Thursday, March 1, 2012

Just Skip This One Because It's Really Stupid But I Have To Put It Up Anyway This Title Is Riciculously Long And I Can't Spell That Word And I Don't Care And You're Not Supposed To Capitalize The Word And Or The Or But Or Or But Just DEAL WITH ITTTTT.

So I can’t think of a better way to open this up than to say we’re gonna talk about some ladies today.

THIS LADY. Her name is Isabella De’ste. She was smart. She was pretty. She was modest. She was gracious. She was fun-loving. Everyone loved her. She married an Italian Duke to be an Italian Dutchess.


But she was gettin all too much into prettiness and she got some artist people that were all over the place to sculpt her and paint her. But she wasn’t really satisfied until Titian painter her looked about 40 years younger than she really was. Hurpderpdurp.

NEXT LADY. Lucretia Borgia. She waz bein’ da Mr. P-to-da-opes Duaghter and guuuuurl she be da Cesare’s sistahhh. She be gettin all duh shtuff and she waz be havin tew Baby daddehs but day waz bot dey both got ded by her bro. An she didn let no teechahs teech her bayybayys she teeched uhm hershelf. And guuuurl she was thuh pruttiest gurl in tuh hizhouse and she be all up in thuh poetry buzznuzz and she all up in da artzz bein all sponserin and guuurl she went to Church evvry Sunday. An she got deed like her two babydaddehs when she had her seventh an everyone was all sad when she got all up wif her other babbydaddehs in the hevven. An when dey saw her dey was all “LOOCREESHUHHH~!”

ANOTHER LADY~! You guys remember the nice old woman that befriended Michelangelo? This is that lady! And, you see, her husband wasn’t a very nice man. He was always away on wars and with other people, but she still loved and honoured him. After he died, she did not remarry. And she was pretty much all artsy and poetry.

THIRD LADY. This chick was born in 1492. Ring a bell? IT SHOULD. Her name was Margaret. She was French (Honhonhon~) but she became the queen on Navarre. Which was between Spain and France. She was realy smart and all nice and stuff. She hung out with the scholars and she wrote and stuff. She wrote, but most of it was Romance which most people frowned upon. And she was very tolerant. She supported the Humanists, the Catholics, AND the Reformers. Which was odd. And also frowned upon.

THEN THIS LADY. Lady Reformer. But also a nun. She wanted to take the nuns back to their roots, because they had been partayin it up with the monks. So she opened up a convent in Spain! IT was named the shoeless convent, because she wanted them all to live in poverty. And she was really strict with that poverty buzznuzz. Even the inquisition was like “Are you sureee?”

FIFTH LADY. Her name was Anne Askew. Oh, poor girl. “ASKEW YOU!” But anyways. This lady was really into the Reformation. She was a follower of Martin Luther, but her daddy made her marry a Catholic. The marriage failed (duh) and she became a preacher in London! Which is weird. But whatever. While she was in London, she became friends with the last wife of Henry VIII. Anyways, Anne was arrested many times for handing out Protestant literature. She was also tortured to give the name of other protestants. She did not say a word, though. Well, except for the general cries of pain, but not any names. She was burned at the stake, and was unable to walk to her own execution or stand for it due to being stretched too hard on the Rack. Well, that’s lovely.

LIGHTER HISTORY LADY. Sofonisba. SOPHA NIS-BAH. She was a famous portrait artist, and there were only about 40 ladeees who succeeded at it. And Sofonisba was probably the most famous. She was hired by the Duke of Spain, and then the Queen and King of Spain. She was married to a Ship’s Captain, and she painted self portraits and she was really pretty.


Th-that’s it.

The... end?

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