UHM PLEASE EXCUSE ME BEING REALLY IGNORANT ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY SEEN THE SILENCE EPISODE PLEASE DONT HURT ME HALKJWHEKJH.

So this guy has a sorta weird nickname. It was “The Silent”

silence will fall when the question is asked.

Yay Silents. silence will fall.

BUT SO.

Silents are actually Dutch, and the Doctor is actually a Spaniard. And they both fought over the Netherlands. Yay!

WE KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THE NETHERLANDS.

So. William was pretty much the Father of the Netherlands. BUT LET’S STEP INTO THE TARDIS AND CONTINUE WITH THIS DOCTOR WHO THEME. silence will fall when the question is asked.

Charles V. Holy Roman Empire. And he was like “MARTIN LUTHER IS A HERETIC” at Wyrms. Turns out that the family he was from kinda inherited the Netherlands. Charles was fond of the city of Brussels. Which is in Belgium. Which was a part of the Netherlands. And Brussels was one of his favourite place to live. And even though they didn’t really like him, they kinda considered him to be Dutch.

Anyway, the Netherlands started being Protestant. And then the Inquisition! And people were burned and tortured and all that nice stuff. 5,000 protestants were put to death. THEN THINGS GOT WORSE. silence will fall.

Charles kinda retired and gave the throne to his son. Who was not named Charles. His son’s name was Philip II. But he didn’t like the Netherlands. He just kinda thought it was a place to herpderp. So he decided to declare war on the Netherlands!

ANYWAY.

William the Silent! silence will fall when the question is asked.

He was actually German. And he was the Prince of Orange. He was raised Protestant but trained Catholic. Which made things kinda awkward. And when he was old enough, he got put in charge of some Catholic troops in France. Which was good. His buddy was Charles V and everyone was happy.

THEN PHILIP.

Who wasn’t technically the Emperor, but he was still nice to Philip.

For a little. He made him governor of the Netherlands. Buuut then it was a steady decline and William didn’t really like how all of his people were getting killed. And he pretty much got told that Philip was teaming up with France to KILL ALL THE PROTESTANTS. silence will fall.

So William kinda had an official side-switch. He was now pro-Protestant.

AND OGURLLLLLLLL.

Then a revolt! silence will fall when the question is asked.

The leadership of said revolt was kinda thrown on to William, and he was kinda confused. But he fought anyway.

Also I guess we just kinda dropped that whole Doctor Who thing we had going. silence will fall when the question is asked.

ANYWAY.

So he was revolting against Spain. But he wasn’t a very good leader. And he had to ask France for help. And he didn’t go to church a lot because he was busy leading a revolt. And the Catholics didn’t really like him either. Oh, and his brother got dead too. silence will fall.

BASICALLY EVERYONE HATED HIM.

So this Dude Duke. He was sent from Spain to the Netherlands to set up the “Council of Troubles.”

Which was... Troubling.

:D

silence will fall when the question is asked.

...

Anyway!

So a lot of people were killed because they weren’t for the Spanish or the Catholics. And more just kinda got everything taken away from them. And it was also called the Council of Blood, but both names are good. Er, bad. They’re bad names. But they are accurate ones.

AND OGURLLLLLLLL.

THE CITY OF ANTWERP.

...

IT GOT PILLAGED. By the Spanish. They kinda went insane and moved south and they started killing all of these Dutch and oh man it was bad. It was really bad. silence will fall.

So pretty much the North and South part of the Netherlands had been divided. They were really different and they didn’t really help each other out.

UNTIL THEN. They signed this treaty thing and they fought together. Well, for a while. Because Spain won back the Southern Part.

herpderpderp.

But so a bunch of Northern Parts broke up and one was the Republic of the United Netherlands. And the other part was Belgium.

Anyway.

The Dutch signed their own Declaration of Independence and it basically said “WE’RE NOT HERE FOR SPAIN.”

And Philip didn’t like that.

So he was like “NO MOAR WILLIAM.” And then he put up an old west wanted poster. Hooowever, multiple attempts were made. Most failed. Until this insane Fenchman came, SNUCK INTO HIS HOUSE WHILE HE WAS EATING DINNER WITH HIS FAMILY, AND THEN SHOT HIM. WITH TWO PISTOLS. silence will fall.

herpderpderp.

This only made the Dutch more mad because that meant they had their very own martyr. Yay!

So the Dutch eventually totally won against the Spanish. They became a free country and they got a statue and they also got the colour orange.

YAY NETHERLANDS. DUTCH. BLEHBLUHBLEH.

/weirdending

P.S: In no way am I saying that the Doctor is a bad guy. And in no way am I in support of the Silents, or the Silence, or any of their associates. silence will fall when the question is asked.

YAY MASSACRE.

So this is gonna be a wonderful post, BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT A MASSACRE. Hooray, senseless killing!

Ha ha yeah no. BUT HANG ON.

France. Catherine de Medici was like “LET’S HAVE A WEDDING” but then Jeanne died and everyone got sad but that’s ok kinda, because then there was a wedding which made everyone happy again.

BUT.

The groom was protestant, and the bride was Catholic. Which means there’s gonna be a big giant mess. And the Groom, Jeanne’s son, was like “yeah mom i’ll help you with alla that Protestant stuff yeah.” And he meant it. But, well, it was kinda hard to do that.

AND WHY?

BECAUSE PEOPLE ENJOYED BLOODY WARS.

18 attacks on Protestants, 5 on Catholics, and at least 30 assassinations. IN JUST TEN YEARS. And Charles IX was all up in the buzznuzz too and was like “IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE TAKE THESE” and he gave them four towns. Even though he was Catholic?

Anyways.

