Thursday, July 26, 2012

lol idk how do i titles anymore

ok so you guys remember Pocahontas right.

OF COURSE YOU DO. HOW COULD YOU NOT.

Well she got married.

but actually she got kidnapped and married and then she had a baby

welp.

OK LETS RECAP

POCAHONTAS WAS A PRETTY PRINCESS

but actually not we’re not sure if she actually had that title

also pocahontas was actually her nickname which means “The Spoiled One” or “The Playful One”

so she wasn’t really princess like whoops

SO IT’S 1609. John Smith (Not Smyth.) got exploded almost so he got shipped back to England. But he was alive k. And then some jerks were like “HEY POCAHONTAS UR BOIFRUNDS DED”

i have no idea why.

AND THEN IN 1613 SOME STUFF WENT DOWN YO

there was this dude named Samuel Argall who bribed these people with a pot? He told them to get Pocahontas on his ship and they were like “K”

SO Sam just kinda decided to use her for a ransom deal thing.

however this didn’t really go over too well.

Because the chief, Pocahontas’ daddy, was like “NO I’M NOT PAYIN U NUFFIN BRO KEEP HER.”

so pocahontas just chilled with the people. Got moved around a bit. Got taught English and some basic Christian stuff. They were actually pretty nice to her ish?

She was also baptised. And she took the English name of Rebecca.

ok this is not how disney went and i dont really think anybody wanted it to go down this road??????

Except for Pocahontas/Rebecca, of course.

ALSO SHE GOT MARRIED. To John Rolfe. she pretty much only married him so se get get freedom lulz welp

but he did love her so that’s really nice because he wrote love letters and all of those sweet things aaaaaaaa

Also her dad was like “NUUUUU” and did not attend the wedding

AND THEN THEY HAD A BABY BOY

his name was thomas

He was probably a really pretty baby ok i’m just sayin i yeah ok.

And then John decided to take POCAHONTAS (shes still pocahontas to me k) to England. And their baby.

So Pocahontas also got 12 Indians to piggyback along with her.

SO SHE GOT TO ENGLAND And she was nice and wore heels and BIG PRETTY FRILLY DRESSES OK I LOVE THOSE K THE BIG FRILLY DRESSES WITH ALL THE FANCY OK sorrry ignore me ahaahaha

BUT She basically went along “When in Rome, do as the Romans” business.

also apparently she ran into john smith once whoops that must have been rlly rlly awk ahaha yeah awkward turtle “Uhm you got married and had a kid. “Uhm I thought you were dead.”.

BUT when they were gonna go back to England, she got sick. And she was only 20 or 21 and she got really really sick so she just stayed in England. And died. And was buried there.

Thomas and John Rolfe went back to America, but then they got in a fight with the indians where Pocahontas was from welp

yep

well

the best ending ever right here yep.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

WELP THIS IS KINDA A LAME POST WHOOPS?

so apparently this dude was pretty controversial.

cool beans yo.

SO SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SAY THAT WE WAS THE FOUNDER OF THE BAPTIST DENOMINATION.

Whelp.

THIS DUDE IS NAMED JOHN SMYTH.

smyth.

yep.

SO ANYWAY WHO WAS THIS JOHN GUY.

He was an ordained pastor for the Anglican Church. The Church of England. The Church Henry VIII thought it would be a great idea to make to get rid of his wife. Even though his daughter Elizabeth was actually the one who really build the foundation for it.

so kay hang tight let’s talk bout some stuff.

IN THIS ANGLICAN CHURCH. There are two factions. Puritans and Separatists.

Puritans thought the Church needed to be fixed, basically. Basically they iconoclasts. DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. REMEMBER THAT. ICONOCLASTS. GO SEARCH UP ON HERE “Iconoclast Controversy” BECAUSE I WROTE ABOUT IT. COOL STUFF YOU GUYS. actually it was really bad lul w/e CHECK IT.

And the Separatists just were like SCREW EVERYTHING LET’S START OUR OWN CHURCH. they were persecuted. a lot. wonder why.

BTW NEITHER OF THEM ACTUALLY CALLED THEMSELVES PURITANS AND SEPARATISTS. that was a mean thing people like to call them who were neither puritans nor separatists.

