Monday, February 6, 2012

Grab Yourself Some Popcorn.

Cause it’s gonna be a long one ;D

So we all have weird love lifes. Sorta. Not really. Some people do. You know those people. The ones whose mascara is always all down their face instead of on their eyelashes, they probably have put on weight from all the Ben and Jerry’s, and a majority of their paycheck goes to Reliable Tissue Brand Four Ply. They always freak out if the boyfriend of the week does not call them/text them, etc. etc.


That girl.


That would be Henry VIII. Except he didn’t really cry. Or eat ice cream. Or wear mascara. Or text. He just killed the female counterpart.

Yeah. You might know that guy. I’m not going in to detail on the average “That Guy” because I don’t know a “That Guy” and I do not desire to do any field work upon the subject.
But King Henry VIII did not just kick his ex-es to the curb. He kicked them to the Tower of London, or the guillotine. Or the poison.

So let’s start with wife number one:

You see, Henry never even PLANNED on being the king. But then his brother died. FORESHADOWING~!

So Henry had to get married. At the age of 11. To a 15 year old girl. But that’s not as weird and awkward as it seems, because they were childhood friends.

No, actually, that just makes it more awkward.

But! Catherine of Aragon, the daughter of Isabella and Ferdinand. She had long golden hair, a Spanish accent, and a lot of patience. Which she needed, considering the fact that she was married to an 11 year old boy.

So they waited a bit to get married, and they finally got married they were well loved by the people of England and they were so for a little over 20 years. They had plenty of children, but only one survived.

And that was a girl.

Who shall not be named because I don’t want to bring doom upon you all.

So Henry was all sad panda over here because he only had one child, and said child was a GIRL. So Henry believed this was because Catherine was his brother’s wife. Until, you know, he died. And he thought the problem with this was because of a certain passage in Leviticus which says “NO BROTHER’S WIFENESS.” So Henry texted his wife and was like “TEXT MESSAGE BREAK UP~!” And a cardinal came and made it all legit.

And poor, poor Catherine. She was crushed. She LOVED Henry. She didn’t think the passage in Leviticus applied to their marriage, she didn’t think God was mad at them, and she didn’t want to annul the marriage.

So the poor cardinal was so confused. Catherine wanted to stay with Henry, Henry wanted to have a son, and Catherina couldn’t give him a son. According to Henry, at least, but hey.

So you know how Mr. P-to-da-ope and HRE didn’t get along very well? Sometimes they did though, right? This is not one of those times. HRE and P-to-da-ope are fighting. You see, Catherine was the aunt of the Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire and Henry wanted the Cardinal to talk to Mr. P-to-da-ope. But he could not and would not hurt Catherine with an annulment.

So it’s really confusing. It’s like a daytime soap opera! And when Henry learned he was refused an annulment, he was mad.

He was realllly really mad.

So he fired the Cardinal! And then he had a little court. In this court, he was given a “secret” annulment. Mr. P-to-da-ope was not too happy about that. So Henry hired a new Cardinal who was expected to back Henry up for a legit annulment.

But the Cardinal didn’t want to do that!

And Henry was furious again!

So everyone’s mad, sad, fired, or dead. Herny is in a difficult position. He needs an annulment, but nobody else really wants one. So he does the only logical thing.

Tries to have a son again! Resorts to blackmail!
So he talked a group of bishops into passing a bill which said that he was the head of the Church of England.



So that way, he didn’t need anybody’s approval to annul his marriage. He killed the Cardinal, and annulled his marriage. Er, he got an Archbishop to annul it officially, but he pretty much did it himself.

There goes wife number one. She was tucked away to live her life as the ex-Queen, and was NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN HAHAHAHA~!


Her name was Anne Boleyn. He was married to her /before/ the official annulment. Oh, by the way, she was FIFTEEN.

Ok, so, that’s not that bad, right? I mean, Catherine was 15 when she was engaged, so that’s not too bad.

But she waited to get married. Let’s say they waited... four years? That would mean Henry was married at 15. They were married for twenty years.



For years, Anne refused to be Herny’s girlfrand. She was lyk “Nonono you’re married that’s not good for me to be garlfran while you’re married.”

It’s pretty much assumed that she was the reason Henry didn’t, you know, try to have another kid with Catherine.

Henry was also in kinda-creepy-stalker-with-a-crush-mode. He wrote her all sorts of love letters and all that explaining his infatuation with her. But she still refused. Of course, this just made Henry want her mooore. If that’s possible. Eventually, she cracked under pressure and moved in with him. She, of course, got preggers.


But~~~. After a month of pregnancy, they got married. Secretly. So 8 months later, SHE HAD BABBY.

Which was, of course, a girl. Named Elizabeth.

So Henry wanted three things from Parliament. And they gave him three things.

Number one: The king of England, NOT the Pope, was the supreme head of the Church of England.

Number Duo: Mary, Henry’s daughter, would NOT inherit the throne.

Numbah Three: ALL of the kings subjects had to sign an oath that said Elizabeth and any children Anne had could inherit the throne.