So Catherine wasn’t really as much of a problem as anyone thoughts, because she was a lot more humanistic than she was Catholic. Now she didn’t really help the Protestant’s either, but she was just kinda herpderp. But she was really really powerhungry. And she assassinated a little LOT OF PEOPLE.

BAI THUH WAI. THIS IS A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE OF MACHIAVELLIAN TENDENCIES YEW GUIZ.

and sadistic tendencies but that doesnt really matter because it’s a little obvious.

SO THE ROYAL WEDDING.

It was really awkward. Everyone was all smiley but on the inside everyone was FREAKING THE MONKEY OUT because they knew the marriage would probably start of ANOTHER MONKEYING WAR.

Anyway.

So this priest was kinda scared because he thought that Henry would be the French King soon and he would start protestants and oh man no. So he went up to Catherine and was like “YOU KNOW HE’S GONNA JACK YOUR THRONE.” and she was like “o noez.” So she was like “LET’S PLOT US SOME MURDERS” and then they did and had a nice time.

The victim was a protestant Admiral named Coligney and he was really big and she knew that’d help Henry be the not French King.

And then it failed.

SO MUCH FAIL.

And everyone knew that Catherine tried to do it, and she started panicking so she just kinda executed Coligney AND ALL THE PROTESTANT LEADERS IN PARIS.

That just kinda happened to line up with Saint Bartholomew’s Day and everyone was like “herpderp” and it was called a Massacre. Because it kinda was. They just shot everyone.

Which is really sad and sorta derpy because earlier Charles was like “If you were gonna try to kill Coligney y u no just kill everyone” but it was kinda joking.

But then Catholic was like “SORRY I ACCIDENTALLY ALL THE LEADERS.”

And Charles got to watch the whole thing yayy.

Eventually, an angry riotmobthing started going after EVERYONE and killing them and basically it was really really bad. And then it spread from Paris out and it went on for days and weeks and blah.

And what had started as a screwed up murder everyone just started getting murdered. And now Catherine was like OH MAN OH GOSH WHAT AM I GONNA DOOOO~ and she lied and she was like “NO I DUDN’T WANNA KILL HIM CAUSE PROTESTANT I WANTED TO CAUSE UHH LIES.”

Which was an obvious lie and nobody believed her.

And she basically singlehandedly ruined France by not murdering someone well enough. The Civil War went on for another Civil War. And then Charles died and Henry became king and then Catherine died and death and sadness and herpderpfails. And then Henry got assassinated AND THEN IT WAS FINALLY THAT OTHER HENRY’S TURN.

The groom from the wedding? Yeah.

HENRY IV. Even though there have been like a hundredthousandbillionzilliongajilion other Henrys. Anyway! There was a big giant mess for Henry to clean up, anddd he decided to say “SORRY MUMSIE~” and he was Catholic. He made the Edicts of Nantes which was basically “PROTESTANTS ARE COOL YEW GUIZ.” but that didn’t really keep them safe.

Awh.

BUT SOW.

These guiz were basically your greatgreatgreatgreat or however old grandfather. Because the Pilgrims were the descendants of the French Protestants.

OBAITHUHWAY I forgot to say the official name for the French Protestants is “Huguenot.” But I just realized I never put that in here and herpderpmonkeyfails.

CAWERHKJH SO UNORIGINAL WITH TITLES JUST LEAVE ME.

So this lady was lucky. Sorta. Because she ruled two countries sammiched between Spain and France. But they don’t exist anymore.

HIPSTER LADY.

You’ve probably never heard of Jeanna. Or her countries. But you might have if you’re a history major or something. But most people aren’t. Silly non-history majors.

THIS CHICK.

She King of France’s niece. And she lived in Paris, which was SO CATHOLIC. But she was SO PROTESTANT. But he wasn’t really as focused on the Catholic part as he was on keeping her away from Philip II of Spain, WHO WAS AN UNMARRIED LOOSER WHO WOULD SETTLE FOR ANYONE.

Seriously. Phil was turned down by Elizabeth, Mary of Scots, and probably anyone else who he stalked wanted to marry.

(except for Bloody Mary. But she was kinda in the same NOBODY WILL MARRY ME predicament so she doesn’t count.)

So her mummy shipped Jeanna off to Paris when she was about 9, and Francis was like MEDDLEMEDDLEMEDDLE and when she turned twelve he was like MARRY THIS GERMAN DUDE SINCE HE’S RIGHT HERE EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE TWELVE.

And so then Jeanne was like “no.” And Francis was like “YESSS.” and Jeanne was like “noooo” and then they got married anyway. By force. Like4srs she was DRAGGED DOWN TO THE ALTER. And right after she got married she ran away to her mumsie.

The marriage was annulled.

BUT.

Nowadays she was all up in the Protestantantismantprotantantantantantismantism. And she got best frands with John Calvin and she had some tutors (Not Tudor.) and awesomesauce.

And when she turned 20, she got married! And she didn’t have to be dragged or anything!

But the marriage still stunnnnk. Because the guy she married was a loserwagon and he was like “I LIEK THIS WOMAN. AND THIS RELIGION. AND THIS CHURCH. LOL NO I LIKE THIS ONE BETTER. HEY WAIT NO THIS ONE IS COOL. WAIT HANG ON THIS WOMAN IS PRETTY.” and herpderpderp.

And so Jeanne was like “GOD HELP ME.” but like seriously she prayed a lot to God. For help.

So after her daddy died she got to be Queen of Navarre, which was her little country! Which means loserwagon got the be king. But so she gave birth to like 5 kids, but only two of them, you know, lived. So she basically had two kids. And she got real original with the names, let me tell you.

CATHERINE AND HENRY.

