Thursday, May 10, 2012


This dude. His name was Tycho. And he was a danish.

This means he lived in the bakery section in Kroger, and-


but serious he was Danish but not like that. And he didn’t live in Kroger. I don’t even think they had Krogers. But if he lived anywhere it wouldn’t be in Kroger because Kroger’s founder is German.

BUT ACTUALLY HE WENT TO UNIVERSITY IN KROGER. Er, in Germany. He went to university in Germany. And he had a swordfight and he basically got his nose chopped off. So he kinda made himself a fake nose out of silver, gold, and face powder.



He did some pretty important star stuffs because he watched a supernova. Which would be awesome. Because a supernova looks kinda like this.

which is awesome. It’s basically a star bigger than the sun EXPLODING. It’s an unstable mass of gas and dust and other junk.


Basically, it lasts for days or weeks and the light travels for years. Which means it lasts a while.

So anyways, he was like “KING OF DENMARK I CAN HAZ OBSURVUTORI” and the King of Denmark was like “YOU CAN HAZ OBSURVUTORI” and then he put one on a little island named Hven. But it’s pronounced Ven. The H is silent. I’m not sure why. Those silly Danish.


So there was al ittle paper mill and a print shop and an OBSERVATORY. And it had some tourists, but Tycho spent a lot of time in his obvservatory.

He was an awesome astronomer, basically. But he still held on to that belief that the Ear was the center of the universe.


Anyway, so eventually Ty got booted off that island. Because the old king died and the new king was like “herpderp astronomy no get out.”

So for a while, he just kinda traveled around and wrote his autobiography. Eventually, he settled down in Prague and he was the Holy Roman Math Guy. And then he met this dude named Johannes Kepler.


His name was Johannes Kepler and he was German and he was kinda poor but still he went to University and yada yada yada.

His professors taught ancient ideas about astronomy, but they had ~secret seminars~ to talk about Copernicus. Because he was, like, totally so heretical~


Kepler liked these seminars, and he was really smart but he had some questions. So he dropped Ty a line with some of these and Ty was like “DOOD WE SHUD BE FRANDS.” And Kepler was like “sure~!”

Annnd Ty and Kepler were kinda sorta friends, but they were more ~professional~ colleagues. They didn’t really trust each other enough to show each other all of their research, because I guess they were kinda scared they’d get stolen or something.


Kepler was better at the mathz than Ty was, and he put some numbers together and he got some weird stuff.


Basically he had a lot of mercury in his body and he was probs poisoned, but it might or might not have been on purpose. Because sometimes he made “medicine” out of it because he didn’t know it was poisonous. Herpderpderp.

And then Kepler was made the big giant Math guy, because you know. Ty was dead. And zombies aren’t good math guys. But Kepler was pretty cool, because he had laws. And all cool people have laws.


Planets don’t move in circles. They just move kinda in oval shapes. Yay!


Planets start going FASTER when they go around the sun. Like, the closer to the sun it gets, the faster it goes. Kinda. Which is hard to explain. Just google it if you’re really interested.

Annnd then this:

The squares of the periods of the planets are proportional to the cubes of their semi-major axis.

ha ha ha wat

BASICALLY if you’re a genius astronomathperson than you’ll get it. Maybe. THE DEAL IS I don’t get it and the universe is weird.


Kepler did some shtuff OTHER than math and astronomy shtuff. He also worked with eyes and he learned to understand it. He learned how to make a telescope and he watched Jupiter and shtuff.

He kinda got fired by the new Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire though. Oh well. He still worked and worked and he fixed the callender, and he made some more awesome math shtuff.

Buuut his personal life was sad. His son died and that really really hurt because he was reminded of himself. Then a year later his wife died. And then he got married again and he had SIX MORE KIDS but three of them died and run on sentence. He also developed calculus, so you can yell at him you calculus people. And then he got excommunicated and the Lutherans didn’t really like him.

Anyway. He kinda died quietly without any acknowedgement. Yeah.

BUT TYCHO HAS A FANCLUB ON THE INTERWEBS.... SOMEWHERE. I’ll put a link when I can find it. And when I’m not lazy.

And also when this has a better ending.

1 comment:

  1. Informative and entertaining! Lol! And now I really want a danish! :-)