i don't always stop posting and then randomly start again, but when i do, it's on the wrong day.

mom has specifically stated that i can’t but any bad jokes in here

sigh.

SO ANYONE HERE FROM THE GREAT STATE OF CONNECTICUT?

I SURE HOPE SO. BECAUSE YOUR STATE WAS FOUNDED BY A GUY NAMED THOMAS HOOKER

yep

SO HE WAS BORN IN ENGLAND. and he was a puritan. sort of. then he went to college and was a super puritan and started preaching

BUT HE JUST SO HAPPENED TO BE LIVING AT THE TIME WHEN THE ENGLISH CHURCH REALLY DIDN’T LIKE PURITANS.

and there was this mean archbishop who didn’t like him at all and tom here quit preaching but the guy was still like “NO I’MMA ARREST YOU BECAUSE I’M STUPID.”

So Tom went to the netherlands~!

but he was like “meh” so he WENT TO AMERICA.

but the archbishop still didn’t like him and actually followed him for a while until tom went out to sea

AND HE WENT THERE ON A SHIP NAMED THE GRIFFON. AND HE LIKED IT SORTA. HE WAS FORCED TO LIKE IT FOR 8 WEEKS, ACTUALLY. WHICH IS WHEN HE GOT TO SHORE.

so he kinda settled down in massachusetts for a little

THEN HE HAD A FIGHT WITH JOHN WINTHROP, THE GOVERNOR.

but what were they fighting over exactly

OK SO JOHN GOT ELECTED TO BE GOVERNOR LIKE 500 TIMES AND TOM WAS LIKE “UH THIS COULD BE A PROBLEM LATER. I MEAN IT’S NOT A PROBLEM NOW BECAUSE WE ALL LIKE YOU BUT”

because john had some sort of law or somethin’ that only members of the puritan church could vote

uh

ok now on paper this is a good idea but it went something like

“HEY, YOU DON’T BELIEVE EXACTLY WHAT I DO? PFFT TOO BAD YOU DON’T GET AN OPINION THEN!”

which was kinda ok because almost everyone was a puritan and the rest were strangers so

NOW WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED FROM HISTORY.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN CHURCH AND GOVERNMENT MIX?

THAT’S RIGHT, PERSECUTION~!

the head of the church and the head of the government WERE THE SAME PEOPLE.

This was also the case in English. The exact. Same. Thing.

HEY GUYS WE LEFT EVERYTHING ABOUT OUR OLD LIVES BEHIND AND WE’RE GOING TO DO THE EXACT SAME THING HERE EXCEPT I’M RIGHT AND THEY’RE WRONG THAT MAKES IT OK.

now hooker here was like “uh excuse me this is a bad idea or at least it could be”

HE HAD THE IDEA OF SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE!

and he’s probably turning somersaults in his grave right now

SO HE LEFT WITH ABOUT 100 SETTLERS TO START HIS OWN COLONY.

which was connecticut dear people who forgot

THE LAND THERE WAS REALLY GOOD AND THAT WAS GOOD

THERE WERE THREE SETTLEMENTS. ONE TWO THREE. AND THEY WERE FAR ENOUGH AWAY FROM MASSACHUSETTS TO ALL COME TOGETHER AND START THEIR OWN COLONY. AND THE KING OF ENGLAND WAS LIKE “YEAH THAT’S COOL GO FOR IT GUYS”

he and some guys wrote down their ideas of freedom into “The Fundamental Orders of Connecticut” which was pretty cool

ALSO THE FOUNDER OF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY WAS THIS GUY. SO A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY, AT LEAST.

THINGS SOUND PRETTY NICE HERE RIGHT

nope suddenly indians

ONE TRIBE CALLED THE

CALLED

CALLED THE PEQUOTS DIDN’T LIKE THESE PEOPLE.

at all

like

some murder went down

some 9 murderers went down

and then some arson went down on the pequots

and also some murder of 400+ women, children, and men

pequots

guys no

guys

colonists guys no don’t burn down villages

don’t kill 400+ people

pequots colonists

ok

bad ending mode activate

LONG LESSON WITH PICTURES AND FACES AND COOL STUFF.

SO THERE WAS THIS GUY WHO YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF AND HE WAS ALSO A PAINTER ARTIST GUY

Aaaa it’s just like that one time when we all the artists this is fun

EXCEPT HE WASN’T A RENNASANCE GUY. AND HE ALSO WASN’T A BAROQUE ARTIST. WHICH WE WILL TALK ABOUT LATER.

so his full name was

Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn.

now i dont know about you guys but that is the best name ever

SO HE WAS FROM HOLLAND. AND WAS ALSO A PROTESTANT WE THINK. AND HE SPOKE LATIN unlike his other brothers and sisters because they weren’t as smart as he was whoops

and he also dropped out of university

well this is awkward.

SO HIS PARENTS WERE DISAPPOINTED WITH HIM BUT THEY WERE STILL LIKE “KAY”

also he really liked to paint himself

he really liked to paint himself

he really liked to paint himself

NOW THIS PROBABLY WAS NOT DUE TO BEING LIKE “I’M AWESOME” HE WAS JUST THE MOST READILY AVAILABLE SUBJECT

LIKE. HE WAS ACTUALLY REALLY SHY AND QUIET. SO.

HE ALSO LIKED TO PAINT HIS SISTER. AND HIS MOTHER. AND HIS WIFE. AND HIS WIFE NUMBER 2.

Well I guess that one didn’t work out.

SO LET’S TALK ABOUT BAROQUE ART.

originally baroque was kinda an insult. because they were like “uh guys you can’t beat michelangelo and leonardo and ~raphael~”

but then they were like “pfft uh yeah”

anyway lets look at some baroque stuff

check out this statue.

it’s david.

dat face.

just

just

anyway baroque was a really different kind of art like it was really elaborate and pretty and stuff

well not pretty necessarily, but it was just. yeah. and kinda over the top. yep.

so also you guys remember the catholics

WELL NOBODY READ LATIN SO THEY COULDN’T READ THE BIBLE. SO THE CATHOLICS JUST PAINTED IT. PAINTED. LIKE. THE BIBLE. which worked apparently ok

anyway baroque was so popular it’s just kind of gained a new meaning as a word like anything really big and extravagant is called baroque now

SO ANYWAY. REMBRANDT. He was in the Netherlands, which was kinda into the whole religious freedom thing. But the area he was in was mostly Protestant. So the art there was a little different since it wasn’t being totally pushed by the Catholic Church.

which makes sense. so e wasn’t really following that style totally since he didn’t have to???

ANYWAY. REMBRANDT WAS THE MOST FAMOUS ARTIST THAT DIDN’T ROLL WITH THE BAROQUE STUFF

basically he was a hipster

but we’ll get to that later

ANYWAY. HE LIKED TO PAINT REALISTIC PORTRAITS. AND DRAWINGS. AND SHTUFF.

yep

SO HE MOVED TO AMSTERDAM. THEN HE MOVED BACK TO LEIDEN. HIS HOME. and he was kinda his own boss yep

anyway he used a lot of light stuff. light up front and like black in the back. he was pretty cool. people liked him sorta.

THEN HE MOVED BACK TO AMSTERDAM.

people liked paintings there. he was doing pretty well.

also doctors

they liked to be painted

while they dissected people

like this

YOU SEE LOOK TA-DA THIS IS A REALLY FAMOUS ONE HERE CALLED THE ANATOMY LESSON OF DOCTOR NICOLAES TULP.

yep

so this picture everyone really liked it like everyone i dont even know

ANYWAY HE WAS ANNOYED WITH PEOPLE SOMETIMES

because there were lots of rich people who liked to be painted ALL STUCK UP LOOKING but remmy didn’t really like that

AND THEN HE GOT TO PAINT SOME BIBLE STUFF

YAY?

so anyway he met this chick

her name was saskia

well call her sass because i can

AND THEY FELL IN LOVE~

so then they were gon get married

yay

AND THEN THEY DID.

And after they got married he just painted her all the time

and also their baby

and everything

and people were like “uh this isnt baroque bro”

well apparently he just didn’t care cause he went on painting her

AND HE WAS RICH ALSO. MAYBE THAT IS WHY HE DIDN’T CARE.

because this is getting too happy, let’s talk about how his three kids died

so he had three kids

and they died

this affected him but i dont really know why huh

and then he moved out of his house! To a different part of town!

AND HE WAS SURROUNDED BY JEWS.

k.

anyway he was p cool and wasn’t like “ew jews” but more like “TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF”

anyway guess what

he painted them

because they lived next to him

sigh

REMMY CAN YOU NOT GET ANYONE ELSE BESIDES YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS AND FAMILY

also by the way

his wife died :D

so basically he was really really sad all the time and nobody liked to hang around him

anyway so he got commissioned to do this really big painting

and it was pretty baroque but remmy was still like “no i’m not into baroque i promise”

AND THEN HE FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS OTHER CHICK NAMED...

hendrickje?

we’ll name her hen

i like that name

SO SHE WAS HIS MAID.

oh.

also she was a ginger

BUT! REMMY WAS GETTING POOR.

because he couldn’t money.

SO HE GOT IN DEBT

remmy no that’s not how you money right

K

HE STARTED BORROWING MONEY FROM FRIENDS WHICH HE NEVER REPAID

STUPID STUPID DUMB STUPID

anyway remmy painted his kids a lot too

and then his other wife died

whoops

he never really got over it

then his son died

DUDE

poor guy

people kinda forgot about him

he painted 600 paintings, 300 etchings, and 1,400 drawings.

wow.

and then nobody really came to his funeral.

welp

the

the

the end.

oh.

I CAN'T TITLES ANYMORE FORGIVE ME.

so were gon talk about the jews today

and LET’S DO A QUICK OVERVIEW.

SO THE JEWISH PEOPLE THE ISRAELITES LOST THEIR LAND THIS ONE TIME. ISRAEL. THEY LOST IT. COULDN’T FIND IT.

THEN IN 70 A.D. THE ROMANS BLEW UP THE TEMPLE OR SOMETHIN LIKE THAT.

AND THEY WENT TO MASADA. THEY. BEING. THE JEWISH PEOPLE. BUT. BUT THEY DIDN’T REALLY SURVIVE BECAUSE A BUNCH OF OTHER JEWS THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO CIVIL WAR BUT THAT WAS STUPID

AND THE MIDDLE AGES SUDDENLY TURKS REMEMBER THEM AND THEN THE CRUSADES. WHEN CHRISTIANS FOUGHT MUSLIMS. THIS FAILED MISERABLY. YAY CHRISTIANS.

THEN THE JEWS STARTED DOING PRETTY WELL. OK. SOME. MOST DIDN’T. A LOT OF PEOPLE KINDA HATED THEM.

