SUPER AWESOME TITLE BRO UHM IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M REFERENCING HERE YOU GET ALLLLLLLL THE BROWNIE POINTS. ALL OF THEM.

YOU GUYS.

YOUGUYSYOUGUYSYOUGUYSYOUGUYS.

GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

Your name is WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. You have many interests, which include POETRY, ACTING, and THE VARIOUS PERFORMING ARTS.

And if you think I’m about to start that narrative style you are dead wrong. Because I can’t do it right or for extended periods to save my life. And if you don’t know what it is then it doesn’t even make any sense.

ANYWAYS.

William Shakespeare was a dropout.

Fo realz.

He dropped out of school and got married at 18 to Anne Hathaway.

But not that Anne Hathaway.

AND THEN SHE GOT PREGGERZ.

With twins. By the way, she was 26.

And then William got arrested.

WHAT IS THIS. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE PROCEEDED TO LEAVE HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN TO MOVE TO LONDON.

Let’s get this straight. William Shakespeare dropped out of school, got some chick preggos, got arrested, left them, and moved away to start acting and writing.

ha ha ha wat.

He made a great deal of moneyz by investing in the theater. Er, a theater. The Globe Theater. Which he helped build. And it’s in London.

BUT THERE’S MORE TO IT THAN THAT.

Some people don’t think that who I just told you was actually THE William Shakespeare.

ha ha ha wat.

Apparently, this guy was not ACTUALLY the William Shakespeare. This guy here was just PRETENDING to be William Shakespeare. The fo realz William Shakespeare went up and was like “hay you take this and and tell people you wrote it ok.”

Because it doesn’t really sound like he’s capable of.

You know.

Writing that stuff.

SO IF IT WASN’T HIM, THEN WHO WAS IT?

And WHOEVER wrote it, why would they choose him? I mean.

Like.

Look at him.

Anyway. Some people think it was Francis Bacon. Which would be kinda weird because he was a really busy guy.

BUT WAIT.

Your name is CHISTOPHER MA

THIS IS STUPID.

This guy. Christopher Marlowe. He could have been a spy. He WAS a spy. He was killed, but he was actually under some sort of weird witness protection program of the 16th century that i would know absoltuely nothing about why are you asking me about this ha ha ha let’s move on.

But before he got into the spy buzznuzz, he was in the play buzznuzz. Even though that’s contradictory.

BUT HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

Your name is EDWARD DE VERE. You are the EARL OF OXFORD, and you are an ACCOMPLISHED GENTLEMAN, due to being the COURTIER of QUEEN ELIZABETH. Your interests include WRITING PLAYS IN SE

ok this has to stop right now.

This guy wrote plays in secret. Because the theater was like.

That place.

You know.

That... That place. Where all those weird people hang out.

But Edward liked to write, but Elizabeth was like “ew.” So he could have used a ghost writer OTHERWISE KNOWN AS WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE (that was not be using the aforementioned form of narration. That was me using caps for emphasis.) instead of publishing under his own name.

Plus, William was an actor over there anyways. So he just kinda GOT PAID TO TAKE ALL THE CREDIT.

Now I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the way to do things.

HOWEVER. Some people don’t believe this theory. Some think that William Shakespeare was William Shakespeare.

Also, he might have been a woman.

ANYWAY. THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT.

But what about the actual, uhh, plays?

There were three kinds. Historical, Comedy, and Tragedy.

The Historical plays were on a few Henries and some Johns (heh.) and Richard and some Julius Caesar. Of couse, all of these were added to for more drama and stuff. Because seriously.

Who wants to just watch history?

ANYWAY. COMEDIES WERE GOOD TOO. Because they were funny. I mean, they had some underlying themes too. Because it was William Shakespeare.

And then there were the tragedies.

ONE OF THEM IS ROMEO AND JULEIT. PLEASE SKIP THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THE RANT OF ANGER AND ANNOYANCE.