But . So she had a pretty tough job between France and Spain, because they were both like “I WANT THIS COUNTRY.” but she was like “newww” but they kept wanting. Because her little country was a Protestant country. Spain and France didn’t like that AT ALL.

And in 1560, she was like “HAY EVERYBODY, GUESS WHAT? I’M PROTESTANT!” and everyone was like “WAAAT.” And so now France, Spain, and Rome were like “we gunnna kheeeel yewww.”

But anyways. Jeanne and her loserwagon hung out in Paris a lot, because they were just kinda getting ready for the throne to open up. And while they were in Paris, religion was like “LOL” and it decided to flip the monkey out. Because Catherine, Queen of France, was like “NO MOAR PROTESTANTZ~!!1!”

Loserwagon was like “ok” and he was Catholic because he didn’t want to die. And then he asked for a divorce. He made her LEAVE HER 9 YEAR OLD SON IN PARIS. And then he made her go home.

KJAHFDKASJBFKADF.

The heck dude.

Oh. Also. Baithuhwai. Jeanne had tuberculosis! She was already tiny and weak and shtuffs, but she still survived.

But her ex-loserwagon died first.

And then Jeanne ruled her little country AWESOMELY, even though she was sick. And tiny. And without a husband or son.

She finally decided to make her little countrycitything into an official Protestant state. She wasn’t one of those KILL ALL THE CATHOLICS people though. Which was good. There were no arrests, no trails, and no inquisition. Mass wasn’t allowed publically, but you wouldn’t get n srs trouble if you were all quiet about it.

THEN PHILIP THE SECOND CAME IN. Er, his son, at least.

And she said no. Because he was Catholic. And she wasn’t. And she didn’t want her little country to be Catholic.

So we’ve got Catherine de Medici, Mary Queen of Scots, Elizabeth, and Jeanne. AND PHILIP STILL CAN’T GET A DATE.

Herpderp.

So there was this scout guy from Mr. P-to-da-ope and he was like “wanna buy some girl scout cookies” and she was like “NO.” and he was like “BUT YOU’LL GET INQUISITIONED.” but she was still like “no.” and then he was like “YOU’LL GET EXCOMMUNICATED” and she was like “I DON’T CAREEE.” and then she slammed the door in his face.

Poor guy.

But so eventually she got frands with the Queen of Paris and she got her son back. When he was like 14. Meaning, it had been about 5 years.

THEN FRANCE’S CIVIL WAR.

Since they were like right next to France it was kinda hard to avoid. So she ran away over closer to Spain. With tuberculosis. And she was, like, fighting. Seriously.

But so eventually peace was made and there was a new king of France and this thing was signed which was good because everyone was happy and vagueness and run on sentence.

Jeanne went back home and Catherine was STALKING HER more or less, and she thought that a royal marriage would help with their peace.

BUT NOT FOR JEANNE.

For her son! Catherine was like “Hey, hey, hey, let’s arrange our kids marriages~!” and Jeanne was like “Ok~! I’LL PICK THE DRESS AND YOU PICK THE CAKE AND WE’LL HAVE A WONDERFUL LOVELY MARRIAGE AND BELHBLAHBLUH”

Which was kinda odd, because one was Catholic and one was Protestant.

Annnd two months before the wedding Jeanne died.

...

BWAHHH D:

But she was actually really young when she died, because she was like 44.

Which was kinda bittersweet, because if she lived much longer she would have seen ALL THE MASSACRE.

So yeah. Also, you’ll have to wait to see how that marriage turned out. But from that aforementioned massacre, you have three guesses about the outcome.

Yeah.

C-C-CLIFFHANGER.

Uhmmm SUPER WITTY SUBJECT TITLE I GUESS?

So you guiz know Mary Queen of Scots?

WELL YOU’RE NOT GONNA READ ABOUT HER.

You’re gonna read about her arch enemy, John Knox!

You have three guesses as to why. YES, IT WAS CATHOLIC VS. PROTESTANT SHTUFF. Mary was Catholic. John was not. And to mess things up even more, Mary’s mother was a French Catholic. Her cousin was the HEAD OF THE ENGLISH CHURCH. So Mary had some really weird roots.

But Knox can have weird roots too! He was raised catholic. But somewhere along the way he fell down a flight of stairs and sense was knocked into him.

Well not really but he did go to Catholic school but came out Protestant. However that works. And he was a really really strong one. He had a little preacher friend and he was basically his bodyguard. Because Scotland was Catholic at the time.

Like, srs. A few were captured and burned at the stake. One of these being John’s little preacherfran. Apparently, John did not do a very good job :|

This left a mark on John. Because after you watch someone you guard with your life burn to death, that is a little source of trauma in your every day life. So John and some other nobles took revenge!

ON THE ARCH BISHOP.

Which wasn’t good, but nobody really liked him anyway. So they just killed him and took over his castle. John wasn’t really into the whole revenge-murder stuff, but he did help take the castle.

And then he became a preacher!

And for a year, John and his friends had held the castle. And then Suddenly France was like “U MAD BRO?” and took it.

Now why the heck were the French in Scotland?

Because apparently, Scotland had been united with France a while back. And they bonded over their mutual hatred for England and it’s weird Religion mix thingy.

And as a Catholic nation, French troops came and jacked the castle again and imprisoned John and his buddies. They made them those people in the movies who rows the boats and were forced to attend Mass. FOR NINETEEN MONTHS.

John still hung out and was still Protestant. And then when he was freed. And he went to England and was a Chaplin to Edward. But then Edward died and and then Mary took over!

And Mary was a very strong Cathloc! Who burned Protestants! WHAT A WONDERFUL BOSS HE HAD.

So he got the monkeys out of England. And he went over to Geneva!

