YOU GUYS RUN.
RUN AWAY. SERIOUSLY. RUN.
She was the daughter of Henry VIII’s FIRST wife, and when she was about 8 Herny was like “If I WANT a new wife, I’ll HAVE one. All I have to do is start up a whole new Church its’ no big deal guiz.”
So Mary got to take a vacation! Kinda! To Spain! Yay! And Mary even got to take part in the Spanish Inquisition!
She was pretty much raised by her Grandparents FERDINAND AND ISABELLA. That means she got to be a Catholic and got to watch all the Inquisition-ness!
Fast forward to the end of Henry’s reign. His will said this Ed reigned first, THEN Mary. (Then Elizabeth but shes not important.
So Edward VI was King. He was protestant, but Mary was Catholic. And Ed had done a LOT to promote protestant shtuff. So he was being dead at 15, and while he was dying he was talked into going against Henry’s will and choose this protestant chick they found to be the next queen.
Her name was Lady Jane Grey. And apparently, he thought this was a good idea. But she didn’t really want to be queen. But she agreed to the plan, and eventually Mary heard about all this shtuff.
So lets go back to child hood!
Mary was never allowed contact with her mother. Henry was a big giant control freak about that. But so Henry wanted Mary to sign some papers about her being an illegitimate child, but she was lyk
oh man oh gosh oh man oh gosh if i do it then i’m an illegitimate child and i could die but if i dont then i’m messin with the king of england here oh man oh gosh oh man oh gosh.
But so she signed the papers. Which means she was an illegitimate child. Which means all the people were like “ILLEGITIMATE CHILD” and she was like D:
Mary also fought really bad headaches and was always weak because bloodletting. She also was locked in her room whenever her sister Elizabeth came over. And she wasn’t allowed to go to Mass, so they let her do it in her room instead. But soon they took that away from her.
BACK TO LADY JANE GREY.
So she claimed the throne and was lyk “I’M QUEEN LULZ” then Mary was like “Ha ha no I’M THE QUEEN.”
England decided Mary should be queen, and so she was. This was really big, because England had been ruled by a single queen once before. But that was it.
But Mary was actually pretty cool. She lowered taxes and was nice to the poor and she improved to budged and she was actually a very nice, pleasant woman.
THEN SHE WANTED TO GET MARRIED.
To the king of Spain! Now, he was 11 years younger than Mary, but still. Then the rest of England was like DO NOT WANT. And Philip, her new husband, was everything Mary wanted. Young, Handsome, Spanish, Catholic, and Spanish. And Mary LOVED him.
He didn’t really love her. He only stayed in England about a year after they married. Mary THOUGHT when he left that she was preggers, but that wasn’t right and she was sad because she haz no bby.
So Mary went into rage mode and kicked the protestant bishops out and replaced them with Catholic ones. She freed two of the Catholic bishops that were locked up, and put some Protestants in jail.
These bishops (The Catholic ones.) were Mary’s new advisers because Philip was busy being Spanish. Well what did they advise?
ARREST ALL THE PEOPLE!
So Mary pretty much cleared out anyone who threatened her reign.
And she also killed some people!
There aren’t ANY ruths up in hur.
So one of her main advisor doods backed out of it because he wasn’t really into that line of buzznuzz.
And the whole bloody-scary-burny buzznuzz wasn’t really handled a whole lot by Mary. She allowed it, and she could have stopped it, but she was like “HA! I’M QUEEN!” and didn’t.
And the English HATED HER.
But so Philip came back and was like “Yo Mary START A WAR AGAINST FRANCE.”
And Mary was lyk “y.”
And then Philip was lyk “BECAUSE IT’S FRANCE.”
Then then Mary was lik “O ok let’s have a baby.”
Then Philip was like “wat”
Then Mary like like “WAR. and then bby.”
And Philip was like O_o
They had the war, and lost their last city is France. Nice job guys!
By this time, Mary was pretty much INSANE. She liked to roll around on the floor and walk through the palace being all emo. And then she got real sick and called for Elizabeth.
Mary knew that Elizabeth was the next in line, and that Mary was a REALLY STRONG PROTESTANT.
And Mary didn’t want her work to be undone.
WELL GEE THIS SOUNDS KINDA FAMILIAR.
She basically said “Elizabeth ur allwd 2 mess with my Catholic shtuff here’s the crown.”
And Elizabeth was like “LOL K”