Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Test Shall be Given With No Mercy.

The Ninja Turtle. The Artist. The... The...
Yeah. That’s it. He’s only a Ninja Turtle and an artist.
Except for this guy:

Well, technically, they have different last names. BUT SAME DIFFERENCE.
So Leo has a pretty sad story. His mother and father weren’t married, his mother was dirt poor, his father was filthy rich, and Leo was living with his mother. However, she couldn’t really care for him, so she gave him to his father, who tossed the kid to his parents, who then tossed him to his father’s brother.
So despite that, Leo was charming and attractive in every way.
I’m gonna put this guy through the litmus test. I’ll post the results in the updates box over thurr.
But wait!
Not only was he charming and attractive, but the guy was a GENIUS. In school he excelled in math and music. He was also good at drawing. (no duh.)
So His father threw him to Florence. You guys know Florennnce. Big city. Fun city. In the middle of the Renaissance. Leo became an apprentice to a Goldsmith, Painter, and Sculptor, named Andrea del Verrocchio. We’ll call him Andy.
Now remember back to medieval times! Apprentices weren’t really paid in a "HURRS UR MONEY.", but they did get paid with "HURRS YOUR EVERYTHING THAT KEEPS YOU ALIVE."
So when he was about 18, he was asked to paint one of the two angels in the baptism of Christ. The guy thought it was so beautiful, so mystifying, so perfect, that his Master said that he would never paint again.

So Leo decided to paint something very... uh... wrong. He decided to break the rules of perspective, by drawing really really big horses and stairs that lead to nowhere.
I’m not going to put it here, because it will break. Your. Mind.
He was using “variety,” he said.
He didn’t really finish a lot of things, because he would be too prefectionist to let anyone see it, or he’d get distracted and go paint something else.
Also! This guy loved notebooks. He loved seven thousand pages of them. He loved seven thousand pages of them backwards.
Yep. He took noted from left to right. Backwards. He drew his pictures the right way, but notes? Backwards.
What did he write about? Weapons, geometry, ~fabulous~ Machines, Anatomy, the movement of water, Cameras (yes) bicycles (yes), UFOs (yes), and Helicopters (yes).
Leo also had the idea of Cars, tanks, and two-tiered cities. As in, like, yoou know. A city. With two teirs.
He was also a fan of dissection. As in, getting dead bodies and looking inside and drawing said inside.
The Church frowned upon this.

You know what I said about that Mary Sue thing?
He also designed carnivals and stuff while he was designing fashion for the duke of Milan.
However, he started some really really big projects. Most of which he didn’t finish. One of his more famous was a big horse. A big. bronze. Horse. He was unable to finish said horse, but he did get the clay model done. However, the big horse was destroyed when some guys came in and needed some target practice. And to them, the best thing for them was a big 22 foot tall horse.
One of his most famous works, though, was ruined by his own experiments. It began to erode before it was done. Why? Because he had experimented with paint that didn’t dry as quickly. Despite the near total lost of “The Last Supper” it’s still one of his most famous works.
So in 1499, he left the duke of Milan. He went out and he waited until Ol' Rola died to go back to Florence. I don’t think Rola and he woulda gotten along, you know?
And that is where he started the Mona Lisa.
The Mona Lisa has so much that everyone loved. The lighting, the smoky look around the edges, the mysteriousness, the lack of eyebrows the variety in the background. Most people think that Mona Lisa was a real person. Something odd is that he kept the picture for over 3 years to finish it, and he kept it for himself for who knows how long. He had to hire clowns and jesters to keep the lady smiling. What smile?

I think she looks kinda like that. But on the Mona Lisa.
So eventually, it fell in to the hands of Napoleon even though Leo kept the picture with him at all times. Even while he slept. Yes. He slept with the picture.
That's not creepy at all.
Michael Angelo.
They were both hired to make a fresco for the city hall.
They were at it. They both worked in separate studios, trying to outdo each other.
After working on the sketch for a year and a half, the humidity was so high in the air that the painting disintegrated before his eyes.
But Michael never finished his either so it was a tie and there was no fresco for anyone.

So in his last few years, Leonardo went to Rome and helped bedazzle dah Church of Saint Peter. That also had to wait until Rola died. Even in Rome, he kept making stuff. He made a robot lizard. Yes.
A Robot Lizard.
With Flapping wings powered with quicksilver.
So then he moved to France because he was offered a life of a prince. That was a pretty nice offer, so he was hired as a painter, an engineer, an architect, and a mechanic. He settled in a little castle, and he died in said little castle at the age of 67.
So yeah.
the end.

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