Friday, December 14, 2012

i don't always stop posting and then randomly start again, but when i do, it's on the wrong day.

mom has specifically stated that i can’t but any bad jokes in here

sigh.

SO ANYONE HERE FROM THE GREAT STATE OF CONNECTICUT?

I SURE HOPE SO. BECAUSE YOUR STATE WAS FOUNDED BY A GUY NAMED THOMAS HOOKER

yep

SO HE WAS BORN IN ENGLAND. and he was a puritan. sort of. then he went to college and was a super puritan and started preaching

BUT HE JUST SO HAPPENED TO BE LIVING AT THE TIME WHEN THE ENGLISH CHURCH REALLY DIDN’T LIKE PURITANS.

and there was this mean archbishop who didn’t like him at all and tom here quit preaching but the guy was still like “NO I’MMA ARREST YOU BECAUSE I’M STUPID.”

So Tom went to the netherlands~!

but he was like “meh” so he WENT TO AMERICA.

but the archbishop still didn’t like him and actually followed him for a while until tom went out to sea

AND HE WENT THERE ON A SHIP NAMED THE GRIFFON. AND HE LIKED IT SORTA. HE WAS FORCED TO LIKE IT FOR 8 WEEKS, ACTUALLY. WHICH IS WHEN HE GOT TO SHORE.

so he kinda settled down in massachusetts for a little

THEN HE HAD A FIGHT WITH JOHN WINTHROP, THE GOVERNOR.

but what were they fighting over exactly

OK SO JOHN GOT ELECTED TO BE GOVERNOR LIKE 500 TIMES AND TOM WAS LIKE “UH THIS COULD BE A PROBLEM LATER. I MEAN IT’S NOT A PROBLEM NOW BECAUSE WE ALL LIKE YOU BUT”

because john had some sort of law or somethin’ that only members of the puritan church could vote

uh

ok now on paper this is a good idea but it went something like

“HEY, YOU DON’T BELIEVE EXACTLY WHAT I DO? PFFT TOO BAD YOU DON’T GET AN OPINION THEN!”

which was kinda ok because almost everyone was a puritan and the rest were strangers so

NOW WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED FROM HISTORY.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN CHURCH AND GOVERNMENT MIX?

THAT’S RIGHT, PERSECUTION~!

the head of the church and the head of the government WERE THE SAME PEOPLE.

This was also the case in English. The exact. Same. Thing.

HEY GUYS WE LEFT EVERYTHING ABOUT OUR OLD LIVES BEHIND AND WE’RE GOING TO DO THE EXACT SAME THING HERE EXCEPT I’M RIGHT AND THEY’RE WRONG THAT MAKES IT OK.

now hooker here was like “uh excuse me this is a bad idea or at least it could be”

HE HAD THE IDEA OF SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE!

and he’s probably turning somersaults in his grave right now

SO HE LEFT WITH ABOUT 100 SETTLERS TO START HIS OWN COLONY.

which was connecticut dear people who forgot

THE LAND THERE WAS REALLY GOOD AND THAT WAS GOOD

THERE WERE THREE SETTLEMENTS. ONE TWO THREE. AND THEY WERE FAR ENOUGH AWAY FROM MASSACHUSETTS TO ALL COME TOGETHER AND START THEIR OWN COLONY. AND THE KING OF ENGLAND WAS LIKE “YEAH THAT’S COOL GO FOR IT GUYS”

he and some guys wrote down their ideas of freedom into “The Fundamental Orders of Connecticut” which was pretty cool

ALSO THE FOUNDER OF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY WAS THIS GUY. SO A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY, AT LEAST.

THINGS SOUND PRETTY NICE HERE RIGHT

nope suddenly indians

ONE TRIBE CALLED THE

CALLED

CALLED THE PEQUOTS DIDN’T LIKE THESE PEOPLE.

at all

like

some murder went down

some 9 murderers went down

and then some arson went down on the pequots

and also some murder of 400+ women, children, and men

pequots

guys no

guys

colonists guys no don’t burn down villages

don’t kill 400+ people

pequots colonists

ok

bad ending mode activate