AND NOW WE’RE IN THE RENNAISANCE. RENNISANCE. RENAISSANCE. THERE.

so a lot of people were pretty mean to the jewish people. which. wasn’t nice. well duh that was really unnecessary uh.

so this one time in 1606 these portugese monks that were really nice decided it’d be a great idea to massacre a bunch of jews wait what

and then these people in italy just kinda grouped all the jews in this one place called a ghetto.

OK GUYS, YOU CAN LIVE HERE, AND WE’RE GOING TO CREATE THIS NICE AND PRETTY LITTLE PLACE FOR YOU GUYS TO LIVE OK SOUNDS GOOD.

no it was TERRIBLE.

5,000 gravestones of jews were gotten rid of in germany so they could build other stuff with them. and 800 had to leave the country. 800 people, that is. not. not 800 tombstones.

yeah.

nobody really liked these people. at. at all.

Except for the Ottomans! They were pretty nice to the Jews over there.

And in India, a ghetto was destroyed just because!

oh wait no that isn’t a good thing at all uh

and this one african place also got invaded by the spanish and they got rid of a bunch of ghettos

and ivan the terrible killed over 300 people just because they were jewish

uh

and pope paul the fourth had a bunch of ghettos and locked them all in there at night and wouldn’t let them have more than one synagogue and made them all wear the same clothes and

welp

In Mexico, 200 or so were burned at the stake. 10 people in Peru were punished for being Jewish. and in 1615, all the jews were kicked out of france. the english had been lead to believe that the jews were money counterfeiters and child murderers by a man named William Pryne. Remember him? Yep.

10 years later, the Russians murdered and tortured 34,000 people. Because they were Jewish.

OK BAD THINGS ARE OVER BEGIN READING HERE IF YOU DIDN’T READ UP THERE.

There were some places in the world were people loved the Jews! Morocco was like HEY GUYS C’MERE IT’S FINE OVER HERE.

And remember Charles V? The Holy Roman Emperor? Yeah. He was cool with them being in the Netherlands. And in Poland, the Jews were actually given a charter of freedom. And about half a million lived there by 1648.

wow.

Suleman liked Jews, too. He was like HEY GUYS YOU WANT GOVERNMENT POSITIONS I’LL GIVE THEM TO YOU. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

Denmark was also cool with them. There was a big giant Synagogue in Amsterdam. And in England they were welcomed back eventually. And most of the colonies in North America were like HEY GUYS WE NEED PEOPLE BECAUSE WITHOUT THEM WE’LL DIE.

The jews also worked. Really. Really hard. And they also had a big focus on family and customs and stuff. AND THEY ALSO HAD THEIR OWN LANGUAGE THAT THEY MADE. CALLED YIDDISH. WHICH YOU’RE PROBABLY AWARE OF. LIKE. YEAH. I DON’T KNOW?????

So the Jewish people were also still hopeful. Yeah. Even though they were like. Really. Really oppressed they kinda.

SO. I’LL. AWKWARDLY.

END.

END THIS.

HERE.

SOME IMPORTANT THINGS YES GOOD TITLE PURITANS ARE COOL

SO THE PURITANS.

AND THE SEPARATISTS.

they werent happy with the church.

the Church of England, that is.

AND THE SEPARATISTS SAILED OVER HERE TO ‘MERICUH AND SUDDENLY PILGRIMS

so what about the puritans

These guys were the ones that wanted to fix the Church. And some of them did sail over the America. The Boston.

AND THEY DID THAT BECAUSE JOHN

all dese johns uh

THEY DID THAT BECAUSE WINTHROP.

k das beter

SO THIS GUY WAS ENGLISH.

and so about the time that winthrop here was old enough to like make his own decisions suddenly king charles

who didnt like puritans

at all

or the separatists

BUT BASICALLY JOHN DIDN’T WANNA BE A SEPARATIST

But if the Puritans kept. Like. Being Puritans. Then they could get in trouble

SO THE IDEA OF LEAVING THE COUNTRY STARTED SOUNDING REALLY NICE.

winthrop and some other guys went up the king charles all like hey can we just like leave so we can

uh

fish

that is the only thing were gonna do were just gonna fish ok

SO CHARLES WAS LIKE YEAH SURE WHY NOT GET OUT

And before anyone ever actually left they picked Winthrop to be their governor.

das coo

AND THEN THEY WENT TO SALEM. IN 1630. WOW LOOK ITS A DATE REMEMBER THIS STUFF

1630

THEY LEFT ENGLAND. IN THE SPRING.

this was a really really really big group of people ok

the biggest, actually.

like. seriously. 700.

which was a lot. it was the largest one that had ever sailed at the time ever.

BUT

so they left derp

They were pretty good at the whole living thing though. Because they were really nice to each other. HEY WE SHOULD ALL BE PURITANS what ok anyway

So John preached some before they left. And a lot of people heard. And then a lot of people were like THESE GUYS ARE PRETTY COOL WE SHOULD LEAVE THE COUNTRY TOO.

yeah.

BUT AFTER 72 DAYS AT SEA THEY FINALLY GOT THERE

and were really confused because there were only some huts and some tents on the beach

which werent really enough for 700 people

and there were only 82 people living there because over half the population had died or left

whoops

BUT IT WASN’T THE END OF THE WORLD BECAUSE THE PURITANS WERE REALLY HARD WORKING PEOPLE UNLIKE THOSE IN JAMESTOWN. LIKE. IT WAS LITERALLY A PART OF THEIR RELIGION TO WORK. THEY WERE LIKE. YEAH LETS WORK. EVERYWHERE. ALL THE TIME.

yeah. forget that idea about becoming puritans uh

AND THEY WERE REALLY SUCCESSFUL.

and in the fall he moved to boston. which he helped build.

SO YOU KNOW HARVARD

6 YEARS AFTER THE PURITANS GOT THERE THEY BUILT IT

6 YEARS

6 YEARS

THAT IS REALLY REALLY FAST OK.

education was also really really important to the puritans also. like. these werent the LOL CANT READ OR WRITE BUT WORK REAL GOOD people no they were really smart also

das real coo

also this law that was made in the new world was pretty cool too i think

If a town has 50 families, they needed a teacher. To teach the students about Christianity.

And it was called the “Old Deluder Satan Act”

welp

THIS IS ACTUALLY P COOL GOOGLE IT SERIOUSLY IT’S AWESOME

and the puritans were also pretty cool. a lot of people don’t really get that? they’re like THEY WERE BORING AND STUCK OP no man the puritans were rad ok

SO WHAT ABOUT THE INDIANS.

Basically they were also pretty cool with the Indians. They shared Christianity with them and everyone was pretty happy. They also continued on surviving, and John Winthrop was elected governor ELEVEN TIMES

the Puritans in the new world went up to TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND

yep

basically

they did everything pretty well.

the end.

I'M BACK AND STILL AWESOME AT TITLES.

SO THIS GUY

HE LIKED GRAVITY

but we are not talking about sir isaac newton no not yet

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT GALILEO GALILEI

galgal was born on the same day the michelangelo died. yep.

AND WHEN HE WAS LITTLE GALGAL WAS PRETTY GOOD AT THE GREEK AND AT THE LATIN AND AT THE ART AND STUFF

and basically when he got older galgal realized that he likes science a lot.

so he went to this university. in pisa. like. as in. the leaning tower of pisa.

BUT HIS FAMILY DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO LET HIM FINISH HIS STUDIES.

so he just started a self study in math

and he invented this thing

CALLED THE HYDROSTATIC BALANCE.

and that is the thing that measures the specific gravity of an object in water. das p. cool ok

AND WHEN HE WAS 25 HE WENT BACK TO THE UNIVERSITY OF PISA.

Butttt he was not a student. He was a teacher. A math teacher. Yeah.

AND WHILE HE WAS TEACHING, HE CAME UP WITH HIS MOST FAMOUS THEORY CALLED THE LAW OF FALLING BODIES.

now dont freak out about this ok

bodies means like

anything.

not necessarily like bodies bodies like corpses but like ok nevermind i’ll go over here.

BASICALLY HE SAID THAT EVERYTHING HITS THE GROUND AT THE SAME TIME. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. Like. You drop a 10 pound ball and a 1 pound ball at the same time and they hit the ground at the same time.

HOWEVER MOST PEOPLE DID NOT LIKE THIS THEORY.

He even got kicked out of his university at one point. Uh. Yeah. So he moved to a different one! And eventually he kinda went past Francis Bacon in philosomeness. And actually doing the work. He did a bunch of stuff like connected math and science together. And Philosophy.

AND IN 1609 HE MADE A TELESCOPE.

At least, he made it strong enough to see stars. see them well, at least.

AND HE LIKED TO LOOK AT THEM A LOT. AND HE ALSO NAMED SOME STUFF. like. some planets. like. four of the moons of Jupiter. And Galgal also realized that the moon did not give off it’s own light.

THAT’S PRETTY COOL. BECAUSE. REALIZE THAT EVERYONE EVER THOUGHT THAT THE MOON WAS IT’S OWN SOURCE OF LIGHT. LIKE. NOBODY EVER HAD THIS IDEA. EVER.

he also realized that the moon was bumpy. instead of smooth. like aristotle thought.

GALGAL ALSO MADE THE FIRST COMPOUND MICROSCOPE. YEAH. THAT’S PRETTY COOL. And he also made a thermometer. And a cannon which was better than everyone elses.

AND A DINGLE HOPPER.

Er. A fork. And a comb. At once. Like. A fork-comb. Even though forks are already like combs but like i guess if you were /really busy/ you could

comb your hair

and eat

with your

fork comb.

ANYWAY. GALGAL HAD THE UNFORNTUNATE TIMING TO LIVE AT THE SAME TIME THAT THE CHURCH HAD A LOT OF POWER. MEANING. THEY DIDN’T LIKE GALGAL A LOT. AT. ALL.

and then in 1632 some stuff happened

that

made the catholics really mad

because ok so Mr. P-to-da-ope asked the galileo write a book about heliocentric vs. geocentric solar systems

and one of the people in this book was kinda really obviously supposed to be the pope

and the book was kinda pointing to the heliocentric view

and made the geocentric view look stupid

SO THEY PUT HIM ON TRIAL BY THE INQUISITION.

His ideas were considered heresy! Yay!

HOWEVER, THE INQUISITION WAS MORE LENIENT.

NOTE: SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT HE WAS TORTURED. THIS IS FALSE. HE WAS FINE. HE WAS JUST IMPRISIONED FOR LIKE A YEAR AND HAD TO TELL EVERYONE THAT HE WAS WRONG.

yep.

they were nicer to heretics by now.

so also in the last few years of his life he kinda went blind

he turned to music instead.

then we went deaf

welp.

and.

and then he died.

uhm.

THE END.

THIS GUY IS MUCH COOLER THAN THIS POST PINKY PROMISE

RENE DESCARTES

SO YOU GUYS KNOW THAT THING

“I think, therefore I am.”

