Thursday, August 30, 2012
Just. Just. Just do me a favour and say that out loud. Because it sounds great ok.
A lot more ships and stuff were sent over than the Mayflower and this Waymouth guy came and captured some Indians. 5 of them. And one of them was Squanto~!
bet you didn’t see that coming right
uh so ANYWAY THIS WAYMOUTH GUY GAVE HIS INDIANS OVER TO ENGLAND.
and they were used as like mascots ok. and they were probably treated actually pretty well???? And they even got to leave after a little bit. Except for Squanto and this other guy.
THEN HE MET JOHN SMITH.
that just so happened to me the same time pocahontas was getting married ahahaaha what no that is not funny one bit
SO JOHN LEFT ENGLAND AND TOOK SQUANTO WITH HIM AND SAID HE’D GIVE HIM BACK TO HIS TRIBE.
But John wasn’t really the most reliable guy right. So Squanto chilled with John for. A. Really long time. But he did get to go back to his tribe!
after the entire tribe was lured onto the ship though whoops
And basically there was this other guy that wasn’t John. He took them to Spain and was pretty much really mean to them, and was going to sell them into slavery.
THEN THEY MET SOME MONKS.
and you know what monks do.
THEY TAUGHT SQUANTO ABOUT JESUS YAY
and then Squanto met this guy who took him to London. Which was cool, because he knew England pretty well. And then he was asked to sail with some guys BACK TO AMERICA. And he said yes.
and then the captain of the ship recognized squanto lol whoops?????
AND HE WAS TOLD TO BRING SQUANTO BACK TO ENGLAND.
So one more time he was going to go back to America. And they were going to scout around Plymouth, which. You know. Just so happened to be where he used to live.
He showed up and THERE WAS NOBODY THERE BECAUSE THEY ALL DIED.
BUT THERE WAS THIS OTHER GUY NAMED SAMOSET THAT CAME ALONG LIKE “SQUANTO COME WITH ME”
and he did
So for a year he just chilled with these Indians for a little. And then he met the Pilgrims. And he didn’t really leave them.
AND HE TAUGHT THEM A WHOLE LOT OF STUFF BECAUSE THE PILGRIMS WERE KINDA SLOW AND DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO NOT DIE
and he taught them a lot about
like gardening and scavenging and hunting and stuff.
AND THEN THANKSGIVING
it lasted 3 days and it was this big giant party. AND EVERYONE WAS INVITED. EVERYONE. IT WAS LIKE A GIANT POTLUCK AND EVERYTHING.
And there were also lots of people who wrote about it so yeah.
BUT LOL NO THEY DIDN’T LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER THE NEXT WINTER AND SPRING A LOT OF PEOPLE DIED
Squanto was a pretty cool guy though. Usually. He helped the Pilgrims a lot, but he spread some rumours and got in trouble.
THEN HE GOT REALLY SICK.
Wow ok that
was sudden uhm.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
the pilgrims, specifically.
SO REMEMBER THE SERPERTARTRARAAERSATISTS? THOSE PEOPLE?
These were those people.
because they wanted a nice little thing called
Now, a lotta people had come over looking for a little place called
CHINA. AND IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CHINA, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO GET THERE.
IT WENT FROM PLYMOUTH, ENGLAND TO NEW PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS.
and it started when these people were let’s start our own church yo. because ur not doin it rite so we’re
TAKING THINGS INTO OUR OWN HANDS
which they did. In Scrooby, England.
THREE GUYS. WILLIAM BREWSTER, WILLIAM BRADFORD, AND JOHN ROBINSON.
the king was this dude named
JAMES THE FIRST
james the first
KING OF ENGLAND
and when he was king there was a lot of hate for people who were anti-Church of England yep. which means persecution.
AND SO THESE THREE GUYS HAD TO MEET IN SECRET.
and church members were like getting all spied on and stuff. a few got tortured and stuff.
so the three people were like
TIME TO GO
so they moved to Holland!
