool. But soon he learned it and really liked it so he made a new alphabet and they liked it. He made himself a student at his own palace. He really liked school, yeah? Yeah.
So Byzantine was right over thar next to France/Germany. So Charley proposed to the queen for political reasons. But she turned him down. I don’t know why though, he was supposed to be good looking... Epic fail!
But Charley was ruthless when it came to Christianity. He killed anybody who wasn’t a Christian. He was really strict with all those rules. It wasn’t good. No no no, not at all. But he didn’t even follow some of the rules himself .-. He had FOUR wives, a buncha girlfriends and maids, most of which had some of his kids. Epic fail!
Charley died later at the age of 72, and the kingdom was divided between 3 of his sons. Then afterwaaaards by 29 years his grandsons got three bits of it.
And if you're ever on Jeopardy like me, it was at the Treaty of Verden.
Ok so I don’t know how to end this so I will leave you with a picture of... erm... THIS:


An Explanation: the Sequel :D

*Woah! That was not what you expected at all! Where'd all the chat speak come from? The Disney and Monty Python references? HOW DID THE GIRL IN THE MONOCLE SAY THAT TO LOOK LIKE... THAT!*
*The familiar girl walks out on stage, in the same attire as she was all those Mondays before. Again, the stage was clear except for a lone microphone and a single stool in the back of the stage, but it was just barely visible, as it was all those Mondays before. But what was not like all those Mondays ago, was the audience. The theater was much more crowded, and the crowd looked much more enthusiastic and knew exactly where they had come from and what they were here for.*
*And as the girl walked out on stage, the audience had a clear mix of groans and enthusiastic cheers. As she reached the microphone, she tipped her black top hat and then threw it out to the crowd. Removing her monocle, she began to speak:*
"Hello, again, my friends!"
*Frantic cheering and a soft giggle from the girl*
"I trust you have enjoyed the past Mondays, yes?"
"Well, what would you say if Modern Geek's was going to open on Thursdays AND Mondays?"
*Much louder cheering and an odd person screaming "I LOVE YOU!" erupted.*
"Well then, sit tight, direct the attention to the screen in front of your chair, and read!"
*The girl walks to the back of the stage, again whips out a small laptop from her jacket, and sits down on the stool. She begins typing away, laughing maniacally and rubbing her eyes.*
*You direct your attention to what you assumed to be a screen, which was certainly there, it was just that you hadn't seen it there before. You had read from it, but it was sort of a subconscious thing to where it appeared the girl to be talking, but it was not in fact the girl talking, but it was you reading the screen while she was talking which made it into her voice. It was all quite weird, and somewhat maddening, but it was entertaining. Leaning back into the velvet seat, you keep you eyes on the screen and wait for the next story to pop up.*

Monday, March 21, 2011


So Some people started persecuting themselves. Not suicide, but the Christians started fighting themselves. So sad, amirite? D:
Before Christianity came to Europe, people worshiped idols. OH GREAT TREE! So fail, amirite? D:
The Ten Commandments says not to worship anything besides God or but them before him. But despite that, people still did that. ESPECIALLY the Greeks and Romans. So bad, amirite? D:
So the Pagan beliefs were challenged. The new believers stopped worshiping idols. So some people decided maybe it wasn’t good if they should have like crosses and statues and stuff in the church. So wrong, amirite? D:
In some churches it got reaaalll messy. Sursly though. People were actually destroying the icons. Not good. Why? Because people would actually worship the idols. That ain’t coo’ though. People would carry little trinkets like god luck charms. So superstitious, amirite? D:
Common people didn’t really get the difference between their stuff and the Greek stuff. So stupid, amirite? D:
There was Leo III and he thought that all this stuff was fail. So he said that nobody was allowed to have any idols or paintings in the churches. Except for Crosses. So win, amirite?
Rioting broke out among monks. Dood, they really likes paintings. Leo had the ships destroyed and the guys imprisoned. Everybody was fighting. So evil, amirite? D:
So everybody went back to their old ways. But then Constantine, Leo’s son, decided to pick up where his daddy left off. But he was so ruthless and he killed a buncha people and tortured people and bad stuff. So painful, amirite? D:
But when Constantine died, his son took the throne at an early age and his mommy really was the ruler. During her reign she smoothed it all over and she fixed it all. So cool, amirite? :D
So then the guy got old enough to help rule. He banished her mom though. Fail. Then she imprisoned her son. Win! She ruled for five years. People LOVED her. The Army didn’t tho. So her son came back and exiled her for good. But then the Renaissance came. So epic epic epic win, amirite? :D
But I’m hungry nao. So I’mma go. So baibai, amirite? :D