OF COURSE YOU DO.

So this guy. He was French. And also good at math and stuff.

so when he was a kid he almost died whoops

but then he didn’t.

So he was kinda a weaky frail boy but. He hung with some monks, and then he joined the army in Holland. In 1618.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED IN 1618.

it was the beginning of the 30 years war

So he never actually went into combat????? but he did travel all over the place????

which was kinda what he wanted to do anyway so das coo

AND THEN HE MET THIS GUY WHO LIKED THE MATHS

so basically there was this thing which may or may not have actually happened uh

THE CARTESIAN COORDINATE SYSTEM.

so this one time while Rene was chillin he saw a fly. wow dude this is intense.

so he thought WHAT IF I CAN PLOT THIS FLY WITH TWO NUMBERS

meaning he was gon graph dat fly.

yep.

AND HE MOVED A WHOLE LOT. AND HE THOUGHT. A LOT. AND HE STARTED TO REALLY REALLY LIKE PHILOSOPHY. AND HE WAS LIKE “SKEPTICS ARE STUPID”

and a lot of people liked being skeptics ok

and they thought the old ones like plato and aristotle were really stupid because LOL THEY DIDN’T KNOW THE NEW WORLD EXISTED THEY STUPID

So there were the skeptics who had some whacked out version of brain-in-a-jar syndrome who were like “I DON’T EXISTS”

and thats when rene said “I think, therefore I am.”

right right ok.

and he also thought God existed because “A good God would never create man to think God existed if he did not.” and that “A perfect God could not come from the minds of an imperfect man.”

welp

SO DUALISM.

THE DISTICTION BETWEEN BODY AND MIND.

DAS P COO.

SINCE THE SENSES CAN’T BE TRUSTED, THIS ME, THAT IS TO SAY, THE SOUL BY WHICH I AM WHAT I AM, IS ENTIRELY DISTINCT FROM THE BODY.

lol idk

so anyway then he died

a week after he got pnumonia

pnuonima

pneumonia

there we go.

the

end????

this was a terrible post im sorry ahahaha.

SQUANTOOOO

SO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE GUY WE TALKED ABOUT FOR A SECOND LAST TIME?

Squanto.

Sqqquaaannttooo.

Just. Just. Just do me a favour and say that out loud. Because it sounds great ok.

SO ANYWAY.

A lot more ships and stuff were sent over than the Mayflower and this Waymouth guy came and captured some Indians. 5 of them. And one of them was Squanto~!

bet you didn’t see that coming right

uh so ANYWAY THIS WAYMOUTH GUY GAVE HIS INDIANS OVER TO ENGLAND.

and they were used as like mascots ok. and they were probably treated actually pretty well???? And they even got to leave after a little bit. Except for Squanto and this other guy.

THEN HE MET JOHN SMITH.

that just so happened to me the same time pocahontas was getting married ahahaaha what no that is not funny one bit

SO JOHN LEFT ENGLAND AND TOOK SQUANTO WITH HIM AND SAID HE’D GIVE HIM BACK TO HIS TRIBE.

But John wasn’t really the most reliable guy right. So Squanto chilled with John for. A. Really long time. But he did get to go back to his tribe!

after the entire tribe was lured onto the ship though whoops

And basically there was this other guy that wasn’t John. He took them to Spain and was pretty much really mean to them, and was going to sell them into slavery.

THEN THEY MET SOME MONKS.

and you know what monks do.

THEY TAUGHT SQUANTO ABOUT JESUS YAY

and then Squanto met this guy who took him to London. Which was cool, because he knew England pretty well. And then he was asked to sail with some guys BACK TO AMERICA. And he said yes.

and then the captain of the ship recognized squanto lol whoops?????

AND HE WAS TOLD TO BRING SQUANTO BACK TO ENGLAND.

So one more time he was going to go back to America. And they were going to scout around Plymouth, which. You know. Just so happened to be where he used to live.

but

but

but basically



yeah

He showed up and THERE WAS NOBODY THERE BECAUSE THEY ALL DIED.

yep.

BUT THERE WAS THIS OTHER GUY NAMED SAMOSET THAT CAME ALONG LIKE “SQUANTO COME WITH ME”

and he did

So for a year he just chilled with these Indians for a little. And then he met the Pilgrims. And he didn’t really leave them.

AND HE TAUGHT THEM A WHOLE LOT OF STUFF BECAUSE THE PILGRIMS WERE KINDA SLOW AND DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO NOT DIE

and he taught them a lot about

everything

like gardening and scavenging and hunting and stuff.

AND THEN THANKSGIVING

it lasted 3 days and it was this big giant party. AND EVERYONE WAS INVITED. EVERYONE. IT WAS LIKE A GIANT POTLUCK AND EVERYTHING.

And there were also lots of people who wrote about it so yeah.

BUT LOL NO THEY DIDN’T LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER THE NEXT WINTER AND SPRING A LOT OF PEOPLE DIED

yep

Squanto was a pretty cool guy though. Usually. He helped the Pilgrims a lot, but he spread some rumours and got in trouble.

THEN HE GOT REALLY SICK.

And died.

Wow ok that

was sudden uhm.

i’ll just.

AMERICA MAGICS AND COOL PEOPLE

SO TODAY WE’S TALKIN’ ‘BOUT ‘MERICA ‘GAIN.

the pilgrims, specifically.

SO REMEMBER THE SERPERTARTRARAAERSATISTS? THOSE PEOPLE?

These were those people.

BUT WHY

because they wanted a nice little thing called

RELIGIOUS FREEDOM.

Now, a lotta people had come over looking for a little place called

CHINA. AND IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CHINA, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO GET THERE.

The Mayflower!

IT WENT FROM PLYMOUTH, ENGLAND TO NEW PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS.

and it started when these people were let’s start our own church yo. because ur not doin it rite so we’re

TAKING THINGS INTO OUR OWN HANDS

which they did. In Scrooby, England.

THREE GUYS. WILLIAM BREWSTER, WILLIAM BRADFORD, AND JOHN ROBINSON.

the king was this dude named

JAMES THE FIRST

james the first

KING OF ENGLAND

and when he was king there was a lot of hate for people who were anti-Church of England yep. which means persecution.

AND SO THESE THREE GUYS HAD TO MEET IN SECRET.

and church members were like getting all spied on and stuff. a few got tortured and stuff.

NO BIGGIE.

so the three people were like

TIME TO GO

so they moved to Holland!

WAIT NO THEY DIDN’T

that was their plan. they did not move to holland actually. it didn’t work whoops.

BASICALLY THEIR PLOT TO LEAVE GOT DISCOVERED AND THEY WERE THROWN IN PRISON. ACTUALLY A LOT OF PEOPLE GOT THROWN IN JAIL.

so there was another attempt to leave but it failed again

THEN THEY JUMPED ON A SHIP AND LEFT YEP.

but the authorities stopped the women and children???? wat

THEN THEY GOT LET GO LATER YAY AND EVERYONE WENT TO AMSTERDAM ABOUT THE SAME TIME JOHN SMYTH WAS THERE.

and then about 100 moved to Leiden. In Holland. And even though it wasn’t home, they had religious freedom. Which was nice.

THINGS STARTED TO STOP GOING AS SMOOTHLY AS THEY WANTED IT TO, THOUGH.

The people worked in factories instead of on farms. And they started. Like. Turning. Dutch. Instead of English. Which nobody liked.

AND BREWSTER WAS KIND OF IN TROUBLE FOR WRITING AND SENDING RELIGIOUS STUFF OVER TO ENGLAND.

whoops

SO THE SEPARATISTS DECIDED TO RELOCATE

they kinda just sailed over to america then and it wasn’t that bad.

BREWSTER WAS THE GUY WHO KINDA LED THE THING.

some merchants provided a boat called the Speedwell and failed over to England.

ROBINSON STAYED IN HOLLAND.

so they were in england and some Strangers (capitalized) were like HAY CAN WE COME WITH

BY THE WAY, STRANGERS ARE BASICALLY ADVENTUROUS BUSINESSMEN

this weird group over here were called the pilgrims. and theres something here not like fitting right ok

BUT ANYWAY THEY STARTED OUT WITH TWO BOATS. THE SPEEDWELL AND THE MAYFLOWER.

but you’ve probably never heard of the speedwell have you. have you. have you?

NO. YOU HAVEN’T. THAT’S BECAUSE IT WAS OLD AND BASICALLY “LOLNOPE”

so just the mayflower went

BUT MOST PEOPLE GOT ALONG PRETTY WELL

and after 65 days at sea they saw land

LAND LANDLANDNLANDLNAL LAND LAND LAND LANDLANDLAND LAND LANDLANDNLANDLAND

• LAND
• lAnD
• laND
• LAND
• LANDLANDlandakandkWASKDJFHLAND

yeah they found some land

in massetchuses or however you spell it

INSTEAD OF VIRGINIA, WHERE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO LAND. BUT THE SHORE WAS REALLY ROCKY AND WINDY AND STUFF.

and so some guys signed the Mayflower Compact. Which said they were going to be “Self governed.”

“SELF GOVERNED”

and since they weren’t in Virginia, they weren’t under Virginia laws.

THEY NEEDED TO MAKE SOME LAWS THEN.

and so they wrote some and there was this guy they elected to be their first governer.

HIS NAME WAS JOHN CARVER.

and the Mayflower Compact being signed doesn’t really sound like a big deal??????

YEAH IT IS. IT REALLYREALLY IS. REALLY REALLY REALLY IS OK. IT WAS A BIGIBIGBIGBIGBGIGIGBIG DEAL YO. SRS BZNZ

the serparatists did

NOT IMPOSE THEIR FAITH AND RELIGION ON THE STRANGERS AND THE STRANGERS DID NOT FORCE THE SEPARATISTS INTO ANYTHING.

these people know what they’re doing.

SO THERE’S THIS GUY.

His names was Myles Standish. And he met the Separatists back in Lieden.

AND THEY VOTED HIM TO BE THE FIRST CAPTAIN.

but he wasn’t very good at native americans

MEANING HE KILLED THEM.

anyway after like 5 weeks he finally found a nice place for everyone to settle down

AND THEY DID SO.

the official date of their landing was December 26th, 1620.

THERE’S A ROCK AT PLYMOUTH WHERE A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY THEY LANDED.

and unlike Jamestown, everyone was working nice and hard and stuff which is good

WINTER WAS REALLY HARD THOUGH BECAUSE EVERYBODY GOT SICK EXCEPT FOR 7 OF THEM LIKE SERIOUSLY THATS 102 PEOPLE MINUS SEVEN THAT’S SICK.

and 42 people died whoops

SO THERE WAS THIS INDIAN NAMED “SAMOSET”

and he said “welcome englishmen welcome englishmen”

JUST LIKE THAT AND THEY’RE LIKE “WAT”

because he was speaking english

AND HE BROUGHT THEM THIS GUY SQUANTO WHO SPOKE ENGLISH PRETTY WELL

and then he brought them the chief yep. he was nice though it’s cool calm yoself nothing bad happens

AND THIS GUY SQUANTO IS REALLY IMPORT AND WE’RE GONNA HAVE A WHOLE POST ON HIM HE’S PRETTY KICKIN

and in april of 1621 their governor died.