Which was a really smart place to go because it was all safe and nice and shtuff. He met John Calvin and they were best buddies and bleh bluh blah blah bluh bleh.

So it was really nice for Knox, but he got homesick so he was like “EVEN THOUGH IT’S DANGEROUS I’M JUST GONNA HANG OUT HERE.” but then the big fish were like “lol no ur not” and he was like “HA HA HA YEAH I WAS KIDDING!” And he went back to Switzerland. But then he was like “HAI GUIZ I’M BAAACK~” And he stayed for good.

So let’s pause. We have a lot of Marys.

Mary G. was French. She married WEDDED James V of Scotland.

Their daughter was named Mary. James V died.

Mary was a baby. She could not rule for hopefully obvious reasons. Mary G. ruled Scotland. Mary, who was half Scottish, half French, grew up in France. This Mary is Mary, Queen of Scots. Not Mary G.

Mary G. did not need to be on the throne because she was only Queen via Marriage. And she was French. Which is never good.

But she was a good queen because she allowed freedom of worship. A lot of Protestants ran into Scotland which made everyone happy.

Buuuuut! When Protestantism (Big words~!) started to get all over the place, Mary felt like the people were slipping away. Because Protestantism is slippery and it’s hard to pick things up when they keep sliding all over the place.

So she got one of those rubber things which help you open bottle caps when your hands are all slippery and she got a better grip. She started to make some rules which some people didn’t really like, and John Knox came over and was like HAI GUIZ and everyone was like HAI JOHN and he was like OH NOEZ THIS ISN’T GOOD LET’S GO INTO SWITZERLAND MODE!

Which sounded like a good idea at the time.

But he was kinda mean and hard with his preaching, and some mobs come and destroyed some Catholic Churches and stuff. Now he did not say openly “WE’RE GONNA GO START A RIOT YOU GUYS BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT CHRIST WOULD WANT US TO DO.” No, he was like “STRONG PREACHING STRONG PREACHING STRONG PREACHING” and the people had the idea for the riots. But not John. He wasn’t really related to that bit.

But he did write some stuff like “WOMEN ARE BAD. THAT MANS YOU, BLOODY MARY AND MARY G. AND MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS.”

“AND CATHERINE.”

They were all Catholic. And the Protestants were like YEAH!

And the Catholics were like WAT.

Especially the Marys.

And Catherine.

The book was banned, like, everywhere. Mary G. made possession of it PUNISHABLE BY DEATH. Even his buddy John Calvin was like “Dude.” and he banned the book too. But he just had it burned and didn’t really kill anyone for owning it.

But some how he got himself into Parliament. and after he was in there, HE WAS LIKE SUPERMAN. He basically transformed Scotland into a Protestant nation by preaching to them.

So this one time he was like “HAIII LIZABETHHHH” But Elizabeth was like “ha ha ha no im a woman im 2 week to rule i mean u said that riiiiiittteee?” And John was like “...CRUD. YEAH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.” And then she was all “ok heres some ships so france dosnt kil u kthnxbai”

And that worked and she drove the French Ships on to the land and then the Scottish dealt with them.

Then John was like “LET’S BOND OVER OUR MUTUAL HATED HATRED FOR FRANCE.” and then Elizabeth was like “kk”

Which was really ironic, because that is EXACTLY what happened with Scots and France.

John was grateful, but he was still like “I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT CHURCH YOU GOT THERE.”

So he secretly like “i want to make scotland more protestant than england because i’m cool and hipster like that.” So he preached a LOT, and he wrote some books, and basically devoted all his time to BEING MORE PROTESTANT THAN ENGLAND.

He prepared the “First Scottish Confession of Faith” and the “First Book of Discipline.”

And they were books!

They were standards/guidelines for the church and state and blah blah blah. However, he was a genius and thought the state was allowed to condemn heretics to death yayyy!

He was like “HA HA FORGET MR. P-TO-DA-OPE” And got rid of his rules, but then he was all “HA FORGET MASS” and he got rid of that too.

But so this is now the Presbyterian Church, which is all cool and dandy.

BUT THEN MARY.

Queen of Scots, this time.

She was 18 and pretty and smart and she was a widow (Which is sad, because she was married at really young) and since her French husband had died the French sent her packin’. Back to Scotland. As a really strong Catholic. In a really strong Protestant nation.

WELL THAT IS GONNA WORK REAL WELL.

She got married to a Catholic nobleman and everyone was like “WaT.”

Deja vu.

So everyone kinda guessed this would be a repeat of Bloody Mary, but it wasn’t really that bad. She was kinda ok-ish. Sorta. But she and John were like “RAH RAH RAH”

And John was like “RAH RAH MORALS RAH RAH”

And Mary was like “CRY CRY CRY I’M A BAD PERSON CRY.”

And then John was like “RAH RAH RAH YEAH RAH.”

And Mary was like “CRY CRY I DON’T CARE.”

Likesrs. John was a really brutal preacher. And Mary’s morals needed to be reformed. And eventually they were. But we’re not gonna talk about that right now ;D

So eventually John kinda calmed down a little. And then he died. Like most people do.

BUT SRS YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT LIKE A WHOLE THREE MORE DAYS TO FIGURE OUT MARY.

No, Man, I'm Serious. She Did. I Don't Even Want to Know the Story.

So we’ve been talking about the Reformation. But we’ve only really looked at the reformists. What about the Catholics? What’d they think about it?

Well there was this guy. His name was Ignacius. He was from Spain. By the time he was 14, HE WAS A KNIGHT. He fell in love with the Queen, but that wasn’t gonna happen. Because she was the queen.

