Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I’M SO EXCITED. Mom said this story would have lots of blood. Yaaaay~

First lemme explain a few things. We need to know what’s going on all up in the Holy Land. Who lived there? JESUS. And Israel was under rule of the Romans and the Jews. But about 70 years after Jesus died *le sob* the Romans took over all of Israel. And they destroyed the temple in Jerusalem *le sob*. And that was Biblical prophecy. And in 135 after dinosaurs (Or A.D. Or Anno Domini. Or in the year of our Lord. Whatever floats your boat.) Bar-Kokhbah led a little revolt against the Romans. Some people thought he was the Messiah, but they were mistaken. Their hope died when he died. Sooo then the Romans ruled Plestine (Israel) for the next 500 years. Wow. And then Mohammad (‘Member him?) came over and made the Muslim religion. Then the Muslims made the Arab empire. And they had an empire now, and that means that they liked conquering stuff. Islam started to spread rullly fast, but when they invaded Spain, France stood like a rock because Charles Martel (Granddaddy of Charlemagne). And we need to say THANKIES CHARLES because if it weren’t for him, there might not be a Christian America. And so the Muslims went over and conquered Palestine. And that is not good. They ruled over there for 400 years. And the in 1064, some newbies walked in and say “HAI GUYS!!!1!1!!!1” They were from Turkistan and the newb Muslims were really powerful. And the older guys weren’t to happy. Before the newbs came in, Christians were kinda tolerated. But these Turks... Well, they didn’t like Christians. Or Jews. And then they started to get tortured *le sob* and here is where we really start to get into the crusades.

Remember the Byzantine empire? Well, there was this Byzantine emperor who was really afraid of the Turkistan Newblets. And then the newblets attacked Constantinople. AND OH HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH LETTERS TO THE POPE. So the Emperor decided to send a letter to Mr. P-to-da-ope asking for help. At least it wasn’t an angry, insulting letter. YO MOMMA SO UGLY SHE LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW AND GOT ARRESTED FOR MOONING. But so the Emperor and Mr. P-to-da-ope weren’t really friends but they helped each other anyways.
But P-to-da-ope was preachin’ and promisin’ and he made a bad promise this one time. He said that soldiers who fought would be forgiven and received into heaven and some stuff that wasn’t right at all. But it worked and they got a buncha soldiers. Heeeere’s where the crusades started.
And in 1096 the Christians started a fight against the Muslims that lasted for 200 years.
So now let’s talk about the first crusades. They weren’t done too well because of the leaders. Their names? Peter the Hermit and Walter the Penniless. TROLOLOL. They didn’t have much of a plan as to how to feed 15,000 soldiers, so a lot died of starvation. Most of the people were peasants without any training, so erm. And then sometimes the Muslims would attack the camps and kill some soldiers, then they’d leave the bodies out in the sun to rot as warnings.
So the REAL first crusades went much better .They were led by knights and stuff and there were about 50,000 soldiers per thingy-ma-bob. And then they got Jerusalem back! Yaaay! But it wasn’t done in a real Christiany way :c They pretty much went on a big killing spree. They killed men, women, and children, without even considering if they were enemies or Jews. Blood in the streets was said the be so deep that it reached the reins of the horses. Now I don’t know if that was figurative or not, but EWEWEW D: But so eventually Jerusalem was split into 4 bits, each with a king.
And in comes the second crusade! In 1144 trouble started a’brewin’. And his time the preaching didn’t come from Mr. P-to-da-ope. It came from this guy named St. Bernard. But this one didn’t turn out to well, in fact, it was about as good as the early ones. King Loius VII and Conrad III also helped out in this crusade.
But so, pretty much, from these we’ve learned what NOT to do. Because most of the crusades were really fail, it didn’t turn out too well.

