Thursday, July 28, 2011

smitty werbenjagermanjensen

It’s time for some Mulan Action.
Now I’ve taken notes on the Song dynasty of China, yeah? Yeah. BUT TODAY WE’RE TAKING ABOUT KHANS AND MONGOLS.
A lot of people know about Genghis Khan. In the late 1100s, when Genghis was about 13, he became chief of his tribe. Now something about the tribes of Mongolia is that hey were nomads. They’d follow herds of animals, moving when they did. Their diet was mainly meat and dairy, which means BIG STRONG MUSCLES YAH. So soon Genghis’ rule spread to other tribes. Soon, he became known as “Ruler of People in Felt Huts.” Because they lived in felt huts. GETTIN’ CREATIVE GUYS.
Genghis was a big military leader. He pulled the tribes together to make an army. They were feared for their siege attacks. Now siege attack weren’t really fair. They’d fill up moats with sand bags, and they had big towers to push up against the wall and climb.
When they went through the desert, they brought two horses. Now I think that’s pretty dumb, considering you now have two mouths to feed. But I guess if yours dies you’d have a spare.
He was horrific. He was Terrible. And he established the first set of laws for the Mongols, called the Yassa. And then he went on a conquering spree, which led him to have one of the largest empires in all of history.
Soon he had most of China, he moved through the Middle-East, and he sent some of his sent to capture some soldiers from southern Russia. Eventually, he had about 2/3 of the known world. Woahdood.
So eventually, he died.

So he left his empire to his four sons. However, they weren’t really as horrific, terrifying, bloodthirsty and merciless as their wonderful father. So things were pretty shaky. ENTER Kublai. Kublai was the grandson of Genghis, and you could tell it. He was just like his granddaddy, big though strong bloodthirsty merciless etc. etc. By 1279, he had all of China. So with the Song Dynastay destroyed and humiliated, Kublai started the Yuan dynasty. He also added Burma and Cambodia to his rule. He tried to get Japan, but he was defeated by the samurai. HE-YAAAH~
but now Kublai pretty much had everything from the Yellow Sea to the very borders of Europe. So he had a lot of cultures in one big area. He was interested in all the religions. So he got a lot of people from a lot of religions to come to his courts. Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, Confusciousesesness people, all were with him.
So art and science were big things. Now Kublai wanted some more Christians in his empire, so he invited a lot of Franciscans and Dominicans over for tea. But the most famous guest he had at his big party was a little Italian merchant named...

But we’ll have a whole lesson- I MEAN NOTES on MARCO! POLO!





Well you see, eventually the Mongols kinda weakened.... The Chinese started taking back -SPOILERS-
But that’s another lesson.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Omnomnomnom :3

So this guy was waywayway ahead of his time. GO GO GO JO-
He was an academic, was taught at Oxford, and was a teacher in France. So after he left France, he went back to Oxford.
He met some Franciscans on the way over to England. He joined them, but oooh....
Well, the Franciscans weren’t really hip on the academics. Roger, our lead role, was. He was “allowed” to continue his studies, but they still didn’t really like it. Eventually, he was “found out” and he got in a whole mess’a trouble. He was exiled for 15 years from the Franciscans because of this.
He had a lot of ideas though. He knew a lot about light, and he had the ideas of reflection and refraction. Okherpderp mirrors and rainbows what’s so great about that? Well, though these things, he built a magnifying glass. And from that they made glasses. Now he didn’t invent the glasses, but he did make the magnifying glass.
Roger also studied the languages of the Bible and mathematics. He thought everything could be explained by numbers.

He wished to use his ideas to prove the existence of God, rather than the refuting of God. He thought you could sail across the sea from Europe to India, and that it could be done in a few days if the wind was right. He thought that if gunpowder could be contained, it could be used greatly. A.K.A. guns. Now he didn’t invent guns, but he fueled some ideas.
He also had some ideas that were waaaay ahead of his time for mechanics. He had ideas for cars and boats and airplanes and submarineeenes and all sorts’a things.
He also thought it was really good to do experiments. Most people would just trust their opinions, but he wanted proof. This was one of his most influential contributions to the scientific world. Yayyybigwords :D
Oddly enough, Roger didn’t really perform that many experiments.
He asked Roger to secretly send him samples of the books he was writing. These books were going to become encyclopedias, but that was a lot of work without a printing press. So he just put a buncha little tiny bits of his books into one big book called the Opus Maius.
Now notice I said “secretly” send him samples. Well that’s a bit odd, yeah? It all goes back to the Franciscans, who didn’t like high education because it could lead to unnecessary wealth.
Souhm how bout tho-
Did I mention is last name? No, I didn’t his last name was - get this - Bacon. Roger Bacon.


Carry on.