Monday, March 14, 2011

St. Boniface

So when he was a bitty boy, he wanted to be a Monk. So when he got older, there he was a missionary. So it was funny because the dood he was preachin' to was named Radbod. I hope he had a rad bod. But whatevs. Radbod didn’t want to be a Christian.
So Winfred went somewhere else and he saw some guys hangin’ out at this big oak tree and they were worshiping it. Epic fail. He said that he was gonna win over them. And he saw some pagans about to sacrifice a prince at the tree. So Winfred saw them and he saved the boy and he cut down the big big big tree.
So the pagans were like “whatisthisidonteven” so Winfred went over to a little tree and said “THIS TREE IS LIKE GOD BECAUSE IT’S EPIC AND ALWAYS GREEN.” and then we went and got the wood from the oak tree to build a church. Buuurrnnn :D
So Winfred played a game to explain God. And he did a buncha good stuff. So he went back somewhere in 723 and a monk named him Boniface. I bet he liked having a guy name.
So he wanted to be an archbishop. He was already a bishop I think, and for 30 years Boniface teached the Germans about Christianity and stuff. Clapclapclapclap.
So his last mission when he was an old geezer was to go back to his hometown. About 50 other monks and nuns went with him.
So on June 5th he was in a river and they got attacked. He didn’t fight back because he was good. And Boniface died. I’m gonna go cry now because it is so sad D: Baibaibai!

Friday, March 11, 2011

G-u-a-c-a-m-o-l-e, Guacamole!

So medieval Spain was pretty laid back n stuff. Everyone was all cool ‘bout everybody else and their stuff. Kinda like turtles. They were all chill and just hangin’ out. Like, “Hey, I got a buncha stuff to do, and I’mma do it, but I’m gonna take my time to do it. Cuz I’m chill.” Not like Kanye West. Kanye West was all “I’MMA LET YOU FINISH BUT I HATE THIS CHICK HEAR.”
Now I know nobody cares about Kanye West anymore. I don’t care. I do kinda, actually. It doesn't matter. I'm acting like Kanye West now. But yeah. Back to the story.
So yeah.
Spain was a peninsula. It was surrounded by three sides by water. Kinda like Florida. Except not as cool. Spain is at the entrance to the Mediterranean Sea. Like I’m talkin’ the sea that looks like the duck.
Not a Witch. A duck. A duck is a witch and a witch is a duck, and they weigh the same and a which weighs the same as a duck. But this looks like a duck. Ok? Ok. Got it? Good.
Spain is also best frands with France (not really, France hates everybody except themselves.) so they live right next to ‘em. It’s also buds with Africa, but it’s right across the pond
Now I know that “Across the pond” is commonly used for USA and England, but oh well. I used it. Stinks for you, get over it.
from Africa. The first settlers in Spain were the Phoenicians. They made dye with snails. Elch. It stunk there pretty bad too. But it was a rully purdy purple. They also made blown glass and pots. Woo!
The Romans, being Romans, conquered Spain first. Win. The Romans called it Hispania, which means Spanish. Ha ha ha, win. Anyways, The barbarians came around and said “Hay guys, you stink
When they said “You stink” They were not referring to the snails. They said they were fail.
so we’re takin’ over.”
The Muslims invaded Spain in 711. They got Spain under control, and so when Mo (‘member him?) died his religion spread all around, including north Africa. When Tariq the commander was up dar, he sailed to Spain and took Islam stuffz with him. There was a big rock and he claimed it for himself. It still has his name on it. Win. So after he hung out there, everybody else came with him and hung out in Spain for 800 years.
There was a prince named Abid Al Ramen. No lie. So he wanted to be the ruler of the whole empire, but some people didn’t like that idea. So a bad guy killed a buncha people and took over. So Al swam around and went to Northwest Africa. He was smart and a lotta people liked him. So he was a really good king there. He had good taxes and polices and road and stuff. It was epic mannn. Everybody was rich and good and they had donkeys and water. An there were a buncha books and a lotta people got smart.
There were a buncha people, Muslims, Jews, AND Christians were there. That’s what made them like turtles, being so chill with each other.
Ok, so after we had the turtles and chillness and good stuff, there were some bad things that started happinin. There were some problems. So Muslims and Jews and Christians were all coo’ with each other, but something started a happinin’. There was freedom, but if they started talking against Mohammad or Allah, they had a killin’ coming to ‘em.
Ok so this is realy anti-climatic but I don’t know what else to put here. So the end.