Thursday, May 26, 2011


Ok so our lead roles today are Mr. P-to-da-ope Greg and Emperor Henry.
We got P-to-da-ope, whose original name is Hildebrand. TROLOLOL. Ok, but so he was also short. And fat. And pasty. And he stuttered. PIGGY!
But he was good with people. They liked him. Oh yeah, and he was a monk. Which means he was high up there. He was advisor of FIVE popes. And he was a Benedictine Monk.
Now the Benedictine Monks were uber strict. They couldn’t have their own land, they couldn’t leave their schoolchurchhouse (otherwise known as a monastery.) they couldn’t get letters, and the worst of all: EARLY BEDTIMES. No srsly. But they had visitors at their schoolchurchhouses, because there weren’t any Super 8 motels for the peasants of the Middle Ages. So I’ll betcha they put on some pretty cool parties. Oksonow you know what a Benedictine Monk is! Monk is... Monke is... MONKIES.
Ok but soon Hilde became Pope. YAY~ He changed his name. Imminently. I can’t really blame the guy though. But so he changed the name to Gregory.

Erm, no. But I’ll just roll with it.
Greg made some changes. He decided that priests can’t get married. D: He had good intentions, but there were some priests that were married. So the priests had to give up their wives, or give up priesthood. SO SAD D: Worse than that was the government getting all up in the church’s buzznazz. AND HERE ENTERS DRAMA LLAMA.

Ok but so the Holy Roman Emperor (Which mostly wasn’t Roman. Or Holy.) But so The government liked gettin’ all up in the church’s buzznazz, and Mr. P-to-da-ope didn’t like that. So he said that the government couldn’t hang out with them anymore, which means no picking out guys to be church positions. Aaannnd that didn’t go over to well. Dood stirred up a big ol’ pot ‘a stink. And in comes Henry IV.
And there were TONS of Henrys in the Middle Ages. There were EIGHT kings of England named Henry, the first being the son of William the Conqueror. ‘Member him? Of course you do. And the 8th was... Erm... Henry VIII. There were FOUR kings of France, and SEVEN German Kings! Dude! That’s like 100 Henrys! But so this Henry was German.
And he was crowned emperor when he was 6. HE WAS SIX. And so by 19 people liked him. Except Mr. P-to-da-ope. He thought that because he was king, he could pick out whoever he wanted to be a church leader. It was all ceremonial and stuff, and so they had a special stick and a ring and all that.
So do you guys remember Charly? Charlie? Charlemagne? Well his Daddeh Pepin asked Mr. P-to-da-ope to help him become king. And Mr. P-to-da-ope always was a churchy guy, he was never in all that government stuff. And then Mr. P-to-da-ope had some GOVERNMENT POWAH. And so Pepin made a little deal with Mr. P-to-da-ope, where Pepin gave him some land. A lot of land. As in mini-country land. And so after Pepin’s death, Charlie was crowned king of the Holy Roman Empire. And if you remember, it wasn’t very Holy. Or Roman. So here the church leader (Mr. P-to-da-ope) had power over the government. That wasn’t necessarily BAD, but it was kinda confusing.
And what’s that got to do anything? Well, centuries after Charlie here (about 300 years.) lines of authority between P-to-da-ope and the government got a little... well:

So the P-to-da-ope didn’t mind the church giving guidance to the government, but the other way around... Well, he wasn’t too hip on that. But it’s easy to see why he didn’t like that, because that means that the government could pick out whatever guys they wanted. And so in order to defend the Church, he decided to teach that they were right about EVERYTHING. And oh gurrrrl it was on. And so Mr. P-to-da-ope issued a LAW. WHUT. So he issued a law against the king and the staff FORBIDDING them to appoint church officials.

Uhm. Yeah.
Ok so this made the king rully mad. He cussed up a storm and- OHWAIT! He called up a special meeting called “A Synod of Worms.” Synod is a fancy name for meeting, and Worms is a name of a city in Germany, so that actually has no point. But so Henry comes marching and goes OH GURL IT IS ON and tried to fire Mr. P-to-da-ope. And so our friend comes back:

And in the position of the king, what is the logical thing to do? WRITE AN ANGRY LETTER! So he did. So Henry called Greg by is birth name. Which was really funny, and really really dramatic.
And so Greg said “OH I CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.” And so he kicked Henry out of church. Which means the King fired the Pope, then the Pope fired the King.

