Monday, April 25, 2011


China is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to China.
If you get that, post in the comments. You will win a pan-galactic gargle blaster if you know what I referenced up there. If you know what a pan-galactic gargle blaster is, you’ll win one. But you probably wouldn’t want one if you knew what it was.
There was this one dood and he made it all better :D
His name was general Zhao Kuanguin. I have a game for you. Say this: “How long is a Chinese name.” Post answer in comments. YOU HAVE TO SAY IT OUT LOUD :D
He stole the throne from a 7 year old. Like takin’ candy from a baby :D
So this guy who I will now call Kanguin made a place called Kai Feng (Kai FUNG, not FENG) the capital. And there were a buncha restaurants. 24 hour restaurants. Now normally I would just say something like this because I can mislead you on history. I did not make this up. srsly go Google it. THEY HAD RESTAURANTS. TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY. AND They had markets. AND Theaters. AND they had festivals. Every. Week :D
Now NORMALLY When somebody asks you “Ok so if you had a time machine *cough* TARDIS *cough* when would you go to?” You don’t say “OHEHMGEE ANCIENT CHINA TOTALLY :D” But now you can. Because now I totally will. I MEAN, FESTIVALS EVERY WEEK MAN :D
So Kanguin’s birth is really interesting. He got his name, which is actually very literal, as a mixture of his parents. His father’s name was Zoo, and he was a Kangaroo. His mother was a Penguin named Hahaha. They were both from China, and the names were combined to make Zhao Kanguin. Makes perfect sense, yah :D
But so Confucius, whom I have nothing witty to say about, had his little religion going really hard right then. He was dead, but it went really big in this time. And Confucius’ golden rule was BE NICE. Doesn’t it sound a bit familiar? Yahhh :D
But so because people were nice everything went smooth. And they were real nice to the peasants. And the slaves weren’t treated too bad. Yayyy :D
And these guys had paper money OH YAH. Now this doesn’t sound so cool to us. But the Europeans didn’t have any paper money. Good job Europeans. Good job. And guess how they carried the coins? The Chinese made necklaces. Kinda like candy necklaces. OH MAYBE THAT’S HOW RAPPERS GOT THE IDEA :D

And thisss:

Ok, so yeah :D
And there was the movable print. Instead of thisss:

“Careful, careful, CAREFUL! Ok, there’s that letter. Ok, let's paint another one. Careful... careful... CAREFUL! Ok, cool. That one’s good, I guess. Careful... careful... CAREF- AWW REALLY WHAT I WAS ALMOST DONE LOOK STUPID GRAVITY I HATE YOU GOSH WHY DID YOU RUIN IT LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE RAHRAHRAHRAHHH DDDD:<<<<” You could just use a little stamp thing. Yeah, I’ll take the stamp. This invention was really really important :D And they invented compasses. Like, the kind that points around, not the circle-y kind :D And there was art. So much purdy purdy art! The folding Chinese lady fans, and all that pretty stuff :D But there was something really really nasty. They did something called “foot binding.” They thought girls were prettier if they had bitty feet. So they made their feet smaller by wrapping them. In rope. Eeew DDD: But now, I part you, WITH THIS :D

A girl worth fighting for does not have bitty feet.

1 comment:

  1. bitty feet, well I sure did not come from China. I have big feet and that is ok with me.