A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AW-
Ok, so, this was just a long time ago.
A LONG TIME AGO, JAKE GYLLENHAAL WAS-
Ok, so, this was a long time ago. Before Jake Gyllenhaal.
A LONG TIME AGO, THERE WAS PERSIA.
After the days of Noah, there was a little paradise over near Mesopotamia which was all nice and stuff until the Persians got all up in thurr and was lyke “U MAD BRO?”
So they decided to be all original and rename the place “Persia”.
So y’all know Esther and Alexander the Great and Jake Gyllenhaal? Yeah. They were all from Persia. Except not all at the same time. BUT STILL.
So Persia has a really long history that we’re gonna stop right now because it’s complicated. Like bratty 12 year old girl Facebook relationships.
So we’re just gonna talk about two main peeps today. One was named Shiites. ... I’m gonna resist a joke there because if I don’t I will get my computer taken away for a long long time.
The others were called Sunnis.
But so stuff is still going on. Like, 38 minutes ago, there was a buncha Shiites trollin around and then some Sunnies came in and were like "NO." and then the Shiites were all "ASDFGHHJKL GET OUT." and the Sunnies were all "nope." and so they were killed.
BUT BACK TO BUSINESS.
So these weren’t exactly countries. These were divisions of Islam. After Mo’ (looong time since we talked about him specifically.) died, he wasn’t exactly a zombie to answer questions about Islam. Even though there WERE some mummiezombiemuslims, Mo’ was unable to make it to the deathday party. So there was some debate as to who should be the next Muslim leader. Some people thought that Abu should be the next leader. I don’t know who thought it would be a good idea to make a monkey a Caliph (which is the leader.) So the other people thought that it should be A guy named Ali. And whoever thought it would be a good idea to put Aladdin in disguise on the Caliph’s position is the Elephant that was actually Abu that Aladdin rode in that one scene.
So if you guys need a visual:
Now that song will be stuck in my head all day. PRINCE ALIIII, FABULOUS HEEE, ALI ABABWAAAA~!
But so the two groups decided to just split up and be two different groups of Islam. It still spread though. LIKE BUTTER ON TOAST. LIKE A WILDFIRE. LIKE THE CHEESE TOUCH. LIKE... LIKE... SOMETHING ELSE THAT SPREADS.
So Islam spread in to Persia. It got all nice and reunited, and the Shiites ruled.
So the rules were canned Imans. Imans were a weird mix between Ipods and Walkmen that hipsters use so they look like cool hipster-thrift-store-vintage-hurr-durr.
What was that?
Nevermind. I spelled it wrong. It’s Imam.
So the first twelve Imams were considered to have supernatural powers and everyone thought they were without sins. Hurrdurr FAIL.
There was a guy named Ismail. He grew up learning about alla (no pun.) this stuff, but he didn’t want to grow up to be an Imam or a leader of a religious order or none’uh that jayazz. HE WANTED TO BE AN EMPEROR OF A GREAT EMPIRE. BAMBAMBAMBAA~! So he became a “Shah.”
This was a biiiig move. It changed Persia.... FOREVER! BAMBAMBAAAAM! (note: This is different from the “BAMBAMBAMBAA!”. The first is suspense music. The later is good happy trumpets.)
Ismail had created a new kind of government. He had a Theocracy, which is a government based on religion. And to this day, Persia (Now Iran, mind you.) is STILL the only country in the world based on the Shiite faith.
So the country was changed, but it was not exactly a fun time. There were still a bunch of Sunnits in the place, so they were forced to convert or die. Ismail hired a lot of people to do his dirty work for him, so they went out and killed a bunch of Sunnits and expanded the empire. Ismail made Tabriez the capital of Persia, and all was... uhm... pretty bad, actually.
AND THEN THE OTTOMAN TURKS WERE OVER HURR AND ISMAIL CAPTURED THEIR CITY BAGHDAD AND WUZ ALL “U MAD BRO?”
So Ismail made a big name for himself with that buzznezz wif dah Turks and Baghdad.
But eventually Ismail, you know, died. His possible heirs weren’t exactly capable of ruling though. One switched his loyalty to the sunnies, one was too young to rule, one was blind, and one was insane.
So yeah. No good candidates here.
The Ottomans took back their city, and the empire shrunk.
AND THEN CAME A GOOD LEADER.
His name was Abbas, and he was a good ruler. In fact, he was a great ruler. In fact, his name was Abbas the Great. Hurrdurr.
He thought it would be a good idea to move the capital city AGAIN, so he moved it to Isfahan. It was in the middle of the Empire, and he covered it in art and pretty and rugs and tapestries and pretty shtuff. He opened trade with the English, selling them said rugs and tapestries, both of which are still popular today.
AND THEN ABBAS TOOK BAGHDAD BACK.
He pushed the borders back to where they were with Ismail.
But he had one tiny flaw.
Abbas was Senior Psycho, and he had one son killed, one son sent off to be raised somewhere else, and one son blinded. All in fear of one of them overthrowing him to take the throne, as he did his father!
BAM DAM DAAAAA.