Thursday, December 22, 2011

Sneaky Little Polisticsss. Wicked, Tricksy, False!

Today, I received some horrible news.
You guys remember Paul the Octopus?
HE’S DEAD NOW.
Actually, he’s been dead for about a year. The one year anniversary was on the 26th of October.
BUT STILL, HIS NAME HAS LIVED ON, HAS IT NOT?
Yes, it has.
You know whose name has lived on too?
Niccolo Machiavelli.
...
Honestly, I’ve never heard of this guy. His name lives on as a political term.
I guess I’m just one of those weird homeschoolers or something.
Why would that be?
BECAUSE IT REFERS TO TRICKSEY DECEITFUL AND DISHONEST POLITICS, THAT’S WHY.
So we can only assume that Niccolo was similar.
BUT.
As you can probably tell, Nic was a full-blooded Italian. He came from Florence. And by now, you guys should know how Florence worked. Lots of men running around painting other men and sculting other men and writing and painting and sculpting and FASHION DESIGNING FABULOUS.
So at the time Nic was around, Lorenzo was around for a little bit.
AND THEN ROLA.
but only for about 6 years.
And the remaining Medicis were overthrown.
So here is where Nic comes in.
He was hired to work for Florence. The Renaissance was in full swing by now.
So Nic was working in Politics and government stuffz. He worked for a man named Cesare Borgia.
Now let’s take a look at Cesare’s family.
THE BORGIAS.
They were a a ~sinister~ clan from Spain, and they HATED the Medicis. (Mark one.)
DUH DUH DUHHH.
They were very rich and powerful, and one of them was a Pope. A really bad Pope. He has lots of children.
Not wifes. Or a wife. (two)
Multiple children.
AND CASARE WAS ONE OF THEM. (three)
So he was like triple bad.
And, of course, he decided to go for the fourth bad by being charming, good looking, intelligent, and was a PARTAY ANIMUHHHL. (fourrr.)
He took advantage of his father’s position (five.) to get things he wanted (six).
Because of his father, Cesare was appointed as a cardinal in the church. However, he soon grew weary of church buzznuzz. (seven.)
So he got his father to get him out of the position. (eiiiight.)
He also went on long. Expensive. Journeys. (nine.) Which were more exciting than his marriage, if you catch my drift. (TEN.)
He shot prisoners for sport as well. (Eleven?)
And...
EW.
EWEWEWEW.
He was in love with his sister. (TWELVE.)
And so he murdered her husband. (Thirteen.)
He also murdered a lot of other people, but hey. Let’s just count that as one. (FOUR. TEEN.)
Also, he was jealous because his brother was a soldier. So he murdered him. (fifteen.)
FIF.
TEEN.
FIFTEEN.
FIFTEEN BAD MARKS.
So he was pretty much evil.
AND IT WAS THIS SCARY EVIL DOOD THAT NIC WORKED FOR.
So he watched in his position he held for fourteen years as Cesare got everything he wanted. However, Cesare did not last fourteen years.
For Florence, it was good riddance. So the Medicis came back, and Nic was arrested. And not only was he arrested, but he was tortured and sentenced for exile. It was not a fun place.
Nic really really wanted Italy to be a country, not a bunch of city-states. He wanted to be like Spain, England, and France.
So while dood was in exile, he began to write.
HE WROTE ESSAYS.
He wrote a particularly long essay on how to solve the problems of Italy. It was about how the power of one person could shape an entire nation. Guess who one of the role-models was for this?
Cesare.
OH, nevermind that he was a ruthless murderer! Nevermind that he was a Renaissancian gangster! Nevermind that he was probably insane!
Let’s take a quote.
“It is far better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both.”
“A prince should not deviate from what is good, but he should know how to do evil if it is necessary.”
“Violence should be inflicted, once for all.”
“Princes, who have achieved great things, have given their word lightly, have known how to trick men with cunning, and have overcome those abiding by honest principles.”
ASDFKHGKHN
ASDFGHJJKL
ZXCVBNM,
DFHJBASLKVHQBI
IS THIS GUY /INSANE/?
WHAT.
WHAT.
WHATWHATWHAT.
So this al summed up:
IF YOU’RE A JERKFACE, YOU’RE GONNA GO FAR.
asdfghbcvbt63zh
NOW BEFORE WE MAKE NIC SOUND ANY WORSE (if that’s possible?)
Historians do not agree on if it’s a fo rhulz essay. If it was a satire or not.
Some people think it’s simply an observation. Not how he believed, but just what he saw.
But as you can guess, many a dictator has appreciated these works.
Genius decided to send the Medicis a copy.
The didn’t like it, and he stayed in exile.
He also wrote ANOTHER essay, which totally contradicted the first one.
I’m thinkin’ he just hated exile, so he decided to try and write whatever would get him in good with the Medicis.
He also wrote things other than political stuff. He wrote history, poetry, and comedy.
wut.
I don’t know, he just doesn’t seem like a very humorous guy.
BUT.
His name lives on, even if it was supposed to used in the way it is or not.
If that makes sense.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

More Moose~!

So far, we’ve only really talked about sculptors and painters and stuff.
BUT THIS GUY IS A WRITER.
And his name was Erasmus.


ERASMUS DESIDERIUS.
And it means “Desired beloved”. Most people think he probably gave that name to himself.
I mean, if I gave a name to myself, I’d give myself something like that.
And his most famous work is called “In Praise of Folly”. I know, folly is bad. It is a bad thing. I dunno.
When he was young, Mus’s parents died and his new guardians sent him off to the Monastery. He didn’t really like the Monastery, but he did like the books there. So he went anyways. But he didn’t like the Monk stuff he had to do. He didn’t like fasting, he didn’t like eating fish during Lent, and he wasn’t really suited to be a monk. So he just said “forget that” and he became a priest, but that didn’t really work for him either.
So he went to Paris!
He loved books, reading, writing, etc. etc. blah blah blah. He particularly liked Plato. Because to be allowed in the Renaissance, you had to be really really smart.
He already knew Latin, and he taught himself Greek. He decided to update the Latin Vulgate. According to Erasmus, the Vulgate was incorrect. His “updates” became really controversial. However, it made him famus. A lot of people were angry with him because they liked the old Vulgate. And others just thought he was a hypocrite. Which was why being a Monk and/or Priest did not suit him.
So he just kinda went back and forth from that point on between Paris, Rome, and London. He wrote a book of quotes while he was in Paris, which was a best seller. It was pretty much the Cliffnotes of the Renaissance, and he added some of his own quotes and comments.
He was offered a job at the Vatican wif Mr. P-to-da-ope, but he turned it down. He was offered a job at a university, but he also turned it down. He did get a job with King Henry VIII, but it was relly boring and he quit.
So in 1511, he wrote In Praise of Folly. It is a satiric novel.
Ohic.
He pretty much offends everyone in the book. He especially attacks the Church, but he was right about most of it.
WIN.
Other works he wrote urged Christians to come back to, well, good sense.
HOWEVER.
Erasmus was a Humanist.
He questioned Jesus’ God-ness, and his own Christian beliefs.
So.
Uhm.
Yuhh.
That’s about it.
UHM OH NO A STEGOSAURUS.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

It's Like a Double Hipster Thing.

So far, we’ve really only looked at Italian artist. But Italy is not the only Arty Hipster country.
Instead of looking at their personal lives and NITTY GRITTY DEETS, we’re just gonna look at some art.
Because you’ll probably never hear about their personal lives.
So let’s start with Jan van Eyke. He lived in Flanders, which is part of modern day Balgium, France, and the Nether-


...
No.
The Netherlands.
So Van (He goes by his middle name.) put lots and lots of details in his paintings. Like, a lot.
There’s a doggy on the floor. Tehre’s a mirror in the back WITH A REFLECTION IN IT OF THE COUPLES BACK, There’s the slippers on the floor, and it’s pretty much perfect. There’s the perfect features, which, to me, are really creepy. I hate perfect paintings. In fact, I think guy over here looks kinda like that hing from Courage the Cowardly Dog.
Look.


Ok. See the guy’s face?
Ok.
Now. I'm not gonna put a picture because it will haunt your dreams forever, but if you really want to just google "You're not perfect."
Yep. This little guy whispers ad nauseam "You're not perfect." Which is only slightly creepy taken out of context. Er, no, it's till creepy in context. It's from Courage the Cowardly Dog, so that's kinda the point.

OK.
SO.
THERE’S ANOTHER GUY.
His name was Jerome Bosch.
BUT HIS NAME REALLY WAS HIERONYMUS BECAUSE HE'S HIPSTER LIKE THAT.
And he went by Hieronymus. And he put in a lot of details, but his weren’t all PERFECTTT, they were just.... weird. He had three frames: Heaven, Earth, and Hell. It was weird. I’m not gonna put it, because it had, well, you know how the Renaissance guys were. But Heaven and Earth were all nice looking, but Hell... Well, it wasn’t. It had Ear monsters and it had fire and it had a big bird rat thing that was eating people and it had a volcano. It didn’t look very nice.

...Let’s move on.
This guy’s name was Albrecht Dürer. He just went by ü. Lower case.
He was from Germany, where art wasn’t really appreciated. So he went to Italy to study perspective and Anatomy.
One of his most famous painting is a pair of hands. That are praying. It’s called the Praying Hands.
They just look like praying hands.
ü was also an engraver. He has some really complex ones, and then you have, you know, grass and a rabbit.
Still, though, he is considered the greatest German artist to ever live.


There is another guy named Pieter Bruegel. I bet you’ve never heard that spelling of Pieter, have you? No. Of course not.
Anyways, he painted the Tower of Babel. It’s the Tower of Babel.
He also painted ordinary life. He liked to paint realistic paintings from winter. Not Like Van, but still.
So.
Uhm.
That was easily the worst ending ever.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Sad Panda

Look at your ceiling. Look at your computer screen. Look at your ceiling. Now back to your screen. Sadly, your ceiling is not as fancy as your computer screen.
BUT MR. P-TO-DA-OPE JULIUS THE THIRD’S?
His ceiling was nifty.
Why?
Because he hired Michelangelo to paint THE MOST MAGNIFICENT CEILING IN THE WOOORLD for the Sistine Chapel in Rome.
But the Mutant Ninja Turtle didn’t like painting, so he hired someone else. He hired Another Michelangelo.
Who also hated painting.
So Mich was pretty much born in the right place at the right time to become a great anything. Meaning, Florence around 1500. He was an apprentice to a guy who was a painter and a sculptor. And then He moved to Another guy, and it happened to be a part of the Medici gardens. He had access to some of the most beautiful artwork on the block (block being, you know, the world.), mostly sculptures. HE was invited to live in his master’s home, and he was provided with a room and a nice salary. They dines with a bunch of people, including the royal family.
BUT!
In this time, his nose was shaped.
Yes.
His nose.
He pretty much got hurt really hard in a game of slugbuggy.
Which screwed his nose way up.
So Mich had a lot of self pity, and he was all sad panda.
AND THEN HE BECAME A ROCKSTAR.
Because his two greatest statues? They were made real early in his career. So I guess he got progressively worse after that first greatest one.
And the first greatest one? It was called the Piñata. Or the Pietà, pronounced Pee-AHHH!-tah. It’s Mary holding Jesus.
And there was another one called David.
Well that’s a little easier to say.
David was 18 feet tall, and was wearing clothes from the Emperor’s Collection. The right side of the statue was sculpted so it was firm. The other side was all relaxed and stuff. And he wasn’t all “YAY PLAYDOH.” He was putting thought and stuff in to the thing.
AND IT WAS AROUND THIS TIME That Mich was asked to GO HEAD TO HEAD, TOE TO TOE, FACE TO FACE, ETC. TO ETC. WITH LEONARDO.
But he never finished his painting so nobody won. Herpderp.
What did Mich paint? Leo painted horses. So Mich painted the obvious.
SOLDIERS BATHING.


Because, well, he... He was... He was kinda like Leo. He was.. I... Uhm.
He was fascinated with...
Well.
Take a guess.
Also, Mich was a fan of dissecting to look at muscles, torso, veins, etc. etc.
The church was not a fan of this, nor did they like the barely clothed and muscular figures in his paintings.
But unlike Leo, Mich pretty much ignored landscapes, perspective, and still life. He said that painting these things were for “Children and uneducated men.”
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ICE FOR THAT BUUUURN?
Also, another thing he said for painting anything in general was for women.
C-C-C-COMBO BURN.
So how was it that Mich, who despised painting, went and painted the most extravagant ceiling of all time?
He was tricked. BABABAA~!
So Mr. P-to-da-ope Julius asked Mich to make him a tomb. Julius was ill-tempered, arrogant, and annoying. That narrows it down. Mich was also ill-tempered, arrogant, and annoying. Neither of them could agree on anything. Mich was sent out to the mountains to collect the perfect rocks. Then on the 8th MONTH, Julius said “FOGET THIS.” and he put the whole thing on hold. So Mich stopped on down to Rome and was like “I BEEN WORKIN’ FO EIGHT MONTHS GIVE ME MONEY.”
And you don’t really demand money from Mr. P-to-da-ope. But he refused to see him.
SO HE WENT EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT WEEK.
And then he just got mad and went home.
It took an official letter and three angry letters FROM THE POPE to drag Mich’s behind back to Rome.
So eventually he went back to Rome, but only one statue for the tomb was made. And then it got melted down to make a cannon.
THEN JULIUS HAD AN IDEA.
“Hay. Hay. Hay. Hay Mich. Hay. Make me a ceiling kthnx?”
Mich needed money, so he did it. But he grumbled THE WHOLE WAY. And Mr. P-to-da-ope also had a lotta power, and Mich didn’t feel like getting excommunicated.
So Mich painted 10,000 square feet of ceiling. From 70 feet off the ground. For four year years. The guy pretty much lived on scaffolding. Which is like a ladder plus a bed. He only ate what was on hand, and he barely bathed or changed clothes.
FOR FOUR YEARS.
Once, Julius hit him with a stick for not doing it fast enough.
Dude.


And of course, there were 343 muscular peeps all up in thurr.
Also, you guys know this?
(That pic of God ALMOST touching Adam. That sounded wrong. But whatevz.)
Also, the whole thing?
NO LANDSCAPE.
NONE.
Because those are for sissy boys.
No pun.
And then, four months after Mich finished the painting, Julius died.
So then Mich made Julius a tomb.
4tehlulz.
At the beginning of the Tomb, Moses is over hurr all Princess Celestia (brohoof?) mode with a flowing beard.
So then Mich made frands with a widow named Victoria (don’t get all excited. They were just frands. and they visited on Sundays, and they talked, and all that stuff.
Mich was a Christian, and so he want back to the Sisten Chapel and painted a thingy called “The Last Judgement” about 15-30 years later. It was about sin and it’s consequences. It was pretty much based off of Dante’s Inferno. As in, it was really really gorey. As in, Mich painting his face in the hollow skin of Saint Bartholomew.
Yeah.
So then Victoria died, and Mich was really really sad panda mode.
But in this, he grew a lot closer to God and Christ and alla that.
He pretty much went from one extreme to the other. All dissecting and stuff to Christ and stuff like that.
So.
Uhm.
Yeah.
The end...?

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Test Shall be Given With No Mercy.

The Ninja Turtle. The Artist. The... The...
Yeah. That’s it. He’s only a Ninja Turtle and an artist.
Except for this guy:


Well, technically, they have different last names. BUT SAME DIFFERENCE.
So Leo has a pretty sad story. His mother and father weren’t married, his mother was dirt poor, his father was filthy rich, and Leo was living with his mother. However, she couldn’t really care for him, so she gave him to his father, who tossed the kid to his parents, who then tossed him to his father’s brother.
Wow.
So despite that, Leo was charming and attractive in every way.
MARY SUE MARY SUE MARY SUE SUE SUE.
I’m gonna put this guy through the litmus test. I’ll post the results in the updates box over thurr.
But wait!
Not only was he charming and attractive, but the guy was a GENIUS. In school he excelled in math and music. He was also good at drawing. (no duh.)
So His father threw him to Florence. You guys know Florennnce. Big city. Fun city. In the middle of the Renaissance. Leo became an apprentice to a Goldsmith, Painter, and Sculptor, named Andrea del Verrocchio. We’ll call him Andy.
Now remember back to medieval times! Apprentices weren’t really paid in a "HURRS UR MONEY.", but they did get paid with "HURRS YOUR EVERYTHING THAT KEEPS YOU ALIVE."
So when he was about 18, he was asked to paint one of the two angels in the baptism of Christ. The guy thought it was so beautiful, so mystifying, so perfect, that his Master said that he would never paint again.


So Leo decided to paint something very... uh... wrong. He decided to break the rules of perspective, by drawing really really big horses and stairs that lead to nowhere.
I’m not going to put it here, because it will break. Your. Mind.
He was using “variety,” he said.
He didn’t really finish a lot of things, because he would be too prefectionist to let anyone see it, or he’d get distracted and go paint something else.
Also! This guy loved notebooks. He loved seven thousand pages of them. He loved seven thousand pages of them backwards.
Yep. He took noted from left to right. Backwards. He drew his pictures the right way, but notes? Backwards.
What did he write about? Weapons, geometry, ~fabulous~ Machines, Anatomy, the movement of water, Cameras (yes) bicycles (yes), UFOs (yes), and Helicopters (yes).
Leo also had the idea of Cars, tanks, and two-tiered cities. As in, like, yoou know. A city. With two teirs.
He was also a fan of dissection. As in, getting dead bodies and looking inside and drawing said inside.
The Church frowned upon this.


