Monday, February 27, 2012

No, Man, I'm Serious. She Did. I Don't Even Want to Know the Story.

So we’ve been talking about the Reformation. But we’ve only really looked at the reformists. What about the Catholics? What’d they think about it?

Well there was this guy. His name was Ignacius. He was from Spain. By the time he was 14, HE WAS A KNIGHT. He fell in love with the Queen, but that wasn’t gonna happen. Because she was the queen.

So he went out to war and herpderped and accidentally his legs. So he was in the hospital for a while for hopefully obvious reasons, which meant he read a lot. And he read a book about saints and stuff and he felt bad because all he had done was fight and live for himself and shtuff. So he decided he wanted to be a saint type person because he had a dreamyvision thingy Mary. So he sang that Lord’s Army song you sang when you were a little kid maybe.


But not like King Arthur did.

A little bit more like King Arthur.

He stopped by churches and prayed and confessed sin. He went all emo hipster mode because he did not shave like normal people, nor did he sleep, eat, or bathe like normal people. That’s the hipster part. And he also, you know, whipped himself. The times a day. At least.

Eventually, he let up a little on the whipping shtuff. Which was good. Because the whipping wasn’t.

But anyways!

After a year or so, he moved to Paris to preach. But nobody really wanted to follow him. He was arrested multiple times, and also questioned by the Inquisition for his odd behaviour.

Eventually, he got the money to go to college. And he had a roomie.




Not like Ignatius.

You see, his roomie Francis was rich, smart, good looking, has multiple girlfriends, and you get the idea.

Ignatius was not. The only thing that they had in common was that they both were from Spain.

So Francis and 5 other doods had a crazy spiritual conversion and they all went with Ignatius to a church or something and they all pledged to poverty and chasity and alliegence to...




Mr. P-to-da-ope.


But so they had their little group called the Society of Jesus.

So y’all remember John Calvin? Neither do I. But so he called the Jesuits because he thought they talked about Jesus too much. But I don’t see how that was a problem.

But so they wanted to go to Jerusalem because the Muslims lived there. But that didn’t exactly work out because the Muslims were there.

So they went to Rome instead!

They did stuff like clean and cook and clean and clean. They asked Mr. P-to-da-ope Paul the Octopus to call them an official religious order. He approved the request about six years after they formed. Herpderpok.

The Jesuits were really really strict. All new recruits had to read the guys book he wrote called “Religious Exercises.” And then they had to practice said exercises for two years. And then they had to go to college for four years, and study theology for another four, preach for a year, and do general service for a year. That’s a total of TWELVE YEARS. They did not allow anyone to leave or stop the twelve year regimen.


After Ignatius died, there was a small sigh of relief because, well, I MEAN LOOK. HE WAS SO MONKEYING STRICT.

Francis also helped contribute a lot. He was a foreign missionary, which meant he went pretty much all over Asia herpderpin and preachin and stuff. However, he never got to go to China due to, well, death. His body was preserved and is in India. Well, most of it. Everything except for his right arm.

Because he baptised hundreds of people with that arm, it was severed at the elbow and sent off to Rome! It is on display today in some sorta ornate gold jewely prettiness. It wasn’t preserved very well, and it looks pretty gross to be honest. Meaning, I... Just go google it. GOOGLE FRANCIS XAVIER’S ARM.

So there was a council. THE COUNCIL OF TRENT. Basically all Protestant teachings were condemned. Thomas Aquinas was praised. This was kinda the Catholics’ way of saying “HEY. HEY GUYS. NANNER NANNER BO BOO.”

Yeeeah. That’s pretty much it.

Oh. Also. Francis’ toe was bitten off my a Portuguese noblewoman in the 16th century. Wonderful way to end a post, yeah?

Thursday, February 23, 2012


So I have a cousin.

His name is Ivan.

THIS IS NOT THAT IVAN. Because that Ivan is not really terrible. Most of the time.


The last time we looked at Russia, it was pretty happy. Their king was a good guy. In fact, he was Great. But that’s not this story.


You see, Ivan’s childhood was pretty sad. He was clothed in rags and barely fed. Until the important people came over, in which he was dressed in beautiful clothing and fed like a king. Yeeeeah. His mother was also murdered when he was about 7 or 8. Which made this all worse. He also had his favourite nanny person thing taken away.

He also abused animals. Now I’m not exactly PETA or anything, but when people purposefully go and hurt animals it’s pretty sad. Like... seriously? Bah. So he took to throwing cats and dogs out the window. Like4srs.

And when when as about 13, he threw the next in line to a pack of wild dogs. Which meant he was Czar. And his first duty as czar was to find himself a wife. And out of a lot of women, he picked a woman named Anastasia. And it appeared that he did have a heart ,and it was for her.

Next, he decided he was going to conquer a country city thing. So how it looked on paper was something like he’d march on in to this meeting and help the people make decisions.

It was just a little more forceful than that. He pretty much became a dictator.

Now his laws weren’t to terrible at first. In fact, there were pretty good. He expanded the kingdom, and pretty much got rid of all the Muslim Tatars. This also helped a lot with trade.

And when he conquered a city full of them, he cried because of all the dead. And he felt bad, and he had pity on them.

But that flew right out the window. Like cats and dogs.

“Hey! You’re getting your blog in my judgement!”
“Hey! You’re getting your judgement in my blog!”

Because three years later, he had a celebration. And he built a church. “HEY! YEAH! WE KILLED A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE! LET’S BUILD A CHURCH!”

And it looks like onions.

It was said that he hired two Italian artists to build it. And afterwards, he gouged their eyes out so they would never make anything as beautiful. Yeeeeah.

Or maybe it was two Russians. Maybe he took out their eyes. I dunno. It doesn’t say.

So Russia started up a little trade with the rest of Europe. However, this wasn’t a very big trade, because they were kinda like Japan in keeping themselves walled up. This made Ivan really rich, but the rest of Russia was really poor due to the Feudal System. The peasants were poor, the roads were unpaved, and almost everyone was illiterate.

And in 1560, Anastasia died.

Yeeeeah. Ivan believed she was poisoned, and he might have been right. Because some scientists found a LOT of mercury in her corpse’s hair. This made Ivan mad and insane. Which I’m thinking he was also poisoned, but had a higher tolerance. Mercury pretty much makes you insane, so I’m guessing Ivan got a little bit too.

Ivan sent a farewell letter (?) to the public, and sent one to Moscow about his official resignation. Sorta. He said that he was overthrown by some nobles and the church. Herpderp.

The Lower Class missed him SO BAD. So bad. They begged him to return, because they were afraid they’d crumble without him. So he went back to the throne.

WITH AN IRON FIST. A cruel and paranoid iron first. A very scary iron fist. A very insane iron fist.

And with an attempt to protect himself, he created a WHOLE NEW CLASS of citizens. They were basically a lot of bodyguards. Whether out of paranoia or legitamate danger, he had 1,000 at the beginning and it quickly grew to about 6,000. And this was the beginning of the infamous Russian secret police. They had very, very, VERY few laws except for one: PROTECT IVAN.

And there were two classes now: The ones protecting Ivan, and the rest of them. That means everyone was pushed into Serfdom. This RUINED the economy, and everyone was just confused. It was rumoured that there was a revolt brewing, so guess what Ivan did?


At least 3,000 were killed. However, some say that up to 30,000 were killed. Some said that 6,000 were tortured to death. I dunno. But bad shtuff went down.

Ivan spent a lot of time praying, though. He drank excessively. He did all he could to instill fear into his people. He dressed his secret police in BLACK ROBES AND SKULL MASKS.


They were the first Death Eaters~!

Okbutso. They’re now going to be called Death Eaters, kay?

The Death Eaters had little tortured chambers which resembled Hell where they impaled victims, roasted them, flayed (that’s skinned alive, for those who don’t know), and fried them. Yes, fried. With oil. Ain’t that nice?

So the Death Eaters were now murderous thugs. Yay~!

The thing that put him over the edge was when he hit his pregnant daughter. This caused her to loose the baby, and her husband got in a fight with Ivan. He killed him, and then proceeded to feel really really REALLY bad.

He suffered a ~strange illness~ towards to end of his life, which was probably poisoning. On his death bed, he wanted to make the vows of a monk and be buried as such. Someone thought this was a good idea, and let him be a monk. He was buried like one.

So yeah. He wasn’t really that bad at first, but... Yeeeeah. It got really bad at the end.

Oh, by the way...

Since the beginning on this lesson...


Monday, February 20, 2012

Witty Title

All homeschoolers love Calvin and Hobbes. Even some Public Schoolers LOVE Calvin and Hobbes. But homeschoolers especially.

