So this girl was kinda like me. YAY. She was smart and beautiful and fiestehhh~
And she was a princess. And the Queen of France. And Queen of England. WE’RE TWINS.
So her daddy died when she was little :c /lesob. But she inherited a piece of France her daddeh ruled called Aquitaine. I have no witty name for it. But she was subject to an arranged marriage for politics. /lesob. She was married to Louis the 7th. Someone ran out of names.
But she lived in Paris. Which she didn’t like.
But she lived with Louis. Who she didn’t like.
How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways!
1) He’s meek. GIRL WANTS ACTION.
2) He thinks all women are evil. GIRL WANTS ROMANCE.
3) He wanted to be a monk. GIRL WANTS BRAVERY.
4) He never wanted to get married. GIRL WANTS ROMANCE.
5) He hates women in general. GIRL WANTS ROMANCE.
But so due to 1 and 3, he decided to try to win his fair lady’s heart over by joining a crusade. But 2, 4, and 5 were totally ignored.
Remember the crusades? More importantly, remember the SECOND cusades? The ones that were really bad? Yeah. Guess which one he joined.
But it was also partially Elanor the Queen’s fault. She viewed the crusades as a getaway from France, a parade, a vacation. So what did she do? She packed all her finest clothes. And accessories. And all her little doo-dads that weren’t necessary at all. So the knights had a hard enough time GETTING to the crusades, but now they had all of Elanor’s junk.
But they took a little stop at Constantinople, the capital of the Byzantine Empire, which was run by the Queen’s uncle. She thought he was the PERFECT prince, being big, strong, brave, romantic, etc. etc. So she was kinda “TAKE COOL LESSONS FROM THIS GUY.” to Louis.
But that annoyed him, so he had her arrested.
So she was sent off to France on a boat, and the sea conditions nearly killed her. Good job genius.
But all in all, the French didn’t like her. And she didn’t like them.
And eventually, Elanor got a divorce. She told the archbishop they were really 4th cousins, and so he declared their marriage null and void. So she hopped back to Aquitaine, and lived there for the rest of her life.
While she was going back, she was nearly kidnapped TWICE.
So she realized she needed to get married again. So she married William the Conqueror's grandson, Henry II. He became the king of England after they married, which meant she was Queen of England. So her new home was in London, and she liked it.
They had kids and they went on lotsa vacations, and they had a court system for trials and stuff. She had lotsa minstrels, and decorators, and some good stuff :3
But then something went bad.
The Archbishop made Henry mad, so he killed him.
Yep, that’s pretty much what happened.
That haunted him for the rest of his life, because they were best fraaaands back when they were kiddies.
So then Henry started to cheat on Elanor. /lesob :c She was like the Queen of Love and Chivalry and stuff, and she got cheated on.
So she planned REVENGE~
So she decided to try to have their sons turn against him. And he knew it. He had some choices to make.
NUMBAAAAH ONE: Divorce her.
NUMBAAAAH DOS: Kill her.
NUMBAAAAH FREE: Send her off to a nunnery.
So what’d he do? He locked her in a castle, of course! Kept her under guard, and she was let out on special occasions and Christmas.
Oh you think that’s funny. I’m serious.
But so she decided to keep planning and scheming for 15 years in that castle. So Henry died, and Elanor was set free at the young age of 67.
Well you’d think she’d retire to a free and quiet life to study and stuff. BUT NO!
So her son took over the throne. But that’s another story. So he went off on a crusade, and he left England in Elanor’s hands. She ruled England and people LOVED her. She went all over England to find a wifeh, while watching John very closely so that he’d not try to get the throne.
And then Richard got captured by the Germans. So she paid the ransom and he was set free. SO SWEET~
So it was all sweet and they were hugging, but Richard was shot with a crossbow while he was in her arms.
But John took over, and England was doing pretty well.
But oh, it’s not over yet!
She was captured by her own grandson, and was held for a rully big ransom. So John decided to prove himself worthy by rescuing her.
AND SO FINALLY.
At the age of 82, ol’ Elanor decided to settle down.
Ah, revenge is sweet.
Ah, revenge is a dish best served cold. Does this mean revenge is ice cream? Of course it does. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to get myself a bowl of revenge.