Thursday, March 29, 2012


Yo, guiz, this is so like totally awesome. This isn’t gonna be a depressing one~!

So this guy. Nicolaus Copernicus. He was Polish. Which means he’s like, instantly cool. And he was, like, the first to come up with the idea that the earth totally revolved around him the sun.

And he was TOTALLY right.

But so like we haven’t really talked about Poland a whole lot. But basically it had come out of a totally bad time of war and, like, junk. So they were seriously in a Golden Age, and this university opened which was, like, awesome.

So Nick went to this University. And he was in the church and he was like totally awesome. Well, he wasn’t AS awesome as the priest, but he was still like totally rad. But he like took a break and he went over to Italy for a little bit.

Nick was like totally into watching the nick sky and like stuff. And he was like lookin at the starts and stuff and he noticed that they like, totally moved differently than what he thought and it like reallly confused him and, like, stuff.

So Do you guys remember Ptolemy? He was like, totally smart. But he thought that the earth stood still and everything moved around it. But that was, like, wrong. Copernicus like totally jacked this other theory some other people had come up with.

He, like, thought that he the sun was, like, totally the center of the universe, and, like, the earth moved around on it’s axis.

But so like in 1522 he wrote this thing about his idea. And so like this was 5 years after Martin Luther was all up in duh Reformation. But so Nick was, like, a little shy because he knew that the big fish wouldn’t like his ideas.

And when the big fish didn’t like someone, the Inquisition got THEIR nose all up in the little fish’s buzznuzz and gurrrl. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS~!


Now I dunno if Nick was wise or if he was just cowardly, but he didn’t really publish “his” shtuff right away because the Inquisition.

So Luther and Calvin were like “ok we can bond over out mutual hatred for this idea ok?” And they did.

So This kinda brough Nick’s spirits down since his, like, idols were hatin on him and his ideas. And so like so he wouldn’t be, like, totally roasted alive he went and studied medicine and economics and, like, stuff.

But he still loved to like, look at the sky and stuff. Totally.

Like, he, like, didn’t have telescopes either but he followed Mars in the sky.

Nick also had a brofriend. And so his frand was like, “Bro you NEED to publish your shtuff like totally” and so Nick was like old and shtuff and he was like “ok.”

But so Nick was pretty much dying when he book came out. And ohmigosh he was like going through the pages and he died.

And it was good that he died because the church was like “GURL NO YOU CAN’T DO THAT” And so was the Inquisition. And they also didn’t really understand it and it was condemned as heresy. And they like banned the book and hand it burned and ohmigosh. And ok so like maybe I lied in the beginning but it's too late because THIS POST IS OVER.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Super Witty Subject Title

So this guy was a pretty important person. He pretty much risked his life to translate the Bible into English. Why was this dangerous? Because the Catholics.

His name was William, and he went to college and was a good person and herpderpderp. He was exposed to some of the best Greek scholars. And he was studying the Greek language. He was taught by the Italians, but he didn’ really flow with the whole Renaissance thing. He iwent a studyin the New Testament instead.

Now yew guys muhmember John Wycliffe? Neihter do I. But he had translated the Bible into English about 200 years ago. But that didn’t really make it to the printing press, and the LOLLARDS (fun names) were STILL hand copying it, and those copies were pretty expensive and not very accurate. Because some stuff wasn’t translated right, and some of it was different and cut short, and some people just got confused, and it basically got screwed up a few times. But the point is that Wycliffe Translated the Translation.

So Will came by and was like “I’M GUN FIX THIS.”

He goes up to the Bishop and was like “Hay can I do this?” And the Bishop was all Bishopy and was lyk “No.”

Will realized he was up in some srsbznz. England was a bag of controversy because Henry VIII was like “OH IF I WANT A NEW WIFE I’LL JUST START A WHOLE NEW CHURCH BECAUSE OF IT IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”

Ha ha.