And if you don’t know who Calvin and Hobbes are, go find them. Google. Local bookstores (not like Borders or anything. Like, local). Everywhere. Because Calvin and Hobbes are amazing.

And this is the man that Calvin was named after.

John Calvin~!

Skip back about a hundred yours from John Calvin. We have Jan Huss. Who was all “Is Mr. P-to-da-ope good?” And then he got killed. And so did a lot of his peeps. An so did John Wycliffe. And then Martin Luther accidentally the Reformation. And he didn’t like the indulgences, so he wanted to have an argument, but hey. So while Luther was over here in the Germany, Ulrich Zwingli was all up in the Switzerland but he and Luther were like “Well yeah but no.” Because Even though they were both reformists, they still had differing views. And this made a wall between the Lutherans and the other Protestants.

And the other protestants who followed Ulrich disagreed with Baptism and the separation of church and state. Then this dood come up and was named Menno was making the Anabaptists. And while they were all getting together, Henry VIII was like JUST GON MARRY ERRYBODY and to do that he needed to mess with the church a little bit. And he made himself the SUPREME HEAD OF THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND, which left Mr. P-to-da-ope very angry.

So look at this picture. LOOK AT IT. You see how stuff is screwing all the way up? While humanism was all big, God was also working on His stuff too. England and the west-ish area of Europe was being reformed.


More than the rest before him, he solidified the rest of the movement. He was HUGE GIANT THING PERSON THING. He worked really hard at preaching, teaching, and writing. He was born in Northern France (Onhonhonhon~) and he was pushed to be a thriving member of the church. And at just 11, he went to college in Paris. Now I don’t know if that’s some sort of normal thing like if college was different or something, but that’s just impressive. But he got his masters at about 17, which is pretty impressive no matter what. He studied things like theology and law and shtuff, and he was pretty eloquent. And when he was in his young twenties, he converted to Christianity. He was teaching Protestant shtuffs in France. And France was not very kind to Protestants. And one of Calvin’s closest friends had to leave France, and Calvin joined him. And while John was running through Switzerland, he met this guy named Will Farrel William Farel. He wanted him to stay in Switzerland. And he did, but he didn’t really want to. But still, Will and John started up a church. But Jon started to pass up Will, but he was never jealous.

John was all humble and nice and stuff, and he didn’t get paid a lot because he didn’t want to, and he was all small and tiny and shtuff. But he was a strong preacher and everyone loved him. So that was good. He preached messages starting in Romans. However, Will and John weren’t perfect either. They set out to convert EVERYONE. Forcefully. And you know how that turns out.

After three years, John and Will got kicked out of the city. Will kept preaching and john settled down and married a nice old widow. However, the people who were hired to replace Will and John were really bad at preaching, so some people starting begging John to come back. So he didn’t really want to go, but he did anyways. So he went back ad kept preaching on the letters of Paul. So he started a very strict moral code, and made gambling, drinking, dancing, swearing, etc. etc. Adultery, Idolatry, and blasphemy were punishable by death. The others were just punishable by, you know, torture and imprisonment.

John did believe in separation of Church and state, but not too much. If that makes sense. It doesn’t really. So he created a group called a consistory. It had members from both the church and the state. They were basically churchy policemen, and they made sure everyone followed the moral code. For those who believed in Biblical teachings, then it was a wonderful place to live. There was a huge drop in crime, and everyone was happy. Sorta. You see, sometimes people took it a little too far. Three men were imprisoned for laughing at church. Some children were punished for eating cake during church. They were not allowed to have more than a certain number of plates on a diner table. Someone who wrote a bad note about John Calvin was tortured twice a day for a month, and then executed.

And there was this guy.

His name was Micheal, and he was one of the many executed. However, he was a true heretic. He was confusing many Europeans with Christ’s Deity, which is a fundamental belief of the Christian faith. And while Micheal was just passing through the city, And John saw him in the streets, so was captured and executed. He was put on trial, but no lawyer or means to defend himself. And he was proven guilty and set to burn. However, John didn’t want him to burn, and just wanted to behead him. Because burning hurts a lot worse than having a quick, clean beheading. Also, Micheal had to burn in green wood, which burns a lot slower and produces a lot of smoke and is worse in every single way.

This left a dark cloud over John’s conscience and name.



