GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
Your name is WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. You have many interests, which include POETRY, ACTING, and THE VARIOUS PERFORMING ARTS.
And if you think I’m about to start that narrative style you are dead wrong. Because I can’t do it right or for extended periods to save my life. And if you don’t know what it is then it doesn’t even make any sense.
William Shakespeare was a dropout.
He dropped out of school and got married at 18 to Anne Hathaway.
But not that Anne Hathaway.
AND THEN SHE GOT PREGGERZ.
With twins. By the way, she was 26.
And then William got arrested.
WHAT IS THIS. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE PROCEEDED TO LEAVE HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN TO MOVE TO LONDON.
Let’s get this straight. William Shakespeare dropped out of school, got some chick preggos, got arrested, left them, and moved away to start acting and writing.
ha ha ha wat.
He made a great deal of moneyz by investing in the theater. Er, a theater. The Globe Theater. Which he helped build. And it’s in London.
BUT THERE’S MORE TO IT THAN THAT.
Some people don’t think that who I just told you was actually THE William Shakespeare.
ha ha ha wat.
Apparently, this guy was not ACTUALLY the William Shakespeare. This guy here was just PRETENDING to be William Shakespeare. The fo realz William Shakespeare went up and was like “hay you take this and and tell people you wrote it ok.”
Because it doesn’t really sound like he’s capable of.
Writing that stuff.
SO IF IT WASN’T HIM, THEN WHO WAS IT?
And WHOEVER wrote it, why would they choose him? I mean.
Look at him.
Anyway. Some people think it was Francis Bacon. Which would be kinda weird because he was a really busy guy.
Your name is CHISTOPHER MA
THIS IS STUPID.
This guy. Christopher Marlowe. He could have been a spy. He WAS a spy. He was killed, but he was actually under some sort of weird witness protection program of the 16th century that i would know absoltuely nothing about why are you asking me about this ha ha ha let’s move on.
But before he got into the spy buzznuzz, he was in the play buzznuzz. Even though that’s contradictory.
BUT HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
Your name is EDWARD DE VERE. You are the EARL OF OXFORD, and you are an ACCOMPLISHED GENTLEMAN, due to being the COURTIER of QUEEN ELIZABETH. Your interests include WRITING PLAYS IN SE
ok this has to stop right now.
This guy wrote plays in secret. Because the theater was like.
That... That place. Where all those weird people hang out.
But Edward liked to write, but Elizabeth was like “ew.” So he could have used a ghost writer OTHERWISE KNOWN AS WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE (that was not be using the aforementioned form of narration. That was me using caps for emphasis.) instead of publishing under his own name.
Plus, William was an actor over there anyways. So he just kinda GOT PAID TO TAKE ALL THE CREDIT.
Now I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the way to do things.
HOWEVER. Some people don’t believe this theory. Some think that William Shakespeare was William Shakespeare.
Also, he might have been a woman.
ANYWAY. THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT.
But what about the actual, uhh, plays?
There were three kinds. Historical, Comedy, and Tragedy.
The Historical plays were on a few Henries and some Johns (heh.) and Richard and some Julius Caesar. Of couse, all of these were added to for more drama and stuff. Because seriously.
Who wants to just watch history?
ANYWAY. COMEDIES WERE GOOD TOO. Because they were funny. I mean, they had some underlying themes too. Because it was William Shakespeare.
And then there were the tragedies.
ONE OF THEM IS ROMEO AND JULEIT. PLEASE SKIP THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THE RANT OF ANGER AND ANNOYANCE.
ROMEO AND JULIET IS A LOVE STORY. YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND DO NOT NEED TO REFER TO EACH OTHER OR YOUR LOVE AS SIMILAR TO ROMEO AND/OR JULIET. THEIR “LOVE” LASTED, IF I AM NOT MISTAKEN, THREE DAYS. IT CAUSED FIVE MURDERS. IT ENDED WITH TWO SUICIDES. BOTH OF WHICH WERE ROMEO AND JULIET’S. THERE’S A REASON IT WAS A “FORBIDDEN LOVE.” YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE IT WOULD LEAVE TO MULTIPLE MURDERS AND SUICIDE. TWO LITTLE TEENAGERS AND MOST OF THEIR FAMILY DIED DUE TO THEIR PURE STUPIDITY AND “LOVE”. YES, IT IS SAD. YES, IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE SAD. AND NO, UNLESS YOU WOULD MURDER FIVE PEOPLE AND COMMIT SUICIDE, YOU/YOUR BOYFRIEND/YOUR LOVE IS NOT LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET.
Continue reading here.
There were some tragedies. Insanity, death, “forbidden love”, etc. etc. bluh bluh bluh.
SO. Between writing writing THIRTY MONKEYING SEVEN plays, he wrote ONE MONKEYING HUNDRED AND FIFTY MONKEYING FOUR poems. Which were actually sonnets but whatever.
AND BASICALLY HE WAS SNOOP DAWGG. OR DOGG. OR WHAT THE MONKEY EVER.
Because he made up words and kinda changed words around so they’d rhyme. He made up:
HE DOTH PUKE WHEN THE DUKE I’M NOT A POET I CAN’T FINISH THIS.
So we like use all of these words.
AND OH MAN HE USED PUNS.
He also coined “Dead as a doornail.” and all sorts of other things.
Some of you aren’t old enough to read Shakespeare. Language is weird. Some parts aren’t really “good.” Plots are complicated (heh.) Stuff is wacky.
BUT NOW I HAVE TO GO READ IT. So I might or might not post some sort of summary on Much Ado About Nothing.
Please pray that I don’t die in the process.
Note: Uhm some stuff went down where everyone agreed that Much Ado About Nothing is seriously impossible forget everything derp none of the ados none of them.