AND TO COMPLICATE THINGS because things are a lot better complicated am i right THE SEPARATISTS ALSO WERE CALLED INDEPENDANTS, CONGREGATIONALISTS, AND BORWNITES.

and basically i threw all that on top of you TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING. That something is that THESE PEEPS ARE REALLY REALLY CONFUSING YOU GUYS.

NOW. WE KNOW WHAT THOSE TWO ARE AND THAT STUFF IS CONFUSING AS MONKEYS.

Now back to John.

He wasn’t very happy. He didn’t really like the church. So he just went and left. And therefore guess what people thought he was.

A SEPARATIST.

So he just got himself a new church. But it didn’t really go too well. Because they kinda got kicked out. SO THEY WENT TO AMSTERDAM.

which was actually good because it was a lot like the Church the Bible talks about for a lot of reasons i’m not going into because LAZY K IS LAZY WHOOPS except for one thing. The whole baptism thing. You don’t get baptised as a baby, you wait until you get saved and then you get Baptised. That was his belief. And some called him a Baptist and lots of people think he had the first Baptist church.

BUT.

THIS IS REALLY CONTROVERSIAL AND SOME PEOPLE DON’T THINK THIS COUNTS AS A BAPTIST CHURCH. Because of the whole Baptism thing. BUT I’M NOT GONNA GO ON ABOUT IT SO IF YOU’RE SUPER CURIOUS GO GOOGLE IT OR SOMETHIN.

but some people got mad at him due to the whole baptism thing. So they told him to leave. So he did. AND WENT TOOOO A MENNONITE CHURCH.

And then he died.

the end.

Monday, July 9, 2012

"CANADA IS FINE," THEY SAID. "THE WINTER ISN'T BAD," THEY SAID.

SO THIS GUY

Sam. Samuel de Champlian. And this other guy Henry. They went to this magical place BUT HOLD UP

You remember Jacques?

he didn’t really settle in canada.

BUT HE DID SOME TRADING.

and if you lived in Canada (or do live in Canada.) you’re going to want to be warm.

SO HE STARTED A FUR TRADE~!

and this attracted some people

ONE OF THESE PEOPLE BEING SAM.

Sam was probably the most mentally stable person we’re talked about this far.

no u get out

No actually he was a nice guy. And smart. And he wanted to settle in Canada.

K FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE MENTALLY STABLE THING no i’m sorry

He went to this little place called QUEBEC and build some buildings and made a moat. Right about the same time Jamestown was being settled, too.

And only 9 people out of 23 survived the first winter.

WELP.

He tried to meet some of the neighbours.

BUUUUUUT basically because of some reasons he got a lot of people mad at each other whoops.

And one thing that was nice about this guy is that he tried to understand the native Canadians. But that didn’t really work out so he just MADE FRIENDS YAY.

And his country France still wanted to find out HOW TO GET TO ASIA. But they didn’t really know how big Canada was. And also how remote Canada was.

BUT CANADA HAD A BUNCH OF STUFF? which might have been just as valuable as spices. And that was right. And Sam was all exploring and had a nice fur trade going. Most of the fur was Beaver. YAY BEAVERS.

so he chilled out with these people called the Hurons who was pretty cool people i guess.

He also wrote some pretty cool stuff. He was a Protestant Christian and he wanted to convert the indians but I don’t really know how well that worked out??????///?/?

SO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW HE WAS FRENCH?

ENGLAND DOESN’T LIKE FRANCE lolyeshedoesishipit

/cough

ANYWAY

so England just casually sailed over there and took Quebec and took Sam and probably locked him up in the tower of london becAUSE WHERE ELSE.

So Sam is referred to as the Father of new France. which is the French-speaking part of Canada. Well that’s nice.

and then he died. In Canada.

NOW ENGLAND.

They had a Canadaslporer too! Henry. Henry Hudson.

HE MADE 4 JOURNEYS TO CANADA. COUNT THEM ONE TWO THREE FOUR.

The first two were sponsored by this merchant company. Because LET’S GET TO ASIA GUYS.

So he was NOT BEING PUSHED OFF THE ISLAND BY THE GOVERNMENT.

so this first journey.

1607 LOOK A DATE. He only had 10 men on his ship and he sailed off to... China.

They did not make it.

THEY JUST RAN INTO GREENLAND.

So they just went home.

