Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I’M SO EXCITED. Mom said this story would have lots of blood. Yaaaay~

First lemme explain a few things. We need to know what’s going on all up in the Holy Land. Who lived there? JESUS. And Israel was under rule of the Romans and the Jews. But about 70 years after Jesus died *le sob* the Romans took over all of Israel. And they destroyed the temple in Jerusalem *le sob*. And that was Biblical prophecy. And in 135 after dinosaurs (Or A.D. Or Anno Domini. Or in the year of our Lord. Whatever floats your boat.) Bar-Kokhbah led a little revolt against the Romans. Some people thought he was the Messiah, but they were mistaken. Their hope died when he died. Sooo then the Romans ruled Plestine (Israel) for the next 500 years. Wow. And then Mohammad (‘Member him?) came over and made the Muslim religion. Then the Muslims made the Arab empire. And they had an empire now, and that means that they liked conquering stuff. Islam started to spread rullly fast, but when they invaded Spain, France stood like a rock because Charles Martel (Granddaddy of Charlemagne). And we need to say THANKIES CHARLES because if it weren’t for him, there might not be a Christian America. And so the Muslims went over and conquered Palestine. And that is not good. They ruled over there for 400 years. And the in 1064, some newbies walked in and say “HAI GUYS!!!1!1!!!1” They were from Turkistan and the newb Muslims were really powerful. And the older guys weren’t to happy. Before the newbs came in, Christians were kinda tolerated. But these Turks... Well, they didn’t like Christians. Or Jews. And then they started to get tortured *le sob* and here is where we really start to get into the crusades.

Remember the Byzantine empire? Well, there was this Byzantine emperor who was really afraid of the Turkistan Newblets. And then the newblets attacked Constantinople. AND OH HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH LETTERS TO THE POPE. So the Emperor decided to send a letter to Mr. P-to-da-ope asking for help. At least it wasn’t an angry, insulting letter. YO MOMMA SO UGLY SHE LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW AND GOT ARRESTED FOR MOONING. But so the Emperor and Mr. P-to-da-ope weren’t really friends but they helped each other anyways.
But P-to-da-ope was preachin’ and promisin’ and he made a bad promise this one time. He said that soldiers who fought would be forgiven and received into heaven and some stuff that wasn’t right at all. But it worked and they got a buncha soldiers. Heeeere’s where the crusades started.
And in 1096 the Christians started a fight against the Muslims that lasted for 200 years.
So now let’s talk about the first crusades. They weren’t done too well because of the leaders. Their names? Peter the Hermit and Walter the Penniless. TROLOLOL. They didn’t have much of a plan as to how to feed 15,000 soldiers, so a lot died of starvation. Most of the people were peasants without any training, so erm. And then sometimes the Muslims would attack the camps and kill some soldiers, then they’d leave the bodies out in the sun to rot as warnings.
So the REAL first crusades went much better .They were led by knights and stuff and there were about 50,000 soldiers per thingy-ma-bob. And then they got Jerusalem back! Yaaay! But it wasn’t done in a real Christiany way :c They pretty much went on a big killing spree. They killed men, women, and children, without even considering if they were enemies or Jews. Blood in the streets was said the be so deep that it reached the reins of the horses. Now I don’t know if that was figurative or not, but EWEWEW D: But so eventually Jerusalem was split into 4 bits, each with a king.
And in comes the second crusade! In 1144 trouble started a’brewin’. And his time the preaching didn’t come from Mr. P-to-da-ope. It came from this guy named St. Bernard. But this one didn’t turn out to well, in fact, it was about as good as the early ones. King Loius VII and Conrad III also helped out in this crusade.
But so, pretty much, from these we’ve learned what NOT to do. Because most of the crusades were really fail, it didn’t turn out too well.

1 comment: