AND IT WAS HALLOWEEN.
But people were going about their buzznuzz, But there was /extra/ excitement in the air.
BECAUSE IT WAS HALLOWEEN.
So the next day, November 1st, was All Saints Day. Which was about all saints.
So on this All Saints Day, there was going to be sumthin speeshull. A bunch of Holy Relics were going to be on display for the public to see. So as townspeople come up together, nobody really noticed ol’ Martin Luther go and stick a document up on the door of the church.
So what was on it?
95 THESIS POINTS.
Which means it had a buncha words.
And it has been remembered as the 95 Theses. I don’t know why it’s spelled different. But it is.
BUT WHAT WERE THESE WORDS ABOUT?
They were inviting the big fishies of the church to a debate. But it was written in Latin so the common peeps could not read it and it could only been read by the big fishies.
But this isn’t as weird as it is today. Doors were kinda like community bulletin boards.
I WANT MY DOOR TO BE A COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD 3:
So what was the debate about?
So they all went and shared their cake recipies and-
So these little pieces of paper. Muhmember them? OF COURSE YOU DO. If you don’t go google it or go find the post where I talk about them.
These had been given out for well over 300 years at the time of MARTIN LUTHER.
So Mr. P-to-da-ope Leo X was in the position. WE’LL CALL HIM X.
Because people with one letter names are cool.
Right now I can only come up with M, K, and L, but you know. Nobody knows who those people are. (except for maybe L and if you know who he is you get a big giant cookie.)
SO X WAS WORKING ON BUILDING ST. PETER’S CATHEDRAL AT ROME.
During this time, he kinda slaked off on his popey duties.
His Papal Business. (That’s better.)
SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING SPECTACULAR?
You hire people!
SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HIRE PEOPLE?
You pay them!
SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PAY THEM?
You run out of money!
So X was pretty much out of money.
SO HE STARTED REALLY SELLING THOSE INDULGENCESSS!
So this guy named Johann Tetzel was hired. To offer indulgences, and future indulgences! Which means you can pay now and sin later! Awesome, right? No. Yeah. But Still, he offered those. Meaning, he went around and up to people saying, “I CAN HELP YEWW.” Like those annoying mall people. You don’t go up and look at their little carts, they’re like “MAH HURR SHTUFF YAH YU BUY HURR SHTUFF YOU PRETTY HURR LET ME DO HURR SHO JOO CHAN BYY HURR SHTUFF. IN THE SALT SEA FROM SNAKES AND SALT DEAD STUFF SEA SHTUUFFF BUY PLEEESHHHEEE?”
Except he waz lyke
“MAH INDULGUNCHHH. I CHAN HEELP JOO. INDULGUNCHHH SHAVEE JOO. YAH YU BYY INDULGUNCHHHH PLEEESHHEEE?”
Or like a timeshare place thing. But I’ve never done or been to or whatever a timeshare thingy, so whatever. BUT APPARENTLY IT WAS JUST LIKE THAT :|
So he had this big giant ceremony with this big elaborate speech. He put the little indulgence on a velvet pillow. He had a little jingle. He had a big speech and he tried to convince everyone to buy an indulgence.
And a LOT of people did.
So what’d he do with the money from his indulgences?
Uno: He helped build up St. Peter’s Cathedral.
And numbah two: He payed the depts of another Bishop.
He pretty much abused the system. Really bad. He conned common peeps into getting indulgences because they had no clue what they were. He pretty much coned everyone into getting them, actually.
And yes, people do agree that tinsel boy over here was a con artist and a jerk.
So What does Martin have to do with this?
He was a part of the system that was being abused, and apart of the system that was abusing.
Now he was not the first to go “waitwut.” Plenty of people before him were flippin’ out about the Church selling eternal life on a velvet pillow. Literally.
But Martin was pretty much the first person to get around to doing anything about it.
So in 1517 (OH LOOK IT’S A DATE.) he wasn’t really trying to start a revolt/riot/Occupy Wall Street.
SO WHAT WAS HE EVEN DOING?
I’ll tell you after this big history we’re gonna go in!
So he was raised in a strict family. He was gonna be a lawyer, but THERE WAS A THUNDERSTORM.
SO HE WAS AN EMONK.
Quiet. Didn’t eat. Emo corner.
HE WAS TOTALLY AN EMONK.
So he was all sad panda.
AND HE RAN AWAY.
But he went to Rome and pilgramaged.
BUT HE WAS STILL SAD PANDA EMONK.
Other monks suggested Martin READ THE BIBLE A LITTLE MORE CAREFULLY. So he did. He went into conversion mode.
He gave lectures on theology, and he was a cool person.
So this is why he was all “Waitwutindulgences.”
SO HE DID SOMETHING ABOUT THESE GOSH INDULGENCES.
And it shturred up a big ol’ pot’uh stank.
It opened a big ol’ can’uh whorms.
IT WAS BAD.