Thursday, December 22, 2011

Sneaky Little Polisticsss. Wicked, Tricksy, False!

Today, I received some horrible news.
You guys remember Paul the Octopus?
HE’S DEAD NOW.
Actually, he’s been dead for about a year. The one year anniversary was on the 26th of October.
BUT STILL, HIS NAME HAS LIVED ON, HAS IT NOT?
Yes, it has.
You know whose name has lived on too?
Niccolo Machiavelli.
...
Honestly, I’ve never heard of this guy. His name lives on as a political term.
I guess I’m just one of those weird homeschoolers or something.
Why would that be?
BECAUSE IT REFERS TO TRICKSEY DECEITFUL AND DISHONEST POLITICS, THAT’S WHY.
So we can only assume that Niccolo was similar.
BUT.
As you can probably tell, Nic was a full-blooded Italian. He came from Florence. And by now, you guys should know how Florence worked. Lots of men running around painting other men and sculting other men and writing and painting and sculpting and FASHION DESIGNING FABULOUS.
So at the time Nic was around, Lorenzo was around for a little bit.
AND THEN ROLA.
but only for about 6 years.
And the remaining Medicis were overthrown.
So here is where Nic comes in.
He was hired to work for Florence. The Renaissance was in full swing by now.
So Nic was working in Politics and government stuffz. He worked for a man named Cesare Borgia.
Now let’s take a look at Cesare’s family.
THE BORGIAS.
They were a a ~sinister~ clan from Spain, and they HATED the Medicis. (Mark one.)
DUH DUH DUHHH.
They were very rich and powerful, and one of them was a Pope. A really bad Pope. He has lots of children.
Not wifes. Or a wife. (two)
Multiple children.
AND CASARE WAS ONE OF THEM. (three)
So he was like triple bad.
And, of course, he decided to go for the fourth bad by being charming, good looking, intelligent, and was a PARTAY ANIMUHHHL. (fourrr.)
He took advantage of his father’s position (five.) to get things he wanted (six).
Because of his father, Cesare was appointed as a cardinal in the church. However, he soon grew weary of church buzznuzz. (seven.)
So he got his father to get him out of the position. (eiiiight.)
He also went on long. Expensive. Journeys. (nine.) Which were more exciting than his marriage, if you catch my drift. (TEN.)
He shot prisoners for sport as well. (Eleven?)
And...
EW.
EWEWEWEW.
He was in love with his sister. (TWELVE.)
And so he murdered her husband. (Thirteen.)
He also murdered a lot of other people, but hey. Let’s just count that as one. (FOUR. TEEN.)
Also, he was jealous because his brother was a soldier. So he murdered him. (fifteen.)
FIF.
TEEN.
FIFTEEN.
FIFTEEN BAD MARKS.
So he was pretty much evil.
AND IT WAS THIS SCARY EVIL DOOD THAT NIC WORKED FOR.
So he watched in his position he held for fourteen years as Cesare got everything he wanted. However, Cesare did not last fourteen years.
For Florence, it was good riddance. So the Medicis came back, and Nic was arrested. And not only was he arrested, but he was tortured and sentenced for exile. It was not a fun place.
Nic really really wanted Italy to be a country, not a bunch of city-states. He wanted to be like Spain, England, and France.
So while dood was in exile, he began to write.
HE WROTE ESSAYS.
He wrote a particularly long essay on how to solve the problems of Italy. It was about how the power of one person could shape an entire nation. Guess who one of the role-models was for this?
Cesare.
OH, nevermind that he was a ruthless murderer! Nevermind that he was a Renaissancian gangster! Nevermind that he was probably insane!
Let’s take a quote.
“It is far better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both.”
“A prince should not deviate from what is good, but he should know how to do evil if it is necessary.”
“Violence should be inflicted, once for all.”
“Princes, who have achieved great things, have given their word lightly, have known how to trick men with cunning, and have overcome those abiding by honest principles.”
ASDFKHGKHN
ASDFGHJJKL
ZXCVBNM,
DFHJBASLKVHQBI
IS THIS GUY /INSANE/?
WHAT.
WHAT.
WHATWHATWHAT.
So this al summed up:
IF YOU’RE A JERKFACE, YOU’RE GONNA GO FAR.
asdfghbcvbt63zh
NOW BEFORE WE MAKE NIC SOUND ANY WORSE (if that’s possible?)
Historians do not agree on if it’s a fo rhulz essay. If it was a satire or not.
Some people think it’s simply an observation. Not how he believed, but just what he saw.
But as you can guess, many a dictator has appreciated these works.
Genius decided to send the Medicis a copy.
The didn’t like it, and he stayed in exile.
He also wrote ANOTHER essay, which totally contradicted the first one.
I’m thinkin’ he just hated exile, so he decided to try and write whatever would get him in good with the Medicis.
He also wrote things other than political stuff. He wrote history, poetry, and comedy.
wut.
I don’t know, he just doesn’t seem like a very humorous guy.
BUT.
His name lives on, even if it was supposed to used in the way it is or not.
If that makes sense.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