JOURNEY 2.

and on this one he recorded seeing a MERMAID.

which is so legit guys

did you know you can buy your own mermaid tail.

pretty dang awesome am i right. you too can be a mermaid. You can just buy it and put it on and then go swim around in your pool or the ocean note you still can’t breathe underwater oh shoot

get ‘em custom fitted and everything.

and in like 12 colours and you can even buy hand fins like their gloves with webbing between the fingers and face fins which don't do anything but they're pretty and I’M SORRY WHAT AM I DOING BACK TO THE STORY

THIRD VOYAGE.

SO HE WAS SAILING THIS JOURNEY UNDER THE DUTCH EAST INDIAN COMPANY.

WHICH WAS BASICALLY THE NETHERLANDS.

WHICH WAS TREASON.

But henry was like NO SCREW EVERYTHING and did it anyway.

So he sailed from Amsterdam to the north pole??????

To get to China???????

whut.

So he was just like NO FORGET THIS so he went south and hit South Carolina? And then Chesapeake Bay. Then he went north AGAIN and went into the Hudson River! This led him to New York.

Anyway.

FOURTH. VOYAGE.

This ship was called the Discovery and was THE INTERESTING VOYAGE.

Because he was being sponsered by the English. Again. So he went sailing off and kinda nonchalantly went into the Hudson Strait and into the Hudson Bay whee. And his crew was like “Whut.”

because he didn’t have anything to give to the asians to. like. get into their country.

SO MAYBE HE WAS ON A SECRET MISSION?

because he might have been looking for a place to put a port or something. Because he verryyy carefullllyyyy went along the very edge of the shore. and that might have been ok with that if THEY HAD FOOD AND WATER AND WARMTH.

and Henry wouldn’t sail home. And he wouldn’t tell anyone what he was doing.

and then MUTINY.

Because of hopefully obvious reasons.

Now there are stories that say they they lived or something. But there was a rescue mission and nothing was found.

welp.

The crew was arrested when they got home the England.

ahahaha welp.

that was an odd way to end this.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

idk my bff john smith old meme is old im sorry for using it BUT I STILL THINK IT'S FUNNY DON'T JUDGE ME

SHIPS. 3 OF THEM.

They were sailing away from England.

TO NORTH AMERICA.

And these three ships carried people. One of the more important of these people is

JOHN SMITH.

Please do note this is not going to be written in the form of narration that has been avoided in the past. Absolutely nothing is going to happen like that. Hopefully. Maybe. We’ll see.

BUT WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT ABOUT THIS JOHN SMITH, WHICH HIS STEREOTYPICAL NAME AND SUCH?

Everything.

ELABORATE, PLEASE.

No.

WHY?

Because I said.

C’MON. I ASKED NICELY.

Ok, fine.
...
...
...
GET ON WITH IT.

Ok, ok, hold your horses.

JOHN SMITH.

He was the one who more or less got everyone who was traveling to North America through the winter.

ALSO, THIS NAME SHOULD SOUND FAMILIAR IF YOU’VE SEEN A CERTAIN DISNEY MOVIE.

Called Pocahontas.

BUT MORE ON THAT LATER.

Who was this

JOHN SMITH?

Well he was born in England. But when he turned 16, he kinda left his house.

FOR ADVENTURE.

He fought some battles, bluh bluh found ships. Three of them. No, not /those/ kind of ships.

THESE KIND OF SHIPS.


No. /These/ kind of ships.


So there was a voyage and John Smith was like “YES.”

AND THEN HE GOT ACCUSED, ABOUT HALF WAY THROUGH THE TRIP. OF PLOTTING MUTINY.

Which he wouldn’t do. Well, maybe he would. But he might or might not have done it. I don’t know.

GET ON WITH ITTT.

Anyway! He kinda got chained up to the wall and he very barely escaped execution. Because to be frank, nobody really liked him and he wasn’t really trusted either.

AND THEN THE SHIP REACHED NORTH AMERICA.

They landed on the coast of Virginia.

WHICH WAS NAMED AFTER ELIZABETH.

The “Virgin” queen.

ANYWAY.

The captain here decided he’d name their settlement Jamestown. Because James was the king.

WHO SENT THEM A SECRET BOX.

Well what was in this box?

IT’S A SECRET!

No ok. It had 7 names. Inside it. The names inside were not to be read until they reached their destination.

AND THESE 7 MEN WHOSE NAMES WERE INSIDE THE SECRET BOX WERE TO GOVERN THE NEW SETTLEMENTS.

