So we’re in a market place. Derp.
A lot of people were there. No duh.
AND JOAN OF ARC WAS AT THE STAKE.
And she died.
OK THEN THE END SEE Y’ALL LATER.
Someone decided that it was a good idea to start at the end...? Meh. Whatever.
So this all goes back to the 100 years war. Which was not really 100 years. It was between England and France and all that? Yep. It took two treaties, two royal marriages, and about 83 years of actual battle. What did they want? The crown of France. They did not only WANT the crown, they WON the crown.
And two years later, Henry V, king of Franceland, bit the dust.
So in comes Joan. She was born in France, grew up as a peasant, and was a devout Catholic. Unlike most peasant girls, Joan believed she hear voices. JUST LIKE MEEE~ Except she thought that she heard, superficially, the voices of various saints and Micheal the Archangel. What were they saying? Be good, obey your parents, pray, and all that. So her parents didn’t really mind that. But at 17, the voices told her to lead the Prince of France to take his throne and become the next king.
So the Prince was a dolphin.
Oh? Wait? What? Dauphin? What? Oh, ok.
So he wasn’t a dolphin. I was misinformed. Dauphin is what the Prince of France is called. So Charles the VII was the Dauphin, son of Charles... VI... But Charlie VII was in no position to take the throne. You see, he was kinda, you know, flat broke. The traditional location where one would crown the king was over where the English were, so it was not under France’s control. So that was out of the question.
So VII said a little prayer that he could have the power to rule the throne, the courage, blah blah blah.
So Joan cut her hair, dressed in man’s clothing, and went to the castle.
So VII is freakin’ smooth out. He said a prayer and here comes Mrs. Peasant who cut all her hair, dressed up like a man, and said she heard voices? Well, VII was a bit cautious. So he decided he’d put her through some tests, which were long and pretty cool. She passed them all. So he sent her to Church camp or whatever and was questioned for three more weeks. They sent her back and suggested to put her in charge of the French Royal Army.
So did this at 17. She was given horses, white armour, and servants.
She did a good job with her army too. She had very strict rules concerning their morals.
She was a military genius, and she had soon completed her mission of crowning Charles VII.
Well wouldn’t it be nice if the story could end here? All nice and happy and stuffs?
There was a lot to do to get back the rest of France! So she kept fighting to get it back.
So England was. Fed. Up.
THEY WERE LOOSING TO A TEENAGER!
A TEENAGE GIRL!
A TEENAGE PEASANTGIRL!
So England decided that they had to get rid of Joan.
So she was moving on, and she got ambushed by some soldiers that had collaborated with the French. So she was kept in a prison in France. She tried escaping, three attempts were made at BREAKIN’ HER OUT, but still, the girl had to hang in prison.
So the French Soldiers sold her to the English for about 3,000 modern English dollaz.
SO SOMEHOW, IN ALL OF THIS, SHE WAS CALLED A HERETIC.
She was a DEVOUT Catholic! What!
So I figured the conversation went kinda like this:
Dood1: “Dude, we need to kill this girl.”
Dood1: “Wanna call her a heretic?”
Dood3: “BUT GUYZ SHE 1SNT A HERET1C TROLOLOLO”
Dood1&2: “...BUT IT’S THE ONLY WAY WE CAN GET RID OF HER.”
So they just did a casual handwave and said “HERETIC.”
So they burned her at the stake.
So they shaved her, made her wear a dunce hat, and a dress.
So then the French drove the English out of all their land and the French won the 100 years war.
AND THEN 24 YEARS LATER, SHE WAS DEEMED INNOCENT.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
IN 1920 (Yes. Nine. Teen. Twenty.) THE CHURCH DECIDED TO MAKE HER A SAINT.
WELL THAT WAS A HORRIBLE ENDING.