YAY MASSACRE.

So this is gonna be a wonderful post, BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT A MASSACRE. Hooray, senseless killing!

Ha ha yeah no. BUT HANG ON.

France. Catherine de Medici was like “LET’S HAVE A WEDDING” but then Jeanne died and everyone got sad but that’s ok kinda, because then there was a wedding which made everyone happy again.

BUT.

The groom was protestant, and the bride was Catholic. Which means there’s gonna be a big giant mess. And the Groom, Jeanne’s son, was like “yeah mom i’ll help you with alla that Protestant stuff yeah.” And he meant it. But, well, it was kinda hard to do that.

AND WHY?

BECAUSE PEOPLE ENJOYED BLOODY WARS.

18 attacks on Protestants, 5 on Catholics, and at least 30 assassinations. IN JUST TEN YEARS. And Charles IX was all up in the buzznuzz too and was like “IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE TAKE THESE” and he gave them four towns. Even though he was Catholic?

Anyways.

So Catherine wasn’t really as much of a problem as anyone thoughts, because she was a lot more humanistic than she was Catholic. Now she didn’t really help the Protestant’s either, but she was just kinda herpderp. But she was really really powerhungry. And she assassinated a little LOT OF PEOPLE.

BAI THUH WAI. THIS IS A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE OF MACHIAVELLIAN TENDENCIES YEW GUIZ.

and sadistic tendencies but that doesnt really matter because it’s a little obvious.

SO THE ROYAL WEDDING.

It was really awkward. Everyone was all smiley but on the inside everyone was FREAKING THE MONKEY OUT because they knew the marriage would probably start of ANOTHER MONKEYING WAR.

Anyway.

So this priest was kinda scared because he thought that Henry would be the French King soon and he would start protestants and oh man no. So he went up to Catherine and was like “YOU KNOW HE’S GONNA JACK YOUR THRONE.” and she was like “o noez.” So she was like “LET’S PLOT US SOME MURDERS” and then they did and had a nice time.

The victim was a protestant Admiral named Coligney and he was really big and she knew that’d help Henry be the not French King.

And then it failed.

SO MUCH FAIL.

And everyone knew that Catherine tried to do it, and she started panicking so she just kinda executed Coligney AND ALL THE PROTESTANT LEADERS IN PARIS.

That just kinda happened to line up with Saint Bartholomew’s Day and everyone was like “herpderp” and it was called a Massacre. Because it kinda was. They just shot everyone.

Which is really sad and sorta derpy because earlier Charles was like “If you were gonna try to kill Coligney y u no just kill everyone” but it was kinda joking.

But then Catholic was like “SORRY I ACCIDENTALLY ALL THE LEADERS.”

And Charles got to watch the whole thing yayy.

Eventually, an angry riotmobthing started going after EVERYONE and killing them and basically it was really really bad. And then it spread from Paris out and it went on for days and weeks and blah.

And what had started as a screwed up murder everyone just started getting murdered. And now Catherine was like OH MAN OH GOSH WHAT AM I GONNA DOOOO~ and she lied and she was like “NO I DUDN’T WANNA KILL HIM CAUSE PROTESTANT I WANTED TO CAUSE UHH LIES.”

Which was an obvious lie and nobody believed her.

And she basically singlehandedly ruined France by not murdering someone well enough. The Civil War went on for another Civil War. And then Charles died and Henry became king and then Catherine died and death and sadness and herpderpfails. And then Henry got assassinated AND THEN IT WAS FINALLY THAT OTHER HENRY’S TURN.

The groom from the wedding? Yeah.

HENRY IV. Even though there have been like a hundredthousandbillionzilliongajilion other Henrys. Anyway! There was a big giant mess for Henry to clean up, anddd he decided to say “SORRY MUMSIE~” and he was Catholic. He made the Edicts of Nantes which was basically “PROTESTANTS ARE COOL YEW GUIZ.” but that didn’t really keep them safe.

Awh.

BUT SOW.

These guiz were basically your greatgreatgreatgreat or however old grandfather. Because the Pilgrims were the descendants of the French Protestants.

OBAITHUHWAY I forgot to say the official name for the French Protestants is “Huguenot.” But I just realized I never put that in here and herpderpmonkeyfails.

THIS IS REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT YEW GUIZ.

So a town was called Whitenburg.
Hurpderpp.
AND IT WAS HALLOWEEN.
But people were going about their buzznuzz, But there was /extra/ excitement in the air.
BECAUSE IT WAS HALLOWEEN.
So the next day, November 1st, was All Saints Day. Which was about all saints.
O RLY.
So on this All Saints Day, there was going to be sumthin speeshull. A bunch of Holy Relics were going to be on display for the public to see. So as townspeople come up together, nobody really noticed ol’ Martin Luther go and stick a document up on the door of the church.
So what was on it?
95 THESIS POINTS.
Which means it had a buncha words.
And it has been remembered as the 95 Theses. I don’t know why it’s spelled different. But it is.
BUT WHAT WERE THESE WORDS ABOUT?
They were inviting the big fishies of the church to a debate. But it was written in Latin so the common peeps could not read it and it could only been read by the big fishies.
But this isn’t as weird as it is today. Doors were kinda like community bulletin boards.
I WANT MY DOOR TO BE A COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD 3:
So what was the debate about?
INDULGENCES.

