just ignore me please kthnxbai.

So we’ve been all over Scotland and we’re all “HAI SCOTLAND WATS UP” and Scotland’s been like “reformation and queens and bleh whats wif you?”

So Mary! Queen of Scots!

Technically, she was 1 week old when she began her rule. Herpin ma derp like yeuh. So her Mom, who was French, was like “Oh yeah, yeah, my daughter is ruliiing ha ha ha yeahhh.” Because it was totally the baby who was making all of the political decisions. And when she was about 5 years old, she got shipped off to France! Which was terrifying. But after she got there it wasn’t really that bad.

But then the Queen of France. Catherine de Medici~! Yes, that de Medici. THE DE MEDICIS. FROM ITALY.

Anyway, so her son was kinda set up to marry Mary. But neither Catherine or Mary were hip on this idea. Catherine didn’t like Mary’s family, and Mary’s family wanted the French throne. And Francis, the guy who was going to be married to Mary, was kinda lame. And so Mary the marry marriage Mary Catherine Francis Mary marriagemarriagemarriage power Francis marriage power hate. Because it’s all really confusing.

BUT BASICALLY EVERYONE HATED EACH OTHER.

Except for Mary and Francis. They loved each other. BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT, RIGHT? THIS IS A MARRIAGE, NOT A ~MARRIAGE!~

But they got married anyway?

And it was all pretty and in a big church and it was all fancy and they loved each other and it was sweet. And everyone was happy for a little bit, because they were nice and it was both a political marriage, and they really did love each other.

THEN SOMEONE WENT AND DIED AND MADE EVERYONE SAD AGAIN.

But then Francis, Mary’s new husband, was king. Because his dad had died. Which means Mary was Queen of France.

And for some reason WAY BEYOND ME, some people also thought she was the Queen of England. And everyone was happy was because they were so sweet and they were the King and Queen of France and it was all happy.

EXCEPT FOR CATHERINE. Who enjoyed being a big dark storm cloud on a beautiful blue sunny sky :D

And Catherine was mad because her daughter in law was better than her in every single way.

THEN FRANCIS DIED. When he was 18. Two years into their marriage.

This means she was no longer Queen of France. Which is sweet, horrible, WONDERFUL IRONY if you ask me.

Because Catherine was like “I DUN WAN YEW TUH BEE QWEEEEEN.”

Annnd then Mary’s mom died in Scotland.

So she left France and hung out over there, where she was still Queen. So she hopped a boat and got outta there. But not without some weird sappy “GOODBYE, MY LOVE~” chickflick action while she was sailing away.

And then she got home. She was about SIX FEET TALL, and she had LONG SLENDER ARMS, with WHITE PALE SKIN, _{and she had dark hair and eyes but forget about that if you know who/what i’m referring to here brownie points for youuu~!} AND SHE ARRIVED WHEN IT WAS RAINING.

O_o

However, she liked to play golf and go outside and shtuff instead of talk about religion and politics. But she did ask if she could have Mass in her room and they were like “SURE WHY NOT”

So she traveled around Scotland and hung out wif her peeps and dey waz lyk “WATS HAPPININ MAH SISHTA” but then the Son of Philip II was like “MARRIAGEMARRIAGEMARRIAGE SOMETHING COOL IN SPANISH”

But then word got out about this arrangement, and John Knox was like “I’M GONNA SPEAK FOR MARY AND SAY NO.” Because nobody wanted a Catholic Spaniard for their King.

So John Knox met up with Mary and he was like “NO.” and Mary was like “but wai” And John was like “CUZ.” and Mary was all “u treason persunn”

Now he was never really convicted of treason, but Marry never married the marriage that Philip the Marriage son marriage person son. BUT SHE DIDN’T.

But then she...

SHE MARRIED HER COUSIN.

His name was Lord Henry Steward. Who we shall name Stewie. Even though he was known as Lord Darnley. But he was a really bad husband. Because he wasn’t a very good king and he liked other women better. Sooo she met this Italian musician who was her... “Private Secretary.”

Yeah.

They spent too much time together. And while they were EATING SUPPER TOGETHER (they really were only eating supper. I promise.) Lord Darnley and some goons came and killed him right in front of Mary.

BUT WAIT.

So Mary was freakin out for hopefully obvious reasons. She ran away for hopefully obvious reasons, and she gave birth to Darnley’s son. Herpderp.

His name was James. As in, King James Bible. He wrote it. Er, well, not wrote, but you know.

Then some suspicious series of events happened. Darnley got really sick and Mary visited him every night in the hospital. Anddd when she left to go to a wedding party, a LARGE STASH OF GUNPOWDER EXPLODED. However, you’d think they wouldn’t find any Darnley. But instead, they found him naked and strangled in the courtyard?

wat.

Since nothing was ever traced directly to Mary, she never really got in trouble. But a lot of fingers were pointed when she got married THREE MONTHS LATER.

Which was a mistake. Because she married this guy who was probs responsible for the explosion. And everrryone suspected her now and she had to give up the throne to her husband. Who was named James.

So basically she got fired.

And then her hubby got sent to prison and hung out with Mr. Rack’s cousin. He doesn’t have a name, because he’s only half a pole. Now what’s so bad about that? NO, NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT’S FOR. He had to stand next to it and he was chained to it. FOR TEN YEARS. Now, that’s not HORRIBLE, but it was only half his height. Which means he had to squat next to it. FOR TEN YEARS.

Also, Mary was in Prison too but she didn’t have the whole pole derps stuff. And she had tried to escape twice. Once in a disguise, but that didn’t work.

And then she tried to escape with some buddies, which actually did work. So she fled to England to find Elizabeth. BECAUSE WHO ELSE.

Actually it makes a lot of sense. Because Elizabeth was her cousin. But they had never really met. But it was kinda an awkward situation, because at first she was like “Y U COME TO ENGLAND.” but then right after she said that she was like “Come in~!” And that whole situation from a while back made it worse. And some thought that Mary should be queen instead of Elizabeth. And you had some people who were like “ANCESTORY” and some people were liek “CATHOLIC” and bleh blah bluh.

And with al these issues, stuff was weird. And a really failtastic trail was held to get to the bottom of Stewie’s death/murder. In England. Mary was not given a lawyer, and some letters were probably fake. So that whole plan of running away to England kinda backfired because she got in jail again.

herpin mah derp like yeuh.

Eventually, Elizabeth was all sad because she didn’t want to kill Mary but she had to so she did.

So basically the executioner did a really bad job and it took him THREE SWINGS TO KILL HER.

Uhh yeah.

So she died, and she died PAINFULLY. But not for very long, but still. Eww.

Eee uh. So yeah. The end?

Uhmmm SUPER WITTY SUBJECT TITLE I GUESS?

So you guiz know Mary Queen of Scots?

WELL YOU’RE NOT GONNA READ ABOUT HER.

You’re gonna read about her arch enemy, John Knox!

You have three guesses as to why. YES, IT WAS CATHOLIC VS. PROTESTANT SHTUFF. Mary was Catholic. John was not. And to mess things up even more, Mary’s mother was a French Catholic. Her cousin was the HEAD OF THE ENGLISH CHURCH. So Mary had some really weird roots.

But Knox can have weird roots too! He was raised catholic. But somewhere along the way he fell down a flight of stairs and sense was knocked into him.

Well not really but he did go to Catholic school but came out Protestant. However that works. And he was a really really strong one. He had a little preacher friend and he was basically his bodyguard. Because Scotland was Catholic at the time.

Like, srs. A few were captured and burned at the stake. One of these being John’s little preacherfran. Apparently, John did not do a very good job :|

This left a mark on John. Because after you watch someone you guard with your life burn to death, that is a little source of trauma in your every day life. So John and some other nobles took revenge!

ON THE ARCH BISHOP.

Which wasn’t good, but nobody really liked him anyway. So they just killed him and took over his castle. John wasn’t really into the whole revenge-murder stuff, but he did help take the castle.

And then he became a preacher!

And for a year, John and his friends had held the castle. And then Suddenly France was like “U MAD BRO?” and took it.

Now why the heck were the French in Scotland?

Because apparently, Scotland had been united with France a while back. And they bonded over their mutual hatred for England and it’s weird Religion mix thingy.

And as a Catholic nation, French troops came and jacked the castle again and imprisoned John and his buddies. They made them those people in the movies who rows the boats and were forced to attend Mass. FOR NINETEEN MONTHS.

John still hung out and was still Protestant. And then when he was freed. And he went to England and was a Chaplin to Edward. But then Edward died and and then Mary took over!

And Mary was a very strong Cathloc! Who burned Protestants! WHAT A WONDERFUL BOSS HE HAD.

So he got the monkeys out of England. And he went over to Geneva!

Which was a really smart place to go because it was all safe and nice and shtuff. He met John Calvin and they were best buddies and bleh bluh blah blah bluh bleh.

So it was really nice for Knox, but he got homesick so he was like “EVEN THOUGH IT’S DANGEROUS I’M JUST GONNA HANG OUT HERE.” but then the big fish were like “lol no ur not” and he was like “HA HA HA YEAH I WAS KIDDING!” And he went back to Switzerland. But then he was like “HAI GUIZ I’M BAAACK~” And he stayed for good.

So let’s pause. We have a lot of Marys.

Mary G. was French. She married WEDDED James V of Scotland.

Their daughter was named Mary. James V died.

Mary was a baby. She could not rule for hopefully obvious reasons. Mary G. ruled Scotland. Mary, who was half Scottish, half French, grew up in France. This Mary is Mary, Queen of Scots. Not Mary G.

Mary G. did not need to be on the throne because she was only Queen via Marriage. And she was French. Which is never good.

But she was a good queen because she allowed freedom of worship. A lot of Protestants ran into Scotland which made everyone happy.

Buuuuut! When Protestantism (Big words~!) started to get all over the place, Mary felt like the people were slipping away. Because Protestantism is slippery and it’s hard to pick things up when they keep sliding all over the place.

So she got one of those rubber things which help you open bottle caps when your hands are all slippery and she got a better grip. She started to make some rules which some people didn’t really like, and John Knox came over and was like HAI GUIZ and everyone was like HAI JOHN and he was like OH NOEZ THIS ISN’T GOOD LET’S GO INTO SWITZERLAND MODE!

Which sounded like a good idea at the time.

But he was kinda mean and hard with his preaching, and some mobs come and destroyed some Catholic Churches and stuff. Now he did not say openly “WE’RE GONNA GO START A RIOT YOU GUYS BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT CHRIST WOULD WANT US TO DO.” No, he was like “STRONG PREACHING STRONG PREACHING STRONG PREACHING” and the people had the idea for the riots. But not John. He wasn’t really related to that bit.

But he did write some stuff like “WOMEN ARE BAD. THAT MANS YOU, BLOODY MARY AND MARY G. AND MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS.”

“AND CATHERINE.”

They were all Catholic. And the Protestants were like YEAH!

And the Catholics were like WAT.

Especially the Marys.

And Catherine.

The book was banned, like, everywhere. Mary G. made possession of it PUNISHABLE BY DEATH. Even his buddy John Calvin was like “Dude.” and he banned the book too. But he just had it burned and didn’t really kill anyone for owning it.

But some how he got himself into Parliament. and after he was in there, HE WAS LIKE SUPERMAN. He basically transformed Scotland into a Protestant nation by preaching to them.

So this one time he was like “HAIII LIZABETHHHH” But Elizabeth was like “ha ha ha no im a woman im 2 week to rule i mean u said that riiiiiittteee?” And John was like “...CRUD. YEAH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.” And then she was all “ok heres some ships so france dosnt kil u kthnxbai”

And that worked and she drove the French Ships on to the land and then the Scottish dealt with them.

Then John was like “LET’S BOND OVER OUR MUTUAL HATED HATRED FOR FRANCE.” and then Elizabeth was like “kk”

Which was really ironic, because that is EXACTLY what happened with Scots and France.

John was grateful, but he was still like “I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT CHURCH YOU GOT THERE.”

So he secretly like “i want to make scotland more protestant than england because i’m cool and hipster like that.” So he preached a LOT, and he wrote some books, and basically devoted all his time to BEING MORE PROTESTANT THAN ENGLAND.

He prepared the “First Scottish Confession of Faith” and the “First Book of Discipline.”

And they were books!

They were standards/guidelines for the church and state and blah blah blah. However, he was a genius and thought the state was allowed to condemn heretics to death yayyy!

He was like “HA HA FORGET MR. P-TO-DA-OPE” And got rid of his rules, but then he was all “HA FORGET MASS” and he got rid of that too.

But so this is now the Presbyterian Church, which is all cool and dandy.

BUT THEN MARY.

Queen of Scots, this time.

She was 18 and pretty and smart and she was a widow (Which is sad, because she was married at really young) and since her French husband had died the French sent her packin’. Back to Scotland. As a really strong Catholic. In a really strong Protestant nation.

WELL THAT IS GONNA WORK REAL WELL.

She got married to a Catholic nobleman and everyone was like “WaT.”

Deja vu.

So everyone kinda guessed this would be a repeat of Bloody Mary, but it wasn’t really that bad. She was kinda ok-ish. Sorta. But she and John were like “RAH RAH RAH”

And John was like “RAH RAH MORALS RAH RAH”

And Mary was like “CRY CRY CRY I’M A BAD PERSON CRY.”

And then John was like “RAH RAH RAH YEAH RAH.”

And Mary was like “CRY CRY I DON’T CARE.”

Likesrs. John was a really brutal preacher. And Mary’s morals needed to be reformed. And eventually they were. But we’re not gonna talk about that right now ;D

So eventually John kinda calmed down a little. And then he died. Like most people do.

BUT SRS YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT LIKE A WHOLE THREE MORE DAYS TO FIGURE OUT MARY.