Monday, November 21, 2011

A Long Long Time Ago, ALL THE DISNEY!

A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AW-
Wait.
Ok, so, this was just a long time ago.
A LONG TIME AGO, JAKE GYLLENHAAL WAS-
Wait.
Ok, so, this was a long time ago. Before Jake Gyllenhaal.
A LONG TIME AGO, THERE WAS PERSIA.
After the days of Noah, there was a little paradise over near Mesopotamia which was all nice and stuff until the Persians got all up in thurr and was lyke “U MAD BRO?”
So they decided to be all original and rename the place “Persia”.
So y’all know Esther and Alexander the Great and Jake Gyllenhaal? Yeah. They were all from Persia. Except not all at the same time. BUT STILL.
So Persia has a really long history that we’re gonna stop right now because it’s complicated. Like bratty 12 year old girl Facebook relationships.
So we’re just gonna talk about two main peeps today. One was named Shiites. ... I’m gonna resist a joke there because if I don’t I will get my computer taken away for a long long time.
The others were called Sunnis.
But so stuff is still going on. Like, 38 minutes ago, there was a buncha Shiites trollin around and then some Sunnies came in and were like "NO." and then the Shiites were all "ASDFGHHJKL GET OUT." and the Sunnies were all "nope." and so they were killed.
BUT BACK TO BUSINESS.
So these weren’t exactly countries. These were divisions of Islam. After Mo’ (looong time since we talked about him specifically.) died, he wasn’t exactly a zombie to answer questions about Islam. Even though there WERE some mummiezombiemuslims, Mo’ was unable to make it to the deathday party. So there was some debate as to who should be the next Muslim leader. Some people thought that Abu should be the next leader. I don’t know who thought it would be a good idea to make a monkey a Caliph (which is the leader.) So the other people thought that it should be A guy named Ali. And whoever thought it would be a good idea to put Aladdin in disguise on the Caliph’s position is the Elephant that was actually Abu that Aladdin rode in that one scene.
So if you guys need a visual:
Sunnies:


Shiites:


Now that song will be stuck in my head all day. PRINCE ALIIII, FABULOUS HEEE, ALI ABABWAAAA~!
But so the two groups decided to just split up and be two different groups of Islam. It still spread though. LIKE BUTTER ON TOAST. LIKE A WILDFIRE. LIKE THE CHEESE TOUCH. LIKE... LIKE... SOMETHING ELSE THAT SPREADS.
So Islam spread in to Persia. It got all nice and reunited, and the Shiites ruled.
So the rules were canned Imans. Imans were a weird mix between Ipods and Walkmen that hipsters use so they look like cool hipster-thrift-store-vintage-hurr-durr.
Oh...
OH wait...
What was that?
Oh. Ok.
Nevermind. I spelled it wrong. It’s Imam.
So the first twelve Imams were considered to have supernatural powers and everyone thought they were without sins. Hurrdurr FAIL.
There was a guy named Ismail. He grew up learning about alla (no pun.) this stuff, but he didn’t want to grow up to be an Imam or a leader of a religious order or none’uh that jayazz. HE WANTED TO BE AN EMPEROR OF A GREAT EMPIRE. BAMBAMBAMBAA~! So he became a “Shah.”


This was a biiiig move. It changed Persia.... FOREVER! BAMBAMBAAAAM! (note: This is different from the “BAMBAMBAMBAA!”. The first is suspense music. The later is good happy trumpets.)
Ismail had created a new kind of government. He had a Theocracy, which is a government based on religion. And to this day, Persia (Now Iran, mind you.) is STILL the only country in the world based on the Shiite faith.
So the country was changed, but it was not exactly a fun time. There were still a bunch of Sunnits in the place, so they were forced to convert or die. Ismail hired a lot of people to do his dirty work for him, so they went out and killed a bunch of Sunnits and expanded the empire. Ismail made Tabriez the capital of Persia, and all was... uhm... pretty bad, actually.
AND THEN THE OTTOMAN TURKS WERE OVER HURR AND ISMAIL CAPTURED THEIR CITY BAGHDAD AND WUZ ALL “U MAD BRO?”
And ogurl.
So Ismail made a big name for himself with that buzznezz wif dah Turks and Baghdad.
But eventually Ismail, you know, died. His possible heirs weren’t exactly capable of ruling though. One switched his loyalty to the sunnies, one was too young to rule, one was blind, and one was insane.
So yeah. No good candidates here.
The Ottomans took back their city, and the empire shrunk.
AND THEN CAME A GOOD LEADER.
His name was Abbas, and he was a good ruler. In fact, he was a great ruler. In fact, his name was Abbas the Great. Hurrdurr.
He thought it would be a good idea to move the capital city AGAIN, so he moved it to Isfahan. It was in the middle of the Empire, and he covered it in art and pretty and rugs and tapestries and pretty shtuff. He opened trade with the English, selling them said rugs and tapestries, both of which are still popular today.
AND THEN ABBAS TOOK BAGHDAD BACK.
He pushed the borders back to where they were with Ismail.
But he had one tiny flaw.
Abbas was Senior Psycho, and he had one son killed, one son sent off to be raised somewhere else, and one son blinded. All in fear of one of them overthrowing him to take the throne, as he did his father!
BAM DAM DAAAAA.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

