Thursday, November 17, 2011


So there’s this dood. He was born in Italy, noble family, all that jayazz. Cool beans. Lived a good life.
Well erm sorta no not really.
This guy, Savonarola, read a lot when he was a kid. He attended a university, but he was kinda in culture-shock mode over there. So he decided to leave said university. He decided to live with his family instead of attent school.
And if you remember, Italy was going humanitarian. But Rola ovah hurr was still a strong Christian. He decided he’d straighten out his friends, his countrymen, and the Church.


So Rola joined the Dominican Friars. He asked for the tiniest, most humble little itty bitty grimmy dirty ugly horrible job they had. So he was a cook and a cleaner.
They transferred Rola to Florence to preach because he was really really Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. So Rola was too good for the peeps. He was preachin’ wayy over their head’s. And his voice was kinda shrill, so it was annoying to listen to. Derp. So the people pretty much kicked dood outta Florence.
And that pretty much made his self-esteem drop reeeul low.
Ok. Sorry.
Soo after a few years, Rola decided to go back to Florence. He was better this time, and his preachin’ was AMAZING. His followers were nicknamed The Weepers because they cried so much. And what did he preach, exactly? He just preached the Gospel. And everyone loved it.
Rola pretty much was awesome. He had some kinda weird beliefs though. Some stuff was good though. He didn’t think gambling was good, inappropriate art, no cursing, no pagan books, no excessive jewelry, no immodest clothin, etc. etc. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, NO CARNIVALS OR ACROBATIC EVENTS.
I don’t get that last bit.
It was good though. Rich businessmen were getting rid of their money they got from cheating, bonfires were held to burn stuff like mirrorrrrs and makeuppp and jewelryyy and pagan boooks and a lot of stuff like that.
But there were the extremists.
There were these people that called themselves “THE BANDS OF HOPE”. The morality police. They’d come in to people’s houses, looking fo bad stuffz that they could burn. People started spying on each other, making sure that nobody was gambling or anything. So the situation got really bad.
But wait~!
Imagine the backlash of the people who weren’t too hip with Rola.
So you know Lorenzo de’Medici? Yeah. He liked Carnivals. And Books. And Paintings. So being the genius Lorenzo was, he decided to try to bribe Rola with gold.
So Lorenzo died. And then his son took over. And his son was overthrown. So Rola was plastered up on the throne.
Now Rola was a pretty good leader. He took his position seriously. He employed good people, and had a good vision for Florence in general.
Unfortunately, Rola’s vision didn’t really go too well. He wanted to establish the kingdom of God in Florence.
So that didn’t go too well. He wanted a Christian Utopia. EVen though he had good intentions, they weren’t, technically, Biblical.
Rola’s greatest threat was... HIMSELF!
Well actually that’s a lie.
His greatest threat was Mr. P-to-da-ope. You see, Pope Alexander VI was really really immoral. Even though he never married, he had five children. He supported murder to get the things he wanted. So when Rola started to preach to Mr. P-to-da-ope, things didn’t go too well. He said, and I quote: “O PROSTITUTE CHURCH, THOU HAST DISPLAYED THY FOULNESS TO THE WHOLE WORLD, AND THY STINKEST TO HEAVEN.”
So he pretty much said, “Hey. Hey. Y’all stink. Take a shower plz kthxbai”
So Mr. P-to-da-ope was pretty mad. He wasn’t too fond of Rola callin’ the church a stinky prostitute.
And then Rola came back and had everyone burn a LOT of stuff. So Alex over hurr bribed Rola to quiet. Down. So Mr. P-to-da-ope offered him a big position in the church, but Rola turned him down.
So then he got himself excommunicated. And then people started to wonderrr... “Heyy. Why would they excommunicate a man of God? What if he isn’t? OH NO. OH NO. OH NO. WE GOTTA GET RID OF THIS GUY.”
And Rola runs for the hills.
The Franciscans decided to test Rola. They wanted to do this by SETTING HIM ON FIRE. Oh, oh, but it wasn’t THAT bad, because they’d set one of their monks on fire too! And the most righteous man would be saved my God.
Except he called for a stand in. So his good buddy whoever decided to TAKE ON THE CHALLENGE.
This made him look more like a coward and his followers were like wat.
So there was a debate if there really should be the trial by fire. IT was kinda pointless since Rola wasn’t even being set on fire. And then it started raining and they called the whole thing off. The crowd got in quite a ruckus, but they went home because they were getting wet.
You know who else was in a ruckus? Mr. P-to-da-ope. He was mad. And so the logical thing to do here is arrest Rola. Now that really /was/ a logical move. I mean, yeah. I don’t know. Pope: 1. Everyone else: a bajillion.
So Rola was put through court. Admit heresy, or torture. He chose torture.
At 45, Rola withstood the torture.
So Rola and his friends were dragged to a town square. He and his friends were stripped publicly, stoned, hung, strangled, burned, and then they threw their ashes in a river. In that order.

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