Because this was a war. A complicated one. With lots of nations and lots of fighting and balauhaluhah.
IT’S CALLED THE 30 YEARS WAR.
and basically the Catholics and the Protestants had a big fight.
and this is not one of those stupid ones where it’s like OK THIS WAR IS CALLED THE THIS-IS-HOW-LONG-IT-LASTED WAR BUT NOT REALLY. It actually did last 30 years yay.
Started in 1618. Guess when it ended.
OK SO LET’S TALK ABOUT THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE FOR A SEC.
The HRE wasn’t even actually a country. It was just. This area. And it had a bunch of countries which just kinda fell under the rule of this one government. THOSE WERE. AUSTRIA, BOHEMIA, FRANCHE-COMTE (whut.), GERMANY, LORRIANE, LUXEMBOURG, MORAVIA, SWITZERLAND, AND A PART OF HUNGARY. so basically that whole general area over there ok.
AND FOR ALMOST 400 YEARS THE HRE JUST KINDA HAD ONE FAMILY IN CHARGE. The Hapsburgs. this is important yo remember this.
and ANYWAY THE 30 YEARS WAR STARTED HERE IN BOHEMIA.
the people got angry and started throwing their officials out the windows.
i. welp. i. this seems like a good idea let’s just throw our elected officials out of windows that will solve ALL OUR PROBLEMS
oh by the way this happened twice.
SO THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE. SOME PROTESTANTS. AND SOME CALVINISTS. AND THEY DIDN’T LIKE THEIR CATHOLIC PEOPLE. SO THEY ALL JUST KINDA. THREW THEM OUT OF WINDOWS. ALONG WITH THEIR KING. Because he wanted to shut down their churches.
by the way everyone who got thrown out of windows lived. The Catholics said it was because of Divine Intervention. The Protestants said it was because they landed in manure.
AND THIS WAS CALLED THE DEFENESTRATION OF PRAGUE.
AND THEN A WAR HAPPENED. Because the elected officials were not happy being thrown out of windows.
war happened and the people were not happy with anyone so they just got their own king. And they were gonna replace the old king (Ferdinand) with their king (Frederick).
but so after he was kicked out he got elected to be the Holy Roman Emire.
So as emperor, Ferd (The new Holy Roman Emperor) ordered that Fred (The King of Bohemia) get off the throne.
Fred said no.
So Ferd sent an army of 25,000 men to make Fred not say no.
So Ferd just kinda. Made Bohemia Catholic again.
AND IF IT STOPPED HERE, THEN THERE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN A WAR.
but no. word spread that the new emperor did NOT like Protestants. And people started freaking out. And people started just talking bad out each other and then people started just straight up fighting and then THE DANISH INVASION.
So the King of Denmark. And his name was Christian IV. Chris. And Denmark wasn’t actually a part of the Holy Roman Empire. BUT THEY WERE STILL FREAKING OUT BECAUSE THEY WERE RIGHT THERE NEXT TO IT.
And they were Lutherans. And Chris just kinda led 20,000 men off to war.
Also Chris had to deal with the other guy named Tilly (ok no lie) who had that army of 25,000 who got Fred off the throne.
Chris also had to deal with THE BEST GENERAL FERD HAD named Wallenstien. Pronounced with a V. VALLENSTIEN.
He also had a really weird mix of Protestants and Catholics in his army, but he was a Jesuit so?????
Chris couldn’t really compete. So he gave up.
so he signed a treaty so he could stay king of Denmark.
AND AGAIN, THE WAR COULDA JUST ENDED.
But some Catholics came all whiny to Ferd like THESE PROTESTANTS STOLE OUR PLACE and he was like “OK PROTESTANTS YOU GIVE BACK EVERYTHING YOU TOOK AND ALSO ALL THIS STUFF.”
it did not go exactly as planned.
SO THE SWEDISH. They also were not part of the HRE????? But they also were really close????
So this guys named Gustavus Adolphus. he wa
kay hold up
THE HECK SORT OF NAME I CANT JUST I WHAT AWHAKWJETKDFG ok back to business
HE WAS THE KING OF SWEDEN. And he also had an army. WITH GUNS. New guns. Faaaancy guns.
So this Gustavus guy was pretty cool. He was like “OK WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT BRO” and he pretty much let whoever he conquered have whatever religion they wanted.
SO YOU REMEMBER TILLY.
He defeated that army.
and then Wall.
who he met.
AND THERE WAS A BIG FIGHT OK.
a big big big fight
and the Swedes were way outnumbered
BUT THEY WON ANYWAY
BUT THEIR KING DIED
OK NOW THERE’S STILL MORE.
AND FRANCE JUST DECIDED THEY’D GET THEIR BUSINESS ALL UP IN EVERYTHING
because they’re stupid ahohnonohoho stupid french
this is backwards
OK ANYWAY THIS GUY RICHELIEU.
He was this guy for the Roman Catholic Church. And he was in charge of running France because the king was a little boy. And for some reason he was supporting the Protestants?????
Because the war wasn’t about religion anymore. It was mostly power.
Rich was a cool guy. He didn’t try to take away any rights from the Protestants or anything.
AND HE JUST DIDN’T WANT THE HAPSBURGS TO TAKE OVER FRANCE BASICALLY. So he gave some support to the Swedish Protestant army.
SO ANYWAY FERDINAND APPARENTLY JUST NONCHALANTLY GOT OFF THE THRONE OR DIED OR SOMETHING? IT DOESN’T SAY BUT NOW HIS SON IS ON THE THRONE.
Ferdinand III. Nice name.
And he wanted peace too!
And the Germans were just like GUIZ STOP FIGHTING PLEASE OMG. because people just totally messed up germany nice goin guys
AND THE DECISION WAS MADE TO HOLD A MEETING BUT EVERYBODY HATED EACH OTHER.
and this meeting took like forever beacuse it took like 6 months (no lie) for everyone to figure out where to sit.
THE HECK GUYS /YOU ARE ADULTS/
after like FOUR YEARS they signed this treaty. Except for the Pope. and some other stupid people.
SO A COUPLE OF THINGS WERE DECIDED.
The Calvinists were given equal rights. Yay!
Sweden was given access to some rivers. So they could stay in the trade business.
France was given some land.
THREE THINGS THE WAR DID TO EUROPE.
1: IT SCREWED IT WAY UP.
2: A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THOUGHT ABOUT PACKING UP AND LEAVING GOING THE NEW WORLD.
3: A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ALSO SAID “FORGET EVERYTHING” and just didnt religion because OF STUPID PEOPLE LIKE THIS.
that was long.
and ended abruptly.