AND BRADFORD GOT TO BE THE NEW GOVERNOR AND HE WAS REALLY GOOD AT IT OK

well yeah

THE END????

HEY LOOK THESE PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO COUNT UNLIKE THE 100 YEARS WAR PEOPLE

ok thiss is a long one BRACE YOURSELVES.

Because this was a war. A complicated one. With lots of nations and lots of fighting and balauhaluhah.

IT’S CALLED THE 30 YEARS WAR.

and basically the Catholics and the Protestants had a big fight.

and this is not one of those stupid ones where it’s like OK THIS WAR IS CALLED THE THIS-IS-HOW-LONG-IT-LASTED WAR BUT NOT REALLY. It actually did last 30 years yay.

Started in 1618. Guess when it ended.

OK SO LET’S TALK ABOUT THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE FOR A SEC.

The HRE wasn’t even actually a country. It was just. This area. And it had a bunch of countries which just kinda fell under the rule of this one government. THOSE WERE. AUSTRIA, BOHEMIA, FRANCHE-COMTE (whut.), GERMANY, LORRIANE, LUXEMBOURG, MORAVIA, SWITZERLAND, AND A PART OF HUNGARY. so basically that whole general area over there ok.

AND FOR ALMOST 400 YEARS THE HRE JUST KINDA HAD ONE FAMILY IN CHARGE. The Hapsburgs. this is important yo remember this.

and ANYWAY THE 30 YEARS WAR STARTED HERE IN BOHEMIA.

the people got angry and started throwing their officials out the windows.

welp.

i. welp. i. this seems like a good idea let’s just throw our elected officials out of windows that will solve ALL OUR PROBLEMS

oh by the way this happened twice.

SO THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE. SOME PROTESTANTS. AND SOME CALVINISTS. AND THEY DIDN’T LIKE THEIR CATHOLIC PEOPLE. SO THEY ALL JUST KINDA. THREW THEM OUT OF WINDOWS. ALONG WITH THEIR KING. Because he wanted to shut down their churches.

yep.

by the way everyone who got thrown out of windows lived. The Catholics said it was because of Divine Intervention. The Protestants said it was because they landed in manure.

i cant

AND THIS WAS CALLED THE DEFENESTRATION OF PRAGUE.

AND THEN A WAR HAPPENED. Because the elected officials were not happy being thrown out of windows.

war happened and the people were not happy with anyone so they just got their own king. And they were gonna replace the old king (Ferdinand) with their king (Frederick).

but so after he was kicked out he got elected to be the Holy Roman Emire.

WHAT.

So as emperor, Ferd (The new Holy Roman Emperor) ordered that Fred (The King of Bohemia) get off the throne.

Fred said no.

So Ferd sent an army of 25,000 men to make Fred not say no.

So Ferd just kinda. Made Bohemia Catholic again.

AND IF IT STOPPED HERE, THEN THERE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN A WAR.

but no. word spread that the new emperor did NOT like Protestants. And people started freaking out. And people started just talking bad out each other and then people started just straight up fighting and then THE DANISH INVASION.

So the King of Denmark. And his name was Christian IV. Chris. And Denmark wasn’t actually a part of the Holy Roman Empire. BUT THEY WERE STILL FREAKING OUT BECAUSE THEY WERE RIGHT THERE NEXT TO IT.

And they were Lutherans. And Chris just kinda led 20,000 men off to war.

yep.

Also Chris had to deal with the other guy named Tilly (ok no lie) who had that army of 25,000 who got Fred off the throne.

Chris also had to deal with THE BEST GENERAL FERD HAD named Wallenstien. Pronounced with a V. VALLENSTIEN.

He also had a really weird mix of Protestants and Catholics in his army, but he was a Jesuit so?????

Chris couldn’t really compete. So he gave up.

so he signed a treaty so he could stay king of Denmark.

AND AGAIN, THE WAR COULDA JUST ENDED.

But some Catholics came all whiny to Ferd like THESE PROTESTANTS STOLE OUR PLACE and he was like “OK PROTESTANTS YOU GIVE BACK EVERYTHING YOU TOOK AND ALSO ALL THIS STUFF.”

it did not go exactly as planned.

SO THE SWEDISH. They also were not part of the HRE????? But they also were really close????

So this guys named Gustavus Adolphus. he wa

kay hold up

THE HECK SORT OF NAME I CANT JUST I WHAT AWHAKWJETKDFG ok back to business

HE WAS THE KING OF SWEDEN. And he also had an army. WITH GUNS. New guns. Faaaancy guns.

So this Gustavus guy was pretty cool. He was like “OK WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT BRO” and he pretty much let whoever he conquered have whatever religion they wanted.

SO YOU REMEMBER TILLY.

He defeated that army.

and then Wall.

who he met.

AND THERE WAS A BIG FIGHT OK.

a big big big fight

and the Swedes were way outnumbered

BUT THEY WON ANYWAY

BUT THEIR KING DIED

welp.

OK NOW THERE’S STILL MORE.

AND FRANCE JUST DECIDED THEY’D GET THEIR BUSINESS ALL UP IN EVERYTHING

because they’re stupid ahohnonohoho stupid french

this is backwards

OK ANYWAY THIS GUY RICHELIEU.

He was this guy for the Roman Catholic Church. And he was in charge of running France because the king was a little boy. And for some reason he was supporting the Protestants?????

Because the war wasn’t about religion anymore. It was mostly power.

Rich was a cool guy. He didn’t try to take away any rights from the Protestants or anything.

AND HE JUST DIDN’T WANT THE HAPSBURGS TO TAKE OVER FRANCE BASICALLY. So he gave some support to the Swedish Protestant army.

SO ANYWAY FERDINAND APPARENTLY JUST NONCHALANTLY GOT OFF THE THRONE OR DIED OR SOMETHING? IT DOESN’T SAY BUT NOW HIS SON IS ON THE THRONE.

Ferdinand III. Nice name.

And he wanted peace too!

And the Germans were just like GUIZ STOP FIGHTING PLEASE OMG. because people just totally messed up germany nice goin guys

AND THE DECISION WAS MADE TO HOLD A MEETING BUT EVERYBODY HATED EACH OTHER.

and this meeting took like forever beacuse it took like 6 months (no lie) for everyone to figure out where to sit.

THE HECK GUYS /YOU ARE ADULTS/

anyway

after like FOUR YEARS they signed this treaty. Except for the Pope. and some other stupid people.

SO A COUPLE OF THINGS WERE DECIDED.

The Calvinists were given equal rights. Yay!


Sweden was given access to some rivers. So they could stay in the trade business.


France was given some land.

YEP.

THREE THINGS THE WAR DID TO EUROPE.

1: IT SCREWED IT WAY UP.

2: A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THOUGHT ABOUT PACKING UP AND LEAVING GOING THE NEW WORLD.

3: A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ALSO SAID “FORGET EVERYTHING” and just didnt religion because OF STUPID PEOPLE LIKE THIS.

yep.

that was long.

and ended abruptly.

yeah.

lol idk how do i titles anymore

ok so you guys remember Pocahontas right.

OF COURSE YOU DO. HOW COULD YOU NOT.

Well she got married.

but actually she got kidnapped and married and then she had a baby

welp.

OK LETS RECAP

POCAHONTAS WAS A PRETTY PRINCESS

but actually not we’re not sure if she actually had that title

also pocahontas was actually her nickname which means “The Spoiled One” or “The Playful One”

so she wasn’t really princess like whoops

SO IT’S 1609. John Smith (Not Smyth.) got exploded almost so he got shipped back to England. But he was alive k. And then some jerks were like “HEY POCAHONTAS UR BOIFRUNDS DED”

i have no idea why.

AND THEN IN 1613 SOME STUFF WENT DOWN YO

there was this dude named Samuel Argall who bribed these people with a pot? He told them to get Pocahontas on his ship and they were like “K”

SO Sam just kinda decided to use her for a ransom deal thing.

however this didn’t really go over too well.

Because the chief, Pocahontas’ daddy, was like “NO I’M NOT PAYIN U NUFFIN BRO KEEP HER.”

so pocahontas just chilled with the people. Got moved around a bit. Got taught English and some basic Christian stuff. They were actually pretty nice to her ish?

She was also baptised. And she took the English name of Rebecca.

ok this is not how disney went and i dont really think anybody wanted it to go down this road??????

Except for Pocahontas/Rebecca, of course.

ALSO SHE GOT MARRIED. To John Rolfe. she pretty much only married him so se get get freedom lulz welp

but he did love her so that’s really nice because he wrote love letters and all of those sweet things aaaaaaaa

Also her dad was like “NUUUUU” and did not attend the wedding

AND THEN THEY HAD A BABY BOY

his name was thomas

He was probably a really pretty baby ok i’m just sayin i yeah ok.

And then John decided to take POCAHONTAS (shes still pocahontas to me k) to England. And their baby.

So Pocahontas also got 12 Indians to piggyback along with her.

SO SHE GOT TO ENGLAND And she was nice and wore heels and BIG PRETTY FRILLY DRESSES OK I LOVE THOSE K THE BIG FRILLY DRESSES WITH ALL THE FANCY OK sorrry ignore me ahaahaha

BUT She basically went along “When in Rome, do as the Romans” business.

also apparently she ran into john smith once whoops that must have been rlly rlly awk ahaha yeah awkward turtle “Uhm you got married and had a kid. “Uhm I thought you were dead.”.

BUT when they were gonna go back to England, she got sick. And she was only 20 or 21 and she got really really sick so she just stayed in England. And died. And was buried there.

Thomas and John Rolfe went back to America, but then they got in a fight with the indians where Pocahontas was from welp

yep

well

the best ending ever right here yep.

WELP THIS IS KINDA A LAME POST WHOOPS?

so apparently this dude was pretty controversial.

cool beans yo.

SO SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SAY THAT WE WAS THE FOUNDER OF THE BAPTIST DENOMINATION.

Whelp.

THIS DUDE IS NAMED JOHN SMYTH.

smyth.

yep.

SO ANYWAY WHO WAS THIS JOHN GUY.

He was an ordained pastor for the Anglican Church. The Church of England. The Church Henry VIII thought it would be a great idea to make to get rid of his wife. Even though his daughter Elizabeth was actually the one who really build the foundation for it.

so kay hang tight let’s talk bout some stuff.

IN THIS ANGLICAN CHURCH. There are two factions. Puritans and Separatists.

