LOL WHAT AM I DOING

Ok So You Guys Remember How That Guy Was All Piratey?

COURSE YOU DO.

Anyway, that colony that disappeared? Well about that time, there was this whole war going on with the English and Spanish. As you’d guess.

AND THE ENGLISH BEAT THE SPANISH INTO THE DUST.

Er, the sand.

INTO THE SAND. OR, UH, THE WAVES. ER. JUST. FORGET THAT ANALOGY. THEY BEAT THEM PRETTY BAD.

But whai.

BECAUSE HENRY VIII WAS A JERK.

Remember Catherine?

phsaw that doesn’t help at all.

Catherine of Argon? His FIRST WIFE? To whom he was married for 20 years and proceeded to kick to the curb for a 15 year old?

That chick?

SHE WAS SPANISH.

And the Spanish never really got over it.

Then Bloody MAry!

Who died.

Then he courted Elizabeth!

And he got dumped.

Then his son did too!

Then war.

And Spain was also kinda derpy with the Netherlands because William the Silent.

So they just kinda sat there and tried not to kill anyone. Which was hard with Elizabeth and all her pirates. She was like, “GO, GO PLUNDER THE SPANISH. HA HAH HA HA~!”

So Philip just played hard to get pretended not to notice. And then Elizabeth was like “I THINK I MIGHT MARRY THIS FRENCH DUKE.” And then Philip turned on his swagger continued ignoring Elizabeth. Which she didn’t do. So instead she helped the Dutch. Against Spain.

Then Elizabeth executed Mary Queen of Scots, because she was Catholic. Which was kinda an “I HATE YOU SO MUCH.” wink towards Spain.

And then...

England learned about this littletinyGIANT ARMADA.

Anyway. Spain actually loved Philip, even though everyone else HATED HIM SO MUCH. He became king at 16, which was pretty young. He was married a lot, but most were political so it wasn’t all I’M GONNA BE HENRY.

He wrote letters to his wife and his daughters and he was actually a pretty nice guy.

except to his son who he locked in a tower :D

Anyway. He was nice and calm and he was pretty awesome. Except to everyone else but that doesn’t matter.

But Uhh.

He Kinda Lost.

So he kinda had the largest armada ever assembled ever. It was called the Invincible Armada. Which means they’re so gonna win.

And England had a pretty small navy. Herpderp. But everyone was all excited about war so basically they were better, I guess.

And all these pirates of England were like YEUH. But so were the Spanish.

But they had two way different strategies.

Spain thought it’s be a good idea to board all these ships and fight man to man. However, England liked to shoot things out of canons and sink ships.

((I am aware I spelled cannon “incorrectly.” It was totally intentional and you get all of my love if you know what im doing here iiiilll stop talking now please ignore this))

Anyway,

So basically one of the Admirals set fire to 8 of he ships and sailed them off into the Spanish Armada seawaterarea.

And they all yelled and screamed and fled over to France!

They kinda surrendered. However, they had to go AROUND ENGLAND because the wind was being stupid. So they just kinda went around England. And the ships were so big 17 of their ships derped.

That is beautiful.

Philip just kinda locked himself in an itty bitty room and didn’t really talk to anyone.

ELIZABETH WAS PARTYING.

And she just sent some more war fleets to Spain. Even though they already won. All of the win.

Basically, Spain got really weak 5ever.

The Dutch got helped and out from under Spain.

England got a lot stronger, and so did the Protestant Reformation.

And it also kinda let England go colonize up in North America. Because Spain couldn’t actually do anything.

THEN SUDDENLY THE GOLDEN AGE. Well, for England, at least. Spain was whining over there.

ANYWAY. SO THAT KINDA ENDED ABRUPTLY. BUT OH WELL~

BLUHBLUHBLUH

POTATOES. TOBACCO.

This guy is responsible for a whole cultural stereotype! WELL DONE SIR. WELL DONE.

Sir Walter Raleigh singlehandedly introduced potatoes and tobacco to Ireland. And he was pretty much a stereotype himself, but whatever.

LET’S TALK ABOUT HIM.

