Thursday, June 30, 2011


Ohman this poor guy. His name was Francis.
But apparently, he had nice black hair, liked to party, and had a nice voice. And he was rich. He sounds kinda like me.
He went into the army because he was looking for adventure, but then something happened~ He had a vision from God, and He told him to leave the army and go home. And, well, since it was a vision from God he decided to do it. So he went home, and he went to church a lot.
And then he had another vision. He was in a itty-bitty church when he had it, and right there he gave his life to Christ and gave all his money to the bitty church.
One day he was walking along in the street, mindin’ his own business, and he saw a leper. And he was all “oheww leper.” So he looked away.
So then he went back, gave the leper all the money he had on him, and then kissed the leper.
Francis was sitting in church and he was paying rull careful attention to this verse: “As you go, preach, saying: ‘The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand....” and it’s a really long verse, but if you want to read it all, it’s Matthew 10:7-10. He took it literally. He thought he had to do two things: Preach the kingdom of heaven, and to own nothing. So he obeyed.
He stood in the street preaching, and he owned NOTHING. And his dad wasn’t too hip on the last bit.
Soon, 12 guys said “Ohermderp. Lookit this guy. LETS GO HAVE A PARTAY.” So they joined him in poverty. They built little huts to live in, and had these little robes. They called themselves “Fratres Minores” Which is Latin for “Minor Brothers” Later, they said “Hmmhm. This is getting boring. LET’S CALL OURSELVES FRANCISCANS” So they did.
They had a little catch phrase too: “The Lord Give Thee Peace!” And it says it on their website: Yes, they have a website.
So normal monks had pretty much stuck to their caves. But these guys had hung with the masses, preachin’ and prayin’ and all that jazz with the people. They made a big impact and it was rully good :3
But Francis didn’t want to compete with the Church. So he asked Mr. P-To-Da-Ope Innocent
Now normally, I don’t post the names of the popes. But I thought it was funny that there was a Pope named “Pope Innocent.” So I put the name.
if he could start a “Religious Order” But Mr. P-to-da-ope didn’t really like that idea because he thought that they were too... monk-like. That they lived too harsh a life. If you ask me, that’s a dumb reason. But eventually, P-to-da-ope went with it and let them make a “Religious Order.” They got a little chapel. A really little chapel. A REALLY REALLY LITTLE CHAPEL. It was 10 feet across. Uhmyeah.
But it worked, and it was alright.
Something kinda weird about Francis is that he loved nature. He didn’t like putting out candles because he thought he might hurt their feelings. He preached a sermon to birds. Yes, read that literally. He called them “My little sister-birds.” He asked the emperor to make it against the law to kill the birds. I’m pretty sure the answer was no. He also asked the emperor to make it a law that everyone throw out grain on Christmas. For the birds. FOR HIS LITTLE SISTER-BIRDS.
He also went over to the Islam-Mummy-Zombies. To preach to them.
Now then, let’s move on to another Saint. Her name was Saint Clara.
A woman Saint? A /woman/ saint? A /WOMAN/ SAINT!?! But women were evil! They brought sin into the world! herpderpfailness.
Clara was influenced by St. Francis and his Friars, and she wanted to live like them. So she made a vow of poverty, promised not to get married, and was obedient to Chrsit. Well that’s good.
About two years after Francis had been going, Clara made the Second Order of St. Francis. She opened a thingy-ma-bob for chicks. While Francis was hangin’ with the monks, Clara was hangin’ with the nuns. Francis was getting the monks out of boringness, and Clara was doing the same with the nuns.
And we’ve talking about the monks a lot. But we haven’t really talked about nuns. Nuns took care of orphans, they helped people with boo-boos, they were teachers, they sowed, they wrote Bible verses, they rose at midnight to pray. Why did they rise at midnight to pray? I don’t know. Someone probaby told them to, but I never saw in the Bible “Thou shalt rise at midnight to pray.”
But anyways, Clara pretty much did was Francis did, except with nuns. She did not preach to birds.
Now then, we have one more guy in our line-up. His name is St. Dominic.