Puritans thought the Church needed to be fixed, basically. Basically they iconoclasts. DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. REMEMBER THAT. ICONOCLASTS. GO SEARCH UP ON HERE “Iconoclast Controversy” BECAUSE I WROTE ABOUT IT. COOL STUFF YOU GUYS. actually it was really bad lul w/e CHECK IT.

And the Separatists just were like SCREW EVERYTHING LET’S START OUR OWN CHURCH. they were persecuted. a lot. wonder why.

BTW NEITHER OF THEM ACTUALLY CALLED THEMSELVES PURITANS AND SEPARATISTS. that was a mean thing people like to call them who were neither puritans nor separatists.

AND TO COMPLICATE THINGS because things are a lot better complicated am i right THE SEPARATISTS ALSO WERE CALLED INDEPENDANTS, CONGREGATIONALISTS, AND BORWNITES.

and basically i threw all that on top of you TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING. That something is that THESE PEEPS ARE REALLY REALLY CONFUSING YOU GUYS.

NOW. WE KNOW WHAT THOSE TWO ARE AND THAT STUFF IS CONFUSING AS MONKEYS.

Now back to John.

He wasn’t very happy. He didn’t really like the church. So he just went and left. And therefore guess what people thought he was.

A SEPARATIST.

So he just got himself a new church. But it didn’t really go too well. Because they kinda got kicked out. SO THEY WENT TO AMSTERDAM.

which was actually good because it was a lot like the Church the Bible talks about for a lot of reasons i’m not going into because LAZY K IS LAZY WHOOPS except for one thing. The whole baptism thing. You don’t get baptised as a baby, you wait until you get saved and then you get Baptised. That was his belief. And some called him a Baptist and lots of people think he had the first Baptist church.

BUT.

THIS IS REALLY CONTROVERSIAL AND SOME PEOPLE DON’T THINK THIS COUNTS AS A BAPTIST CHURCH. Because of the whole Baptism thing. BUT I’M NOT GONNA GO ON ABOUT IT SO IF YOU’RE SUPER CURIOUS GO GOOGLE IT OR SOMETHIN.

but some people got mad at him due to the whole baptism thing. So they told him to leave. So he did. AND WENT TOOOO A MENNONITE CHURCH.

And then he died.

the end.

"CANADA IS FINE," THEY SAID. "THE WINTER ISN'T BAD," THEY SAID.

SO THIS GUY

Sam. Samuel de Champlian. And this other guy Henry. They went to this magical place BUT HOLD UP

You remember Jacques?

he didn’t really settle in canada.

BUT HE DID SOME TRADING.

and if you lived in Canada (or do live in Canada.) you’re going to want to be warm.

SO HE STARTED A FUR TRADE~!

and this attracted some people

ONE OF THESE PEOPLE BEING SAM.

Sam was probably the most mentally stable person we’re talked about this far.

no u get out

No actually he was a nice guy. And smart. And he wanted to settle in Canada.

K FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE MENTALLY STABLE THING no i’m sorry

He went to this little place called QUEBEC and build some buildings and made a moat. Right about the same time Jamestown was being settled, too.

And only 9 people out of 23 survived the first winter.

WELP.

He tried to meet some of the neighbours.

BUUUUUUT basically because of some reasons he got a lot of people mad at each other whoops.

And one thing that was nice about this guy is that he tried to understand the native Canadians. But that didn’t really work out so he just MADE FRIENDS YAY.

And his country France still wanted to find out HOW TO GET TO ASIA. But they didn’t really know how big Canada was. And also how remote Canada was.

BUT CANADA HAD A BUNCH OF STUFF? which might have been just as valuable as spices. And that was right. And Sam was all exploring and had a nice fur trade going. Most of the fur was Beaver. YAY BEAVERS.

so he chilled out with these people called the Hurons who was pretty cool people i guess.

He also wrote some pretty cool stuff. He was a Protestant Christian and he wanted to convert the indians but I don’t really know how well that worked out??????///?/?

SO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW HE WAS FRENCH?

ENGLAND DOESN’T LIKE FRANCE lolyeshedoesishipit

/cough

ANYWAY

so England just casually sailed over there and took Quebec and took Sam and probably locked him up in the tower of london becAUSE WHERE ELSE.

So Sam is referred to as the Father of new France. which is the French-speaking part of Canada. Well that’s nice.

and then he died. In Canada.

NOW ENGLAND.

They had a Canadaslporer too! Henry. Henry Hudson.

HE MADE 4 JOURNEYS TO CANADA. COUNT THEM ONE TWO THREE FOUR.

The first two were sponsored by this merchant company. Because LET’S GET TO ASIA GUYS.

So he was NOT BEING PUSHED OFF THE ISLAND BY THE GOVERNMENT.

so this first journey.

1607 LOOK A DATE. He only had 10 men on his ship and he sailed off to... China.

They did not make it.

THEY JUST RAN INTO GREENLAND.

So they just went home.

JOURNEY 2.

and on this one he recorded seeing a MERMAID.

which is so legit guys

did you know you can buy your own mermaid tail.

pretty dang awesome am i right. you too can be a mermaid. You can just buy it and put it on and then go swim around in your pool or the ocean note you still can’t breathe underwater oh shoot

get ‘em custom fitted and everything.

and in like 12 colours and you can even buy hand fins like their gloves with webbing between the fingers and face fins which don't do anything but they're pretty and I’M SORRY WHAT AM I DOING BACK TO THE STORY

THIRD VOYAGE.

SO HE WAS SAILING THIS JOURNEY UNDER THE DUTCH EAST INDIAN COMPANY.

WHICH WAS BASICALLY THE NETHERLANDS.

WHICH WAS TREASON.

But henry was like NO SCREW EVERYTHING and did it anyway.

So he sailed from Amsterdam to the north pole??????

To get to China???????

whut.

So he was just like NO FORGET THIS so he went south and hit South Carolina? And then Chesapeake Bay. Then he went north AGAIN and went into the Hudson River! This led him to New York.

Anyway.

FOURTH. VOYAGE.

This ship was called the Discovery and was THE INTERESTING VOYAGE.

Because he was being sponsered by the English. Again. So he went sailing off and kinda nonchalantly went into the Hudson Strait and into the Hudson Bay whee. And his crew was like “Whut.”

because he didn’t have anything to give to the asians to. like. get into their country.

SO MAYBE HE WAS ON A SECRET MISSION?

because he might have been looking for a place to put a port or something. Because he verryyy carefullllyyyy went along the very edge of the shore. and that might have been ok with that if THEY HAD FOOD AND WATER AND WARMTH.

and Henry wouldn’t sail home. And he wouldn’t tell anyone what he was doing.

and then MUTINY.

Because of hopefully obvious reasons.

Now there are stories that say they they lived or something. But there was a rescue mission and nothing was found.

welp.

The crew was arrested when they got home the England.

ahahaha welp.

that was an odd way to end this.

idk my bff john smith old meme is old im sorry for using it BUT I STILL THINK IT'S FUNNY DON'T JUDGE ME

SHIPS. 3 OF THEM.

They were sailing away from England.

TO NORTH AMERICA.

And these three ships carried people. One of the more important of these people is

JOHN SMITH.

Please do note this is not going to be written in the form of narration that has been avoided in the past. Absolutely nothing is going to happen like that. Hopefully. Maybe. We’ll see.

BUT WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT ABOUT THIS JOHN SMITH, WHICH HIS STEREOTYPICAL NAME AND SUCH?

Everything.

ELABORATE, PLEASE.

No.

WHY?

Because I said.

C’MON. I ASKED NICELY.

Ok, fine.
...
...
...
GET ON WITH IT.

Ok, ok, hold your horses.

JOHN SMITH.

He was the one who more or less got everyone who was traveling to North America through the winter.

ALSO, THIS NAME SHOULD SOUND FAMILIAR IF YOU’VE SEEN A CERTAIN DISNEY MOVIE.

Called Pocahontas.

BUT MORE ON THAT LATER.

Who was this

JOHN SMITH?

Well he was born in England. But when he turned 16, he kinda left his house.

FOR ADVENTURE.

He fought some battles, bluh bluh found ships. Three of them. No, not /those/ kind of ships.

THESE KIND OF SHIPS.

No. /These/ kind of ships.

So there was a voyage and John Smith was like “YES.”

AND THEN HE GOT ACCUSED, ABOUT HALF WAY THROUGH THE TRIP. OF PLOTTING MUTINY.

Which he wouldn’t do. Well, maybe he would. But he might or might not have done it. I don’t know.

GET ON WITH ITTT.

Anyway! He kinda got chained up to the wall and he very barely escaped execution. Because to be frank, nobody really liked him and he wasn’t really trusted either.

AND THEN THE SHIP REACHED NORTH AMERICA.

They landed on the coast of Virginia.

WHICH WAS NAMED AFTER ELIZABETH.

The “Virgin” queen.

ANYWAY.

The captain here decided he’d name their settlement Jamestown. Because James was the king.

WHO SENT THEM A SECRET BOX.

Well what was in this box?

IT’S A SECRET!

No ok. It had 7 names. Inside it. The names inside were not to be read until they reached their destination.

AND THESE 7 MEN WHOSE NAMES WERE INSIDE THE SECRET BOX WERE TO GOVERN THE NEW SETTLEMENTS.

Basically there’s this thing. Called Imminent Domain. So if you want to go up and be like “Hey. You. I’m just gonna crash here for a little. I hope you don’t mind. Because you have to let me. Because that’s what it says.”

IT’S KINDA MESSED UP.

But basically that’s what they did to the Indians.

ANYWAY, BACK TO THE NAMES.

Three guesses as to whose name was pulled up.

JOHN.

monkeying.

SMITH.

And everyone, more or less, hated him. He was still in chains for about 2 months after he was elected governor.

NOW AT THIS TIME, A FORM OF SOCIALISM WAS IN PLACE.

The settlers were not getting along.

WHY?

Because not everyone was pulling their weight. And people were suffering for it.

SOCIALISM BASICALLY MEANT EVERYONE ATE FROM A COMMON STORAGE, WEATHER OR NOT THEY ACTUALLY COLLECTED FOOD.

Which is a pretty bad system. Doesn’t it sound like one? It sounds like an ok idea. At least, for those not actually working. However, for those working for the food, it stinks really bad because you tend to

ABSOLUTELY HATE THOSE WHO DON’T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU SUFFER FOR IT BECAUSE THERE IS NOT AS MUCH FOOD FOR EVERYONE.

And a big problem with the system is that

HALF OF THE MONKEYING PEOPLE WERE

“Gentlemen.” And that means they don’t do anything. They don’t plow fields, they don’t harvest food, they don’t really do anything.

SO INSTEAD THEY LAZED AROUND.

And when John Smith got out of confinement, he called for... uhhh...