He wasn’t actually Irish. He was English. And he went to France. And he fought with Huguenots. Otherwise known as the Protestants. And he just got out of France before that big giant massacre. Which is good. He started hating the Roman Catholics and kinda started breaking away from religions. Which didn’t mean he wasn’t a Christian, he was just sick of the BLUHBLUHBLUH.

So he kinda stood over here in the corner.

He went home and went to college and law and Aristotle but he never actually graduated. He decided he’d be a pirate instead!

And if I had the chance to drop out of school and be a pirate in 16th century England, three guesses as to my choice.

Actually you’d only need one guess because there are only two answers but oh well.

Walter and his half brother starting pirating. And being pirates. And stuff. He was pretty much Elizabeth’s favourite, uhh, pirate. He was all nice and ruthless and he put down a revolt and he was rewarded and he had ALL THE MONEY.

Er, well, he was actually rewarded with land.

BUT STILL.

He had 12,000 ACRES of land. In Ireland. Which is a lot. He was also Elizabeth’s boyfran, and he was handsome and yadayadayada.

Even though he was 20 years younger than she was.

AND THEN SHE GAVE HIM 42,000 MORE ACRES IN IRELAND. I’M PRETTY SURE HE LIKE HAD THE WHOLE COUNTRY NOW BUT WHATEVER.

He got knighted. So now he was a knight pirate. He was also the queens boyfran and a lot of people were jealous.

And for yeeears he was just kinda hanging out doing whatever he wanted. And then he started a colony in America and named it this little thing you’ve probably never heard of VIRGINIA.

So something really weird happened. He wanted to go on a second trip and Elizabeth was like “thats cool bro” BUT. She made him stay. He did stay, and the voyage left, HOWEVER.

Basically they all went and colonized and they hung out for a little bit. And then the Governor went back to England for food and moneyz. But Spain was like NEWWW and GOVNAH couldn’t leave for like three years.

And then when he went back THE COLONY WAS DESERTED. Which was really creepy. But it was probably Indians.

Anyway!

BACK IN ENGLAND.

Walter had a ship. He fought the Spanish Armada. And he was awesome and Elizabeth loved her and he had Ireland and he had this Poet.

THEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED.

HE FELL.

IN.

LOVE.

waitwat.

Basically there was this girl Her name was Elizabeth... Throckmorton?

AND HE CALLED HER BESS.

Basically she worked for Elizabeth. And HE didn’t want Elizabeth to find out he loved Elizabeth so he married Elizabeth in secret, and if Elizabeth ever found out he married Elizabeth then there would be trouble.

...

This isn’t gonna work.

ELIZABETH WORKED FOR QUEENSY. Walter didn’t want Queeny to find out he loved Elizabeth, so he married her in secret, and if Queeny ever found this out there would be trouble.

AND THEN SHE FOUND IT OUT.

AND THERE WAS TROUBLE.

So she threw them in the tower of London to have a wonderful honeymoon. And then Walter wrote a flattering letter to Queeny and Walter got released.

And then a little bit later Bess got out. But she didn’t have a job anymore so herpderp.

Anyway! Walter kept adventuring and he suddenly GOLD WANT. And you can guess how that went.

NOW THEN.

Later he brought the potatoes to Ireland. He sold some land and he went back to ADVENTURING~!

BUT.

Walter adventure came to a screeching, burning halt. Because Elizabeth died. And her cousin came to power. Walter was charged for, uhh, treason, and so he was locked up in the tower. And he sent Bess a love letter and it was sweet and happy. Because writing one to the king wouldn’t work the way it did on Elizabeth.

BUT!

Walter didn’t actually die! King James kept him alive for another 13 years. Which wasn’t as lousy as it could have been. He had books and stuff and his wife and kid could live with him and he had servants and he wrote and stuff was actually pretty nice.

Howeverrr, time in prison was still time in prison.

Still, he was kinda secretly plotting an escape. He told James that he could go to South America and find him some gold, and that’s what he did. He wasn’t allowed to attack the Spanish or their territories. Which wasn’t that bad.

However, this whole thing was jinxed because we all know that a) THERE WAS NO GOLD. and b) everyone hated the Spanish. Basically his crew just monkeyed around in the Spanish territories.

Basically he got killed. Er, executed. Same difference.

Anyway. He was a pirate knight awesome lover Elizabeth boyfran prisoner crusader awesome.

The end~

A REALLY IMPRESSIVE FEAT THAT HAPPENED EVERY OTHER YEAR.

So the Spanish pretty much hated this guy. But the English were like “YESS.”

And his name was Sir Francis Drake. AND HE SAILED AROUND THE WORLD, JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

But he liked to steal stuff from Spanish ships. So he was a pirate. Who traveled around the world. And this was kinda a secret plot from Elizabeth and she made him do it.

herpderpderp.

SO JUST WHO WAS THIS GUY?

He’s Sir Francis Drake! He was born in wosrtistshireshireistchshire with 12 other kids. He got his first gig at 13 and they sailed around for a good 7 years until the captain died, so he was kinda given captainship and he took them back. Then he got another job and they sailed around the Caribbean and the Indies and cuiseship. And he wasn’t really interested in exploring on this little expedition, he was just like “MONEYZ!11!” so he took ALL THE MONEY.

But it turned out that the silver he took from them wasn’t really the Spanish’s either. Because they were kinda jacking it from the Indians’ silver mines. derpderpderp.

And Elizabeth wanted that silver mine. She really wanted it. So she was like “FRANCIS GO GET ME SOME SILVER.” so he was like “OK” This was an unofficial commission, because if they got in trouble Elizabeth was not going to help them. Because that’d look really bad. Anyway, he basically went through this town and basically got all the stuff and he had to leave behind some silver and gold because that had too much. And then he went back to England and got rewarded for being a horrible thieving pirate.

Then she signed a treaty with Spain so she couldn’t acknowledge Francis’s awesomeness.

Five years later he just kinda circumnavigated the world like it was nobody’s buzznuzz. BUT WHY?

So the crew kinda thought they were going to Africa to trade. That was a lie. They were going to Brazil...?

So was he just gonna circle the world fo realz or was it an accident or what? Well nobody really knew. He was just sorta there to steal more silver. More or less.

Nobody knew what was going on. Well, except for Francis. Sorta. Maybe. I guess?

ANYWAY. THERE WERE TWO OTHER CAPTIANS. WE ARE GOING TO MAKE AN EDUMACATED GUESS THAT THERE WERE THREE SHIPS BECAUSE THERE WERE THREE CAPTAINS.

Anyway. Francis’s ship got broke in a storm and they had to get rid of the flagpole mast thing. So everyone just kinda went home. And on take two, the fleet left with 6 ships and 164 people. So I lied. There were 6 ships, not three. They followed Magellan's route and after 8 months three out of 6 ships were gone, and so they kinda jacked Mag’s old strait.

AND THEN SOMETHING TOTALLY UNEXPECTED HAPPENED.

A storm came by and ate a ship. Two were left. The other got scared and left. The other just kinda got blew over on to an island. And then it sailed up the west coast of South America and just kinda RAIDED ALL THE SETTLEMENTS. And he also RAIDED ALL THE SHIPS. And he GOT ALL THE MAPS. ALL THE THINGS.

And then he just kinda sailed into a comfy little harbour. It was probably in Canada, or it was just really really cold and icey, because it was in the middle of.. uhh.... July?

Ok.

Anyway.

This affected a lot of people because England and Spain were all fighting for the general America continent. Basically it got all tense and some srs buzznuzz started goin down. The harbour was claimed for England with a little brass plate made by Francis. And in 1930, it was found!

lol no not really it was a fake.

SO ANYWAY, THEY LEFT.

In a few months they made it back to England. It had been 3 years and he asked if Elizabeth was alive. And she was. Which is good. Becuase that means he would GET ALL THE MONEY.

He got knighted on his ship and then he died a few years later. Like most people do. Well not the knighting part, but the dying part. Because he never found that fountain of youth. ANYWAY.

They kinda just put him in a lead casket and sunk him in the ocean. Some people argue that he should be brought up.

Which would be kind of disgusting. I mean, he’s been dead underwater in a lead casket for 500 years. I don’t think he’d look or smell that nice. I guess there’s no harm in it, but still.

MY OPINION IS UNIMPORTANT. WAIT FOR THE NEXT POST.