And so forevermore there were fights like this between Mr. P-to-da-ope and the Kingeh.
And there is one more thing that happened between Henry and Greg. So Henry started loosing his popularity with the people when he was kick outta church. And so Henry, of all things, BEGGED FOR FORGIVENESS. YAY :D
And by begging, I mean he and his wife and his children tried to meet up with Greg in a castle. In the mountains. In the winter. And Henry was barefoot. And in peasant clothes. And he knocked on the doors of the castle. And so, Mr. P-to-da-ope, with the kindest, warmest heart of a monk...
But so then Henry was let in. Second he was inside, Henry bowed and kissed Greg’s feet and asked for forgiveness. Greg pardoned and forgave him.
You see, back in Germany, remember how Greg kicked Henry outta church? Yeah. By the time that Greg and Henry were back, turns out that the Germans already had a new king. Named Rudolph.

Ok so Henry and Rudolph up there argued. And fought.
So Henry was all mad again.
So Then Rudolph got killed.
When that happened, Henry took this as an advantage to make war on Rome. Not the Holy Roman Empire, Rome. And who lived in Rome? Mr. P-to-da-ope Greg. And so Henry ran south and attacked Rome. And so P-to-da-ope summoned his little friend William the Conqueror. Heh heh. But Will never came. So Greg got scared and went into hiding. And so Henry went and was all “I’M KING.”
And he got a new Pope.
And so for a time, Henry was recrowned and everything was nice.
For about a year.
Then Henry’s son kinda rebelled.
And while preparing for battle Henry died. And BEFORE HE DIED, GUESS WHAT?
And he kicked Henry back out of church. Again. TROLOLOL.
Which meant that he wasn’t allowed to have a Church burial. But the people said “Psh forget that.” and gave him a church burial anyways.
And as for Greg, he died while in exile. He was said to have died by stress and bad nerves. Because of Henry. And so neither one ever really won, and quarrels between church and state continued for many many years, but none were as interesting as these guys.

Monday, May 23, 2011


So some ancient doods built Stonehenge. Derp.
Then the Celts settled there. And then the Romans invaded and built some casinos under their ruler Julius Caeser. Pesky pesky Romans!
Then the barbarians came and then King Arthur tried to stop them. Then St. Augustine brought Christianity to England. THEN THE VIKINGS :D But Fred (Or Alfred if you want to be boring.) Stopped them.
But this isn’t about Vikings. Or Fred. HAIII IT’S FRED :D
Ok. But so, like I said, this isn’t about the vikings. Or Fred. Or any of those guys. THIS IS ABOUT NORMANS.

The Normans.
But so they were the kiddies of Vikings. WE MARRIED VIKINGS, WHADD’YA KNOW, THE TERRORS OF THE SEA~
Sorry. I have to sing that every time Vikings are mentioned.
But so apparently this isn’t about vikings, but their kiddies. Herpderpcircleoflife.
But the Danish (omnomnom) invaded France. And then they were given NORMANDY. Vikings from Normandy were named Normans. Then they adopted Christianity. SON, YOU’RE ADOPTED. Okbutso. The Normans started to become more civilized and less... viking.
And so this leads us to the star of the show, William!
No, not William Shakespeare. This William was the Duke of Normandy. *oooh, aaaah*
But so he had to play an uber serious game of hide and go seek for a few years because a lot of people wanted to be Duke. But when he came out of hiding, he was a big scary soldier that could protect himself.
But so William was BFFs with the king of England. In fact, he was his cousin. And the king was named Edward. And he was really Christian and so he built some churches and stuff. And he built an abbey. That’s like a church c: But it got real famous. It’s called the Westminister Abbey. Cool, aaay? Aaay.
And then Ed told Will that he would be THE NEXT KING OF ENGLAND~ But the people of England didn’t like that idea. They didn’t like the idea of a Norman to be king!