Anyways, St. Dominic went to church a lot when he was little. He was immersed in the church, and he gave a lot of his stuff away. In a famine, he gave away everything he had, and from that point forward he vowed to live in poverty. He wanted to get rid of heresy, but he did not burn heretics like most people. Instead, he took the heretics and taught them the truth.
Mr. P-to-da-ope noticed what was goin’ down, so he formed the Dominican order. They were in Rome, but they went as far as Russia-

They went as far as Russia, teaching the gospel. They lived in groups of 7-10, and traveled light. They were barefoot, penniless
I’m pretty sure that everyone was penniless, actually. They didn’t really /have/ pennies, soerm.
Something odd about the Franciscans is that they weren’t interested in education. However, St. Dominic thought it was a good thing, and he encouraged it. Dominicans had some of the most smartest scholars.
Now what happened to Francis and Dominic? Well Francis died while he was singing a Psalm in his ittybittyschoolchurchhouse. He was only 45.
And what about Dominic? It was only one year after he established his thingy-ma-bob when he died. And it’s still going strong.
Apparently, a bunch of these guys said that you can get to Heaven via (via is a fun word.) works. ANDOHNOEZ. So the guys that were trying to fix heretics were heretics. /ledundundun.
We fail at climatic endings.

Monday, June 20, 2011


We had better go out for Sushi. You know, for extra credit.
We looked at Japan waaaaaay back, but I didn’t take notes on it. Stinks for you.
But let me catch you up to speed. Last we studied Japan, it was under rule of Prince Shotoku, who pretty much founded the Japanese civilization. He spread Buddhism, and really helped ‘em out. And in this bit, the Fujiwara family ruled for about 600 years.

Yes. I know. He’s 900 years old, not 600, but I thought you should see the picture.
(Mom will be converted after this one.)
(And no, that isn't from Doctor Who. It's from this. Skip to 48 seconds. And yes, it isn't the best picture, but it's the only I could find.)

They were really nice and calm. Some of the greatest Japanese literature came from this time. They liked to write poetry about things like flowersss and riversss and nice thaaangsss. They lived so well though that they couldn’t relate to the common people. So when the government started getting so cut off, some stuff started changing.
In 1192 (The same time as Richard and Saladin.) this warrior dood named Yoritomo single-handedly moved the authority of the emperor. To himself.


Somehow, this guy got in the position of the emperor and gave himself title “Shogun” which means Conquering General. Yoritomo took the title, but he did not get rid of the emperor. Uhm. The emperor kept his position, but Yori pretty much used the emperor as a puppet. He controlled the moneh, the lawls, and choosing the government doods. He got taxes in the form of... uh... rice.
Well this system worked pretty well. So it went on for about 700 years.

I just wanted to look at the picture again. 700 is close enough to 900.

So now let’s talk about the Samurai. The Samurai were the knights of Japan, and there were about 5 out of every 100 Japanese men. The Samurai enforced lawls, and protected the Shoguns.
But If you haven’t seen how a Samurai dressed... -resists Tennant’s picture.-

They have this hats that look kinda lat Darth Vader’s. Except it didn’t have a face mask. They wore what was called a Kamishimo, and they had rullll big shoulder pads. That made them look awesome.
They worse armour that had leather and silk and purdyness. Horses worse armour too. Epic, aaay?
And kinda like the knights with Elanor, they had to have the romance part down. They were good at reciting poetry, reading poetry, they drank tea in fanceh tea houses, they “liked” to dance, “liked” the theater, and so on and so on. I think Elanor must’ve given Japan a visit.
They bathed a lot, and kept their hair nice and neat. They slicked their hair way back, which became ceremonial.
They had a code of honour called Bushido, which means “Way of the Warrior.” They were expected to be honest, respectful, and considerate to their master until death. There were even Samurai women who lived by this code.
And if a Samurai was captured, he was to kill himself. Uhmyeah.
However, around the 1800s, they were kicked out. Which is a WHOLE different story, which we will get to. Eventually.
Hmhm. Anti-climatic.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Emo History Poety Slam