He preached almost every day of the week, and he set up a university, and wrote a lot. However, he also got only four hours of sleep and ate once a day. So he wasn’t exactly healthy. He also grieved a lot when his wifeh died, which made it worse. He wrote another book called “Institutes of the Christian Religion.” He started it when he was in France, and dedicated it to Francis I.

So John Calvin fathered ANOTHER branch of Protestantism. Calvinism! The Pilgrims actually were Calvinists, also.

And er uh.


Thursday, February 16, 2012

Actually, It's Really Creepy.

So y’all mumember Sir Thomas More? With Henry? Of course you do!

Well he was born in London. And he went to school and was a good little boy and alla that jayazz. This ARchbishop said he’d grow up to be an awsum opossum and he did. He went to Oxford and of course went and lookedd at Greek and Latin and blahbluhblahbluhbluhhh. He wrote some books and some funnies and read some Eramus and you know how that goes.

And so Tom met Eramus teamed up because they both liked thuh funnies. They both had a sense of humor.


You see, Tom was a bit more serious when it came to faith and religion and all that buzznuzz. He looked into the monky shtuff, but then he thought “but I like women and he wanted to get married so he did which means he couldn’t be a monk and run-on sentence. So he because a judge for Henry!

But before he did that, he wrote a book. It was called Utopia. Which was a funny play on words because in Greek it means something along the lines of “No Place”. So I’m gonna hope you guys know what a utopia is. It’s al perfect and beautiful and all that.

And there was a point to this book about utopia. He made some suggestions in the book about how such a place should be ruled and shtuff, and about how it’s all herpderpy and stuff.

He wrote the book about himself and a sailor and a friend, so it’s kinda hard to tell what’s made up and what isn’t. You see, the sailor was talking to them about an island he found called Utopia. Which is all perfect and stuff. Sorta.

Everyone is the same. Exactly the same. They all grow gardens. They all do the same thing. They all do them at the same time. They all work. They all Read. They all see each other at the same time. They all. Are. The. Same.

Which is only slightly creepy.

So after he wrote this, he had some serious things to keep him busy and went all SUPERPOLITICS MAN mode.

So Tom got knighted! Because the king looked at him and said, “You look more like a Sir than a Thomas to me. Your name is now Sir and Thomas is your middle name. Cool beans yeah? WELL IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK BECAUSE I’M THE KING TROLOLOLO.”

So you see, when Henry insisted that his peeps signed something that said he could get annuled marriage, Sir didn’t want to do it.

And when he asked to say why he didn’t want to sign the paper, he zipped his mouth shut, then locked it with a key, then dug a hole, then buried the key, then built a house on top of the hole where he buried the key, then moved into the house on top of the hole. Obviously. That way he could not be accused of treason because he didn’t actually say anything.

Sir stood his ground. He wasn’t going to sign that paper. But the people found a guy who lied against Sir in court. He said he heard Sir say something treasonous (which is a word, thank you very much.) then he was put to death.

Sir walked on to his execution without a fight, and forgave the guy who lied about him. Which probably means the guy was feeling really really bad about it because he was forgiven. Because right after that Sir was killed.


But Sir Thomas More was declared a saint, and still is to this day.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Grab Yourself Some Popcorn.

Cause it’s gonna be a long one ;D

So we all have weird love lifes. Sorta. Not really. Some people do. You know those people. The ones whose mascara is always all down their face instead of on their eyelashes, they probably have put on weight from all the Ben and Jerry’s, and a majority of their paycheck goes to Reliable Tissue Brand Four Ply. They always freak out if the boyfriend of the week does not call them/text them, etc. etc.


That girl.


That would be Henry VIII. Except he didn’t really cry. Or eat ice cream. Or wear mascara. Or text. He just killed the female counterpart.

Yeah. You might know that guy. I’m not going in to detail on the average “That Guy” because I don’t know a “That Guy” and I do not desire to do any field work upon the subject.
But King Henry VIII did not just kick his ex-es to the curb. He kicked them to the Tower of London, or the guillotine. Or the poison.

So let’s start with wife number one:

You see, Henry never even PLANNED on being the king. But then his brother died. FORESHADOWING~!

So Henry had to get married. At the age of 11. To a 15 year old girl. But that’s not as weird and awkward as it seems, because they were childhood friends.

No, actually, that just makes it more awkward.

But! Catherine of Aragon, the daughter of Isabella and Ferdinand. She had long golden hair, a Spanish accent, and a lot of patience. Which she needed, considering the fact that she was married to an 11 year old boy.