WAIT NO THEY DIDN’T
that was their plan. they did not move to holland actually. it didn’t work whoops.
BASICALLY THEIR PLOT TO LEAVE GOT DISCOVERED AND THEY WERE THROWN IN PRISON. ACTUALLY A LOT OF PEOPLE GOT THROWN IN JAIL.
so there was another attempt to leave but it failed again
THEN THEY JUMPED ON A SHIP AND LEFT YEP.
but the authorities stopped the women and children???? wat
THEN THEY GOT LET GO LATER YAY AND EVERYONE WENT TO AMSTERDAM ABOUT THE SAME TIME JOHN SMYTH WAS THERE.
and then about 100 moved to Leiden. In Holland. And even though it wasn’t home, they had religious freedom. Which was nice.
THINGS STARTED TO STOP GOING AS SMOOTHLY AS THEY WANTED IT TO, THOUGH.
The people worked in factories instead of on farms. And they started. Like. Turning. Dutch. Instead of English. Which nobody liked.
AND BREWSTER WAS KIND OF IN TROUBLE FOR WRITING AND SENDING RELIGIOUS STUFF OVER TO ENGLAND.
SO THE SEPARATISTS DECIDED TO RELOCATE
they kinda just sailed over to america then and it wasn’t that bad.
BREWSTER WAS THE GUY WHO KINDA LED THE THING.
some merchants provided a boat called the Speedwell and failed over to England.
ROBINSON STAYED IN HOLLAND.
so they were in england and some Strangers (capitalized) were like HAY CAN WE COME WITH
BY THE WAY, STRANGERS ARE BASICALLY ADVENTUROUS BUSINESSMEN
this weird group over here were called the pilgrims. and theres something here not like fitting right ok
BUT ANYWAY THEY STARTED OUT WITH TWO BOATS. THE SPEEDWELL AND THE MAYFLOWER.
but you’ve probably never heard of the speedwell have you. have you. have you?
NO. YOU HAVEN’T. THAT’S BECAUSE IT WAS OLD AND BASICALLY “LOLNOPE”
so just the mayflower went
BUT MOST PEOPLE GOT ALONG PRETTY WELL
and after 65 days at sea they saw land
LAND LANDLANDNLANDLNAL LAND LAND LAND LANDLANDLAND LAND LANDLANDNLANDLAND
in massetchuses or however you spell it
INSTEAD OF VIRGINIA, WHERE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO LAND. BUT THE SHORE WAS REALLY ROCKY AND WINDY AND STUFF.
and so some guys signed the Mayflower Compact. Which said they were going to be “Self governed.”
and since they weren’t in Virginia, they weren’t under Virginia laws.
THEY NEEDED TO MAKE SOME LAWS THEN.
and so they wrote some and there was this guy they elected to be their first governer.
HIS NAME WAS JOHN CARVER.
and the Mayflower Compact being signed doesn’t really sound like a big deal??????
YEAH IT IS. IT REALLYREALLY IS. REALLY REALLY REALLY IS OK. IT WAS A BIGIBIGBIGBIGBGIGIGBIG DEAL YO. SRS BZNZ
the serparatists did
NOT IMPOSE THEIR FAITH AND RELIGION ON THE STRANGERS AND THE STRANGERS DID NOT FORCE THE SEPARATISTS INTO ANYTHING.
these people know what they’re doing.
SO THERE’S THIS GUY.
His names was Myles Standish. And he met the Separatists back in Lieden.
AND THEY VOTED HIM TO BE THE FIRST CAPTAIN.
but he wasn’t very good at native americans
MEANING HE KILLED THEM.
anyway after like 5 weeks he finally found a nice place for everyone to settle down
AND THEY DID SO.
the official date of their landing was December 26th, 1620.