So he went out to war and herpderped and accidentally his legs. So he was in the hospital for a while for hopefully obvious reasons, which meant he read a lot. And he read a book about saints and stuff and he felt bad because all he had done was fight and live for himself and shtuff. So he decided he wanted to be a saint type person because he had a dreamyvision thingy Mary. So he sang that Lord’s Army song you sang when you were a little kid maybe.

AND SUDDENLY HOLY GRAIL.

But not like King Arthur did.

A little bit more like King Arthur.

He stopped by churches and prayed and confessed sin. He went all emo hipster mode because he did not shave like normal people, nor did he sleep, eat, or bathe like normal people. That’s the hipster part. And he also, you know, whipped himself. The times a day. At least.

Eventually, he let up a little on the whipping shtuff. Which was good. Because the whipping wasn’t.

But anyways!

After a year or so, he moved to Paris to preach. But nobody really wanted to follow him. He was arrested multiple times, and also questioned by the Inquisition for his odd behaviour.

Eventually, he got the money to go to college. And he had a roomie.

Who.

Was.

...

Not like Ignatius.

You see, his roomie Francis was rich, smart, good looking, has multiple girlfriends, and you get the idea.

Ignatius was not. The only thing that they had in common was that they both were from Spain.

So Francis and 5 other doods had a crazy spiritual conversion and they all went with Ignatius to a church or something and they all pledged to poverty and chasity and alliegence to...


...


...

The...

Mr. P-to-da-ope.


LOLWUT.


But so they had their little group called the Society of Jesus.

So y’all remember John Calvin? Neither do I. But so he called the Jesuits because he thought they talked about Jesus too much. But I don’t see how that was a problem.

But so they wanted to go to Jerusalem because the Muslims lived there. But that didn’t exactly work out because the Muslims were there.

So they went to Rome instead!

They did stuff like clean and cook and clean and clean. They asked Mr. P-to-da-ope Paul the Octopus to call them an official religious order. He approved the request about six years after they formed. Herpderpok.

The Jesuits were really really strict. All new recruits had to read the guys book he wrote called “Religious Exercises.” And then they had to practice said exercises for two years. And then they had to go to college for four years, and study theology for another four, preach for a year, and do general service for a year. That’s a total of TWELVE YEARS. They did not allow anyone to leave or stop the twelve year regimen.

O_o

After Ignatius died, there was a small sigh of relief because, well, I MEAN LOOK. HE WAS SO MONKEYING STRICT.

Francis also helped contribute a lot. He was a foreign missionary, which meant he went pretty much all over Asia herpderpin and preachin and stuff. However, he never got to go to China due to, well, death. His body was preserved and is in India. Well, most of it. Everything except for his right arm.

Because he baptised hundreds of people with that arm, it was severed at the elbow and sent off to Rome! It is on display today in some sorta ornate gold jewely prettiness. It wasn’t preserved very well, and it looks pretty gross to be honest. Meaning, I... Just go google it. GOOGLE FRANCIS XAVIER’S ARM.

So there was a council. THE COUNCIL OF TRENT. Basically all Protestant teachings were condemned. Thomas Aquinas was praised. This was kinda the Catholics’ way of saying “HEY. HEY GUYS. NANNER NANNER BO BOO.”

Yeeeah. That’s pretty much it.

Oh. Also. Francis’ toe was bitten off my a Portuguese noblewoman in the 16th century. Wonderful way to end a post, yeah?

Witty Title

All homeschoolers love Calvin and Hobbes. Even some Public Schoolers LOVE Calvin and Hobbes. But homeschoolers especially.

And if you don’t know who Calvin and Hobbes are, go find them. Google. Local bookstores (not like Borders or anything. Like, local). Everywhere. Because Calvin and Hobbes are amazing.

And this is the man that Calvin was named after.

John Calvin~!

Skip back about a hundred yours from John Calvin. We have Jan Huss. Who was all “Is Mr. P-to-da-ope good?” And then he got killed. And so did a lot of his peeps. An so did John Wycliffe. And then Martin Luther accidentally the Reformation. And he didn’t like the indulgences, so he wanted to have an argument, but hey. So while Luther was over here in the Germany, Ulrich Zwingli was all up in the Switzerland but he and Luther were like “Well yeah but no.” Because Even though they were both reformists, they still had differing views. And this made a wall between the Lutherans and the other Protestants.

And the other protestants who followed Ulrich disagreed with Baptism and the separation of church and state. Then this dood come up and was named Menno was making the Anabaptists. And while they were all getting together, Henry VIII was like JUST GON MARRY ERRYBODY and to do that he needed to mess with the church a little bit. And he made himself the SUPREME HEAD OF THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND, which left Mr. P-to-da-ope very angry.

So look at this picture. LOOK AT IT. You see how stuff is screwing all the way up? While humanism was all big, God was also working on His stuff too. England and the west-ish area of Europe was being reformed.

JOHN CALVIN.

More than the rest before him, he solidified the rest of the movement. He was HUGE GIANT THING PERSON THING. He worked really hard at preaching, teaching, and writing. He was born in Northern France (Onhonhonhon~) and he was pushed to be a thriving member of the church. And at just 11, he went to college in Paris. Now I don’t know if that’s some sort of normal thing like if college was different or something, but that’s just impressive. But he got his masters at about 17, which is pretty impressive no matter what. He studied things like theology and law and shtuff, and he was pretty eloquent. And when he was in his young twenties, he converted to Christianity. He was teaching Protestant shtuffs in France. And France was not very kind to Protestants. And one of Calvin’s closest friends had to leave France, and Calvin joined him. And while John was running through Switzerland, he met this guy named Will Farrel William Farel. He wanted him to stay in Switzerland. And he did, but he didn’t really want to. But still, Will and John started up a church. But Jon started to pass up Will, but he was never jealous.

