No, Man, I'm Serious. She Did. I Don't Even Want to Know the Story.

So we’ve been talking about the Reformation. But we’ve only really looked at the reformists. What about the Catholics? What’d they think about it?

Well there was this guy. His name was Ignacius. He was from Spain. By the time he was 14, HE WAS A KNIGHT. He fell in love with the Queen, but that wasn’t gonna happen. Because she was the queen.

So he went out to war and herpderped and accidentally his legs. So he was in the hospital for a while for hopefully obvious reasons, which meant he read a lot. And he read a book about saints and stuff and he felt bad because all he had done was fight and live for himself and shtuff. So he decided he wanted to be a saint type person because he had a dreamyvision thingy Mary. So he sang that Lord’s Army song you sang when you were a little kid maybe.

AND SUDDENLY HOLY GRAIL.

But not like King Arthur did.

A little bit more like King Arthur.

He stopped by churches and prayed and confessed sin. He went all emo hipster mode because he did not shave like normal people, nor did he sleep, eat, or bathe like normal people. That’s the hipster part. And he also, you know, whipped himself. The times a day. At least.

Eventually, he let up a little on the whipping shtuff. Which was good. Because the whipping wasn’t.

But anyways!

After a year or so, he moved to Paris to preach. But nobody really wanted to follow him. He was arrested multiple times, and also questioned by the Inquisition for his odd behaviour.

Eventually, he got the money to go to college. And he had a roomie.

Who.

Was.

...

Not like Ignatius.

You see, his roomie Francis was rich, smart, good looking, has multiple girlfriends, and you get the idea.

Ignatius was not. The only thing that they had in common was that they both were from Spain.

So Francis and 5 other doods had a crazy spiritual conversion and they all went with Ignatius to a church or something and they all pledged to poverty and chasity and alliegence to...


...


...

The...

Mr. P-to-da-ope.


LOLWUT.


But so they had their little group called the Society of Jesus.

So y’all remember John Calvin? Neither do I. But so he called the Jesuits because he thought they talked about Jesus too much. But I don’t see how that was a problem.

But so they wanted to go to Jerusalem because the Muslims lived there. But that didn’t exactly work out because the Muslims were there.

So they went to Rome instead!

They did stuff like clean and cook and clean and clean. They asked Mr. P-to-da-ope Paul the Octopus to call them an official religious order. He approved the request about six years after they formed. Herpderpok.

The Jesuits were really really strict. All new recruits had to read the guys book he wrote called “Religious Exercises.” And then they had to practice said exercises for two years. And then they had to go to college for four years, and study theology for another four, preach for a year, and do general service for a year. That’s a total of TWELVE YEARS. They did not allow anyone to leave or stop the twelve year regimen.

O_o

After Ignatius died, there was a small sigh of relief because, well, I MEAN LOOK. HE WAS SO MONKEYING STRICT.

Francis also helped contribute a lot. He was a foreign missionary, which meant he went pretty much all over Asia herpderpin and preachin and stuff. However, he never got to go to China due to, well, death. His body was preserved and is in India. Well, most of it. Everything except for his right arm.

Because he baptised hundreds of people with that arm, it was severed at the elbow and sent off to Rome! It is on display today in some sorta ornate gold jewely prettiness. It wasn’t preserved very well, and it looks pretty gross to be honest. Meaning, I... Just go google it. GOOGLE FRANCIS XAVIER’S ARM.

So there was a council. THE COUNCIL OF TRENT. Basically all Protestant teachings were condemned. Thomas Aquinas was praised. This was kinda the Catholics’ way of saying “HEY. HEY GUYS. NANNER NANNER BO BOO.”

Yeeeah. That’s pretty much it.

Oh. Also. Francis’ toe was bitten off my a Portuguese noblewoman in the 16th century. Wonderful way to end a post, yeah?

PUMA BLOOD.

So in all of our posts, we’ve looked at a ton’a places. China, Japan, France, England, Spain, Germany, New Zealand, Zimbabwe. We’re studied a LOT.
So let’s back up.
A few 1,000 years ago, Asia and north America had a LAY-UND BRI-UDGE.
Said lay-und bri-udge was either a result of the ice age or it just didn’t get broken apart.
So there have been people in America for a long time. However, South America did not really have a lot of written language. That is, until the 1400s.
Wow.
History has FLOWN past.
BUTBACKONTRACK.
In 1438 there merged an Empire. IT was SO BIG and SO RICH that it made a mark on history. Now do you think they went from being all DERPYHOOVES (brohoof to my bronies. I know you’re out there.) to MMM YES MY GOOD CHAP SHALL YE COME OVAH FOR TEA THIS FINE EVE’ MMM QUITE.
No.
Not at all.
So there was a very dry desert. Don’t ask me what this has to do with the DERPIRE, but mom just started talking about it.
So past the uberdry desert, there was a really big and really long mountain range named the Andes Mountains. And past the Andes mountains, there was the largest rainforest. In. The. World. THE AMAZON~ And it was the Inca’s homeland. The man who is given most credit for founding the Inca Empire is named.. Pachacuti. Pronounced... PAT-YA-COOTIE. LOLOLOLOL. Ok. Sorry. Had to get that out.
But anyways, Pacha didn’t really deserve this. He didn’t even found the empire! The guy wasn’t even supposed to be an Emperor! He was a warrior though and was an ambitious guy. He was a hero and a warrior prince. He was the Emperor’s BROTHER. He expanded the kingdom. A lot. You know what he did to celebrate? He drank corn beer. Ok. Decent celebra-
FROM THE SKULLS OF HIS ENEMIES.
...
..
.
Uhm....
Ok.
WELL THEN HE TOOK THE THRONE OF HIS BROTHAH. So instead of making enemies of those who he conquered, he made bestfrans and the Inca culture learned a tonna stuff.
You know, you can go and kill the leader and drink corn beer from their skulls and have a grand time, but you want to be bestfrans and they be all lyk “OKOK LOOK AT THIS BRICK ISN’T IT WONDERFUL PLZ DON’T KILL ME MISTER D:”
Well Pacha was kinda tired now. HE deicded he was going to tone it down a bit and go built their capital city. Named. Cuzco.

OHMYGOSH. I JUST GOT IT. CUZCO... PACHA. ASDF. REALIZATION.
But anyways.
Cuzco, in the native language of the Incas meant... BELLYBUTTON.
Or Naval. If you want to be boring. I PREFER BELLYBUTTON.
If you saw Cuzco from above, you would see that it was shaped. Like. A. Puma.
Over near the head, it was zig zag walls to look like teeth. They were so well laid that they still stand.
In the body of the puma were really nice streets. In the middle was a temple.
In the tail was a temple to the got of the Sun. Not the Left Handed Hummingbird god of war and the sun, but just the god of the sun.
There was a special section for the Emperor that was very. Well. Guarded. Pacha made himself out to be a sort of god, so he didn’t want to screw that up by hanging out with the normal folkz. And nobody could look at him.
His spit was gathered as a treasure, and they. Ate. His. Hair. ... .. .
He wore an elaborate new outfit every day. He had the LARGEST ear plugs in the kingdom.
HE MARRIED HIS SISTER.
But he also allowed himself hundreds of other wives.
trolololo.
He had a special garden with lotsa gold. There was gold everywhere in the palace. Gold throne. Walls of gold. Plants of gold and animals of gold and a buncha stuff.
The sun was very special to the Incas. Pacha made worship of the sun an official religion.
One of the most important holy sites was called Titicaca. It was a lake- wait.
PSHAAAHAHAHAHA LOLOLOL TITTICACA.
Ok.
I’m done.
Titicaca was a lake that was at the top of the Andes. It has 25 islands, and one of them is named the Island of the Sun. The air is so thin that you can barely breathe. The emperor came every year to pay tribute.
So there was an Island of the Sun, so there was an island of the moon. They were selected specially because they were the most beautiful. They were trained to be priestesses. However, some of the most beautiful were selected to wives to the emperor or the be given to other tribes. Girls not chosen to be on the Island of the Moon were destined for a peasant life.
D:
Anyways.
Pacha was kinda like a Julius Ceaser in South America.
In his special little get away, he built an extravagant temple. It was more beautiful than Cuzco. 1,000 of the most elite nobility worked there, and he made sure that the most exotic food were served to them. One of these being the Coca leaf. From which Cocane is derived.

"Hey! You got your blog in my judgement!"
"Hey! You got your judgement in my blog!"
They chewed coca leaves because it “soothed their aliments and relieved their exhaustion.”
This building of Pacha’s was very unique and very elaborate. Thankfully, it was untouched and undiscovered by by Spanish explorers.
As skilled as the Incas were, they did not make use of wheels, horses, or money. Yep. No wheels for these guys. Or horses. Or... money...

Every traveler walked on foot, or was carried by people. lulz.
For heavy loads, people used llamas or alpacas. However, Alpacas and llamas cannot carry more than 100 pounds though. POOR LLAMA D:
They had a very interesting system of counting. A very interesting and intricate system of counting.
If you were lucky enough to be JUST MARRIED~ in the Inca empire, then you were exempt from paying taxes for a whole year. Divorce was forbidden, and adultery was punishable by death. Many other crimes were punishable by death. How were they executed? By getting pushed off a cliff.
Eeew.
They had their own... odd rituals though. With the dead, when they were mummified, were mummified in a... sitting position. So they could be present. At. Banquets. And to be paraded through. The. City.
ASDFEEEW.
The Inca empire, at it’s high, had 10-12,000,000. However, the Spanish crushed them down to about 1,000,000. There are still Incas today, and they continue to farm and weave just like they did about 600 years ago.
THE EU-UND!~