CAWERHKJH SO UNORIGINAL WITH TITLES JUST LEAVE ME.

So this lady was lucky. Sorta. Because she ruled two countries sammiched between Spain and France. But they don’t exist anymore.

HIPSTER LADY.

You’ve probably never heard of Jeanna. Or her countries. But you might have if you’re a history major or something. But most people aren’t. Silly non-history majors.

THIS CHICK.

She King of France’s niece. And she lived in Paris, which was SO CATHOLIC. But she was SO PROTESTANT. But he wasn’t really as focused on the Catholic part as he was on keeping her away from Philip II of Spain, WHO WAS AN UNMARRIED LOOSER WHO WOULD SETTLE FOR ANYONE.

Seriously. Phil was turned down by Elizabeth, Mary of Scots, and probably anyone else who he stalked wanted to marry.

(except for Bloody Mary. But she was kinda in the same NOBODY WILL MARRY ME predicament so she doesn’t count.)

So her mummy shipped Jeanna off to Paris when she was about 9, and Francis was like MEDDLEMEDDLEMEDDLE and when she turned twelve he was like MARRY THIS GERMAN DUDE SINCE HE’S RIGHT HERE EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE TWELVE.

And so then Jeanne was like “no.” And Francis was like “YESSS.” and Jeanne was like “noooo” and then they got married anyway. By force. Like4srs she was DRAGGED DOWN TO THE ALTER. And right after she got married she ran away to her mumsie.

The marriage was annulled.

BUT.

Nowadays she was all up in the Protestantantismantprotantantantantantismantism. And she got best frands with John Calvin and she had some tutors (Not Tudor.) and awesomesauce.

And when she turned 20, she got married! And she didn’t have to be dragged or anything!

But the marriage still stunnnnk. Because the guy she married was a loserwagon and he was like “I LIEK THIS WOMAN. AND THIS RELIGION. AND THIS CHURCH. LOL NO I LIKE THIS ONE BETTER. HEY WAIT NO THIS ONE IS COOL. WAIT HANG ON THIS WOMAN IS PRETTY.” and herpderpderp.

And so Jeanne was like “GOD HELP ME.” but like seriously she prayed a lot to God. For help.

So after her daddy died she got to be Queen of Navarre, which was her little country! Which means loserwagon got the be king. But so she gave birth to like 5 kids, but only two of them, you know, lived. So she basically had two kids. And she got real original with the names, let me tell you.

CATHERINE AND HENRY.

But . So she had a pretty tough job between France and Spain, because they were both like “I WANT THIS COUNTRY.” but she was like “newww” but they kept wanting. Because her little country was a Protestant country. Spain and France didn’t like that AT ALL.

And in 1560, she was like “HAY EVERYBODY, GUESS WHAT? I’M PROTESTANT!” and everyone was like “WAAAT.” And so now France, Spain, and Rome were like “we gunnna kheeeel yewww.”

But anyways. Jeanne and her loserwagon hung out in Paris a lot, because they were just kinda getting ready for the throne to open up. And while they were in Paris, religion was like “LOL” and it decided to flip the monkey out. Because Catherine, Queen of France, was like “NO MOAR PROTESTANTZ~!!1!”

Loserwagon was like “ok” and he was Catholic because he didn’t want to die. And then he asked for a divorce. He made her LEAVE HER 9 YEAR OLD SON IN PARIS. And then he made her go home.

KJAHFDKASJBFKADF.

The heck dude.

Oh. Also. Baithuhwai. Jeanne had tuberculosis! She was already tiny and weak and shtuffs, but she still survived.

But her ex-loserwagon died first.

And then Jeanne ruled her little country AWESOMELY, even though she was sick. And tiny. And without a husband or son.

She finally decided to make her little countrycitything into an official Protestant state. She wasn’t one of those KILL ALL THE CATHOLICS people though. Which was good. There were no arrests, no trails, and no inquisition. Mass wasn’t allowed publically, but you wouldn’t get n srs trouble if you were all quiet about it.

THEN PHILIP THE SECOND CAME IN. Er, his son, at least.

And she said no. Because he was Catholic. And she wasn’t. And she didn’t want her little country to be Catholic.

So we’ve got Catherine de Medici, Mary Queen of Scots, Elizabeth, and Jeanne. AND PHILIP STILL CAN’T GET A DATE.

Herpderp.

So there was this scout guy from Mr. P-to-da-ope and he was like “wanna buy some girl scout cookies” and she was like “NO.” and he was like “BUT YOU’LL GET INQUISITIONED.” but she was still like “no.” and then he was like “YOU’LL GET EXCOMMUNICATED” and she was like “I DON’T CAREEE.” and then she slammed the door in his face.

Poor guy.

But so eventually she got frands with the Queen of Paris and she got her son back. When he was like 14. Meaning, it had been about 5 years.

THEN FRANCE’S CIVIL WAR.