John was all humble and nice and stuff, and he didn’t get paid a lot because he didn’t want to, and he was all small and tiny and shtuff. But he was a strong preacher and everyone loved him. So that was good. He preached messages starting in Romans. However, Will and John weren’t perfect either. They set out to convert EVERYONE. Forcefully. And you know how that turns out.

After three years, John and Will got kicked out of the city. Will kept preaching and john settled down and married a nice old widow. However, the people who were hired to replace Will and John were really bad at preaching, so some people starting begging John to come back. So he didn’t really want to go, but he did anyways. So he went back ad kept preaching on the letters of Paul. So he started a very strict moral code, and made gambling, drinking, dancing, swearing, etc. etc. Adultery, Idolatry, and blasphemy were punishable by death. The others were just punishable by, you know, torture and imprisonment.

John did believe in separation of Church and state, but not too much. If that makes sense. It doesn’t really. So he created a group called a consistory. It had members from both the church and the state. They were basically churchy policemen, and they made sure everyone followed the moral code. For those who believed in Biblical teachings, then it was a wonderful place to live. There was a huge drop in crime, and everyone was happy. Sorta. You see, sometimes people took it a little too far. Three men were imprisoned for laughing at church. Some children were punished for eating cake during church. They were not allowed to have more than a certain number of plates on a diner table. Someone who wrote a bad note about John Calvin was tortured twice a day for a month, and then executed.

And there was this guy.

His name was Micheal, and he was one of the many executed. However, he was a true heretic. He was confusing many Europeans with Christ’s Deity, which is a fundamental belief of the Christian faith. And while Micheal was just passing through the city, And John saw him in the streets, so was captured and executed. He was put on trial, but no lawyer or means to defend himself. And he was proven guilty and set to burn. However, John didn’t want him to burn, and just wanted to behead him. Because burning hurts a lot worse than having a quick, clean beheading. Also, Micheal had to burn in green wood, which burns a lot slower and produces a lot of smoke and is worse in every single way.

This left a dark cloud over John’s conscience and name.



*cough*

Anyway.

He preached almost every day of the week, and he set up a university, and wrote a lot. However, he also got only four hours of sleep and ate once a day. So he wasn’t exactly healthy. He also grieved a lot when his wifeh died, which made it worse. He wrote another book called “Institutes of the Christian Religion.” He started it when he was in France, and dedicated it to Francis I.

So John Calvin fathered ANOTHER branch of Protestantism. Calvinism! The Pilgrims actually were Calvinists, also.

And er uh.

Soyeahtheend.

LIKE SOMETHING THAT SPREADS.

So we know the Protestant Reformation was not a very fun time. People did not only find bad shtuff with the Church, but they also didn’t like each other. By now it had spread through Germany and into Switzerland.
And Switzerland was kinda chaotic.
They were fighting for their independence, but soon they were “free”. They had city-state-thingy-ma-bobs kinda like Greece did. And the city-state-thingy-ma-bob-Cantons (that’s what they were called) were not very united.
SO THERE WAS THIS GUY.
His name was Ulrich Zwingli. We’ll name him Z, because that’s cool. And when he was 14, he was in college. He was into Greek and Hebrew and Latin, just like everybody else. He did it mostly to read the Bible, but you know. He was growing into the usual reformation guy. Doesn’t like the Church, wants to change it.
However, he was a priest for the Church. And he was about to get a promotion. So he took the job there, but instead of leading Mass like he usually did, he tought straight from the scripture.
AND OGURL.
Starting with the book of Matthew, he started to go over EVERY SINGLE WORD. Seriously. He went over the words. And explained them. And everyone was impressed. It took him 6 years to go through the entire New Testament, verse by verse. Except for Revelation. I dunno.
AND SUDDENLY PLAGUE~!
A lot of people moved out of the country for hopefully obvious reasons. But not Z. He stayed. He both battled the plague with himself, and he tended to other people. Which means he was a plague doctor. Plague Doctors are awesome. Plague Doctors are my favorite medieval Renaissance thing in the whole Renaissance. Plague Doctors are win.
BUT THIS MADE Z STRONGER IN HIS RELIGION.
So he decided a bunch of things with the church weren’t very good. He translated the Bible (OH NOBODY’S DONE THAT BEFORE) into the common language, and he started some smallgroup study~!
People started leaving monasteries. People started having sermons instead of Mass. People started getting married. OH MY GOSH IT’S INSANEE.
So Switzerland pretty much went through the same thing as Germany. Except easier. Because Z didn’t have to mess around with Mr. P-to-da-ope and all that. Because the Swiss could deal with their own Chruchy buzznuzz.
But, of course, he was STILL accused of heresy. DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE DID YYEWW.
But Mr. P-to-da-ope just asked Z to stop preaching. Which did not happen, because Z sent them a 67 point thesis thing. And everyone agreed with them.

