Monday, April 23, 2012


So you guiz know Mary Queen of Scots?


You’re gonna read about her arch enemy, John Knox!

You have three guesses as to why. YES, IT WAS CATHOLIC VS. PROTESTANT SHTUFF. Mary was Catholic. John was not. And to mess things up even more, Mary’s mother was a French Catholic. Her cousin was the HEAD OF THE ENGLISH CHURCH. So Mary had some really weird roots.

But Knox can have weird roots too! He was raised catholic. But somewhere along the way he fell down a flight of stairs and sense was knocked into him.

Well not really but he did go to Catholic school but came out Protestant. However that works. And he was a really really strong one. He had a little preacher friend and he was basically his bodyguard. Because Scotland was Catholic at the time.

Like, srs. A few were captured and burned at the stake. One of these being John’s little preacherfran. Apparently, John did not do a very good job :|

This left a mark on John. Because after you watch someone you guard with your life burn to death, that is a little source of trauma in your every day life. So John and some other nobles took revenge!


Which wasn’t good, but nobody really liked him anyway. So they just killed him and took over his castle. John wasn’t really into the whole revenge-murder stuff, but he did help take the castle.

And then he became a preacher!

And for a year, John and his friends had held the castle. And then Suddenly France was like “U MAD BRO?” and took it.

Now why the heck were the French in Scotland?

Because apparently, Scotland had been united with France a while back. And they bonded over their mutual hatred for England and it’s weird Religion mix thingy.

And as a Catholic nation, French troops came and jacked the castle again and imprisoned John and his buddies. They made them those people in the movies who rows the boats and were forced to attend Mass. FOR NINETEEN MONTHS.

John still hung out and was still Protestant. And then when he was freed. And he went to England and was a Chaplin to Edward. But then Edward died and and then Mary took over!

And Mary was a very strong Cathloc! Who burned Protestants! WHAT A WONDERFUL BOSS HE HAD.

So he got the monkeys out of England. And he went over to Geneva!

Which was a really smart place to go because it was all safe and nice and shtuff. He met John Calvin and they were best buddies and bleh bluh blah blah bluh bleh.

So it was really nice for Knox, but he got homesick so he was like “EVEN THOUGH IT’S DANGEROUS I’M JUST GONNA HANG OUT HERE.” but then the big fish were like “lol no ur not” and he was like “HA HA HA YEAH I WAS KIDDING!” And he went back to Switzerland. But then he was like “HAI GUIZ I’M BAAACK~” And he stayed for good.

So let’s pause. We have a lot of Marys.

Mary G. was French. She married WEDDED James V of Scotland.

Their daughter was named Mary. James V died.

Mary was a baby. She could not rule for hopefully obvious reasons. Mary G. ruled Scotland. Mary, who was half Scottish, half French, grew up in France. This Mary is Mary, Queen of Scots. Not Mary G.

Mary G. did not need to be on the throne because she was only Queen via Marriage. And she was French. Which is never good.

But she was a good queen because she allowed freedom of worship. A lot of Protestants ran into Scotland which made everyone happy.

Buuuuut! When Protestantism (Big words~!) started to get all over the place, Mary felt like the people were slipping away. Because Protestantism is slippery and it’s hard to pick things up when they keep sliding all over the place.

So she got one of those rubber things which help you open bottle caps when your hands are all slippery and she got a better grip. She started to make some rules which some people didn’t really like, and John Knox came over and was like HAI GUIZ and everyone was like HAI JOHN and he was like OH NOEZ THIS ISN’T GOOD LET’S GO INTO SWITZERLAND MODE!

Which sounded like a good idea at the time.

But he was kinda mean and hard with his preaching, and some mobs come and destroyed some Catholic Churches and stuff. Now he did not say openly “WE’RE GONNA GO START A RIOT YOU GUYS BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT CHRIST WOULD WANT US TO DO.” No, he was like “STRONG PREACHING STRONG PREACHING STRONG PREACHING” and the people had the idea for the riots. But not John. He wasn’t really related to that bit.



They were all Catholic. And the Protestants were like YEAH!

And the Catholics were like WAT.

Especially the Marys.

And Catherine.

The book was banned, like, everywhere. Mary G. made possession of it PUNISHABLE BY DEATH. Even his buddy John Calvin was like “Dude.” and he banned the book too. But he just had it burned and didn’t really kill anyone for owning it.

But some how he got himself into Parliament. and after he was in there, HE WAS LIKE SUPERMAN. He basically transformed Scotland into a Protestant nation by preaching to them.

So this one time he was like “HAIII LIZABETHHHH” But Elizabeth was like “ha ha ha no im a woman im 2 week to rule i mean u said that riiiiiittteee?” And John was like “...CRUD. YEAH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.” And then she was all “ok heres some ships so france dosnt kil u kthnxbai”

And that worked and she drove the French Ships on to the land and then the Scottish dealt with them.

Then John was like “LET’S BOND OVER OUR MUTUAL HATED HATRED FOR FRANCE.” and then Elizabeth was like “kk”

Which was really ironic, because that is EXACTLY what happened with Scots and France.

John was grateful, but he was still like “I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT CHURCH YOU GOT THERE.”

So he secretly like “i want to make scotland more protestant than england because i’m cool and hipster like that.” So he preached a LOT, and he wrote some books, and basically devoted all his time to BEING MORE PROTESTANT THAN ENGLAND.

He prepared the “First Scottish Confession of Faith” and the “First Book of Discipline.”

And they were books!

They were standards/guidelines for the church and state and blah blah blah. However, he was a genius and thought the state was allowed to condemn heretics to death yayyy!

He was like “HA HA FORGET MR. P-TO-DA-OPE” And got rid of his rules, but then he was all “HA FORGET MASS” and he got rid of that too.

But so this is now the Presbyterian Church, which is all cool and dandy.


Queen of Scots, this time.

She was 18 and pretty and smart and she was a widow (Which is sad, because she was married at really young) and since her French husband had died the French sent her packin’. Back to Scotland. As a really strong Catholic. In a really strong Protestant nation.


She got married to a Catholic nobleman and everyone was like “WaT.”

Deja vu.

So everyone kinda guessed this would be a repeat of Bloody Mary, but it wasn’t really that bad. She was kinda ok-ish. Sorta. But she and John were like “RAH RAH RAH”

And John was like “RAH RAH MORALS RAH RAH”

And Mary was like “CRY CRY CRY I’M A BAD PERSON CRY.”

And then John was like “RAH RAH RAH YEAH RAH.”

And Mary was like “CRY CRY I DON’T CARE.”

Likesrs. John was a really brutal preacher. And Mary’s morals needed to be reformed. And eventually they were. But we’re not gonna talk about that right now ;D

So eventually John kinda calmed down a little. And then he died. Like most people do.


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