More Moose~!

So far, we’ve only really talked about sculptors and painters and stuff.
BUT THIS GUY IS A WRITER.
And his name was Erasmus.


ERASMUS DESIDERIUS.
And it means “Desired beloved”. Most people think he probably gave that name to himself.
I mean, if I gave a name to myself, I’d give myself something like that.
And his most famous work is called “In Praise of Folly”. I know, folly is bad. It is a bad thing. I dunno.
When he was young, Mus’s parents died and his new guardians sent him off to the Monastery. He didn’t really like the Monastery, but he did like the books there. So he went anyways. But he didn’t like the Monk stuff he had to do. He didn’t like fasting, he didn’t like eating fish during Lent, and he wasn’t really suited to be a monk. So he just said “forget that” and he became a priest, but that didn’t really work for him either.
So he went to Paris!
He loved books, reading, writing, etc. etc. blah blah blah. He particularly liked Plato. Because to be allowed in the Renaissance, you had to be really really smart.
He already knew Latin, and he taught himself Greek. He decided to update the Latin Vulgate. According to Erasmus, the Vulgate was incorrect. His “updates” became really controversial. However, it made him famus. A lot of people were angry with him because they liked the old Vulgate. And others just thought he was a hypocrite. Which was why being a Monk and/or Priest did not suit him.
So he just kinda went back and forth from that point on between Paris, Rome, and London. He wrote a book of quotes while he was in Paris, which was a best seller. It was pretty much the Cliffnotes of the Renaissance, and he added some of his own quotes and comments.
He was offered a job at the Vatican wif Mr. P-to-da-ope, but he turned it down. He was offered a job at a university, but he also turned it down. He did get a job with King Henry VIII, but it was relly boring and he quit.
So in 1511, he wrote In Praise of Folly. It is a satiric novel.
Ohic.
He pretty much offends everyone in the book. He especially attacks the Church, but he was right about most of it.
WIN.
Other works he wrote urged Christians to come back to, well, good sense.
HOWEVER.
Erasmus was a Humanist.
He questioned Jesus’ God-ness, and his own Christian beliefs.
So.
Uhm.
Yuhh.
That’s about it.
UHM OH NO A STEGOSAURUS.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

It's Like a Double Hipster Thing.

So far, we’ve really only looked at Italian artist. But Italy is not the only Arty Hipster country.
Instead of looking at their personal lives and NITTY GRITTY DEETS, we’re just gonna look at some art.
Because you’ll probably never hear about their personal lives.
So let’s start with Jan van Eyke. He lived in Flanders, which is part of modern day Balgium, France, and the Nether-


...
No.
The Netherlands.
So Van (He goes by his middle name.) put lots and lots of details in his paintings. Like, a lot.
There’s a doggy on the floor. Tehre’s a mirror in the back WITH A REFLECTION IN IT OF THE COUPLES BACK, There’s the slippers on the floor, and it’s pretty much perfect. There’s the perfect features, which, to me, are really creepy. I hate perfect paintings. In fact, I think guy over here looks kinda like that hing from Courage the Cowardly Dog.
Look.