So Will went over to Europe and he published his first New Testament Translation in Cologne.

rmal, everyday business. But it wasn’t. It was really really dangerous. This customer was at a print shop, and he heard what was being printed there and he CALLED UP THE AUTHORITIES. This was very short notice, so Will ran through the shop, grabbed all his stuff that he could, and headed for Wyrms. This was a little bit safer, and he got about 6,000 copies out of that. Only 2 exist today. Because most of them were probably BURNED BY THE CHURCH or something.

But anyway.

You guys remember Thomas More? Yeah. He didn’t really like the ideas that Will had. At all. Which is really sad, because he was a good man and all. He wasn’t a hater or anything, he just thought people were stupid.

Now it’s time for irony~!

The Roman Catholics were like really opposed and they were all like but no y no make bible and then will was like yes i do make bible AND THEN THE CARDIN, THE HEAD DUDE UNDER TH POPE ARRESTED WILL.



In order to prevent Will’s Bible’s from hitting the streets, the Arch-Bishop of Canterbury decided to buy ALL OF THEM so he could burn them. This caused more money to go into printing more Bibles.


So Will moved to the Netherlands, but he kinda stayed on the move because he was a wanted man. Unfortunately, he got tricked and someone claiming to share his views got him. He invited him to dinner, and once he was outside, he started yelling for the authorities and he was in prison for 16-18 months in the dungeon of a castle.

I’m not making that last part up. HE WAS IN THE COLD DAMP DUNGEON OF A CASTLE.


Thomas More was arrested and executed about the same time as Will was. Herpin mah derp like yeuh.

Anyway, Will only really wanted three things. 1: a Bible. 2: A candle. 3: A coat.


So anyways, he was condemned as a heretic, strangled, and burned. His last words were something along the lines of “May the king open his eyes.”

Well that’s... nice?


About the same time, Henry VIII was surrounded by Reformers. He was given the idea to print the Bible, but he heard about Will and he didn’t want anything like that to happen.

So he didn’t want Will’s Bible. So it was disguised, and sent to Henry as Matthew’s Bible. Henry loved it.


Matthew’s Bible was improved, and it grew in size and was called “The Great Bible”. I was published, placed in every church WITH A CHAIN SO IT WASN’T STOLEN (what the heck) and was promoted.

Also, you guys know the King James Bible? It’s about 90 percent of Will’s. And even though it cost him his life, Will pretty much translated the Bible we read today.

(I actually use a NIV but whatever the end.)

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Pounce De Lion, MERICUH, Indians, Oh My!

If anyone is unable to laugh at themselves, I kindly ask that you leave now.


Now when people went traveling around ‘MERICUH, they killed lots of people. Who did they kill? THE ONLY INHABITANTS, NATIVE NORTH AMERICANS.

Otherwise known as Indians. And for the sake of simplicity, we’re gonna call them that.

Those Dora the Explorers were all up in the ‘MERICUHH, and they nicknamed it the Land Of Opportunity. And the Indians were like “Yeah. OUR Lands of Opportunity.” But unfortunately, the Indians did not speak whatever language the explorers spoke so they could not express this opinion without, you know, some neighborly bloodshed.

SO THIS GUY. His name was Juan Pontc de Leon. Otherwise knows as Pants, because that’s how his second name is pronounced. He was from Spain, and he had travelled with our old buddy Chris. He settled down in Central America, and he was made Governor of PUERTO R-R-RICO~ And the PUERTO R-R-RICANS~ told him that up north there was a beautiful fountain that restored youth to the old and would give him the fountain of youth and awesomeness. Otherwise known as the Fountain of Youth. Annnd he believed it. So he hopped on a ship and sailed up north.

I’m guessing the PUERTO R-R-RICANS~ didn’t like Pants very much.

Anyways, Pants went on sailin’ up to Florida.

As we all should know is that there is no Fountain Of Youth on the coast of Florida. Pants actually named Florida, except the name was a little longer. Pants tried to start a colony, but that didn’t really work out. Because the Indians.

And soon, ERRYONE wanted to move into Florida. But Florida is nice. I like Florida.

Including the French!