ROMEO AND JULIET IS A LOVE STORY. YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND DO NOT NEED TO REFER TO EACH OTHER OR YOUR LOVE AS SIMILAR TO ROMEO AND/OR JULIET. THEIR “LOVE” LASTED, IF I AM NOT MISTAKEN, THREE DAYS. IT CAUSED FIVE MURDERS. IT ENDED WITH TWO SUICIDES. BOTH OF WHICH WERE ROMEO AND JULIET’S. THERE’S A REASON IT WAS A “FORBIDDEN LOVE.” YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE IT WOULD LEAVE TO MULTIPLE MURDERS AND SUICIDE. TWO LITTLE TEENAGERS AND MOST OF THEIR FAMILY DIED DUE TO THEIR PURE STUPIDITY AND “LOVE”. YES, IT IS SAD. YES, IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE SAD. AND NO, UNLESS YOU WOULD MURDER FIVE PEOPLE AND COMMIT SUICIDE, YOU/YOUR BOYFRIEND/YOUR LOVE IS NOT LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET.

Continue reading here.

There were some tragedies. Insanity, death, “forbidden love”, etc. etc. bluh bluh bluh.

SO. Between writing writing THIRTY MONKEYING SEVEN plays, he wrote ONE MONKEYING HUNDRED AND FIFTY MONKEYING FOUR poems. Which were actually sonnets but whatever.

AND BASICALLY HE WAS SNOOP DAWGG. OR DOGG. OR WHAT THE MONKEY EVER.

Because he made up words and kinda changed words around so they’d rhyme. He made up:

Barefaced. Bumps. Fitful. Fretful. Fo shizze Frugal. Gloomy. Gnarled. Hurry. Puke. Recall. Spurring. Suspicious.

HE DOTH PUKE WHEN THE DUKE I’M NOT A POET I CAN’T FINISH THIS.

So we like use all of these words.

AND OH MAN HE USED PUNS.

He also coined “Dead as a doornail.” and all sorts of other things.

NOW.

Some of you aren’t old enough to read Shakespeare. Language is weird. Some parts aren’t really “good.” Plots are complicated (heh.) Stuff is wacky.

BUT NOW I HAVE TO GO READ IT. So I might or might not post some sort of summary on Much Ado About Nothing.

Please pray that I don’t die in the process.

Note: Uhm some stuff went down where everyone agreed that Much Ado About Nothing is seriously impossible forget everything derp none of the ados none of them.

IDK MAN JUST PLEASE IGNORE ME THNXBAI DUNNO WHAT IM DOING LOL

So basically this guy was kinda boring, apparently.

He was a writer, but he didn’t really.

You know.

Do anything?

I mean, he wrote a lot and he was kinda controversial, but I don’t think he ever actually.

You know.

Got in trouble?

But anyway.

MICHAEL MONTAINGE.

He was born in France. And he had a weird family. His dad was Roman Catholic, his mom a Spanish Jew Protestant, and his siblings were Catholics.

wat.

ANYWAYS. His Dad sent him away when he was 3 to live with a poor family (?). He was brought back to his family later and was taught Latin (?) Nobody was allowed to speak anything but Latin to him (?) even though French was his first language (?)

lolwut

Basically, he learned Latin and pretty much ALL SORTS OF AWESOME STUFF without ever touching a book.

Well he probably did touch a book but whatever. But eventually he was kinda shipped off to boarding school to study law, but basically he got board so he left.

So eventually he started writing. He sat up inside his little castle and he wrote. A lot. For 10 years.

wat.

He wrote essays. He basically started the whole personal Essay thing. And before that, there were none. None of the personal essays. BLAME HIM FOR EVERYTHING GUYS.

Also basically he was kinda selfish and self absorbed. Which was kinda expected because he LOCKED HIMSELF IN A TOWER FOR 10 YEARS RIGHT AFTER HIS BFFSIE 4EVARS DIED.

Also basically he broke the 4th wall a lot. Like, there was no 4th wall. It was broken. No more 4th wall. Or I guess you could also say he just used 1st person kinda like I do but whatever oh well close enough right and run on sentence ramblerambleramble you’ve stopped reading anyway.

BUT.

He was also pretty skeptical. And if you don’t know what that means go google it or something. Mom told me to tell you what it is. But you should know and I don’t feel like telling you. SO GO. Or stay if you know what the monkey I’m talking about.

ANYWAY. Mich was actually a part of this philosophical movement called The Skeptics.

Who questioned EVERYTHING. I don’t know. Are you reading this? I don’t know. Or are you just staring at this screen? Will you reread that sentence? Are you actually even there? I DUNNO. I DON’T THINK SO MAN. I DON’T THINK THAT’S RIGHT.

but.

He didn’t really think love had much to do with marriage. So he married practically. He was skeptical about education. And he was skeptical about religion.

AND THEN THE AGE OF REASON.

Anyway.

So he went around and traveled a little. Then someone made him mayor of Bordeaux. So he had to go home and he helped some people out.

AND THEN THE PLAGUE HAPPENED!

Yayyyy!

He kinda died. Which was coming. Because the plague.

So.

Uh.

Yeah. The end? Not much else. Because he. You know. Died. /awkward

I KNOW I'M SO GOOD AT TITLES LATELY BE JEALOUS.

Yo, guiz, this is so like totally awesome. This isn’t gonna be a depressing one~!

So this guy. Nicolaus Copernicus. He was Polish. Which means he’s like, instantly cool. And he was, like, the first to come up with the idea that the earth totally revolved around him the sun.

And he was TOTALLY right.

But so like we haven’t really talked about Poland a whole lot. But basically it had come out of a totally bad time of war and, like, junk. So they were seriously in a Golden Age, and this university opened which was, like, awesome.

So Nick went to this University. And he was in the church and he was like totally awesome. Well, he wasn’t AS awesome as the priest, but he was still like totally rad. But he like took a break and he went over to Italy for a little bit.

Nick was like totally into watching the nick sky and like stuff. And he was like lookin at the starts and stuff and he noticed that they like, totally moved differently than what he thought and it like reallly confused him and, like, stuff.

So Do you guys remember Ptolemy? He was like, totally smart. But he thought that the earth stood still and everything moved around it. But that was, like, wrong. Copernicus like totally jacked this other theory some other people had come up with.

He, like, thought that he the sun was, like, totally the center of the universe, and, like, the earth moved around on it’s axis.

But so like in 1522 he wrote this thing about his idea. And so like this was 5 years after Martin Luther was all up in duh Reformation. But so Nick was, like, a little shy because he knew that the big fish wouldn’t like his ideas.

And when the big fish didn’t like someone, the Inquisition got THEIR nose all up in the little fish’s buzznuzz and gurrrl. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS~!

Bonfire!

Now I dunno if Nick was wise or if he was just cowardly, but he didn’t really publish “his” shtuff right away because the Inquisition.

So Luther and Calvin were like “ok we can bond over out mutual hatred for this idea ok?” And they did.

So This kinda brough Nick’s spirits down since his, like, idols were hatin on him and his ideas. And so like so he wouldn’t be, like, totally roasted alive he went and studied medicine and economics and, like, stuff.

But he still loved to like, look at the sky and stuff. Totally.

Like, he, like, didn’t have telescopes either but he followed Mars in the sky.

Nick also had a brofriend. And so his frand was like, “Bro you NEED to publish your shtuff like totally” and so Nick was like old and shtuff and he was like “ok.”

But so Nick was pretty much dying when he book came out. And ohmigosh he was like going through the pages and he died.

And it was good that he died because the church was like “GURL NO YOU CAN’T DO THAT” And so was the Inquisition. And they also didn’t really understand it and it was condemned as heresy. And they like banned the book and hand it burned and ohmigosh. And ok so like maybe I lied in the beginning but it's too late because THIS POST IS OVER.

Actually, It's Really Creepy.

So y’all mumember Sir Thomas More? With Henry? Of course you do!

Well he was born in London. And he went to school and was a good little boy and alla that jayazz. This ARchbishop said he’d grow up to be an awsum opossum and he did. He went to Oxford and of course went and lookedd at Greek and Latin and blahbluhblahbluhbluhhh. He wrote some books and some funnies and read some Eramus and you know how that goes.

And so Tom met Eramus teamed up because they both liked thuh funnies. They both had a sense of humor.

EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE FRANDS, EVERY FRANDS HAVE FRANDFIGHTS.

You see, Tom was a bit more serious when it came to faith and religion and all that buzznuzz. He looked into the monky shtuff, but then he thought “but I like women and he wanted to get married so he did which means he couldn’t be a monk and run-on sentence. So he because a judge for Henry!

But before he did that, he wrote a book. It was called Utopia. Which was a funny play on words because in Greek it means something along the lines of “No Place”. So I’m gonna hope you guys know what a utopia is. It’s al perfect and beautiful and all that.

And there was a point to this book about utopia. He made some suggestions in the book about how such a place should be ruled and shtuff, and about how it’s all herpderpy and stuff.

He wrote the book about himself and a sailor and a friend, so it’s kinda hard to tell what’s made up and what isn’t. You see, the sailor was talking to them about an island he found called Utopia. Which is all perfect and stuff. Sorta.

Everyone is the same. Exactly the same. They all grow gardens. They all do the same thing. They all do them at the same time. They all work. They all Read. They all see each other at the same time. They all. Are. The. Same.

Which is only slightly creepy.

So after he wrote this, he had some serious things to keep him busy and went all SUPERPOLITICS MAN mode.

So Tom got knighted! Because the king looked at him and said, “You look more like a Sir than a Thomas to me. Your name is now Sir and Thomas is your middle name. Cool beans yeah? WELL IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK BECAUSE I’M THE KING TROLOLOLO.”

So you see, when Henry insisted that his peeps signed something that said he could get annuled marriage, Sir didn’t want to do it.

And when he asked to say why he didn’t want to sign the paper, he zipped his mouth shut, then locked it with a key, then dug a hole, then buried the key, then built a house on top of the hole where he buried the key, then moved into the house on top of the hole. Obviously. That way he could not be accused of treason because he didn’t actually say anything.

Sir stood his ground. He wasn’t going to sign that paper. But the people found a guy who lied against Sir in court. He said he heard Sir say something treasonous (which is a word, thank you very much.) then he was put to death.

Sir walked on to his execution without a fight, and forgave the guy who lied about him. Which probably means the guy was feeling really really bad about it because he was forgiven. Because right after that Sir was killed.

Yeeeah.

But Sir Thomas More was declared a saint, and still is to this day.

Sneaky Little Polisticsss. Wicked, Tricksy, False!

Today, I received some horrible news.
You guys remember Paul the Octopus?
HE’S DEAD NOW.
Actually, he’s been dead for about a year. The one year anniversary was on the 26th of October.
BUT STILL, HIS NAME HAS LIVED ON, HAS IT NOT?
Yes, it has.
You know whose name has lived on too?
Niccolo Machiavelli.
...
Honestly, I’ve never heard of this guy. His name lives on as a political term.
I guess I’m just one of those weird homeschoolers or something.
Why would that be?
BECAUSE IT REFERS TO TRICKSEY DECEITFUL AND DISHONEST POLITICS, THAT’S WHY.
So we can only assume that Niccolo was similar.
BUT.
As you can probably tell, Nic was a full-blooded Italian. He came from Florence. And by now, you guys should know how Florence worked. Lots of men running around painting other men and sculting other men and writing and painting and sculpting and FASHION DESIGNING FABULOUS.
So at the time Nic was around, Lorenzo was around for a little bit.
AND THEN ROLA.
but only for about 6 years.
And the remaining Medicis were overthrown.
So here is where Nic comes in.
He was hired to work for Florence. The Renaissance was in full swing by now.
So Nic was working in Politics and government stuffz. He worked for a man named Cesare Borgia.
Now let’s take a look at Cesare’s family.
THE BORGIAS.
They were a a ~sinister~ clan from Spain, and they HATED the Medicis. (Mark one.)
DUH DUH DUHHH.
They were very rich and powerful, and one of them was a Pope. A really bad Pope. He has lots of children.
Not wifes. Or a wife. (two)
Multiple children.
AND CASARE WAS ONE OF THEM. (three)
So he was like triple bad.
And, of course, he decided to go for the fourth bad by being charming, good looking, intelligent, and was a PARTAY ANIMUHHHL. (fourrr.)
He took advantage of his father’s position (five.) to get things he wanted (six).
Because of his father, Cesare was appointed as a cardinal in the church. However, he soon grew weary of church buzznuzz. (seven.)
So he got his father to get him out of the position. (eiiiight.)
He also went on long. Expensive. Journeys. (nine.) Which were more exciting than his marriage, if you catch my drift. (TEN.)
He shot prisoners for sport as well. (Eleven?)
And...
EW.
EWEWEWEW.
He was in love with his sister. (TWELVE.)
And so he murdered her husband. (Thirteen.)
He also murdered a lot of other people, but hey. Let’s just count that as one. (FOUR. TEEN.)
Also, he was jealous because his brother was a soldier. So he murdered him. (fifteen.)
FIF.
TEEN.
FIFTEEN.
FIFTEEN BAD MARKS.
So he was pretty much evil.
AND IT WAS THIS SCARY EVIL DOOD THAT NIC WORKED FOR.
So he watched in his position he held for fourteen years as Cesare got everything he wanted. However, Cesare did not last fourteen years.
For Florence, it was good riddance. So the Medicis came back, and Nic was arrested. And not only was he arrested, but he was tortured and sentenced for exile. It was not a fun place.
Nic really really wanted Italy to be a country, not a bunch of city-states. He wanted to be like Spain, England, and France.
So while dood was in exile, he began to write.
HE WROTE ESSAYS.
He wrote a particularly long essay on how to solve the problems of Italy. It was about how the power of one person could shape an entire nation. Guess who one of the role-models was for this?
Cesare.
OH, nevermind that he was a ruthless murderer! Nevermind that he was a Renaissancian gangster! Nevermind that he was probably insane!
Let’s take a quote.
“It is far better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both.”
“A prince should not deviate from what is good, but he should know how to do evil if it is necessary.”
“Violence should be inflicted, once for all.”
“Princes, who have achieved great things, have given their word lightly, have known how to trick men with cunning, and have overcome those abiding by honest principles.”
ASDFKHGKHN
ASDFGHJJKL
ZXCVBNM,
DFHJBASLKVHQBI
IS THIS GUY /INSANE/?
WHAT.
WHAT.
WHATWHATWHAT.
So this al summed up:
IF YOU’RE A JERKFACE, YOU’RE GONNA GO FAR.
asdfghbcvbt63zh
NOW BEFORE WE MAKE NIC SOUND ANY WORSE (if that’s possible?)
Historians do not agree on if it’s a fo rhulz essay. If it was a satire or not.
Some people think it’s simply an observation. Not how he believed, but just what he saw.
But as you can guess, many a dictator has appreciated these works.
Genius decided to send the Medicis a copy.
The didn’t like it, and he stayed in exile.
He also wrote ANOTHER essay, which totally contradicted the first one.
I’m thinkin’ he just hated exile, so he decided to try and write whatever would get him in good with the Medicis.
He also wrote things other than political stuff. He wrote history, poetry, and comedy.
wut.
I don’t know, he just doesn’t seem like a very humorous guy.
BUT.
His name lives on, even if it was supposed to used in the way it is or not.
If that makes sense.

More Moose~!

So far, we’ve only really talked about sculptors and painters and stuff.
BUT THIS GUY IS A WRITER.
And his name was Erasmus.

ERASMUS DESIDERIUS.
And it means “Desired beloved”. Most people think he probably gave that name to himself.
I mean, if I gave a name to myself, I’d give myself something like that.
And his most famous work is called “In Praise of Folly”. I know, folly is bad. It is a bad thing. I dunno.
When he was young, Mus’s parents died and his new guardians sent him off to the Monastery. He didn’t really like the Monastery, but he did like the books there. So he went anyways. But he didn’t like the Monk stuff he had to do. He didn’t like fasting, he didn’t like eating fish during Lent, and he wasn’t really suited to be a monk. So he just said “forget that” and he became a priest, but that didn’t really work for him either.
So he went to Paris!
He loved books, reading, writing, etc. etc. blah blah blah. He particularly liked Plato. Because to be allowed in the Renaissance, you had to be really really smart.
He already knew Latin, and he taught himself Greek. He decided to update the Latin Vulgate. According to Erasmus, the Vulgate was incorrect. His “updates” became really controversial. However, it made him famus. A lot of people were angry with him because they liked the old Vulgate. And others just thought he was a hypocrite. Which was why being a Monk and/or Priest did not suit him.
So he just kinda went back and forth from that point on between Paris, Rome, and London. He wrote a book of quotes while he was in Paris, which was a best seller. It was pretty much the Cliffnotes of the Renaissance, and he added some of his own quotes and comments.
He was offered a job at the Vatican wif Mr. P-to-da-ope, but he turned it down. He was offered a job at a university, but he also turned it down. He did get a job with King Henry VIII, but it was relly boring and he quit.
So in 1511, he wrote In Praise of Folly. It is a satiric novel.
Ohic.
He pretty much offends everyone in the book. He especially attacks the Church, but he was right about most of it.
WIN.
Other works he wrote urged Christians to come back to, well, good sense.
HOWEVER.
Erasmus was a Humanist.
He questioned Jesus’ God-ness, and his own Christian beliefs.
So.
Uhm.
Yuhh.
That’s about it.
UHM OH NO A STEGOSAURUS.

