Thursday, April 26, 2012

just ignore me please kthnxbai.

So we’ve been all over Scotland and we’re all “HAI SCOTLAND WATS UP” and Scotland’s been like “reformation and queens and bleh whats wif you?”

So Mary! Queen of Scots!

Technically, she was 1 week old when she began her rule. Herpin ma derp like yeuh. So her Mom, who was French, was like “Oh yeah, yeah, my daughter is ruliiing ha ha ha yeahhh.” Because it was totally the baby who was making all of the political decisions. And when she was about 5 years old, she got shipped off to France! Which was terrifying. But after she got there it wasn’t really that bad.

But then the Queen of France. Catherine de Medici~! Yes, that de Medici. THE DE MEDICIS. FROM ITALY.

Anyway, so her son was kinda set up to marry Mary. But neither Catherine or Mary were hip on this idea. Catherine didn’t like Mary’s family, and Mary’s family wanted the French throne. And Francis, the guy who was going to be married to Mary, was kinda lame. And so Mary the marry marriage Mary Catherine Francis Mary marriagemarriagemarriage power Francis marriage power hate. Because it’s all really confusing.


Except for Mary and Francis. They loved each other. BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT, RIGHT? THIS IS A MARRIAGE, NOT A ~MARRIAGE!~

But they got married anyway?

And it was all pretty and in a big church and it was all fancy and they loved each other and it was sweet. And everyone was happy for a little bit, because they were nice and it was both a political marriage, and they really did love each other.


But then Francis, Mary’s new husband, was king. Because his dad had died. Which means Mary was Queen of France.

And for some reason WAY BEYOND ME, some people also thought she was the Queen of England. And everyone was happy was because they were so sweet and they were the King and Queen of France and it was all happy.

EXCEPT FOR CATHERINE. Who enjoyed being a big dark storm cloud on a beautiful blue sunny sky :D

And Catherine was mad because her daughter in law was better than her in every single way.

THEN FRANCIS DIED. When he was 18. Two years into their marriage.

This means she was no longer Queen of France. Which is sweet, horrible, WONDERFUL IRONY if you ask me.

Because Catherine was like “I DUN WAN YEW TUH BEE QWEEEEEN.”

Annnd then Mary’s mom died in Scotland.

So she left France and hung out over there, where she was still Queen. So she hopped a boat and got outta there. But not without some weird sappy “GOODBYE, MY LOVE~” chickflick action while she was sailing away.

And then she got home. She was about SIX FEET TALL, and she had LONG SLENDER ARMS, with WHITE PALE SKIN, and she had dark hair and eyes but forget about that if you know who/what i’m referring to here brownie points for youuu~! AND SHE ARRIVED WHEN IT WAS RAINING.


However, she liked to play golf and go outside and shtuff instead of talk about religion and politics. But she did ask if she could have Mass in her room and they were like “SURE WHY NOT”

So she traveled around Scotland and hung out wif her peeps and dey waz lyk “WATS HAPPININ MAH SISHTA” but then the Son of Philip II was like “MARRIAGEMARRIAGEMARRIAGE SOMETHING COOL IN SPANISH”

But then word got out about this arrangement, and John Knox was like “I’M GONNA SPEAK FOR MARY AND SAY NO.” Because nobody wanted a Catholic Spaniard for their King.

So John Knox met up with Mary and he was like “NO.” and Mary was like “but wai” And John was like “CUZ.” and Mary was all “u treason persunn”

Now he was never really convicted of treason, but Marry never married the marriage that Philip the Marriage son marriage person son. BUT SHE DIDN’T.

But then she...


His name was Lord Henry Steward. Who we shall name Stewie. Even though he was known as Lord Darnley. But he was a really bad husband. Because he wasn’t a very good king and he liked other women better. Sooo she met this Italian musician who was her... “Private Secretary.”


They spent too much time together. And while they were EATING SUPPER TOGETHER (they really were only eating supper. I promise.) Lord Darnley and some goons came and killed him right in front of Mary.


So Mary was freakin out for hopefully obvious reasons. She ran away for hopefully obvious reasons, and she gave birth to Darnley’s son. Herpderp.

His name was James. As in, King James Bible. He wrote it. Er, well, not wrote, but you know.

Then some suspicious series of events happened. Darnley got really sick and Mary visited him every night in the hospital. Anddd when she left to go to a wedding party, a LARGE STASH OF GUNPOWDER EXPLODED. However, you’d think they wouldn’t find any Darnley. But instead, they found him naked and strangled in the courtyard?


Since nothing was ever traced directly to Mary, she never really got in trouble. But a lot of fingers were pointed when she got married THREE MONTHS LATER.

Which was a mistake. Because she married this guy who was probs responsible for the explosion. And everrryone suspected her now and she had to give up the throne to her husband. Who was named James.

So basically she got fired.

And then her hubby got sent to prison and hung out with Mr. Rack’s cousin. He doesn’t have a name, because he’s only half a pole. Now what’s so bad about that? NO, NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT’S FOR. He had to stand next to it and he was chained to it. FOR TEN YEARS. Now, that’s not HORRIBLE, but it was only half his height. Which means he had to squat next to it. FOR TEN YEARS.

Also, Mary was in Prison too but she didn’t have the whole pole derps stuff. And she had tried to escape twice. Once in a disguise, but that didn’t work.

And then she tried to escape with some buddies, which actually did work. So she fled to England to find Elizabeth. BECAUSE WHO ELSE.

Actually it makes a lot of sense. Because Elizabeth was her cousin. But they had never really met. But it was kinda an awkward situation, because at first she was like “Y U COME TO ENGLAND.” but then right after she said that she was like “Come in~!” And that whole situation from a while back made it worse. And some thought that Mary should be queen instead of Elizabeth. And you had some people who were like “ANCESTORY” and some people were liek “CATHOLIC” and bleh blah bluh.

And with al these issues, stuff was weird. And a really failtastic trail was held to get to the bottom of Stewie’s death/murder. In England. Mary was not given a lawyer, and some letters were probably fake. So that whole plan of running away to England kinda backfired because she got in jail again.

herpin mah derp like yeuh.

Eventually, Elizabeth was all sad because she didn’t want to kill Mary but she had to so she did.

So basically the executioner did a really bad job and it took him THREE SWINGS TO KILL HER.

Uhh yeah.

So she died, and she died PAINFULLY. But not for very long, but still. Eww.

Eee uh. So yeah. The end?

No comments:

Post a Comment