Which is good!
...
Right?
...
Well, kinda. No. Sorta. They ENFORCED STRONGLY everything Z said. And Z became, unofficially, a political and spiritual leader. He ruled his little city state kinda like Rola and Florence. And that’s pretty good.
...
Right?
...
Well, kiiinda. His spiritual laws were HEAVILY ENFORCED by the government, as usual. Which was not good at all. This led to years and years of bloodshed and all that wonderful shtuff. Yayy~!
The first problem Z came to was with the Anabaptists. Pretty much because they though different. And they believed the Bible taught full separation of Church and State. Which means they did NOT like Z.
They also thought Baptism should only be given to those old enough to understand scripture. Which I can only guess is something Z liked.
And here is where Z slips up. He decided it’d be a good idea to try to stop the Anabaptists from spreading their sect of Christianity. How? With his political power!
Yeah.
Under Z’s power, people were arrested, tortured, executed, etc. Lovely.
AND HERE THINGS GET INTERESTING.
Z had another messy encounter. WITH MARTIN LUTHER.
You see, they disagreed on the subject of communion.
Luther believed like the Catholics. Z thought that the wine and bread was only a representation of Christ’s body and blood.
And so this trolland guy came in and was liek HAI GUIZ I’LL FIX THIS~~~!!!!1! And so he kidnapped Martin and Z and locked them in a room together until they agreed with each other.
....
Well, not really.
(Pretty much because they never agreed with each other.)
Luther called Z a heretic and went come crying to his mother.
Herpderp.
So Z and Martin had a facebook war via pamphlets to hand out to their followers because they refused to speak with each other, and the two sects of religion cannot agree with each other. Still.
E-E-E-EPICFAIL.
And Z’s final mistake would BE. HIS. LAST.
You know how Switzerland had city-state-things? Well 5 of them were still Roman Catholic.
And the mess was kicked off when one of Z’s preachers was burned in one of the Catholic Cantons.
AND OGURL.
So there was pretty much a big giant civil war. Z was fatally wounded because they TORE HIS LIMBS OFF AND PROCEEDED TO BURN HIM INTO ASHES.
Well I’d THINK he was fatally wounded.
But!
There’s now a statue in Zurich, Switzerland. See the picture~!

Yupyup. He and a sword and a Bible. You seee~?
So because Z was kind of immobilized due to the fact that his ashes were beaten into the ground, someone picked up where he left off. And his name was...
HEINRICH BULLINGER.
...
herpderp. He was a pastor and all that good stuff. He guided the Reformation right along, and apparently did not have any big problems. And if he did, that doesn’t really count because I do not know about them.
So the end~!

THIS IS REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT YEW GUIZ.

So a town was called Whitenburg.
Hurpderpp.
AND IT WAS HALLOWEEN.
But people were going about their buzznuzz, But there was /extra/ excitement in the air.
BECAUSE IT WAS HALLOWEEN.
So the next day, November 1st, was All Saints Day. Which was about all saints.
O RLY.
So on this All Saints Day, there was going to be sumthin speeshull. A bunch of Holy Relics were going to be on display for the public to see. So as townspeople come up together, nobody really noticed ol’ Martin Luther go and stick a document up on the door of the church.
So what was on it?
95 THESIS POINTS.
Which means it had a buncha words.
And it has been remembered as the 95 Theses. I don’t know why it’s spelled different. But it is.
BUT WHAT WERE THESE WORDS ABOUT?
They were inviting the big fishies of the church to a debate. But it was written in Latin so the common peeps could not read it and it could only been read by the big fishies.
But this isn’t as weird as it is today. Doors were kinda like community bulletin boards.
I WANT MY DOOR TO BE A COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD 3:
So what was the debate about?
INDULGENCES.

So they all went and shared their cake recipies and-
No.
THESE INDULGENCES.

So these little pieces of paper. Muhmember them? OF COURSE YOU DO. If you don’t go google it or go find the post where I talk about them.
These had been given out for well over 300 years at the time of MARTIN LUTHER.
So Mr. P-to-da-ope Leo X was in the position. WE’LL CALL HIM X.
Because people with one letter names are cool.
Right now I can only come up with M, K, and L, but you know. Nobody knows who those people are. (except for maybe L and if you know who he is you get a big giant cookie.)
SO X WAS WORKING ON BUILDING ST. PETER’S CATHEDRAL AT ROME.
So yeah.
During this time, he kinda slaked off on his popey duties.
...
His Papal Business. (That’s better.)
SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING SPECTACULAR?
You hire people!
SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HIRE PEOPLE?
You pay them!
SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PAY THEM?
You run out of money!
YAAYY-wait.
So X was pretty much out of money.
SO HE STARTED REALLY SELLING THOSE INDULGENCESSS!
YAAYY-wait.
So this guy named Johann Tetzel was hired. To offer indulgences, and future indulgences! Which means you can pay now and sin later! Awesome, right? No. Yeah. But Still, he offered those. Meaning, he went around and up to people saying, “I CAN HELP YEWW.” Like those annoying mall people. You don’t go up and look at their little carts, they’re like “MAH HURR SHTUFF YAH YU BUY HURR SHTUFF YOU PRETTY HURR LET ME DO HURR SHO JOO CHAN BYY HURR SHTUFF. IN THE SALT SEA FROM SNAKES AND SALT DEAD STUFF SEA SHTUUFFF BUY PLEEESHHHEEE?”
Except he waz lyke
“MAH INDULGUNCHHH. I CHAN HEELP JOO. INDULGUNCHHH SHAVEE JOO. YAH YU BYY INDULGUNCHHHH PLEEESHHEEE?”
Or like a timeshare place thing. But I’ve never done or been to or whatever a timeshare thingy, so whatever. BUT APPARENTLY IT WAS JUST LIKE THAT :|
Sort of.
So he had this big giant ceremony with this big elaborate speech. He put the little indulgence on a velvet pillow. He had a little jingle. He had a big speech and he tried to convince everyone to buy an indulgence.
And a LOT of people did.
So what’d he do with the money from his indulgences?
TWO THINGS.
Uno: He helped build up St. Peter’s Cathedral.
And numbah two: He payed the depts of another Bishop.
herpderp.
He pretty much abused the system. Really bad. He conned common peeps into getting indulgences because they had no clue what they were. He pretty much coned everyone into getting them, actually.
And yes, people do agree that tinsel boy over here was a con artist and a jerk.
So What does Martin have to do with this?
He was a part of the system that was being abused, and apart of the system that was abusing.
Now he was not the first to go “waitwut.” Plenty of people before him were flippin’ out about the Church selling eternal life on a velvet pillow. Literally.
But Martin was pretty much the first person to get around to doing anything about it.
So in 1517 (OH LOOK IT’S A DATE.) he wasn’t really trying to start a revolt/riot/Occupy Wall Street.
SO WHAT WAS HE EVEN DOING?
I’ll tell you after this big history we’re gonna go in!