So they waited a bit to get married, and they finally got married they were well loved by the people of England and they were so for a little over 20 years. They had plenty of children, but only one survived.

And that was a girl.

Who shall not be named because I don’t want to bring doom upon you all.

So Henry was all sad panda over here because he only had one child, and said child was a GIRL. So Henry believed this was because Catherine was his brother’s wife. Until, you know, he died. And he thought the problem with this was because of a certain passage in Leviticus which says “NO BROTHER’S WIFENESS.” So Henry texted his wife and was like “TEXT MESSAGE BREAK UP~!” And a cardinal came and made it all legit.

And poor, poor Catherine. She was crushed. She LOVED Henry. She didn’t think the passage in Leviticus applied to their marriage, she didn’t think God was mad at them, and she didn’t want to annul the marriage.

So the poor cardinal was so confused. Catherine wanted to stay with Henry, Henry wanted to have a son, and Catherina couldn’t give him a son. According to Henry, at least, but hey.

So you know how Mr. P-to-da-ope and HRE didn’t get along very well? Sometimes they did though, right? This is not one of those times. HRE and P-to-da-ope are fighting. You see, Catherine was the aunt of the Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire and Henry wanted the Cardinal to talk to Mr. P-to-da-ope. But he could not and would not hurt Catherine with an annulment.

So it’s really confusing. It’s like a daytime soap opera! And when Henry learned he was refused an annulment, he was mad.

He was realllly really mad.

So he fired the Cardinal! And then he had a little court. In this court, he was given a “secret” annulment. Mr. P-to-da-ope was not too happy about that. So Henry hired a new Cardinal who was expected to back Henry up for a legit annulment.

But the Cardinal didn’t want to do that!

And Henry was furious again!

So everyone’s mad, sad, fired, or dead. Herny is in a difficult position. He needs an annulment, but nobody else really wants one. So he does the only logical thing.

Tries to have a son again! Resorts to blackmail!
So he talked a group of bishops into passing a bill which said that he was the head of the Church of England.



So that way, he didn’t need anybody’s approval to annul his marriage. He killed the Cardinal, and annulled his marriage. Er, he got an Archbishop to annul it officially, but he pretty much did it himself.

There goes wife number one. She was tucked away to live her life as the ex-Queen, and was NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN HAHAHAHA~!


Her name was Anne Boleyn. He was married to her /before/ the official annulment. Oh, by the way, she was FIFTEEN.

Ok, so, that’s not that bad, right? I mean, Catherine was 15 when she was engaged, so that’s not too bad.

But she waited to get married. Let’s say they waited... four years? That would mean Henry was married at 15. They were married for twenty years.



For years, Anne refused to be Herny’s girlfrand. She was lyk “Nonono you’re married that’s not good for me to be garlfran while you’re married.”

It’s pretty much assumed that she was the reason Henry didn’t, you know, try to have another kid with Catherine.

Henry was also in kinda-creepy-stalker-with-a-crush-mode. He wrote her all sorts of love letters and all that explaining his infatuation with her. But she still refused. Of course, this just made Henry want her mooore. If that’s possible. Eventually, she cracked under pressure and moved in with him. She, of course, got preggers.


But~~~. After a month of pregnancy, they got married. Secretly. So 8 months later, SHE HAD BABBY.

Which was, of course, a girl. Named Elizabeth.

So Henry wanted three things from Parliament. And they gave him three things.

Number one: The king of England, NOT the Pope, was the supreme head of the Church of England.

Number Duo: Mary, Henry’s daughter, would NOT inherit the throne.

Numbah Three: ALL of the kings subjects had to sign an oath that said Elizabeth and any children Anne had could inherit the throne.

Annnd then he fell out of love with her. He began to hate her, actually. And she wasn’t as patient as Catherina was, and she was really really jealous, because Henry liked to notice other women.Which he did a lot.

And the people of England didn’t like her. At allll. They accused her of wichcraft. Poor girl couldn’t walk down the street without people yelling at her.

And three years into their marriage, Herny charged her with adultery and plotting to kill him. She was locked away into the tower of London, given the death penalty, and was killed. Her “boyfriends” were killed first, which also was a big blow against Anne, because everyone was innocent. Except for Herny, of course.

So a week after she was beheaded, Herny was married again.

On to number three~!

