INTO. YOUR. SOUUUUL.

So I have a cousin.

His name is Ivan.

THIS IS NOT THAT IVAN. Because that Ivan is not really terrible. Most of the time.

BUT THIS IVAN IS PRETTY TERRIBLE.

The last time we looked at Russia, it was pretty happy. Their king was a good guy. In fact, he was Great. But that’s not this story.

WE’RE TALKING ABOUT IVAN THE TERRIBLE.

You see, Ivan’s childhood was pretty sad. He was clothed in rags and barely fed. Until the important people came over, in which he was dressed in beautiful clothing and fed like a king. Yeeeeah. His mother was also murdered when he was about 7 or 8. Which made this all worse. He also had his favourite nanny person thing taken away.

He also abused animals. Now I’m not exactly PETA or anything, but when people purposefully go and hurt animals it’s pretty sad. Like... seriously? Bah. So he took to throwing cats and dogs out the window. Like4srs.

And when when as about 13, he threw the next in line to a pack of wild dogs. Which meant he was Czar. And his first duty as czar was to find himself a wife. And out of a lot of women, he picked a woman named Anastasia. And it appeared that he did have a heart ,and it was for her.

Next, he decided he was going to conquer a country city thing. So how it looked on paper was something like he’d march on in to this meeting and help the people make decisions.

It was just a little more forceful than that. He pretty much became a dictator.

Now his laws weren’t to terrible at first. In fact, there were pretty good. He expanded the kingdom, and pretty much got rid of all the Muslim Tatars. This also helped a lot with trade.

And when he conquered a city full of them, he cried because of all the dead. And he felt bad, and he had pity on them.

But that flew right out the window. Like cats and dogs.

“Hey! You’re getting your blog in my judgement!”
“Hey! You’re getting your judgement in my blog!”

Because three years later, he had a celebration. And he built a church. “HEY! YEAH! WE KILLED A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE! LET’S BUILD A CHURCH!”

And it looks like onions.

It was said that he hired two Italian artists to build it. And afterwards, he gouged their eyes out so they would never make anything as beautiful. Yeeeeah.

Or maybe it was two Russians. Maybe he took out their eyes. I dunno. It doesn’t say.

So Russia started up a little trade with the rest of Europe. However, this wasn’t a very big trade, because they were kinda like Japan in keeping themselves walled up. This made Ivan really rich, but the rest of Russia was really poor due to the Feudal System. The peasants were poor, the roads were unpaved, and almost everyone was illiterate.

And in 1560, Anastasia died.

Yeeeeah. Ivan believed she was poisoned, and he might have been right. Because some scientists found a LOT of mercury in her corpse’s hair. This made Ivan mad and insane. Which I’m thinking he was also poisoned, but had a higher tolerance. Mercury pretty much makes you insane, so I’m guessing Ivan got a little bit too.

Ivan sent a farewell letter (?) to the public, and sent one to Moscow about his official resignation. Sorta. He said that he was overthrown by some nobles and the church. Herpderp.

The Lower Class missed him SO BAD. So bad. They begged him to return, because they were afraid they’d crumble without him. So he went back to the throne.

WITH AN IRON FIST. A cruel and paranoid iron first. A very scary iron fist. A very insane iron fist.

And with an attempt to protect himself, he created a WHOLE NEW CLASS of citizens. They were basically a lot of bodyguards. Whether out of paranoia or legitamate danger, he had 1,000 at the beginning and it quickly grew to about 6,000. And this was the beginning of the infamous Russian secret police. They had very, very, VERY few laws except for one: PROTECT IVAN.

And there were two classes now: The ones protecting Ivan, and the rest of them. That means everyone was pushed into Serfdom. This RUINED the economy, and everyone was just confused. It was rumoured that there was a revolt brewing, so guess what Ivan did?

KILL THEM ALL.

At least 3,000 were killed. However, some say that up to 30,000 were killed. Some said that 6,000 were tortured to death. I dunno. But bad shtuff went down.