So there’s this dood. He was born in Italy, noble family, all that jayazz. Cool beans. Lived a good life.
Well erm sorta no not really.
This guy, Savonarola, read a lot when he was a kid. He attended a university, but he was kinda in culture-shock mode over there. So he decided to leave said university. He decided to live with his family instead of attent school.
And if you remember, Italy was going humanitarian. But Rola ovah hurr was still a strong Christian. He decided he’d straighten out his friends, his countrymen, and the Church.


Bada~!
Erm...


BADA~!
So Rola joined the Dominican Friars. He asked for the tiniest, most humble little itty bitty grimmy dirty ugly horrible job they had. So he was a cook and a cleaner.
SO THEY TOOK THAT AWAY FROM HIM.
They transferred Rola to Florence to preach because he was really really Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. So Rola was too good for the peeps. He was preachin’ wayy over their head’s. And his voice was kinda shrill, so it was annoying to listen to. Derp. So the people pretty much kicked dood outta Florence.
And that pretty much made his self-esteem drop reeeul low.
BABY SHE GOT LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW.
Ok. Sorry.
Soo after a few years, Rola decided to go back to Florence. He was better this time, and his preachin’ was AMAZING. His followers were nicknamed The Weepers because they cried so much. And what did he preach, exactly? He just preached the Gospel. And everyone loved it.
Rola pretty much was awesome. He had some kinda weird beliefs though. Some stuff was good though. He didn’t think gambling was good, inappropriate art, no cursing, no pagan books, no excessive jewelry, no immodest clothin, etc. etc. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, NO CARNIVALS OR ACROBATIC EVENTS.
Yeah.
I don’t get that last bit.
It was good though. Rich businessmen were getting rid of their money they got from cheating, bonfires were held to burn stuff like mirrorrrrs and makeuppp and jewelryyy and pagan boooks and a lot of stuff like that.
But there were the extremists.
There were these people that called themselves “THE BANDS OF HOPE”. The morality police. They’d come in to people’s houses, looking fo bad stuffz that they could burn. People started spying on each other, making sure that nobody was gambling or anything. So the situation got really bad.
But wait~!
Imagine the backlash of the people who weren’t too hip with Rola.
So you know Lorenzo de’Medici? Yeah. He liked Carnivals. And Books. And Paintings. So being the genius Lorenzo was, he decided to try to bribe Rola with gold.
F-F-F-F-FAAAAILMODE.
So Lorenzo died. And then his son took over. And his son was overthrown. So Rola was plastered up on the throne.
Now Rola was a pretty good leader. He took his position seriously. He employed good people, and had a good vision for Florence in general.
Unfortunately, Rola’s vision didn’t really go too well. He wanted to establish the kingdom of God in Florence.
Uhmyeahno.
So that didn’t go too well. He wanted a Christian Utopia. EVen though he had good intentions, they weren’t, technically, Biblical.
Rola’s greatest threat was... HIMSELF!
Well actually that’s a lie.
His greatest threat was Mr. P-to-da-ope. You see, Pope Alexander VI was really really immoral. Even though he never married, he had five children. He supported murder to get the things he wanted. So when Rola started to preach to Mr. P-to-da-ope, things didn’t go too well. He said, and I quote: “O PROSTITUTE CHURCH, THOU HAST DISPLAYED THY FOULNESS TO THE WHOLE WORLD, AND THY STINKEST TO HEAVEN.”
So he pretty much said, “Hey. Hey. Y’all stink. Take a shower plz kthxbai”
So Mr. P-to-da-ope was pretty mad. He wasn’t too fond of Rola callin’ the church a stinky prostitute.
And then Rola came back and had everyone burn a LOT of stuff. So Alex over hurr bribed Rola to quiet. Down. So Mr. P-to-da-ope offered him a big position in the church, but Rola turned him down.
So then he got himself excommunicated. And then people started to wonderrr... “Heyy. Why would they excommunicate a man of God? What if he isn’t? OH NO. OH NO. OH NO. WE GOTTA GET RID OF THIS GUY.”
And Rola runs for the hills.
The Franciscans decided to test Rola. They wanted to do this by SETTING HIM ON FIRE. Oh, oh, but it wasn’t THAT bad, because they’d set one of their monks on fire too! And the most righteous man would be saved my God.
...
OH. MY. WORD.
SO ROLA ACCEPTED.
Except he called for a stand in. So his good buddy whoever decided to TAKE ON THE CHALLENGE.
This made him look more like a coward and his followers were like wat.
So there was a debate if there really should be the trial by fire. IT was kinda pointless since Rola wasn’t even being set on fire. And then it started raining and they called the whole thing off. The crowd got in quite a ruckus, but they went home because they were getting wet.
You know who else was in a ruckus? Mr. P-to-da-ope. He was mad. And so the logical thing to do here is arrest Rola. Now that really /was/ a logical move. I mean, yeah. I don’t know. Pope: 1. Everyone else: a bajillion.
So Rola was put through court. Admit heresy, or torture. He chose torture.
At 45, Rola withstood the torture.
So Rola and his friends were dragged to a town square. He and his friends were stripped publicly, stoned, hung, strangled, burned, and then they threw their ashes in a river. In that order.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Moose and Otter and Moose