It’s time for the emo history poetry slam! Or at least that’s pretty much how this lesson started out. “Once in a while I cry.” So I guess this’ll be a sad lesson.
Everyone knows what a Jew is. Or an Israelite, or a Hebrew, etc. etc. And if you don’t know what a Jew is, google it. Or better yet, read a history book. Or better yet, read the Bible.
For those of you still left (I hope nobody left x-x) you should know that Jews did not believe that Jesus was the Messiah. /lesob. But there are some that do, and they’re Christians. But the first are a majority of the population.
But the stories about the Jews in the Middle Ages is a sad one D: First they lost their houses to the Babylonians, and then the Assyrians. And so they went back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and then Rome came in and said “YOU GUYS AREN’T FIGHTING RIGHT.” So they came in and had a war with the Romans and the Assyrians and Babylonians fell back.
But the Jews recaptured the Holy Land, but the Muslim-zombie-mummies kept fighting back. And winning. WINNING~
But so eventually the Jews just gave up and left. Which meant that they had no homelands. /lesob
But waitwaitwait, why did the Muslim-Zombie-Mummies care about the Jews? Well at first the King of the Muslims was nice-ish to the Jews. So as long as they were nice, they could hang out with the Muslims. But in Spain, Jews were rich and were really cool and good and stuffz~ They were becoming kinda Arabian though. ARAAAAABIAN NIIIIIIIGHTS, LIKE AAARAAAAAAABIAN DAAAAAAYS~
But you know how Spain went. Outta nowhere, the zombie-mummyness of the Muslims came out and they decided to persecute the Jews. Over 4,000 people died D:This was in 1066. /pokesNormans
How about the Christians? Most were pretty nice to the Jews, along with North Spain, some popes, some Emperors, and Charlemagne. Ohhh~
But there were some popes and emperors that didn’t like the Jews D: They persecuted a bunch, and Constantine banished a lot. And in one place they had to convert to Christianity or their eyes would be torn out. EWEWEW D:
But so eventually Segregation happened. Sometimes the Jews chose segregation, but in England stuff got really bad. Remember John, Ellie’s son? Well he was really bad to the Jews. He took all their money and put them in jail. Yeah.
So eventually they were all kicked out of England because they no longer attributed to the economy.

So erm.
Generally speaking, Jews had a rough time in the Middle Ages. But then the Jews started to fight against each other. They fought over a bunch’a stuff, How to interpret the Old Testament was one of the biggies.
But all the Jews were really close. Families were really close and really nice to each other. But they all had a question: where was the Messiah?
There were a couple of people that tried to claim the title.
1) There was a guy who stood up against all odds, and did an inspirational speech about how the Jews should be the ones to retake the Holy Land, they needed to stand and fight! But nobody followed him, so he ran into battle alone and was killed. That kinda marked him off the list.

2) There was another guy who did the same thing, but he got about 10,000 people to follow him. He died too, thus crossing him off.
3) Same scenario, but his dad killed him in his sleep because of the riot he was causing. Heh heh.
So erm. I don’t know how to end this. Because we have another anti-climatic ending.

Monday, June 13, 2011


Do you ‘muhmember ol’ Elanor of Aquitaine? Of course you do! Richard the Lionhearted was the favorite son of Elanor, and he was rull nice. He was even nice to his arch-enemy, Saladin.
So who was Saladin? Well, you MUST remember the crusades.

They were for gettin’ back the Holy Land from the Muslims and all that. Well, Saladin was a Muslim. He wasn’t just A Muslim, he was the sultan of Egypt. He started out small and stuff, but then he worked his way up the latter and then he was Sultan. So he now ruled over Egypt, but guess what? HE WANTED MOAR. Déjà vu. Saladin decided to go after Jerusalem, and he conquered it.
And ohhh guuurrrlll it was on.

He took down a golden cross on a church and made it a mosque. Oooh they didn’t like that.
So now we’re in the 3rd crusades!
In enters Richard the Lionhearted. Richard decided to go in and fight the 3rd crusade, but he didn’t know that Saladin was just as chivalrous as he was. He was really nice to his prisoners, and he gave people a chance to surrender before he tried to take Jerusalem. But hey didn’t so he went in and took the city.
What about the leaders of the 3rd crusades? There were... erm... 3. Three main leaders, each kings, went out together. However, one of them, being SIXTY-SEVEN, drowned. So Richard the Lionhearted and Philip, King of France, marched out. But then Philip had to go back to France because he got a boo-boo. So we started with three, but we quickly went down to one. Dundundun~
So Richard said to Saladin, “HERE TAKE MY SISTER.”
But the church didn’t like that (no dur) so the marriage was a no-go.
So Saladin said, “A’ight, all you Christians keep your lands and I’ll give you half’a Jerusalem. And I’ll throw in Park Placeee~”
So like every deal like every deal in Monopoly, Richard said, “OH YEAHHH!” And then he saw that Saladin all the light blues and he said, “Uhwaitwaitwait I want Boardwalk too.”
And Sal said “No.”
So Richard decided to attack this city called Jaffa in 1192. And he was sooo excited he ran outta the ship and waves his axe all over the place. They were outnumbered a lot, but they got pumped up because of Richard. So they ran out and followed Richard, but Saladin saw him out of his window.
He summoned a servant, because he saw that Richard was running around on foot. So what does he do?
He sends Richard a horse.