Because Anne was an adulteress and was dead, Henry could marry without guilt! And the lucky Jane Seamour was the girl. She was a maid in the king’s court, which is slightly horrific because you can guess how long he had his eye on her.

But 17 months after their wedding, Jane gave birth to a....


Yew guiz thought i waz trollin werent yewww ;D

The newborn prince’s name was Edward. However, twelve days after Ed was born, Jane died.

This made Henry sad. Yes, Henry had a heart. Like, a legit one. He said that Jane was the best queen they ever had. Aww~ :3

Well remember that Archbishop that gave Henry his annulment? Well he and a secretary named Thomas Cromwell were getting involved in the reformation! And you know how that kind of stuff goes. They wanted Henry to break even further from the Catholic church than he already had. Buuut Herny wasn’t really Protestant, and he didn’t agree with anything Martin Luther said. Except for the “less Popey Power” buzznuzz.

The Archbishop and the Secretary still went on with their reformation, dissolving monasteries and fixing stuff up. Henry was fine with it because he got the land from them. It was a win-win.

Anddd Wife number four~!!!!

Anne of Cleves was the “lucky” girl. Why her?

Well Thomas Cromwell, the secretary, really wanted England to break away from Rome. Like Germany. And he thought Henry should marry a German princess! Of course!

And that was a really good idea! Sorta.


Not really.

They THOUGHT it was a good idea.

Well, Henry believed that Anne was going to be a lovely, impressive, delicate young woman.

Anne was a ugly, unrefined woman. She was older than Henry liked, and could hardly speak English. She was more rugged and well built than Henry. And she was kinda looked like a horse.

You know you want this so you can look like a German/English princess. You know it.


She was very nice in personality and everything, but he didn’t love Anne like a wife. Or at wall. I mean, yeeeah, they ate supper together. And they drank beer. Of course they drank beer, she’s German. But anyways. Six months later, they had their marriage annulled. And neither of them really cared.

She continued to live in England on a decent budget.

And Thomas, who had this genius idea? He was beheaded. He was pretty much given no mercy. The man who painted the beautiful picture of the not-so-beautiful woman was forgiven.

On to number five~!

Catherine Howard. On the same day as Cromwell’s execution, Herny was married. Again.

And she was a teenager. Of course.

Same old same old, the marriage went kaploink in about two years. Annulment. But this time, it was against HENRY’S wishes.

Because she was a teenager, she was pretty airheaded. And she was unfaithful. But she gave him a lot of attention, which he was cool with. Archbishop didn’t really like Catherine, because she was Roman Catholic. So he stirred up a story about her old boyfrand, which actually led way to a real secret of hers.

She was dating some people in the court~!

She confessed to be guilty of adultery, and she was beheaded along with some maids who helped her cover the secret and her boyfran.

Henry had a taste of his own medicine. Because right before all this buzznuzz, he held a BIG PARTY and bragged about her being awesome and wonderful and awesome and beautiful and rosey and not thonry and awesome and cool and boxxy she was. And he felt stuuupiiid. She dropped him, and he sat stupified.

So we got wife number sixx~!

Her name was ALSO Catherine. I think if I was named Catherine or Anne, I would move out of the country.

But this woman was 31. She was widowed twice, and Henry and Catherine were married about a year and a half after Catherine the second was dropped.

And Catherine was a good little wife. This was amazingly stable considering what had happened, and this marriage stayed. She raised his children, but she was Protestant. She tried to explain her views to Henry, but he didn’t like that so he put her in time out. She learned to keep her mouth shut. Henry got sick though and he died four years after Catherine and he married. He was only 55 years old. He’s buried at Windsor Castle, right next to Jane. Catherine married a few years later, but died soon after.

So what did Henry actually, you know, /do/? He Knew three languages, loved the classics, was interested in music, art, and dancing. He hunted, entertained, and built ships. However, he didn’t actually do anything. Except for marry people who were kicked to the curb under soon afterwards. He didn’t reform anything. He put bibles in churches, yeah, but not for reformation. IT was for rebellion against Rome. Not because, “Hey,this isn’t right. We need Bibles in the church!” Because. “Hey! I’m Henry! I can do whatever I want~!”

So when Henry died, Edward came in. But he died. Then (name removed for the safety of all) took over, and then Elizabeth. And they alllll wereee differenttt. Edward was Protestant, the (first queen) was Roman Catholic, and Elizabeth brought back the Church of England.

