Thursday, November 15, 2012

LONG LESSON WITH PICTURES AND FACES AND COOL STUFF.

SO THERE WAS THIS GUY WHO YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF AND HE WAS ALSO A PAINTER ARTIST GUY

Aaaa it’s just like that one time when we all the artists this is fun

EXCEPT HE WASN’T A RENNASANCE GUY. AND HE ALSO WASN’T A BAROQUE ARTIST. WHICH WE WILL TALK ABOUT LATER.

so his full name was

Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn.

now i dont know about you guys but that is the best name ever

SO HE WAS FROM HOLLAND. AND WAS ALSO A PROTESTANT WE THINK. AND HE SPOKE LATIN unlike his other brothers and sisters because they weren’t as smart as he was whoops

and he also dropped out of university

well this is awkward.

SO HIS PARENTS WERE DISAPPOINTED WITH HIM BUT THEY WERE STILL LIKE “KAY”

also he really liked to paint himself

he really liked to paint himself

he really liked to paint himself

NOW THIS PROBABLY WAS NOT DUE TO BEING LIKE “I’M AWESOME” HE WAS JUST THE MOST READILY AVAILABLE SUBJECT

LIKE. HE WAS ACTUALLY REALLY SHY AND QUIET. SO.

HE ALSO LIKED TO PAINT HIS SISTER. AND HIS MOTHER. AND HIS WIFE. AND HIS WIFE NUMBER 2.

Well I guess that one didn’t work out.

SO LET’S TALK ABOUT BAROQUE ART.

originally baroque was kinda an insult. because they were like “uh guys you can’t beat michelangelo and leonardo and ~raphael~

but then they were like “pfft uh yeah”

anyway lets look at some baroque stuff

check out this statue.

it’s david.


dat face.


just


just

anyway baroque was a really different kind of art like it was really elaborate and pretty and stuff

well not pretty necessarily, but it was just. yeah. and kinda over the top. yep.

so also you guys remember the catholics

WELL NOBODY READ LATIN SO THEY COULDN’T READ THE BIBLE. SO THE CATHOLICS JUST PAINTED IT. PAINTED. LIKE. THE BIBLE. which worked apparently ok

anyway baroque was so popular it’s just kind of gained a new meaning as a word like anything really big and extravagant is called baroque now

SO ANYWAY. REMBRANDT. He was in the Netherlands, which was kinda into the whole religious freedom thing. But the area he was in was mostly Protestant. So the art there was a little different since it wasn’t being totally pushed by the Catholic Church.

which makes sense. so e wasn’t really following that style totally since he didn’t have to???

ANYWAY. REMBRANDT WAS THE MOST FAMOUS ARTIST THAT DIDN’T ROLL WITH THE BAROQUE STUFF

basically he was a hipster

but we’ll get to that later

ANYWAY. HE LIKED TO PAINT REALISTIC PORTRAITS. AND DRAWINGS. AND SHTUFF.

yep

SO HE MOVED TO AMSTERDAM. THEN HE MOVED BACK TO LEIDEN. HIS HOME. and he was kinda his own boss yep

anyway he used a lot of light stuff. light up front and like black in the back. he was pretty cool. people liked him sorta.

THEN HE MOVED BACK TO AMSTERDAM.

people liked paintings there. he was doing pretty well.

also doctors

they liked to be painted

while they dissected people

like this


YOU SEE LOOK TA-DA THIS IS A REALLY FAMOUS ONE HERE CALLED THE ANATOMY LESSON OF DOCTOR NICOLAES TULP.

yep

so this picture everyone really liked it like everyone i dont even know

ANYWAY HE WAS ANNOYED WITH PEOPLE SOMETIMES

because there were lots of rich people who liked to be painted ALL STUCK UP LOOKING but remmy didn’t really like that

AND THEN HE GOT TO PAINT SOME BIBLE STUFF

YAY?

so anyway he met this chick

her name was saskia

well call her sass because i can

AND THEY FELL IN LOVE~

so then they were gon get married

yay

AND THEN THEY DID.

And after they got married he just painted her all the time

and also their baby

and everything

and people were like “uh this isnt baroque bro”

well apparently he just didn’t care cause he went on painting her

AND HE WAS RICH ALSO. MAYBE THAT IS WHY HE DIDN’T CARE.

because this is getting too happy, let’s talk about how his three kids died

so he had three kids

and they died

this affected him but i dont really know why huh

and then he moved out of his house! To a different part of town!

AND HE WAS SURROUNDED BY JEWS.

k.

anyway he was p cool and wasn’t like “ew jews” but more like “TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF”

anyway guess what

he painted them

because they lived next to him

sigh

REMMY CAN YOU NOT GET ANYONE ELSE BESIDES YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS AND FAMILY

also by the way

his wife died :D

so basically he was really really sad all the time and nobody liked to hang around him

anyway so he got commissioned to do this really big painting

and it was pretty baroque but remmy was still like “no i’m not into baroque i promise”

AND THEN HE FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS OTHER CHICK NAMED...

hendrickje?

we’ll name her hen

i like that name

SO SHE WAS HIS MAID.

oh.

also she was a ginger

BUT! REMMY WAS GETTING POOR.

because he couldn’t money.

SO HE GOT IN DEBT

remmy no that’s not how you money right

K

HE STARTED BORROWING MONEY FROM FRIENDS WHICH HE NEVER REPAID

STUPID STUPID DUMB STUPID

anyway remmy painted his kids a lot too

and then his other wife died

whoops

he never really got over it

then his son died

DUDE

poor guy

people kinda forgot about him

he painted 600 paintings, 300 etchings, and 1,400 drawings.

wow.

and then nobody really came to his funeral.

welp

the

the

the end.

oh.