CHANGE.

First of all, he came in kinda jerkfaced because he had kinda been hated. He was jaded now after accepting the fact that nobody really cared about him and he wasn’t going win any elections anyway. He had nothing to lose.

NOW DUE TO THIS, HIS METHODS WERE A TAD QUESTIONABLE.

And what were they, exactly?

POISONINGS, FLOGGINGS, AND ASSASSINATIONS OF THE TROUBLEMAKERS.

Well that’s nice. He pretty much understood that everyone would have to do stuff for them all to survive.

AND HE FINALLY MADE A POLICY THAT SAID, “YOU DON’T WORK, YOU DON’T EAT.”

Socialism was out. Which was a good thing. Because nobody had to be mad at anybody except for John Smith!

AND PRIVATE LABOUR IS A FORM OF CAPITALISM.

Which is what we have in America. Sorta. It’s sort of an odd mixture of Socialism and Capitalism.

ALSO, IT’S GOOD TO NOTE THAT JAMESTOWN WAS IN A SWAMP.

Which means mosquitoes. And if you’ve ever been in, you know, anywhere, you know that mosquitoes are probably born in the bowels of Hell or something. Because mosquitoes suck.

MOVING ON.

People were not dying! Malaria, Typhoid fever, Dysentery, oh my!

TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, IF YOU ARE UNDER 500, HAVE HEART OR STOMACH CONDITIONS, ARE PREGNANT, OR ARE HUMAN, DO NOT GOOGLE ANY OF THESE DISEASES.

SERIOUSLY.

So!

John Smith decided to get help with the Indians. Because they know how to fix this stuff. Maybe. And there were about 18,000 Indians living around that area.

AND THIS CHIEF.

He never really trusted the settlers, but he kinda sucked it up and dealt with it.

AND THIS LED TO NONE OTHER THAN POCAHONTAS.

She was the chief’s daughter. And according to John Smith’s version of the story, He was about to be killed by the chief and then Pocahontas showed up. She was like “nooo” And so the chief stopped. Yay.

SO APPARENTLY, DISNEY KINDA SCREWED THAT ONE UP.

Anyway. Over the next few months, Pocahontas was tight with the peeps.

HOWEVER, THE CHIEF WAS STILL KINDA NERVOUS.

herpderp. They had to get a bunch of gifts for the chief to even get some corn from him. Like, he got some bling. He got a bed. He got a cape. He got a sink-thing. Bluhbluh.

AND THEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED TO JOHN.

He was hurt. Because he was walking around with some gunpowder.

AND IT BLEW UP.

herpderp. So he went back to England so he wouldn’t die.

AND WHEN HE LEFT, GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?

Stuff in Jamestown started going downhill. Because this new ship had come and people started getting lazy and angry. And they didn’t come with enough food and then winter and people starting dying and bluh bluh.

THE WINTER CAME WITH 500 SETTLERS. THE WINTER ENDED WITH 60.

That means 440 people died.

THEN THIS GUY CAME.

His name was Thomas West. Thomas West de La Ware.

AND YOU HAVE THREE GUESSES AS TO WHAT STATE WAS NAMED AFTER HIM.

Anyway. He helped everyone out a lot, and he helped them raise pigs, tobacco, corn, and other stuff. They sent stuff back and forth between England and their settlement. Which meant more settlers. Which meant more women.

ONE SHIP WAS REALLY IMPORTANT.

Because it carried 40 women. And only 40 women. 40 young, educated, hard working women.

Which didn’t just mean. Uhh. More settlers. It also meant that everyone started working a lot harder, because people weren’t going to marry the lazy people. They were going to marry the ones who were out in the fields, hard working, and had all the pigs and tobacco and corn and bluh bluh.

THE RIGHT OF REPRESENTATION. FREE ENTERPRISE. PRIVATE BUSINESS.

The Right of Representation means that the people had a voice in what went on in, uhh, everything. And in 1619 there was a representative body called the House of Burgesses.

OH MY GOSH LOOK AT THAT I USED A DATE AND BIG WORDS.

So what does this mean? Well, they met to make laws. On the basis of representation.

AND AS GOOD AS ALL THIS SOUNDS, BASICALLY SOME STUFF WAS GOIN DOWN.

Free Enterprise and private business and all that jazz had a few problems. Some of the Europeans didn’t exactly

GIVE A MONKEY ABOUT THE INDIANS.

Well, some probably did care. But that was the minority. The very very small minority. And every pasture that was used? That was cleared of people. And animals. And everything. It took away hunting ground, to took away people, bluh bluh bad stuff.

AND WHAT DO YOU NEED IN ORDER TO FARM?

People to work the farm! Annnd guess who worked the farm?

SLAVES.

Now the obvious people to be the slaves were the Indians. But the Indians really didn’t want to be slaves. So the Europeans kinda gave that up. So they went over here to Africa and took some people from there.

NOW REAL QUICK. I AM NOT BEING RACIST. DON’T CALL ME A RACIST. OR CALL ME ONE. I DON’T REALLY CARE WHAT YOU CALL ME. THIS IS NOT AN ATTACK AGAINST AFRICAN AMERICANS OR STRAIGHT UP AFRICANS. THIS IS HISTORY. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED. I AM NOT THE ONE WHO ENSLAVED YOU OR YOUR ANCESTORS. MY ANCESTORS DID IT. THEIR BAD. NOT MINE. END OF STORY. OR MAYBE NOT EVEN MY ANCESTORS CONSIDERING WE’RE NOT DUTCH I'M PRETTY SURE WE CAME OVER HERE FROM LIKE WALES OR SOMETHING. WE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE OWNED SLAVES. I DON’T KNOW. ACTUALLY WE PROBABLY DID BECAUSE EVERYONE DID. SORRY. THAT WAS THE WORLD THEY LIVED IN. THIS IS THE WORLD WE LIVE IN. IF IT BOTHERS YOU TO READ ABOUT THIS, I KINDLY ASK THAT YOU DON’T. BECAUSE WE WILL BE TALKING MORE ABOUT SLAVERY LATER.



So! The King of England made Virginia a royal colony. Foreshadowingggg~

AND NOW WE HAVE A CLIFFHANGER.

Bum

BUM.

Bummm!

WOW GUYS UHM I WOW. DANG. WOW. WOWOWOWHAWEHKTAWJELK

HI WOW GUYS.

UHM.

So this is my 100th post.

Dang.

...Wow.

This blog has been going for what I want to say has been a little over a year now. Right now, we only have 14 followers on blogger, but do you know how many we have on Facebook?

NINETY TWO.

WOW GUYS UHM IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW NINETY TWO IS A REALLY BIG NUMBER WOW. AND SO IS 100.

AND I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE A GIF PARTY.

EPILEPSY WARNING I GUESS.

YEAH WOW UHM

THAT UH WOW.

THANKS. Thanks. Just. Thank you. Thanks to everyone who follows on here, who liked the facebook page, and just everyone who reads this. Thank you guys. A lot has changed in one year, but I'm still here. And. Wow. Yeah.

Thanks.











You know, maybe I should do this every 100 posts.

WITTY TITLE YEP

SO BASICALLY WE’VE COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY LEFT AUSTRALIA OUT OF EVERYTHING.

Because I don’t know why.

WELL NOW I DO. BECAUSE IT TOOK THEM UNTIL 1605 TO FIND IT.

This guy was named Willem. It’s like William. But it’s not. Willem Janszoon. Which is so much fun to say.

BUT SO.

Willem was the guy who found Australia. He was probably born in the Netherlands, and he decided he’d take a little trip over to the East Indies. And when he got there, he was told to keep going East to New Geneau. Gengue. Genua. Whatever.

FOR GOLD.

Which he never found.

BUT INSTEAD HE FOUND AUSTRALIA.

He hit New Genuea, and then he just kinda turned his ship around to go to Australia.

Why?

I don’t know.

BUT HE WAS THE FIRST KNOWN EUROPEAN TO STEP FOOT ON THE CONTINENT.

But then he left because it was scary and the people were mean.

SO NOW WE’RE GONNA TALK ABOUT STRAIGHT UP AUSTRALIA. NOT A PERSON. NOT A RULER. THE CONTINENT COUNTRY THING.

It is the 6th largest country, and the outback is 2/3rds part of that.

AND THE OUTBACK HAS A ROCK. A BIG GIANT ONE. A 1,042 FOOT HIGH ROCK.

tadaa~

To the EAST there are SNOWY MOUNTAINS.
To the WEST there are BEAUTIFUL BEACHES.

ok we are not starting with that again

BUT.

KANGAROOS.

And other marsupials. They’re like. Bird Mammal things when it comes to babies.

KANGAROOS. KOALAS. WOMBATS. WALLABEES. BANDACOOTS.

AND PLATYPUSES.

AND ECHIDNAS.

Now real quick.

Hang on.

ECHIDNAS ARE MAMMALS. ECHIDNAS LAY EGGS. PLATYPUSES ALSO LAY EGGS.

PLATYPUSES ARE NOT THE ONLY MAMMALS TO LAY EGGS.

/cough

moving on.

WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE?

Aborigines!

They were like Australia’s Indian’s. They had some weird religion shtuffs, which I’m not going in to because it scares me.

ALSO!

They didn’t really fight much. Which is a good thing.

And they ate bugs. Which is kinda disgusting but whatever floats your boat. Or lack thereof considering there’s like NO WATER ANYWHERE in Australia. And they made Boomerangs and all that good stuff. AND DIDGERIDOOS.

A video of which I will post when I find one.

AND SUDDENLY EUROPEANS.

AND WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED WHEN THEY SHOWED UP?

BAD STUFF.

Basically everyone got mad at each other and started killing people and getting sick and bluh bluh.

And basically they all died except for like some.

And now only 2 or 3% of the population is Aboriginal. Which is sad.

SO THIS POST IS GOING TO END IN AN AWKWARD, ABRUPT MANNER.

JUST.

LIKE.

UH,,,

THIS.

THIS POST IS KINDA DERP BUT STILL

So basically Spain is outta the race. Was outta the race. Bluh bluh whatever. Because basically England beat the stink outta Spain.

AND OH MY WORD.

DON QUIXOTE.

OK SO YOU GUYS MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF IT BUT OH MAN.

It was a book.

And basically he’s insane. And it’s beautiful. Not really. It’s hilarious though. Go read it. Right now.

AND WHO WROTE THIS BOOK?

This guy. His name was Miguel Cervantas. Cer.... vantas.... carvantas... k-

ok nevermind we’re not going down that road again.

BUT ANYWAYS. He wasn’t really one a dem lerned people. Just a soldier against the Turks for five years. And in the battle of Lepanto, he got a big giant gash on his left hand. And basically he and his bro got kidnapped. And sold as slaves. And it just so happened that Miguel had some ~important letters~ and the pirates thought he was one of those really important people. So his mom and sisters started selling ALL the things to get money, but it took 5 years to get enough for the ransom to free him.

dude.

SO.

HE GOT OUT OF SLAVERY. THAT’S NICE.

And he started writing! I mean, he had a few poems published but nothing big. And then he wrote a romance novel for his girlfriend? It wasn’t very popular with anyone but her, but they got married. That’s sweet. And then the girl adopted one of his illegitimate kids?

wat.

ok but so.

He was kinda unlucky with his writing. For about 25 years. starving hipster artist person.

So he was working for the Spanish Armada for a little. And then it got sunk. So he was outta work.

And then he went to jail!

Because he was so in debbbbt.

AND THEN HE WROTE THIS LITTLE THINGY.

OR BIG THINGY.

IT’S ACTUALLY A REALLY LONG BOOK.

But what was it ABOUT.

IT'S ABOUT DON QUIXOTE.

Don is pretty insane. He was also obsessed with knights. He was like.

A scary geeknerdu who thinks everything is real no matter what AND THAT HE IS A KNIGHT AND EVERYONE IS A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS.

So he got his hands on some armour?

And he wore it. And walked around. And he had a lance. And basically everyone was pretty scared of him because he eventually starts attacking innocent bystanders. He got himself a squire somehow. And basically his “squire” was a practical realist.

how did this even happen.

ANYWAY.

Miguel published the first half of the book. It was good.

AND THEN HE WAITED.

HE WAITED A LONGGG TIME FOR THE SECOND HALF.

He waited 10 monkeying years to publish the second half.

oh my word ok that's a long time how does 10 years feel waiting for an update wow

10 years.

OK.

Now. I’ll stop the pointless wallowing in confusion.

But basically this has no point at all besides I’m obligated to do this post apparently?

also read this book.

read it.

get a translation though. because it’s impossible unless you speak old.

so yeah awkward post ahahaha /casuallyends

HEY LOOK IT'S BACON LET'S USE THIS TO BUNP DOWN THAT AWKWARD POST ABOUT JAPAN OK GUYS OK.

NOMNOMNOMNOM.

MNOMNOM.

NOMITYNOM.

moar bacon.

This guy. This last name is Bacon.

FRANCIS BACON.

So you guys remember the Renaissance? Of course you do. WELL IT’S OVER NOW. Not really. It’s about to be. But not yet.

Francis Bacon was from England. And he was homeschooled. And when he was 12 he went to college.

Now doesn’t that make you feel good about yourself?

And then he went to law school!

While good old Elizabeth was alive, he had a few positions in the government. And he was one of the ones who voted to kill Bloody Mary. Well isn’t that nice.

And law was nice and all, but you know what he really liked?

PHILOSOPHY.

I know what I know if you know what I mean.

ANYWAY.

Like, he really liked philosophy. He loved Philosophy. He and philosophy went on multiple dates, had a meaningful relationship, he proceeded to propose to philosophy in a beautiful sentimental way, they got married, had kids, and lived a wonderful life together.

not really.

ON THEN HE GOT KNIGHTED.

And his wife philosophy was so proud.

well not really because philosophy is not a person but just go with it.

THEN HE WROTE A BOOK.

Called The Advancement of Learning. Which brought him a lot of fame. And to be frank, he was annoyed at these geniuses who were like ROME AND GREECE WERE THE BEST THING SINCE EVER. And Francis was like “no.”

Because he thought the answers was science and learning and bad grammar which bluh bluh bluh what am i doing.

THE SCIENCE. AND THE LEARNING. THESE WERE THE IMPORTANT THINGS. YOU CAN LEARN THIS, SO YOU CAN LEARN THIS, AND THEN YOU LEARN THIS SO YOU CAN LEARN THIS.

Does this make sense?

Yeah sure let’s go with that.

ALSO I FEEL THE NEED TO TELL YOU THAT HE SAID “KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.”

BECAUSE THAT’S IMPORTANT.

And he got married! He was 45 though. And it wasn’t for love.

herpderp.

But he got promoted! Twice. He was “The Lord Keeper of the Great Seal.” Which sounds awesome.

He also got another long list of titles which I’m not going into. But he was pretty awesome. And rich. And he spoiled himself like a prince.

WHICH MEANS ALL THE DEBT. And then he got in trouble. He was taking bribes from people, which was a very bad thing. And it was true. He said so. “I ACCUSE YOU OF TAKING BRIBES.” “Eeeeyup.”

AND WHERE DO PEOPLE GO WHENEVER SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS? THE TOWER OF LONDON. But he got out after four days because he was tight with King James. Like, the King James.

NOW.

After this embarrassment, he pretty much put himself into philosophy because he wasn’t allowed to be in government anymore. He wrote a few books and all that good stuff. Sorta I guess. He wrote one of those book essay things and stuff, but he also wrote stuff like Utopia. Except he had Atlantis.

No.

Not that Atlantis.

This is a different Atlantis I guess? I don’t know. This is all science though. I don’t think it says anything about it sinking though.

And he had an idea.

HE WANTED TO CATALOGUE ALL THE THEORIES.

He had all the theories. All of them.

Well not really but ok whatever.

AND HE WAS GONNA EXPLAIN THE UNIVERSE.

He thought big. Just... you know. Just a little. And as much as he loved science...

he wasn’t very good at it.

He spent a whoooole lotta time just thinking about it and writing about it. He didn’t do much. He just kinda sat there.

JUST.

LIKE.

PINTEREST.

“OH MY WORD LOOK AT ALL OF THIS IT’S SO AWESOME GONNA DO THIS STUFF ON THE WEEKEND!”

And then you spend allllllllll weekend surfing Pinterest more. And you say the same thing. GONNA GET STUFF DONE not really ever what am i doing with my life.

THIS RIGHT HERE IS NOT HOW THE AGE OF REASON WENT.

The age of Reason was like Pinterest. It was like people that pinned their own stuff on Pinterest. And they did everything on it. They like got to the beginning of Pinterest and did all the things. All of them. And the Renaissance kinda backed out.

And that sounds pretty nice, right?

Eh.

Wellll.

You see, people in the Age of Reason were like “WE HAVE PINTEREST SCIENCE WE DON’T NEED GOD”

which was/is sad.

FRANCIS DID NOT AGREE WITH THIS.

which was/is good.

He didn’t really have the best morals or anything, but he still thought that religion and science were like. buddies.

BUT THEN HE DIED IN THE SNOW WITH A CHICKEN.

It was a failed science experiment, basically.

So uh yeah that ended pretty abruptly but i cant do anything about it so go surf pinterest or something and pretend this never happened.

TOTEMO KAWAII U GUYS (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ HAVE SOME SPARKLES XDDD

OMG THIS LESSON IS GONNA BE SO TOTEMO KAWAII DESU NE YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA

BECAUSE JAPAN MAKES MY KOKORO GO DOKI DOKI DOKI DESU X333

erwait.

wait.

hang on.

what was that.

NO.

no way.

Japan kinda blocked off everyone from the everything.

Meaning they became isolationists. like, they closed off the entire country from the rest of the world.

JUSTLIKEHOMESCHOOLERS

wait, what was that?

I think it was the wind.

ANYWAYS SO I GUESS JAPAN WAS KINDA DANDERE FOR A LITTLE BIT TOTALLY NOT SUGOI GUYS (┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻

and that is really really important. Because they didn’t have a Protestant Reformation like EVERYONE ELSE. Because they didn’t know. Because bluh.

BUT WHAT WENT ON WITH JAPAN BEFORE THIS?!?!??!!?!1?

Who remembers who inhabitied Japan in the ancient times?

Ok good because I sure don’t.

THE AINU.

i nu that.

BA DUM TSS.

Then the first emperor!

Then the Yamato clan took over!

Then there was a big war. Until Prince Shotoku kinda took over and he kinda fixed some stuff.

And then Shoguns and Samurai. There was an emperor but he didn’t realy do anything. He just kinda was there. He didn’t do anything.

LOL BAKA GAIJIN ¬_¬

But so now we’re after that part.

WHY DID THEY STOP THE EVERYTHING THOUGH?

Because there was this guy. Named Tokugawa. Well he was actually Ieyasu. His name was Tokugawa Ieyasu, but it was like a regular name but flipped around. So his last name was actually Tokugawa but it came first.

PERFECT SENSE DESU THATS TOTEMO KAWAII I UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I LIKE TO PRETEND I'M JAPANESE WHEN I'M ACTUALLY AMERICAN BUT SHHHH DON'T TELL ANYONE XDDD

But this little kawai desu suteki moe shota lolli boy man girl child lived his life in captivity.

No man I’m serious this is like the saddest story everr ಥnಥ

He was in captivity until he was 15. Like, from 6 to 15. THAT’S LIKE FOREVERR.

Anyway he pretty much took over Japan. tee hee omg yandere bishies make my kokoro go doki doki no lie you guys (☉‿☉✿)

AND HE GOT TO BE A SHOGUN!

But he was 60. And he was nasty and old. And nobody really liked him but they respected him. And he sloooowlyyyy kinda cloooosed the couuuntryyy. Because he was afraid of westerners, apparently.

herpderpderp.

He was also scared that their class system would unravel.

andloosinghispowerbuthekindahidthatpart.

AND THEN HE MADE IT ILLEGAL TO MAKE IT CHRISTIAN IN JAPAN.

And what happens when you’re a Christian and it’s illegal?

YOU DIE.

THAT’S WHAT.

And a lot did die. And some where just shooshed. And the spread of Christianity was stopped. Only one port was open to outside traders, but then it got closed. And then they banned books from the outside.

THE HECK.

Basically, the islands started kinda competing against each other to be better. Not like war stuffs, but like “WE HAVE TO BETTER ANIMUUUU” “NO WE HAVE THE BETTER.” “NO WE DO.” “NO NO NO” and basically there was a really big middle class because no more export no more import. Economy awesome. Everyone is happy. And do you know what happens when everyone is happy, has money, and they get bigger and better stuff?

THEY HAVE BABY.

they all have baby.

the baby triple the population.

the baby crowded the population.

the population cannot feed the baby.

ALL OF THE RICE. ALL OF IT. And what do you need for rice? FARMERS. And even though they were poor, they were second to nobility.

ha ha ha wat.

WELL LET’S SAY YOU KNOW YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO THE SUCCESS OF THE COUNTRY. However, you are rice dirt poor. YOU’RE GONNA WANT SOME MORE MONEY, WILL YOU NOT?

Anyway, so basically the working class was frowned upon, which is really sad because they were the majority.

IN OTHER NEWS, THIS WAS ALSO KINDA A GOLDEN AGE.

kinda i guess.

NINJAS.

NINJAS.

NINNNNJASSS.