ITS TIME FOR ANOTHER EMO HISTORY POETRY SLAM~!

So, I have never heard of this guy. Mom has never heard of this guy. Nobody I know has heard of this guy.
Well maybe my uncle, but that doesn’t matter.
But apparently this is a sad story. D:
IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER EMO HISTORY POETRY SLAM.
John Huss, also written as Jan Hus. Pronounced JHAN GOOSE.
lulz
He was just 10 when John Wycliffe died. Remember him? HE WAS THE MORNING STAR THINGY.
Now Jan Hus and John Wycliffe never met. They never met, but there is another connection. Besides having the same (sounding) first name.
The king of England, John’s homeland, married the Queen of Bohemia, the homeland of Jan.
Which means that Jan got to go to Oxford, where John Wycliffe was famous. Sooo Jan got to learn about John and his teachings. Naturally, they took the ideas of the reformation to Bohemia.
And that’s how a lot of people learned about John.
So Jan was a scholar and a priest. He taught at Charles University in Prauge, pronounced Prog.

...
So Jan, with an open mind, began to read all the writings of John and he realized his errors and all that. So the logical thing to do, after reading some forbidden texts, is to....
TRANSLATE AND DISTRIBUTE IT IN SCHOOL!
Yeah. Scholar. Smart guy, he was.
So Jan was forbidden to discuss John or his teachings. lulz.
BUT HE DID IT SOME MOAR.
And then he became liked amongst the masses. And the Queen. And everyone.
Except the church. Especially the Pope. They felt very very threatened, so the Archbishop decided to burn all of Hus’ writings. He punished the city of Prauge just because of Jan. So Jan got smart here and he fled.
And here comes teh evil monkeh wrench.
So in the church at this time, there was a dispute as to who was actually Mr. P-to-da-ope. There were three men, each claiming to be Mr. P-to-da-ope. There was a guy in France saying, “I’M DA POPE.”
And a guy in Rome saying, “I’M DA POPE.”
And here comes Trollzilla in Germany saying, “LOLNOPE NONE’A YOU GUYZ R POPE, I AM.”
And the reason we’re bringing this up is to show you the state of the Church.
So you got three different guys saying, I’M DA POPE.
Jan was running around, and John was famous, so the Holy Roman Emperor called a meeting.
They had representatives from France, England, Italy, and the Holy Roman Empire. Which is Germany. They got together and tried to solve the triple-pope problem.
So what do you think happened? You would’a thought the Jonas Brothers were in town or something, because there were SO MANY PEOPLE THERE.
lolnope nobody cares about the Jonas Brothers.
Well it ended the triple-pope problem. You know who got to be Mr. P-to-da-ope? NOBODY! A whole new Mr. P-to-da-ope got picked.
Something sad about this is that he was invited to the council. IT’S A TRAP.