So France sent some explorers, but they were actually looking for a passage to China. Still. ANYWAYS, Francis the First of France sent out a guy towards ‘MERICUH, looking for a shortcut to China. Because China had all the shtuff. Which France did not have, apparently.

And while the explorer guy was running around, he bumped into Canada and was like “Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there 4 MILLION SQUARE MILE MASS OF LAND.”

Anyways, this guy named Jacques Cartier sailed around Newfoundland and hung out around Quebec. And he met the Micmac (which is fun to say.) Who were horrible Indians who slaughtered him and his crew. ER, wait. Hang on.


It’s exactly the opposite. They were wonderful people.

Anyways, so the guy met a lot of people and claimed the area for France by building a THIRTY FOOT TALL CROSS. And the Indians were confused with this. And they were like “Y u do diss.” So he lied and was like “IT’S A LAND MARK I MAKE IS SO BEUTIFUL.”

And that was the first mistake. But the Indians were like “Oh ok cool.” So he got best frands with the Chief and either jacked his kids or asked politely for his children. I dunno. Nobody does. Either way, they went on to France and taught them French and shtuff. He took them back to Quebec and gave them back to their dad. And on this trip, guy went and jacked Montreal. Sorta. He named it, at least. Er, he named the mountain. And he didn’t actually name it Montreal. He named it Mount Royal, which is kinda like Montreal.

So he didn’t really do a whole lot.

Anyways, Canada is really really REALLY cold. So he and his crew went on trekking through four foot deep snow, icey oceans, and the whole crew was nearly wiped out.


So Jaqc jacked the chief and nine other peeps (Fo realz this time, he did really jack the person. It was a kidnapping. Chiefnapping.) with him to France. And the Chief was kinda ok with this apparently, because there wasn’t any protesting or anything. He wanted the Chief and his peeps to basically tell the king “HEY CANADA IS AWESOME AND GOLD.” But the Chief and peeps died shortly after reaching France.

So the guy went back on to Canada, although he was with a different crew and was not the captain. And the natives were angry. He lied and told them their chief was alive and well back in France, but that was a lie. And they thought it was a lie. So he left Canada AGAIN, which what he thought was heapin’ loads of diamond and gold. But it was actually quartz and fool’s gold. After this embarrassment, he was kinda like FORGET THIS and he hung his hat up and retired.

Now while Jaqc was all in the Canada, Some Spaniards were checking out North America. South North America. Meaning, Florida and Mississippi and shtuff. This was about 25 years after Pants, and this guy named Hernando was hanging out. He was so special he had a town named after him!

But he was really mean. He wanted gold and he thought it was a good idea to enslave the Native Americans! Because obviously, they’ve got gold, right?


From the Indians!

Bleh. So he got a lot of people and dogs and stuff, but it’s kinda sad that he thought THAT far ahead. But he did also bring preachers and monks.



But so yew guiz remember the Incas? How they got wiped out and shtuff? Well this guy was involved with that. Yay~

So he got frands with some of the Indians because they were pagan, and then killed some others because they were pagan. And last I checked, the Bible did not say “THOU SHALT KILL SOME PAGANS YOU DON’T LIKE AND BE FRANDS WITH OTHER PAGANS YOU DO LIKE.”

(It doesn’t say either of those, baituhwai.)

HE THEN WENT TO FLORIDA. Mosquitoes, alligators, swamps, oh my! They nearly ate his men alive. All three of those things.

So he found some Indians and started killing them. Which was really really stupid, because they knew where the gold was.

Do you know where it was?


So the Indians were like “OH YEAH THERE’S SOME GOLD JUST KEEP GOIN UP.” And he kept goin’ up and he kept not finding any.

Some people view Indians as stupid herpderps. They were actually pretty smart, apparently.

BUT They probably lied to him to get him to leave. Because bloodthirsty murderers aren’t very nice people to have around your village. Seriously.

However, the more stories of gold he heard, the more he wanted it. So eventually he wandered over Florida, Alabama, South Carolina, Mississippi, Tennessee, and Arkansas. Probably Georgia too.

Eventually, the guy died. So they buried him in an old Indian Mound.