THERE’S A ROCK AT PLYMOUTH WHERE A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY THEY LANDED.
and unlike Jamestown, everyone was working nice and hard and stuff which is good
WINTER WAS REALLY HARD THOUGH BECAUSE EVERYBODY GOT SICK EXCEPT FOR 7 OF THEM LIKE SERIOUSLY THATS 102 PEOPLE MINUS SEVEN THAT’S SICK.
and 42 people died whoops
SO THERE WAS THIS INDIAN NAMED “SAMOSET”
and he said “welcome englishmen welcome englishmen”
JUST LIKE THAT AND THEY’RE LIKE “WAT”
because he was speaking english
AND HE BROUGHT THEM THIS GUY SQUANTO WHO SPOKE ENGLISH PRETTY WELL
and then he brought them the chief yep. he was nice though it’s cool calm yoself nothing bad happens
AND THIS GUY SQUANTO IS REALLY IMPORT AND WE’RE GONNA HAVE A WHOLE POST ON HIM HE’S PRETTY KICKIN
and in april of 1621 their governor died.
AND BRADFORD GOT TO BE THE NEW GOVERNOR AND HE WAS REALLY GOOD AT IT OK
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Because this was a war. A complicated one. With lots of nations and lots of fighting and balauhaluhah.
IT’S CALLED THE 30 YEARS WAR.
and basically the Catholics and the Protestants had a big fight.
and this is not one of those stupid ones where it’s like OK THIS WAR IS CALLED THE THIS-IS-HOW-LONG-IT-LASTED WAR BUT NOT REALLY. It actually did last 30 years yay.
Started in 1618. Guess when it ended.
OK SO LET’S TALK ABOUT THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE FOR A SEC.
The HRE wasn’t even actually a country. It was just. This area. And it had a bunch of countries which just kinda fell under the rule of this one government. THOSE WERE. AUSTRIA, BOHEMIA, FRANCHE-COMTE (whut.), GERMANY, LORRIANE, LUXEMBOURG, MORAVIA, SWITZERLAND, AND A PART OF HUNGARY. so basically that whole general area over there ok.
AND FOR ALMOST 400 YEARS THE HRE JUST KINDA HAD ONE FAMILY IN CHARGE. The Hapsburgs. this is important yo remember this.
and ANYWAY THE 30 YEARS WAR STARTED HERE IN BOHEMIA.
the people got angry and started throwing their officials out the windows.
i. welp. i. this seems like a good idea let’s just throw our elected officials out of windows that will solve ALL OUR PROBLEMS
oh by the way this happened twice.
SO THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE. SOME PROTESTANTS. AND SOME CALVINISTS. AND THEY DIDN’T LIKE THEIR CATHOLIC PEOPLE. SO THEY ALL JUST KINDA. THREW THEM OUT OF WINDOWS. ALONG WITH THEIR KING. Because he wanted to shut down their churches.
by the way everyone who got thrown out of windows lived. The Catholics said it was because of Divine Intervention. The Protestants said it was because they landed in manure.
AND THIS WAS CALLED THE DEFENESTRATION OF PRAGUE.
AND THEN A WAR HAPPENED. Because the elected officials were not happy being thrown out of windows.
war happened and the people were not happy with anyone so they just got their own king. And they were gonna replace the old king (Ferdinand) with their king (Frederick).
but so after he was kicked out he got elected to be the Holy Roman Emire.
So as emperor, Ferd (The new Holy Roman Emperor) ordered that Fred (The King of Bohemia) get off the throne.
Fred said no.
So Ferd sent an army of 25,000 men to make Fred not say no.
So Ferd just kinda. Made Bohemia Catholic again.
AND IF IT STOPPED HERE, THEN THERE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN A WAR.
but no. word spread that the new emperor did NOT like Protestants. And people started freaking out. And people started just talking bad out each other and then people started just straight up fighting and then THE DANISH INVASION.
