So yew guiz know the Renaissance. The center of said Renaissance was Venice. They had a big trade buzznuzz goin on because everyone was going back and forth between everywhere and Venice.
Venice is that one Italian city with all the rivers. It didn’t get attacked by bad peeplz, except for that one time with that guy. It’s over there in the north, and it’s like right up in the Adriatic Sea, otherwise known as the duck’s wing. The thin one, not the big black one. And Venice is also best buddies YUGOSLAVIA, which is just fun to say. Because they live right next door to each other.
So the peeps buildin Venice got kinda carried away with their gimmick. They started using the sea a little too much, and soon all the roads were replaced with water! Well, not really, but you know. There was a lot of water. There was a big giant grand canal, and they used EVERY EXCUSE THEY COULD THINK OF to prettify the thing. Every single thing in the city was made all pretty and fancy and awesome. However, they had to import food. Because it’s hard to grow food in the water. But that was ok, because that means they got to sell their leather is stone and pretties. Now I don’t know how they got that leather, because if it’s hard to grow food then I don’t know WHERE they got those cows. Unless it was like rat lather or somethin, but that’s nasty and I don’t want to elaborate on that.
Venice was sitting right between the east and west, and when our buddy MARCO! (you can say it. You know you want to.) went to China, he did some shameless self advertising with the Chinese and everyone he met along the way. Because, you know, sea monsters and fish and shtuff are suckers for some good trade cities. MARCO! also brought back some silk and spices and nice things like that.
So it was also a big city for art. The artists focused on color and light, probably because they were surrounded by color and light.
VENICE ALSO HAD A BIG PAINTER WHICH I’VE NEVER HEARD OF. He was named Tiziano Vecelli da Cadore. But he went by Titian. Like fo rulz this time he really did go by Titian. Because Tiziano Vecelli da Cadore was cumbersome. BUT~! He was an art student, and he only had one other guy in the art class with him. And he was better than Titian. But that guy “died of the plague.” Then the guy’s teacher died six years later, which kinda left the door to be a master artist wide open. He soon surpassed his teacher, because it’s kinda hard to paint well when you’re dead.
So Titian was just a great painter. I mean, he wasn’t all HURPDURP BEST ARTIST EVAR. HURPDURP MY ART SHOWS STORIES. HURPDURP I AM A SOCIAL BUTTERFLAHH. None of that. But still, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a good painter. He broke a few rules of painting. He moved what would be in the center, to the SIDE.
Venice was shocked. HOW COULD HE DO THAT. HOW COULD HE MOVE PEOPLE OUT OF THE WAY.
So Titian‘s strong point was portraits. And he painted a LOT of people. A lot of women. One of his most famous is called La Bella. However, to be different than Leonardo, he gave her eyebrows. And no landscape. And Charles V, THE HOLY ROMAN EMPEROR wanted Charles to be the court painter. Which was really good, because Titian’s wife had died, and it was a nice change of scenery. Charles kept him busy with painting shtuff. Mostly of himself. In all different ways. Charles with his dog, Charles on his horse, Charles with his wife, Charles on his throne, Charles Charles Charles. Titian was also sent along to Mr. P-to-da-ope, so he went along to Rome. He met Michelangelo, who, oddly, got along with Titian. He was greatly influenced, and soon started painting muscular floating mostly naked people. However, like all people, Titian died.
Venice gained, through Titian, more popularity. It continued to flourish as a trade city, however, eventually things died down and it turned into just a typical Renaissance city.
Showing posts with label Italy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Italy. Show all posts
Monday, March 5, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
~Raphael~
You know those cool people that only have first names? Beyonce, Shakira, Eminem, Madonna, Sting, Zendaya, Fabio.
All of those?
Cool people.
Well, except for Eminem, but you know.
Or Fabio...
Or Zendaya...
SO ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS ANOTHER RENAISSANCIAN ARTIST. NEVER SAW THAT COMIN, DID YA?
Ok.
But.
His name was....
~Raphael.~
So, to our surprise, ~Raphael~ was not born in Florence!
Oooh.
A mysterious hipster artist with one name.
The name....
~Raphael.~
BUT.
He was born in Urbino.
He’s in Ur bino, artsin ur Rennai$$anz.
BUT.
Then his papa died. So he went to Florence.
YAYY.
So a lot of people confused his work with that of his master’s. He was that good.
SO HE WENT TO LEARN FROM THE MASTER OF THE MASTERS.
Michelangelo and Leonardo.
From Leo he learned gracefulness from Leonardo. And from Michelangelo, he learned.... Anatomy.
...
..
.
BUT.
He gained a nickname. ~The Divine Raphael.~
Unlike Mich and Leo, he finished his work in a decent amount of time.
In fact, he’s really famous.
You just don’t know it.
So he painted a big picture. A really big picture. Two little angelbabies are on the bottom of the really big picture. AND THE LITTLE ANGELBABIES ARE EVERYWHERE.
Cards. Pillows. Blankets. Mugs. The Internet. Shirts. ALL OVER.
These little angelbabies.
You’ve seen them before.
These little angelbabies.
BUT HE HAS MORE THAN LITTLE ANGELBABIES.
He has a picture of Mary.
And it was painted beautifully.
BUT THERE WAS A SCANDAL.
Apparently, ~Raphael~ had lots of girfrands.
Lots of girlfrands.
He claimed they were all his inspiration.
UNFORTUNALY, HIS LOVE OF WOMEN WOULD BE...
HIS DOWNFALL.
(bumbumbum)
But that’s for later.
Eventually, ~Raphael’s~ genius was recognized by Mr. P-to-da-ope Julius. The second.
And he was the Mr. P-to-da-ope-to-da-jerkface. The one that made Mich paint the Sistine Chapel.
Yeah.
That guy.
So he needed some of the best Artists and stuff for some project he was gettin’ on.
And ~Raphael~ was one of them.
He was hired to paint Mr. P-to-da-ope’s private chambers.
*giggle*
*gigglegiggle*
So he went to Rome to paint up that place. Which included his Library, the room where he signed shtuuuuf, and I guess also his bedroom.
So in his Library is where ~Raphael~ got really really famous.
On one wall, there was a shelf with books on Philosophy. On ther other was a shelf with Theology. So on wall Theology, ~Raphael~ painted a scene called “The Dispute of the Sacrament.” It was pretty much the Bible shoved into a picture. It also had a bunch of people like Rola, Jerome, Augustine, Aquinias, etc. etc. fighting and arguing while Jesus is up here with his jazz hands.
You see?
Jazz hands.
And there are move angelbabies up on the ceiling.
BUT.
It has the background and stuff that Leo had, and all the buzznuzz and weird stuff Mich had.
SO THE OTHER WALL PROVED TO BE HIS BEST.
The Philosophy wall.
The wall of Philosophy.
THE PHILOWALL.
THE WALLSOPHY.
THE PHILOWALLSOPHY.
And it was called “School of Athens”
SO Y?
Before ~Raphael~ moved to Rome from Florence, he went to a little church this one time called the Sistine Chapel. Now the ceiling was not finished, but thurr was some preachin goin onz anywayz. So the preacher preachin preached about Mr. P-to-da-ope Julius about him bringing some good learnin to Rome.
And although Julius was a Pope, he was a lot like Cosimo. An’ he likah tha Greeka an’ the Roma an’ alla tha shtuff.
So that’s why he put “School of Athens”. It has a bunch of cool peeps liek Plato, Aristotle, Some of Socrate’s students, Socrates, Pythagoras, Ptolemy, Euclid, Heraclitus (who was a grumpy old philosopher. Michelangelo was the model. Because he was a grumpy old artist.), and a tonz maor people.
So yuh.
~Raphael~ Pretty much got along with everyone.
Well, except for Michelangelo, but nobody liked him and he didn’t like anyone.
BUT.
~Raphael~ had a possy. A big possy.
A BIG POSSY.
LIKE, 50 POSSY.
So ~Raphael~ pretty much went everywhurr with the band of peeps he wuz wiff.
He even got along with Mr. P-to-da-ope-to-da-jerkface Julius.
He even painted him a picture~!
As in, the most realistic picture of a Mr. P-to-da-ope evarr.
HOWEVER, ~Raphael~ HAD...
SECRETS.
Once upon a time there was a Cardinal. Said cardinal preuttty much forced ~Raphael~ to get engaged with his niece. So ~Raphael~ agreed to it, but he kept putting off the marriage.
SO WHAI?
I dunno.
Maybe he was engaged to the baker’s daughter. Maybe he didn’t want to be tied down. Maybe he just didn’t want to get married.
BUT I DUNNO.
But the real mystery lies in one of ~Raphael’s~ picthurrz.
You see, he painted a.... special picture of the baker’s daughter.
So hundreds of years after this /special painting/ was painted, some x-rays were performed.
AND VAT DID ZEY FIND?
On the hand of whats-her-face, a big ruby ring was found.
BUMBUMBUMM.