...
You know what I said about that Mary Sue thing?
Yeah.
No.
No.
Nonononono.
Also, HE WAS A FASHION DESIGNER FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS.
Yeah.
He also designed carnivals and stuff while he was designing fashion for the duke of Milan.
However, he started some really really big projects. Most of which he didn’t finish. One of his more famous was a big horse. A big. bronze. Horse. He was unable to finish said horse, but he did get the clay model done. However, the big horse was destroyed when some guys came in and needed some target practice. And to them, the best thing for them was a big 22 foot tall horse.
One of his most famous works, though, was ruined by his own experiments. It began to erode before it was done. Why? Because he had experimented with paint that didn’t dry as quickly. Despite the near total lost of “The Last Supper” it’s still one of his most famous works.
So in 1499, he left the duke of Milan. He went out and he waited until Ol' Rola died to go back to Florence. I don’t think Rola and he woulda gotten along, you know?
And that is where he started the Mona Lisa.
The Mona Lisa has so much that everyone loved. The lighting, the smoky look around the edges, the mysteriousness, the lack of eyebrows the variety in the background. Most people think that Mona Lisa was a real person. Something odd is that he kept the picture for over 3 years to finish it, and he kept it for himself for who knows how long. He had to hire clowns and jesters to keep the lady smiling. What smile?


I think she looks kinda like that. But on the Mona Lisa.
So eventually, it fell in to the hands of Napoleon even though Leo kept the picture with him at all times. Even while he slept. Yes. He slept with the picture.
That's not creepy at all.
Not.
At.
All.
AND THEN HE WAS SQUARED AGAINST HIS ARCH-ENEMY:
Michael Angelo.
They were both hired to make a fresco for the city hall.
AND OGURL.
They were at it. They both worked in separate studios, trying to outdo each other.
AND THEN...
After working on the sketch for a year and a half, the humidity was so high in the air that the painting disintegrated before his eyes.
But Michael never finished his either so it was a tie and there was no fresco for anyone.


So in his last few years, Leonardo went to Rome and helped bedazzle dah Church of Saint Peter. That also had to wait until Rola died. Even in Rome, he kept making stuff. He made a robot lizard. Yes.
A Robot Lizard.
With Flapping wings powered with quicksilver.
A FLYING ROBOT LIZARD~
So then he moved to France because he was offered a life of a prince. That was a pretty nice offer, so he was hired as a painter, an engineer, an architect, and a mechanic. He settled in a little castle, and he died in said little castle at the age of 67.
So yeah.
the end.

Monday, November 21, 2011

A Long Long Time Ago, ALL THE DISNEY!

A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AW-
Wait.
Ok, so, this was just a long time ago.
A LONG TIME AGO, JAKE GYLLENHAAL WAS-
Wait.
Ok, so, this was a long time ago. Before Jake Gyllenhaal.
A LONG TIME AGO, THERE WAS PERSIA.
After the days of Noah, there was a little paradise over near Mesopotamia which was all nice and stuff until the Persians got all up in thurr and was lyke “U MAD BRO?”
So they decided to be all original and rename the place “Persia”.
So y’all know Esther and Alexander the Great and Jake Gyllenhaal? Yeah. They were all from Persia. Except not all at the same time. BUT STILL.
So Persia has a really long history that we’re gonna stop right now because it’s complicated. Like bratty 12 year old girl Facebook relationships.
So we’re just gonna talk about two main peeps today. One was named Shiites. ... I’m gonna resist a joke there because if I don’t I will get my computer taken away for a long long time.
The others were called Sunnis.
But so stuff is still going on. Like, 38 minutes ago, there was a buncha Shiites trollin around and then some Sunnies came in and were like "NO." and then the Shiites were all "ASDFGHHJKL GET OUT." and the Sunnies were all "nope." and so they were killed.
BUT BACK TO BUSINESS.
So these weren’t exactly countries. These were divisions of Islam. After Mo’ (looong time since we talked about him specifically.) died, he wasn’t exactly a zombie to answer questions about Islam. Even though there WERE some mummiezombiemuslims, Mo’ was unable to make it to the deathday party. So there was some debate as to who should be the next Muslim leader. Some people thought that Abu should be the next leader. I don’t know who thought it would be a good idea to make a monkey a Caliph (which is the leader.) So the other people thought that it should be A guy named Ali. And whoever thought it would be a good idea to put Aladdin in disguise on the Caliph’s position is the Elephant that was actually Abu that Aladdin rode in that one scene.
So if you guys need a visual:
Sunnies:


Shiites:


Now that song will be stuck in my head all day. PRINCE ALIIII, FABULOUS HEEE, ALI ABABWAAAA~!
But so the two groups decided to just split up and be two different groups of Islam. It still spread though. LIKE BUTTER ON TOAST. LIKE A WILDFIRE. LIKE THE CHEESE TOUCH. LIKE... LIKE... SOMETHING ELSE THAT SPREADS.
So Islam spread in to Persia. It got all nice and reunited, and the Shiites ruled.
So the rules were canned Imans. Imans were a weird mix between Ipods and Walkmen that hipsters use so they look like cool hipster-thrift-store-vintage-hurr-durr.
Oh...
OH wait...
What was that?
Oh. Ok.
Nevermind. I spelled it wrong. It’s Imam.
So the first twelve Imams were considered to have supernatural powers and everyone thought they were without sins. Hurrdurr FAIL.
There was a guy named Ismail. He grew up learning about alla (no pun.) this stuff, but he didn’t want to grow up to be an Imam or a leader of a religious order or none’uh that jayazz. HE WANTED TO BE AN EMPEROR OF A GREAT EMPIRE. BAMBAMBAMBAA~! So he became a “Shah.”


This was a biiiig move. It changed Persia.... FOREVER! BAMBAMBAAAAM! (note: This is different from the “BAMBAMBAMBAA!”. The first is suspense music. The later is good happy trumpets.)
Ismail had created a new kind of government. He had a Theocracy, which is a government based on religion. And to this day, Persia (Now Iran, mind you.) is STILL the only country in the world based on the Shiite faith.
So the country was changed, but it was not exactly a fun time. There were still a bunch of Sunnits in the place, so they were forced to convert or die. Ismail hired a lot of people to do his dirty work for him, so they went out and killed a bunch of Sunnits and expanded the empire. Ismail made Tabriez the capital of Persia, and all was... uhm... pretty bad, actually.
AND THEN THE OTTOMAN TURKS WERE OVER HURR AND ISMAIL CAPTURED THEIR CITY BAGHDAD AND WUZ ALL “U MAD BRO?”
And ogurl.
So Ismail made a big name for himself with that buzznezz wif dah Turks and Baghdad.
But eventually Ismail, you know, died. His possible heirs weren’t exactly capable of ruling though. One switched his loyalty to the sunnies, one was too young to rule, one was blind, and one was insane.
So yeah. No good candidates here.
The Ottomans took back their city, and the empire shrunk.
AND THEN CAME A GOOD LEADER.
His name was Abbas, and he was a good ruler. In fact, he was a great ruler. In fact, his name was Abbas the Great. Hurrdurr.
He thought it would be a good idea to move the capital city AGAIN, so he moved it to Isfahan. It was in the middle of the Empire, and he covered it in art and pretty and rugs and tapestries and pretty shtuff. He opened trade with the English, selling them said rugs and tapestries, both of which are still popular today.
AND THEN ABBAS TOOK BAGHDAD BACK.
He pushed the borders back to where they were with Ismail.
But he had one tiny flaw.
Abbas was Senior Psycho, and he had one son killed, one son sent off to be raised somewhere else, and one son blinded. All in fear of one of them overthrowing him to take the throne, as he did his father!
BAM DAM DAAAAA.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

So there’s this dood. He was born in Italy, noble family, all that jayazz. Cool beans. Lived a good life.
Well erm sorta no not really.
This guy, Savonarola, read a lot when he was a kid. He attended a university, but he was kinda in culture-shock mode over there. So he decided to leave said university. He decided to live with his family instead of attent school.
And if you remember, Italy was going humanitarian. But Rola ovah hurr was still a strong Christian. He decided he’d straighten out his friends, his countrymen, and the Church.


Bada~!
Erm...