So the King of Denmark. And his name was Christian IV. Chris. And Denmark wasn’t actually a part of the Holy Roman Empire. BUT THEY WERE STILL FREAKING OUT BECAUSE THEY WERE RIGHT THERE NEXT TO IT.
And they were Lutherans. And Chris just kinda led 20,000 men off to war.
Also Chris had to deal with the other guy named Tilly (ok no lie) who had that army of 25,000 who got Fred off the throne.
Chris also had to deal with THE BEST GENERAL FERD HAD named Wallenstien. Pronounced with a V. VALLENSTIEN.
He also had a really weird mix of Protestants and Catholics in his army, but he was a Jesuit so?????
Chris couldn’t really compete. So he gave up.
so he signed a treaty so he could stay king of Denmark.
AND AGAIN, THE WAR COULDA JUST ENDED.
But some Catholics came all whiny to Ferd like THESE PROTESTANTS STOLE OUR PLACE and he was like “OK PROTESTANTS YOU GIVE BACK EVERYTHING YOU TOOK AND ALSO ALL THIS STUFF.”
it did not go exactly as planned.
SO THE SWEDISH. They also were not part of the HRE????? But they also were really close????
So this guys named Gustavus Adolphus. he wa
kay hold up
THE HECK SORT OF NAME I CANT JUST I WHAT AWHAKWJETKDFG ok back to business
HE WAS THE KING OF SWEDEN. And he also had an army. WITH GUNS. New guns. Faaaancy guns.
So this Gustavus guy was pretty cool. He was like “OK WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT BRO” and he pretty much let whoever he conquered have whatever religion they wanted.
SO YOU REMEMBER TILLY.
He defeated that army.
and then Wall.
who he met.
AND THERE WAS A BIG FIGHT OK.
a big big big fight
and the Swedes were way outnumbered
BUT THEY WON ANYWAY
BUT THEIR KING DIED
OK NOW THERE’S STILL MORE.
AND FRANCE JUST DECIDED THEY’D GET THEIR BUSINESS ALL UP IN EVERYTHING
because they’re stupid ahohnonohoho stupid french
this is backwards
OK ANYWAY THIS GUY RICHELIEU.
He was this guy for the Roman Catholic Church. And he was in charge of running France because the king was a little boy. And for some reason he was supporting the Protestants?????
Because the war wasn’t about religion anymore. It was mostly power.
Rich was a cool guy. He didn’t try to take away any rights from the Protestants or anything.
AND HE JUST DIDN’T WANT THE HAPSBURGS TO TAKE OVER FRANCE BASICALLY. So he gave some support to the Swedish Protestant army.
SO ANYWAY FERDINAND APPARENTLY JUST NONCHALANTLY GOT OFF THE THRONE OR DIED OR SOMETHING? IT DOESN’T SAY BUT NOW HIS SON IS ON THE THRONE.
Ferdinand III. Nice name.
And he wanted peace too!
And the Germans were just like GUIZ STOP FIGHTING PLEASE OMG. because people just totally messed up germany nice goin guys
AND THE DECISION WAS MADE TO HOLD A MEETING BUT EVERYBODY HATED EACH OTHER.
and this meeting took like forever beacuse it took like 6 months (no lie) for everyone to figure out where to sit.
THE HECK GUYS /YOU ARE ADULTS/
after like FOUR YEARS they signed this treaty. Except for the Pope. and some other stupid people.
SO A COUPLE OF THINGS WERE DECIDED.
The Calvinists were given equal rights. Yay!
Sweden was given access to some rivers. So they could stay in the trade business.
France was given some land.
THREE THINGS THE WAR DID TO EUROPE.
1: IT SCREWED IT WAY UP.
2: A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THOUGHT ABOUT PACKING UP AND LEAVING GOING THE NEW WORLD.
3: A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ALSO SAID “FORGET EVERYTHING” and just didnt religion because OF STUPID PEOPLE LIKE THIS.
that was long.
and ended abruptly.