WRONG NORMAN AGAIN. But I don’t think anybody would like him to be King either.
But so the English had another guy in mind. They wanted Harold of Wessex to be their king. And so when Edward died, Harold claimed...

Harold said that Edward said to him, while Edward was on his deathbed, that he, Harold, should be king! So when Harold was king, another Harold (Whom I will henceforth call trololol) invaded. Now Trololol was a Norman. He attacked England in the north. AND I WROTE A POEM ABOUT IT.
Three men lived in England
And wanted to be Kingland.
They all fought and fought and fought,
Until Victory was wrought.
The winner was the best,
And his name was (SPOILER HIDDEN~)
But so Harold (Not Mr. Trololol) marched off north. But Trololol lost. So now it’s just Harold and William. While Harold was all fightin’ up there with Trololol, William was making the English people like him. So Harold and William had a war. It was called the Battle of Hastings. It was on a hill, erm, near, erm, Hastings. But so Harold was at the top of the hill, and the Normans were at the bottom. DUNDUNDUN~ It’s hard to fight up a hill, so they started to retreat. BUT THEY WERE JUST PLAYING PRETEND :D
William tricked Harold, and Harold + army ran down the hill. So then Harold and his army were split. Then Harold was killed by an arrow in his eye. Elch :c But so from there it was “easy” I use quotes around “easy” Because wars are not easy, last I checked.
But so then around Christmas time William was crowned King of England.
Now Mom just told me to mash up this lesson and the lesson about the Feudal System, which I already took notes on in an entire different thing. So erm.
Ok so then there was the BARONS. They owned land that the king gave them. As long as they were loyal to the king, they had land. They gave little portions of their land called feifs to...
KNIGHTS. Knights gave little portions of their fiefs to the...
PEASANTS. BOW TO ME PEASANT! Psh. But so there were mostly Peasants. And they were the poorest. *le sob*
But so that is called the Feudal System. It pretty much maintained control over England. BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING.
But so then William (‘Member him?) Got some French doods to help out with ruling England. Then he took a census of EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. Chickens, sheep, and pigs. Oh, and people. But nobody cares about humans. But so this was to do a fair tax. And fair tax, well, is fair. That means people that were paying less had to pay more.
There were some good things about the French Fries and Census though! There were lots of castles because the Barons built them, along with monasteries and cathedrals. Cool, yah?
Let’s talk about castles.

Big castles. Impressive castles. REAL Castles.
Well, as you know (Hopefully) castles had rooms. What kind of rooms? Probably not kitchens. Those might have been outside, in the event of a fire. They had eating halls though. And sleeping areas. And DUNGEONS. Yay dungeon c:
And shall we converse about the king, sire?
Well, ol’ William the Conqueror gained some weight. A lot of weight. Before his death, we had a lot of trouble mounting his horse. He could barely fit into his coffin because he was so fat. Elch. That made his funeral difficult too. Especially when there was a little fire that started. And when that happened, well... They stuffed him into the coffin. He proceeded to EXPLODE. EWEWEWEWEW DDD:
But again, we have an anti-climatic ending! So I shall leave you with a memory of William:

(Note: Please scroll up and click the title :D BACK IN 1066~)

Monday, May 16, 2011


So in Spain there was a little shepard boy. So sweet c: And he was walkin’ around being a ninja at night (because when you were little you played ninja. DO NOT DENY IT.) and he found a coffin and he opened it. And it had bones in ittt. EW EW EW DDD:
But so people thought it was James. And the Medieval Spaniards were businessmen, kinda like the Song peeps with their 24-hour restaurants, and so they were all “AY CHRISTIANS WE GOT JAMES OVAR HURR.” So they were a nice little tourist attractions. And oh boyyy there was a big asplosion of Christians around Spain. And then there was a bitty revolution. And by bitty, I mean big. And by big, I mean huge. And when I say huge, I mean ginormous. And when I say ginormous-
Anyways. So they got into a war with the Muslims living there (and there were a buncha Muslims.) So there were then Christian states. And over 400 years
later the Christians got Spain back. YAYZ :D