Was this an engagement ring? A wedding ring? Or what?
Well it certuhnlee wasn’t a wedding ring.
WHY?
Because he died young.
IF I DIE YOUNG, BURY ME IN SATIN, LAY ME DOOOWN ON AAAH, BED OF ROOOSES~
oksorry. I’ve been like addicted to that song :x
BUT.
So he died at 37.
On his death bed, you know what he did?
He wrote his will, he repented of his sins, distributed all his wealth and shtuff, and died.
The end~ :D
All of those?
Cool people.
Well, except for Eminem, but you know.
Or Fabio...
Or Zendaya...
SO ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS ANOTHER RENAISSANCIAN ARTIST. NEVER SAW THAT COMIN, DID YA?
Ok.
But.
His name was....
~Raphael.~
So, to our surprise, ~Raphael~ was not born in Florence!
Oooh.
A mysterious hipster artist with one name.
The name....
~Raphael.~
BUT.
He was born in Urbino.
He’s in Ur bino, artsin ur Rennai$$anz.
BUT.
Then his papa died. So he went to Florence.
YAYY.
So a lot of people confused his work with that of his master’s. He was that good.
SO HE WENT TO LEARN FROM THE MASTER OF THE MASTERS.
Michelangelo and Leonardo.
From Leo he learned gracefulness from Leonardo. And from Michelangelo, he learned.... Anatomy.
...
..
.
BUT.
He gained a nickname. ~The Divine Raphael.~
Unlike Mich and Leo, he finished his work in a decent amount of time.
In fact, he’s really famous.
You just don’t know it.
So he painted a big picture. A really big picture. Two little angelbabies are on the bottom of the really big picture. AND THE LITTLE ANGELBABIES ARE EVERYWHERE.
Cards. Pillows. Blankets. Mugs. The Internet. Shirts. ALL OVER.
These little angelbabies.
You’ve seen them before.
These little angelbabies.
BUT HE HAS MORE THAN LITTLE ANGELBABIES.
He has a picture of Mary.
And it was painted beautifully.
BUT THERE WAS A SCANDAL.
Apparently, ~Raphael~ had lots of girfrands.
Lots of girlfrands.
He claimed they were all his inspiration.
UNFORTUNALY, HIS LOVE OF WOMEN WOULD BE...
HIS DOWNFALL.
(bumbumbum)
But that’s for later.
Eventually, ~Raphael’s~ genius was recognized by Mr. P-to-da-ope Julius. The second.
And he was the Mr. P-to-da-ope-to-da-jerkface. The one that made Mich paint the Sistine Chapel.
Yeah.
That guy.
So he needed some of the best Artists and stuff for some project he was gettin’ on.
And ~Raphael~ was one of them.
He was hired to paint Mr. P-to-da-ope’s private chambers.
*giggle*
*gigglegiggle*
So he went to Rome to paint up that place. Which included his Library, the room where he signed shtuuuuf, and I guess also his bedroom.
So in his Library is where ~Raphael~ got really really famous.
On one wall, there was a shelf with books on Philosophy. On ther other was a shelf with Theology. So on wall Theology, ~Raphael~ painted a scene called “The Dispute of the Sacrament.” It was pretty much the Bible shoved into a picture. It also had a bunch of people like Rola, Jerome, Augustine, Aquinias, etc. etc. fighting and arguing while Jesus is up here with his jazz hands.
You see?
Jazz hands.
And there are move angelbabies up on the ceiling.
BUT.
It has the background and stuff that Leo had, and all the buzznuzz and weird stuff Mich had.
SO THE OTHER WALL PROVED TO BE HIS BEST.
The Philosophy wall.
The wall of Philosophy.
THE PHILOWALL.
THE WALLSOPHY.
THE PHILOWALLSOPHY.
And it was called “School of Athens”
SO Y?
Before ~Raphael~ moved to Rome from Florence, he went to a little church this one time called the Sistine Chapel. Now the ceiling was not finished, but thurr was some preachin goin onz anywayz. So the preacher preachin preached about Mr. P-to-da-ope Julius about him bringing some good learnin to Rome.
And although Julius was a Pope, he was a lot like Cosimo. An’ he likah tha Greeka an’ the Roma an’ alla tha shtuff.
So that’s why he put “School of Athens”. It has a bunch of cool peeps liek Plato, Aristotle, Some of Socrate’s students, Socrates, Pythagoras, Ptolemy, Euclid, Heraclitus (who was a grumpy old philosopher. Michelangelo was the model. Because he was a grumpy old artist.), and a tonz maor people.
So yuh.
~Raphael~ Pretty much got along with everyone.
Well, except for Michelangelo, but nobody liked him and he didn’t like anyone.
BUT.
~Raphael~ had a possy. A big possy.
A BIG POSSY.
LIKE, 50 POSSY.
So ~Raphael~ pretty much went everywhurr with the band of peeps he wuz wiff.
He even got along with Mr. P-to-da-ope-to-da-jerkface Julius.
He even painted him a picture~!
As in, the most realistic picture of a Mr. P-to-da-ope evarr.
HOWEVER, ~Raphael~ HAD...
SECRETS.
Once upon a time there was a Cardinal. Said cardinal preuttty much forced ~Raphael~ to get engaged with his niece. So ~Raphael~ agreed to it, but he kept putting off the marriage.
SO WHAI?
I dunno.
Maybe he was engaged to the baker’s daughter. Maybe he didn’t want to be tied down. Maybe he just didn’t want to get married.
BUT I DUNNO.
But the real mystery lies in one of ~Raphael’s~ picthurrz.
You see, he painted a.... special picture of the baker’s daughter.
So hundreds of years after this /special painting/ was painted, some x-rays were performed.
AND VAT DID ZEY FIND?
On the hand of whats-her-face, a big ruby ring was found.
BUMBUMBUMM.
Was this an engagement ring? A wedding ring? Or what?
Well it certuhnlee wasn’t a wedding ring.
WHY?
Because he died young.
IF I DIE YOUNG, BURY ME IN SATIN, LAY ME DOOOWN ON AAAH, BED OF ROOOSES~
oksorry. I’ve been like addicted to that song :x
BUT.
So he died at 37.
On his death bed, you know what he did?
He wrote his will, he repented of his sins, distributed all his wealth and shtuff, and died.
The end~ :D
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Sneaky Little Polisticsss. Wicked, Tricksy, False!
Today, I received some horrible news.
You guys remember Paul the Octopus?
HE’S DEAD NOW.
Actually, he’s been dead for about a year. The one year anniversary was on the 26th of October.
BUT STILL, HIS NAME HAS LIVED ON, HAS IT NOT?
Yes, it has.
You know whose name has lived on too?
Niccolo Machiavelli.
...
Honestly, I’ve never heard of this guy. His name lives on as a political term.
I guess I’m just one of those weird homeschoolers or something.
Why would that be?
BECAUSE IT REFERS TO TRICKSEY DECEITFUL AND DISHONEST POLITICS, THAT’S WHY.
So we can only assume that Niccolo was similar.
BUT.
As you can probably tell, Nic was a full-blooded Italian. He came from Florence. And by now, you guys should know how Florence worked. Lots of men running around painting other men and sculting other men and writing and painting and sculpting and FASHION DESIGNING FABULOUS.
So at the time Nic was around, Lorenzo was around for a little bit.
AND THEN ROLA.
but only for about 6 years.
And the remaining Medicis were overthrown.
So here is where Nic comes in.
He was hired to work for Florence. The Renaissance was in full swing by now.
So Nic was working in Politics and government stuffz. He worked for a man named Cesare Borgia.
Now let’s take a look at Cesare’s family.
THE BORGIAS.
They were a a ~sinister~ clan from Spain, and they HATED the Medicis. (Mark one.)
DUH DUH DUHHH.
They were very rich and powerful, and one of them was a Pope. A really bad Pope. He has lots of children.
Not wifes. Or a wife. (two)
Multiple children.
AND CASARE WAS ONE OF THEM. (three)
So he was like triple bad.
And, of course, he decided to go for the fourth bad by being charming, good looking, intelligent, and was a PARTAY ANIMUHHHL. (fourrr.)
He took advantage of his father’s position (five.) to get things he wanted (six).
Because of his father, Cesare was appointed as a cardinal in the church. However, he soon grew weary of church buzznuzz. (seven.)
So he got his father to get him out of the position. (eiiiight.)
He also went on long. Expensive. Journeys. (nine.) Which were more exciting than his marriage, if you catch my drift. (TEN.)
He shot prisoners for sport as well. (Eleven?)
And...
EW.
EWEWEWEW.
He was in love with his sister. (TWELVE.)
And so he murdered her husband. (Thirteen.)
He also murdered a lot of other people, but hey. Let’s just count that as one. (FOUR. TEEN.)
Also, he was jealous because his brother was a soldier. So he murdered him. (fifteen.)
FIF.
TEEN.
FIFTEEN.
FIFTEEN BAD MARKS.
So he was pretty much evil.
AND IT WAS THIS SCARY EVIL DOOD THAT NIC WORKED FOR.
So he watched in his position he held for fourteen years as Cesare got everything he wanted. However, Cesare did not last fourteen years.
For Florence, it was good riddance. So the Medicis came back, and Nic was arrested. And not only was he arrested, but he was tortured and sentenced for exile. It was not a fun place.
Nic really really wanted Italy to be a country, not a bunch of city-states. He wanted to be like Spain, England, and France.
So while dood was in exile, he began to write.
HE WROTE ESSAYS.
He wrote a particularly long essay on how to solve the problems of Italy. It was about how the power of one person could shape an entire nation. Guess who one of the role-models was for this?
Cesare.
OH, nevermind that he was a ruthless murderer! Nevermind that he was a Renaissancian gangster! Nevermind that he was probably insane!
Let’s take a quote.
“It is far better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both.”
“A prince should not deviate from what is good, but he should know how to do evil if it is necessary.”
“Violence should be inflicted, once for all.”
“Princes, who have achieved great things, have given their word lightly, have known how to trick men with cunning, and have overcome those abiding by honest principles.”
ASDFKHGKHN
ASDFGHJJKL
ZXCVBNM,
DFHJBASLKVHQBI
IS THIS GUY /INSANE/?
WHAT.
WHAT.
WHATWHATWHAT.
So this al summed up:
IF YOU’RE A JERKFACE, YOU’RE GONNA GO FAR.
asdfghbcvbt63zh
NOW BEFORE WE MAKE NIC SOUND ANY WORSE (if that’s possible?)
Historians do not agree on if it’s a fo rhulz essay. If it was a satire or not.
Some people think it’s simply an observation. Not how he believed, but just what he saw.
But as you can guess, many a dictator has appreciated these works.
Genius decided to send the Medicis a copy.
The didn’t like it, and he stayed in exile.
He also wrote ANOTHER essay, which totally contradicted the first one.
I’m thinkin’ he just hated exile, so he decided to try and write whatever would get him in good with the Medicis.
He also wrote things other than political stuff. He wrote history, poetry, and comedy.
wut.
I don’t know, he just doesn’t seem like a very humorous guy.
BUT.
His name lives on, even if it was supposed to used in the way it is or not.
If that makes sense.
You guys remember Paul the Octopus?
HE’S DEAD NOW.
Actually, he’s been dead for about a year. The one year anniversary was on the 26th of October.
BUT STILL, HIS NAME HAS LIVED ON, HAS IT NOT?
Yes, it has.
You know whose name has lived on too?
Niccolo Machiavelli.
...
Honestly, I’ve never heard of this guy. His name lives on as a political term.
I guess I’m just one of those weird homeschoolers or something.
Why would that be?
BECAUSE IT REFERS TO TRICKSEY DECEITFUL AND DISHONEST POLITICS, THAT’S WHY.
So we can only assume that Niccolo was similar.
BUT.
As you can probably tell, Nic was a full-blooded Italian. He came from Florence. And by now, you guys should know how Florence worked. Lots of men running around painting other men and sculting other men and writing and painting and sculpting and FASHION DESIGNING FABULOUS.
So at the time Nic was around, Lorenzo was around for a little bit.
AND THEN ROLA.
but only for about 6 years.
And the remaining Medicis were overthrown.
So here is where Nic comes in.
He was hired to work for Florence. The Renaissance was in full swing by now.
So Nic was working in Politics and government stuffz. He worked for a man named Cesare Borgia.
Now let’s take a look at Cesare’s family.
THE BORGIAS.
They were a a ~sinister~ clan from Spain, and they HATED the Medicis. (Mark one.)
DUH DUH DUHHH.
They were very rich and powerful, and one of them was a Pope. A really bad Pope. He has lots of children.
Not wifes. Or a wife. (two)
Multiple children.
AND CASARE WAS ONE OF THEM. (three)
So he was like triple bad.
And, of course, he decided to go for the fourth bad by being charming, good looking, intelligent, and was a PARTAY ANIMUHHHL. (fourrr.)
He took advantage of his father’s position (five.) to get things he wanted (six).
Because of his father, Cesare was appointed as a cardinal in the church. However, he soon grew weary of church buzznuzz. (seven.)
So he got his father to get him out of the position. (eiiiight.)
He also went on long. Expensive. Journeys. (nine.) Which were more exciting than his marriage, if you catch my drift. (TEN.)
He shot prisoners for sport as well. (Eleven?)
And...
EW.
EWEWEWEW.
He was in love with his sister. (TWELVE.)
And so he murdered her husband. (Thirteen.)
He also murdered a lot of other people, but hey. Let’s just count that as one. (FOUR. TEEN.)
Also, he was jealous because his brother was a soldier. So he murdered him. (fifteen.)
FIF.
TEEN.
FIFTEEN.
FIFTEEN BAD MARKS.
So he was pretty much evil.
AND IT WAS THIS SCARY EVIL DOOD THAT NIC WORKED FOR.
So he watched in his position he held for fourteen years as Cesare got everything he wanted. However, Cesare did not last fourteen years.
For Florence, it was good riddance. So the Medicis came back, and Nic was arrested. And not only was he arrested, but he was tortured and sentenced for exile. It was not a fun place.
Nic really really wanted Italy to be a country, not a bunch of city-states. He wanted to be like Spain, England, and France.
So while dood was in exile, he began to write.
HE WROTE ESSAYS.
He wrote a particularly long essay on how to solve the problems of Italy. It was about how the power of one person could shape an entire nation. Guess who one of the role-models was for this?
Cesare.
OH, nevermind that he was a ruthless murderer! Nevermind that he was a Renaissancian gangster! Nevermind that he was probably insane!
Let’s take a quote.
“It is far better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both.”
“A prince should not deviate from what is good, but he should know how to do evil if it is necessary.”
“Violence should be inflicted, once for all.”
“Princes, who have achieved great things, have given their word lightly, have known how to trick men with cunning, and have overcome those abiding by honest principles.”
ASDFKHGKHN
ASDFGHJJKL
ZXCVBNM,
DFHJBASLKVHQBI
IS THIS GUY /INSANE/?
WHAT.
WHAT.
WHATWHATWHAT.
So this al summed up:
IF YOU’RE A JERKFACE, YOU’RE GONNA GO FAR.
asdfghbcvbt63zh
NOW BEFORE WE MAKE NIC SOUND ANY WORSE (if that’s possible?)
Historians do not agree on if it’s a fo rhulz essay. If it was a satire or not.
Some people think it’s simply an observation. Not how he believed, but just what he saw.
But as you can guess, many a dictator has appreciated these works.
Genius decided to send the Medicis a copy.
The didn’t like it, and he stayed in exile.
He also wrote ANOTHER essay, which totally contradicted the first one.
I’m thinkin’ he just hated exile, so he decided to try and write whatever would get him in good with the Medicis.
He also wrote things other than political stuff. He wrote history, poetry, and comedy.
wut.
I don’t know, he just doesn’t seem like a very humorous guy.
BUT.
His name lives on, even if it was supposed to used in the way it is or not.
If that makes sense.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Sad Panda
Look at your ceiling. Look at your computer screen. Look at your ceiling. Now back to your screen. Sadly, your ceiling is not as fancy as your computer screen.
BUT MR. P-TO-DA-OPE JULIUS THE THIRD’S?
His ceiling was nifty.
Why?
Because he hired Michelangelo to paint THE MOST MAGNIFICENT CEILING IN THE WOOORLD for the Sistine Chapel in Rome.
But the Mutant Ninja Turtle didn’t like painting, so he hired someone else. He hired Another Michelangelo.
Who also hated painting.
So Mich was pretty much born in the right place at the right time to become a great anything. Meaning, Florence around 1500. He was an apprentice to a guy who was a painter and a sculptor. And then He moved to Another guy, and it happened to be a part of the Medici gardens. He had access to some of the most beautiful artwork on the block (block being, you know, the world.), mostly sculptures. HE was invited to live in his master’s home, and he was provided with a room and a nice salary. They dines with a bunch of people, including the royal family.
BUT!
In this time, his nose was shaped.
Yes.
His nose.
He pretty much got hurt really hard in a game of slugbuggy.
Which screwed his nose way up.
So Mich had a lot of self pity, and he was all sad panda.
AND THEN HE BECAME A ROCKSTAR.
Because his two greatest statues? They were made real early in his career. So I guess he got progressively worse after that first greatest one.
And the first greatest one? It was called the Piñata. Or the Pietà, pronounced Pee-AHHH!-tah. It’s Mary holding Jesus.
And there was another one called David.
Well that’s a little easier to say.
David was 18 feet tall, and was wearing clothes from the Emperor’s Collection. The right side of the statue was sculpted so it was firm. The other side was all relaxed and stuff. And he wasn’t all “YAY PLAYDOH.” He was putting thought and stuff in to the thing.
AND IT WAS AROUND THIS TIME That Mich was asked to GO HEAD TO HEAD, TOE TO TOE, FACE TO FACE, ETC. TO ETC. WITH LEONARDO.
But he never finished his painting so nobody won. Herpderp.
What did Mich paint? Leo painted horses. So Mich painted the obvious.
SOLDIERS BATHING.
Because, well, he... He was... He was kinda like Leo. He was.. I... Uhm.
He was fascinated with...
Well.
Take a guess.
Also, Mich was a fan of dissecting to look at muscles, torso, veins, etc. etc.
The church was not a fan of this, nor did they like the barely clothed and muscular figures in his paintings.
But unlike Leo, Mich pretty much ignored landscapes, perspective, and still life. He said that painting these things were for “Children and uneducated men.”
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ICE FOR THAT BUUUURN?
Also, another thing he said for painting anything in general was for women.
C-C-C-COMBO BURN.
So how was it that Mich, who despised painting, went and painted the most extravagant ceiling of all time?
He was tricked. BABABAA~!
So Mr. P-to-da-ope Julius asked Mich to make him a tomb. Julius was ill-tempered, arrogant, and annoying. That narrows it down. Mich was also ill-tempered, arrogant, and annoying. Neither of them could agree on anything. Mich was sent out to the mountains to collect the perfect rocks. Then on the 8th MONTH, Julius said “FOGET THIS.” and he put the whole thing on hold. So Mich stopped on down to Rome and was like “I BEEN WORKIN’ FO EIGHT MONTHS GIVE ME MONEY.”
And you don’t really demand money from Mr. P-to-da-ope. But he refused to see him.
SO HE WENT EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT WEEK.
And then he just got mad and went home.
It took an official letter and three angry letters FROM THE POPE to drag Mich’s behind back to Rome.
So eventually he went back to Rome, but only one statue for the tomb was made. And then it got melted down to make a cannon.
THEN JULIUS HAD AN IDEA.
“Hay. Hay. Hay. Hay Mich. Hay. Make me a ceiling kthnx?”
Mich needed money, so he did it. But he grumbled THE WHOLE WAY. And Mr. P-to-da-ope also had a lotta power, and Mich didn’t feel like getting excommunicated.
So Mich painted 10,000 square feet of ceiling. From 70 feet off the ground. For four year years. The guy pretty much lived on scaffolding. Which is like a ladder plus a bed. He only ate what was on hand, and he barely bathed or changed clothes.
FOR FOUR YEARS.
Once, Julius hit him with a stick for not doing it fast enough.
Dude.
And of course, there were 343 muscular peeps all up in thurr.
Also, you guys know this?
(That pic of God ALMOST touching Adam. That sounded wrong. But whatevz.)
Also, the whole thing?
NO LANDSCAPE.
NONE.
Because those are for sissy boys.
No pun.
And then, four months after Mich finished the painting, Julius died.
So then Mich made Julius a tomb.
4tehlulz.
At the beginning of the Tomb, Moses is over hurr all Princess Celestia (brohoof?) mode with a flowing beard.
So then Mich made frands with a widow named Victoria (don’t get all excited. They were just frands. and they visited on Sundays, and they talked, and all that stuff.
Mich was a Christian, and so he want back to the Sisten Chapel and painted a thingy called “The Last Judgement” about 15-30 years later. It was about sin and it’s consequences. It was pretty much based off of Dante’s Inferno. As in, it was really really gorey. As in, Mich painting his face in the hollow skin of Saint Bartholomew.
Yeah.
So then Victoria died, and Mich was really really sad panda mode.
But in this, he grew a lot closer to God and Christ and alla that.
He pretty much went from one extreme to the other. All dissecting and stuff to Christ and stuff like that.
So.
Uhm.
Yeah.
The end...?
BUT MR. P-TO-DA-OPE JULIUS THE THIRD’S?
His ceiling was nifty.
Why?
Because he hired Michelangelo to paint THE MOST MAGNIFICENT CEILING IN THE WOOORLD for the Sistine Chapel in Rome.
But the Mutant Ninja Turtle didn’t like painting, so he hired someone else. He hired Another Michelangelo.
Who also hated painting.
So Mich was pretty much born in the right place at the right time to become a great anything. Meaning, Florence around 1500. He was an apprentice to a guy who was a painter and a sculptor. And then He moved to Another guy, and it happened to be a part of the Medici gardens. He had access to some of the most beautiful artwork on the block (block being, you know, the world.), mostly sculptures. HE was invited to live in his master’s home, and he was provided with a room and a nice salary. They dines with a bunch of people, including the royal family.
BUT!
In this time, his nose was shaped.
Yes.
His nose.
He pretty much got hurt really hard in a game of slugbuggy.
Which screwed his nose way up.
So Mich had a lot of self pity, and he was all sad panda.
AND THEN HE BECAME A ROCKSTAR.
Because his two greatest statues? They were made real early in his career. So I guess he got progressively worse after that first greatest one.
And the first greatest one? It was called the Piñata. Or the Pietà, pronounced Pee-AHHH!-tah. It’s Mary holding Jesus.
And there was another one called David.
Well that’s a little easier to say.
David was 18 feet tall, and was wearing clothes from the Emperor’s Collection. The right side of the statue was sculpted so it was firm. The other side was all relaxed and stuff. And he wasn’t all “YAY PLAYDOH.” He was putting thought and stuff in to the thing.
AND IT WAS AROUND THIS TIME That Mich was asked to GO HEAD TO HEAD, TOE TO TOE, FACE TO FACE, ETC. TO ETC. WITH LEONARDO.
But he never finished his painting so nobody won. Herpderp.
What did Mich paint? Leo painted horses. So Mich painted the obvious.
SOLDIERS BATHING.
Because, well, he... He was... He was kinda like Leo. He was.. I... Uhm.
He was fascinated with...
Well.
Take a guess.
Also, Mich was a fan of dissecting to look at muscles, torso, veins, etc. etc.
The church was not a fan of this, nor did they like the barely clothed and muscular figures in his paintings.
But unlike Leo, Mich pretty much ignored landscapes, perspective, and still life. He said that painting these things were for “Children and uneducated men.”
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ICE FOR THAT BUUUURN?
Also, another thing he said for painting anything in general was for women.
C-C-C-COMBO BURN.
So how was it that Mich, who despised painting, went and painted the most extravagant ceiling of all time?
He was tricked. BABABAA~!
So Mr. P-to-da-ope Julius asked Mich to make him a tomb. Julius was ill-tempered, arrogant, and annoying. That narrows it down. Mich was also ill-tempered, arrogant, and annoying. Neither of them could agree on anything. Mich was sent out to the mountains to collect the perfect rocks. Then on the 8th MONTH, Julius said “FOGET THIS.” and he put the whole thing on hold. So Mich stopped on down to Rome and was like “I BEEN WORKIN’ FO EIGHT MONTHS GIVE ME MONEY.”
And you don’t really demand money from Mr. P-to-da-ope. But he refused to see him.
SO HE WENT EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT WEEK.
And then he just got mad and went home.
It took an official letter and three angry letters FROM THE POPE to drag Mich’s behind back to Rome.
So eventually he went back to Rome, but only one statue for the tomb was made. And then it got melted down to make a cannon.
THEN JULIUS HAD AN IDEA.
“Hay. Hay. Hay. Hay Mich. Hay. Make me a ceiling kthnx?”
Mich needed money, so he did it. But he grumbled THE WHOLE WAY. And Mr. P-to-da-ope also had a lotta power, and Mich didn’t feel like getting excommunicated.
So Mich painted 10,000 square feet of ceiling. From 70 feet off the ground. For four year years. The guy pretty much lived on scaffolding. Which is like a ladder plus a bed. He only ate what was on hand, and he barely bathed or changed clothes.
FOR FOUR YEARS.
Once, Julius hit him with a stick for not doing it fast enough.
Dude.
And of course, there were 343 muscular peeps all up in thurr.
Also, you guys know this?
(That pic of God ALMOST touching Adam. That sounded wrong. But whatevz.)
Also, the whole thing?
NO LANDSCAPE.
NONE.
Because those are for sissy boys.
No pun.
And then, four months after Mich finished the painting, Julius died.
So then Mich made Julius a tomb.
4tehlulz.
At the beginning of the Tomb, Moses is over hurr all Princess Celestia (brohoof?) mode with a flowing beard.
So then Mich made frands with a widow named Victoria (don’t get all excited. They were just frands. and they visited on Sundays, and they talked, and all that stuff.
Mich was a Christian, and so he want back to the Sisten Chapel and painted a thingy called “The Last Judgement” about 15-30 years later. It was about sin and it’s consequences. It was pretty much based off of Dante’s Inferno. As in, it was really really gorey. As in, Mich painting his face in the hollow skin of Saint Bartholomew.
Yeah.
So then Victoria died, and Mich was really really sad panda mode.
But in this, he grew a lot closer to God and Christ and alla that.
He pretty much went from one extreme to the other. All dissecting and stuff to Christ and stuff like that.
So.
Uhm.
Yeah.
The end...?
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
So there’s this dood. He was born in Italy, noble family, all that jayazz. Cool beans. Lived a good life.
Well erm sorta no not really.
This guy, Savonarola, read a lot when he was a kid. He attended a university, but he was kinda in culture-shock mode over there. So he decided to leave said university. He decided to live with his family instead of attent school.
And if you remember, Italy was going humanitarian. But Rola ovah hurr was still a strong Christian. He decided he’d straighten out his friends, his countrymen, and the Church.
Bada~!
Erm...
BADA~!
So Rola joined the Dominican Friars. He asked for the tiniest, most humble little itty bitty grimmy dirty ugly horrible job they had. So he was a cook and a cleaner.
SO THEY TOOK THAT AWAY FROM HIM.
They transferred Rola to Florence to preach because he was really really Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. So Rola was too good for the peeps. He was preachin’ wayy over their head’s. And his voice was kinda shrill, so it was annoying to listen to. Derp. So the people pretty much kicked dood outta Florence.
And that pretty much made his self-esteem drop reeeul low.
BABY SHE GOT LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW.
Ok. Sorry.
Soo after a few years, Rola decided to go back to Florence. He was better this time, and his preachin’ was AMAZING. His followers were nicknamed The Weepers because they cried so much. And what did he preach, exactly? He just preached the Gospel. And everyone loved it.
Rola pretty much was awesome. He had some kinda weird beliefs though. Some stuff was good though. He didn’t think gambling was good, inappropriate art, no cursing, no pagan books, no excessive jewelry, no immodest clothin, etc. etc. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, NO CARNIVALS OR ACROBATIC EVENTS.
Yeah.
I don’t get that last bit.
It was good though. Rich businessmen were getting rid of their money they got from cheating, bonfires were held to burn stuff like mirrorrrrs and makeuppp and jewelryyy and pagan boooks and a lot of stuff like that.
But there were the extremists.
There were these people that called themselves “THE BANDS OF HOPE”. The morality police. They’d come in to people’s houses, looking fo bad stuffz that they could burn. People started spying on each other, making sure that nobody was gambling or anything. So the situation got really bad.
But wait~!
Imagine the backlash of the people who weren’t too hip with Rola.
So you know Lorenzo de’Medici? Yeah. He liked Carnivals. And Books. And Paintings. So being the genius Lorenzo was, he decided to try to bribe Rola with gold.
F-F-F-F-FAAAAILMODE.
So Lorenzo died. And then his son took over. And his son was overthrown. So Rola was plastered up on the throne.
Now Rola was a pretty good leader. He took his position seriously. He employed good people, and had a good vision for Florence in general.
Unfortunately, Rola’s vision didn’t really go too well. He wanted to establish the kingdom of God in Florence.
Uhmyeahno.
So that didn’t go too well. He wanted a Christian Utopia. EVen though he had good intentions, they weren’t, technically, Biblical.
Rola’s greatest threat was... HIMSELF!
Well actually that’s a lie.
His greatest threat was Mr. P-to-da-ope. You see, Pope Alexander VI was really really immoral. Even though he never married, he had five children. He supported murder to get the things he wanted. So when Rola started to preach to Mr. P-to-da-ope, things didn’t go too well. He said, and I quote: “O PROSTITUTE CHURCH, THOU HAST DISPLAYED THY FOULNESS TO THE WHOLE WORLD, AND THY STINKEST TO HEAVEN.”
So he pretty much said, “Hey. Hey. Y’all stink. Take a shower plz kthxbai”
So Mr. P-to-da-ope was pretty mad. He wasn’t too fond of Rola callin’ the church a stinky prostitute.
And then Rola came back and had everyone burn a LOT of stuff. So Alex over hurr bribed Rola to quiet. Down. So Mr. P-to-da-ope offered him a big position in the church, but Rola turned him down.
So then he got himself excommunicated. And then people started to wonderrr... “Heyy. Why would they excommunicate a man of God? What if he isn’t? OH NO. OH NO. OH NO. WE GOTTA GET RID OF THIS GUY.”
And Rola runs for the hills.
The Franciscans decided to test Rola. They wanted to do this by SETTING HIM ON FIRE. Oh, oh, but it wasn’t THAT bad, because they’d set one of their monks on fire too! And the most righteous man would be saved my God.
...
OH. MY. WORD.
SO ROLA ACCEPTED.
Except he called for a stand in. So his good buddy whoever decided to TAKE ON THE CHALLENGE.
This made him look more like a coward and his followers were like wat.
So there was a debate if there really should be the trial by fire. IT was kinda pointless since Rola wasn’t even being set on fire. And then it started raining and they called the whole thing off. The crowd got in quite a ruckus, but they went home because they were getting wet.
You know who else was in a ruckus? Mr. P-to-da-ope. He was mad. And so the logical thing to do here is arrest Rola. Now that really /was/ a logical move. I mean, yeah. I don’t know. Pope: 1. Everyone else: a bajillion.
So Rola was put through court. Admit heresy, or torture. He chose torture.
At 45, Rola withstood the torture.
So Rola and his friends were dragged to a town square. He and his friends were stripped publicly, stoned, hung, strangled, burned, and then they threw their ashes in a river. In that order.
Well erm sorta no not really.
This guy, Savonarola, read a lot when he was a kid. He attended a university, but he was kinda in culture-shock mode over there. So he decided to leave said university. He decided to live with his family instead of attent school.
And if you remember, Italy was going humanitarian. But Rola ovah hurr was still a strong Christian. He decided he’d straighten out his friends, his countrymen, and the Church.
Bada~!
Erm...
BADA~!
So Rola joined the Dominican Friars. He asked for the tiniest, most humble little itty bitty grimmy dirty ugly horrible job they had. So he was a cook and a cleaner.
SO THEY TOOK THAT AWAY FROM HIM.
They transferred Rola to Florence to preach because he was really really Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. So Rola was too good for the peeps. He was preachin’ wayy over their head’s. And his voice was kinda shrill, so it was annoying to listen to. Derp. So the people pretty much kicked dood outta Florence.
And that pretty much made his self-esteem drop reeeul low.
BABY SHE GOT LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW.
Ok. Sorry.
Soo after a few years, Rola decided to go back to Florence. He was better this time, and his preachin’ was AMAZING. His followers were nicknamed The Weepers because they cried so much. And what did he preach, exactly? He just preached the Gospel. And everyone loved it.
Rola pretty much was awesome. He had some kinda weird beliefs though. Some stuff was good though. He didn’t think gambling was good, inappropriate art, no cursing, no pagan books, no excessive jewelry, no immodest clothin, etc. etc. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, NO CARNIVALS OR ACROBATIC EVENTS.
Yeah.
I don’t get that last bit.
It was good though. Rich businessmen were getting rid of their money they got from cheating, bonfires were held to burn stuff like mirrorrrrs and makeuppp and jewelryyy and pagan boooks and a lot of stuff like that.
But there were the extremists.
There were these people that called themselves “THE BANDS OF HOPE”. The morality police. They’d come in to people’s houses, looking fo bad stuffz that they could burn. People started spying on each other, making sure that nobody was gambling or anything. So the situation got really bad.
But wait~!
Imagine the backlash of the people who weren’t too hip with Rola.
So you know Lorenzo de’Medici? Yeah. He liked Carnivals. And Books. And Paintings. So being the genius Lorenzo was, he decided to try to bribe Rola with gold.
F-F-F-F-FAAAAILMODE.
So Lorenzo died. And then his son took over. And his son was overthrown. So Rola was plastered up on the throne.
Now Rola was a pretty good leader. He took his position seriously. He employed good people, and had a good vision for Florence in general.
Unfortunately, Rola’s vision didn’t really go too well. He wanted to establish the kingdom of God in Florence.
Uhmyeahno.
So that didn’t go too well. He wanted a Christian Utopia. EVen though he had good intentions, they weren’t, technically, Biblical.
Rola’s greatest threat was... HIMSELF!
Well actually that’s a lie.
His greatest threat was Mr. P-to-da-ope. You see, Pope Alexander VI was really really immoral. Even though he never married, he had five children. He supported murder to get the things he wanted. So when Rola started to preach to Mr. P-to-da-ope, things didn’t go too well. He said, and I quote: “O PROSTITUTE CHURCH, THOU HAST DISPLAYED THY FOULNESS TO THE WHOLE WORLD, AND THY STINKEST TO HEAVEN.”
So he pretty much said, “Hey. Hey. Y’all stink. Take a shower plz kthxbai”
So Mr. P-to-da-ope was pretty mad. He wasn’t too fond of Rola callin’ the church a stinky prostitute.
And then Rola came back and had everyone burn a LOT of stuff. So Alex over hurr bribed Rola to quiet. Down. So Mr. P-to-da-ope offered him a big position in the church, but Rola turned him down.
So then he got himself excommunicated. And then people started to wonderrr... “Heyy. Why would they excommunicate a man of God? What if he isn’t? OH NO. OH NO. OH NO. WE GOTTA GET RID OF THIS GUY.”
And Rola runs for the hills.
The Franciscans decided to test Rola. They wanted to do this by SETTING HIM ON FIRE. Oh, oh, but it wasn’t THAT bad, because they’d set one of their monks on fire too! And the most righteous man would be saved my God.
...
OH. MY. WORD.
SO ROLA ACCEPTED.
Except he called for a stand in. So his good buddy whoever decided to TAKE ON THE CHALLENGE.
This made him look more like a coward and his followers were like wat.
So there was a debate if there really should be the trial by fire. IT was kinda pointless since Rola wasn’t even being set on fire. And then it started raining and they called the whole thing off. The crowd got in quite a ruckus, but they went home because they were getting wet.
You know who else was in a ruckus? Mr. P-to-da-ope. He was mad. And so the logical thing to do here is arrest Rola. Now that really /was/ a logical move. I mean, yeah. I don’t know. Pope: 1. Everyone else: a bajillion.
So Rola was put through court. Admit heresy, or torture. He chose torture.
At 45, Rola withstood the torture.
So Rola and his friends were dragged to a town square. He and his friends were stripped publicly, stoned, hung, strangled, burned, and then they threw their ashes in a river. In that order.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
A LIAR AND A THEIF AND A SPY AND A TROLL.
Today, my friends, this is about....
THE LIAR.
THE FAKER.
THE TROLL.
THE.
THE...
THE FAKE DISCOVERER OF AMERICA.
Ok. So. Christopher Columbus SAID he discovered America first. BUT THAT IS... A LIE. Christopher Columbus’s life was FULL of mystery and riddles.
OGURL.
A lot of people disagree about his geneology. WHO WAS HE RELATED TO? WHERE DID HE COME FROM? WHO IS THISlying MAN?
Also, where exactly did he land? DID HE EVEN LAND? DID HE EVEN LAND IN AMERICA? ~NOBODY KNOWS~
And what about his faith? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A CHRISTIAN. BUT A LOT OF ACTIONS CONTRADICTED THEMSELVES. WAS HE REALLY A CHRISTIAN? HE WAS A LIAR. THAT’S WHAT HE WAS.
Christopher Columbus wrote in his diary (tee hee~ :3) that he was born in Genoa, Italy. A buncha history books claim that Chris was Italian.
BUT SOME PEOPLE THINK HE WAS GREEK. THERE IS EVIDENCE THAT HE WAS GREEK. HE COULD HAVE BEEN A SPANISH JEW. HE COULD HAVE BEEN PORTUGUESE. THERE’S EVIDENCE FOR ALL OF IT. HE’S A LIAR.
Whatever he was, he SURE AS MONKEYS WASN’T ITALIAN.
In factttt...
HE WAS PROBABLY A SPY TOO.
A PORTUGAL SPY. FOR THE KING.
BECAUSE HE WAS SENT TO SPAIN TO LURE SPANISH SOLDIERS AWAY FROM AFRICA BECUZ IT WAS THE PORTUGUESE'S TRADE ROUTES..
But no 4srs that’s a legit theory.
And Christopher Columbus isn’t like one of those names like Cosimo de’Medici.
AND THERE IS EVEN EVIDENCE THAT HE CHANGED. HIS. NAME.
Isn’t that really suspicious? Like, really weird?
SPIES CHANGE THEIR NAMES ALL THE TIME. AMIRITE?
Chris (if that’s even his real name!) used the name Cristoval Colon. Sometimes, Cristoval is spelled Cristobal.
OGURL.
Also, there aren’t any pictures of Chris. NONE. NO PORTRAITS. Any of the pictures you see today were not painted when he was alive.
ISN’T THAT KINDA WEIRD?
WHO EXACTLY WAS CHRIS?
Also, he has a weird signature. Because it was made up of GREEK AND LATIN LETTERS IN THE SHAPE OF A PYRAMID ON FOUR LINES
Check it:
Uhmyeah.
That’s...
weird.
IT’S KINDA SUSPICIOUS.
NOBODY REALLY SPOKE GREEK OR LATIN.
NOBODY KNOWS WHY HE DID IT LIKE THAT.
And the last line “xpo ferens” means “Christ Bearer”
Yeah. That doesn’t make any sense.
BUT IN 1492 CHRIS SAILED THE OCEAN BLUE.
So a lot of people believe that he sailed west to just kinda go around the world and get to the east. Why did he want to go to the east? Because China, Japan, and India had silkkk and spicesss and gemmms and gollld. AND BECAUSE PRESTER JOHN.
Chris called his adventure the “Enterprise to the Indies”
Also, he was not the creator of the idea of sailing west to go east.
SO HE WAS A THIEF TOO. A LIAR AND A THIEF AND A SPY AND A TROLL.
So Chis needed some money. So King John (HIS SPYMASTER) had gotten an appeal from Chris. John turned him down. HMMTHAT’SODD. Ok so then he asked Isabella and Ferdinand (muhmeber them?)
BUT DID JOHN REALLY TURN DOWN CHRIS? DID HE USE HIM AS A DECOY? Because without funding from King John, he got a lot of Spain’s money. And without money, they couldn’t support their troops. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Ohyeah~
Ok.
Back to business.
So Chris had moved to Spain. Bella and Ferd had funded him. So it actually took Chris SIX YEARS OF BEGGING to get his funding. Hmm. IT SOUNDS LIKE HE WAS REALLY DETERMINED. WHY DIDN’T HE PLEAD WITH JOHN? HMM? WHY? THAT’S A BIT ODD.
So after 6 years years, Isabella, who was the same age as Chris, Shared her... zealousness to go to sea. So Isabella convinced Ferd to fund him. After Isabella convinced him, Chris got the monkey outta Spain.
I WONDER IF ISABELLA SHARED ANYTHING ELSE WITH HIM HMMM IT’S A BIT ODD DON’TCHA THINK.
So Chris had some ships and 90 men. Three shrips. The Santa Claus, the
Piñata, and the Nunya.
So they set sail. The Nunya and Piñata were smaller than the Santa Claus, but they were easy to steer. They were captained by some brothers. THE PINZON BROTHERS
The Santa Claus was kinda awkward to manage, but it was 7 feet long and 12 feet wide. So they were really tiny. He called himself the “Admiral” of his “fleet”. His fleet of... three ships? None of which were that big? Oh whatever. So the brothers and Chris sailed out. They stopped at the Canary Islands, which is right off the coast of Africa.
So then they left after they stocked up. For three days they could still see land on the horizon, but after that, they could only see ocean. OGURL. And it was THREE. WEEKS. Before they saw land again. So Chris had a lot of faith in that time, but his crew was getting really tired. Chris LIED and said that they weren’t far from land.
LIAR.
LIAR LIAR PANTS OF FIRE.
So he kept two diaries. A fake one, and a legit one. On September 9th, he confessed in his legit journal that he had been lying. The fake info was not enough to keep them from getting mutinous. So at the start of the third week, they started spazzin out. Chris said, “YO, GUYS, JUST A FEW MORE DAYS. DON’T. WORRY.” But Boy-who-cried-wolf mode went on. They started thinking about throwing Chris overboard. Some thought he had a SECRET MAP THAT TOLD HIM WHERE TO GO.
Oooo THAT’S REALY WEIRD.
Because his crew had seen little glimpses of land, they were really worried.
HMM THAT’S WEIRDDD.
Also, he caught a lot of odd winds.
So they were getting really really close to land. Chris said that for the first person person who saw land got a shipment of gold and silk. That got everyone excited. They saw birds. they saw twigs. But no land. BUT THEN SOMEONE SAW IT. You know who saw land first? Chris saw land first. So he got himself a shipment.
AND THEN THEY GOT THERE.
Chris named where he landed San Salvador. That means Holy Savior. So they got to land. They were greeted by the Natives, and Chris gave them some bonnets and beads.
BUT! FOR NOW, I MUST GO. SOON, WE WILL TALK ABOUT THE REST OF HIS VOYAGE. AND... HIS LOSS OF REPUTATION.
(bambambammm!)
THE LIAR.
THE FAKER.
THE TROLL.
THE.
THE...
THE FAKE DISCOVERER OF AMERICA.
Ok. So. Christopher Columbus SAID he discovered America first. BUT THAT IS... A LIE. Christopher Columbus’s life was FULL of mystery and riddles.
OGURL.
A lot of people disagree about his geneology. WHO WAS HE RELATED TO? WHERE DID HE COME FROM? WHO IS THIS
Also, where exactly did he land? DID HE EVEN LAND? DID HE EVEN LAND IN AMERICA? ~NOBODY KNOWS~
And what about his faith? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A CHRISTIAN. BUT A LOT OF ACTIONS CONTRADICTED THEMSELVES. WAS HE REALLY A CHRISTIAN? HE WAS A LIAR. THAT’S WHAT HE WAS.
Christopher Columbus wrote in his diary (tee hee~ :3) that he was born in Genoa, Italy. A buncha history books claim that Chris was Italian.
BUT SOME PEOPLE THINK HE WAS GREEK. THERE IS EVIDENCE THAT HE WAS GREEK. HE COULD HAVE BEEN A SPANISH JEW. HE COULD HAVE BEEN PORTUGUESE. THERE’S EVIDENCE FOR ALL OF IT. HE’S A LIAR.
Whatever he was, he SURE AS MONKEYS WASN’T ITALIAN.
In factttt...
HE WAS PROBABLY A SPY TOO.
A PORTUGAL SPY. FOR THE KING.
BECAUSE HE WAS SENT TO SPAIN TO LURE SPANISH SOLDIERS AWAY FROM AFRICA BECUZ IT WAS THE PORTUGUESE'S TRADE ROUTES..
But no 4srs that’s a legit theory.
And Christopher Columbus isn’t like one of those names like Cosimo de’Medici.
AND THERE IS EVEN EVIDENCE THAT HE CHANGED. HIS. NAME.
Isn’t that really suspicious? Like, really weird?
SPIES CHANGE THEIR NAMES ALL THE TIME. AMIRITE?
Chris (if that’s even his real name!) used the name Cristoval Colon. Sometimes, Cristoval is spelled Cristobal.
OGURL.
Also, there aren’t any pictures of Chris. NONE. NO PORTRAITS. Any of the pictures you see today were not painted when he was alive.
ISN’T THAT KINDA WEIRD?
WHO EXACTLY WAS CHRIS?
Also, he has a weird signature. Because it was made up of GREEK AND LATIN LETTERS IN THE SHAPE OF A PYRAMID ON FOUR LINES
Check it:
Uhmyeah.
That’s...
weird.
IT’S KINDA SUSPICIOUS.
NOBODY REALLY SPOKE GREEK OR LATIN.
NOBODY KNOWS WHY HE DID IT LIKE THAT.
And the last line “xpo ferens” means “Christ Bearer”
Yeah. That doesn’t make any sense.
BUT IN 1492 CHRIS SAILED THE OCEAN BLUE.
So a lot of people believe that he sailed west to just kinda go around the world and get to the east. Why did he want to go to the east? Because China, Japan, and India had silkkk and spicesss and gemmms and gollld. AND BECAUSE PRESTER JOHN.
Chris called his adventure the “Enterprise to the Indies”
Also, he was not the creator of the idea of sailing west to go east.
SO HE WAS A THIEF TOO. A LIAR AND A THIEF AND A SPY AND A TROLL.
So Chis needed some money. So King John (HIS SPYMASTER) had gotten an appeal from Chris. John turned him down. HMMTHAT’SODD. Ok so then he asked Isabella and Ferdinand (muhmeber them?)
BUT DID JOHN REALLY TURN DOWN CHRIS? DID HE USE HIM AS A DECOY? Because without funding from King John, he got a lot of Spain’s money. And without money, they couldn’t support their troops. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Ohyeah~
Ok.
Back to business.
So Chris had moved to Spain. Bella and Ferd had funded him. So it actually took Chris SIX YEARS OF BEGGING to get his funding. Hmm. IT SOUNDS LIKE HE WAS REALLY DETERMINED. WHY DIDN’T HE PLEAD WITH JOHN? HMM? WHY? THAT’S A BIT ODD.
So after 6 years years, Isabella, who was the same age as Chris, Shared her... zealousness to go to sea. So Isabella convinced Ferd to fund him. After Isabella convinced him, Chris got the monkey outta Spain.
I WONDER IF ISABELLA SHARED ANYTHING ELSE WITH HIM HMMM IT’S A BIT ODD DON’TCHA THINK.
So Chris had some ships and 90 men. Three shrips. The Santa Claus, the
Piñata, and the Nunya.
So they set sail. The Nunya and Piñata were smaller than the Santa Claus, but they were easy to steer. They were captained by some brothers. THE PINZON BROTHERS
The Santa Claus was kinda awkward to manage, but it was 7 feet long and 12 feet wide. So they were really tiny. He called himself the “Admiral” of his “fleet”. His fleet of... three ships? None of which were that big? Oh whatever. So the brothers and Chris sailed out. They stopped at the Canary Islands, which is right off the coast of Africa.
So then they left after they stocked up. For three days they could still see land on the horizon, but after that, they could only see ocean. OGURL. And it was THREE. WEEKS. Before they saw land again. So Chris had a lot of faith in that time, but his crew was getting really tired. Chris LIED and said that they weren’t far from land.
LIAR.
LIAR LIAR PANTS OF FIRE.
So he kept two diaries. A fake one, and a legit one. On September 9th, he confessed in his legit journal that he had been lying. The fake info was not enough to keep them from getting mutinous. So at the start of the third week, they started spazzin out. Chris said, “YO, GUYS, JUST A FEW MORE DAYS. DON’T. WORRY.” But Boy-who-cried-wolf mode went on. They started thinking about throwing Chris overboard. Some thought he had a SECRET MAP THAT TOLD HIM WHERE TO GO.
Oooo THAT’S REALY WEIRD.
Because his crew had seen little glimpses of land, they were really worried.
HMM THAT’S WEIRDDD.
Also, he caught a lot of odd winds.
So they were getting really really close to land. Chris said that for the first person person who saw land got a shipment of gold and silk. That got everyone excited. They saw birds. they saw twigs. But no land. BUT THEN SOMEONE SAW IT. You know who saw land first? Chris saw land first. So he got himself a shipment.
AND THEN THEY GOT THERE.
Chris named where he landed San Salvador. That means Holy Savior. So they got to land. They were greeted by the Natives, and Chris gave them some bonnets and beads.
BUT! FOR NOW, I MUST GO. SOON, WE WILL TALK ABOUT THE REST OF HIS VOYAGE. AND... HIS LOSS OF REPUTATION.
(bambambammm!)
Monday, October 31, 2011
*LEGASP*
So you guyz muhmeber the Italian Rennisance. You guyz muhmember Cosimo. Cosimo de’Medici. Well there were more de’Medicis in Italy. There were some great de’Medicis, and a lot were great. But there are only ONE magnificent. And he was Cosimo’s grandson. He loved the arts, the classics, music, architecture, and allathat jayazz. So the golden ages were returning, and Lorenzo the Magnificent was ruling.
BUT HE HAD SOME ENEMIES.
Another family were 4srs about getting him off of the “throne.” And an Archbishop and Lorenzo weren’t really bestfrands.
So the family and the Archbishop got together and they ~planned~.
*LEGASP*
They were going to kill Lorenzo.
*LEGASP*
BUT WAIT.
*LEGASP*
They were going to do it ON SUNDAY.
*LEGASP*
ON EASTER.
*LEGASP*
DURING CHURCH.
*LEGASP*
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.
*LEGASP*
...
SO THEY DID IT.
They stabbed Lorenzo’s brothah TO DEATH. It was not just a quick little thing, they like tackled him and did it over and over and over.
But Lorenzo only got a cut from the fight.
So Lorenzo was outta the church, and the Archbishop decided to rouse the crowd/mob/riot AGAINST the de’Medici family.
So do you think that they all were like “YAH FREEDOM WOO FORGET THE DE’MEDICIS.”
OR were like like “LOLNOPE”
Well, they were all pretty confused after the MURDER THEY ALL JUST WITNESSED.
however, they still had good common sense. They yelled something in Italian, which translates to “LONG LIVE THE BALLS!”
...
psh...
PSHAHAHA
LOLOLOLOL
Ok.
Uhm...
Ok.
So the Archbiship did a pretty bad job of turning the crowd against the family. So what’d they do? THEY HUNG THE ARCHBISHIP AND THE MURDERER. So we just have, you know, a little riot.
The other murderer was stripped and dragged around the street.
Yeah. It’s a riot.
So news of this reached Mr. P-to-da-ope. He learned that the Archbishop had been hung, and he got rull mad. He punished the city of Florence and he excommunicated Lorenzo.
So if this weren’t Harsh enough (it gets worse.), Mr. P-to-da-ope started a war. Against Florence. WITH NAPLES.
BUT WAIT! It’s about to get more interesting.
In response to this crisis, Lorenzo decided tooo...
GO TO NAPLES ALONE TO TALK WITH THE KING WHO HAD DECLARED WAR AGAINST HIM.
It’s like Obama goin’ over to have a little chit-chat wif (enter good analogy here because I can’t th ink of one.)
He could have gone and killed Lorenzo right there, but he was too confused to do it. So he decided to let Lorenzo explain what was goin’ on. Apparently, he explained himself pretty well, because he stayed in Naples for THREE MONTHS AS AN HONOURED GUEST.
So they cancelled the war.
And Mr. P-to-da-ope just said “Meh. Whatever.” and he forgot the war. Lorenzo went back to Florence and the unquestioned but loved ruler. He got 70 peeps to help him rule - a council, if you will. The Council of 70. That’s the legit name. It’s like the Super Committee. Council of 70, Super Committee. Original names.
So Lorenzo was in every parade, had a lot of books, was a good politician, and was, over all, a pretty great guy. He wrote songs for carnivals, went to carnivals, employed special musicians for carnivals, and pretty much had a good time. At carnivals. Andeven when there weren’t carnivals, people sang his songs and danced in the streets because everybody likes a good PARTAYY~.
His passion for music was deeper than carnival stuff though. He wrote sonnets, love sonnets, nature sonnets, hymns, Biblical plays, and allathat. And pretty much, everybody loved him. He was a patron of the arts, and he influenced a guy named Sandro Botticelli. He was a painter, and he brought Greek/Roman mythology to life via painting. lolno not really. But he painted a lot of mythology stuff and he did it REALLY well. So Botticelli had been paintin’ mythology stuff, and a preacher came in and said to all of Florence, “YOU GUYS SHOULD REPENT.” So Botticelli decided to stop painting mythology stuff and he decided to ONLY paint Bibley stuff.
Now because Lorenzo was so epicawesomesaucewin, I wish I could say he lived a long time. But he didn’t. So he died, and the whole town, and ALL of Italy, mourned his passing. He died at 43, with the same priest that converted Botticelli praying over him.
BUT HE HAD SOME ENEMIES.
Another family were 4srs about getting him off of the “throne.” And an Archbishop and Lorenzo weren’t really bestfrands.
So the family and the Archbishop got together and they ~planned~.
*LEGASP*
They were going to kill Lorenzo.
*LEGASP*
BUT WAIT.
*LEGASP*
They were going to do it ON SUNDAY.
*LEGASP*
ON EASTER.
*LEGASP*
DURING CHURCH.
*LEGASP*
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.
*LEGASP*
...
SO THEY DID IT.
They stabbed Lorenzo’s brothah TO DEATH. It was not just a quick little thing, they like tackled him and did it over and over and over.
But Lorenzo only got a cut from the fight.
So Lorenzo was outta the church, and the Archbishop decided to rouse the crowd/mob/riot AGAINST the de’Medici family.
So do you think that they all were like “YAH FREEDOM WOO FORGET THE DE’MEDICIS.”
OR were like like “LOLNOPE”
Well, they were all pretty confused after the MURDER THEY ALL JUST WITNESSED.
however, they still had good common sense. They yelled something in Italian, which translates to “LONG LIVE THE BALLS!”
...
psh...
PSHAHAHA
LOLOLOLOL
Ok.
Uhm...
Ok.
So the Archbiship did a pretty bad job of turning the crowd against the family. So what’d they do? THEY HUNG THE ARCHBISHIP AND THE MURDERER. So we just have, you know, a little riot.
The other murderer was stripped and dragged around the street.
Yeah. It’s a riot.
So news of this reached Mr. P-to-da-ope. He learned that the Archbishop had been hung, and he got rull mad. He punished the city of Florence and he excommunicated Lorenzo.
So if this weren’t Harsh enough (it gets worse.), Mr. P-to-da-ope started a war. Against Florence. WITH NAPLES.
BUT WAIT! It’s about to get more interesting.
In response to this crisis, Lorenzo decided tooo...
GO TO NAPLES ALONE TO TALK WITH THE KING WHO HAD DECLARED WAR AGAINST HIM.
It’s like Obama goin’ over to have a little chit-chat wif (enter good analogy here because I can’t th ink of one.)
He could have gone and killed Lorenzo right there, but he was too confused to do it. So he decided to let Lorenzo explain what was goin’ on. Apparently, he explained himself pretty well, because he stayed in Naples for THREE MONTHS AS AN HONOURED GUEST.
So they cancelled the war.
And Mr. P-to-da-ope just said “Meh. Whatever.” and he forgot the war. Lorenzo went back to Florence and the unquestioned but loved ruler. He got 70 peeps to help him rule - a council, if you will. The Council of 70. That’s the legit name. It’s like the Super Committee. Council of 70, Super Committee. Original names.
So Lorenzo was in every parade, had a lot of books, was a good politician, and was, over all, a pretty great guy. He wrote songs for carnivals, went to carnivals, employed special musicians for carnivals, and pretty much had a good time. At carnivals. Andeven when there weren’t carnivals, people sang his songs and danced in the streets because everybody likes a good PARTAYY~.
His passion for music was deeper than carnival stuff though. He wrote sonnets, love sonnets, nature sonnets, hymns, Biblical plays, and allathat. And pretty much, everybody loved him. He was a patron of the arts, and he influenced a guy named Sandro Botticelli. He was a painter, and he brought Greek/Roman mythology to life via painting. lolno not really. But he painted a lot of mythology stuff and he did it REALLY well. So Botticelli had been paintin’ mythology stuff, and a preacher came in and said to all of Florence, “YOU GUYS SHOULD REPENT.” So Botticelli decided to stop painting mythology stuff and he decided to ONLY paint Bibley stuff.
Now because Lorenzo was so epicawesomesaucewin, I wish I could say he lived a long time. But he didn’t. So he died, and the whole town, and ALL of Italy, mourned his passing. He died at 43, with the same priest that converted Botticelli praying over him.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
BRING OUT YER DEAD.
So everyone knows about the Black death. Kinda. People know about it, but not actually about it. If that makes sense. People don’t know a lot of stuff about it, but they just... nevermind.
Anyways. Symptoms included Vomiting Blood, large swollen glands about the sizes of eggs under the armpits and the groin area, and patches of blood turning *dark purple* under the skin.
:D
Yeah. Fun times. It affected everyone: Peasants, Kings, Doctors, Children, Women, Men, Farmers, everyone.
The Black Death is known to have been carried by rats. Actually, it was a little germ that was carried on fleas that hitched rides on rats. The fleas had the disease, and spread it to rats, which died. The fleas did not die, though. The little tiny germs just hung out in the flea’s belly, and didn’t effect it.
Once affected, people died within 1-5 days. So a lot of people were confused as to why, exactly, people were dropping dead in the streets. It was not contagious except for those who had their lungs infected because they’d breathe it into the air. Whenever towns became infected, people would flee (no pun.) into the next town, taking all of their flea infested belongings with them.
Kings and Queens locked themselves up in their castles, Priests in their Churches, Monks in their Monasteries, but that didn’t really help. People tried to burn it out of cities by burning the houses and clothes of the diseased.
It seems like it started somewhere in Asia, in the trading routes. Where there are ships there are rats, where there are rats there are fleas, etc. etc. Blah blah blah. Nobody figured this out until about 600 years later though.
The plague “started” in Italy, and you know how? The Mongols spread it on purpose. The made war on Italy, and the Mongols kick-started the Black Death. You now how? *They took dead people and catapulted them over walls.* Yeaaaah. So people were running away, taking the disease with them. So eventually it was spread all over the world. A lot of people died in not a lot of time.
So with a lot of people dead, the workers that were alive had to work a lot harder. Then they revolted. And so the feudal system fell apart.
Uhm.
Yeah.
The end. o-o
WAAAAAIT!
There.
NOW WE’RE DONE :D
Anyways. Symptoms included Vomiting Blood, large swollen glands about the sizes of eggs under the armpits and the groin area, and patches of blood turning *dark purple* under the skin.
:D
Yeah. Fun times. It affected everyone: Peasants, Kings, Doctors, Children, Women, Men, Farmers, everyone.
The Black Death is known to have been carried by rats. Actually, it was a little germ that was carried on fleas that hitched rides on rats. The fleas had the disease, and spread it to rats, which died. The fleas did not die, though. The little tiny germs just hung out in the flea’s belly, and didn’t effect it.
Once affected, people died within 1-5 days. So a lot of people were confused as to why, exactly, people were dropping dead in the streets. It was not contagious except for those who had their lungs infected because they’d breathe it into the air. Whenever towns became infected, people would flee (no pun.) into the next town, taking all of their flea infested belongings with them.
Kings and Queens locked themselves up in their castles, Priests in their Churches, Monks in their Monasteries, but that didn’t really help. People tried to burn it out of cities by burning the houses and clothes of the diseased.
It seems like it started somewhere in Asia, in the trading routes. Where there are ships there are rats, where there are rats there are fleas, etc. etc. Blah blah blah. Nobody figured this out until about 600 years later though.
The plague “started” in Italy, and you know how? The Mongols spread it on purpose. The made war on Italy, and the Mongols kick-started the Black Death. You now how? *They took dead people and catapulted them over walls.* Yeaaaah. So people were running away, taking the disease with them. So eventually it was spread all over the world. A lot of people died in not a lot of time.
So with a lot of people dead, the workers that were alive had to work a lot harder. Then they revolted. And so the feudal system fell apart.
Uhm.
Yeah.
The end. o-o
WAAAAAIT!
There.
NOW WE’RE DONE :D
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