Souhm how bout those anti-climatic endings?

Thursday, July 21, 2011


Philosophy is a pretty... interesting subject. It’s complicated. It’s deep. Why? Because you can’t really try to explain everything visible around you and everything invisible around you, mostly because you aren’t God. And if you are, HAI MAN WHUTS UP HOW’S THE WEATHER UP THERE?
Like I said, Philosophy is a difficult field. But there’s one man who decided to take it on.

Anyways, his name was Thomas Aquinas. He was an interesting character.
He was born in a castle in Italy near Aquino. His father was the nephew of Frederic Barbarossa, and his mother was from Sicily.
Tom went to a Schoolchurchhouse for a few years, but his brother invited him to join him at the king’s palace to help take care of the falcons.
So that sounded like a pretty nice gig, yeah? Hanging out with the king in his palace, takin’ care of awesome birds, living in a big pretty palace... So he decided to join the Dominican Friars! You know, the guys who got rid of all their possessions, preached the gospel like crazy, and all that jazz.
Now normally, this would be looked on as a honorable desire, but his parents weren’t trilled. At all. So when he got to Paris, his loving family sent his brother to kidnap him. Yeahuhm.
So he was kept in the king’s castle like a prisoner for over a year. But his mother tried to help him escape from the castle, which went well. His sister because a Benedictine Nun, and Tom became a Dominican Friar.
Then he met a man named Albert Magnus, who said he’d be a great philosopher, a theologian heard throughout the world.
And guess what? He became a great philosopher and a theologian heard throughout the world.
He wrote a buncha books, one of them being titled Summa Theologica. He took a lot of ideas from other great thinkers, and he greatly studied the ideas of Aristotle and blended them into his own ideas. Other people tried to do this, Jews and Muslims and everyone. But not everyone liked that.
He was never happy with his work. He never even finished the Summa Theologica.
Souhm. Sad and anti-climatic endings.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


Ooh, this’ll be a fun one.
There was this doodyman named Frederick, who shall be called Fred.
Fred ruled three separate countries. Because of this, there wasn’t really a solid reputation throughout his lands.
But why didn’t he ever have a solid reputation? Let’s find out.
He was the son of a Holy Roman emperor, and the Grandson of Frederic Barbarossa.
And Fred became emperor at the age of 2. At 4, he was king of Sicily. The next year, his mummeh died. Awh :c So Mr. P-to-da-ope Innocent (and I laaaugh.) was his guardian, educator, yadda yadda yadda. Well, Fred’s mummy thought that since Mr. P-to-da-ope, being a pope, was a trustworthy man. And his name was innocent, so that had to count for something. But Fred was pretty neglected. He had to beg sometimes, and he didn’t really go to school. But he was very smart. He knew a buncha languages, he could write 7 of them, he read a lot of history, and all that jayazz. When he turned twelve (Like mahself.) he kicked out the regent that ruled above him. He got married at 15 (Ehh. So much for childhood.).
Mr. P-to-da-ope Innocent started to get kinda scared. He lived in Italy, and Fred was in Germany. He owned Sicily, and so the next move would be Italy. Where Innocent lived. And Why is that a problem? Because, well, Innocent pretty much forgot about Fred in his childhood.
But there was a problem with Fred.
Why would there be a Problem with Fred? He was good lookin’, smart, strong, loved the arts, and all that stuff! Well, it all happened in 1215, when Fred was still a wittle boi. Innocent had a meeting, which made him, Mr. P-to-da-ope, the highest authority in the land.
And when Fred came of age, he was liek...
But Fred and Innocent pretty much kept peace, but aaafter Mr. P-to-da-ope Innocent died...

Mr. P-to-da-ope Greg (NOT THAT GREG. GREG THE 9TH.) and Fred had some problems.
You see, Fred led a Crusade. But it was really different from the others. Why? Because it had a truce and a marriage.

So now Fred was the king of Jerusalem because he married a princess.
He was great friends with a sultan who oversaw Jerusalem, and they just kinda made a truce.
Now you’d think Greg would be THRILLED that there wasn’t bloodshed.
Greg was MAD.
So Greg decided to, what else?
So Greg told EVERYONE that Fred was a Blasphemer, and so everyone HATED him. There wasn’t a bishop who would crown him, so Fred just crowned himself.
So what’s bad about Fred? A LOT IS BAD.
He had multiple wives (Maybe a few boyfrands. Or more than a few.) He wasn’t a strong Christian, he was actually a Muslim most likely, and he was a bit too defiant.
But so eventually Greg and Fred made a peace treaty. He worked on improving laws, wrote books, and all the good stuffz.
So then Greg died. Mr. N-to-da-ew P-to-da-ope didn’t really mind Fred. And then Fred died.
Whell then. That was sad and anti-climatic.