Ok. See the guy’s face?
Ok.
Now. I'm not gonna put a picture because it will haunt your dreams forever, but if you really want to just google "You're not perfect."
Yep. This little guy whispers ad nauseam "You're not perfect." Which is only slightly creepy taken out of context. Er, no, it's till creepy in context. It's from Courage the Cowardly Dog, so that's kinda the point.

OK.
SO.
THERE’S ANOTHER GUY.
His name was Jerome Bosch.
BUT HIS NAME REALLY WAS HIERONYMUS BECAUSE HE'S HIPSTER LIKE THAT.
And he went by Hieronymus. And he put in a lot of details, but his weren’t all PERFECTTT, they were just.... weird. He had three frames: Heaven, Earth, and Hell. It was weird. I’m not gonna put it, because it had, well, you know how the Renaissance guys were. But Heaven and Earth were all nice looking, but Hell... Well, it wasn’t. It had Ear monsters and it had fire and it had a big bird rat thing that was eating people and it had a volcano. It didn’t look very nice.

...Let’s move on.
This guy’s name was Albrecht Dürer. He just went by ü. Lower case.
He was from Germany, where art wasn’t really appreciated. So he went to Italy to study perspective and Anatomy.
One of his most famous painting is a pair of hands. That are praying. It’s called the Praying Hands.
They just look like praying hands.
ü was also an engraver. He has some really complex ones, and then you have, you know, grass and a rabbit.
Still, though, he is considered the greatest German artist to ever live.


There is another guy named Pieter Bruegel. I bet you’ve never heard that spelling of Pieter, have you? No. Of course not.
Anyways, he painted the Tower of Babel. It’s the Tower of Babel.
He also painted ordinary life. He liked to paint realistic paintings from winter. Not Like Van, but still.
So.
Uhm.
That was easily the worst ending ever.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Sad Panda

Look at your ceiling. Look at your computer screen. Look at your ceiling. Now back to your screen. Sadly, your ceiling is not as fancy as your computer screen.
BUT MR. P-TO-DA-OPE JULIUS THE THIRD’S?
His ceiling was nifty.
Why?
Because he hired Michelangelo to paint THE MOST MAGNIFICENT CEILING IN THE WOOORLD for the Sistine Chapel in Rome.
But the Mutant Ninja Turtle didn’t like painting, so he hired someone else. He hired Another Michelangelo.
Who also hated painting.
So Mich was pretty much born in the right place at the right time to become a great anything. Meaning, Florence around 1500. He was an apprentice to a guy who was a painter and a sculptor. And then He moved to Another guy, and it happened to be a part of the Medici gardens. He had access to some of the most beautiful artwork on the block (block being, you know, the world.), mostly sculptures. HE was invited to live in his master’s home, and he was provided with a room and a nice salary. They dines with a bunch of people, including the royal family.
BUT!
In this time, his nose was shaped.
Yes.
His nose.
He pretty much got hurt really hard in a game of slugbuggy.
Which screwed his nose way up.
So Mich had a lot of self pity, and he was all sad panda.
AND THEN HE BECAME A ROCKSTAR.
Because his two greatest statues? They were made real early in his career. So I guess he got progressively worse after that first greatest one.
And the first greatest one? It was called the Piñata. Or the Pietà, pronounced Pee-AHHH!-tah. It’s Mary holding Jesus.
And there was another one called David.
Well that’s a little easier to say.
David was 18 feet tall, and was wearing clothes from the Emperor’s Collection. The right side of the statue was sculpted so it was firm. The other side was all relaxed and stuff. And he wasn’t all “YAY PLAYDOH.” He was putting thought and stuff in to the thing.
AND IT WAS AROUND THIS TIME That Mich was asked to GO HEAD TO HEAD, TOE TO TOE, FACE TO FACE, ETC. TO ETC. WITH LEONARDO.
But he never finished his painting so nobody won. Herpderp.
What did Mich paint? Leo painted horses. So Mich painted the obvious.
SOLDIERS BATHING.