Ivan spent a lot of time praying, though. He drank excessively. He did all he could to instill fear into his people. He dressed his secret police in BLACK ROBES AND SKULL MASKS.

WHAT THE HECK.

They were the first Death Eaters~!

Okbutso. They’re now going to be called Death Eaters, kay?

The Death Eaters had little tortured chambers which resembled Hell where they impaled victims, roasted them, flayed (that’s skinned alive, for those who don’t know), and fried them. Yes, fried. With oil. Ain’t that nice?

So the Death Eaters were now murderous thugs. Yay~!

The thing that put him over the edge was when he hit his pregnant daughter. This caused her to loose the baby, and her husband got in a fight with Ivan. He killed him, and then proceeded to feel really really REALLY bad.

He suffered a ~strange illness~ towards to end of his life, which was probably poisoning. On his death bed, he wanted to make the vows of a monk and be buried as such. Someone thought this was a good idea, and let him be a monk. He was buried like one.

So yeah. He wasn’t really that bad at first, but... Yeeeeah. It got really bad at the end.

Oh, by the way...

Since the beginning on this lesson...

HE’S BEEN STARING INTO YOUR SOUL~!

Can't Tell if Mary Sue or Just Name.

So this guy. Suleiman. His name is hard to spell. He is now named Sue, because his name is pronounced Sue-Lee-Man. Sueleeman. And he was a Sunni. No pun there.
And while the Renaissance and the reformation, Sue decided he’d take over the world. Or at least the Ottoman Empire. So you guys remember Istanbul was Constantinople? Yeah. It was the capital of the Ottoman Empire. And Sue was having a pretty nice time ruling the world, because his daddy left him a whole lotta everything. But like a good ruler, he was a greedy jerkface. That means he wanted more.
Now he had Greece. He had a little bit of Russia, and the Black Sea area, and the Bibley bits, and Turkey, and Egypt etc. etc. So like he had Oriental Avenue, St. James Place, Pennsylvania Avenue, and Boardwalk.
And suddenly Diet of Wyrms. All those people were all OHNOREFORMATIONS! So all of their cities were Sue’s for the takin’. So he took ‘em.
Sue was paying attention to the Mediterranean Sea. Whoever had the Ducky Sea (because it looks like a duck.) had control of the trade between Europe, Africa, and Asia. Sue decided he’d go after Rhodes, which was an island in the Ducky Sea. And Rhodes was the last Christian stronghold in the sea.
This doesn’t mean Sue wanted to kill all Christians. This means he wanted Rhodes because it was an amazing location. And the Knights living on the island were being pirates, and were just annoying.
So after Sue beat them in a long battle, he felt kinda bad. The Knights surrendered, and he allowed them to go with safety. He also showered the Grand Master with gifts and stuff. So he seems like a pretty good guy.
LOLNOPE.
Sue kept on pushing. Why? Because France was all “PLZATTACKSOUTHEUROPEPLZ.” And Francis, the King of France, was an enemy of Holy Roman Empire, because Spain was given the crown to Holy Roman Empire, and France sat back and pouted like a little boy. So he and HRE (it’s cumbersome to type Holy Roman Empire.) fought a lot.
Now Francis got in a bit of trouble with HRE. He called on Sue, and was like “PLZHELPMEPLZ.” and Sue was like “I’MONMYWAYPLZ.”
So he was on his way. He was planning on attacking Hungary anyways, so he just plowed on through her and went on. She probably could have not been thrown down, but everyone was fussin’ with each other and they weren’t very united.
And in comes Sue with a battle that lasted only an hour and a half. HE TOOK OVER NEARLY THE WHOLE COUNTRY IN AN HOUR AND A HALF. I COULD LEAVE MY HOUSE, WATCH A MOVIE, AND HUNGARY WOULD BE CAPTURED WHEN I GOT BACK.
So after this, Sue got a bit cocky. Because he took over Hungary in an hour and a half. And he decided to attack Vienna, the CAPITAL OF THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE. So with 200,000 men, he marched on in. This freaked Europe out. Rumours started to spread that Sue was going to make everyone convert to Islam. Which wasn’t true. Why? Well, go look at Rhodes. He wasn’t all “OK KNIGHTS NOW BOW BEFORE THE MIGHTY SUE AND CONVERT MUHAHAHAHA MANIACAL LAUGH.” He didn’t really care. He was indifferent.
But they failed at taking Vienna. Twice. And then the third time, Sue went all out. He marched from Istanbul to Vienna in a parade, with a bunch of camels and horses and boys and stuff. So Prince Asue was in Vienna. But his parade was not welcome, because Vienna does not have streets and it just has rivers. Look.

