Ok so our lead roles today are Mr. P-to-da-ope Greg and Emperor Henry.
We got P-to-da-ope, whose original name is Hildebrand. TROLOLOL. Ok, but so he was also short. And fat. And pasty. And he stuttered. PIGGY!
But he was good with people. They liked him. Oh yeah, and he was a monk. Which means he was high up there. He was advisor of FIVE popes. And he was a Benedictine Monk.
Now the Benedictine Monks were uber strict. They couldn’t have their own land, they couldn’t leave their schoolchurchhouse (otherwise known as a monastery.) they couldn’t get letters, and the worst of all: EARLY BEDTIMES. No srsly. But they had visitors at their schoolchurchhouses, because there weren’t any Super 8 motels for the peasants of the Middle Ages. So I’ll betcha they put on some pretty cool parties. Oksonow you know what a Benedictine Monk is! Monk is... Monke is... MONKIES.
Ok but soon Hilde became Pope. YAY~ He changed his name. Imminently. I can’t really blame the guy though. But so he changed the name to Gregory.
Erm, no. But I’ll just roll with it.
Greg made some changes. He decided that priests can’t get married. D: He had good intentions, but there were some priests that were married. So the priests had to give up their wives, or give up priesthood. SO SAD D: Worse than that was the government getting all up in the church’s buzznazz. AND HERE ENTERS DRAMA LLAMA.
Ok but so the Holy Roman Emperor (Which mostly wasn’t Roman. Or Holy.) But so The government liked gettin’ all up in the church’s buzznazz, and Mr. P-to-da-ope didn’t like that. So he said that the government couldn’t hang out with them anymore, which means no picking out guys to be church positions. Aaannnd that didn’t go over to well. Dood stirred up a big ol’ pot ‘a stink. And in comes Henry IV.
And there were TONS of Henrys in the Middle Ages. There were EIGHT kings of England named Henry, the first being the son of William the Conqueror. ‘Member him? Of course you do. And the 8th was... Erm... Henry VIII. There were FOUR kings of France, and SEVEN German Kings! Dude! That’s like 100 Henrys! But so this Henry was German.
And he was crowned emperor when he was 6. HE WAS SIX. And so by 19 people liked him. Except Mr. P-to-da-ope. He thought that because he was king, he could pick out whoever he wanted to be a church leader. It was all ceremonial and stuff, and so they had a special stick and a ring and all that.
So do you guys remember Charly? Charlie? Charlemagne? Well his Daddeh Pepin asked Mr. P-to-da-ope to help him become king. And Mr. P-to-da-ope always was a churchy guy, he was never in all that government stuff. And then Mr. P-to-da-ope had some GOVERNMENT POWAH. And so Pepin made a little deal with Mr. P-to-da-ope, where Pepin gave him some land. A lot of land. As in mini-country land. And so after Pepin’s death, Charlie was crowned king of the Holy Roman Empire. And if you remember, it wasn’t very Holy. Or Roman. So here the church leader (Mr. P-to-da-ope) had power over the government. That wasn’t necessarily BAD, but it was kinda confusing.
And what’s that got to do anything? Well, centuries after Charlie here (about 300 years.) lines of authority between P-to-da-ope and the government got a little... well:
So the P-to-da-ope didn’t mind the church giving guidance to the government, but the other way around... Well, he wasn’t too hip on that. But it’s easy to see why he didn’t like that, because that means that the government could pick out whatever guys they wanted. And so in order to defend the Church, he decided to teach that they were right about EVERYTHING. And oh gurrrrl it was on. And so Mr. P-to-da-ope issued a LAW. WHUT. So he issued a law against the king and the staff FORBIDDING them to appoint church officials.
Ok so this made the king rully mad. He cussed up a storm and- OHWAIT! He called up a special meeting called “A Synod of Worms.” Synod is a fancy name for meeting, and Worms is a name of a city in Germany, so that actually has no point. But so Henry comes marching and goes OH GURL IT IS ON and tried to fire Mr. P-to-da-ope. And so our friend comes back:
And in the position of the king, what is the logical thing to do? WRITE AN ANGRY LETTER! So he did. So Henry called Greg by is birth name. Which was really funny, and really really dramatic.
And so Greg said “OH I CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.” And so he kicked Henry out of church. Which means the King fired the Pope, then the Pope fired the King.
“NO YOU’RE FIRED.”
And so forevermore there were fights like this between Mr. P-to-da-ope and the Kingeh.
And there is one more thing that happened between Henry and Greg. So Henry started loosing his popularity with the people when he was kick outta church. And so Henry, of all things, BEGGED FOR FORGIVENESS. YAY :D
And by begging, I mean he and his wife and his children tried to meet up with Greg in a castle. In the mountains. In the winter. And Henry was barefoot. And in peasant clothes. And he knocked on the doors of the castle. And so, Mr. P-to-da-ope, with the kindest, warmest heart of a monk...
LET HIM STAY IN THE SNOW FOR THREE DAYS.
But so then Henry was let in. Second he was inside, Henry bowed and kissed Greg’s feet and asked for forgiveness. Greg pardoned and forgave him.
THE END :D
BUT OH NO!
You see, back in Germany, remember how Greg kicked Henry outta church? Yeah. By the time that Greg and Henry were back, turns out that the Germans already had a new king. Named Rudolph.
Ok so Henry and Rudolph up there argued. And fought.
AND GREG SUPPORTED RUDOLPH.
So Henry was all mad again.
SO HE CALLED ANOTHER MEETING. AGAIN. AND HE TRIED TO FIRE GREG. AGAIN.
So Then Rudolph got killed.
When that happened, Henry took this as an advantage to make war on Rome. Not the Holy Roman Empire, Rome. And who lived in Rome? Mr. P-to-da-ope Greg. And so Henry ran south and attacked Rome. And so P-to-da-ope summoned his little friend William the Conqueror. Heh heh. But Will never came. So Greg got scared and went into hiding. And so Henry went and was all “I’M KING.”
And he got a new Pope.
And so for a time, Henry was recrowned and everything was nice.
For about a year.
Then Henry’s son kinda rebelled.
And while preparing for battle Henry died. And BEFORE HE DIED, GUESS WHAT?
POPE GREG CAME BACK.
And he kicked Henry back out of church. Again. TROLOLOL.
Which meant that he wasn’t allowed to have a Church burial. But the people said “Psh forget that.” and gave him a church burial anyways.
And as for Greg, he died while in exile. He was said to have died by stress and bad nerves. Because of Henry. And so neither one ever really won, and quarrels between church and state continued for many many years, but none were as interesting as these guys.