Annnd then he fell out of love with her. He began to hate her, actually. And she wasn’t as patient as Catherina was, and she was really really jealous, because Henry liked to notice other women.Which he did a lot.

And the people of England didn’t like her. At allll. They accused her of wichcraft. Poor girl couldn’t walk down the street without people yelling at her.

And three years into their marriage, Herny charged her with adultery and plotting to kill him. She was locked away into the tower of London, given the death penalty, and was killed. Her “boyfriends” were killed first, which also was a big blow against Anne, because everyone was innocent. Except for Herny, of course.

So a week after she was beheaded, Herny was married again.

On to number three~!

Because Anne was an adulteress and was dead, Henry could marry without guilt! And the lucky Jane Seamour was the girl. She was a maid in the king’s court, which is slightly horrific because you can guess how long he had his eye on her.

But 17 months after their wedding, Jane gave birth to a....


Yew guiz thought i waz trollin werent yewww ;D

The newborn prince’s name was Edward. However, twelve days after Ed was born, Jane died.

This made Henry sad. Yes, Henry had a heart. Like, a legit one. He said that Jane was the best queen they ever had. Aww~ :3

Well remember that Archbishop that gave Henry his annulment? Well he and a secretary named Thomas Cromwell were getting involved in the reformation! And you know how that kind of stuff goes. They wanted Henry to break even further from the Catholic church than he already had. Buuut Herny wasn’t really Protestant, and he didn’t agree with anything Martin Luther said. Except for the “less Popey Power” buzznuzz.

The Archbishop and the Secretary still went on with their reformation, dissolving monasteries and fixing stuff up. Henry was fine with it because he got the land from them. It was a win-win.

Anddd Wife number four~!!!!

Anne of Cleves was the “lucky” girl. Why her?

Well Thomas Cromwell, the secretary, really wanted England to break away from Rome. Like Germany. And he thought Henry should marry a German princess! Of course!

And that was a really good idea! Sorta.


Not really.

They THOUGHT it was a good idea.

Well, Henry believed that Anne was going to be a lovely, impressive, delicate young woman.

Anne was a ugly, unrefined woman. She was older than Henry liked, and could hardly speak English. She was more rugged and well built than Henry. And she was kinda looked like a horse.

You know you want this so you can look like a German/English princess. You know it.


She was very nice in personality and everything, but he didn’t love Anne like a wife. Or at wall. I mean, yeeeah, they ate supper together. And they drank beer. Of course they drank beer, she’s German. But anyways. Six months later, they had their marriage annulled. And neither of them really cared.

She continued to live in England on a decent budget.

And Thomas, who had this genius idea? He was beheaded. He was pretty much given no mercy. The man who painted the beautiful picture of the not-so-beautiful woman was forgiven.

On to number five~!

Catherine Howard. On the same day as Cromwell’s execution, Herny was married. Again.

And she was a teenager. Of course.

Same old same old, the marriage went kaploink in about two years. Annulment. But this time, it was against HENRY’S wishes.

Because she was a teenager, she was pretty airheaded. And she was unfaithful. But she gave him a lot of attention, which he was cool with. Archbishop didn’t really like Catherine, because she was Roman Catholic. So he stirred up a story about her old boyfrand, which actually led way to a real secret of hers.

She was dating some people in the court~!

She confessed to be guilty of adultery, and she was beheaded along with some maids who helped her cover the secret and her boyfran.

Henry had a taste of his own medicine. Because right before all this buzznuzz, he held a BIG PARTY and bragged about her being awesome and wonderful and awesome and beautiful and rosey and not thonry and awesome and cool and boxxy she was. And he felt stuuupiiid. She dropped him, and he sat stupified.

So we got wife number sixx~!

Her name was ALSO Catherine. I think if I was named Catherine or Anne, I would move out of the country.

But this woman was 31. She was widowed twice, and Henry and Catherine were married about a year and a half after Catherine the second was dropped.

And Catherine was a good little wife. This was amazingly stable considering what had happened, and this marriage stayed. She raised his children, but she was Protestant. She tried to explain her views to Henry, but he didn’t like that so he put her in time out. She learned to keep her mouth shut. Henry got sick though and he died four years after Catherine and he married. He was only 55 years old. He’s buried at Windsor Castle, right next to Jane. Catherine married a few years later, but died soon after.

So what did Henry actually, you know, /do/? He Knew three languages, loved the classics, was interested in music, art, and dancing. He hunted, entertained, and built ships. However, he didn’t actually do anything. Except for marry people who were kicked to the curb under soon afterwards. He didn’t reform anything. He put bibles in churches, yeah, but not for reformation. IT was for rebellion against Rome. Not because, “Hey,this isn’t right. We need Bibles in the church!” Because. “Hey! I’m Henry! I can do whatever I want~!”

So when Henry died, Edward came in. But he died. Then (name removed for the safety of all) took over, and then Elizabeth. And they alllll wereee differenttt. Edward was Protestant, the (first queen) was Roman Catholic, and Elizabeth brought back the Church of England.

But that’s a different story.

Which will be here soon~ Hang tight!

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