Well Richard rides his new horse right in front of the Muslims to show off.
And then he sent Sal some Falcons.

Oh gosh. Mom just said it’s getting weirder.
The next day, Richard got sick. Richard called for fruit and water, and a bed to sleep in. So who comes to his aid?
Saladin comes with... uhh... pears... water, snow, and his own personal doctor.
Last I checked, rivals aren’t supposed to act like that.
It became apparent that neither really wanted to win, because they didn’t want the other to loose. So they signed a three year peace treaty in Jaffa, which was pretty fair. The Christians could keep some of their cities on the coast, and could visit Jerusalem, but it’d be ruled by the Muslims.
Richard said after he signed the treaty, he said, “Hey man, you know after the treaty is over... you’re toast.”
And Saladin said, “Yeah. Figured.”
But Saladin was never able to win (or loose, technically speaking) because he died a year later. Richard died two years later, due to being shot by a crossbow.

Friday, June 10, 2011

A Big Bowl of Revenge.

So this girl was kinda like me. YAY. She was smart and beautiful and fiestehhh~
And she was a princess. And the Queen of France. And Queen of England. WE’RE TWINS.
So her daddy died when she was little :c /lesob. But she inherited a piece of France her daddeh ruled called Aquitaine. I have no witty name for it. But she was subject to an arranged marriage for politics. /lesob. She was married to Louis the 7th. Someone ran out of names.
But she lived in Paris. Which she didn’t like.
But she lived with Louis. Who she didn’t like.
How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways!
1) He’s meek. GIRL WANTS ACTION.
2) He thinks all women are evil. GIRL WANTS ROMANCE.
3) He wanted to be a monk. GIRL WANTS BRAVERY.
4) He never wanted to get married. GIRL WANTS ROMANCE.
5) He hates women in general. GIRL WANTS ROMANCE.
But so due to 1 and 3, he decided to try to win his fair lady’s heart over by joining a crusade. But 2, 4, and 5 were totally ignored.
Remember the crusades? More importantly, remember the SECOND cusades? The ones that were really bad? Yeah. Guess which one he joined.
But it was also partially Elanor the Queen’s fault. She viewed the crusades as a getaway from France, a parade, a vacation. So what did she do? She packed all her finest clothes. And accessories. And all her little doo-dads that weren’t necessary at all. So the knights had a hard enough time GETTING to the crusades, but now they had all of Elanor’s junk.
But they took a little stop at Constantinople, the capital of the Byzantine Empire, which was run by the Queen’s uncle. She thought he was the PERFECT prince, being big, strong, brave, romantic, etc. etc. So she was kinda “TAKE COOL LESSONS FROM THIS GUY.” to Louis.
But that annoyed him, so he had her arrested.

So she was sent off to France on a boat, and the sea conditions nearly killed her. Good job genius.
But all in all, the French didn’t like her. And she didn’t like them.
And eventually, Elanor got a divorce. She told the archbishop they were really 4th cousins, and so he declared their marriage null and void. So she hopped back to Aquitaine, and lived there for the rest of her life.
While she was going back, she was nearly kidnapped TWICE.
So she realized she needed to get married again. So she married William the Conqueror's grandson, Henry II. He became the king of England after they married, which meant she was Queen of England. So her new home was in London, and she liked it.
They had kids and they went on lotsa vacations, and they had a court system for trials and stuff. She had lotsa minstrels, and decorators, and some good stuff :3
But then something went bad.
The Archbishop made Henry mad, so he killed him.
Yep, that’s pretty much what happened.
That haunted him for the rest of his life, because they were best fraaaands back when they were kiddies.
So then Henry started to cheat on Elanor. /lesob :c She was like the Queen of Love and Chivalry and stuff, and she got cheated on.
So she planned REVENGE~
So she decided to try to have their sons turn against him. And he knew it. He had some choices to make.
NUMBAAAAH ONE: Divorce her.
NUMBAAAAH FREE: Send her off to a nunnery.
So what’d he do? He locked her in a castle, of course! Kept her under guard, and she was let out on special occasions and Christmas.
Oh you think that’s funny. I’m serious.
But so she decided to keep planning and scheming for 15 years in that castle. So Henry died, and Elanor was set free at the young age of 67.
Well you’d think she’d retire to a free and quiet life to study and stuff. BUT NO!
So her son took over the throne. But that’s another story. So he went off on a crusade, and he left England in Elanor’s hands. She ruled England and people LOVED her. She went all over England to find a wifeh, while watching John very closely so that he’d not try to get the throne.
And then Richard got captured by the Germans. So she paid the ransom and he was set free. SO SWEET~
So it was all sweet and they were hugging, but Richard was shot with a crossbow while he was in her arms.
But John took over, and England was doing pretty well.
But oh, it’s not over yet!
She was captured by her own grandson, and was held for a rully big ransom. So John decided to prove himself worthy by rescuing her.
At the age of 82, ol’ Elanor decided to settle down.
Ah, revenge is sweet.
Ah, revenge is a dish best served cold. Does this mean revenge is ice cream? Of course it does. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to get myself a bowl of revenge.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Whosi-whatians and the Whati-somethingians