And his men got really really scared. Because Hernando kinda told them that he was immortal. So they told the Indians that he just kinda disappeared. And so the crew just left because they didn’t really want to stay. So they hopped on the Mississippi River and sailed down to Mexico.


Now this last guy is named ~Fr-r-rancisco de Cor-r-ronado~. He was from England.



He was over in the Texas-Oklahoma-Arizona area. And New Mexico. And like everyone else, he found some painfully smart Indians. AYY, THERE’S SOME CITIES DOWN SOMEWHERE MADE OUT OF GOLD AND JEWELS AND PRETTY.

Of course, this was a lie.

Of course, Fran believed it.

This legend went on long enough for Fran to get three hundred men to march through cacti and deserts and BUFFALO~. Eventually, they ended up in the Grand Canyon. And the Continental Divide. And no cities made of gold. So he felt really bad so he retired in Mexico City and was declared a failure. Like everyone else!

He was also later charged of poor treatment of Indians.


So yeah. This is just kinda the first part of a longlonglonglongLONG series on American history. GET READY.

Monday, March 5, 2012

It Also Has Rats. And Tourists.

So yew guiz know the Renaissance. The center of said Renaissance was Venice. They had a big trade buzznuzz goin on because everyone was going back and forth between everywhere and Venice.

Venice is that one Italian city with all the rivers. It didn’t get attacked by bad peeplz, except for that one time with that guy. It’s over there in the north, and it’s like right up in the Adriatic Sea, otherwise known as the duck’s wing. The thin one, not the big black one. And Venice is also best buddies YUGOSLAVIA, which is just fun to say. Because they live right next door to each other.

So the peeps buildin Venice got kinda carried away with their gimmick. They started using the sea a little too much, and soon all the roads were replaced with water! Well, not really, but you know. There was a lot of water. There was a big giant grand canal, and they used EVERY EXCUSE THEY COULD THINK OF to prettify the thing. Every single thing in the city was made all pretty and fancy and awesome. However, they had to import food. Because it’s hard to grow food in the water. But that was ok, because that means they got to sell their leather is stone and pretties. Now I don’t know how they got that leather, because if it’s hard to grow food then I don’t know WHERE they got those cows. Unless it was like rat lather or somethin, but that’s nasty and I don’t want to elaborate on that.

Venice was sitting right between the east and west, and when our buddy MARCO! (you can say it. You know you want to.) went to China, he did some shameless self advertising with the Chinese and everyone he met along the way. Because, you know, sea monsters and fish and shtuff are suckers for some good trade cities. MARCO! also brought back some silk and spices and nice things like that.

So it was also a big city for art. The artists focused on color and light, probably because they were surrounded by color and light.

VENICE ALSO HAD A BIG PAINTER WHICH I’VE NEVER HEARD OF. He was named Tiziano Vecelli da Cadore. But he went by Titian. Like fo rulz this time he really did go by Titian. Because Tiziano Vecelli da Cadore was cumbersome. BUT~! He was an art student, and he only had one other guy in the art class with him. And he was better than Titian. But that guy “died of the plague.” Then the guy’s teacher died six years later, which kinda left the door to be a master artist wide open. He soon surpassed his teacher, because it’s kinda hard to paint well when you’re dead.

So Titian was just a great painter. I mean, he wasn’t all HURPDURP BEST ARTIST EVAR. HURPDURP MY ART SHOWS STORIES. HURPDURP I AM A SOCIAL BUTTERFLAHH. None of that. But still, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a good painter. He broke a few rules of painting. He moved what would be in the center, to the SIDE.


So Titian‘s strong point was portraits. And he painted a LOT of people. A lot of women. One of his most famous is called La Bella. However, to be different than Leonardo, he gave her eyebrows. And no landscape. And Charles V, THE HOLY ROMAN EMPEROR wanted Charles to be the court painter. Which was really good, because Titian’s wife had died, and it was a nice change of scenery. Charles kept him busy with painting shtuff. Mostly of himself. In all different ways. Charles with his dog, Charles on his horse, Charles with his wife, Charles on his throne, Charles Charles Charles. Titian was also sent along to Mr. P-to-da-ope, so he went along to Rome. He met Michelangelo, who, oddly, got along with Titian. He was greatly influenced, and soon started painting muscular floating mostly naked people. However, like all people, Titian died.