Basically there’s this thing. Called Imminent Domain. So if you want to go up and be like “Hey. You. I’m just gonna crash here for a little. I hope you don’t mind. Because you have to let me. Because that’s what it says.”

IT’S KINDA MESSED UP.

But basically that’s what they did to the Indians.

ANYWAY, BACK TO THE NAMES.

Three guesses as to whose name was pulled up.

JOHN.

monkeying.

SMITH.

And everyone, more or less, hated him. He was still in chains for about 2 months after he was elected governor.


NOW AT THIS TIME, A FORM OF SOCIALISM WAS IN PLACE.

The settlers were not getting along.

WHY?

Because not everyone was pulling their weight. And people were suffering for it.

SOCIALISM BASICALLY MEANT EVERYONE ATE FROM A COMMON STORAGE, WEATHER OR NOT THEY ACTUALLY COLLECTED FOOD.

Which is a pretty bad system. Doesn’t it sound like one? It sounds like an ok idea. At least, for those not actually working. However, for those working for the food, it stinks really bad because you tend to

ABSOLUTELY HATE THOSE WHO DON’T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU SUFFER FOR IT BECAUSE THERE IS NOT AS MUCH FOOD FOR EVERYONE.

And a big problem with the system is that

HALF OF THE MONKEYING PEOPLE WERE

“Gentlemen.” And that means they don’t do anything. They don’t plow fields, they don’t harvest food, they don’t really do anything.

SO INSTEAD THEY LAZED AROUND.

And when John Smith got out of confinement, he called for... uhhh...

CHANGE.

First of all, he came in kinda jerkfaced because he had kinda been hated. He was jaded now after accepting the fact that nobody really cared about him and he wasn’t going win any elections anyway. He had nothing to lose.

NOW DUE TO THIS, HIS METHODS WERE A TAD QUESTIONABLE.

And what were they, exactly?

POISONINGS, FLOGGINGS, AND ASSASSINATIONS OF THE TROUBLEMAKERS.

Well that’s nice. He pretty much understood that everyone would have to do stuff for them all to survive.

AND HE FINALLY MADE A POLICY THAT SAID, “YOU DON’T WORK, YOU DON’T EAT.”

Socialism was out. Which was a good thing. Because nobody had to be mad at anybody except for John Smith!

AND PRIVATE LABOUR IS A FORM OF CAPITALISM.

Which is what we have in America. Sorta. It’s sort of an odd mixture of Socialism and Capitalism.

ALSO, IT’S GOOD TO NOTE THAT JAMESTOWN WAS IN A SWAMP.

Which means mosquitoes. And if you’ve ever been in, you know, anywhere, you know that mosquitoes are probably born in the bowels of Hell or something. Because mosquitoes suck.

MOVING ON.

People were not dying! Malaria, Typhoid fever, Dysentery, oh my!

TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, IF YOU ARE UNDER 500, HAVE HEART OR STOMACH CONDITIONS, ARE PREGNANT, OR ARE HUMAN, DO NOT GOOGLE ANY OF THESE DISEASES.

SERIOUSLY.

So!

John Smith decided to get help with the Indians. Because they know how to fix this stuff. Maybe. And there were about 18,000 Indians living around that area.

AND THIS CHIEF.

He never really trusted the settlers, but he kinda sucked it up and dealt with it.

AND THIS LED TO NONE OTHER THAN POCAHONTAS.

She was the chief’s daughter. And according to John Smith’s version of the story, He was about to be killed by the chief and then Pocahontas showed up. She was like “nooo” And so the chief stopped. Yay.

SO APPARENTLY, DISNEY KINDA SCREWED THAT ONE UP.

Anyway. Over the next few months, Pocahontas was tight with the peeps.

HOWEVER, THE CHIEF WAS STILL KINDA NERVOUS.

herpderp. They had to get a bunch of gifts for the chief to even get some corn from him. Like, he got some bling. He got a bed. He got a cape. He got a sink-thing. Bluhbluh.

AND THEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED TO JOHN.

He was hurt. Because he was walking around with some gunpowder.

AND IT BLEW UP.

herpderp. So he went back to England so he wouldn’t die.

AND WHEN HE LEFT, GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?

Stuff in Jamestown started going downhill. Because this new ship had come and people started getting lazy and angry. And they didn’t come with enough food and then winter and people starting dying and bluh bluh.