So he was raised in a strict family. He was gonna be a lawyer, but THERE WAS A THUNDERSTORM. And there was a tornado and his house got picked up and he was whisked away to Oz and met some munchkins and got some red sparkly slippers and then something else happened and I forgot but he woke up and it was all a dream or WHATEVER it’s been forever since that movie. And he started praying to St. Ann and that if his life was spared he’d be a monk So his life was spared and he be a monk. Yayyy. He spent a long time in prayer, and in fasting, and in sitting in the emo corner.
SO HE WAS AN EMONK.
Quiet. Didn’t eat. Emo corner.
HE WAS TOTALLY AN EMONK.
So he was all sad panda.
AND HE RAN AWAY.
Wellnotreally.
But he went to Rome and pilgramaged.
BUT HE WAS STILL SAD PANDA EMONK.
Other monks suggested Martin READ THE BIBLE A LITTLE MORE CAREFULLY. So he did. He went into conversion mode.
So yay!
He gave lectures on theology, and he was a cool person.
So this is why he was all “Waitwutindulgences.”
SO HE DID SOMETHING ABOUT THESE GOSH INDULGENCES.
Debateherpderps.
And it shturred up a big ol’ pot’uh stank.
It opened a big ol’ can’uh whorms.
It... It...
IT WAS BAD.
C-C-C-CLIFF HANGHURR.

OH LOOK IT'S A SIGN OF GOD'S DISFAVOR WITH YOU.

Sooo I’ve never heard of this guy. But aparently, he was rullll important :3 SO LET’S GET IT STAHTED.



.-.
John Wycliffe was called “The Morning Star of the Reformation” lolwut.
That’s pretty and all, but... Uhm... what?
A morning star is a really bright planet that you see around sunrise.
Well, that’s helpful. *cough*SARCASM*cough*
So let’s talk about the Reformation!
John grew up in England, went to that big ol’ school called Oxford, and he was really smart.
BUUUUUUT
John was a walking ball of controversy. People who didn’t like him were the members of the Medieval Church. Well, the Church in general wasn’t too fond of Johnnyboi. They didn’t like what he said about the Church and their practices. He complained that Mr. P-to-da-ope lived a life of luxuryyy. The Church owned about 1/3 of all the property in England. woahwut. AND THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO PAY TAXES. That’s like the Church owning all of Texas, Louisiana, Florida, and all they didn’t pay taxes in any of that. And they were FILTHEH RICH AND POWAHFU’.
So John didn’t like that. He also didn’t like the idea that the Church and Mr. P-to-da-ope could, get this, forgive sins.
No like. No likes.
He questioned the Church’s selling of Indulgances. waitwut.
GET THIS MAN.
AN INDULGENCE IS A LITTLE AUTOGRAPH THAT SAYS “YOU ARE FREE OF YO SINS MA BROTHAAA”
WUT.
WOAH.
THEY HAD TO BUY IT TOO.
Ok.
He also didn’t like how they worshipped Mary and the saints. He did not accept the way the Church did communion. Now communion is good and all, it’s nice, it is Biblical. That’s fine. BUT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH SAID THAT THE BREAD AND WINE WAS LITERALLY THE BLOOD AND BODY OF CHRIST. lolwut. And they said it was a REQUIREMENT of salvation.
But what bothered John the most was the way they handled the word of God. They did not only look at the Bible for reference, they looked at other books and they asked Mr. P-to-da-ope. Some beleived that man’s writing was necessary to understand the Bible, but not John.
To complicate matters, there weren’t too many Bibles. And the Bibles that were around were written in Latin, which nobody really read, much less spoke.
And here we be gettin’ fanceh. The King of England, Edward, liked John. He told John to go talk with Mr. P-to-da-ope. And John was over here runnin’ his mouth about the church and all that. So who likes John? NOT THE CHURCH! Yeah. So John, being the genius he was, decided to go have tea with the Pope. After they finished their conversation...
John lost his job and had all his writings burned.
lol.
Ironically, during another council to ban the rest of his works...
THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE.
fullofwin.
So John’s over here: “OH LOOK IT’S A SIGN OF GOD’S DISFAVOR WITH Y’ALL.”
So the Church is over here: “OH LOOK IT’S A SIGN OF GOD’S DISFAVOR WITH YOU.”
Yeah.
So You know what John did?
HE TRANSLATED THE BIBLE.
So now the Bible is in English. However, John Wycliffe was never able to finish the work. He died of a stroke before it was finished. So someone else took up the job and that went really well. The people who followed him were called Lollards. LOL....LARDS.
They didn’t wear the big fluffy shirts like the average dress was at the time. They didn’t use a printing press, and every copy of the Bible they handed out was hand-written.
And then the Lollards were executed.
D:
They would not work with the Church, so they were considered Heretics. 31 years AFTER John died, some genius of a Pope DUG UP JOHN’S BODY AND BURNED HIS BONES.
lolz.
So back to his nickname! “The Morning Star of the Reformation.” The problems our friend found were pretty big. So John wanted to Reform the Church. The other people who wanted to do this were called Protestants. This became a HUGGGE MOVEMENT. But that’s another lesson.
Sooo... Yeeeahh...
The end.