NINJAS ARE THE BEST THEY ARE BETTER THAN PIRATES AND WE WIN U BAKA GAIJIN OK WE ARE SO MUCH BETTER AND NINJAS RULE AND PIRATES STINK NO SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS NEED TO TAKE A BATH

They were hired to do ninjas stuff. like spy and fight and assassinate stuff.

AND YES THERE WERE GIRL NINJAS AND I AM ONE I’M LIVING PROOF.

And in the day there were totally normal people.

EXCEPT THEY HAD STUFF LIKE IRON SPIKES AND KATANAS AND STARS AND OTHER SMALL AWESOME OBJECTS UNDER THEIR CLOTHES ALL THE TIME JUST LIKE ME BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST THAT SUGIO DESU

Anyway.

Ninjas may still actually exist today. I mean pirates do too but those don’t count.

Now in this period, Japan also developed ORIGAMI.

which is impossible.

They also had big giant puppets.

Giant.

Puppets.

o(≧▽≦)o OMG I HOPE THEY HAD KAWAII NEKO ONES THATD BE SO SUGIO DESU!!!!

And kites. Big giant kites. Which is better and less scary than big giant puppets.

AND THEY ALSO HAD LITERATURE.

There was a poet. Named Matsuo Basho. AND HE WROTE HAIKUS.

Some Haikus make sense. This one does not make any sense. Refridgerator.

BUT.

BASICALLY JAPAN HAD IT’S OWN CHIBI KAWAII RENNIASANCE DESU.

SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED HERE?

1: I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME AROUND WEEABOOS, EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT ONE MYSELF I PROMISE (☉‿☉✿)

2: ISOLATION IS A GOOD THING.

3: I AM NOT A POET.

4: I AM ALSO REALLY REALLY BAD AT ENDINGS.

and also if this offends any japanese or otaku or weeaboo or whatever the heck you call yourself uhm sorry no offence?

Actually yeah i really meant to offend weeaboos and otaku is kinda derogatory anyway so uhm. yeah.~END OWARI.~

SUPER AWESOME TITLE BRO UHM IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M REFERENCING HERE YOU GET ALLLLLLLL THE BROWNIE POINTS. ALL OF THEM.

YOU GUYS.

YOUGUYSYOUGUYSYOUGUYSYOUGUYS.

GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

Your name is WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. You have many interests, which include POETRY, ACTING, and THE VARIOUS PERFORMING ARTS.

And if you think I’m about to start that narrative style you are dead wrong. Because I can’t do it right or for extended periods to save my life. And if you don’t know what it is then it doesn’t even make any sense.

ANYWAYS.

William Shakespeare was a dropout.

Fo realz.

He dropped out of school and got married at 18 to Anne Hathaway.

But not that Anne Hathaway.

AND THEN SHE GOT PREGGERZ.

With twins. By the way, she was 26.

And then William got arrested.

WHAT IS THIS. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE PROCEEDED TO LEAVE HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN TO MOVE TO LONDON.

Let’s get this straight. William Shakespeare dropped out of school, got some chick preggos, got arrested, left them, and moved away to start acting and writing.

ha ha ha wat.

He made a great deal of moneyz by investing in the theater. Er, a theater. The Globe Theater. Which he helped build. And it’s in London.

BUT THERE’S MORE TO IT THAN THAT.

Some people don’t think that who I just told you was actually THE William Shakespeare.

ha ha ha wat.

Apparently, this guy was not ACTUALLY the William Shakespeare. This guy here was just PRETENDING to be William Shakespeare. The fo realz William Shakespeare went up and was like “hay you take this and and tell people you wrote it ok.”

Because it doesn’t really sound like he’s capable of.

You know.

Writing that stuff.

SO IF IT WASN’T HIM, THEN WHO WAS IT?

And WHOEVER wrote it, why would they choose him? I mean.

Like.

Look at him.

Anyway. Some people think it was Francis Bacon. Which would be kinda weird because he was a really busy guy.

BUT WAIT.

Your name is CHISTOPHER MA

THIS IS STUPID.

This guy. Christopher Marlowe. He could have been a spy. He WAS a spy. He was killed, but he was actually under some sort of weird witness protection program of the 16th century that i would know absoltuely nothing about why are you asking me about this ha ha ha let’s move on.

But before he got into the spy buzznuzz, he was in the play buzznuzz. Even though that’s contradictory.

BUT HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

Your name is EDWARD DE VERE. You are the EARL OF OXFORD, and you are an ACCOMPLISHED GENTLEMAN, due to being the COURTIER of QUEEN ELIZABETH. Your interests include WRITING PLAYS IN SE

ok this has to stop right now.

This guy wrote plays in secret. Because the theater was like.

That place.

You know.

That... That place. Where all those weird people hang out.

But Edward liked to write, but Elizabeth was like “ew.” So he could have used a ghost writer OTHERWISE KNOWN AS WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE (that was not be using the aforementioned form of narration. That was me using caps for emphasis.) instead of publishing under his own name.

Plus, William was an actor over there anyways. So he just kinda GOT PAID TO TAKE ALL THE CREDIT.

Now I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the way to do things.

HOWEVER. Some people don’t believe this theory. Some think that William Shakespeare was William Shakespeare.

Also, he might have been a woman.

ANYWAY. THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT.

But what about the actual, uhh, plays?

There were three kinds. Historical, Comedy, and Tragedy.

The Historical plays were on a few Henries and some Johns (heh.) and Richard and some Julius Caesar. Of couse, all of these were added to for more drama and stuff. Because seriously.

Who wants to just watch history?

ANYWAY. COMEDIES WERE GOOD TOO. Because they were funny. I mean, they had some underlying themes too. Because it was William Shakespeare.

And then there were the tragedies.

ONE OF THEM IS ROMEO AND JULEIT. PLEASE SKIP THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THE RANT OF ANGER AND ANNOYANCE.

ROMEO AND JULIET IS A LOVE STORY. YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND DO NOT NEED TO REFER TO EACH OTHER OR YOUR LOVE AS SIMILAR TO ROMEO AND/OR JULIET. THEIR “LOVE” LASTED, IF I AM NOT MISTAKEN, THREE DAYS. IT CAUSED FIVE MURDERS. IT ENDED WITH TWO SUICIDES. BOTH OF WHICH WERE ROMEO AND JULIET’S. THERE’S A REASON IT WAS A “FORBIDDEN LOVE.” YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE IT WOULD LEAVE TO MULTIPLE MURDERS AND SUICIDE. TWO LITTLE TEENAGERS AND MOST OF THEIR FAMILY DIED DUE TO THEIR PURE STUPIDITY AND “LOVE”. YES, IT IS SAD. YES, IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE SAD. AND NO, UNLESS YOU WOULD MURDER FIVE PEOPLE AND COMMIT SUICIDE, YOU/YOUR BOYFRIEND/YOUR LOVE IS NOT LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET.

Continue reading here.

There were some tragedies. Insanity, death, “forbidden love”, etc. etc. bluh bluh bluh.

SO. Between writing writing THIRTY MONKEYING SEVEN plays, he wrote ONE MONKEYING HUNDRED AND FIFTY MONKEYING FOUR poems. Which were actually sonnets but whatever.

AND BASICALLY HE WAS SNOOP DAWGG. OR DOGG. OR WHAT THE MONKEY EVER.

Because he made up words and kinda changed words around so they’d rhyme. He made up:

Barefaced. Bumps. Fitful. Fretful. Fo shizze Frugal. Gloomy. Gnarled. Hurry. Puke. Recall. Spurring. Suspicious.

HE DOTH PUKE WHEN THE DUKE I’M NOT A POET I CAN’T FINISH THIS.

So we like use all of these words.

AND OH MAN HE USED PUNS.

He also coined “Dead as a doornail.” and all sorts of other things.

NOW.

Some of you aren’t old enough to read Shakespeare. Language is weird. Some parts aren’t really “good.” Plots are complicated (heh.) Stuff is wacky.

BUT NOW I HAVE TO GO READ IT. So I might or might not post some sort of summary on Much Ado About Nothing.

Please pray that I don’t die in the process.

Note: Uhm some stuff went down where everyone agreed that Much Ado About Nothing is seriously impossible forget everything derp none of the ados none of them.

IDK MAN JUST PLEASE IGNORE ME THNXBAI DUNNO WHAT IM DOING LOL

So basically this guy was kinda boring, apparently.

He was a writer, but he didn’t really.

You know.

Do anything?

I mean, he wrote a lot and he was kinda controversial, but I don’t think he ever actually.

You know.

Got in trouble?

But anyway.

MICHAEL MONTAINGE.

He was born in France. And he had a weird family. His dad was Roman Catholic, his mom a Spanish Jew Protestant, and his siblings were Catholics.

wat.

ANYWAYS. His Dad sent him away when he was 3 to live with a poor family (?). He was brought back to his family later and was taught Latin (?) Nobody was allowed to speak anything but Latin to him (?) even though French was his first language (?)

lolwut

Basically, he learned Latin and pretty much ALL SORTS OF AWESOME STUFF without ever touching a book.

Well he probably did touch a book but whatever. But eventually he was kinda shipped off to boarding school to study law, but basically he got board so he left.

So eventually he started writing. He sat up inside his little castle and he wrote. A lot. For 10 years.

wat.

He wrote essays. He basically started the whole personal Essay thing. And before that, there were none. None of the personal essays. BLAME HIM FOR EVERYTHING GUYS.

Also basically he was kinda selfish and self absorbed. Which was kinda expected because he LOCKED HIMSELF IN A TOWER FOR 10 YEARS RIGHT AFTER HIS BFFSIE 4EVARS DIED.

Also basically he broke the 4th wall a lot. Like, there was no 4th wall. It was broken. No more 4th wall. Or I guess you could also say he just used 1st person kinda like I do but whatever oh well close enough right and run on sentence ramblerambleramble you’ve stopped reading anyway.

BUT.

He was also pretty skeptical. And if you don’t know what that means go google it or something. Mom told me to tell you what it is. But you should know and I don’t feel like telling you. SO GO. Or stay if you know what the monkey I’m talking about.

ANYWAY. Mich was actually a part of this philosophical movement called The Skeptics.

Who questioned EVERYTHING. I don’t know. Are you reading this? I don’t know. Or are you just staring at this screen? Will you reread that sentence? Are you actually even there? I DUNNO. I DON’T THINK SO MAN. I DON’T THINK THAT’S RIGHT.

but.

He didn’t really think love had much to do with marriage. So he married practically. He was skeptical about education. And he was skeptical about religion.

AND THEN THE AGE OF REASON.

Anyway.

So he went around and traveled a little. Then someone made him mayor of Bordeaux. So he had to go home and he helped some people out.

AND THEN THE PLAGUE HAPPENED!

Yayyyy!

He kinda died. Which was coming. Because the plague.

So.

Uh.

Yeah. The end? Not much else. Because he. You know. Died. /awkward