So we’re done with CC. Thank goodness. He was getting a bit old, eh?
SO NOW IT’S TIME FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
Ghana, Mali, and Songhai were three territories in Africa.
REWIND!
*vrrrmp*
Ancient Egyptians. Some people like to forget that Egypt was on the coast of Africa, but it is. There a Pharaoh named Amenhotep, Nefertiti, and Kind Tut. They all believed in one god. The Kushites and the Noks also stood out a little bit, but they weren’t as big as Egypt. They were in the south. Zombabwe came over and was all “HAYY GUYSS~! <333” So what about the rest of Africa? Well, in the west of Africa, there were some men called the Griots. They had to memorize history, and they still do it. Because of the Griots, they pretty much know all the history of all of Africa. Woahdood. So let’s start with the first place. Ghana. There is a legit modern day Ghana, but it’s not the same as this Ghana. The rules charged a lotta taxes on people who were just passing through, but not the people who lived there. You had to pay them in salt or gold. There was a lot of Salt to the north of Ghana, and a lot of gold to the south of Ghana. Now you’d think that gold was a lot more valuable than salt. BUTLOLNOPE. Salt was really expensive because they didn’t have fridgerators. Ok. Hold on. Let me explain. We’ve been over this. Salt + food = preservation. And it also protected peeps from dehydration, because they were reul close to the equator. So Ghana hung out for about 300 years. And then in 1070, the Mooselooms- Wait. What were the Mooselooms?


Plus:


Equals:
MOOSELOOM.
Ok. Butso the Mooselooms decided to trololover.
So then a new empire EMERGED FROM TEH ASHES~
Mali~!
It rose up in about the same Ghana. Mali had a lot of gold. Like, a LOT of gold. The founder of Mali was named Sundiata, pronounced “Soon-da-otta”


Ok but so.
Otter’s legs were kinda really screwed up. He was all gud with the upper body, but he couldn’t walk. And then here comes a blacksmith and he was all “ALL BETTER~!” So he got better. By the age of 10, Otter was an amazing hunter. He defeated some people and the Kingdom of Mali was the Empire of Mali.
And then 75 years later, a new power ROSE TO FAME. His name was Mansamusa. Pronounced... “Man’s-a-moose-uh”


