THIS POST IS KINDA DERP BUT STILL

So basically Spain is outta the race. Was outta the race. Bluh bluh whatever. Because basically England beat the stink outta Spain.

AND OH MY WORD.

DON QUIXOTE.

OK SO YOU GUYS MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF IT BUT OH MAN.

It was a book.

And basically he’s insane. And it’s beautiful. Not really. It’s hilarious though. Go read it. Right now.

AND WHO WROTE THIS BOOK?

This guy. His name was Miguel Cervantas. Cer.... vantas.... carvantas... k-

ok nevermind we’re not going down that road again.

BUT ANYWAYS. He wasn’t really one a dem lerned people. Just a soldier against the Turks for five years. And in the battle of Lepanto, he got a big giant gash on his left hand. And basically he and his bro got kidnapped. And sold as slaves. And it just so happened that Miguel had some ~important letters~ and the pirates thought he was one of those really important people. So his mom and sisters started selling ALL the things to get money, but it took 5 years to get enough for the ransom to free him.

dude.

SO.

HE GOT OUT OF SLAVERY. THAT’S NICE.

And he started writing! I mean, he had a few poems published but nothing big. And then he wrote a romance novel for his girlfriend? It wasn’t very popular with anyone but her, but they got married. That’s sweet. And then the girl adopted one of his illegitimate kids?

wat.

ok but so.

He was kinda unlucky with his writing. For about 25 years. starving hipster artist person.

So he was working for the Spanish Armada for a little. And then it got sunk. So he was outta work.

And then he went to jail!

Because he was so in debbbbt.

AND THEN HE WROTE THIS LITTLE THINGY.

OR BIG THINGY.

IT’S ACTUALLY A REALLY LONG BOOK.

But what was it ABOUT.

IT'S ABOUT DON QUIXOTE.

Don is pretty insane. He was also obsessed with knights. He was like.

A scary geeknerdu who thinks everything is real no matter what AND THAT HE IS A KNIGHT AND EVERYONE IS A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS.

So he got his hands on some armour?

And he wore it. And walked around. And he had a lance. And basically everyone was pretty scared of him because he eventually starts attacking innocent bystanders. He got himself a squire somehow. And basically his “squire” was a practical realist.

how did this even happen.

ANYWAY.

Miguel published the first half of the book. It was good.

AND THEN HE WAITED.

HE WAITED A LONGGG TIME FOR THE SECOND HALF.

He waited 10 monkeying years to publish the second half.

oh my word ok that's a long time how does 10 years feel waiting for an update wow

10 years.

OK.

Now. I’ll stop the pointless wallowing in confusion.

But basically this has no point at all besides I’m obligated to do this post apparently?

also read this book.

read it.

get a translation though. because it’s impossible unless you speak old.

so yeah awkward post ahahaha /casuallyends

LOL WHAT AM I DOING

Ok So You Guys Remember How That Guy Was All Piratey?

COURSE YOU DO.

Anyway, that colony that disappeared? Well about that time, there was this whole war going on with the English and Spanish. As you’d guess.

AND THE ENGLISH BEAT THE SPANISH INTO THE DUST.

Er, the sand.

INTO THE SAND. OR, UH, THE WAVES. ER. JUST. FORGET THAT ANALOGY. THEY BEAT THEM PRETTY BAD.

But whai.

BECAUSE HENRY VIII WAS A JERK.

Remember Catherine?

phsaw that doesn’t help at all.

Catherine of Argon? His FIRST WIFE? To whom he was married for 20 years and proceeded to kick to the curb for a 15 year old?

That chick?

SHE WAS SPANISH.

And the Spanish never really got over it.

Then Bloody MAry!

Who died.

Then he courted Elizabeth!

And he got dumped.

Then his son did too!

Then war.

And Spain was also kinda derpy with the Netherlands because William the Silent.

So they just kinda sat there and tried not to kill anyone. Which was hard with Elizabeth and all her pirates. She was like, “GO, GO PLUNDER THE SPANISH. HA HAH HA HA~!”

So Philip just played hard to get pretended not to notice. And then Elizabeth was like “I THINK I MIGHT MARRY THIS FRENCH DUKE.” And then Philip turned on his swagger continued ignoring Elizabeth. Which she didn’t do. So instead she helped the Dutch. Against Spain.

Then Elizabeth executed Mary Queen of Scots, because she was Catholic. Which was kinda an “I HATE YOU SO MUCH.” wink towards Spain.

And then...

England learned about this littletinyGIANT ARMADA.

Anyway. Spain actually loved Philip, even though everyone else HATED HIM SO MUCH. He became king at 16, which was pretty young. He was married a lot, but most were political so it wasn’t all I’M GONNA BE HENRY.

He wrote letters to his wife and his daughters and he was actually a pretty nice guy.

except to his son who he locked in a tower :D

Anyway. He was nice and calm and he was pretty awesome. Except to everyone else but that doesn’t matter.

But Uhh.

He Kinda Lost.

So he kinda had the largest armada ever assembled ever. It was called the Invincible Armada. Which means they’re so gonna win.

And England had a pretty small navy. Herpderp. But everyone was all excited about war so basically they were better, I guess.

And all these pirates of England were like YEUH. But so were the Spanish.

But they had two way different strategies.

Spain thought it’s be a good idea to board all these ships and fight man to man. However, England liked to shoot things out of canons and sink ships.

((I am aware I spelled cannon “incorrectly.” It was totally intentional and you get all of my love if you know what im doing here iiiilll stop talking now please ignore this))

Anyway,

So basically one of the Admirals set fire to 8 of he ships and sailed them off into the Spanish Armada seawaterarea.

And they all yelled and screamed and fled over to France!

They kinda surrendered. However, they had to go AROUND ENGLAND because the wind was being stupid. So they just kinda went around England. And the ships were so big 17 of their ships derped.

That is beautiful.

Philip just kinda locked himself in an itty bitty room and didn’t really talk to anyone.

ELIZABETH WAS PARTYING.

And she just sent some more war fleets to Spain. Even though they already won. All of the win.

Basically, Spain got really weak 5ever.

The Dutch got helped and out from under Spain.

England got a lot stronger, and so did the Protestant Reformation.

And it also kinda let England go colonize up in North America. Because Spain couldn’t actually do anything.

THEN SUDDENLY THE GOLDEN AGE. Well, for England, at least. Spain was whining over there.

ANYWAY. SO THAT KINDA ENDED ABRUPTLY. BUT OH WELL~

BLUHBLUHBLUH

POTATOES. TOBACCO.

This guy is responsible for a whole cultural stereotype! WELL DONE SIR. WELL DONE.

Sir Walter Raleigh singlehandedly introduced potatoes and tobacco to Ireland. And he was pretty much a stereotype himself, but whatever.

LET’S TALK ABOUT HIM.

He wasn’t actually Irish. He was English. And he went to France. And he fought with Huguenots. Otherwise known as the Protestants. And he just got out of France before that big giant massacre. Which is good. He started hating the Roman Catholics and kinda started breaking away from religions. Which didn’t mean he wasn’t a Christian, he was just sick of the BLUHBLUHBLUH.

So he kinda stood over here in the corner.

He went home and went to college and law and Aristotle but he never actually graduated. He decided he’d be a pirate instead!

And if I had the chance to drop out of school and be a pirate in 16th century England, three guesses as to my choice.

Actually you’d only need one guess because there are only two answers but oh well.

Walter and his half brother starting pirating. And being pirates. And stuff. He was pretty much Elizabeth’s favourite, uhh, pirate. He was all nice and ruthless and he put down a revolt and he was rewarded and he had ALL THE MONEY.

Er, well, he was actually rewarded with land.

BUT STILL.

He had 12,000 ACRES of land. In Ireland. Which is a lot. He was also Elizabeth’s boyfran, and he was handsome and yadayadayada.

Even though he was 20 years younger than she was.

AND THEN SHE GAVE HIM 42,000 MORE ACRES IN IRELAND. I’M PRETTY SURE HE LIKE HAD THE WHOLE COUNTRY NOW BUT WHATEVER.

He got knighted. So now he was a knight pirate. He was also the queens boyfran and a lot of people were jealous.

And for yeeears he was just kinda hanging out doing whatever he wanted. And then he started a colony in America and named it this little thing you’ve probably never heard of VIRGINIA.

So something really weird happened. He wanted to go on a second trip and Elizabeth was like “thats cool bro” BUT. She made him stay. He did stay, and the voyage left, HOWEVER.

Basically they all went and colonized and they hung out for a little bit. And then the Governor went back to England for food and moneyz. But Spain was like NEWWW and GOVNAH couldn’t leave for like three years.

And then when he went back THE COLONY WAS DESERTED. Which was really creepy. But it was probably Indians.

Anyway!

BACK IN ENGLAND.

Walter had a ship. He fought the Spanish Armada. And he was awesome and Elizabeth loved her and he had Ireland and he had this Poet.

THEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED.

HE FELL.

IN.

LOVE.

waitwat.

Basically there was this girl Her name was Elizabeth... Throckmorton?

AND HE CALLED HER BESS.

Basically she worked for Elizabeth. And HE didn’t want Elizabeth to find out he loved Elizabeth so he married Elizabeth in secret, and if Elizabeth ever found out he married Elizabeth then there would be trouble.

...

This isn’t gonna work.

ELIZABETH WORKED FOR QUEENSY. Walter didn’t want Queeny to find out he loved Elizabeth, so he married her in secret, and if Queeny ever found this out there would be trouble.

AND THEN SHE FOUND IT OUT.

AND THERE WAS TROUBLE.

So she threw them in the tower of London to have a wonderful honeymoon. And then Walter wrote a flattering letter to Queeny and Walter got released.

And then a little bit later Bess got out. But she didn’t have a job anymore so herpderp.

Anyway! Walter kept adventuring and he suddenly GOLD WANT. And you can guess how that went.

NOW THEN.

Later he brought the potatoes to Ireland. He sold some land and he went back to ADVENTURING~!

BUT.

Walter adventure came to a screeching, burning halt. Because Elizabeth died. And her cousin came to power. Walter was charged for, uhh, treason, and so he was locked up in the tower. And he sent Bess a love letter and it was sweet and happy. Because writing one to the king wouldn’t work the way it did on Elizabeth.

BUT!

Walter didn’t actually die! King James kept him alive for another 13 years. Which wasn’t as lousy as it could have been. He had books and stuff and his wife and kid could live with him and he had servants and he wrote and stuff was actually pretty nice.

Howeverrr, time in prison was still time in prison.

Still, he was kinda secretly plotting an escape. He told James that he could go to South America and find him some gold, and that’s what he did. He wasn’t allowed to attack the Spanish or their territories. Which wasn’t that bad.

However, this whole thing was jinxed because we all know that a) THERE WAS NO GOLD. and b) everyone hated the Spanish. Basically his crew just monkeyed around in the Spanish territories.

Basically he got killed. Er, executed. Same difference.

Anyway. He was a pirate knight awesome lover Elizabeth boyfran prisoner crusader awesome.

The end~

UHM PLEASE EXCUSE ME BEING REALLY IGNORANT ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY SEEN THE SILENCE EPISODE PLEASE DONT HURT ME HALKJWHEKJH.

So this guy has a sorta weird nickname. It was “The Silent”

silence will fall when the question is asked.

Yay Silents. silence will fall.

BUT SO.

Silents are actually Dutch, and the Doctor is actually a Spaniard. And they both fought over the Netherlands. Yay!

WE KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THE NETHERLANDS.

So. William was pretty much the Father of the Netherlands. BUT LET’S STEP INTO THE TARDIS AND CONTINUE WITH THIS DOCTOR WHO THEME. silence will fall when the question is asked.

Charles V. Holy Roman Empire. And he was like “MARTIN LUTHER IS A HERETIC” at Wyrms. Turns out that the family he was from kinda inherited the Netherlands. Charles was fond of the city of Brussels. Which is in Belgium. Which was a part of the Netherlands. And Brussels was one of his favourite place to live. And even though they didn’t really like him, they kinda considered him to be Dutch.

Anyway, the Netherlands started being Protestant. And then the Inquisition! And people were burned and tortured and all that nice stuff. 5,000 protestants were put to death. THEN THINGS GOT WORSE. silence will fall.

Charles kinda retired and gave the throne to his son. Who was not named Charles. His son’s name was Philip II. But he didn’t like the Netherlands. He just kinda thought it was a place to herpderp. So he decided to declare war on the Netherlands!

ANYWAY.

William the Silent! silence will fall when the question is asked.

He was actually German. And he was the Prince of Orange. He was raised Protestant but trained Catholic. Which made things kinda awkward. And when he was old enough, he got put in charge of some Catholic troops in France. Which was good. His buddy was Charles V and everyone was happy.

THEN PHILIP.

Who wasn’t technically the Emperor, but he was still nice to Philip.

For a little. He made him governor of the Netherlands. Buuut then it was a steady decline and William didn’t really like how all of his people were getting killed. And he pretty much got told that Philip was teaming up with France to KILL ALL THE PROTESTANTS. silence will fall.

So William kinda had an official side-switch. He was now pro-Protestant.

AND OGURLLLLLLLL.

Then a revolt! silence will fall when the question is asked.

The leadership of said revolt was kinda thrown on to William, and he was kinda confused. But he fought anyway.

Also I guess we just kinda dropped that whole Doctor Who thing we had going. silence will fall when the question is asked.

ANYWAY.

So he was revolting against Spain. But he wasn’t a very good leader. And he had to ask France for help. And he didn’t go to church a lot because he was busy leading a revolt. And the Catholics didn’t really like him either. Oh, and his brother got dead too. silence will fall.

BASICALLY EVERYONE HATED HIM.

So this Dude Duke. He was sent from Spain to the Netherlands to set up the “Council of Troubles.”

Which was... Troubling.

:D

silence will fall when the question is asked.

...

Anyway!

So a lot of people were killed because they weren’t for the Spanish or the Catholics. And more just kinda got everything taken away from them. And it was also called the Council of Blood, but both names are good. Er, bad. They’re bad names. But they are accurate ones.

AND OGURLLLLLLLL.

THE CITY OF ANTWERP.

...

IT GOT PILLAGED. By the Spanish. They kinda went insane and moved south and they started killing all of these Dutch and oh man it was bad. It was really bad. silence will fall.

So pretty much the North and South part of the Netherlands had been divided. They were really different and they didn’t really help each other out.

UNTIL THEN. They signed this treaty thing and they fought together. Well, for a while. Because Spain won back the Southern Part.

herpderpderp.

But so a bunch of Northern Parts broke up and one was the Republic of the United Netherlands. And the other part was Belgium.

Anyway.

The Dutch signed their own Declaration of Independence and it basically said “WE’RE NOT HERE FOR SPAIN.”

And Philip didn’t like that.

So he was like “NO MOAR WILLIAM.” And then he put up an old west wanted poster. Hooowever, multiple attempts were made. Most failed. Until this insane Fenchman came, SNUCK INTO HIS HOUSE WHILE HE WAS EATING DINNER WITH HIS FAMILY, AND THEN SHOT HIM. WITH TWO PISTOLS. silence will fall.

herpderpderp.

This only made the Dutch more mad because that meant they had their very own martyr. Yay!

So the Dutch eventually totally won against the Spanish. They became a free country and they got a statue and they also got the colour orange.

YAY NETHERLANDS. DUTCH. BLEHBLUHBLEH.

/weirdending

P.S: In no way am I saying that the Doctor is a bad guy. And in no way am I in support of the Silents, or the Silence, or any of their associates. silence will fall when the question is asked.

A REALLY IMPRESSIVE FEAT THAT HAPPENED EVERY OTHER YEAR.

So the Spanish pretty much hated this guy. But the English were like “YESS.”

And his name was Sir Francis Drake. AND HE SAILED AROUND THE WORLD, JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

But he liked to steal stuff from Spanish ships. So he was a pirate. Who traveled around the world. And this was kinda a secret plot from Elizabeth and she made him do it.

herpderpderp.

SO JUST WHO WAS THIS GUY?

He’s Sir Francis Drake! He was born in wosrtistshireshireistchshire with 12 other kids. He got his first gig at 13 and they sailed around for a good 7 years until the captain died, so he was kinda given captainship and he took them back. Then he got another job and they sailed around the Caribbean and the Indies and cuiseship. And he wasn’t really interested in exploring on this little expedition, he was just like “MONEYZ!11!” so he took ALL THE MONEY.

But it turned out that the silver he took from them wasn’t really the Spanish’s either. Because they were kinda jacking it from the Indians’ silver mines. derpderpderp.

And Elizabeth wanted that silver mine. She really wanted it. So she was like “FRANCIS GO GET ME SOME SILVER.” so he was like “OK” This was an unofficial commission, because if they got in trouble Elizabeth was not going to help them. Because that’d look really bad. Anyway, he basically went through this town and basically got all the stuff and he had to leave behind some silver and gold because that had too much. And then he went back to England and got rewarded for being a horrible thieving pirate.

Then she signed a treaty with Spain so she couldn’t acknowledge Francis’s awesomeness.

Five years later he just kinda circumnavigated the world like it was nobody’s buzznuzz. BUT WHY?

So the crew kinda thought they were going to Africa to trade. That was a lie. They were going to Brazil...?

So was he just gonna circle the world fo realz or was it an accident or what? Well nobody really knew. He was just sorta there to steal more silver. More or less.

Nobody knew what was going on. Well, except for Francis. Sorta. Maybe. I guess?

ANYWAY. THERE WERE TWO OTHER CAPTIANS. WE ARE GOING TO MAKE AN EDUMACATED GUESS THAT THERE WERE THREE SHIPS BECAUSE THERE WERE THREE CAPTAINS.

Anyway. Francis’s ship got broke in a storm and they had to get rid of the flagpole mast thing. So everyone just kinda went home. And on take two, the fleet left with 6 ships and 164 people. So I lied. There were 6 ships, not three. They followed Magellan's route and after 8 months three out of 6 ships were gone, and so they kinda jacked Mag’s old strait.

AND THEN SOMETHING TOTALLY UNEXPECTED HAPPENED.

A storm came by and ate a ship. Two were left. The other got scared and left. The other just kinda got blew over on to an island. And then it sailed up the west coast of South America and just kinda RAIDED ALL THE SETTLEMENTS. And he also RAIDED ALL THE SHIPS. And he GOT ALL THE MAPS. ALL THE THINGS.

And then he just kinda sailed into a comfy little harbour. It was probably in Canada, or it was just really really cold and icey, because it was in the middle of.. uhh.... July?

Ok.

Anyway.

This affected a lot of people because England and Spain were all fighting for the general America continent. Basically it got all tense and some srs buzznuzz started goin down. The harbour was claimed for England with a little brass plate made by Francis. And in 1930, it was found!

lol no not really it was a fake.

SO ANYWAY, THEY LEFT.

In a few months they made it back to England. It had been 3 years and he asked if Elizabeth was alive. And she was. Which is good. Becuase that means he would GET ALL THE MONEY.

He got knighted on his ship and then he died a few years later. Like most people do. Well not the knighting part, but the dying part. Because he never found that fountain of youth. ANYWAY.

They kinda just put him in a lead casket and sunk him in the ocean. Some people argue that he should be brought up.

Which would be kind of disgusting. I mean, he’s been dead underwater in a lead casket for 500 years. I don’t think he’d look or smell that nice. I guess there’s no harm in it, but still.

MY OPINION IS UNIMPORTANT. WAIT FOR THE NEXT POST.

CAWERHKJH SO UNORIGINAL WITH TITLES JUST LEAVE ME.

So this lady was lucky. Sorta. Because she ruled two countries sammiched between Spain and France. But they don’t exist anymore.

HIPSTER LADY.

You’ve probably never heard of Jeanna. Or her countries. But you might have if you’re a history major or something. But most people aren’t. Silly non-history majors.

THIS CHICK.

She King of France’s niece. And she lived in Paris, which was SO CATHOLIC. But she was SO PROTESTANT. But he wasn’t really as focused on the Catholic part as he was on keeping her away from Philip II of Spain, WHO WAS AN UNMARRIED LOOSER WHO WOULD SETTLE FOR ANYONE.

Seriously. Phil was turned down by Elizabeth, Mary of Scots, and probably anyone else who he stalked wanted to marry.

(except for Bloody Mary. But she was kinda in the same NOBODY WILL MARRY ME predicament so she doesn’t count.)

So her mummy shipped Jeanna off to Paris when she was about 9, and Francis was like MEDDLEMEDDLEMEDDLE and when she turned twelve he was like MARRY THIS GERMAN DUDE SINCE HE’S RIGHT HERE EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE TWELVE.

And so then Jeanne was like “no.” And Francis was like “YESSS.” and Jeanne was like “noooo” and then they got married anyway. By force. Like4srs she was DRAGGED DOWN TO THE ALTER. And right after she got married she ran away to her mumsie.

The marriage was annulled.

BUT.

Nowadays she was all up in the Protestantantismantprotantantantantantismantism. And she got best frands with John Calvin and she had some tutors (Not Tudor.) and awesomesauce.

And when she turned 20, she got married! And she didn’t have to be dragged or anything!

But the marriage still stunnnnk. Because the guy she married was a loserwagon and he was like “I LIEK THIS WOMAN. AND THIS RELIGION. AND THIS CHURCH. LOL NO I LIKE THIS ONE BETTER. HEY WAIT NO THIS ONE IS COOL. WAIT HANG ON THIS WOMAN IS PRETTY.” and herpderpderp.

And so Jeanne was like “GOD HELP ME.” but like seriously she prayed a lot to God. For help.

So after her daddy died she got to be Queen of Navarre, which was her little country! Which means loserwagon got the be king. But so she gave birth to like 5 kids, but only two of them, you know, lived. So she basically had two kids. And she got real original with the names, let me tell you.

CATHERINE AND HENRY.

But . So she had a pretty tough job between France and Spain, because they were both like “I WANT THIS COUNTRY.” but she was like “newww” but they kept wanting. Because her little country was a Protestant country. Spain and France didn’t like that AT ALL.

And in 1560, she was like “HAY EVERYBODY, GUESS WHAT? I’M PROTESTANT!” and everyone was like “WAAAT.” And so now France, Spain, and Rome were like “we gunnna kheeeel yewww.”

But anyways. Jeanne and her loserwagon hung out in Paris a lot, because they were just kinda getting ready for the throne to open up. And while they were in Paris, religion was like “LOL” and it decided to flip the monkey out. Because Catherine, Queen of France, was like “NO MOAR PROTESTANTZ~!!1!”

Loserwagon was like “ok” and he was Catholic because he didn’t want to die. And then he asked for a divorce. He made her LEAVE HER 9 YEAR OLD SON IN PARIS. And then he made her go home.

KJAHFDKASJBFKADF.

The heck dude.

Oh. Also. Baithuhwai. Jeanne had tuberculosis! She was already tiny and weak and shtuffs, but she still survived.

But her ex-loserwagon died first.

And then Jeanne ruled her little country AWESOMELY, even though she was sick. And tiny. And without a husband or son.

She finally decided to make her little countrycitything into an official Protestant state. She wasn’t one of those KILL ALL THE CATHOLICS people though. Which was good. There were no arrests, no trails, and no inquisition. Mass wasn’t allowed publically, but you wouldn’t get n srs trouble if you were all quiet about it.

THEN PHILIP THE SECOND CAME IN. Er, his son, at least.

And she said no. Because he was Catholic. And she wasn’t. And she didn’t want her little country to be Catholic.

So we’ve got Catherine de Medici, Mary Queen of Scots, Elizabeth, and Jeanne. AND PHILIP STILL CAN’T GET A DATE.

Herpderp.

So there was this scout guy from Mr. P-to-da-ope and he was like “wanna buy some girl scout cookies” and she was like “NO.” and he was like “BUT YOU’LL GET INQUISITIONED.” but she was still like “no.” and then he was like “YOU’LL GET EXCOMMUNICATED” and she was like “I DON’T CAREEE.” and then she slammed the door in his face.

Poor guy.

But so eventually she got frands with the Queen of Paris and she got her son back. When he was like 14. Meaning, it had been about 5 years.

THEN FRANCE’S CIVIL WAR.

Since they were like right next to France it was kinda hard to avoid. So she ran away over closer to Spain. With tuberculosis. And she was, like, fighting. Seriously.

But so eventually peace was made and there was a new king of France and this thing was signed which was good because everyone was happy and vagueness and run on sentence.

Jeanne went back home and Catherine was STALKING HER more or less, and she thought that a royal marriage would help with their peace.

BUT NOT FOR JEANNE.

For her son! Catherine was like “Hey, hey, hey, let’s arrange our kids marriages~!” and Jeanne was like “Ok~! I’LL PICK THE DRESS AND YOU PICK THE CAKE AND WE’LL HAVE A WONDERFUL LOVELY MARRIAGE AND BELHBLAHBLUH”

Which was kinda odd, because one was Catholic and one was Protestant.

Annnd two months before the wedding Jeanne died.

...

BWAHHH D:

But she was actually really young when she died, because she was like 44.

Which was kinda bittersweet, because if she lived much longer she would have seen ALL THE MASSACRE.

So yeah. Also, you’ll have to wait to see how that marriage turned out. But from that aforementioned massacre, you have three guesses about the outcome.

Yeah.

C-C-CLIFFHANGER.

just ignore me please kthnxbai.

So we’ve been all over Scotland and we’re all “HAI SCOTLAND WATS UP” and Scotland’s been like “reformation and queens and bleh whats wif you?”

So Mary! Queen of Scots!

Technically, she was 1 week old when she began her rule. Herpin ma derp like yeuh. So her Mom, who was French, was like “Oh yeah, yeah, my daughter is ruliiing ha ha ha yeahhh.” Because it was totally the baby who was making all of the political decisions. And when she was about 5 years old, she got shipped off to France! Which was terrifying. But after she got there it wasn’t really that bad.

But then the Queen of France. Catherine de Medici~! Yes, that de Medici. THE DE MEDICIS. FROM ITALY.

Anyway, so her son was kinda set up to marry Mary. But neither Catherine or Mary were hip on this idea. Catherine didn’t like Mary’s family, and Mary’s family wanted the French throne. And Francis, the guy who was going to be married to Mary, was kinda lame. And so Mary the marry marriage Mary Catherine Francis Mary marriagemarriagemarriage power Francis marriage power hate. Because it’s all really confusing.

BUT BASICALLY EVERYONE HATED EACH OTHER.

Except for Mary and Francis. They loved each other. BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT, RIGHT? THIS IS A MARRIAGE, NOT A ~MARRIAGE!~

But they got married anyway?

And it was all pretty and in a big church and it was all fancy and they loved each other and it was sweet. And everyone was happy for a little bit, because they were nice and it was both a political marriage, and they really did love each other.

THEN SOMEONE WENT AND DIED AND MADE EVERYONE SAD AGAIN.

But then Francis, Mary’s new husband, was king. Because his dad had died. Which means Mary was Queen of France.

And for some reason WAY BEYOND ME, some people also thought she was the Queen of England. And everyone was happy was because they were so sweet and they were the King and Queen of France and it was all happy.

EXCEPT FOR CATHERINE. Who enjoyed being a big dark storm cloud on a beautiful blue sunny sky :D

And Catherine was mad because her daughter in law was better than her in every single way.

THEN FRANCIS DIED. When he was 18. Two years into their marriage.

This means she was no longer Queen of France. Which is sweet, horrible, WONDERFUL IRONY if you ask me.

Because Catherine was like “I DUN WAN YEW TUH BEE QWEEEEEN.”

Annnd then Mary’s mom died in Scotland.

So she left France and hung out over there, where she was still Queen. So she hopped a boat and got outta there. But not without some weird sappy “GOODBYE, MY LOVE~” chickflick action while she was sailing away.

And then she got home. She was about SIX FEET TALL, and she had LONG SLENDER ARMS, with WHITE PALE SKIN, _{and she had dark hair and eyes but forget about that if you know who/what i’m referring to here brownie points for youuu~!} AND SHE ARRIVED WHEN IT WAS RAINING.

O_o

However, she liked to play golf and go outside and shtuff instead of talk about religion and politics. But she did ask if she could have Mass in her room and they were like “SURE WHY NOT”

So she traveled around Scotland and hung out wif her peeps and dey waz lyk “WATS HAPPININ MAH SISHTA” but then the Son of Philip II was like “MARRIAGEMARRIAGEMARRIAGE SOMETHING COOL IN SPANISH”

But then word got out about this arrangement, and John Knox was like “I’M GONNA SPEAK FOR MARY AND SAY NO.” Because nobody wanted a Catholic Spaniard for their King.

So John Knox met up with Mary and he was like “NO.” and Mary was like “but wai” And John was like “CUZ.” and Mary was all “u treason persunn”

Now he was never really convicted of treason, but Marry never married the marriage that Philip the Marriage son marriage person son. BUT SHE DIDN’T.

But then she...

SHE MARRIED HER COUSIN.

His name was Lord Henry Steward. Who we shall name Stewie. Even though he was known as Lord Darnley. But he was a really bad husband. Because he wasn’t a very good king and he liked other women better. Sooo she met this Italian musician who was her... “Private Secretary.”

Yeah.

They spent too much time together. And while they were EATING SUPPER TOGETHER (they really were only eating supper. I promise.) Lord Darnley and some goons came and killed him right in front of Mary.

BUT WAIT.

So Mary was freakin out for hopefully obvious reasons. She ran away for hopefully obvious reasons, and she gave birth to Darnley’s son. Herpderp.

His name was James. As in, King James Bible. He wrote it. Er, well, not wrote, but you know.

Then some suspicious series of events happened. Darnley got really sick and Mary visited him every night in the hospital. Anddd when she left to go to a wedding party, a LARGE STASH OF GUNPOWDER EXPLODED. However, you’d think they wouldn’t find any Darnley. But instead, they found him naked and strangled in the courtyard?

wat.

Since nothing was ever traced directly to Mary, she never really got in trouble. But a lot of fingers were pointed when she got married THREE MONTHS LATER.

Which was a mistake. Because she married this guy who was probs responsible for the explosion. And everrryone suspected her now and she had to give up the throne to her husband. Who was named James.

So basically she got fired.

And then her hubby got sent to prison and hung out with Mr. Rack’s cousin. He doesn’t have a name, because he’s only half a pole. Now what’s so bad about that? NO, NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT’S FOR. He had to stand next to it and he was chained to it. FOR TEN YEARS. Now, that’s not HORRIBLE, but it was only half his height. Which means he had to squat next to it. FOR TEN YEARS.

Also, Mary was in Prison too but she didn’t have the whole pole derps stuff. And she had tried to escape twice. Once in a disguise, but that didn’t work.

And then she tried to escape with some buddies, which actually did work. So she fled to England to find Elizabeth. BECAUSE WHO ELSE.

Actually it makes a lot of sense. Because Elizabeth was her cousin. But they had never really met. But it was kinda an awkward situation, because at first she was like “Y U COME TO ENGLAND.” but then right after she said that she was like “Come in~!” And that whole situation from a while back made it worse. And some thought that Mary should be queen instead of Elizabeth. And you had some people who were like “ANCESTORY” and some people were liek “CATHOLIC” and bleh blah bluh.

And with al these issues, stuff was weird. And a really failtastic trail was held to get to the bottom of Stewie’s death/murder. In England. Mary was not given a lawyer, and some letters were probably fake. So that whole plan of running away to England kinda backfired because she got in jail again.

herpin mah derp like yeuh.

Eventually, Elizabeth was all sad because she didn’t want to kill Mary but she had to so she did.

So basically the executioner did a really bad job and it took him THREE SWINGS TO KILL HER.

Uhh yeah.

So she died, and she died PAINFULLY. But not for very long, but still. Eww.

Eee uh. So yeah. The end?

A Sequel! (Finally.)

Ohgosh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh gosh.

YOU GUYS RUN.

RUN AWAY. SERIOUSLY. RUN.

IT’S...

IT’S...

Bloody Mary.

Butsoanyway.

She was the daughter of Henry VIII’s FIRST wife, and when she was about 8 Herny was like “If I WANT a new wife, I’ll HAVE one. All I have to do is start up a whole new Church its’ no big deal guiz.”

So Mary got to take a vacation! Kinda! To Spain! Yay! And Mary even got to take part in the Spanish Inquisition!

She was pretty much raised by her Grandparents FERDINAND AND ISABELLA. That means she got to be a Catholic and got to watch all the Inquisition-ness!

Fast forward to the end of Henry’s reign. His will said this Ed reigned first, THEN Mary. (Then Elizabeth but shes not important.


Yet.)

So Edward VI was King. He was protestant, but Mary was Catholic. And Ed had done a LOT to promote protestant shtuff. So he was being dead at 15, and while he was dying he was talked into going against Henry’s will and choose this protestant chick they found to be the next queen.

Her name was Lady Jane Grey. And apparently, he thought this was a good idea. But she didn’t really want to be queen. But she agreed to the plan, and eventually Mary heard about all this shtuff.

So lets go back to child hood!

Mary was never allowed contact with her mother. Henry was a big giant control freak about that. But so Henry wanted Mary to sign some papers about her being an illegitimate child, but she was lyk

oh man oh gosh oh man oh gosh if i do it then i’m an illegitimate child and i could die but if i dont then i’m messin with the king of england here oh man oh gosh oh man oh gosh.

But so she signed the papers. Which means she was an illegitimate child. Which means all the people were like “ILLEGITIMATE CHILD” and she was like D:

Mary also fought really bad headaches and was always weak because bloodletting. She also was locked in her room whenever her sister Elizabeth came over. And she wasn’t allowed to go to Mass, so they let her do it in her room instead. But soon they took that away from her.

...

*sniffle sniffle*

BACK TO LADY JANE GREY.

So she claimed the throne and was lyk “I’M QUEEN LULZ” then Mary was like “Ha ha no I’M THE QUEEN.”

England decided Mary should be queen, and so she was. This was really big, because England had been ruled by a single queen once before. But that was it.

But Mary was actually pretty cool. She lowered taxes and was nice to the poor and she improved to budged and she was actually a very nice, pleasant woman.

THEN SHE WANTED TO GET MARRIED.

To the king of Spain! Now, he was 11 years younger than Mary, but still. Then the rest of England was like DO NOT WANT. And Philip, her new husband, was everything Mary wanted. Young, Handsome, Spanish, Catholic, and Spanish. And Mary LOVED him.

However...

He didn’t really love her. He only stayed in England about a year after they married. Mary THOUGHT when he left that she was preggers, but that wasn’t right and she was sad because she haz no bby.

So Mary went into rage mode and kicked the protestant bishops out and replaced them with Catholic ones. She freed two of the Catholic bishops that were locked up, and put some Protestants in jail.

AND OGURL.

These bishops (The Catholic ones.) were Mary’s new advisers because Philip was busy being Spanish. Well what did they advise?

ARREST ALL THE PEOPLE!

So Mary pretty much cleared out anyone who threatened her reign.

And she also killed some people!

RUTHLESSLY!

There aren’t ANY ruths up in hur.

So one of her main advisor doods backed out of it because he wasn’t really into that line of buzznuzz.

And the whole bloody-scary-burny buzznuzz wasn’t really handled a whole lot by Mary. She allowed it, and she could have stopped it, but she was like “HA! I’M QUEEN!” and didn’t.

And the English HATED HER.

But so Philip came back and was like “Yo Mary START A WAR AGAINST FRANCE.”

And Mary was lyk “y.”

And then Philip was lyk “BECAUSE IT’S FRANCE.”

Then then Mary was lik “O ok let’s have a baby.”

Then Philip was like “wat”

Then Mary like like “WAR. and then bby.”

And Philip was like O_o

But!

They had the war, and lost their last city is France. Nice job guys!

By this time, Mary was pretty much INSANE. She liked to roll around on the floor and walk through the palace being all emo. And then she got real sick and called for Elizabeth.

Mary knew that Elizabeth was the next in line, and that Mary was a REALLY STRONG PROTESTANT.

And Mary didn’t want her work to be undone.

WELL GEE THIS SOUNDS KINDA FAMILIAR.

Anyway.

She basically said “Elizabeth ur allwd 2 mess with my Catholic shtuff here’s the crown.”

And Elizabeth was like “LOL K”

So yeah.

The end...?

BUMBUMBUMMM

lol titles who needs em

MORE SPANISH.

So this guy was at the Christopher Columbus parade! And he was like “WOOOOAH THIS GUY WENT TO THE NEW WOOOORLD OOOH~ AND OOOH THERE’S SOME PEOPLEEEE WITH HIM AND THEY’RE ALL INDIANSSSS AND THEY’RE ALMOST NAKEDDDD AND PRETTY JEWELRYYY.” And he was like 9 years old when he was like “WOOOOAH”.

But anyways. This guy’s name was Bartolome, but we’re gonna name him Bart.

Bart grew up SPAIN because Spain was rockin around the Renaissance. And he was a farmer and stuff. He went to America when he was about 18 and he was given a encomienda. ENCOMIENDA~!

Now what the heck is an encomienda?

I DUNNO LET’S FIND OUT.

You see, after the Spaniards settled down in ‘MERICUHH, they modeled the government after Spain. And the Spaniards still hard the feudal system. But they renamed the Feudal system for America the ENCOMIENDA SYSTEM~!

So basically they went over there and was like “HAI INDIANS. THIS LAND IS NOW MINE AND YOU’RE GONNA WORK FOR ME ON THIS LAND WHIC IS NOW MINE WHICH I JUST STOLE FROM YOU. I’M GONNA HIRE YOU AND LET YOU LIVE AND WORK ON MY LAND BECAUSE I’M A NICE GUY AND IT’S THE CHRISTIAN THING TO DO!”

“O BAI THU WAI WE’RE GONNA FORCE YOU INTO SLAVERY AND CHRISTIANITY KTHNXBAI NOW GET TO WORK~!”

Yeah.

And Yes, Spanish do yell. Always. That’s why I put everything they say in all caps.

But! So they were really nice and let the Indians work ALLLLL DAYYY from before the sun rose ‘till long after the sun set! And because they were in the deserty-area, that means it got really really hot during they day, and really cold at night! Also, they provided some really failtastic Christian tecahers to help the Indians learn why they were being loved SO MUCH.

Anyway.

So back to Bart!

He was given an Encomineda, but he wasn’t like most Slave drivers encomineda owners. He actually gave his back to the Governor, and he became an ordained priest by the Catholic Church. So he went and helped conquer Cuba, and for his serviced, he was given an...

ENCOMINEDA~!

(And Indians.)

This means the system was still alive and well, so he went over to whine and complain to the king of Spain. And the King of Spain was annoyed so he told him to go away for a few years and “research” the encominedas. So he did. But when he came back, there was a new king who was like “WELL PROVE HOW BAD THESE THINGS ARE.” And Bart wanted to try his way of doing things, so he did.

So Bart set up a little farming colony in Venezuela. Here, the Indians had more freedom. And I wish I could say everything went hunky-dorey, but it didn’t. It failed miserably. The people liked the old system better, because in the old system they didn’t have to work and they didn’t have to pay the Indians a whole lot. And they got free land.

Bart was sad. But he still didn’t stop helping the Indians. He joined the Dominicans and started writing about how bad the Indians were treated. And Mr. P-to-da-ope got wind of this and he thought Bart was right.

This was good, because the Spanish king was like Oh no it’s the Pope gotta agree with him.” So he signed up some new laws and shtuff. Basically it prohibited Indian slavery, and two years later, Bart was made a Bishop in Guatemala. However, Bart got the cold shoulder and everyone was like “PFFT FORGET THIS.” and they just went right along with their little encominedas. This really brought Bart down so he resigned as Bishop, but he kept-a pressin’ on.

DEBATE TIME!

So Bart won this Debate between him and another guy whose name I pronounce about as well as I can spell it. But still, the encomineda system kept on and did not stop for a while.

And Bart kept writing, and he was speaking at councils and kept on doin’ that kind of thing until he died.

...

So...

Yeah.

Depressing.

Pounce De Lion, MERICUH, Indians, Oh My!

If anyone is unable to laugh at themselves, I kindly ask that you leave now.

BECAUSE I’M WRITING ABOUT GOOD OL’ NORTH ‘MERICUHH.

Now when people went traveling around ‘MERICUH, they killed lots of people. Who did they kill? THE ONLY INHABITANTS, NATIVE NORTH AMERICANS.

Otherwise known as Indians. And for the sake of simplicity, we’re gonna call them that.

Those Dora the Explorers were all up in the ‘MERICUHH, and they nicknamed it the Land Of Opportunity. And the Indians were like “Yeah. OUR Lands of Opportunity.” But unfortunately, the Indians did not speak whatever language the explorers spoke so they could not express this opinion without, you know, some neighborly bloodshed.

SO THIS GUY. His name was Juan Pontc de Leon. Otherwise knows as Pants, because that’s how his second name is pronounced. He was from Spain, and he had travelled with our old buddy Chris. He settled down in Central America, and he was made Governor of PUERTO R-R-RICO~ And the PUERTO R-R-RICANS~ told him that up north there was a beautiful fountain that restored youth to the old and would give him the fountain of youth and awesomeness. Otherwise known as the Fountain of Youth. Annnd he believed it. So he hopped on a ship and sailed up north.

I’m guessing the PUERTO R-R-RICANS~ didn’t like Pants very much.

Anyways, Pants went on sailin’ up to Florida.

As we all should know is that there is no Fountain Of Youth on the coast of Florida. Pants actually named Florida, except the name was a little longer. Pants tried to start a colony, but that didn’t really work out. Because the Indians.

And soon, ERRYONE wanted to move into Florida. But Florida is nice. I like Florida.

Including the French!

So France sent some explorers, but they were actually looking for a passage to China. Still. ANYWAYS, Francis the First of France sent out a guy towards ‘MERICUH, looking for a shortcut to China. Because China had all the shtuff. Which France did not have, apparently.

And while the explorer guy was running around, he bumped into Canada and was like “Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there 4 MILLION SQUARE MILE MASS OF LAND.”

Anyways, this guy named Jacques Cartier sailed around Newfoundland and hung out around Quebec. And he met the Micmac (which is fun to say.) Who were horrible Indians who slaughtered him and his crew. ER, wait. Hang on.

No.

It’s exactly the opposite. They were wonderful people.

Anyways, so the guy met a lot of people and claimed the area for France by building a THIRTY FOOT TALL CROSS. And the Indians were confused with this. And they were like “Y u do diss.” So he lied and was like “IT’S A LAND MARK I MAKE IS SO BEUTIFUL.”

And that was the first mistake. But the Indians were like “Oh ok cool.” So he got best frands with the Chief and either jacked his kids or asked politely for his children. I dunno. Nobody does. Either way, they went on to France and taught them French and shtuff. He took them back to Quebec and gave them back to their dad. And on this trip, guy went and jacked Montreal. Sorta. He named it, at least. Er, he named the mountain. And he didn’t actually name it Montreal. He named it Mount Royal, which is kinda like Montreal.

So he didn’t really do a whole lot.

Anyways, Canada is really really REALLY cold. So he and his crew went on trekking through four foot deep snow, icey oceans, and the whole crew was nearly wiped out.

Herpderpfail.

So Jaqc jacked the chief and nine other peeps (Fo realz this time, he did really jack the person. It was a kidnapping. Chiefnapping.) with him to France. And the Chief was kinda ok with this apparently, because there wasn’t any protesting or anything. He wanted the Chief and his peeps to basically tell the king “HEY CANADA IS AWESOME AND GOLD.” But the Chief and peeps died shortly after reaching France.

So the guy went back on to Canada, although he was with a different crew and was not the captain. And the natives were angry. He lied and told them their chief was alive and well back in France, but that was a lie. And they thought it was a lie. So he left Canada AGAIN, which what he thought was heapin’ loads of diamond and gold. But it was actually quartz and fool’s gold. After this embarrassment, he was kinda like FORGET THIS and he hung his hat up and retired.

Now while Jaqc was all in the Canada, Some Spaniards were checking out North America. South North America. Meaning, Florida and Mississippi and shtuff. This was about 25 years after Pants, and this guy named Hernando was hanging out. He was so special he had a town named after him!

But he was really mean. He wanted gold and he thought it was a good idea to enslave the Native Americans! Because obviously, they’ve got gold, right?

WHERE DID HE LEARN THAT?

From the Indians!

Bleh. So he got a lot of people and dogs and stuff, but it’s kinda sad that he thought THAT far ahead. But he did also bring preachers and monks.

HERE, MY BLACKSMITH WILL MAKE A COLLAR AND CHAIN FOR YOU WHILE MY PREACHER TEACHES YOU ABOUT GOD’S LOVE.

Herpderp.

But so yew guiz remember the Incas? How they got wiped out and shtuff? Well this guy was involved with that. Yay~

So he got frands with some of the Indians because they were pagan, and then killed some others because they were pagan. And last I checked, the Bible did not say “THOU SHALT KILL SOME PAGANS YOU DON’T LIKE AND BE FRANDS WITH OTHER PAGANS YOU DO LIKE.”

(It doesn’t say either of those, baituhwai.)

HE THEN WENT TO FLORIDA. Mosquitoes, alligators, swamps, oh my! They nearly ate his men alive. All three of those things.

So he found some Indians and started killing them. Which was really really stupid, because they knew where the gold was.

Do you know where it was?

THERE WASN’T ANY. THERE’S NO GOLD IN FLORIDA.

So the Indians were like “OH YEAH THERE’S SOME GOLD JUST KEEP GOIN UP.” And he kept goin’ up and he kept not finding any.

Some people view Indians as stupid herpderps. They were actually pretty smart, apparently.

BUT They probably lied to him to get him to leave. Because bloodthirsty murderers aren’t very nice people to have around your village. Seriously.

However, the more stories of gold he heard, the more he wanted it. So eventually he wandered over Florida, Alabama, South Carolina, Mississippi, Tennessee, and Arkansas. Probably Georgia too.

Eventually, the guy died. So they buried him in an old Indian Mound.

And his men got really really scared. Because Hernando kinda told them that he was immortal. So they told the Indians that he just kinda disappeared. And so the crew just left because they didn’t really want to stay. So they hopped on the Mississippi River and sailed down to Mexico.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS THAT INDIANS ARE SMART AND THE PEOPLE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ADVENTURES DON’T REALLY LIKE YOU THAT MUCH AND WILL LEAVE AS SOON AS YOU DIE.


Now this last guy is named ~Fr-r-rancisco de Cor-r-ronado~. He was from England.

NO HE WAS FROM SPAIN WITH A NAME LIKE THAT SERIOUSLY WHERE ELSE WOULD HE BE FROM.

Anyways~!

He was over in the Texas-Oklahoma-Arizona area. And New Mexico. And like everyone else, he found some painfully smart Indians. AYY, THERE’S SOME CITIES DOWN SOMEWHERE MADE OUT OF GOLD AND JEWELS AND PRETTY.

Of course, this was a lie.

Of course, Fran believed it.

This legend went on long enough for Fran to get three hundred men to march through cacti and deserts and BUFFALO~. Eventually, they ended up in the Grand Canyon. And the Continental Divide. And no cities made of gold. So he felt really bad so he retired in Mexico City and was declared a failure. Like everyone else!

He was also later charged of poor treatment of Indians.

HERPDERPDERP. BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE WAS WONDERFUL TO THEM.

So yeah. This is just kinda the first part of a longlonglonglongLONG series on American history. GET READY.

No, Man, I'm Serious. She Did. I Don't Even Want to Know the Story.

So we’ve been talking about the Reformation. But we’ve only really looked at the reformists. What about the Catholics? What’d they think about it?

Well there was this guy. His name was Ignacius. He was from Spain. By the time he was 14, HE WAS A KNIGHT. He fell in love with the Queen, but that wasn’t gonna happen. Because she was the queen.

So he went out to war and herpderped and accidentally his legs. So he was in the hospital for a while for hopefully obvious reasons, which meant he read a lot. And he read a book about saints and stuff and he felt bad because all he had done was fight and live for himself and shtuff. So he decided he wanted to be a saint type person because he had a dreamyvision thingy Mary. So he sang that Lord’s Army song you sang when you were a little kid maybe.

AND SUDDENLY HOLY GRAIL.

But not like King Arthur did.

A little bit more like King Arthur.

He stopped by churches and prayed and confessed sin. He went all emo hipster mode because he did not shave like normal people, nor did he sleep, eat, or bathe like normal people. That’s the hipster part. And he also, you know, whipped himself. The times a day. At least.

Eventually, he let up a little on the whipping shtuff. Which was good. Because the whipping wasn’t.

But anyways!

After a year or so, he moved to Paris to preach. But nobody really wanted to follow him. He was arrested multiple times, and also questioned by the Inquisition for his odd behaviour.

Eventually, he got the money to go to college. And he had a roomie.

Who.

Was.

...

Not like Ignatius.

You see, his roomie Francis was rich, smart, good looking, has multiple girlfriends, and you get the idea.

Ignatius was not. The only thing that they had in common was that they both were from Spain.

So Francis and 5 other doods had a crazy spiritual conversion and they all went with Ignatius to a church or something and they all pledged to poverty and chasity and alliegence to...


...


...

The...

Mr. P-to-da-ope.


LOLWUT.


But so they had their little group called the Society of Jesus.

So y’all remember John Calvin? Neither do I. But so he called the Jesuits because he thought they talked about Jesus too much. But I don’t see how that was a problem.

But so they wanted to go to Jerusalem because the Muslims lived there. But that didn’t exactly work out because the Muslims were there.

So they went to Rome instead!

They did stuff like clean and cook and clean and clean. They asked Mr. P-to-da-ope Paul the Octopus to call them an official religious order. He approved the request about six years after they formed. Herpderpok.

The Jesuits were really really strict. All new recruits had to read the guys book he wrote called “Religious Exercises.” And then they had to practice said exercises for two years. And then they had to go to college for four years, and study theology for another four, preach for a year, and do general service for a year. That’s a total of TWELVE YEARS. They did not allow anyone to leave or stop the twelve year regimen.

O_o

After Ignatius died, there was a small sigh of relief because, well, I MEAN LOOK. HE WAS SO MONKEYING STRICT.

Francis also helped contribute a lot. He was a foreign missionary, which meant he went pretty much all over Asia herpderpin and preachin and stuff. However, he never got to go to China due to, well, death. His body was preserved and is in India. Well, most of it. Everything except for his right arm.

Because he baptised hundreds of people with that arm, it was severed at the elbow and sent off to Rome! It is on display today in some sorta ornate gold jewely prettiness. It wasn’t preserved very well, and it looks pretty gross to be honest. Meaning, I... Just go google it. GOOGLE FRANCIS XAVIER’S ARM.

So there was a council. THE COUNCIL OF TRENT. Basically all Protestant teachings were condemned. Thomas Aquinas was praised. This was kinda the Catholics’ way of saying “HEY. HEY GUYS. NANNER NANNER BO BOO.”

Yeeeah. That’s pretty much it.

Oh. Also. Francis’ toe was bitten off my a Portuguese noblewoman in the 16th century. Wonderful way to end a post, yeah?

Sneaky Little Polisticsss. Wicked, Tricksy, False!

Today, I received some horrible news.
You guys remember Paul the Octopus?
HE’S DEAD NOW.
Actually, he’s been dead for about a year. The one year anniversary was on the 26th of October.
BUT STILL, HIS NAME HAS LIVED ON, HAS IT NOT?
Yes, it has.
You know whose name has lived on too?
Niccolo Machiavelli.
...
Honestly, I’ve never heard of this guy. His name lives on as a political term.
I guess I’m just one of those weird homeschoolers or something.
Why would that be?
BECAUSE IT REFERS TO TRICKSEY DECEITFUL AND DISHONEST POLITICS, THAT’S WHY.
So we can only assume that Niccolo was similar.
BUT.
As you can probably tell, Nic was a full-blooded Italian. He came from Florence. And by now, you guys should know how Florence worked. Lots of men running around painting other men and sculting other men and writing and painting and sculpting and FASHION DESIGNING FABULOUS.
So at the time Nic was around, Lorenzo was around for a little bit.
AND THEN ROLA.
but only for about 6 years.
And the remaining Medicis were overthrown.
So here is where Nic comes in.
He was hired to work for Florence. The Renaissance was in full swing by now.
So Nic was working in Politics and government stuffz. He worked for a man named Cesare Borgia.
Now let’s take a look at Cesare’s family.
THE BORGIAS.
They were a a ~sinister~ clan from Spain, and they HATED the Medicis. (Mark one.)
DUH DUH DUHHH.
They were very rich and powerful, and one of them was a Pope. A really bad Pope. He has lots of children.
Not wifes. Or a wife. (two)
Multiple children.
AND CASARE WAS ONE OF THEM. (three)
So he was like triple bad.
And, of course, he decided to go for the fourth bad by being charming, good looking, intelligent, and was a PARTAY ANIMUHHHL. (fourrr.)
He took advantage of his father’s position (five.) to get things he wanted (six).
Because of his father, Cesare was appointed as a cardinal in the church. However, he soon grew weary of church buzznuzz. (seven.)
So he got his father to get him out of the position. (eiiiight.)
He also went on long. Expensive. Journeys. (nine.) Which were more exciting than his marriage, if you catch my drift. (TEN.)
He shot prisoners for sport as well. (Eleven?)
And...
EW.
EWEWEWEW.
He was in love with his sister. (TWELVE.)
And so he murdered her husband. (Thirteen.)
He also murdered a lot of other people, but hey. Let’s just count that as one. (FOUR. TEEN.)
Also, he was jealous because his brother was a soldier. So he murdered him. (fifteen.)
FIF.
TEEN.
FIFTEEN.
FIFTEEN BAD MARKS.
So he was pretty much evil.
AND IT WAS THIS SCARY EVIL DOOD THAT NIC WORKED FOR.
So he watched in his position he held for fourteen years as Cesare got everything he wanted. However, Cesare did not last fourteen years.
For Florence, it was good riddance. So the Medicis came back, and Nic was arrested. And not only was he arrested, but he was tortured and sentenced for exile. It was not a fun place.
Nic really really wanted Italy to be a country, not a bunch of city-states. He wanted to be like Spain, England, and France.
So while dood was in exile, he began to write.
HE WROTE ESSAYS.
He wrote a particularly long essay on how to solve the problems of Italy. It was about how the power of one person could shape an entire nation. Guess who one of the role-models was for this?
Cesare.
OH, nevermind that he was a ruthless murderer! Nevermind that he was a Renaissancian gangster! Nevermind that he was probably insane!
Let’s take a quote.
“It is far better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both.”
“A prince should not deviate from what is good, but he should know how to do evil if it is necessary.”
“Violence should be inflicted, once for all.”
“Princes, who have achieved great things, have given their word lightly, have known how to trick men with cunning, and have overcome those abiding by honest principles.”
ASDFKHGKHN
ASDFGHJJKL
ZXCVBNM,
DFHJBASLKVHQBI
IS THIS GUY /INSANE/?
WHAT.
WHAT.
WHATWHATWHAT.
So this al summed up:
IF YOU’RE A JERKFACE, YOU’RE GONNA GO FAR.
asdfghbcvbt63zh
NOW BEFORE WE MAKE NIC SOUND ANY WORSE (if that’s possible?)
Historians do not agree on if it’s a fo rhulz essay. If it was a satire or not.
Some people think it’s simply an observation. Not how he believed, but just what he saw.
But as you can guess, many a dictator has appreciated these works.
Genius decided to send the Medicis a copy.
The didn’t like it, and he stayed in exile.
He also wrote ANOTHER essay, which totally contradicted the first one.
I’m thinkin’ he just hated exile, so he decided to try and write whatever would get him in good with the Medicis.
He also wrote things other than political stuff. He wrote history, poetry, and comedy.
wut.
I don’t know, he just doesn’t seem like a very humorous guy.
BUT.
His name lives on, even if it was supposed to used in the way it is or not.
If that makes sense.

THE FINAL INSTALLEMENT (fo' realz this time.)

LOLOLOL THAT’S WAS FUNNY HOW I DROPPED YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Ok
So.
More Christopher Columbus~!
So he had ANOTHER voyage. With his brother, Christ and... His brother started the first European colony in UMERCUH.
Ok so it actually wasn’t UHMERCUH. It was actually Haiti. Butso Chris and his buddies decided to take the Haitians as slaves. And the Haitians couldn’t really decline because Chris had guns and horses. They tried, buttt unfortunatelyyy, Chris did not resolve the conflict peacefully. He decided to just kill a buncha people to get everyone in order.
And somewhere along the way, Chris started demanding gold every three months. Oh! Also, those who did pay him had cute little bronze bracelets. And those who didn’t got their arms lopped off! Yayyy!
So he went back home to Spain. He told everyone how awesome it was that he took all these people in to Slavery and chopped off their arms and everyone just kinda stared at him.
Sooo Chris went on ANOTHER journey. He went over to Venezuela. He called it the Other World because he couldn’t call it the New World becuase there already was a New World. So Isabella and Ferdinand sent new help with him to go back to the colony where he was CUTTING PEOPLE’S ARMS OFF and he got arrested. The new help took charge, and Chris sat in chains. He was sent back to Spain as a prisoner, and Isabella freed him and fired the leader of the colony back in Haiti.
Chrissy claimed that his trips were the fulfillment of Isiah’s prophecy to share the gospel message with those who had not seen God’s glory. Well, that’s nice.
So Chris took yet ANOTHER VOYAGE. So this time he dragged his son along with him. In fact, a lot of the crew were teenagers. They were going to try to find a passage through UHMERCUH. Of course it didn’t really exist. But Chris knew there was another ocean SOMEWHERE, but he was never able to prove that he was right.
So this was the most difficolt most chalenging hardest voyage yet. They ate their food at night so that they wouldn’t have to see the worms in it. EWEWEW. Their clothes were always soaked. And they had a few problems with the natives.... There was some bloodshed. Chris’s faith got kinda fuzzy. They got marooned in Jamaica and a ship came to help them. When he got back to Spain, Isabella was too sick to meet with him. Ferdinanad wasn’t gonna give him more money (HMMIWONDERWHY). So Chris died alone.
Ok, so, America was not even named after Christopher Columbus. It was named after Amerigo Vespucci. He was Italian.
So.
Uhm.
Yeah.
That was uber anti-climatic compared to our last lessons.
But whatevar~!

A LIAR AND A THEIF AND A SPY AND A TROLL.

Today, my friends, this is about....
THE LIAR.
THE FAKER.
THE TROLL.
THE.
THE...
THE FAKE DISCOVERER OF AMERICA.
Ok. So. Christopher Columbus SAID he discovered America first. BUT THAT IS... A LIE. Christopher Columbus’s life was FULL of mystery and riddles.
OGURL.
A lot of people disagree about his geneology. WHO WAS HE RELATED TO? WHERE DID HE COME FROM? WHO IS THIS lying MAN?
Also, where exactly did he land? DID HE EVEN LAND? DID HE EVEN LAND IN AMERICA? ~NOBODY KNOWS~
And what about his faith? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A CHRISTIAN. BUT A LOT OF ACTIONS CONTRADICTED THEMSELVES. WAS HE REALLY A CHRISTIAN? HE WAS A LIAR. THAT’S WHAT HE WAS.
Christopher Columbus wrote in his diary (tee hee~ :3) that he was born in Genoa, Italy. A buncha history books claim that Chris was Italian.
BUT SOME PEOPLE THINK HE WAS GREEK. THERE IS EVIDENCE THAT HE WAS GREEK. HE COULD HAVE BEEN A SPANISH JEW. HE COULD HAVE BEEN PORTUGUESE. THERE’S EVIDENCE FOR ALL OF IT. HE’S A LIAR.
Whatever he was, he SURE AS MONKEYS WASN’T ITALIAN.
In factttt...
HE WAS PROBABLY A SPY TOO.
A PORTUGAL SPY. FOR THE KING.
BECAUSE HE WAS SENT TO SPAIN TO LURE SPANISH SOLDIERS AWAY FROM AFRICA BECUZ IT WAS THE PORTUGUESE'S TRADE ROUTES..
But no 4srs that’s a legit theory.
And Christopher Columbus isn’t like one of those names like Cosimo de’Medici.
AND THERE IS EVEN EVIDENCE THAT HE CHANGED. HIS. NAME.
Isn’t that really suspicious? Like, really weird?
SPIES CHANGE THEIR NAMES ALL THE TIME. AMIRITE?
Chris (if that’s even his real name!) used the name Cristoval Colon. Sometimes, Cristoval is spelled Cristobal.
OGURL.
Also, there aren’t any pictures of Chris. NONE. NO PORTRAITS. Any of the pictures you see today were not painted when he was alive.
ISN’T THAT KINDA WEIRD?
WHO EXACTLY WAS CHRIS?
Also, he has a weird signature. Because it was made up of GREEK AND LATIN LETTERS IN THE SHAPE OF A PYRAMID ON FOUR LINES
Check it:

Uhmyeah.
That’s...
weird.
IT’S KINDA SUSPICIOUS.
NOBODY REALLY SPOKE GREEK OR LATIN.
NOBODY KNOWS WHY HE DID IT LIKE THAT.
And the last line “xpo ferens” means “Christ Bearer”
Yeah. That doesn’t make any sense.
BUT IN 1492 CHRIS SAILED THE OCEAN BLUE.
So a lot of people believe that he sailed west to just kinda go around the world and get to the east. Why did he want to go to the east? Because China, Japan, and India had silkkk and spicesss and gemmms and gollld. AND BECAUSE PRESTER JOHN.
Chris called his adventure the “Enterprise to the Indies”
Also, he was not the creator of the idea of sailing west to go east.
SO HE WAS A THIEF TOO. A LIAR AND A THIEF AND A SPY AND A TROLL.
So Chis needed some money. So King John (HIS SPYMASTER) had gotten an appeal from Chris. John turned him down. HMMTHAT’SODD. Ok so then he asked Isabella and Ferdinand (muhmeber them?)
BUT DID JOHN REALLY TURN DOWN CHRIS? DID HE USE HIM AS A DECOY? Because without funding from King John, he got a lot of Spain’s money. And without money, they couldn’t support their troops. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Ohyeah~
Ok.
Back to business.
So Chris had moved to Spain. Bella and Ferd had funded him. So it actually took Chris SIX YEARS OF BEGGING to get his funding. Hmm. IT SOUNDS LIKE HE WAS REALLY DETERMINED. WHY DIDN’T HE PLEAD WITH JOHN? HMM? WHY? THAT’S A BIT ODD.
So after 6 years years, Isabella, who was the same age as Chris, Shared her... zealousness to go to sea. So Isabella convinced Ferd to fund him. After Isabella convinced him, Chris got the monkey outta Spain.
I WONDER IF ISABELLA SHARED ANYTHING ELSE WITH HIM HMMM IT’S A BIT ODD DON’TCHA THINK.
So Chris had some ships and 90 men. Three shrips. The Santa Claus, the
Piñata, and the Nunya.
So they set sail. The Nunya and Piñata were smaller than the Santa Claus, but they were easy to steer. They were captained by some brothers. THE PINZON BROTHERS
The Santa Claus was kinda awkward to manage, but it was 7 feet long and 12 feet wide. So they were really tiny. He called himself the “Admiral” of his “fleet”. His fleet of... three ships? None of which were that big? Oh whatever. So the brothers and Chris sailed out. They stopped at the Canary Islands, which is right off the coast of Africa.

So then they left after they stocked up. For three days they could still see land on the horizon, but after that, they could only see ocean. OGURL. And it was THREE. WEEKS. Before they saw land again. So Chris had a lot of faith in that time, but his crew was getting really tired. Chris LIED and said that they weren’t far from land.
LIAR.
LIAR LIAR PANTS OF FIRE.
So he kept two diaries. A fake one, and a legit one. On September 9th, he confessed in his legit journal that he had been lying. The fake info was not enough to keep them from getting mutinous. So at the start of the third week, they started spazzin out. Chris said, “YO, GUYS, JUST A FEW MORE DAYS. DON’T. WORRY.” But Boy-who-cried-wolf mode went on. They started thinking about throwing Chris overboard. Some thought he had a SECRET MAP THAT TOLD HIM WHERE TO GO.
Oooo THAT’S REALY WEIRD.
Because his crew had seen little glimpses of land, they were really worried.
HMM THAT’S WEIRDDD.
Also, he caught a lot of odd winds.
So they were getting really really close to land. Chris said that for the first person person who saw land got a shipment of gold and silk. That got everyone excited. They saw birds. they saw twigs. But no land. BUT THEN SOMEONE SAW IT. You know who saw land first? Chris saw land first. So he got himself a shipment.
AND THEN THEY GOT THERE.
Chris named where he landed San Salvador. That means Holy Savior. So they got to land. They were greeted by the Natives, and Chris gave them some bonnets and beads.
BUT! FOR NOW, I MUST GO. SOON, WE WILL TALK ABOUT THE REST OF HIS VOYAGE. AND... HIS LOSS OF REPUTATION.
(bambambammm!)

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

Ok. So. Everyone knows who Christopher Columbus is.
But he isn’t what this lesson is about.
THIS IS ABOUT THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
What was the Spanish Inquisition? It was a court for ratting out Heretics. Gee, haven’t heard that one before.
So the Spanish Inquisition was not a fun place.
At this time in history, Spain was not all nice and unified. It was kinda like Italy, but it was different. If that makes sense. It had royal family rules instead of rich peeps.
Well Ferdinand was prince of Aragon, and Isabella was princess of Castile. Isabella went to church and was good and went on Sunday morning and nights and Wednesday night and al that jayazz.
SO FERDINAND AND ISABELLA GOT MARRIED. Now it was political and arranged and all, but it was still sweet. They really loved each other, and it was good and nice and sweet.
Aragon and Castile were already the largest kingdoms in Spain. Now they were, together, LIKE A MEGA ULTRA KINGDOM THING. Spain was in it’s golden age anyhoos, so Arstile was amazing.
...
Uhm.
Casgon?
Aragoncastile?
Castagon.
There.
That sounds good.
Ok.
But so Spain is great. It has scholars and painters and all that. Woop woop.
SO.
Suddely THE RECONQUISTA.
Which means all the Christians drove the Mooselums down to the south of Spain

So Ferdinand and Isabella were raising money to fight them. However, they were getting a little extreme. They drove out anyone who opposed Christianity, which was not just Mooselums.
So that’s what started the Spanish Inquisition.
So it wasn’t really a thing, it was... Uh... A... Thing. A process, if you will.
The inquisition was how they drove the people out.
What they did was put people on trial. They would have to prove their guilt or innocence with crimes against the church. The idea goes wayyy back, but still.
The system was modeled after a court that the Dominicans used. They carried banners that said “Mercy” and “Justice”. They got a little carried away with the Justice bit though. They used. Very. Harsh. Measures.
As did Ferdinand and Isabella. They put their court in the hands of Tomas De Torquemada. We’ll name him Tom. He was Isabella’s childhood priest and a Dominican Friar who thought there wasn’t a thing wrong with the court system.
Oh! Also!
He thought there was nothing wrong with torturing people to make them confess their sins against the church.
So you’re pretty much gonna die either way.
On his behalf though, someone said that he thought he was saving people from eternal punishment by punishing them on earth.

So there were a lotta Jews in Spain. These Jews had a few choices when it came to faith: Convert to Islam and die. Convert to Christianity and live. Don’t convert and die.
So a lot of them decided that they’d convert to Christianity. Well, some didn’t convert fo realz, and they just practiced Judaism underground. Most of them were arrested, put on trial, and put to death, but others went on about their way.
Soon, Ferdinand and Isabella made Persecution even worse. They signed what is called the Edict of Expulsion. Expulsion does not sound like a fun word, does it? No. No it does not. Explusion means to be expelled. The Jews had 3 months to Leave Spain or be baptized.
So a lot of people decided to leave. As in, 800,000 people. Now I don’t know how many people were in ancient Spain, but when 800,000 people up and leave, that effects a country. All of these people took their businesses, left a ton of jobs, they spent some money to get out of the country, and Spain was hurt really bad.
So despite all of this, Ferdinand and Isabella were pretty great people. They sponsored Christopher Columbus, they were great rulers, and they had some pretty good ideas about the futtturee~!
So uhm.
Yeah.
The end~!