So this guy. Suleiman. His name is hard to spell. He is now named Sue, because his name is pronounced Sue-Lee-Man. Sueleeman. And he was a Sunni. No pun there.
And while the Renaissance and the reformation, Sue decided he’d take over the world. Or at least the Ottoman Empire. So you guys remember Istanbul was Constantinople? Yeah. It was the capital of the Ottoman Empire. And Sue was having a pretty nice time ruling the world, because his daddy left him a whole lotta everything. But like a good ruler, he was a greedy jerkface. That means he wanted more.
Now he had Greece. He had a little bit of Russia, and the Black Sea area, and the Bibley bits, and Turkey, and Egypt etc. etc. So like he had Oriental Avenue, St. James Place, Pennsylvania Avenue, and Boardwalk.
And suddenly Diet of Wyrms. All those people were all OHNOREFORMATIONS! So all of their cities were Sue’s for the takin’. So he took ‘em.
Sue was paying attention to the Mediterranean Sea. Whoever had the Ducky Sea (because it looks like a duck.) had control of the trade between Europe, Africa, and Asia. Sue decided he’d go after Rhodes, which was an island in the Ducky Sea. And Rhodes was the last Christian stronghold in the sea.
This doesn’t mean Sue wanted to kill all Christians. This means he wanted Rhodes because it was an amazing location. And the Knights living on the island were being pirates, and were just annoying.
So after Sue beat them in a long battle, he felt kinda bad. The Knights surrendered, and he allowed them to go with safety. He also showered the Grand Master with gifts and stuff. So he seems like a pretty good guy.
Sue kept on pushing. Why? Because France was all “PLZATTACKSOUTHEUROPEPLZ.” And Francis, the King of France, was an enemy of Holy Roman Empire, because Spain was given the crown to Holy Roman Empire, and France sat back and pouted like a little boy. So he and HRE (it’s cumbersome to type Holy Roman Empire.) fought a lot.
Now Francis got in a bit of trouble with HRE. He called on Sue, and was like “PLZHELPMEPLZ.” and Sue was like “I’MONMYWAYPLZ.”
So he was on his way. He was planning on attacking Hungary anyways, so he just plowed on through her and went on. She probably could have not been thrown down, but everyone was fussin’ with each other and they weren’t very united.
And in comes Sue with a battle that lasted only an hour and a half. HE TOOK OVER NEARLY THE WHOLE COUNTRY IN AN HOUR AND A HALF. I COULD LEAVE MY HOUSE, WATCH A MOVIE, AND HUNGARY WOULD BE CAPTURED WHEN I GOT BACK.
So after this, Sue got a bit cocky. Because he took over Hungary in an hour and a half. And he decided to attack Vienna, the CAPITAL OF THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE. So with 200,000 men, he marched on in. This freaked Europe out. Rumours started to spread that Sue was going to make everyone convert to Islam. Which wasn’t true. Why? Well, go look at Rhodes. He wasn’t all “OK KNIGHTS NOW BOW BEFORE THE MIGHTY SUE AND CONVERT MUHAHAHAHA MANIACAL LAUGH.” He didn’t really care. He was indifferent.
But they failed at taking Vienna. Twice. And then the third time, Sue went all out. He marched from Istanbul to Vienna in a parade, with a bunch of camels and horses and boys and stuff. So Prince Asue was in Vienna. But his parade was not welcome, because Vienna does not have streets and it just has rivers. Look.
But all the Europe rallied together and defeated Sue. He went home and cried himself to sleep that night.
Btu he got over it, because France still liked him. Well, of course France likes him, because France likes everyone. France loves everyone.
SUE LOOKED TO THE EAST.
And saw the Safavid Empire. He saw Persia. So he went in and jacked the Persia. Well, most of it, at least. He had Baghdad and a few pieces of other stuff. Persia and Sue kept on fighting, back and forth and back and forth. Hungary got involved again and asked Persia if they could politely beat Sue into the dust. Er, sand. I guess it’s sand over there. But you knowww~
But Sue could hold himself up from the west and the east, and it wasn’t really a problem. He moved on past Egypt, and he captured the city of Tunis. Two knees. This was a very nice move, because he now had the East side of the Ducky Sea. This was mostly due to a Pirate named Barbarossa, who was well known as a big fat bloodthirsty Greek bully. But whatever.
Sue and the Turks were a world powers through the Reformation. When he wasn’t expanding his kingdom, he was fancying it up.
Now Sue did some stuff which wasn’t very nice. He made a law that made it legal to KILL YOUR BROTHER IF YOU ARE NEXT IN LINE TO THE THRONE.
Now this happened anyways, but it was behind closed doors. The Ottoman Empire just made it legal.
So Sue wasn’t really a horrible evil I WILL KILL YOU ALL Muslim, but he had his faults. He wasn’t much different from his European counterparts, even though they saw him differently. The Enddd~!
(I don’t like ending on sweet notes like that. But hey. Whatever.)