Monday, June 13, 2011


Do you ‘muhmember ol’ Elanor of Aquitaine? Of course you do! Richard the Lionhearted was the favorite son of Elanor, and he was rull nice. He was even nice to his arch-enemy, Saladin.
So who was Saladin? Well, you MUST remember the crusades.

They were for gettin’ back the Holy Land from the Muslims and all that. Well, Saladin was a Muslim. He wasn’t just A Muslim, he was the sultan of Egypt. He started out small and stuff, but then he worked his way up the latter and then he was Sultan. So he now ruled over Egypt, but guess what? HE WANTED MOAR. Déjà vu. Saladin decided to go after Jerusalem, and he conquered it.
And ohhh guuurrrlll it was on.

He took down a golden cross on a church and made it a mosque. Oooh they didn’t like that.
So now we’re in the 3rd crusades!
In enters Richard the Lionhearted. Richard decided to go in and fight the 3rd crusade, but he didn’t know that Saladin was just as chivalrous as he was. He was really nice to his prisoners, and he gave people a chance to surrender before he tried to take Jerusalem. But hey didn’t so he went in and took the city.
What about the leaders of the 3rd crusades? There were... erm... 3. Three main leaders, each kings, went out together. However, one of them, being SIXTY-SEVEN, drowned. So Richard the Lionhearted and Philip, King of France, marched out. But then Philip had to go back to France because he got a boo-boo. So we started with three, but we quickly went down to one. Dundundun~
So Richard said to Saladin, “HERE TAKE MY SISTER.”
But the church didn’t like that (no dur) so the marriage was a no-go.
So Saladin said, “A’ight, all you Christians keep your lands and I’ll give you half’a Jerusalem. And I’ll throw in Park Placeee~”
So like every deal like every deal in Monopoly, Richard said, “OH YEAHHH!” And then he saw that Saladin all the light blues and he said, “Uhwaitwaitwait I want Boardwalk too.”
And Sal said “No.”
So Richard decided to attack this city called Jaffa in 1192. And he was sooo excited he ran outta the ship and waves his axe all over the place. They were outnumbered a lot, but they got pumped up because of Richard. So they ran out and followed Richard, but Saladin saw him out of his window.
He summoned a servant, because he saw that Richard was running around on foot. So what does he do?
He sends Richard a horse.

Well Richard rides his new horse right in front of the Muslims to show off.
And then he sent Sal some Falcons.

Oh gosh. Mom just said it’s getting weirder.
The next day, Richard got sick. Richard called for fruit and water, and a bed to sleep in. So who comes to his aid?
Saladin comes with... uhh... pears... water, snow, and his own personal doctor.
Last I checked, rivals aren’t supposed to act like that.
It became apparent that neither really wanted to win, because they didn’t want the other to loose. So they signed a three year peace treaty in Jaffa, which was pretty fair. The Christians could keep some of their cities on the coast, and could visit Jerusalem, but it’d be ruled by the Muslims.
Richard said after he signed the treaty, he said, “Hey man, you know after the treaty is over... you’re toast.”
And Saladin said, “Yeah. Figured.”
But Saladin was never able to win (or loose, technically speaking) because he died a year later. Richard died two years later, due to being shot by a crossbow.

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