Venice gained, through Titian, more popularity. It continued to flourish as a trade city, however, eventually things died down and it turned into just a typical Renaissance city.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Just Skip This One Because It's Really Stupid But I Have To Put It Up Anyway This Title Is Riciculously Long And I Can't Spell That Word And I Don't Care And You're Not Supposed To Capitalize The Word And Or The Or But Or Or But Just DEAL WITH ITTTTT.

So I can’t think of a better way to open this up than to say we’re gonna talk about some ladies today.

THIS LADY. Her name is Isabella De’ste. She was smart. She was pretty. She was modest. She was gracious. She was fun-loving. Everyone loved her. She married an Italian Duke to be an Italian Dutchess.


But she was gettin all too much into prettiness and she got some artist people that were all over the place to sculpt her and paint her. But she wasn’t really satisfied until Titian painter her looked about 40 years younger than she really was. Hurpderpdurp.

NEXT LADY. Lucretia Borgia. She waz bein’ da Mr. P-to-da-opes Duaghter and guuuuurl she be da Cesare’s sistahhh. She be gettin all duh shtuff and she waz be havin tew Baby daddehs but day waz bot dey both got ded by her bro. An she didn let no teechahs teech her bayybayys she teeched uhm hershelf. And guuuurl she was thuh pruttiest gurl in tuh hizhouse and she be all up in thuh poetry buzznuzz and she all up in da artzz bein all sponserin and guuurl she went to Church evvry Sunday. An she got deed like her two babydaddehs when she had her seventh an everyone was all sad when she got all up wif her other babbydaddehs in the hevven. An when dey saw her dey was all “LOOCREESHUHHH~!”

ANOTHER LADY~! You guys remember the nice old woman that befriended Michelangelo? This is that lady! And, you see, her husband wasn’t a very nice man. He was always away on wars and with other people, but she still loved and honoured him. After he died, she did not remarry. And she was pretty much all artsy and poetry.

THIRD LADY. This chick was born in 1492. Ring a bell? IT SHOULD. Her name was Margaret. She was French (Honhonhon~) but she became the queen on Navarre. Which was between Spain and France. She was realy smart and all nice and stuff. She hung out with the scholars and she wrote and stuff. She wrote, but most of it was Romance which most people frowned upon. And she was very tolerant. She supported the Humanists, the Catholics, AND the Reformers. Which was odd. And also frowned upon.

THEN THIS LADY. Lady Reformer. But also a nun. She wanted to take the nuns back to their roots, because they had been partayin it up with the monks. So she opened up a convent in Spain! IT was named the shoeless convent, because she wanted them all to live in poverty. And she was really strict with that poverty buzznuzz. Even the inquisition was like “Are you sureee?”

FIFTH LADY. Her name was Anne Askew. Oh, poor girl. “ASKEW YOU!” But anyways. This lady was really into the Reformation. She was a follower of Martin Luther, but her daddy made her marry a Catholic. The marriage failed (duh) and she became a preacher in London! Which is weird. But whatever. While she was in London, she became friends with the last wife of Henry VIII. Anyways, Anne was arrested many times for handing out Protestant literature. She was also tortured to give the name of other protestants. She did not say a word, though. Well, except for the general cries of pain, but not any names. She was burned at the stake, and was unable to walk to her own execution or stand for it due to being stretched too hard on the Rack. Well, that’s lovely.

LIGHTER HISTORY LADY. Sofonisba. SOPHA NIS-BAH. She was a famous portrait artist, and there were only about 40 ladeees who succeeded at it. And Sofonisba was probably the most famous. She was hired by the Duke of Spain, and then the Queen and King of Spain. She was married to a Ship’s Captain, and she painted self portraits and she was really pretty.


Th-that’s it.

The... end?