But that’s a different story.

Which will be here soon~ Hang tight!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Akbar the Akbar

So let’s pause the Protestant Reformation and the Anabaptist buzznuzz and go over to Islam. ALL THE RELIGIONS.
We’re gonna hop over to India. North India, to be exact. Guess who had India under control.
Not the Turks! The Mughals are gonna get their 15 minutes of fame.
The North Indians were getting pushed around. They were done with their golden age loveliness, and they were getting bullied by the Huns, Persians, and the Mongols. Everybody loved India and they were all up in it’s buzzness. Even if India didn’t really want them, their belief systems, or all their junk, even though they were intent bringing it.
So the Hindus were getting all mixed with Islam. And the very very few Christians just kinda sat back and bit their tongues. Which means while HRE was whining and pouting about baptism and communion and Team Edward or Team Jacob, while India was derpin around with Hindu and Islam.
So this guy Babur. Which means Beaver or Tiger, depending on who you ask. No lie. 4srs.
ANYWAYS! His parents were interesting. His mother was a beaver and his father was a bear. His beavery mother was also a direct descendant of Genghis Khan, and his father was related to Tamerlane. Tamerlane was pretty much a brutal chief who killed a lot of people.
Babur inherited a little Turkistanish kingdom. He was very religious, and was Islamic. He pretty much went back and forth between winning kingdoms and loosing kingdoms. Herpderp.
And then he pretty much lost his entire country.
Andddd then he wanted India.
So with only 12,000 men he went in to India. So this is gonna fail, riiight? Well the first battle was a success, because Babur was good at killing creepers and he had a LOT of gunpowder because of this. Which means he had GUNS. Which Notch needs to make.
So the other guys had Elephants. Elephants are big. And strong. And grey. Which means they don’t get hurt by guns very well. But Elephants are actually just ol’ scaryphants, so they ran away towards the army for which they were... Elephanting. Which means the ol’ scaryphants trampled everyone to get away from the big scary guns.
And Babur was pretty cocky by now, so he marched right in to the main city. Now normally when someone does this, they and all their men die.
India was having an epic fail moment and Babur set up the official Mughal Empire.
He pretty much jacked the name from the Mongols from where he came. But whatevhurr.
The Indias HATED this guy. But Babur wanted to be loved. HE WAS JUST MISUNDERSTOOD D:
He was actually a pretty nice guy. He wrote stories and kept a diary and gardened.
So he was a sissy boy, more or less.
And a few more years later, he died of disease. Derpderpderp.
That means his son gets to take over! Yay!

His son lost EVERYTHING. He lost the whole India. He ran back to his little Turkish kingdom, where he raised his son.
Like Admiral Ackbar, but different.
Akbar actually means the Great, though, so hey.
It’s like The Boss. But The Great.
So he pretty much just went back to India and did some battles and fought some war and got the India. Which was good, because he let them pretty much hang with the Hinduness and they liked him because of that. He married a Hindu princess, and all that. He held debates between different religions and was pretty open minded.
Buuut he was a bit too open minded. He never really settled on a faith, and he tried to mix ‘em all up and sell it as a high power energy drink, but it never caught on. Wonder why.
He didn’t force young children into marriage, took away the law that stated WIDOWS HAD TO COMMIT SUICIDE, he increased trade, and provided some better conditions. So he was Akbar the Akbar.
Oh, by the way, you guys know the Taj Mahal? Yeah. It was built by Akbar’s grandson. It’s a tomb in which he and his wife lay, and it was, oddly, facing AWAY from Mecca unlike most tombs and everything.
You see, when Shah (who was the grandson of Akbar) lost his favourite wife, he began a project to build her a tomb. A project which took 22 years. Why?
Because he imported marble, thousands of gems, and he also had to carve the marble. And it’s...




So a lot of people think it’s a beautiful SYMMETRICAL~ piece of Indian architecture. I guess that’s right, but it looks like a mosque. It has Koran stuff inside. It’s art is all Muslim. It looks like a mosque, it smells like a mosque, it feels like a mosque, BUT IT’S NOT.


However, the Taj Mahal is also a picture of the decline of the Mughal dynasty, because it was the last great thingy thing building monument thing that was built under their dynasty. After it was built, the dynasty began to crumble. MAYBE BECAUSE THEY SPENT ALL THEIR MONEY ON JEWELS AND IMPORTED MARBLE.
I dunno.