But all the Europe rallied together and defeated Sue. He went home and cried himself to sleep that night.
Btu he got over it, because France still liked him. Well, of course France likes him, because France likes everyone. France loves everyone.
SUE LOOKED TO THE EAST.
And saw the Safavid Empire. He saw Persia. So he went in and jacked the Persia. Well, most of it, at least. He had Baghdad and a few pieces of other stuff. Persia and Sue kept on fighting, back and forth and back and forth. Hungary got involved again and asked Persia if they could politely beat Sue into the dust. Er, sand. I guess it’s sand over there. But you knowww~
But Sue could hold himself up from the west and the east, and it wasn’t really a problem. He moved on past Egypt, and he captured the city of Tunis. Two knees. This was a very nice move, because he now had the East side of the Ducky Sea. This was mostly due to a Pirate named Barbarossa, who was well known as a big fat bloodthirsty Greek bully. But whatever.
Sue and the Turks were a world powers through the Reformation. When he wasn’t expanding his kingdom, he was fancying it up.
Now Sue did some stuff which wasn’t very nice. He made a law that made it legal to KILL YOUR BROTHER IF YOU ARE NEXT IN LINE TO THE THRONE.
Now this happened anyways, but it was behind closed doors. The Ottoman Empire just made it legal.
So Sue wasn’t really a horrible evil I WILL KILL YOU ALL Muslim, but he had his faults. He wasn’t much different from his European counterparts, even though they saw him differently. The Enddd~!

(I don’t like ending on sweet notes like that. But hey. Whatever.)

A Long Long Time Ago, ALL THE DISNEY!

A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AW-
Wait.
Ok, so, this was just a long time ago.
A LONG TIME AGO, JAKE GYLLENHAAL WAS-
Wait.
Ok, so, this was a long time ago. Before Jake Gyllenhaal.
A LONG TIME AGO, THERE WAS PERSIA.
After the days of Noah, there was a little paradise over near Mesopotamia which was all nice and stuff until the Persians got all up in thurr and was lyke “U MAD BRO?”
So they decided to be all original and rename the place “Persia”.
So y’all know Esther and Alexander the Great and Jake Gyllenhaal? Yeah. They were all from Persia. Except not all at the same time. BUT STILL.
So Persia has a really long history that we’re gonna stop right now because it’s complicated. Like bratty 12 year old girl Facebook relationships.
So we’re just gonna talk about two main peeps today. One was named Shiites. ... I’m gonna resist a joke there because if I don’t I will get my computer taken away for a long long time.
The others were called Sunnis.
But so stuff is still going on. Like, 38 minutes ago, there was a buncha Shiites trollin around and then some Sunnies came in and were like "NO." and then the Shiites were all "ASDFGHHJKL GET OUT." and the Sunnies were all "nope." and so they were killed.
BUT BACK TO BUSINESS.
So these weren’t exactly countries. These were divisions of Islam. After Mo’ (looong time since we talked about him specifically.) died, he wasn’t exactly a zombie to answer questions about Islam. Even though there WERE some mummiezombiemuslims, Mo’ was unable to make it to the deathday party. So there was some debate as to who should be the next Muslim leader. Some people thought that Abu should be the next leader. I don’t know who thought it would be a good idea to make a monkey a Caliph (which is the leader.) So the other people thought that it should be A guy named Ali. And whoever thought it would be a good idea to put Aladdin in disguise on the Caliph’s position is the Elephant that was actually Abu that Aladdin rode in that one scene.
So if you guys need a visual:
Sunnies:

Shiites:

Now that song will be stuck in my head all day. PRINCE ALIIII, FABULOUS HEEE, ALI ABABWAAAA~!
But so the two groups decided to just split up and be two different groups of Islam. It still spread though. LIKE BUTTER ON TOAST. LIKE A WILDFIRE. LIKE THE CHEESE TOUCH. LIKE... LIKE... SOMETHING ELSE THAT SPREADS.
So Islam spread in to Persia. It got all nice and reunited, and the Shiites ruled.
So the rules were canned Imans. Imans were a weird mix between Ipods and Walkmen that hipsters use so they look like cool hipster-thrift-store-vintage-hurr-durr.
Oh...
OH wait...
What was that?
Oh. Ok.
Nevermind. I spelled it wrong. It’s Imam.
So the first twelve Imams were considered to have supernatural powers and everyone thought they were without sins. Hurrdurr FAIL.
There was a guy named Ismail. He grew up learning about alla (no pun.) this stuff, but he didn’t want to grow up to be an Imam or a leader of a religious order or none’uh that jayazz. HE WANTED TO BE AN EMPEROR OF A GREAT EMPIRE. BAMBAMBAMBAA~! So he became a “Shah.”

This was a biiiig move. It changed Persia.... FOREVER! BAMBAMBAAAAM! (note: This is different from the “BAMBAMBAMBAA!”. The first is suspense music. The later is good happy trumpets.)
Ismail had created a new kind of government. He had a Theocracy, which is a government based on religion. And to this day, Persia (Now Iran, mind you.) is STILL the only country in the world based on the Shiite faith.
So the country was changed, but it was not exactly a fun time. There were still a bunch of Sunnits in the place, so they were forced to convert or die. Ismail hired a lot of people to do his dirty work for him, so they went out and killed a bunch of Sunnits and expanded the empire. Ismail made Tabriez the capital of Persia, and all was... uhm... pretty bad, actually.
AND THEN THE OTTOMAN TURKS WERE OVER HURR AND ISMAIL CAPTURED THEIR CITY BAGHDAD AND WUZ ALL “U MAD BRO?”
And ogurl.
So Ismail made a big name for himself with that buzznezz wif dah Turks and Baghdad.
But eventually Ismail, you know, died. His possible heirs weren’t exactly capable of ruling though. One switched his loyalty to the sunnies, one was too young to rule, one was blind, and one was insane.
So yeah. No good candidates here.
The Ottomans took back their city, and the empire shrunk.
AND THEN CAME A GOOD LEADER.
His name was Abbas, and he was a good ruler. In fact, he was a great ruler. In fact, his name was Abbas the Great. Hurrdurr.
He thought it would be a good idea to move the capital city AGAIN, so he moved it to Isfahan. It was in the middle of the Empire, and he covered it in art and pretty and rugs and tapestries and pretty shtuff. He opened trade with the English, selling them said rugs and tapestries, both of which are still popular today.
AND THEN ABBAS TOOK BAGHDAD BACK.
He pushed the borders back to where they were with Ismail.
But he had one tiny flaw.
Abbas was Senior Psycho, and he had one son killed, one son sent off to be raised somewhere else, and one son blinded. All in fear of one of them overthrowing him to take the throne, as he did his father!
BAM DAM DAAAAA.

Moose and Otter and Moose

So we’re done with CC. Thank goodness. He was getting a bit old, eh?
SO NOW IT’S TIME FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
Ghana, Mali, and Songhai were three territories in Africa.
REWIND!
*vrrrmp*
Ancient Egyptians. Some people like to forget that Egypt was on the coast of Africa, but it is. There a Pharaoh named Amenhotep, Nefertiti, and Kind Tut. They all believed in one god. The Kushites and the Noks also stood out a little bit, but they weren’t as big as Egypt. They were in the south. Zombabwe came over and was all “HAYY GUYSS~! <333” So what about the rest of Africa? Well, in the west of Africa, there were some men called the Griots. They had to memorize history, and they still do it. Because of the Griots, they pretty much know all the history of all of Africa. Woahdood. So let’s start with the first place. Ghana. There is a legit modern day Ghana, but it’s not the same as this Ghana. The rules charged a lotta taxes on people who were just passing through, but not the people who lived there. You had to pay them in salt or gold. There was a lot of Salt to the north of Ghana, and a lot of gold to the south of Ghana. Now you’d think that gold was a lot more valuable than salt. BUTLOLNOPE. Salt was really expensive because they didn’t have fridgerators. Ok. Hold on. Let me explain. We’ve been over this. Salt + food = preservation. And it also protected peeps from dehydration, because they were reul close to the equator. So Ghana hung out for about 300 years. And then in 1070, the Mooselooms- Wait. What were the Mooselooms?

Plus:

Equals:
MOOSELOOM.
Ok. Butso the Mooselooms decided to trololover.
So then a new empire EMERGED FROM TEH ASHES~
Mali~!
It rose up in about the same Ghana. Mali had a lot of gold. Like, a LOT of gold. The founder of Mali was named Sundiata, pronounced “Soon-da-otta”

Ok but so.
Otter’s legs were kinda really screwed up. He was all gud with the upper body, but he couldn’t walk. And then here comes a blacksmith and he was all “ALL BETTER~!” So he got better. By the age of 10, Otter was an amazing hunter. He defeated some people and the Kingdom of Mali was the Empire of Mali.
And then 75 years later, a new power ROSE TO FAME. His name was Mansamusa. Pronounced... “Man’s-a-moose-uh”

Dude. What is with these names. LIKE REALLY.
AND MOOSE LIKE. LIKE I MEAN WHAT.
Ok.
So.
Mansamusa (i like that more than Moose. It’s fun.) was very impressed with the Mooselooms (I WONDER WHY) so he decided to head over to Meca. So Mansamusa decided to join sum’a his Mooseloom buddies on a pilgrimage to Meca. And to impress others on his journey to Meca, he decided to pass out A LOT OF GOLD. So Europeans decided to pay some attention to Mansamusa. Like, you know how people look at, you know, Brad Pitt and say, “I’m going in to show business.” Or people look at Steve Jobs and say, “LOLNOPE.”
...
Too zune?
“Hey! You got your judgement in my blog!”
“Hey! You got your blog in my judgement!”
Ok.
So.
Mansamusa got Mali put on the map. No4srs. Mali was put on the map with a picture of Mansamusa with a gold nugget. 4tehlulz.
Ok so a buncha tourists decided to make a visit to Mali. They found a buncha gold. AND THEY FOUND TIMBUKTU.
Everyone knows Timbuktu. It’s fun to say. Nobody really knows what is is or where it was. BUT NOW YOU DO. IT WAS IN MALI. IN AFRICA.
So Mansamusa came back from Meca with a buncha Muslims. They had Mosques, courts, schools, and strict laws. An odd thing is that Mansamusa never really took on Islam. He kept his African stuff, and the country is still a blend of religion.
SO NOW LET’S HAVE A SUPER COOL TRANSITION.
Songhai. It was STILL IN THE SAME PLACE. They slowwwlyy took over Mali. Askia Muhammad took over just one year after CC over hurr “found” America.
So Songhai, Mali, and ghana are all the same place.
Okso Askia kept the gold trade amovin’. Askia adopted Islam, and he appointed Mooselooms to some government positions. Even though 97 percent of Songhai was not even Muslim. A lot of the major cities had Mosques, even though ONLY THREE PERCENT OF THE POPULATION WAS MUSLIM.
So they standardized weights and measures. Beacuse what would happen is:
“AY MAN I NEED 5 OUNCES OF GOLD.”
And you give me this much:

And then Someone else gives me this much:

So they fixed that.
There was a big university, it had a lot of hand-written books, and the place was pretty presumptuous.
So EVERYTHING WAS GOOD AND NICE AND AWSUM LIKE THAT THE END?

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

Ok. So. Everyone knows who Christopher Columbus is.
But he isn’t what this lesson is about.
THIS IS ABOUT THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
What was the Spanish Inquisition? It was a court for ratting out Heretics. Gee, haven’t heard that one before.
So the Spanish Inquisition was not a fun place.
At this time in history, Spain was not all nice and unified. It was kinda like Italy, but it was different. If that makes sense. It had royal family rules instead of rich peeps.
Well Ferdinand was prince of Aragon, and Isabella was princess of Castile. Isabella went to church and was good and went on Sunday morning and nights and Wednesday night and al that jayazz.
SO FERDINAND AND ISABELLA GOT MARRIED. Now it was political and arranged and all, but it was still sweet. They really loved each other, and it was good and nice and sweet.
Aragon and Castile were already the largest kingdoms in Spain. Now they were, together, LIKE A MEGA ULTRA KINGDOM THING. Spain was in it’s golden age anyhoos, so Arstile was amazing.
...
Uhm.
Casgon?
Aragoncastile?
Castagon.
There.
That sounds good.
Ok.
But so Spain is great. It has scholars and painters and all that. Woop woop.
SO.
Suddely THE RECONQUISTA.
Which means all the Christians drove the Mooselums down to the south of Spain

So Ferdinand and Isabella were raising money to fight them. However, they were getting a little extreme. They drove out anyone who opposed Christianity, which was not just Mooselums.
So that’s what started the Spanish Inquisition.
So it wasn’t really a thing, it was... Uh... A... Thing. A process, if you will.
The inquisition was how they drove the people out.
What they did was put people on trial. They would have to prove their guilt or innocence with crimes against the church. The idea goes wayyy back, but still.
The system was modeled after a court that the Dominicans used. They carried banners that said “Mercy” and “Justice”. They got a little carried away with the Justice bit though. They used. Very. Harsh. Measures.
As did Ferdinand and Isabella. They put their court in the hands of Tomas De Torquemada. We’ll name him Tom. He was Isabella’s childhood priest and a Dominican Friar who thought there wasn’t a thing wrong with the court system.
Oh! Also!
He thought there was nothing wrong with torturing people to make them confess their sins against the church.
So you’re pretty much gonna die either way.
On his behalf though, someone said that he thought he was saving people from eternal punishment by punishing them on earth.

So there were a lotta Jews in Spain. These Jews had a few choices when it came to faith: Convert to Islam and die. Convert to Christianity and live. Don’t convert and die.
So a lot of them decided that they’d convert to Christianity. Well, some didn’t convert fo realz, and they just practiced Judaism underground. Most of them were arrested, put on trial, and put to death, but others went on about their way.
Soon, Ferdinand and Isabella made Persecution even worse. They signed what is called the Edict of Expulsion. Expulsion does not sound like a fun word, does it? No. No it does not. Explusion means to be expelled. The Jews had 3 months to Leave Spain or be baptized.
So a lot of people decided to leave. As in, 800,000 people. Now I don’t know how many people were in ancient Spain, but when 800,000 people up and leave, that effects a country. All of these people took their businesses, left a ton of jobs, they spent some money to get out of the country, and Spain was hurt really bad.
So despite all of this, Ferdinand and Isabella were pretty great people. They sponsored Christopher Columbus, they were great rulers, and they had some pretty good ideas about the futtturee~!
So uhm.
Yeah.
The end~!