Monday, July 11, 2011


So you remember Elanor and Richard and Henry II etc. etc? Yes, of course you do.
Now you might or might not remember John.
John was the annoying little brother of Richard, the favorite son of Henry, and the disapointment of Elanor.
Well, Richard died after he got the throne, so John inherited it.
Everyone hated him.
It was his failnessnessness that lead us to the main bit of our story: The Magna Carta.
So remember the Emo History Poetry Slam? The Jews of the Middle ages? King John was the guy who put all the Jews in jail. And then kicked them out because they no longer helped the economy.
So he was Hitler before Hitler was Hitler. Hitler.
And if you remember The Emo History Poetry Slam, and Elanor and Richard and Henry II, you must remember the forests in England. They were a bid deal, private property, and all that jayazzz. And John hoarded them. He severely punished intruders too. Nice guy.
John was even worse at home. He divorced his first wife to steal another woman /who was already married./ He then went and had children with other women. Note the plural.
So he wasn’t a Godly Man.
And the monks who knew him best thought he was an Atheist. Heh heh.
In fact, once he got in a fight with Mr. P-to-da-ope Innocent (I still love that name.) and he threatened to kick ALL the church leaders out of the country and put out the eyes and cut out the noses of some of them. For good measure, you know.
So Mr. P-to-da-ope closed the churches, except for baptisms.
Mr. P-to-da-ope Excommunicated John.
Who didn’t really give a hoot.
And ooooh no.
John needed political help from Innocent (Trololo) eventually, and so...

He gave up the throne and gave it to Mr. P-to-da-ope.
He kept the throne for 5 days, and then John bought it back. Trololo.
So John made a big mess.
Nothing made the Nobles more mad than how much John taxed.
Now people expected the taxes to be lightened, because they were pretty heavy due to the Crusades.
John raised the taxes for his own personal gain.
Now I would really like to say that John was a nice guy really, or a polite man, but I can’t. BECAUSE HE WASN’T.
So the Nobles decided to raise an army. Not to fight the king, not to kill the king, but to just make him behave.
So they met up with him in Runnymede, which is a little meadow. Nice place.
The Barons made John put a kingly seal of approval on a document called The Magna Carter. So why didn’t he sign it? Because he couldn’t write. Uhmyeah.
But what /was/ The Magna Carta?
It was a list of rules, all written in Latin, which pretty much gave some rights to the people and put some restrictions on the king.
And the law was above the king, i.e. the king had to follow the law.
And here’s the basis of Democracy.
But King John immediately went against the document, but he still continued to rule. A few years later, though, he died from poiso- I MEAN SICKNESS.
And then his 6 year old son took over. But hey, like father like son.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Lead a Crusade!

Remember that other lesson? The Emo History Poetry Slam? IT GETS WORSE.
This is about children dying.
Ok, so. There were two little boys. From two different countries. About the same time as each other, they thought that the Lord was speaking to them. And what did they think He wanted them to do? Lead a crusade, of course! And to lead a crusade of children. Mmmhm.
The first boy was named Nicholas.

Nick believed that the Lord called him to take back the Holy Land, i.e. lead a crusade. Somehow, he managed to recruit hundreds of children for an army. Most were boys, about 12, but some were girls dressed up like boys.

"My children never caused such trouble. They all became acupuncturists."
"Well, we can't *all* be acupuncturists."
"No! Your great-granddaughter had to be a cross-dresser!" Oh Mulan :D

So the parents begged the kids not to go, but they went anyways. Nearly 30,000 kids marched over the alps, but they were really unprepared.

Most starved to death, some were attacked by wolves, some were robbed by... uh... robbers. The ones that made it were laughed at in Italy, and told to go home. Nobody would sail them over to the Middle-East, so they never made it there. Some stayed there in Italy, picked up an apprenticeship. Pretty good life. Lotsa pizza in Italy.
Then there were the kids that went back over the alps. Uhmyeah.

He lived in Colyes, a little town in France.
Being a shepherd, he spent a lot of time with sheep. One day while he was tending to them, he thought he had a vision from God, telling him to go on a crusade. When he tried to talk to the King of France about leading one, he told him to go back to his sheep :c
But Mr. P-to-da-ope Innocent (Trolololo) supported them, and let the 20,000 kids go on. So they got to the Coast of France, where they were instructed to wait for the sea to part. Uhm. Yeah. That never happened. But some of the shipowners offered to give ‘em a ride to Palestine.


Two of the ships sunk. The other five went off to Africa, where the bad guys sold the children as slaves. /lesob
Supposedly, only one kid was ever heard from, but only after 18 years.
The shipowners were hanged.
Hmhm. We’re getting closer to climatic endings!