But our hero El Cid/El Cameador/Rodrigo Diaz/El Sayyid was fighting for the Christians. But sometimes he wasn’t very nice :c
People thought he was keeping some money he had for the king. I told you these Spaniards were businessmen! And he was BANISHED FOREVAAAAH. And so after that he was chill. He said “Ayyy whoever wants me can pay me and I’ll fight for youuu :D” but that isn’t good :C
And so he had his little army and they were buzzzaaayyyy. And for 8 years he was with the Muslims and that hurt the Christians. And then for 10,000 gold dinars (However much that is. I think it’s a lot. Let’s go with that.) he started fighting for the Christians. Yayyy c: And then El Cid and 7,000 of his buddies came in and captured a big port city. And that was really really important. Because whoever has control of the trade, erm, has control of the trade. But then he did something bad :C
He burned the Chief Justice AHLIVE.
ewewewewew :c
And even though the Christians won the war, it wasn’t good that he did stuff like that. He was brutal, not very heroic. But then he made himself governor of the city and he was just and fair.

Monday, May 9, 2011


AHHHH! SHAKESPEARE! No, no, don’t worry! Not THAT Macbeth. The king of Scotland.
Ok, so, mom said this will be bloody. :DDD
Ok, so Macbeth was uber drama llama. DRAMA LLAMA ALERT!

Oh noez D:
But so Macbeth was greedy and mean :c He was a general, but he wanted to be king. And so his wifeh was technically sorta royal. And Macbeth killed the king. Oh noez D:
He was king for 17 years. He was considered a good king. Whut .-. But Dunkin the Kingeh had a son, Malcom 3. And he wanted to be king.
But so Malcom + some other dood had a fight with Macbeth. Technically, Malcom and his friend won, but Macbeth was sill kingeh. But so then Malcom killed Macbeth. But he still wasn’t king. WHUT .-.
But so eventually, Malcom got to be kingeh. And in 213 years, there were 12 assassinations for the throne. Fail.
Ok, but so, now let’s talk about Shakespeare. NOOO!
Ok, but so, Shakespeare added to the plot. No dur. But so I have to read Macbeth. If I don’t come back, anybody reading this is welcome to my funeral.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Real Story of America's Discovery

Awh dood ok so this got me rully mad :C So you know how what’s-his-face discovered America? WELL IT WASN’T HIM FIRST. IT WAS THIS VIKING DOOD. And it happened about 500 years BEFORE Columbus. SO SAD D:
So anyways we know that Leif was Eric’s, erm, son. So he was different than his daddeh. He was nice c: And he had a nickname! Leif the Lucky. And so Leif wanted to meet the king. I’ll name him Olaf. Actually, that’s his real name, SO HAPPY :D
And Olaf would be a good boyfrand. HE WAS TOUGH VIKING YAH. but he was sweet nice guy c: And he was a Christian! And I think he was good looking. He was tall, so. Anyways, so eventually, Leif decided to go to Olaf. And they got to meet and it was nice. And then Leif became a Christian. SO HAPPY :D
But so Leif took the Christianness back to Greenland. Nobody knows if he started any churchadurps though. But his mommy was the next Christian vikin c: And a buncha people started getting Christian. But his daddy didn’t like itttt~ So Eric was bein’ all stubborn :c And then Mommy made a churchadurp. But poor Eric never was a Christian. SO SAD D:
So there was this crazy old coot like you need in every town. And he said that while he was traveling he saw a woods. And so Leif wanted to go find it really badddd. So he dragged his dad along, who really didn’t want to go. But before they got to the boat, his dad fell off his horse. He said it was a BAD OMEN THE GODS SENT RAH RAH RAH so he didn’t go. But Leif and 35 other doods went on the boat and sailed off.
But Ericsson and party got to an island. They were really sad because they didn’t see any woods :c But it was probably around Canada that Leif found. It was really rocky and fail. He named it Helluland. JEE LEIF, YOU’RE SO NICE. And then he found another land place. IT was more promising, and he landed on the shore of north Canada. It was really cold and there were bears and a few trees. So he left and kept sailing south. And he found Newfoundland Canada. Ay c: SO HAPPY :D
But he didn’t stay long. But he stayed long enough to get credit, and he named it Vinland. There were grapes and trees and grass and fish and grapes and grapes. That’s probably why he named it Vinland. And there wasn’t a permafrost. SO HAPPY :D
And everything was great in Canada and all, but he liked his home. So he went back with all these awesome stories, but Leif never made Canada his home. So sad D:
But so there was a group of 60 men. And 5 women. WHUT. Ok but so there was a couple that had a baby and his name was Snorry. Pronounced Snore-ee. I wonder if he snored. But so he was probably the first white baby to be bon in north America. SO HAPPY :D
But there was sum trouble with the natives. No duh. Vikings + anything normally doesn’t turn out well. But so the vikings left, and they only went back to get woods. And on another note, Leif’s sister was crazy. I can’t type the whole story here but she scared natives and kiled a whole ship of men. SO SAD D:
And then 400 years LATER Columbus came along and discovered America. And took all the credit. And then he went to Iceland to study vikings, and he took all the credit for being first white