So John was not even put on trial. He was pretty much thrown into a hole in the ground. And not a big one. I’m talkin’ a tiny hole. Well it wasn’t really a hole, but it was about as bad as a hole. I’M CONFUSED NAO.
Ok. So, we got this cleared up. It was a cell which with really bad conditions and it was really small, LIKE a tiny hole in the ground.
So Jan could have escaped from it. The townspeople were RIOTING in this. They would have broken him out. He had friends BEGGING TO BREAK HIM OUT. He could have denied his teachings. But he didn’t. He stayed in jail.
He said he’d take back everything if he was proved wrong from scripture. Guess who was never proved wrong? JAN.
So they decided to vote if he was to die or not.
And they voted that he should die.
Guess who else they said should... uh... die...?
JOHN WYCLIFFE, WHO HAD BEEN DEAD FOR OVER 30 YEARS.
Failmode: On.
So they burned him at the stake. He probably could have escaped in the insanity, but no, he was found in his cell, praying. His cell was not locked.
It was customary to burn heretics at the stake, so the Church would not have to spill blood.
TROLOLOLO OH MAN THAT’S A GOOD ONE BECAUSE THE CHURCH HAS NEVER SPILLED BLOOD LOLOLOLOLO-
Oh.
Oh, they really did burn heretics at the stake? For that reason? I still think that’s funny.
1,000 body guards escorted him. They placed a paper crown on his head, and he sang hymns before he died. They asked him to deny what he said, but he wouldn’t.
Jan Hus had his own followers, like the LOLLARDS. They called themselves the Hussites, and they caused a civil war. lulz. Some broke away from the followers after this and started another Brethren.
THE ENDDD.
Uhmyuh.

SO THERE IS AN INN KEEPER!

So books are fun, yeah? OF COURSE THEY ARE.
Well, our good frand Geoffrey was a story teller. He wrote books and told stories, and his most famous is The Canterbury Tales.
It opens up in Tabard Inn, London England. Everyone knows that the heroes meet up in the Tavern. I’ll bet you the inn keeper used to be, like, you know, a knight or a wizard or something and had some great quest for them to go on and-
Nope? Nobody? No one following me? Eh. Whatever.
There wasn’t even an inn keeper. I lied.
Anyways, there were 29 characters. Dood. Overkill much? Eh, it’s his book. Anyways, there were 29 everyday-type people.
What? No dragon-slayers? Not even any High Elves? Gosh. They meet in a tavern, but it’s a regular old inn-keeper. But there was a knight! YAY.
But this was a chivalrous knight. Not the kind that would run out and kill something, or go and do something brave and bold and heroic. Something.... Medieval quest-y. Eh.
There was a Nun.... ok.... That works. She was coy. And she had very very good table manners. Which he goes into. Great. Detail. On. Hmh. Well. We have a coy nun with amazing table manners, a Chivalrous knight. Ok.
We have a Wife of Bath. Who had 5 husbands in her whole life, and a lot of other boifrands earlier in her life. She had a really big hat. A really really big hat. And she was funny. So we have a funny lover, a coy nun with amazing table manners, and a Chivalrous knight.
We have a priest or something. He was a scholar without a lotta money. We have a poor Priest, a funny lover, a coy nun with amazing table manners, and a Chivalrous knight.
And we have a really. Really. Fat. Miller. A fat wrestler miller. Who told... interesting tales. He played bagpipes. We have a wrestler miller fatty drunk-bagpiper, a poor priest, a funny lover, a coy nun with amazing table manners, and a Chivalrous knight.
Woah.
So what are these guys up to? Did the Inn keeper actually go and send them on a quest?
lolnope.
They went on a pilgrimage!
They’re going to visit the shrine of Thomas Becket. A whole lot of people went to visit his shrine back then, so that was historically accurate. Apparently, it’s still a sight worth seeing.
SO THERE IS AN INN KEEPER.
The Inn Keeper comes up to them and sees them all sad. So he comes up and says “OY GUYS TELL STORIES ON THE WAY AND ON THE WAY BACK. I’LL GIVE THE BEST ONE A FREE MEAL.”
Eh.
He could have had a better quest, but you know. It’s historical fiction. Close enough.
So apparently, the whole thing is just a buncha stories within a story.
STORYCEPTION.
He only completed 1/5th of the book. Awh. Because he died before it could be finished D:
So yeah.
Uhm.

I might post a little book report on mah other blog. I might post it here. We’ll find out. For the time being, I have an amazing bowl of chilli-cheese tots I’m DYING to eat. They’re getting cold.
GOODBYE BLARGH.