Thursday, March 10, 2011


Kay so this dude named Mohammad had a funny name. Poor guy. But his dad or uncle or whoever was called a sheep or something.
(Sheik is actually what it’s called. But I call it a sheep because it’s funny and I don’t think I’m spelling it right.)
Like a king. Cool huh? Mohammad took care of sheep. Not the prince kind either. The animals.
Mohammad hung out with traders and learned stories about God. In India people liked a bunch’a gods, so Mohammad liked the new idea. There was a black temple called the Kaaba. People would hang out there and worship all the 360 dudes and stuff. Epic place in their religion. It’s funny lookin’.
Kay so when Mohammad turned 20 he started helping this chick with her chores. Then they got married. And they were happy and had 3 kids. But two died. Duh duh duuun.
When Mo (I’mma call him Mo because I don’t want to spell his name) was like 40, he had a mid-age crisis and thought he found a genie. I hope he was a blue genie. But then he thought the genie was Gabriel the angel. ‘Parently God was named Allah#. Allah Tallah over here in the Indian religion was god of the universe. lolz. Allah Tallah. Fun to say.
Mohammad didn’t write down anything Gabriel said because he couldn’t write. Poor guy. But when he died some people wrote it down for him in a funny-named book called the Koran. Or Qoran. Ha. Without a u.
So Mo told his wife who liked it and started worshipin’ Allah. And then he told a bunch’a other people around his house. One of their names is Aboo. I only remember that because Aboo is in Aladdin and I LOVE Aladdin.
Aladdin is placed in Arabia. ARABBBBIAAANN NNIIIIGHTTSS!
(Arabian Nights, the book, actually starts off “Once there was a Chinese boy named Aladdin.” I thought Aladdin was Arabian. I was wrong. So was Disney.)
Sorry. Aladdin has a magic carpet. I want one. Aboo is a monkey in the movie. In real life he is a man. Aboo the man got 6 dudes to follow Allah.
So Enough on Aladdin. This is about Mo. Mo started teaching Allah’s stuff and people didn’t like him too much. The leaders offered Mo money to see a doctor. Ha. Fail. The leaders tortured the poor followers. Mo’s friend Aboo (Not the monkey) helped hide the followers. But they got separated from their families.
Mo tried moving. But he was stoned. Then he went home and married two wives. Hurr. So apparently he was taken from his sleep by a Pegasus to Jerusalem.
You heard me. Pegasus. As in AHMAGASHPWNIES. Flying horsey. I hope his Pegasus was pink with chocolate wings and licorice hair.
Then he apparently went home on the same horsey. Maybe he should have taken the leaders’ money and seen a doctor.
So people started getting reallll mad at Mo. Then they tried to kill him. So he went to a town called Madena. When he did that he called it called Hegira. That sounds kinda like v... nevermind. Hegira means flight. Real original.
But in Madena it was all just fine. He worked hard (Or hardly workin’ amirite :D) and was a simple man. He had several wives and all that good stuffz. His followers were told that if they died for him they’d receive paradise. Epic fail.
He made a peace treaty with his home-town Mecca. But he broke it after two years in 630. It’s called a jihad. Funny word :) But so he won and Mecca was under Mo’s rule. But o the Jews started getting scared. They didn’t like this cheese. They started becoming enemies of the Arab leaders, and when giving the choice of converting to Islam or death, at least 600 people died. Awh D:
So Mo’s last days were sad like dat. He was Sir. Physcopath. Nobody liked that. But in his late 50s he started to show humanism. He listened to his teachings of his friend Aboo (The man. Not the monkey. Monkeys can’t talk. It’d be cool if they could though. They’d probably talk a bunch about bananas.)
(If monkeys could talk, I think they’d talk about how they hope they don’t go to a zoo. The monkeys in a zoo probably talk about all the funny looking things that looked at them and about how they are much more intelligent than their captors.)
He died at age 62. The Islam faith was officially started in 622. Coincidence? I think not!


Thursday, March 3, 2011

An Explanation.

*A girl in a tuxedo and monocle walk on stage. The room is crowded, with plush velvet theater-style seats that aren't comfortable, but not too hard. The girl walks across the stage to the microphone siting all alone in the front and center. She straightens her tie, removes her monocle (no matter how cool it is.) and says loudly "Hello!" and causes the microphone to squeak violently. Jumping back, she fixes the microphone, straightens her tie again, and says more quietly the following.*
Hello, people of the internet! Welcome to my corner of this giant web of insanity. Now don't you think that my corner is no less insane. Well, it's not too bad, I've definitely seen worse. But anyways, you're here. The title and background tell you something, yeah? Yeah. This is going to be educational.
No no, don't worry! This is going to be fun. This is my take on history, so I will assure you it will be interesting. All of it is going to be accurate, but it will be, well... worded differently. A different take on history, if you will. But if you don't share my sense of humor, well, you might not find it as funny.
*more groaning*
Oh, don't worry. Not my dry and sarcastic humor. That doesn't do so well here. Internet humor, along with many references to things that might not be as historical. Disney's Aladdin, The Emperor's New Groove, Monty Python, Douglas Adams, you name it.
*clapping, the mood begins to lighten.*
So please, come one, come all, and hear my tales of the olden days! When the internet didn't exist, people weren't too lame and boring after all. Well, they aren't lame and boring after we add our side of the story. So come back here every Monday evening for tale of insanity, randomness, internet humor, and cupcakes.
*The girl walks to the back of the stage, replaces her monocle, and whips a book and a netbook out of her jacket flaps. She flips open the netbook and begins surfing the web. Confused, people begin to leave the theater. You assume you should do the same. So standing from the theater style seat, you leave through the glass doors and take one last look at the girl, who had switched to her book. You think you'l come back, just to see what's in store.*