Dude. What is with these names. LIKE REALLY.
AND MOOSE LIKE. LIKE I MEAN WHAT.
Ok.
So.
Mansamusa (i like that more than Moose. It’s fun.) was very impressed with the Mooselooms (I WONDER WHY) so he decided to head over to Meca. So Mansamusa decided to join sum’a his Mooseloom buddies on a pilgrimage to Meca. And to impress others on his journey to Meca, he decided to pass out A LOT OF GOLD. So Europeans decided to pay some attention to Mansamusa. Like, you know how people look at, you know, Brad Pitt and say, “I’m going in to show business.” Or people look at Steve Jobs and say, “LOLNOPE.”
...
Too zune?
“Hey! You got your judgement in my blog!”
“Hey! You got your blog in my judgement!”
Ok.
So.
Mansamusa got Mali put on the map. No4srs. Mali was put on the map with a picture of Mansamusa with a gold nugget. 4tehlulz.
Ok so a buncha tourists decided to make a visit to Mali. They found a buncha gold. AND THEY FOUND TIMBUKTU.
Everyone knows Timbuktu. It’s fun to say. Nobody really knows what is is or where it was. BUT NOW YOU DO. IT WAS IN MALI. IN AFRICA.
So Mansamusa came back from Meca with a buncha Muslims. They had Mosques, courts, schools, and strict laws. An odd thing is that Mansamusa never really took on Islam. He kept his African stuff, and the country is still a blend of religion.
SO NOW LET’S HAVE A SUPER COOL TRANSITION.
Songhai. It was STILL IN THE SAME PLACE. They slowwwlyy took over Mali. Askia Muhammad took over just one year after CC over hurr “found” America.
So Songhai, Mali, and ghana are all the same place.
Okso Askia kept the gold trade amovin’. Askia adopted Islam, and he appointed Mooselooms to some government positions. Even though 97 percent of Songhai was not even Muslim. A lot of the major cities had Mosques, even though ONLY THREE PERCENT OF THE POPULATION WAS MUSLIM.
So they standardized weights and measures. Beacuse what would happen is:
“AY MAN I NEED 5 OUNCES OF GOLD.”
And you give me this much:


And then Someone else gives me this much:


So they fixed that.
There was a big university, it had a lot of hand-written books, and the place was pretty presumptuous.
So EVERYTHING WAS GOOD AND NICE AND AWSUM LIKE THAT THE END?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

THE FINAL INSTALLEMENT (fo' realz this time.)

LOLOLOL THAT’S WAS FUNNY HOW I DROPPED YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Ok
So.
More Christopher Columbus~!
So he had ANOTHER voyage. With his brother, Christ and... His brother started the first European colony in UMERCUH.
Ok so it actually wasn’t UHMERCUH. It was actually Haiti. Butso Chris and his buddies decided to take the Haitians as slaves. And the Haitians couldn’t really decline because Chris had guns and horses. They tried, buttt unfortunatelyyy, Chris did not resolve the conflict peacefully. He decided to just kill a buncha people to get everyone in order.
And somewhere along the way, Chris started demanding gold every three months. Oh! Also, those who did pay him had cute little bronze bracelets. And those who didn’t got their arms lopped off! Yayyy!
So he went back home to Spain. He told everyone how awesome it was that he took all these people in to Slavery and chopped off their arms and everyone just kinda stared at him.
Sooo Chris went on ANOTHER journey. He went over to Venezuela. He called it the Other World because he couldn’t call it the New World becuase there already was a New World. So Isabella and Ferdinand sent new help with him to go back to the colony where he was CUTTING PEOPLE’S ARMS OFF and he got arrested. The new help took charge, and Chris sat in chains. He was sent back to Spain as a prisoner, and Isabella freed him and fired the leader of the colony back in Haiti.
Chrissy claimed that his trips were the fulfillment of Isiah’s prophecy to share the gospel message with those who had not seen God’s glory. Well, that’s nice.
So Chris took yet ANOTHER VOYAGE. So this time he dragged his son along with him. In fact, a lot of the crew were teenagers. They were going to try to find a passage through UHMERCUH. Of course it didn’t really exist. But Chris knew there was another ocean SOMEWHERE, but he was never able to prove that he was right.
So this was the most difficolt most chalenging hardest voyage yet. They ate their food at night so that they wouldn’t have to see the worms in it. EWEWEW. Their clothes were always soaked. And they had a few problems with the natives.... There was some bloodshed. Chris’s faith got kinda fuzzy. They got marooned in Jamaica and a ship came to help them. When he got back to Spain, Isabella was too sick to meet with him. Ferdinanad wasn’t gonna give him more money (HMMIWONDERWHY). So Chris died alone.
Ok, so, America was not even named after Christopher Columbus. It was named after Amerigo Vespucci. He was Italian.
So.
Uhm.
Yeah.
That was uber anti-climatic compared to our last lessons.
But whatevar~!

Monday, November 7, 2011

4 teh lulz

THIS IS THE POST YOU’VE ALLL BEEN WAITIN’ FOOOO’. The post that answers all your questions... ABOUT CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.
But you’re gonna have to wait sum maor because before I get in to that I have some stuff to tell you.