BADA~!
So Rola joined the Dominican Friars. He asked for the tiniest, most humble little itty bitty grimmy dirty ugly horrible job they had. So he was a cook and a cleaner.
SO THEY TOOK THAT AWAY FROM HIM.
They transferred Rola to Florence to preach because he was really really Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. So Rola was too good for the peeps. He was preachin’ wayy over their head’s. And his voice was kinda shrill, so it was annoying to listen to. Derp. So the people pretty much kicked dood outta Florence.
And that pretty much made his self-esteem drop reeeul low.
BABY SHE GOT LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW.
Ok. Sorry.
Soo after a few years, Rola decided to go back to Florence. He was better this time, and his preachin’ was AMAZING. His followers were nicknamed The Weepers because they cried so much. And what did he preach, exactly? He just preached the Gospel. And everyone loved it.
Rola pretty much was awesome. He had some kinda weird beliefs though. Some stuff was good though. He didn’t think gambling was good, inappropriate art, no cursing, no pagan books, no excessive jewelry, no immodest clothin, etc. etc. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, NO CARNIVALS OR ACROBATIC EVENTS.
Yeah.
I don’t get that last bit.
It was good though. Rich businessmen were getting rid of their money they got from cheating, bonfires were held to burn stuff like mirrorrrrs and makeuppp and jewelryyy and pagan boooks and a lot of stuff like that.
But there were the extremists.
There were these people that called themselves “THE BANDS OF HOPE”. The morality police. They’d come in to people’s houses, looking fo bad stuffz that they could burn. People started spying on each other, making sure that nobody was gambling or anything. So the situation got really bad.
But wait~!
Imagine the backlash of the people who weren’t too hip with Rola.
So you know Lorenzo de’Medici? Yeah. He liked Carnivals. And Books. And Paintings. So being the genius Lorenzo was, he decided to try to bribe Rola with gold.
F-F-F-F-FAAAAILMODE.
So Lorenzo died. And then his son took over. And his son was overthrown. So Rola was plastered up on the throne.
Now Rola was a pretty good leader. He took his position seriously. He employed good people, and had a good vision for Florence in general.
Unfortunately, Rola’s vision didn’t really go too well. He wanted to establish the kingdom of God in Florence.
Uhmyeahno.
So that didn’t go too well. He wanted a Christian Utopia. EVen though he had good intentions, they weren’t, technically, Biblical.
Rola’s greatest threat was... HIMSELF!
Well actually that’s a lie.
His greatest threat was Mr. P-to-da-ope. You see, Pope Alexander VI was really really immoral. Even though he never married, he had five children. He supported murder to get the things he wanted. So when Rola started to preach to Mr. P-to-da-ope, things didn’t go too well. He said, and I quote: “O PROSTITUTE CHURCH, THOU HAST DISPLAYED THY FOULNESS TO THE WHOLE WORLD, AND THY STINKEST TO HEAVEN.”
So he pretty much said, “Hey. Hey. Y’all stink. Take a shower plz kthxbai”
So Mr. P-to-da-ope was pretty mad. He wasn’t too fond of Rola callin’ the church a stinky prostitute.
And then Rola came back and had everyone burn a LOT of stuff. So Alex over hurr bribed Rola to quiet. Down. So Mr. P-to-da-ope offered him a big position in the church, but Rola turned him down.
So then he got himself excommunicated. And then people started to wonderrr... “Heyy. Why would they excommunicate a man of God? What if he isn’t? OH NO. OH NO. OH NO. WE GOTTA GET RID OF THIS GUY.”
And Rola runs for the hills.
The Franciscans decided to test Rola. They wanted to do this by SETTING HIM ON FIRE. Oh, oh, but it wasn’t THAT bad, because they’d set one of their monks on fire too! And the most righteous man would be saved my God.
...
OH. MY. WORD.
SO ROLA ACCEPTED.
Except he called for a stand in. So his good buddy whoever decided to TAKE ON THE CHALLENGE.
This made him look more like a coward and his followers were like wat.
So there was a debate if there really should be the trial by fire. IT was kinda pointless since Rola wasn’t even being set on fire. And then it started raining and they called the whole thing off. The crowd got in quite a ruckus, but they went home because they were getting wet.
You know who else was in a ruckus? Mr. P-to-da-ope. He was mad. And so the logical thing to do here is arrest Rola. Now that really /was/ a logical move. I mean, yeah. I don’t know. Pope: 1. Everyone else: a bajillion.
So Rola was put through court. Admit heresy, or torture. He chose torture.
At 45, Rola withstood the torture.
So Rola and his friends were dragged to a town square. He and his friends were stripped publicly, stoned, hung, strangled, burned, and then they threw their ashes in a river. In that order.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Moose and Otter and Moose

So we’re done with CC. Thank goodness. He was getting a bit old, eh?
SO NOW IT’S TIME FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
Ghana, Mali, and Songhai were three territories in Africa.
REWIND!
*vrrrmp*
Ancient Egyptians. Some people like to forget that Egypt was on the coast of Africa, but it is. There a Pharaoh named Amenhotep, Nefertiti, and Kind Tut. They all believed in one god. The Kushites and the Noks also stood out a little bit, but they weren’t as big as Egypt. They were in the south. Zombabwe came over and was all “HAYY GUYSS~! <333” So what about the rest of Africa? Well, in the west of Africa, there were some men called the Griots. They had to memorize history, and they still do it. Because of the Griots, they pretty much know all the history of all of Africa. Woahdood. So let’s start with the first place. Ghana. There is a legit modern day Ghana, but it’s not the same as this Ghana. The rules charged a lotta taxes on people who were just passing through, but not the people who lived there. You had to pay them in salt or gold. There was a lot of Salt to the north of Ghana, and a lot of gold to the south of Ghana. Now you’d think that gold was a lot more valuable than salt. BUTLOLNOPE. Salt was really expensive because they didn’t have fridgerators. Ok. Hold on. Let me explain. We’ve been over this. Salt + food = preservation. And it also protected peeps from dehydration, because they were reul close to the equator. So Ghana hung out for about 300 years. And then in 1070, the Mooselooms- Wait. What were the Mooselooms?


Plus:


Equals:
MOOSELOOM.
Ok. Butso the Mooselooms decided to trololover.
So then a new empire EMERGED FROM TEH ASHES~
Mali~!
It rose up in about the same Ghana. Mali had a lot of gold. Like, a LOT of gold. The founder of Mali was named Sundiata, pronounced “Soon-da-otta”


Ok but so.
Otter’s legs were kinda really screwed up. He was all gud with the upper body, but he couldn’t walk. And then here comes a blacksmith and he was all “ALL BETTER~!” So he got better. By the age of 10, Otter was an amazing hunter. He defeated some people and the Kingdom of Mali was the Empire of Mali.
And then 75 years later, a new power ROSE TO FAME. His name was Mansamusa. Pronounced... “Man’s-a-moose-uh”


Dude. What is with these names. LIKE REALLY.
AND MOOSE LIKE. LIKE I MEAN WHAT.
Ok.
So.
Mansamusa (i like that more than Moose. It’s fun.) was very impressed with the Mooselooms (I WONDER WHY) so he decided to head over to Meca. So Mansamusa decided to join sum’a his Mooseloom buddies on a pilgrimage to Meca. And to impress others on his journey to Meca, he decided to pass out A LOT OF GOLD. So Europeans decided to pay some attention to Mansamusa. Like, you know how people look at, you know, Brad Pitt and say, “I’m going in to show business.” Or people look at Steve Jobs and say, “LOLNOPE.”
...
Too zune?
“Hey! You got your judgement in my blog!”
“Hey! You got your blog in my judgement!”
Ok.
So.
Mansamusa got Mali put on the map. No4srs. Mali was put on the map with a picture of Mansamusa with a gold nugget. 4tehlulz.
Ok so a buncha tourists decided to make a visit to Mali. They found a buncha gold. AND THEY FOUND TIMBUKTU.
Everyone knows Timbuktu. It’s fun to say. Nobody really knows what is is or where it was. BUT NOW YOU DO. IT WAS IN MALI. IN AFRICA.
So Mansamusa came back from Meca with a buncha Muslims. They had Mosques, courts, schools, and strict laws. An odd thing is that Mansamusa never really took on Islam. He kept his African stuff, and the country is still a blend of religion.
SO NOW LET’S HAVE A SUPER COOL TRANSITION.
Songhai. It was STILL IN THE SAME PLACE. They slowwwlyy took over Mali. Askia Muhammad took over just one year after CC over hurr “found” America.
So Songhai, Mali, and ghana are all the same place.
Okso Askia kept the gold trade amovin’. Askia adopted Islam, and he appointed Mooselooms to some government positions. Even though 97 percent of Songhai was not even Muslim. A lot of the major cities had Mosques, even though ONLY THREE PERCENT OF THE POPULATION WAS MUSLIM.
So they standardized weights and measures. Beacuse what would happen is:
“AY MAN I NEED 5 OUNCES OF GOLD.”
And you give me this much:


And then Someone else gives me this much:


So they fixed that.
There was a big university, it had a lot of hand-written books, and the place was pretty presumptuous.
So EVERYTHING WAS GOOD AND NICE AND AWSUM LIKE THAT THE END?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

THE FINAL INSTALLEMENT (fo' realz this time.)

LOLOLOL THAT’S WAS FUNNY HOW I DROPPED YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Ok
So.
More Christopher Columbus~!
So he had ANOTHER voyage. With his brother, Christ and... His brother started the first European colony in UMERCUH.
Ok so it actually wasn’t UHMERCUH. It was actually Haiti. Butso Chris and his buddies decided to take the Haitians as slaves. And the Haitians couldn’t really decline because Chris had guns and horses. They tried, buttt unfortunatelyyy, Chris did not resolve the conflict peacefully. He decided to just kill a buncha people to get everyone in order.
And somewhere along the way, Chris started demanding gold every three months. Oh! Also, those who did pay him had cute little bronze bracelets. And those who didn’t got their arms lopped off! Yayyy!
So he went back home to Spain. He told everyone how awesome it was that he took all these people in to Slavery and chopped off their arms and everyone just kinda stared at him.
Sooo Chris went on ANOTHER journey. He went over to Venezuela. He called it the Other World because he couldn’t call it the New World becuase there already was a New World. So Isabella and Ferdinand sent new help with him to go back to the colony where he was CUTTING PEOPLE’S ARMS OFF and he got arrested. The new help took charge, and Chris sat in chains. He was sent back to Spain as a prisoner, and Isabella freed him and fired the leader of the colony back in Haiti.
Chrissy claimed that his trips were the fulfillment of Isiah’s prophecy to share the gospel message with those who had not seen God’s glory. Well, that’s nice.
So Chris took yet ANOTHER VOYAGE. So this time he dragged his son along with him. In fact, a lot of the crew were teenagers. They were going to try to find a passage through UHMERCUH. Of course it didn’t really exist. But Chris knew there was another ocean SOMEWHERE, but he was never able to prove that he was right.
So this was the most difficolt most chalenging hardest voyage yet. They ate their food at night so that they wouldn’t have to see the worms in it. EWEWEW. Their clothes were always soaked. And they had a few problems with the natives.... There was some bloodshed. Chris’s faith got kinda fuzzy. They got marooned in Jamaica and a ship came to help them. When he got back to Spain, Isabella was too sick to meet with him. Ferdinanad wasn’t gonna give him more money (HMMIWONDERWHY). So Chris died alone.
Ok, so, America was not even named after Christopher Columbus. It was named after Amerigo Vespucci. He was Italian.
So.
Uhm.
Yeah.
That was uber anti-climatic compared to our last lessons.
But whatevar~!

Monday, November 7, 2011

4 teh lulz

THIS IS THE POST YOU’VE ALLL BEEN WAITIN’ FOOOO’. The post that answers all your questions... ABOUT CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.
But you’re gonna have to wait sum maor because before I get in to that I have some stuff to tell you.


So Christopher Columbus is on land. He met some Indians. BUT.
THERE IS *NO* EVIDENCE THAT HE WENT IN TO AMERICA.
So it was all a lie. HE DIDN’T EVEN DISCOVER IT. HE JUST DISCOVERED THE BAHAMAS.
Also, he didn’t even know he was in the Bahamas (so they sayyy.). He thought he was in Japan. So since he thought he was in Japan, he sent in some peeps with official letters and jazz to the emperor.
Some map-maker.
Anyway, Chris over hurr is why we call our Native Americans “Indian”. Why? Because he thought they were Indians.

FAIL.

Chris here really wanted to share the gospel with the Indians. He thought that they were not religious. Which was odd, because I am pretty sure they had gods. Yeah. They had a buncha gods. HMMTHAT’SREALLYODD.
Also, Chris didn’t JUST want to share the gospel. He wanted to find MONEYYY. In fact, he only wanted gold when it came to money. He SAID that it was to go to the holy land, but you know... I mean... Meh.
IT WAS A LIE.
So Columbus wanted money. He wanted to explore. HE WAS A SPY TOO.
So then they lost the Santa Claus.
On Christmas Eve.
LOLOLOLOLOL
So then they went back to Spain. The Nunya and the Piñata were their only ships, but they got caught up in a storm. But they got back pretty good. Chris dropped by his buddy KING JOHN and He laughed at John.
Then he went to Spain.
Ohboi.
Chris got to Spain and recieved a big welcome. He got the title Admiral of the Ocean Sea. He got the Rank of Nobility, and he was promised to govern Newly Discovered Land.
AND OGURL. U KNO WHUT ELZ HE B GETTIN?
He got to wear his hat in front of the king and queen. It was some sort of honor or something to that extent.
Hmm.
Well.
That’s nice.
AND THEN...
CAME...
HIS...
DOWNFALL.


































































































































































































bumbumbumm~!










(You guys thought I was gonna tel you his downfall, didn't cha? WELL BE PATIENT.)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

A LIAR AND A THEIF AND A SPY AND A TROLL.

Today, my friends, this is about....
THE LIAR.
THE FAKER.
THE TROLL.
THE.
THE...
THE FAKE DISCOVERER OF AMERICA.
Ok. So. Christopher Columbus SAID he discovered America first. BUT THAT IS... A LIE. Christopher Columbus’s life was FULL of mystery and riddles.
OGURL.
A lot of people disagree about his geneology. WHO WAS HE RELATED TO? WHERE DID HE COME FROM? WHO IS THIS lying MAN?
Also, where exactly did he land? DID HE EVEN LAND? DID HE EVEN LAND IN AMERICA? ~NOBODY KNOWS~
And what about his faith? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A CHRISTIAN. BUT A LOT OF ACTIONS CONTRADICTED THEMSELVES. WAS HE REALLY A CHRISTIAN? HE WAS A LIAR. THAT’S WHAT HE WAS.
Christopher Columbus wrote in his diary (tee hee~ :3) that he was born in Genoa, Italy. A buncha history books claim that Chris was Italian.
BUT SOME PEOPLE THINK HE WAS GREEK. THERE IS EVIDENCE THAT HE WAS GREEK. HE COULD HAVE BEEN A SPANISH JEW. HE COULD HAVE BEEN PORTUGUESE. THERE’S EVIDENCE FOR ALL OF IT. HE’S A LIAR.
Whatever he was, he SURE AS MONKEYS WASN’T ITALIAN.
In factttt...
HE WAS PROBABLY A SPY TOO.
A PORTUGAL SPY. FOR THE KING.
BECAUSE HE WAS SENT TO SPAIN TO LURE SPANISH SOLDIERS AWAY FROM AFRICA BECUZ IT WAS THE PORTUGUESE'S TRADE ROUTES..
But no 4srs that’s a legit theory.
And Christopher Columbus isn’t like one of those names like Cosimo de’Medici.
AND THERE IS EVEN EVIDENCE THAT HE CHANGED. HIS. NAME.
Isn’t that really suspicious? Like, really weird?
SPIES CHANGE THEIR NAMES ALL THE TIME. AMIRITE?
Chris (if that’s even his real name!) used the name Cristoval Colon. Sometimes, Cristoval is spelled Cristobal.
OGURL.
Also, there aren’t any pictures of Chris. NONE. NO PORTRAITS. Any of the pictures you see today were not painted when he was alive.
ISN’T THAT KINDA WEIRD?
WHO EXACTLY WAS CHRIS?
Also, he has a weird signature. Because it was made up of GREEK AND LATIN LETTERS IN THE SHAPE OF A PYRAMID ON FOUR LINES
Check it:


Uhmyeah.
That’s...
weird.
IT’S KINDA SUSPICIOUS.
NOBODY REALLY SPOKE GREEK OR LATIN.
NOBODY KNOWS WHY HE DID IT LIKE THAT.
And the last line “xpo ferens” means “Christ Bearer”
Yeah. That doesn’t make any sense.
BUT IN 1492 CHRIS SAILED THE OCEAN BLUE.
So a lot of people believe that he sailed west to just kinda go around the world and get to the east. Why did he want to go to the east? Because China, Japan, and India had silkkk and spicesss and gemmms and gollld. AND BECAUSE PRESTER JOHN.
Chris called his adventure the “Enterprise to the Indies”
Also, he was not the creator of the idea of sailing west to go east.
SO HE WAS A THIEF TOO. A LIAR AND A THIEF AND A SPY AND A TROLL.
So Chis needed some money. So King John (HIS SPYMASTER) had gotten an appeal from Chris. John turned him down. HMMTHAT’SODD. Ok so then he asked Isabella and Ferdinand (muhmeber them?)
BUT DID JOHN REALLY TURN DOWN CHRIS? DID HE USE HIM AS A DECOY? Because without funding from King John, he got a lot of Spain’s money. And without money, they couldn’t support their troops. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Ohyeah~
Ok.
Back to business.
So Chris had moved to Spain. Bella and Ferd had funded him. So it actually took Chris SIX YEARS OF BEGGING to get his funding. Hmm. IT SOUNDS LIKE HE WAS REALLY DETERMINED. WHY DIDN’T HE PLEAD WITH JOHN? HMM? WHY? THAT’S A BIT ODD.
So after 6 years years, Isabella, who was the same age as Chris, Shared her... zealousness to go to sea. So Isabella convinced Ferd to fund him. After Isabella convinced him, Chris got the monkey outta Spain.
I WONDER IF ISABELLA SHARED ANYTHING ELSE WITH HIM HMMM IT’S A BIT ODD DON’TCHA THINK.
So Chris had some ships and 90 men. Three shrips. The Santa Claus, the
Piñata, and the Nunya.
So they set sail. The Nunya and Piñata were smaller than the Santa Claus, but they were easy to steer. They were captained by some brothers. THE PINZON BROTHERS
The Santa Claus was kinda awkward to manage, but it was 7 feet long and 12 feet wide. So they were really tiny. He called himself the “Admiral” of his “fleet”. His fleet of... three ships? None of which were that big? Oh whatever. So the brothers and Chris sailed out. They stopped at the Canary Islands, which is right off the coast of Africa.


So then they left after they stocked up. For three days they could still see land on the horizon, but after that, they could only see ocean. OGURL. And it was THREE. WEEKS. Before they saw land again. So Chris had a lot of faith in that time, but his crew was getting really tired. Chris LIED and said that they weren’t far from land.
LIAR.
LIAR LIAR PANTS OF FIRE.
So he kept two diaries. A fake one, and a legit one. On September 9th, he confessed in his legit journal that he had been lying. The fake info was not enough to keep them from getting mutinous. So at the start of the third week, they started spazzin out. Chris said, “YO, GUYS, JUST A FEW MORE DAYS. DON’T. WORRY.” But Boy-who-cried-wolf mode went on. They started thinking about throwing Chris overboard. Some thought he had a SECRET MAP THAT TOLD HIM WHERE TO GO.
Oooo THAT’S REALY WEIRD.
Because his crew had seen little glimpses of land, they were really worried.
HMM THAT’S WEIRDDD.
Also, he caught a lot of odd winds.
So they were getting really really close to land. Chris said that for the first person person who saw land got a shipment of gold and silk. That got everyone excited. They saw birds. they saw twigs. But no land. BUT THEN SOMEONE SAW IT. You know who saw land first? Chris saw land first. So he got himself a shipment.
AND THEN THEY GOT THERE.
Chris named where he landed San Salvador. That means Holy Savior. So they got to land. They were greeted by the Natives, and Chris gave them some bonnets and beads.
BUT! FOR NOW, I MUST GO. SOON, WE WILL TALK ABOUT THE REST OF HIS VOYAGE. AND... HIS LOSS OF REPUTATION.
(bambambammm!)

Monday, October 31, 2011

*LEGASP*

So you guyz muhmeber the Italian Rennisance. You guyz muhmember Cosimo. Cosimo de’Medici. Well there were more de’Medicis in Italy. There were some great de’Medicis, and a lot were great. But there are only ONE magnificent. And he was Cosimo’s grandson. He loved the arts, the classics, music, architecture, and allathat jayazz. So the golden ages were returning, and Lorenzo the Magnificent was ruling.
BUT HE HAD SOME ENEMIES.
Another family were 4srs about getting him off of the “throne.” And an Archbishop and Lorenzo weren’t really bestfrands.
So the family and the Archbishop got together and they ~planned~.
*LEGASP*
They were going to kill Lorenzo.
*LEGASP*
BUT WAIT.
*LEGASP*
They were going to do it ON SUNDAY.
*LEGASP*
ON EASTER.
*LEGASP*
DURING CHURCH.
*LEGASP*
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.
*LEGASP*
...
SO THEY DID IT.
They stabbed Lorenzo’s brothah TO DEATH. It was not just a quick little thing, they like tackled him and did it over and over and over.
But Lorenzo only got a cut from the fight.
So Lorenzo was outta the church, and the Archbishop decided to rouse the crowd/mob/riot AGAINST the de’Medici family.
So do you think that they all were like “YAH FREEDOM WOO FORGET THE DE’MEDICIS.”
OR were like like “LOLNOPE”
Well, they were all pretty confused after the MURDER THEY ALL JUST WITNESSED.
however, they still had good common sense. They yelled something in Italian, which translates to “LONG LIVE THE BALLS!”
...
psh...
PSHAHAHA
LOLOLOLOL
Ok.
Uhm...
Ok.
So the Archbiship did a pretty bad job of turning the crowd against the family. So what’d they do? THEY HUNG THE ARCHBISHIP AND THE MURDERER. So we just have, you know, a little riot.
The other murderer was stripped and dragged around the street.
Yeah. It’s a riot.


So news of this reached Mr. P-to-da-ope. He learned that the Archbishop had been hung, and he got rull mad. He punished the city of Florence and he excommunicated Lorenzo.


So if this weren’t Harsh enough (it gets worse.), Mr. P-to-da-ope started a war. Against Florence. WITH NAPLES.
BUT WAIT! It’s about to get more interesting.
In response to this crisis, Lorenzo decided tooo...
GO TO NAPLES ALONE TO TALK WITH THE KING WHO HAD DECLARED WAR AGAINST HIM.
It’s like Obama goin’ over to have a little chit-chat wif (enter good analogy here because I can’t th ink of one.)
He could have gone and killed Lorenzo right there, but he was too confused to do it. So he decided to let Lorenzo explain what was goin’ on. Apparently, he explained himself pretty well, because he stayed in Naples for THREE MONTHS AS AN HONOURED GUEST.
So they cancelled the war.
And Mr. P-to-da-ope just said “Meh. Whatever.” and he forgot the war. Lorenzo went back to Florence and the unquestioned but loved ruler. He got 70 peeps to help him rule - a council, if you will. The Council of 70. That’s the legit name. It’s like the Super Committee. Council of 70, Super Committee. Original names.
So Lorenzo was in every parade, had a lot of books, was a good politician, and was, over all, a pretty great guy. He wrote songs for carnivals, went to carnivals, employed special musicians for carnivals, and pretty much had a good time. At carnivals. Andeven when there weren’t carnivals, people sang his songs and danced in the streets because everybody likes a good PARTAYY~.
His passion for music was deeper than carnival stuff though. He wrote sonnets, love sonnets, nature sonnets, hymns, Biblical plays, and allathat. And pretty much, everybody loved him. He was a patron of the arts, and he influenced a guy named Sandro Botticelli. He was a painter, and he brought Greek/Roman mythology to life via painting. lolno not really. But he painted a lot of mythology stuff and he did it REALLY well. So Botticelli had been paintin’ mythology stuff, and a preacher came in and said to all of Florence, “YOU GUYS SHOULD REPENT.” So Botticelli decided to stop painting mythology stuff and he decided to ONLY paint Bibley stuff.
Now because Lorenzo was so epicawesomesaucewin, I wish I could say he lived a long time. But he didn’t. So he died, and the whole town, and ALL of Italy, mourned his passing. He died at 43, with the same priest that converted Botticelli praying over him.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Renaissance Man.

Ok. So. There was this guy. His name was Cosimo de’Medici. We’ll call him Mo the other Mo.)
And his family was very big and very famous. Three of the people in his family were Popes, Mo’s grandson was called “The Great” and three women in his family were queens. And Mo was the father of his country.
So Mo was responsible for getting the renaissance out the door.
So, Mo lived in Italy. Go figure. So it wasn’t all nice and together like you see it today. It was kinda like Greece was, with a buncha little city-states. They were ruled by rich peeps instead of kings, and they all fought with each other.
One of these city states was Florence, which was the home of Mo. They were bankers, and they had some moneh. And with wealth and power, they decided they’d rule Florence. Nobody stopped them. Mo was the second Medici to rule Florence, and everyone liked him. He liked to read stuffz, and so he bought books directly from the scholars that were fleeing from Istanbul/Constantinople. So Mo just bought the books, which were Greek Manuscripts and stuff from SPA (For those of you who don’t remember, SPA is Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle. SPA~!) So Mo spent lotsa moneh on books. He had THOUSANDS of books written in Latin and Greek. He shared his books with people though, so that was good. In fact, he started an academy centered around his books from Plato. The people that studied there were called Humanists, and you can guess what they studied. Most of these peeps left God out of their buzznezz though D:
Some didn’t though!
Anyway, most did leave God out. *le sniffle*
So now let’s talk about some of Mo’s friends. Four of them.
The first was named Philippo Brunelleschi. We shall call him Phil.
AND HE WAS AN ARCHITECT.
So he liked to build stuffz. And he didn’t like the gothic stuff that was old from the Medieval times.


So Phil decided to look at the Greek and Roman stuff. So you can guess why Mo and Phil were friends. In fact, Phil moved to Rome for a little bit so he could look at the ruins. Phil as a famous dome too. It’s called the Dome of Florence. SO ORIGINAL. But he got to do it over some buzznezz with an egg that I’m not going to get in to because it’s a really long story.
So another one of Mo’s friends was a dood named Donatello. We’ll call him Don.
So Don likah tah play wif dah clay.
Well it was probably stone, but whatever.
Don was a sculptor, and like Phil, he liked to study Greek stuffz for his inspiration. In fact, he went to Rome with his good buddy Phil. And Don was a really really good sculptor.
So Don left Rome and went back to Florence. His work spread, and he has a lot of good statues.
Some of you might know Donatello, though to most of you, he's a turtle.
Okbutso.
We need to take a break real quick from Mo’s friends.
Mo influenced a lot of people about humanism stuffz. However, artists were slow with this stuff. There wasn’t a whole lot of Humanism stuffz in their art. Why? Because the church bought a lot of art. And they wanted nice, religious stuffz in their art. So if the artists were Christian, Humanist, or whatever, their work was mostly religious because the Church was paying them.
Ok. So. There were two artists. One was a Monk, and one was a Monk. One was painting sincerely, and the other was just doing it because he was getting paid.
Fra Angelico was the sincere one, and a friend of Mo. Fra was a nice guy. He was gentle and nice and kind and all that jayazz. His work is nice and inspiring, and even though he was invited to live the life of an Arch-Bishop, he decided to continue to live as a Dominican Monk. And Fra made a few paintings for out good buddy Mo.
Something odd about him was that he was still considered a Medieval artist, not a Rennisancian artist. Derp.
So now there’s... The other guy. Fra Philippo Lippi. ...
...
PSHAHAHA.
Ok, ok, sorry.
But.
Uhm.
He was hardly the angle that Fra A. was. Now, Fra P. was a good artist and all, but he had a bad reputation for... mingling with the nuns. He even had... A GIRLFRIEND. *gasp*
So he was asked to leave the monastery. He still got to keep his monk title though.
And this one time Mo LOCKED FRA P. UP IN A CELL TO MAKE HIM FINISH HIS PAINTING. So he decided to tie his bed sheets together and escape.
lulz.
So Soon, Mo died. He was a peaceful guy in his last few years. He was appreciated for all he did for Italy, and everyone grieved over him. He died peacefully, and is honored as the father of the Italian Renaissance.
OHBAITUHWAI.
There's a link up top. No, not the titles. When y'all comment (because I know you will), click the title again. Listen to the beeeutifuhl music from the History Lady, whose name I forgot again :c

Monday, October 24, 2011

So. Many. Henrys. =.=

Roses are not known to have great battles. But mother said our lesson is about the War of the Roses.


So it turns out that the War of the Roses was a battle between two families in England. These families were called houses.
So for 30 years, the House of Landcaster and the House of York fought. What did they fight over?
ROSES!
Who got to rule England!
So what’s this got to do with roses? Well, the color of the roses for the York family crest was White, where as the house of Landcaster had red roses.
WE’RE PAINTING THE ROSES RED, WE’RE PAINTING THE ROSES RED~!
Ok.
Uhm.
So.
Let’s review a little history of England!
So for a really tiny island, they have a pretty interesting history. We got Stonehenge. We got the Celts. We got Julius Caesar in ur England givin u Romans. And then the Roman Empire fell. So what happened to England after that? Well, the Celts were there, but they didn’t have the Romans to protect them. So the Angles, Saxons, and Jutes decided to get in on the action.
So these were the legendary days when King Arthur and his nights went around, killing dragons and saving princesses!
And suddenly vikings.
So The king of England decided to tell the vikings about Christ! And for the most part, that worked.
That’s why he has “The Great” before his name.
AND SUDDENLY NORMANS.
And William the Conqueror was all “HAY GUYS IT’S 1066 LET’S HAVE A BATTLE~!” So William won said battle and crowned himself king of England.
So a buncha French men moved in, and they brought the Feudal system with them.
So in came the middle ages.
And then the Hundred Years War.
And then the rats came wit the black death.
OK!
So, the Landcasters are ruling England. There are three kings named Henry. Henry the 4th, the 5th, and the 6th. We’re just gonna call them 1, 2, and 3. 3 had the problems that led to the awar of the Roses. Shame shame. *tsk tsk tsk*
He was weak and, well, pschyo. He showed signs of insanity, and probably suffered from catatonic schizophrenia. Which means he would go on for days at a time in a coma-like state, would snap back to reality, and would then go mad and throw screaming fits. Yaaay.
So the house of York had wanted to take over for YEARS. And they had their opprotunity. So they went and took over. They won a battle, but they didn’t make their guy the king, because the genius parliament decided to keep the mentally ill king in his position. So the Duke of York was made Lord Protector. Even though he was not king, he w as like the vice-king.
So this arrangement might have gone on, had it not been for the Queen. She was worried about her son. She was worried he wouldn’t inherit the throne, with the Duke of York having so much power and all. So she sent the army on the Duke of York.
And at the battle of Wakefield, she got what she wanted. Mr. Duke was slain in combat. So, in respect for the dead, she had his head mounted on the gates of York to rot in public in front of the townspeople.
DON’T CHU MESS WIF LANCASTER BOIII.
Well, the Queen’s message was not as clear as she had hoped. Parliament decided to make the son of the duke of York to be the next king of England.


And his name was Edward.
Now Henry wasn’t dead, he was just... Locked up in the tower of London. The Queen got out of the country, and after a few bloody battles, the house of Lancaster was out of the picture.
But this isn’t the end of the story~!
Edward IV was the king. Everyone The House of York LOVED Edward. However, there was a guy who we’re gonna call Earl. He was the Earl of Warwick, but that’s cumbersome to type. So Earl.
He wanted Henry to be king again.
So Earl decided to break 3 out of the Tower of London. So he did. Henry 3 (or VI.) was out of the Tower of London, and Earl was waiting for his promotion to High Protector or something important like that.
And Edward was worried.
MOAR BATTLES!
So after two battles, Earl was died, and Edward won. He claimed the throne again, and to prevent Henry from being king, he threw him up in the Tower of London and had him executed. Henry’s wife returned from Ireland, and she was thrown in prison.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!


Ok. So. House of Lancaster and House of York. Well the House of York...
They had their own battles. With themselves.
In the house of York, there was some sibling rivalry goin’ on. Edward’s two sons and his brother were all fighting over who got the throne. His oldest son got the title, who was 12 at the time.
Well, their uncle did not like that. So what’s the logical thing to do here?
LOCK BOTH OF THE KIDS IN THE TOWER OF LONDON~!
You know, after all this use, I want to know what it looks like. Here is a picture:


Oooh. It’s kinda castleyyy~!
Back to Business.
So, some people speculate that their uncle was doing this out of the kindness of his heart. You know, to protect the boys from the intense politics and all that.
I don’t think that’s right.
The true fate of the boys is still a mystery.
To trouble things further, a few years later, a young man came up and said that he was one of the escaped king. Nobody believed him.
So the House of Lancaster was just kinda watching over here. And they. Were. Terrified. So they made a plan.
WITH ANOTHER HENRY~!
So Henry Tutor, or just Henry, stepped in to the picture. He used force against the king. And the king, Richard, had a chance of winning. Until one of his lords switched sides.


So Richard died. And the house of York was gone.
SO HENRY DID SOMETHING CRAYZAY.
He married a woman within the house of York.
He had hoped to make amends between the two houses. And it worked.
The house of Tutor was formed, and the house of Lancaster and York were dropped. They were now ALL the house of Tutor. Then Henry did something else.
He made bodyguards~!
BEEFEATERS.
I can't find a good picture of one because Google images is being a monkey :c
I love those guys.
OK.
So, you know ANOTHER thing that he did?
He made on their crest... A two colored rose.
AWWW~!
Theee eeennnddd~

Thursday, October 20, 2011

SUDDENLY TURKS 2: REVENGE OF THE TURKS.

So some of you people have seen the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean. I mean, you know, it was ok, but this isn’t a movie review blargh. But you know how they went off the edge of the world? Like this:


Yeah.
Well, some people legit believed that back then. (They still do today. The Flat Earth Society. 4srs.) They thought that there were big scary sea monsters and stuff if you went too far this or that way.


Ok.
But so these peeps were right next door to Spain. They were in Portugal, and they were some explorers.
So you can really appreciate this, you need to know what happened to other explorers. People had tried to go from Portugal ALL THE WAY down the coast of Africa, around it, and head over to India. 14 trips had been attempted, but, well....


Or:


But more likely:


Yeah. They were getting kinda close to the equator, and they weren’t used to really hot weather. So they started SPAZZIN!!1! and freaking out and they thought the sun was going to boil them.
lulz.
So why did they want to go to Africa and India anyway?
Well, they wanted a new trade route. BECAUSE SUDDENLY TURKS.


The Turks cut off trade routes to the East. Which means no moar silk. No moar spices. NO MOAR GEMS.
And spices were important. They didn’t have ‘fridgerators, so they spiced the meat to make it like beef jerky. Pepper was one of those more valued spices. In fact, it was almost as valuable as gold. Derp.
So the Portugal's also wanted to share the gospel with the Asians. More specifically, Prince Henry the Navigator, son of the King of Portugal, wanted to do that. DOOD, THESE GUYS ARE ORIGINAL WITH THEIR NAMES. Hmm.
Okbutso.
Henry was a super legit Christian. He wanted to convert Muslims, he was in a cool religious group, they didn’t take slaves (like a buncha other traders), and they wanted to stop the spread of Islam.
Well they sound like some nice people.
Henry wanted to travel to preach the gospel, so he joined up with some Astronomers, Shipbuilders, Map Makers, and a buncha peeps.
AND THEN THERE WAS A THIRD REASON.
They were trying to find a ~mysteriousss~ Christian king named Prester John. John supposedly owned kingdoms in India or Africa. A letter was received that pretty much said “OGURL I BE GETTIN TAKEN OVAR BY BARBARIANS.”
So I’m thinking dood probably didn’t really exist. Some kid probably wrote it up and dropped it in the mailbox to see where it’d end up. And then it spread through ALL OF EUROPE and everyone was looking for Prester John.
So there was another guy named Bartolomeu Dias... We’ll call him Bart.
So Bart was asked by King John II of Portugal to sail around Africa. The king paid for the ALL EXPENSE PAID VACATION~! He got three of the finest ships in Portugal, and sent Bart off.
So he got farther south than anyone had before. He and his men kept moving. Well, guess what?
THERE WERE NO MONSTERS. THERE WAS NO BOILING. THERE WAS NO END OF THE WORLD.
Failmode.
So a really bad storm came. For two whole weeks.
*sniffle*
BUT. THEY. LIVED.
After the storm was over, Bart still wanted to go for it.
He wanted to go up the east coast of Africa, but his men weren’t to hip on the idea.
Bart, sadly, gave in, and he went back to Portugal. This time, he maneuvered his ships close enough to the shore to see it. lulz.
So another explorer wanted to go around Africa. By this time, Portugal had another king. He was a good one, and gave the explorer, named De Gama, a few ships to sail him off.
So he brought a crew with him, and in that crew was Bart. Bart decided to come along, which was pretty cool. However, he ditched the guys about halfway there. ~And nobody knows why~
So the guys made it without any boiling water, end of the worlds, or sea monsters.
So they were pretty much kicked out of India because it was taken over by Muslims, and nobody wanted them there.