So they all went and shared their cake recipies and-
No.
THESE INDULGENCES.

So these little pieces of paper. Muhmember them? OF COURSE YOU DO. If you don’t go google it or go find the post where I talk about them.
These had been given out for well over 300 years at the time of MARTIN LUTHER.
So Mr. P-to-da-ope Leo X was in the position. WE’LL CALL HIM X.
Because people with one letter names are cool.
Right now I can only come up with M, K, and L, but you know. Nobody knows who those people are. (except for maybe L and if you know who he is you get a big giant cookie.)
SO X WAS WORKING ON BUILDING ST. PETER’S CATHEDRAL AT ROME.
So yeah.
During this time, he kinda slaked off on his popey duties.
...
His Papal Business. (That’s better.)
SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING SPECTACULAR?
You hire people!
SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HIRE PEOPLE?
You pay them!
SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PAY THEM?
You run out of money!
YAAYY-wait.
So X was pretty much out of money.
SO HE STARTED REALLY SELLING THOSE INDULGENCESSS!
YAAYY-wait.
So this guy named Johann Tetzel was hired. To offer indulgences, and future indulgences! Which means you can pay now and sin later! Awesome, right? No. Yeah. But Still, he offered those. Meaning, he went around and up to people saying, “I CAN HELP YEWW.” Like those annoying mall people. You don’t go up and look at their little carts, they’re like “MAH HURR SHTUFF YAH YU BUY HURR SHTUFF YOU PRETTY HURR LET ME DO HURR SHO JOO CHAN BYY HURR SHTUFF. IN THE SALT SEA FROM SNAKES AND SALT DEAD STUFF SEA SHTUUFFF BUY PLEEESHHHEEE?”
Except he waz lyke
“MAH INDULGUNCHHH. I CHAN HEELP JOO. INDULGUNCHHH SHAVEE JOO. YAH YU BYY INDULGUNCHHHH PLEEESHHEEE?”
Or like a timeshare place thing. But I’ve never done or been to or whatever a timeshare thingy, so whatever. BUT APPARENTLY IT WAS JUST LIKE THAT :|
Sort of.
So he had this big giant ceremony with this big elaborate speech. He put the little indulgence on a velvet pillow. He had a little jingle. He had a big speech and he tried to convince everyone to buy an indulgence.
And a LOT of people did.
So what’d he do with the money from his indulgences?
TWO THINGS.
Uno: He helped build up St. Peter’s Cathedral.
And numbah two: He payed the depts of another Bishop.
herpderp.
He pretty much abused the system. Really bad. He conned common peeps into getting indulgences because they had no clue what they were. He pretty much coned everyone into getting them, actually.
And yes, people do agree that tinsel boy over here was a con artist and a jerk.
So What does Martin have to do with this?
He was a part of the system that was being abused, and apart of the system that was abusing.
Now he was not the first to go “waitwut.” Plenty of people before him were flippin’ out about the Church selling eternal life on a velvet pillow. Literally.
But Martin was pretty much the first person to get around to doing anything about it.
So in 1517 (OH LOOK IT’S A DATE.) he wasn’t really trying to start a revolt/riot/Occupy Wall Street.
SO WHAT WAS HE EVEN DOING?
I’ll tell you after this big history we’re gonna go in!

So he was raised in a strict family. He was gonna be a lawyer, but THERE WAS A THUNDERSTORM. And there was a tornado and his house got picked up and he was whisked away to Oz and met some munchkins and got some red sparkly slippers and then something else happened and I forgot but he woke up and it was all a dream or WHATEVER it’s been forever since that movie. And he started praying to St. Ann and that if his life was spared he’d be a monk So his life was spared and he be a monk. Yayyy. He spent a long time in prayer, and in fasting, and in sitting in the emo corner.
SO HE WAS AN EMONK.
Quiet. Didn’t eat. Emo corner.
HE WAS TOTALLY AN EMONK.
So he was all sad panda.
AND HE RAN AWAY.
Wellnotreally.
But he went to Rome and pilgramaged.
BUT HE WAS STILL SAD PANDA EMONK.
Other monks suggested Martin READ THE BIBLE A LITTLE MORE CAREFULLY. So he did. He went into conversion mode.
So yay!
He gave lectures on theology, and he was a cool person.
So this is why he was all “Waitwutindulgences.”
SO HE DID SOMETHING ABOUT THESE GOSH INDULGENCES.
Debateherpderps.
And it shturred up a big ol’ pot’uh stank.
It opened a big ol’ can’uh whorms.
It... It...
IT WAS BAD.
C-C-C-CLIFF HANGHURR.

Sneaky Little Polisticsss. Wicked, Tricksy, False!

Today, I received some horrible news.
You guys remember Paul the Octopus?
HE’S DEAD NOW.
Actually, he’s been dead for about a year. The one year anniversary was on the 26th of October.
BUT STILL, HIS NAME HAS LIVED ON, HAS IT NOT?
Yes, it has.
You know whose name has lived on too?
Niccolo Machiavelli.
...
Honestly, I’ve never heard of this guy. His name lives on as a political term.
I guess I’m just one of those weird homeschoolers or something.
Why would that be?
BECAUSE IT REFERS TO TRICKSEY DECEITFUL AND DISHONEST POLITICS, THAT’S WHY.
So we can only assume that Niccolo was similar.
BUT.
As you can probably tell, Nic was a full-blooded Italian. He came from Florence. And by now, you guys should know how Florence worked. Lots of men running around painting other men and sculting other men and writing and painting and sculpting and FASHION DESIGNING FABULOUS.
So at the time Nic was around, Lorenzo was around for a little bit.
AND THEN ROLA.
but only for about 6 years.
And the remaining Medicis were overthrown.
So here is where Nic comes in.
He was hired to work for Florence. The Renaissance was in full swing by now.
So Nic was working in Politics and government stuffz. He worked for a man named Cesare Borgia.
Now let’s take a look at Cesare’s family.
THE BORGIAS.
They were a a ~sinister~ clan from Spain, and they HATED the Medicis. (Mark one.)
DUH DUH DUHHH.
They were very rich and powerful, and one of them was a Pope. A really bad Pope. He has lots of children.
Not wifes. Or a wife. (two)
Multiple children.
AND CASARE WAS ONE OF THEM. (three)
So he was like triple bad.
And, of course, he decided to go for the fourth bad by being charming, good looking, intelligent, and was a PARTAY ANIMUHHHL. (fourrr.)
He took advantage of his father’s position (five.) to get things he wanted (six).
Because of his father, Cesare was appointed as a cardinal in the church. However, he soon grew weary of church buzznuzz. (seven.)
So he got his father to get him out of the position. (eiiiight.)
He also went on long. Expensive. Journeys. (nine.) Which were more exciting than his marriage, if you catch my drift. (TEN.)
He shot prisoners for sport as well. (Eleven?)
And...
EW.
EWEWEWEW.
He was in love with his sister. (TWELVE.)
And so he murdered her husband. (Thirteen.)
He also murdered a lot of other people, but hey. Let’s just count that as one. (FOUR. TEEN.)
Also, he was jealous because his brother was a soldier. So he murdered him. (fifteen.)
FIF.
TEEN.
FIFTEEN.
FIFTEEN BAD MARKS.
So he was pretty much evil.
AND IT WAS THIS SCARY EVIL DOOD THAT NIC WORKED FOR.
So he watched in his position he held for fourteen years as Cesare got everything he wanted. However, Cesare did not last fourteen years.
For Florence, it was good riddance. So the Medicis came back, and Nic was arrested. And not only was he arrested, but he was tortured and sentenced for exile. It was not a fun place.
Nic really really wanted Italy to be a country, not a bunch of city-states. He wanted to be like Spain, England, and France.
So while dood was in exile, he began to write.
HE WROTE ESSAYS.
He wrote a particularly long essay on how to solve the problems of Italy. It was about how the power of one person could shape an entire nation. Guess who one of the role-models was for this?
Cesare.
OH, nevermind that he was a ruthless murderer! Nevermind that he was a Renaissancian gangster! Nevermind that he was probably insane!
Let’s take a quote.
“It is far better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both.”
“A prince should not deviate from what is good, but he should know how to do evil if it is necessary.”
“Violence should be inflicted, once for all.”
“Princes, who have achieved great things, have given their word lightly, have known how to trick men with cunning, and have overcome those abiding by honest principles.”
ASDFKHGKHN
ASDFGHJJKL
ZXCVBNM,
DFHJBASLKVHQBI
IS THIS GUY /INSANE/?
WHAT.
WHAT.
WHATWHATWHAT.
So this al summed up:
IF YOU’RE A JERKFACE, YOU’RE GONNA GO FAR.
asdfghbcvbt63zh
NOW BEFORE WE MAKE NIC SOUND ANY WORSE (if that’s possible?)
Historians do not agree on if it’s a fo rhulz essay. If it was a satire or not.
Some people think it’s simply an observation. Not how he believed, but just what he saw.
But as you can guess, many a dictator has appreciated these works.
Genius decided to send the Medicis a copy.
The didn’t like it, and he stayed in exile.
He also wrote ANOTHER essay, which totally contradicted the first one.
I’m thinkin’ he just hated exile, so he decided to try and write whatever would get him in good with the Medicis.
He also wrote things other than political stuff. He wrote history, poetry, and comedy.
wut.
I don’t know, he just doesn’t seem like a very humorous guy.
BUT.
His name lives on, even if it was supposed to used in the way it is or not.
If that makes sense.