So we all know that Jesus came to Earth, died, and was then resurrected. One of the biggest points in history, yeah? Yeah. And the Bible is pretty big and epic too, right? Of course! It’s one of the best sources of history, yeah? Yeah. And a buncha people died to protect it. And this is the story of a couple of people that did.
So there was this group of people named the Petrobrusians. They were called that because they followers of this Frenchy named Peter Bruis. And because he’s French, that makes his name pronounced really weird, so it sounds like Broo-EE. But he was a priest, and he taught the Bible a bunch. He was pretty much like most priests, but because he’s French, that makes him weird amongst the other priests. What was so weird? He read the Bible. For himself.

That was realllly weird for the priests around him. Why didn’t they read and teach the Bible?
NUMBER UNO: A lot of people couldn’t read. *le sob* If you can’t read, that makes it pretty hard to read.
NUMBAR DUO: Bibles were written by hand. That made them expensive, and they were rare. So if you don’t have a Bible, makes it kinda hard to read.
NUMBUH TREE: People who could read were discouraged, because the bigger fish in the Church (capital C.) thought that the Bible could be misunderstood by the little fish that were commoners.
NUMBAH FORE: Fore isn’t a number. It’s what you yell when you play golf.

So it sounds like the big fish were mean. And they kinda were, because they didn’t want the little fish/minnows to read it because they might misunderstand it. And that’s sad :c
So Pete the Priest taught the Bible to other little fish and minnows. He didn’t just teach the Bible, he taught people how to read the Bible. Sooo that made big fish mad.

They thought that Pete the Priest and his little followers as a threat. They thought that might make people question how things were done around that place. So it WASN’T about the not-being-able-to-read, or about expensivenes, and it wasn’t about rarity!


But it was about power!
So eventually Pete the Priest was accused of heresy. Not Hershy, heresy. That means preaching, teaching, or otherwise going against the established Church and scriptures. Jesus was accused of heresy, Blasphemy, etc.
So Pete the Priest was accused of heresy, and was burned at the stake. *le sob.*

So now we have another guy to study. His name is Peter Waldo.

So the Waldensians were also pretty devout Christians. They followed, you guessed it, Peter Waldo. He was a rich businessman, livin’ the high life, having fun. And then he became a Christian. He read the Bible for himself, and he thought that the Bible should be the highest authority of a believer’s life, not the Church. He read the Bible a LOT, and he pretty much rejected everything the Church said. He founded the writing of a LOT of Bibles, which were all translated to the common language of the Frenchies. Which I assume was French?
So the Waldos had a cool way of putting the Bible out there. They’d go out in pairs, selling jewelry and cool stuff, and people would say “So you got anything else?” And then they’d say:
“Oh yeah, we’ve got this big rarity-


“Oh yeah, we’ve got this big rarity, a gem that shows you God and another that makes you love Him.” And then they’d pop out a Bible.
So Waldo then gave all his money away to help the poor, and a buncha other followers did that too. So nuns and monks? Normal for them. So normal people? Nuns and monks for them. They weren’t nuns or monks, so that was really weird for a buncha normal people to live in poverty.
And then the Church decided to say “DON’T TEACH THE BIBLE UNLESS YOU’RE A PRIEST, NUN, OR MONK.”
So guess what Waldo did? He said “Psch no.” And they just went right on.
So Pope Lucius (OH GEE WHAT A COINCIDENCE) III (whose idea was it to name their kid Lucius? THREE TIMES!) ex-communicated people from the church. A lot of people. So a lot of people were kicked out of church. He also burned a bunch of people at the stake.
Oddly enough, Waldo himself didn’t actually die at the stake. He died of natural causes. Weird.
So there are actually some people that are still Waldensians today. They live all over Europe, and in parts of America (The the United States is more common, but also the rest of America too.)
ANTI-CLIMATIC ENDING. So I shall end with this: