THE FINAL INSTALLEMENT (fo' realz this time.)

LOLOLOL THAT’S WAS FUNNY HOW I DROPPED YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Ok
So.
More Christopher Columbus~!
So he had ANOTHER voyage. With his brother, Christ and... His brother started the first European colony in UMERCUH.
Ok so it actually wasn’t UHMERCUH. It was actually Haiti. Butso Chris and his buddies decided to take the Haitians as slaves. And the Haitians couldn’t really decline because Chris had guns and horses. They tried, buttt unfortunatelyyy, Chris did not resolve the conflict peacefully. He decided to just kill a buncha people to get everyone in order.
And somewhere along the way, Chris started demanding gold every three months. Oh! Also, those who did pay him had cute little bronze bracelets. And those who didn’t got their arms lopped off! Yayyy!
So he went back home to Spain. He told everyone how awesome it was that he took all these people in to Slavery and chopped off their arms and everyone just kinda stared at him.
Sooo Chris went on ANOTHER journey. He went over to Venezuela. He called it the Other World because he couldn’t call it the New World becuase there already was a New World. So Isabella and Ferdinand sent new help with him to go back to the colony where he was CUTTING PEOPLE’S ARMS OFF and he got arrested. The new help took charge, and Chris sat in chains. He was sent back to Spain as a prisoner, and Isabella freed him and fired the leader of the colony back in Haiti.
Chrissy claimed that his trips were the fulfillment of Isiah’s prophecy to share the gospel message with those who had not seen God’s glory. Well, that’s nice.
So Chris took yet ANOTHER VOYAGE. So this time he dragged his son along with him. In fact, a lot of the crew were teenagers. They were going to try to find a passage through UHMERCUH. Of course it didn’t really exist. But Chris knew there was another ocean SOMEWHERE, but he was never able to prove that he was right.
So this was the most difficolt most chalenging hardest voyage yet. They ate their food at night so that they wouldn’t have to see the worms in it. EWEWEW. Their clothes were always soaked. And they had a few problems with the natives.... There was some bloodshed. Chris’s faith got kinda fuzzy. They got marooned in Jamaica and a ship came to help them. When he got back to Spain, Isabella was too sick to meet with him. Ferdinanad wasn’t gonna give him more money (HMMIWONDERWHY). So Chris died alone.
Ok, so, America was not even named after Christopher Columbus. It was named after Amerigo Vespucci. He was Italian.
So.
Uhm.
Yeah.
That was uber anti-climatic compared to our last lessons.
But whatevar~!

4 teh lulz

THIS IS THE POST YOU’VE ALLL BEEN WAITIN’ FOOOO’. The post that answers all your questions... ABOUT CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.
But you’re gonna have to wait sum maor because before I get in to that I have some stuff to tell you.

So Christopher Columbus is on land. He met some Indians. BUT.
THERE IS *NO* EVIDENCE THAT HE WENT IN TO AMERICA.
So it was all a lie. HE DIDN’T EVEN DISCOVER IT. HE JUST DISCOVERED THE BAHAMAS.
Also, he didn’t even know he was in the Bahamas (so they sayyy.). He thought he was in Japan. So since he thought he was in Japan, he sent in some peeps with official letters and jazz to the emperor.
Some map-maker.
Anyway, Chris over hurr is why we call our Native Americans “Indian”. Why? Because he thought they were Indians.

FAIL.

Chris here really wanted to share the gospel with the Indians. He thought that they were not religious. Which was odd, because I am pretty sure they had gods. Yeah. They had a buncha gods. HMMTHAT’SREALLYODD.
Also, Chris didn’t JUST want to share the gospel. He wanted to find MONEYYY. In fact, he only wanted gold when it came to money. He SAID that it was to go to the holy land, but you know... I mean... Meh.
IT WAS A LIE.
So Columbus wanted money. He wanted to explore. HE WAS A SPY TOO.
So then they lost the Santa Claus.
On Christmas Eve.
LOLOLOLOLOL
So then they went back to Spain. The Nunya and the Piñata were their only ships, but they got caught up in a storm. But they got back pretty good. Chris dropped by his buddy KING JOHN and He laughed at John.
Then he went to Spain.
Ohboi.
Chris got to Spain and recieved a big welcome. He got the title Admiral of the Ocean Sea. He got the Rank of Nobility, and he was promised to govern Newly Discovered Land.
AND OGURL. U KNO WHUT ELZ HE B GETTIN?
He got to wear his hat in front of the king and queen. It was some sort of honor or something to that extent.
Hmm.
Well.
That’s nice.
AND THEN...
CAME...
HIS...
DOWNFALL.

bumbumbumm~!










(You guys thought I was gonna tel you his downfall, didn't cha? WELL BE PATIENT.)