Since they were like right next to France it was kinda hard to avoid. So she ran away over closer to Spain. With tuberculosis. And she was, like, fighting. Seriously.

But so eventually peace was made and there was a new king of France and this thing was signed which was good because everyone was happy and vagueness and run on sentence.

Jeanne went back home and Catherine was STALKING HER more or less, and she thought that a royal marriage would help with their peace.

BUT NOT FOR JEANNE.

For her son! Catherine was like “Hey, hey, hey, let’s arrange our kids marriages~!” and Jeanne was like “Ok~! I’LL PICK THE DRESS AND YOU PICK THE CAKE AND WE’LL HAVE A WONDERFUL LOVELY MARRIAGE AND BELHBLAHBLUH”

Which was kinda odd, because one was Catholic and one was Protestant.

Annnd two months before the wedding Jeanne died.

...

BWAHHH D:

But she was actually really young when she died, because she was like 44.

Which was kinda bittersweet, because if she lived much longer she would have seen ALL THE MASSACRE.

So yeah. Also, you’ll have to wait to see how that marriage turned out. But from that aforementioned massacre, you have three guesses about the outcome.

Yeah.

C-C-CLIFFHANGER.

Just Skip This One Because It's Really Stupid But I Have To Put It Up Anyway This Title Is Riciculously Long And I Can't Spell That Word And I Don't Care And You're Not Supposed To Capitalize The Word And Or The Or But Or Or But Just DEAL WITH ITTTTT.

So I can’t think of a better way to open this up than to say we’re gonna talk about some ladies today.

THIS LADY. Her name is Isabella De’ste. She was smart. She was pretty. She was modest. She was gracious. She was fun-loving. Everyone loved her. She married an Italian Duke to be an Italian Dutchess.

BUT THE DUKE MADE HER ALL SAD PANDA.

But she was gettin all too much into prettiness and she got some artist people that were all over the place to sculpt her and paint her. But she wasn’t really satisfied until Titian painter her looked about 40 years younger than she really was. Hurpderpdurp.

NEXT LADY. Lucretia Borgia. She waz bein’ da Mr. P-to-da-opes Duaghter and guuuuurl she be da Cesare’s sistahhh. She be gettin all duh shtuff and she waz be havin tew Baby daddehs but day waz bot dey both got ded by her bro. An she didn let no teechahs teech her bayybayys she teeched uhm hershelf. And guuuurl she was thuh pruttiest gurl in tuh hizhouse and she be all up in thuh poetry buzznuzz and she all up in da artzz bein all sponserin and guuurl she went to Church evvry Sunday. An she got deed like her two babydaddehs when she had her seventh an everyone was all sad when she got all up wif her other babbydaddehs in the hevven. An when dey saw her dey was all “LOOCREESHUHHH~!”

ANOTHER LADY~! You guys remember the nice old woman that befriended Michelangelo? This is that lady! And, you see, her husband wasn’t a very nice man. He was always away on wars and with other people, but she still loved and honoured him. After he died, she did not remarry. And she was pretty much all artsy and poetry.

THIRD LADY. This chick was born in 1492. Ring a bell? IT SHOULD. Her name was Margaret. She was French (Honhonhon~) but she became the queen on Navarre. Which was between Spain and France. She was realy smart and all nice and stuff. She hung out with the scholars and she wrote and stuff. She wrote, but most of it was Romance which most people frowned upon. And she was very tolerant. She supported the Humanists, the Catholics, AND the Reformers. Which was odd. And also frowned upon.

THEN THIS LADY. Lady Reformer. But also a nun. She wanted to take the nuns back to their roots, because they had been partayin it up with the monks. So she opened up a convent in Spain! IT was named the shoeless convent, because she wanted them all to live in poverty. And she was really strict with that poverty buzznuzz. Even the inquisition was like “Are you sureee?”

FIFTH LADY. Her name was Anne Askew. Oh, poor girl. “ASKEW YOU!” But anyways. This lady was really into the Reformation. She was a follower of Martin Luther, but her daddy made her marry a Catholic. The marriage failed (duh) and she became a preacher in London! Which is weird. But whatever. While she was in London, she became friends with the last wife of Henry VIII. Anyways, Anne was arrested many times for handing out Protestant literature. She was also tortured to give the name of other protestants. She did not say a word, though. Well, except for the general cries of pain, but not any names. She was burned at the stake, and was unable to walk to her own execution or stand for it due to being stretched too hard on the Rack. Well, that’s lovely.

LIGHTER HISTORY LADY. Sofonisba. SOPHA NIS-BAH. She was a famous portrait artist, and there were only about 40 ladeees who succeeded at it. And Sofonisba was probably the most famous. She was hired by the Duke of Spain, and then the Queen and King of Spain. She was married to a Ship’s Captain, and she painted self portraits and she was really pretty.

Well.

Th-that’s it.

The... end?