Monday, May 23, 2011


So some ancient doods built Stonehenge. Derp.
Then the Celts settled there. And then the Romans invaded and built some casinos under their ruler Julius Caeser. Pesky pesky Romans!
Then the barbarians came and then King Arthur tried to stop them. Then St. Augustine brought Christianity to England. THEN THE VIKINGS :D But Fred (Or Alfred if you want to be boring.) Stopped them.
But this isn’t about Vikings. Or Fred. HAIII IT’S FRED :D
Ok. But so, like I said, this isn’t about the vikings. Or Fred. Or any of those guys. THIS IS ABOUT NORMANS.

The Normans.
But so they were the kiddies of Vikings. WE MARRIED VIKINGS, WHADD’YA KNOW, THE TERRORS OF THE SEA~
Sorry. I have to sing that every time Vikings are mentioned.
But so apparently this isn’t about vikings, but their kiddies. Herpderpcircleoflife.
But the Danish (omnomnom) invaded France. And then they were given NORMANDY. Vikings from Normandy were named Normans. Then they adopted Christianity. SON, YOU’RE ADOPTED. Okbutso. The Normans started to become more civilized and less... viking.
And so this leads us to the star of the show, William!
No, not William Shakespeare. This William was the Duke of Normandy. *oooh, aaaah*
But so he had to play an uber serious game of hide and go seek for a few years because a lot of people wanted to be Duke. But when he came out of hiding, he was a big scary soldier that could protect himself.
But so William was BFFs with the king of England. In fact, he was his cousin. And the king was named Edward. And he was really Christian and so he built some churches and stuff. And he built an abbey. That’s like a church c: But it got real famous. It’s called the Westminister Abbey. Cool, aaay? Aaay.
And then Ed told Will that he would be THE NEXT KING OF ENGLAND~ But the people of England didn’t like that idea. They didn’t like the idea of a Norman to be king!

WRONG NORMAN AGAIN. But I don’t think anybody would like him to be King either.
But so the English had another guy in mind. They wanted Harold of Wessex to be their king. And so when Edward died, Harold claimed...

Harold said that Edward said to him, while Edward was on his deathbed, that he, Harold, should be king! So when Harold was king, another Harold (Whom I will henceforth call trololol) invaded. Now Trololol was a Norman. He attacked England in the north. AND I WROTE A POEM ABOUT IT.
Three men lived in England
And wanted to be Kingland.
They all fought and fought and fought,
Until Victory was wrought.
The winner was the best,
And his name was (SPOILER HIDDEN~)
But so Harold (Not Mr. Trololol) marched off north. But Trololol lost. So now it’s just Harold and William. While Harold was all fightin’ up there with Trololol, William was making the English people like him. So Harold and William had a war. It was called the Battle of Hastings. It was on a hill, erm, near, erm, Hastings. But so Harold was at the top of the hill, and the Normans were at the bottom. DUNDUNDUN~ It’s hard to fight up a hill, so they started to retreat. BUT THEY WERE JUST PLAYING PRETEND :D
William tricked Harold, and Harold + army ran down the hill. So then Harold and his army were split. Then Harold was killed by an arrow in his eye. Elch :c But so from there it was “easy” I use quotes around “easy” Because wars are not easy, last I checked.
But so then around Christmas time William was crowned King of England.
Now Mom just told me to mash up this lesson and the lesson about the Feudal System, which I already took notes on in an entire different thing. So erm.
Ok so then there was the BARONS. They owned land that the king gave them. As long as they were loyal to the king, they had land. They gave little portions of their land called feifs to...
KNIGHTS. Knights gave little portions of their fiefs to the...
PEASANTS. BOW TO ME PEASANT! Psh. But so there were mostly Peasants. And they were the poorest. *le sob*
But so that is called the Feudal System. It pretty much maintained control over England. BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING.
But so then William (‘Member him?) Got some French doods to help out with ruling England. Then he took a census of EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. Chickens, sheep, and pigs. Oh, and people. But nobody cares about humans. But so this was to do a fair tax. And fair tax, well, is fair. That means people that were paying less had to pay more.
There were some good things about the French Fries and Census though! There were lots of castles because the Barons built them, along with monasteries and cathedrals. Cool, yah?
Let’s talk about castles.

Big castles. Impressive castles. REAL Castles.
Well, as you know (Hopefully) castles had rooms. What kind of rooms? Probably not kitchens. Those might have been outside, in the event of a fire. They had eating halls though. And sleeping areas. And DUNGEONS. Yay dungeon c:
And shall we converse about the king, sire?
Well, ol’ William the Conqueror gained some weight. A lot of weight. Before his death, we had a lot of trouble mounting his horse. He could barely fit into his coffin because he was so fat. Elch. That made his funeral difficult too. Especially when there was a little fire that started. And when that happened, well... They stuffed him into the coffin. He proceeded to EXPLODE. EWEWEWEWEW DDD:
But again, we have an anti-climatic ending! So I shall leave you with a memory of William:

(Note: Please scroll up and click the title :D BACK IN 1066~)

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