So they went back to Portugal, and everyone treated them like heroes.
Later, they went back to India, and they pretty much BROKE IN TO INDIA. They sank a Muslim ship that held THREE HUNDRED PILGRIMS GOING TO MECCA, and at that, India opened their trade routes.
So what about Bart?
Oh. Yeah. He drowned.
As for De Gama, he died in India. He was kinda an ambassador.
Uhm.
Well.
That was... Anti-climatic.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Zombierome~!

list goes on.
So we’re going to add another to the list~!
IVAN THE GREAT OF RUSSIA.
Originally, he was named Ivan III.
He was born in Russia, but it wasn’t exactly a country yet. The Mongols were ruling Russia.


NO. THAT’S WRONG.
They were the Tatar Mongols.


Butanyways.
They were feared. At the time, Batu Khan ruled over the Golden Hoard tribe. And thought the Russians were ruled by the Tatar Mongols, they had a prince. And his name was Ivan.
And he was not impressed with the Golden Hoard. He couldn’t care less. I mean, he was a Russian Prince. He didn’t really care. But he wanted to free Russia. Someone, someday, was going to revolt anyways.
So being that Ivan is called Ivan the Great, you might have figured out that he decided to get the revolt over with. The Mongols had been in Russia for over 240 years, so it was about time Russia got control again.
So Then Ivan freed Russia and everyone was happy the end~!
OK. Wait. Back up.
Back before Ivan freed Russia, something happened. He gained power. How does one go about doing that?
HE GOT MARRIED.
Do you think he just went out and picked up a lady?
Nooo.
He married a VERY important person. Her name was Sophia, and she was the niece of the last Byzantine Emperor.
Ogurl.
LET’S BACK UP SOME MORE.
So The Byzantine Empire. Middle Ages. The Byzantine Empire was actually the Easter Roman Empire, but that was cumbersome to write. So they called it the Byzantine Empire.
And the Byzantine Empire had a church. It was the Eastern Orthodox Church, and the western had the Holy Roman Church. Ok. So even though the Eastern Orthodox Church was different, it blended Church and State, just like the Holy Roman Church.



So when the Byzantine Empire collapsed, Sophia was the last person in the whole entire Royal Byzantine line.
AND SUDDENLY TURKS.


Ok. So Sophia had the remaining power of the Byzantine Empire and the power of the Eastern Orthodox Church.
So when Ivan got married, he got allathat power.



So Ivan appointed himself as the Protecter. Oooh... That sounds cool. Like a wrestling name or something. AND THEN THAT SONG IS LAYING IN THE BACKGROUND AND THE GUY GOES, “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... THE PROTECTOR!” and then he comes out and-
Nevermind.
So we don’t know if he was a legit follower of Christ, but he took his position 4srs. He was like a crusader, because Mongols were Muslims, and he fought them off. He had a dream for a free Russia, and that’s what happened.
Sooo with Ivan married to Sophia, it was kinda like they were the eastern Roman Empire... In fact, that’s what Ivan thought.


So.
Russia was pretty proud. It was like a new Rome. A Rome that had been brought back from the dead. A ZOMBIE ROME.
Ivan was successful in leading Zombierome. He refused to pay tribute to the Golden Hoard. Sophia agreed with him on the bold move.
SO UNLIKE THE MONGOLS, THEY DECIDED TO NOT HAVE A WAR.
o-o
Ogurl.
So Ivan decided to call himself ruler of All Zombierome, and not just the little bit that he was ruling. He moved the capital to Moscow, and he had a bunch of buildings rebuilt. He actually brought in Italian architects to rebuild the Kremlin. Which was funny, because they were bringing back the Roman style.
Ivan dressed like a Byzantine emperor. He used the Byzantine Seal, which is a two headed eagle holding a sword and the Holy Hand Grenade. Oh, don’t believe me? You believed me about the Eagle on the blooming cactus eating a snake! Ok, well, here’s a picture of the seal:


...
Hold on.
...


YOU SEE! RIGHT THERE! IN HIS HAND!
Ok. But so.
Do you think everything was all peachy in Zombierome? Yeah! Totaly! Everything was aweso-
NO.
IT WASN’T GREAT.
Ivan got kinda brainpowerhungry. He deiced that he’d ditch his government pals and just used his own ideas.
...
FAILMODE: ON.
So he lessened the power of nobility because he decided it’d be a good idea to make a new class of land-owners. He gave land and power to his Armydoods. He decided to use the ABSOLUTELY PERFECT feudal system. He tweaked it a bit though. It became kinda like slavery, because they started trading their serfs. It wasn’t until 1861 that it ended. /lesob
And the serf class wasn’t little tiny. No. It was GIANORMOUS. They were entering the Dark Ages, unlike the rest of Europe. Well, Ivan wasn’t that horrible, and he wasn’t that great. He just kinda was. He was in the middle.
So even though we’re done with Ivan, we are NOT done with Russia. Soon, we will learn about his Grandon, whose nickname was not as lovely.
HE WAS...
IVAN. THE. TERRIBLEEE.

Monday, October 10, 2011

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

Ok. So. Everyone knows who Christopher Columbus is.
But he isn’t what this lesson is about.
THIS IS ABOUT THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
What was the Spanish Inquisition? It was a court for ratting out Heretics. Gee, haven’t heard that one before.
So the Spanish Inquisition was not a fun place.
At this time in history, Spain was not all nice and unified. It was kinda like Italy, but it was different. If that makes sense. It had royal family rules instead of rich peeps.
Well Ferdinand was prince of Aragon, and Isabella was princess of Castile. Isabella went to church and was good and went on Sunday morning and nights and Wednesday night and al that jayazz.
SO FERDINAND AND ISABELLA GOT MARRIED. Now it was political and arranged and all, but it was still sweet. They really loved each other, and it was good and nice and sweet.
Aragon and Castile were already the largest kingdoms in Spain. Now they were, together, LIKE A MEGA ULTRA KINGDOM THING. Spain was in it’s golden age anyhoos, so Arstile was amazing.
...
Uhm.
Casgon?
Aragoncastile?
Castagon.
There.
That sounds good.
Ok.
But so Spain is great. It has scholars and painters and all that. Woop woop.
SO.
Suddely THE RECONQUISTA.
Which means all the Christians drove the Mooselums down to the south of Spain


So Ferdinand and Isabella were raising money to fight them. However, they were getting a little extreme. They drove out anyone who opposed Christianity, which was not just Mooselums.
So that’s what started the Spanish Inquisition.
So it wasn’t really a thing, it was... Uh... A... Thing. A process, if you will.
The inquisition was how they drove the people out.
What they did was put people on trial. They would have to prove their guilt or innocence with crimes against the church. The idea goes wayyy back, but still.
The system was modeled after a court that the Dominicans used. They carried banners that said “Mercy” and “Justice”. They got a little carried away with the Justice bit though. They used. Very. Harsh. Measures.
As did Ferdinand and Isabella. They put their court in the hands of Tomas De Torquemada. We’ll name him Tom. He was Isabella’s childhood priest and a Dominican Friar who thought there wasn’t a thing wrong with the court system.
Oh! Also!
He thought there was nothing wrong with torturing people to make them confess their sins against the church.
So you’re pretty much gonna die either way.
On his behalf though, someone said that he thought he was saving people from eternal punishment by punishing them on earth.


So there were a lotta Jews in Spain. These Jews had a few choices when it came to faith: Convert to Islam and die. Convert to Christianity and live. Don’t convert and die.
So a lot of them decided that they’d convert to Christianity. Well, some didn’t convert fo realz, and they just practiced Judaism underground. Most of them were arrested, put on trial, and put to death, but others went on about their way.
Soon, Ferdinand and Isabella made Persecution even worse. They signed what is called the Edict of Expulsion. Expulsion does not sound like a fun word, does it? No. No it does not. Explusion means to be expelled. The Jews had 3 months to Leave Spain or be baptized.
So a lot of people decided to leave. As in, 800,000 people. Now I don’t know how many people were in ancient Spain, but when 800,000 people up and leave, that effects a country. All of these people took their businesses, left a ton of jobs, they spent some money to get out of the country, and Spain was hurt really bad.
So despite all of this, Ferdinand and Isabella were pretty great people. They sponsored Christopher Columbus, they were great rulers, and they had some pretty good ideas about the futtturee~!
So uhm.
Yeah.
The end~!