Because, well, he... He was... He was kinda like Leo. He was.. I... Uhm.
He was fascinated with...
Well.
Take a guess.
Also, Mich was a fan of dissecting to look at muscles, torso, veins, etc. etc.
The church was not a fan of this, nor did they like the barely clothed and muscular figures in his paintings.
But unlike Leo, Mich pretty much ignored landscapes, perspective, and still life. He said that painting these things were for “Children and uneducated men.”
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ICE FOR THAT BUUUURN?
Also, another thing he said for painting anything in general was for women.
C-C-C-COMBO BURN.
So how was it that Mich, who despised painting, went and painted the most extravagant ceiling of all time?
He was tricked. BABABAA~!
So Mr. P-to-da-ope Julius asked Mich to make him a tomb. Julius was ill-tempered, arrogant, and annoying. That narrows it down. Mich was also ill-tempered, arrogant, and annoying. Neither of them could agree on anything. Mich was sent out to the mountains to collect the perfect rocks. Then on the 8th MONTH, Julius said “FOGET THIS.” and he put the whole thing on hold. So Mich stopped on down to Rome and was like “I BEEN WORKIN’ FO EIGHT MONTHS GIVE ME MONEY.”
And you don’t really demand money from Mr. P-to-da-ope. But he refused to see him.
SO HE WENT EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT WEEK.
And then he just got mad and went home.
It took an official letter and three angry letters FROM THE POPE to drag Mich’s behind back to Rome.
So eventually he went back to Rome, but only one statue for the tomb was made. And then it got melted down to make a cannon.
THEN JULIUS HAD AN IDEA.
“Hay. Hay. Hay. Hay Mich. Hay. Make me a ceiling kthnx?”
Mich needed money, so he did it. But he grumbled THE WHOLE WAY. And Mr. P-to-da-ope also had a lotta power, and Mich didn’t feel like getting excommunicated.
So Mich painted 10,000 square feet of ceiling. From 70 feet off the ground. For four year years. The guy pretty much lived on scaffolding. Which is like a ladder plus a bed. He only ate what was on hand, and he barely bathed or changed clothes.
FOR FOUR YEARS.
Once, Julius hit him with a stick for not doing it fast enough.
Dude.


And of course, there were 343 muscular peeps all up in thurr.
Also, you guys know this?
(That pic of God ALMOST touching Adam. That sounded wrong. But whatevz.)
Also, the whole thing?
NO LANDSCAPE.
NONE.
Because those are for sissy boys.
No pun.
And then, four months after Mich finished the painting, Julius died.
So then Mich made Julius a tomb.
4tehlulz.
At the beginning of the Tomb, Moses is over hurr all Princess Celestia (brohoof?) mode with a flowing beard.
So then Mich made frands with a widow named Victoria (don’t get all excited. They were just frands. and they visited on Sundays, and they talked, and all that stuff.
Mich was a Christian, and so he want back to the Sisten Chapel and painted a thingy called “The Last Judgement” about 15-30 years later. It was about sin and it’s consequences. It was pretty much based off of Dante’s Inferno. As in, it was really really gorey. As in, Mich painting his face in the hollow skin of Saint Bartholomew.
Yeah.
So then Victoria died, and Mich was really really sad panda mode.
But in this, he grew a lot closer to God and Christ and alla that.
He pretty much went from one extreme to the other. All dissecting and stuff to Christ and stuff like that.
So.
Uhm.
Yeah.
The end...?

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Test Shall be Given With No Mercy.

The Ninja Turtle. The Artist. The... The...
Yeah. That’s it. He’s only a Ninja Turtle and an artist.
Except for this guy:


Well, technically, they have different last names. BUT SAME DIFFERENCE.
So Leo has a pretty sad story. His mother and father weren’t married, his mother was dirt poor, his father was filthy rich, and Leo was living with his mother. However, she couldn’t really care for him, so she gave him to his father, who tossed the kid to his parents, who then tossed him to his father’s brother.
Wow.
So despite that, Leo was charming and attractive in every way.
MARY SUE MARY SUE MARY SUE SUE SUE.
I’m gonna put this guy through the litmus test. I’ll post the results in the updates box over thurr.
But wait!
Not only was he charming and attractive, but the guy was a GENIUS. In school he excelled in math and music. He was also good at drawing. (no duh.)
So His father threw him to Florence. You guys know Florennnce. Big city. Fun city. In the middle of the Renaissance. Leo became an apprentice to a Goldsmith, Painter, and Sculptor, named Andrea del Verrocchio. We’ll call him Andy.
Now remember back to medieval times! Apprentices weren’t really paid in a "HURRS UR MONEY.", but they did get paid with "HURRS YOUR EVERYTHING THAT KEEPS YOU ALIVE."
So when he was about 18, he was asked to paint one of the two angels in the baptism of Christ. The guy thought it was so beautiful, so mystifying, so perfect, that his Master said that he would never paint again.