THE WINTER CAME WITH 500 SETTLERS. THE WINTER ENDED WITH 60.

That means 440 people died.

THEN THIS GUY CAME.

His name was Thomas West. Thomas West de La Ware.

AND YOU HAVE THREE GUESSES AS TO WHAT STATE WAS NAMED AFTER HIM.

Anyway. He helped everyone out a lot, and he helped them raise pigs, tobacco, corn, and other stuff. They sent stuff back and forth between England and their settlement. Which meant more settlers. Which meant more women.

ONE SHIP WAS REALLY IMPORTANT.

Because it carried 40 women. And only 40 women. 40 young, educated, hard working women.

Which didn’t just mean. Uhh. More settlers. It also meant that everyone started working a lot harder, because people weren’t going to marry the lazy people. They were going to marry the ones who were out in the fields, hard working, and had all the pigs and tobacco and corn and bluh bluh.

THE RIGHT OF REPRESENTATION. FREE ENTERPRISE. PRIVATE BUSINESS.

The Right of Representation means that the people had a voice in what went on in, uhh, everything. And in 1619 there was a representative body called the House of Burgesses.

OH MY GOSH LOOK AT THAT I USED A DATE AND BIG WORDS.

So what does this mean? Well, they met to make laws. On the basis of representation.

AND AS GOOD AS ALL THIS SOUNDS, BASICALLY SOME STUFF WAS GOIN DOWN.

Free Enterprise and private business and all that jazz had a few problems. Some of the Europeans didn’t exactly

GIVE A MONKEY ABOUT THE INDIANS.

Well, some probably did care. But that was the minority. The very very small minority. And every pasture that was used? That was cleared of people. And animals. And everything. It took away hunting ground, to took away people, bluh bluh bad stuff.

AND WHAT DO YOU NEED IN ORDER TO FARM?

People to work the farm! Annnd guess who worked the farm?

SLAVES.

Now the obvious people to be the slaves were the Indians. But the Indians really didn’t want to be slaves. So the Europeans kinda gave that up. So they went over here to Africa and took some people from there.

NOW REAL QUICK. I AM NOT BEING RACIST. DON’T CALL ME A RACIST. OR CALL ME ONE. I DON’T REALLY CARE WHAT YOU CALL ME. THIS IS NOT AN ATTACK AGAINST AFRICAN AMERICANS OR STRAIGHT UP AFRICANS. THIS IS HISTORY. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED. I AM NOT THE ONE WHO ENSLAVED YOU OR YOUR ANCESTORS. MY ANCESTORS DID IT. THEIR BAD. NOT MINE. END OF STORY. OR MAYBE NOT EVEN MY ANCESTORS CONSIDERING WE’RE NOT DUTCH I'M PRETTY SURE WE CAME OVER HERE FROM LIKE WALES OR SOMETHING. WE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE OWNED SLAVES. I DON’T KNOW. ACTUALLY WE PROBABLY DID BECAUSE EVERYONE DID. SORRY. THAT WAS THE WORLD THEY LIVED IN. THIS IS THE WORLD WE LIVE IN. IF IT BOTHERS YOU TO READ ABOUT THIS, I KINDLY ASK THAT YOU DON’T. BECAUSE WE WILL BE TALKING MORE ABOUT SLAVERY LATER.



So! The King of England made Virginia a royal colony. Foreshadowingggg~

AND NOW WE HAVE A CLIFFHANGER.

Bum

BUM.

Bummm!

Monday, July 2, 2012

WOW GUYS UHM I WOW. DANG. WOW. WOWOWOWHAWEHKTAWJELK

HI WOW GUYS.

UHM.

So this is my 100th post.

Dang.

...Wow.

This blog has been going for what I want to say has been a little over a year now. Right now, we only have 14 followers on blogger, but do you know how many we have on Facebook?

NINETY TWO.

WOW GUYS UHM IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW NINETY TWO IS A REALLY BIG NUMBER WOW. AND SO IS 100.

AND I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE A GIF PARTY.

EPILEPSY WARNING I GUESS.

YEAH WOW UHM

THAT UH WOW.

THANKS. Thanks. Just. Thank you. Thanks to everyone who follows on here, who liked the facebook page, and just everyone who reads this. Thank you guys. A lot has changed in one year, but I'm still here. And. Wow. Yeah.

Thanks.











You know, maybe I should do this every 100 posts.