Monday, May 2, 2011


Oh those tricky tricky vikings! Iceland, muhmember that place? It was actually pretty nice and purdy and kinda green. And Guess what? Greenland was kinda cold and icy and lame .-.
And there was this dood Eric the Red. He was red. He had red hair. He had a bad temper. He had red skin. He ate red meat. He had red clothes. Well, he might not have had red skin or red clothes, but I always pictured him with red skin.
Eric grew up in Iceland, and he got married. I’m not even going to try to spell her name. And they had a baby and they named him Leif. Leif Ericsson. WOAH MAN THAT’S SO ORIGINAL.
And so Eric the Red was mean. He got in a fight and he killed two people. MAMA, I JUST KILLED A MAAAAANNNN~
But so because of that Eric was exiled. So he got in a boat and he sailed away. And about 80 years before he was exiled, some other guys got on a boat and found an island called Skerries. As in, Scaries.
But so being a viking, Eric wanted to go asplorin’. He went to Skerries and he liked it. So he got a buncha stuff and 25 ships. Only 14 got there. BAM DAM DAAAAAAAM~
But it wasn’t really all that great. It was cold and icy and all snowy :c And so He decided to rename it Greenland. Oh it sounds so green and lush and purdy :D
And oh, it was alriiight, but... The farmers did find enough stuff to live, like wildlife and land and all that nice stuff. LIKE NARWHALS :DDD

But the middle of the island was a no-go. It was super duper icy and fail :c I’m talking 7,000-10,000 feet of pure, solid ICE. IT GOES OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAND!
Excuse me.
Ok, but so, nobody went there. No traders or nothin’. Because nobody wanted the Titanic to happen early.
And Greenland only has 6 months a year of sun. Now some people say “well herpderp no sun.” but they’d go “OH MAN I MISS THE SUN DDD:” and then after their 6 months of no sun some people here would say “well herpderp sun’s back.” but they’d go “OH YAY SUN WE MISSED JOO :DDD”
And so there were some people from Alaska around the same time wanted to go to Greenland. So they were dog-sledding around Canada and they went to visit their viking buddies. They got along alright. So Mr. Sarah Palin was all “WOO HOO HAY MR. VIKING LOOK AT US AND OUR FANCY KAYAKS.” Yeah, the Eskimos liked Kayaks. Because if you see an iceberg in a kayak you’re just like “*paddle paddle* alright it’s all good!” But if you’re in a viking boat you’re like “I’M GOING TO TIP OVER AND DIE!”
And the Eskimos also lived in hobbit holes. I’m dead serious. They lived. In. Hobbit. Holes. In the side of hills. Win.
But what happened to Eric and his peeps? He died. And after 400 years they all died. A derpderp. Poor Eric + Peeps. You will be missed strong and stupid vikings.
And the Eskimos lived on. YAY.