So Leo decided to paint something very... uh... wrong. He decided to break the rules of perspective, by drawing really really big horses and stairs that lead to nowhere.
I’m not going to put it here, because it will break. Your. Mind.
He was using “variety,” he said.
He didn’t really finish a lot of things, because he would be too prefectionist to let anyone see it, or he’d get distracted and go paint something else.
Also! This guy loved notebooks. He loved seven thousand pages of them. He loved seven thousand pages of them backwards.
Yep. He took noted from left to right. Backwards. He drew his pictures the right way, but notes? Backwards.
What did he write about? Weapons, geometry, ~fabulous~ Machines, Anatomy, the movement of water, Cameras (yes) bicycles (yes), UFOs (yes), and Helicopters (yes).
Leo also had the idea of Cars, tanks, and two-tiered cities. As in, like, yoou know. A city. With two teirs.
He was also a fan of dissection. As in, getting dead bodies and looking inside and drawing said inside.
The Church frowned upon this.


...
You know what I said about that Mary Sue thing?
Yeah.
No.
No.
Nonononono.
Also, HE WAS A FASHION DESIGNER FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS.
Yeah.
He also designed carnivals and stuff while he was designing fashion for the duke of Milan.
However, he started some really really big projects. Most of which he didn’t finish. One of his more famous was a big horse. A big. bronze. Horse. He was unable to finish said horse, but he did get the clay model done. However, the big horse was destroyed when some guys came in and needed some target practice. And to them, the best thing for them was a big 22 foot tall horse.
One of his most famous works, though, was ruined by his own experiments. It began to erode before it was done. Why? Because he had experimented with paint that didn’t dry as quickly. Despite the near total lost of “The Last Supper” it’s still one of his most famous works.
So in 1499, he left the duke of Milan. He went out and he waited until Ol' Rola died to go back to Florence. I don’t think Rola and he woulda gotten along, you know?
And that is where he started the Mona Lisa.
The Mona Lisa has so much that everyone loved. The lighting, the smoky look around the edges, the mysteriousness, the lack of eyebrows the variety in the background. Most people think that Mona Lisa was a real person. Something odd is that he kept the picture for over 3 years to finish it, and he kept it for himself for who knows how long. He had to hire clowns and jesters to keep the lady smiling. What smile?


I think she looks kinda like that. But on the Mona Lisa.
So eventually, it fell in to the hands of Napoleon even though Leo kept the picture with him at all times. Even while he slept. Yes. He slept with the picture.
That's not creepy at all.
Not.
At.
All.
AND THEN HE WAS SQUARED AGAINST HIS ARCH-ENEMY:
Michael Angelo.
They were both hired to make a fresco for the city hall.
AND OGURL.
They were at it. They both worked in separate studios, trying to outdo each other.
AND THEN...
After working on the sketch for a year and a half, the humidity was so high in the air that the painting disintegrated before his eyes.
But Michael never finished his either so it was a tie and there was no fresco for anyone.


So in his last few years, Leonardo went to Rome and helped bedazzle dah Church of Saint Peter. That also had to wait until Rola died. Even in Rome, he kept making stuff. He made a robot lizard. Yes.
A Robot Lizard.
With Flapping wings powered with quicksilver.
A FLYING ROBOT LIZARD~
So then he moved to France because he was offered a life of a prince. That was a pretty nice offer, so he was hired as a painter, an engineer, an architect, and a mechanic. He settled in a little castle, and he died in said little castle at the age of 67.
So yeah.
the end.