So Christopher Columbus is on land. He met some Indians. BUT.
THERE IS *NO* EVIDENCE THAT HE WENT IN TO AMERICA.
So it was all a lie. HE DIDN’T EVEN DISCOVER IT. HE JUST DISCOVERED THE BAHAMAS.
Also, he didn’t even know he was in the Bahamas (so they sayyy.). He thought he was in Japan. So since he thought he was in Japan, he sent in some peeps with official letters and jazz to the emperor.
Some map-maker.
Anyway, Chris over hurr is why we call our Native Americans “Indian”. Why? Because he thought they were Indians.

FAIL.

Chris here really wanted to share the gospel with the Indians. He thought that they were not religious. Which was odd, because I am pretty sure they had gods. Yeah. They had a buncha gods. HMMTHAT’SREALLYODD.
Also, Chris didn’t JUST want to share the gospel. He wanted to find MONEYYY. In fact, he only wanted gold when it came to money. He SAID that it was to go to the holy land, but you know... I mean... Meh.
IT WAS A LIE.
So Columbus wanted money. He wanted to explore. HE WAS A SPY TOO.
So then they lost the Santa Claus.
On Christmas Eve.
LOLOLOLOLOL
So then they went back to Spain. The Nunya and the Piñata were their only ships, but they got caught up in a storm. But they got back pretty good. Chris dropped by his buddy KING JOHN and He laughed at John.
Then he went to Spain.
Ohboi.
Chris got to Spain and recieved a big welcome. He got the title Admiral of the Ocean Sea. He got the Rank of Nobility, and he was promised to govern Newly Discovered Land.
AND OGURL. U KNO WHUT ELZ HE B GETTIN?
He got to wear his hat in front of the king and queen. It was some sort of honor or something to that extent.
Hmm.
Well.
That’s nice.
AND THEN...
CAME...
HIS...
DOWNFALL.


































































































































































































bumbumbumm~!










(You guys thought I was gonna tel you his downfall, didn't cha? WELL BE PATIENT.)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

A LIAR AND A THEIF AND A SPY AND A TROLL.

Today, my friends, this is about....
THE LIAR.
THE FAKER.
THE TROLL.
THE.
THE...
THE FAKE DISCOVERER OF AMERICA.
Ok. So. Christopher Columbus SAID he discovered America first. BUT THAT IS... A LIE. Christopher Columbus’s life was FULL of mystery and riddles.
OGURL.
A lot of people disagree about his geneology. WHO WAS HE RELATED TO? WHERE DID HE COME FROM? WHO IS THIS lying MAN?
Also, where exactly did he land? DID HE EVEN LAND? DID HE EVEN LAND IN AMERICA? ~NOBODY KNOWS~
And what about his faith? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A CHRISTIAN. BUT A LOT OF ACTIONS CONTRADICTED THEMSELVES. WAS HE REALLY A CHRISTIAN? HE WAS A LIAR. THAT’S WHAT HE WAS.
Christopher Columbus wrote in his diary (tee hee~ :3) that he was born in Genoa, Italy. A buncha history books claim that Chris was Italian.
BUT SOME PEOPLE THINK HE WAS GREEK. THERE IS EVIDENCE THAT HE WAS GREEK. HE COULD HAVE BEEN A SPANISH JEW. HE COULD HAVE BEEN PORTUGUESE. THERE’S EVIDENCE FOR ALL OF IT. HE’S A LIAR.
Whatever he was, he SURE AS MONKEYS WASN’T ITALIAN.
In factttt...
HE WAS PROBABLY A SPY TOO.
A PORTUGAL SPY. FOR THE KING.
BECAUSE HE WAS SENT TO SPAIN TO LURE SPANISH SOLDIERS AWAY FROM AFRICA BECUZ IT WAS THE PORTUGUESE'S TRADE ROUTES..
But no 4srs that’s a legit theory.
And Christopher Columbus isn’t like one of those names like Cosimo de’Medici.
AND THERE IS EVEN EVIDENCE THAT HE CHANGED. HIS. NAME.
Isn’t that really suspicious? Like, really weird?
SPIES CHANGE THEIR NAMES ALL THE TIME. AMIRITE?
Chris (if that’s even his real name!) used the name Cristoval Colon. Sometimes, Cristoval is spelled Cristobal.
OGURL.
Also, there aren’t any pictures of Chris. NONE. NO PORTRAITS. Any of the pictures you see today were not painted when he was alive.
ISN’T THAT KINDA WEIRD?
WHO EXACTLY WAS CHRIS?
Also, he has a weird signature. Because it was made up of GREEK AND LATIN LETTERS IN THE SHAPE OF A PYRAMID ON FOUR LINES
Check it:


Uhmyeah.
That’s...
weird.
IT’S KINDA SUSPICIOUS.
NOBODY REALLY SPOKE GREEK OR LATIN.
NOBODY KNOWS WHY HE DID IT LIKE THAT.
And the last line “xpo ferens” means “Christ Bearer”
Yeah. That doesn’t make any sense.
BUT IN 1492 CHRIS SAILED THE OCEAN BLUE.
So a lot of people believe that he sailed west to just kinda go around the world and get to the east. Why did he want to go to the east? Because China, Japan, and India had silkkk and spicesss and gemmms and gollld. AND BECAUSE PRESTER JOHN.
Chris called his adventure the “Enterprise to the Indies”
Also, he was not the creator of the idea of sailing west to go east.
SO HE WAS A THIEF TOO. A LIAR AND A THIEF AND A SPY AND A TROLL.
So Chis needed some money. So King John (HIS SPYMASTER) had gotten an appeal from Chris. John turned him down. HMMTHAT’SODD. Ok so then he asked Isabella and Ferdinand (muhmeber them?)
BUT DID JOHN REALLY TURN DOWN CHRIS? DID HE USE HIM AS A DECOY? Because without funding from King John, he got a lot of Spain’s money. And without money, they couldn’t support their troops. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Ohyeah~
Ok.
Back to business.
So Chris had moved to Spain. Bella and Ferd had funded him. So it actually took Chris SIX YEARS OF BEGGING to get his funding. Hmm. IT SOUNDS LIKE HE WAS REALLY DETERMINED. WHY DIDN’T HE PLEAD WITH JOHN? HMM? WHY? THAT’S A BIT ODD.
So after 6 years years, Isabella, who was the same age as Chris, Shared her... zealousness to go to sea. So Isabella convinced Ferd to fund him. After Isabella convinced him, Chris got the monkey outta Spain.
I WONDER IF ISABELLA SHARED ANYTHING ELSE WITH HIM HMMM IT’S A BIT ODD DON’TCHA THINK.
So Chris had some ships and 90 men. Three shrips. The Santa Claus, the
Piñata, and the Nunya.
So they set sail. The Nunya and Piñata were smaller than the Santa Claus, but they were easy to steer. They were captained by some brothers. THE PINZON BROTHERS
The Santa Claus was kinda awkward to manage, but it was 7 feet long and 12 feet wide. So they were really tiny. He called himself the “Admiral” of his “fleet”. His fleet of... three ships? None of which were that big? Oh whatever. So the brothers and Chris sailed out. They stopped at the Canary Islands, which is right off the coast of Africa.


So then they left after they stocked up. For three days they could still see land on the horizon, but after that, they could only see ocean. OGURL. And it was THREE. WEEKS. Before they saw land again. So Chris had a lot of faith in that time, but his crew was getting really tired. Chris LIED and said that they weren’t far from land.
LIAR.
LIAR LIAR PANTS OF FIRE.
So he kept two diaries. A fake one, and a legit one. On September 9th, he confessed in his legit journal that he had been lying. The fake info was not enough to keep them from getting mutinous. So at the start of the third week, they started spazzin out. Chris said, “YO, GUYS, JUST A FEW MORE DAYS. DON’T. WORRY.” But Boy-who-cried-wolf mode went on. They started thinking about throwing Chris overboard. Some thought he had a SECRET MAP THAT TOLD HIM WHERE TO GO.
Oooo THAT’S REALY WEIRD.
Because his crew had seen little glimpses of land, they were really worried.
HMM THAT’S WEIRDDD.
Also, he caught a lot of odd winds.
So they were getting really really close to land. Chris said that for the first person person who saw land got a shipment of gold and silk. That got everyone excited. They saw birds. they saw twigs. But no land. BUT THEN SOMEONE SAW IT. You know who saw land first? Chris saw land first. So he got himself a shipment.
AND THEN THEY GOT THERE.
Chris named where he landed San Salvador. That means Holy Savior. So they got to land. They were greeted by the Natives, and Chris gave them some bonnets and beads.
BUT! FOR NOW, I MUST GO. SOON, WE WILL TALK ABOUT THE REST OF HIS VOYAGE. AND... HIS LOSS OF REPUTATION.
(bambambammm!)